Hello! I have been dating someone for a little over a year, and we're both definitely attracted to each other. He remarks on my appearance all the time and is clearly aroused when we are kissing, hugging, etc. He always achieves an erection and orgasm when we do hook up. However, I'm confused... because in past relationships I've had guys who were very "sexual" sent me erotic text messages, asked for naked pictures, would tell me they couldn't wait to get home so they $%##% me, were all over me all the time. Now, admittedly, this is the longest relationship I've had since I was 20 or so, and I"m now 33--so maybe something changes after time...but he's never been like that. He's always been happy to have sex, but never really GUNG HO or erotic like those other guys. I know he occasionally watches porn, but he never asks for anything in the bedroom other than the usual positions, a little dirty talk, that's it.

One time we talked about doing something different but he said he didn't want to "degrade" me...I said "degrade away!" but it seems like he reserves that stuff for fantasy. I'm frustrated on two counts I suppose--I can't help but wonder if from the very start I wasn't the right girl for him (though he says he's very much in love w/ me, wants to move in together, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, etc.)..Is this normal? Maybe if he were with another girl, one he found more attractive, he would be thinking about sex all the time? We have sex a few times a week right now--but as mentioned above, it can be a little routine. Within a month of our meeting he told me he was having a hard time "keeping up with me"--we had first met, so I was aiming sometimes for twice a day--definitely once a day. It's definitely slackened off since then... He says he's never been into doing it that often (once a day)... but maybe if he met the right girl he would? I just keep coming back to it being my fault or something--like if I were attractive or hot enough he would have more desire. Are there other men out there like this? I love him so, so much--but am obviously insecure a lot of the time. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!

OK it doesn't seem here that the problem is him,. he seems to be very normal for most guys in their 30's.. their libito goes down a little in their 30's as where your's goes up like crazy. You seem to really really like sex, which is fine if you think it's healthy for you.. Why do you expect him to completely conform to exactly what you want and like?

Ask yourself, do you want to be with this guy? Stop concerning if you're not right for him, ask if he's right for you.. seems to me you want someone with more of an appitite for sex..

I personally think there is nothing wrong with this guy if he's a little reserved in showing his sexual side (example: texting and taking dirty all the time) and it certainly doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you..

Ask yourself if you're really not satisfied with the sex you're getting or you're not getting enough. Do you really want to be with him? That's the real question

Yeah, but he's not 33--he's 25 years old! I do want to be with him... so, so, much---but his approach to sex and sexuality is so different from men I've been with in the past that I find myself wondering if I'm doing something wrong. He pursued me from the start, so I know perhaps I am being insecure--but I also feel like he does love me so he wouldn't necessarily break up with me if I weren't his "ideal" in terms of physicality or sexuality. I don't want someone to stay with me if I'm not what they want, you know--or if they wish they had someone different...

Dear cassiopeia32

Just have a good talk with each other. Take sufficient time for that. Tell him what you like, what you prefer, what you expect him to do. But also listen to what he prefers, what he wants.

You are a team, and have to adjust to some common line. Don't think that can be done in days. It will take much time. The central question is however if you want to be couple or not... Nobody is perfect...

Re. your ages : you are more or less like my daughter who is 35 with her husband 28 years old.
Lucky you with such a young partner... ;)

Thanks so much for the advice... and it's so nice to hear of your daughter... I didn't expect to fall head over heels for this guy. I actually refused to date him at first thinking it was insane--he was so persistent he won me over:) No only that, but he's more mature than most 33 year olds I've dated. Can I ask you--since you mentioned it would take time--is this something people have to work on in a long term relationship? I know that might sound naïve.. but I'm kind of new to adult, long-term, HEALTHY relationships... So it's okay that we might be a little mismatched in bed? I'd certainly like to stay a couple--it's accepting that we're not perfect that's hard (as silly as that sounds). I think maybe I always think that if we were "perfect", there'd be less risk in being so in love. Ah, what fools we mortals be!

You are a very lucky, lucky woman. :) I'll tell you why.

You were first socialized into sex to think if it as a vulgar act done with vulgar men. Sure, that can be fun, but there is a lot more to sexual relations for woman than that; there is a lot more to experience in a different direction... toward emotional and orgasmic bliss that is based on kindness and love.

You now have a lover who is willing to be real with you, so you have to downplay the crass experiences and the negative effects it has had on you, and be open to learn about the gentle and caring part of your sexuality. It won't be easy, but it is so important!

Remember, sexuality for a woman is complex. And,

Rome wasn't built in a day! :)


Best wishes, lucky girl!


PS You are going to have to let go of your controlling nature regarding sex matters. That will hurt you in the long run.

Um, I'm 46 and I get it almost every day. And have since I got married. Kep in mind moving in together means easy sex or a free cook or housekeeper to most guys...

Really loving the woman brings the thoughts of marriage to mind. Not shacking up together.

Now I'm not saying I would never have shacked up. I would have. Just wanting to make it clear for the younger less experienced women so they aren't duped into expecting more than they actually get due to differing perspectives.


As far as him being more reserved than you. Its possible that would change over time but don't expect it to. Im my case both my wife and I have become far less reserved than we once were. But that's not true for everyone.

Thanks smoothy... interesting... I'm the one who's anti-marriage, not him:) as for chouzy (did I spell that right? I can't remember and I can't see it once I'm on this screen)--you have some very good points. I think some of them might be quite true, although on the other hand, I think sometimes he's bored/finds sex routine precisely because he reserves some things for fantasy and the other things for me. A lot to ponder here... thank you guys.

thanks smoothy...interesting...i'm the one who's anti-marriage, not him:) as for chouzy (did i spell that right? i can't remember and i can't see it once i'm on this screen)--you have some very good points. i think some of them might be quite true, although on the other hand, i think sometimes he's bored/finds sex routine precisely because he reserves some things for fantasy and the other things for me. a lot to ponder here...thank you guys.


People usually do tend to keep their more wild fantasies from the people they do care about early into relationships... and by early I mean in the first decade of a marriage per say. Eventually people can be secure enough with each other and themselves to reveal some of them but not always. Respect could play a part in things, but if he is spanking the monkey and neglecting your needs there is an issue at play here that remains uncovered.

This is one married guy that preffers my wife to my hand any day.

So, Cass, you are reading his mind. :) Never a good way to communicate!

Best wishes,

Some guys are actually descent and just not pigs :) , you've got a good guy. Don't scare him off too much.. take it easy and ease into the fantasies.

... is this something people have to work on in a long term relationship?
Yes. Almost in every reationship there is some form of mismatch...
After 39 years of marriage to the same woman I'm now an expert on recognizing that... :)

And although you grow towards each other , I don't think that overall relationship perfection (as in 100%) exists.

And be glad about that! Life would be booring if that were true!

;)