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Hi,

So I am new to this site... just looking for some advice and anyone who can lend an honest opinion about my situation. I have been dating this guy for about 4 months (we've known each other for a year)... and I am absolutley crazy about him and falling in love with him. The thing is, I cannot read him at all. He keeps his feelings very close to the cuff so to speak, and I don't get much feedback from him about our relationship. He comes to see me a lot, and he is affectionate with me but as far as our "status" and if he is crazy about me... well I haven't got a clue! He is in the military and I honestly think that affects how open you are with someone verbally. I don't know... his actions says he cares about me, but when is the right time to say "hey, are you feeling the way i'm feeling?". I don't want to be one of those clingy girls and push him away... I mean, his friends refer to me as his girlfriend. It's just frustrating not to know where you stand. Should I just ask him??

Just accept things as they are. He just may not be into classifying and labeling everything.
If he wasn't into you he wouldn't come to see you a lot.

Just accept things as they are. He just may not be into classifying and labeling everything.
If he wasn't into you he wouldn't come to see you alot.

Yea I think you're right about the labeling.. it's not so much that. Literally, he gives me no feedback whatsoever on how he feels about me, nada lol. I don't need constant reaasurance, but I need something! It's true, actions do spaek louder than words, and he does come to see me a lot... it's just that sometimes I find myself getting insecure wondering where is this going since he never tells me how he feels...

Hi there,

Hoping some of you can give me advice. I've been dating a guy for about 5 months and thought things were going fairly well. We saw each other often, he would come and stay with me on the weekends for the entire weekend, and I went to his home state a few months back and met some of his family. I've known him now for about a year, because we met right before he got deployed to Iraq and kept in touch within that time.

Anyway, I had been crazy about this guy for a long time and when he came back from deployment, it seemed like he really wanted a relationship wth me. We became closer, I met all of his friends and they even referred to me as his girlfriend. But now, in the last few weeks he has really pulled back from me and has been so distant. For the past 2 weekends in a row, he disappears and has not come to see me and doesn't call me for a few days. When I ask him about it, he says he is very stressed and has a lot on his mind, and has been doing a lot of "thinking".

I try to give him his space and not interrogate him, but he is completely closed off and won't talk to me about where we stand or how he feels about me. So now, here I am again ths weekend not knowing where he is, or when I will speak to him again because he has again pulled a disappearing act and won't call me. And I don't want to be the one calling and texting him, as I think that will seem needy and desperate. I'm so hurt! I really am good to him and care for him so much, but he is treating me like crap! I don't deserve this, and just don't know what to do. A big part of me says to just cut him off, ignore him. I've told him that it bothers me when he does this.

But my heart is involved, and I am so confused. I know I deserve better than this... how to stop caring about him? Please someone help... it hurts so much and I feel like this is his way of breaking up wth me. Only when I do back off, he starts to come forward again. What should I do?? Very sad.

Sorry for your pain, but for whatever reason, he is not being a very kind suitor, or b/f. Actions speak louder than words, so backing off is what you need to do, and if his actions are any indication of his feelings, moving on is recommended. Click on my signature links, for some good suggestions along those lines.

As long as you keep making yourself available when he wants you to his behavior will never change, if your eyes are not glue shut you should observe his actions and just open your mouth and talk and find out how he truthly feel about you because you shouldn't allow him to do this to you. He only does what you allow, you said you love him but you should love yourself more and then you won't let someone walk over you. Never let anyone treat you like this because if he even care about you he wouldn't be doing what he do to you.

My advice he just have one good last talk with him and stand by what you say. If he can't accept it then move on. Never put someone first and your not even first with in their life and when you back off don't let in back into your life and don't love someone when the feelings not mutal, you deserve better and once you get that in your head you will allow a guy to walk over you.

Also, if you continue down this path you will never heal and your feelings for him will only grow.

Sorry for your pain, but for whatever reason, he is not being a very kind suitor, or b/f. Actions speak louder than words, so backing off is what you need to do, and if his actions are any indication of his feelings, moving on is recommended. Click on my signature links, for some good suggestions along those lines.

Thank you for our kind reply. No he is not being a good boyfriend at all, makes me wonder if this is his way of breaking it off with me. The thing is, when I back off, he seems to come forward. What do you suggest I say to him if/when he contacts me again?

Tell him to leave you alone, better yet, don't answer his calls. This back and forth game ,is not a loving caring nurturing relationship, and don't you want and deserve more than just games? Basically, you stop playing his game, and start loving yourself more than you supposedly love him. You really don't need him, or his games to be happy, do you?

Being a former military child and later a military wife, and now have a brother in Iraq, I have a different viewpoint.

You said he has changed since his deployment.. this to me, is a key point. He has experienced things that have changed him drastically, and to me, this is understandable. When in a war-zone you see and do things that others without similar experience cannot even imagine. And it is hard on those close to understand.

Honey, he might never change and you might never be happy together again, but if you do decide to talk to him again and if he still has feelings for you, ask him to seek professional help. If he agrees and wants to try building a relationship with you, it would tremendously help if you joined in some therapy sessions to understand and learn how to cope, or make the choice of not wanting to cope with his past.

There is truth in the saying ''War is Hell'' and he's gone through it. Now, it's up to you to accept that and support him or not.

Good luck dear - please keep us posted.


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It is hard for some women to live with a soldier, cop, or fireman because of the dangers they go through and have to live with - and still try to have a 'passively normal' life.

Hi there,

Hoping some of you can give me advice. I've been dating a guy for about 5 months and thought things were going fairly well. We saw each other often, he would come and stay with me on the weekends for the entire weekend, and I went to his home state a few months back and met some of his family. I've known him now for about a year, bc we met right before he got deployed to Iraq and kept in touch within that time.

Anyway, i had been crazy about this guy for a long time and when he came back from deployment, it seemed like he really wanted a relationship wth me. We became closer, I met all of his friends and they even referred to me as his gf. But now, in the last few weeks he has really pulled back from me and has been so distant. For the past 2 weekends in a row, he disappears and has not come to see me and doesn't call me for a few days. When i ask him about it, he says he is very stressed and has alot on his mind, and has been doing alot of "thinking".

I try to give him his space and not interrogate him, but he is completely closed off and won't talk to me about where we stand or how he feels about me. So now, here I am again ths weekend not knowing where he is, or when I will speak to him again because he has again pulled a disappearing act and won't call me. And i don't want to be the one calling and texting him, as I think that will seem needy and desperate. I'm so hurt!! I really am good to him and care for him so much, but he is treating me like crap! I don't deserve this, and just don't know what to do. A big part of me says to just cut him off, ignore him. I've told him that it bothers me when he does this.

But my heart is involved, and I am so confused. I know I deserve better than this....how to stop caring about him? Please someone help...it hurts so much and I feel like this is his way of breaking up wth me. Only when I do back off, he starts to come forward again. What should i do????? Very sad.
How you doing? See I just got on this website and it's been a real help so far with people helping other people and finding people to relate to. Now I'm having issues with my girlfriend right now because I can't read the minds of women and they confuse me very much at times. Check this out though, I do know guys and know the games they like to play. There are two things that could be at work here. We will start with a bit of a more positive one... I have had friends that have went to Iraq on a few tours and some people just can't handle it. They get over there and are constantly worrying about car bombs, and is this person OK, or is this person an enemy etc. So for some people those things effect your mind and he could have withdrawed into a shell. That is a possibility, it could be a long shot but you would know better than I if he has been effected by what has happened.

The second reason and this is just from a typical guy standpoint is that he has found another person or is not relationship ready. Some guys are cowards when it comes to breaking up and will dodge the question thinking it will just solve itself. Some guys are problem fixers and will be honest with you and just tell you. I don't know how he feels about you but I do know that you care about him so your best thing to do is this. I would do as one of the replies said. Call him and ask him if he has a few minutes to talk to him. Let him know you care about him and that recently his actions have been making you feel unwanted. Try not to get too emotional while talking and keep a calm mind. You want to have the conversation with him and not come off as too clingy and if you start to get really emotional what will happen is your feelings will take over. Guys are pretty much like this, we look at things in a yes/no or we try to reduce things to a yes/no decision. Example, if each date you give someone a hug, and then one date you don't, a guy will be like OK her not giving me a hug is a denial thing, so that's a no answer, so... something is up. See and that's not always the case, you could have did other things during the date like held hands or something like that but with guys it's a reassurance thing. Lol. We over analize things thinking that everything has to be either on or off. So basically I said all that to say this... he is thinking... but he has yes no answers available, what he is thinking about is to either share them or to wait. You can talk to him and just let him know... I'm a big girl and I care about you... and recently you seemed withdrawed if something is bothering you tell me... tell me if you want me... tell me if it's a life issue...
So that way I know because I have been good to you and deserve at least that please. That way if he is a coward and won't admit it he now has a chance and is like cool I can talk to her... or if it's something else maybe he will tell you. At least this way you may get an answer or some type of closure. Anyway I hope this helps and you find the answers you need.

How you doing? See I just got on this website and it's been a real help so far with people helping other people and finding people to relate to. Now I'm having issues with my girlfriend right now because I can't read the minds of women and they confuse me very much at times. Check this out though, I do know guys and know the games they like to play. There are two things that could be at work here. We will start with a bit of a more positive one....I have had friends that have went to Iraq on a few tours and some people just can't handle it. They get over there and are constantly worrying about car bombs, and is this person ok, or is this person an enemy etc. So for some people those things effect your mind and he could of withdrawed into a shell. That is a possibility, it could be a long shot but you would know better than I if he has been effected by what has happened.

The second reason and this is just from a typical guy standpoint is that he has found another person or is not relationship ready. Some guys are cowards when it comes to breaking up and will dodge the question thinking it will just solve itself. Some guys are problem fixers and will be honest with you and just tell you. I don't know how he feels about you but I do know that you care about him so your best thing to do is this. I would do as one of the replies said. Call him and ask him if he has a few minutes to talk to him. Let him know you care about him and that recently his actions have been making you feel unwanted. Try not to get too emotional while talking and keep a calm mind. You want to have the conversation with him and not come off as too clingy and if you start to get really emotional what will happen is your feelings will take over. Guys are pretty much like this, we look at things in a yes/no or we try to reduce things to a yes/no decision. Example, if each date you give someone a hug, and then one date you don't, a guy will be like ok her not giving me a hug is a denial thing, so that's a no answer, so....something is up. See and that's not always the case, you could of did other things during the date like held hands or something like that but with guys it's a reassurance thing. lol. We over analize things thinking that everything has to be either on or off. So basically I said all that to say this....he is thinking.....but he has yes no answers available, what he is thinking about is to either share them or to wait. You can talk to him and just let him know....I'm a big girl and I care about you....and recently you seemed withdrawed if something is bothering you tell me.....tell me if you want me.....tell me if it's a life issue....
so that way I know because I have been good to you and deserve at least that please. That way if he is a coward and won't admit it he now has a chance and is like cool I can talk to her....or if it's something else maybe he will tell you. At least this way you may get an answer or some type of closure. Anyway I hope this helps and you find the answers you need.


Thank you... actually he started texting me and calling me late last night. At first didn't answer, but when he called again I picked up. We talked for a little but, with him not really sayng much. He just said I called to say Hi. Then I asked him, "so what is going on with us?". To which he replied, "I dunno, I don't really want to have a serious conversation right now". So I said OK because knew he was at his friends house, and that he was talking in front of them. So a few minutes later, he sends me a text that says... "I'm sorry, but just don't know about us". So I repled, "what do you mean"? And he said that... "I just have too much on my plate right now, I thought I wanted a GF but I've found that i just can't juggle that with all of my problems"... So I tried calling him because I wanted to talk, not text and he wouldn't pick up. Should I just let him be? Very very hurt and confused rght now. Does he not care about me??

If you don't want to read my last post and think, then at least read the first paragraph from theconfusedguy again.. that's probably the 'plate' he is talking about.

Think and then make your choice as to further action and/or contact. If you don't have the patience, then tell him and let him go on with his life.

If you don't want to read my last post and think, then at least read the first paragraph from theconfusedguy again .. that's probably the 'plate' he is talking about.

Think and then make your choice as to further action and/or contact. If you don't have the patience, then tell him and let him go on with his life.

Hi Chery,

Thanks for your replies... I did read your first post carefully and do agree with it in some ways. There is no way for me to know what effects being deployed has on him, as I am not in the military. I have researched and read some of the possoble effects t may have ona soldier but don't know if it applies to him. I do know I have always tried to be very supportive and there to listen any time he did want to talk with me about the war and being over there. He has been over there twice now, and he says he wants to go back.

He says he hates it on base now where is he stationed, and that is where most of his stress comes from. The thing is, he wouldn't talk to me about most things having to do with the military so I don't really know how much of an impact that had on him. I can only take from what he is doing now. I feel that he has shut me out... he tracked me down last night until I picked up the phone, and then when we did talk he would barely say a word. When I asked him what was going on, he wouldn't say and then ten minutes later he breaks up with me over text message. I thnk that is really harsh, and guess that is why I am so upset. I have been really good to him, and then he does not give me much explanation and won't answer his phone after he sent me the text.. It's all so confusing. I want so bad just to call him and get more answers but that is probably the worst thing I can do. It just really really hurts.

Should I just let him be? Very very hurt and confused rght now. Does he not care about me??
Leave him alone, and clear your own confusion, as you don't have the skills to help him. You can pray for him, but getting yourself in order is the goal. That does mean NO CONTACT.

Dear Lily.. sorry that he broke with you through a text. I think this is disrespectful and inappropriate for anyone to do. One should communicate such serious things in life face-to-face.

You have done all you can for him, and if he does not accept this - then there is no more you can do.

His life and attitude towards it is something he will have to deal with - not you.

What you can do is as Tal said, work on your life and your happiness and the things you have control over.
You invested time and effort in this relationship and you deserve acknowledgement for what you sacrificed.
Now, it's time to move on. There is no guarantee how long the healing process will take, but rest assured that we will be here to help you over the bumps and that you are not alone in this.

See some friends, have some fun, and don't accept any more calls or messages from him. He has made his choice and now you make your's and get the balance and peace you need and deserve.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

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Dear Lily.. sorry that he broke with you through a text. I think this is disrespectful and inappropriate for anyone to do. One should communicate such serious things in life face-to-face.

You have done all you can for him, and if he does not accept this - then there is no more you can do.

His life and attitude towards it is something he will have to deal with - not you.

What you can do is as Tal said, work on your life and your happiness and the things you have control over.
You invested time and effort in this relationship and you deserve acknowledgement for what you sacrificed.
Now, it's time to move on. There is no guarantee how long the healing process will take, but rest assured that we will be here to help you over the bumps and that you are not alone in this.

See some friends, have some fun, and don't accept any more calls or messages from him. He has made his choice and now you make your's and get the balance and peace you need and deserve.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

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Thanks, I will keep you guys posted. I'm sure will be on here a lot... my moods are all over the place. I keep going back and forth. I get angry, then I start to find myself hoping that maybe he is just confused and will change his mind. Pathetic! I know I shouldn't even want to be with him anymore. Hearing advice from everyone here does help though. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Hi all... thank you for all of your replies... it really helps...

So UPDATE on my situaution: I didn't call or text him at all yesterday, and it was very hard not to. About 9 last night, he texted me that he was in town and did I want him to stop by? So I said, "sure, if you want to.: So he came over, we talked, and basically he told me that he didn't think we would work out long term since he would be moving back to NY (his home) after he gets out of the military. And that he wants to do a lot of things for himself and that would mean seeing me less and he didn't think that would be fair to me. Also, he said since he ddin't see us as being long term that he ddn't want me to waste time with him... blah, blah, blah. All just a bunch of excuses, basically he just doesn't feel strongly for me. I think he cares for me, but I guess not enough to get serious with me. That really hurts very bad and is hard to accept. There are a few years difference between us, so maybe this is where the age difference comes into play. I don't know. So here I am, more upset now that I have seen him because I love him and he doesn't love me. I think he would still see me casually if I wanted to. He basically said that last night. I know I should cut off all contact with him... he doesn't seem to want that. What to do?? More confused than ever... AND he tried to sleep wth me last night!? HELP

Give the devil his due, for being honest, and not lying to get you to bed. The fact is, he would love a friends with benefits situation, and we know you don't want that. Facts are facts, he doesn't care as much as you do, and your disappointed, and hurt, so cutting contact, healing, and moving on, is your best option. I doubt he change his mind, so accept what he has expressed, and let go, and live your life without him in it. Click on the links in my signature, for some excellent suggestions, to help you move on. Sorry for your loss.

Hon, like Tal said, cut your losses with this guy.. being friends with benefits will mess with you so bad and will make your healing process even harder. You deserve to be treated better.. This guy is a jerk for wanting to stick around for just sex and not caring that he broke your heart.. he wants to have his cake and eat it too.. You can't let him have that part of you anymore.. you need to tell him no to the friends with benefits thing and completely cut off contact and heal your heart.. you will find someone better..

Remember this, it takes as long as you've been with someone to get over them, for instance you've been with him for 5 months.. you will need that time to heal.. I know it seems like a lot now, but you can do it, in time you will see that this dude is definitely not right for you and you can look back and see how much you've grown and learned..

Lily.. yes, please do stay on and talk with us any time.

I am not making excuses for him or any other man that cannot commit, but statistics do show that soldiers, police firemen, and even test-pilots have the highest divorce rates. Some due to not being able to communicate the dangerous part of their jobs, some due to not being able to be loyal or 'exclusive'. It might be a mix in thinking that they need to live and experience as much as they can because every day could be their last.

But then, I think that they should be respectful and fair toward those partners that want to get closer and be 'exclusive'.

As I said before, it takes a special kind of woman to accept and tolerate this type of life-style - and if you are not that type, then let him know that friendship with benefits is not for you. At least he was being honest. I truly think he does care for you, but not in the way you want - totally and exclusively. Sorry about that.

This is not just a woman's issue these days. There are male spouses/partners with women in high-risk jobs that have a lot more to cope within this lifestyle too. Some men and women just thrive on this type of adrenalin, but not all can do it long-term.

We all have to choose how much we can cope with or be ready for in a relationship and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting the extra stress level.

I sincerely hope you find the compatible partner to make you happy.

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Well, here I am... not quite a week after he broke up with me and am feeling so low that it's not even explainable. If you've read my other posts, you know that my BF broke it off with me after becoming distant and pulling random "disappearing" acts. We had a pretty good relationship up until about a month ago... now his story is that he's not ready for a GF, has too much on his plate right now, too many problems... blah, blah, blah. He even gave me good ol' "you're a great girl" speech. Ugh.

I really love him, and this week I have been pretty numb. Cried a lot on Monday... still went to work, but I don't know how I did it really. I talk to friends and they all say the typical "it's his loss", you will be OK... but I miss him so and this NC thing is killing me. I want to text, but I don't want to look needy and partly because I'm scared I will be more upset if I do contact him. I keep hoping, that maybe he is just confused, and will want to contact me or see me again. I just don't understand what went wrong? I keep blamng myself and I know that's not healthy. I'v been through breakups before but have never felt quite like this. What to do??

Will you be able to get over him? Yes probably so, forgetting about him won't be easy but that is not your goal, your goal should be to just come to accept his decision, and by contacting him you can actually ruin any chance of ever rekindling that flame. It is totally normal to feel hurt, resentment, sadness over losing someone you love. Especially if it was suddenly. I ACTUALLY WROTE an article today on men and commitement check it out and decipher if you were that girl who gave too much..

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/men-commitment-218739.html

That sucks I am going through the same thing right now and I was the girl that gave too much. I thought it was a good thing guess I was really wrong.
D e
It is very tough I cry everyday I try not to text and yes its very very hard. Being on here and reading things does help. My bro's have told me it will take a very long time but your heart will mend and if it was meant to be it will come around again

They told me to spread my wings now and fly. Also they said every end is a new beginning. *hugs*

Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with giving, and in fact as women it is our nature to be nurturing well at least for some of us. Understand that heartache and heartbreaks are inevitable. Sometimes they are unforeseen, but unfortanetly its apart of life that we have to endure. Ppl grow and sometimes it means growing out of love with the person we once loved. Growing means change, and often times we rather much not drag our loved ones along while we soul search therefore breaking their hearts in the process. Imagine if we lived in a world where we never experienced pain, and failed relationships, we will never learn or gather or expectations. Failed relationships can sometimes be a blessing in disguise and it may be sometime before we can realize that. No relationship is perfect, and sometimes we are so rooted with the fact of being with someone they we become blinded to what is healthy and what is not. We don't see the signs that was in front of us all alone, until that dreaded day when the person you love tells you they want space. You can't make him change his mind, nor can you make him realize he made a mistake, the only thing you can began to do for these next days ahead is to take the time to find out how you can be the best you you can be, and not give up on love and relationships but understand that it's inevitable to prevent. As the days go by you will have good days and bad ones, but the reality is that you WILL SURVIVE. Give him what he is asking and make sure that while you have this time to think, try to take it one day at a time, trying to predict the future is not going to help, nor does regretting the past. Write a letter if you need to stating all the things you want to say just as if you were writing to him but don't send it. This is an exercise to get things off your chest. Also surround yourself around positive people, and do things that you enjoy.. remember take it one day at a time. Good luck..

I would say that the "do things that you enjoy"is the most important thing.It is important I think for two reasons,first you do something that takes your mind off depressing thoughts and maybe actually even have a good time,and two,it helps you pick yourself up cause when you're in that state of mind you don't want to do anything,ecen stuff you really enjoy.By doing it,you also prove to yourself that this thing won't bring you down.So...

BF broke it off with me after becoming distant and pulling random "disappearing" acts.
For all your hurt and pain, I think you will realize that you deserve better than what you had, and will find it after the healing process. Look at it as a chance to move on to something better and close this chapter of your life for good. Celebrate your freedom to find happiness.

Busy busy busy bee, little girl. If the only thing you have to occupy your time is your pained memories, you will be in pain.

You will always love him. So getting over that isn't the issue. The issue is getting over the breakup. It will happen. Takes time, no shortcuts.

But other activities and eventually other guys will make the pain recess. Take care until then. Be a busy busy bee in the meantime.

Yes

How to you be a busy bee when you don't have anything?
I've gone though the list and I still can't handle it. I just can't understand how he could move on so quickly? Is it a rebound?
I'm trying to forget but its just not working and going out with friends doesn't help they are mostly married and it makes me sick being with them

Tucker1605, We don't have to hijack someone else's thread. But the question is a good one as getting over some one means building a life you enjoy. If your not happy, and have nothing, then it's a good idea to work to be happy.

If you like to swim I would swim or have a pet spend some quality time with them. A parent I know suggested the military or do something that you would never do before.

if you like to swim I would swim or have a pet spend some quality time with them. A parent I know suggested the military or do something that you would never do before.


??

OK UPDATE... Ok guys I need help with this one... Last night I forced myself to go hang out with some of my girlfrends. I dreaded going because I knew I would be a debbie downer, but whenI got there I actually had a good time! I even laughed, and that was shocking considering the way I've been feeling.

Well I get home, and go to sleep then about 2:30 in the morning, the ex starts texting me. He was at the bar in his hometown, had driven home for the weekend. He said he was "sorry for breaking up with me...he just had to bc he was an ******* and I was a great woman, and I deserve a better person but that he's here for me if i need him". When he first started textng, I didn't answer and he was like "No answer...ok." So I gave in, then he starts telling me all this other stuff. So I tell him that I really care for him, but that if that is the way he really feels then I would have to accept it, and I told him to have a good night. Then he texts me a picture of himself sitting at the bar, and says that he misses me!? I don't understand, he is giving me mixed messages. What do you guys think? Should I just let it be??

You ignore him, and let him drink all he wants, while his texts fall on deaf ears, and go unanswered. Then you won't be confused by his mixed signals, and can follow your own path, for your own good.

Tucker1605, We don't have to hijack someone elses thread. But the question is a good one as getting over some one means building a life you enjoy. If your not happy, and have nothing, then its a good idea to work to be happy.

This is so true. If you are empty and are filling yourself with someone else, that giant whoosing noise you here when they leave your life is your own lack of interests, hobbies and other (SINGLE!) friends.

In order to move on you have to do your grief, feel your feelings, while building your own life. The other thing to do is stop questioning how and why the other is doing something. Concentrate on YOU and figure out what YOU are going to do next. What are you going to do to build your life so that you never feel so wiped out by someone leaving you. Build YOUR life today!

You can do this.

Susan

Lilyloo: ignore him. He has an itch and wants to scratch. He's drinking and texting... not a good combo. Turn off your phone at a certain time. Ignore his stuff. Go to sleep and get on with your life.

Seriously. It's not confusing at all. Except for the fact that he uses some pretty words, it's all about him, him him. How else to explain middle of the night text messaging? It's SO manipulative! And you were once attached at the hip to that guy! Holy cow!

Thank god you are free now. Please, please stop reading messages from him. PLEASE! Each one is just a selfish hand grenade aimed at your world.

One night out and you HAD A BLAST! Do more of that.

One text from him and you start feeling confused and crappy again. NO MORE OF THAT!

[QUOTE=JBeaucaire]Seriously. It's not confusing at all. Except for the fact that he uses some pretty words, it's all about him, him him. How else to explain middle of the night text messaging? It's SO manipulative! And you were once attached at the hip to that guy! Holy cow!

It is manipulative, and you're right. It is all about him, him, him. It seems when I ignore him he can't stand it and sends these passive aggressive responses. Very immature and inconsiderate.


[QUOTE=JBeaucaire]
Thank god you are free now. Please, please stop reading messages from him. PLEASE! Each one is just a selfish hand grenade aimed at your world.

I like this description, it made me smile. :) It is so true... with every word or sentence he says, it has the ability to blow up my already fragile state of mind. Just when I was making the tiniest bit of progress... thanks for your replies. They really do help me to see things clearer through all the emotional fog.

Glad I can help. You are in control of your life. You can change a cell phone number in seconds, and be all the better for it. Keep airing out the fog!

NOTE: Don't forget to put the [/quote] tag at the end of the quotes you use in your posts. You can even go back and EDIT your post above to clean it up...

Glad I can help. You are in control of your life. You can change a cell phone number in seconds, and be all the better for it. Keep airing out the fog!

NOTE: Don't forget to put the tag at the end of the quotes you use in your posts. You can even go back and EDIT your post above to clean it up... [/QUOTE]

Hi there,

Well I feel the confusion fog thickening once again. I still miss him so, and still find myself trying to figure out what went wrong... what's going on with him, etc. Especially after he sent those texts the other night saying, "i'm and a**hole, you deserve better than me" and so forth. Makes me think there is something going on with him that he's not telling me. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this, but I can't help it.

The thing is, I don't want to change my number. I don't think he is a bad person, and at one time we had a great friendship. Especailly when he was and Iraq, we wrote letters back and forth for months. I really care for him, so getting over him and mantaining NC with him is so so hard. I go back and forth with myself. And when he told me he missed me the other night, I want to believe him. Even though I know he is not being fair to me and that I DO deserve better. My emotions are messing me up. Just hope this gets better.

If you can't make yourself stop listening/reading from him, make sure you ARE still going out as often as possible having fun with your friends like you already mentioned. Do more of that... a LOT more.

I'm going through a similar situation. My man told me he needs time. I always find myself wanting to text or call, but recently I have not and that has hin calling to check up on me. If you fail to show him how vulnerable you truly are and how much you want him back, he may open his eyes. Like the old saying goes: You don't know what you have until it's gone. If he doesn't come around, maybe your better off. Just don't give him the satisfaction to know how bad your hurting.

Let me say this : I don't think changing your number is the way to go.Why go into all this trouble of changing numbers and informing everyone just so you can avoid someone?It shows that someone has all this power on you and your life even after the break.F that.I'm not going to change my life around so that I can avoid anyone.Just don't answer.Simple,no?

I say again,this whole deal is a chance for a trip inside yourself.Unpleasant thoughts always find someway to your mind,making you wonder who's really in control,you over your mind or your mind over you?And which is which?.

It's going to be a sucky time,that's a given.Why not make something out of it,like working out like crazy?

Personally I've been windsurfing like crazy,playing tennis,swimming,going to the gym,going for long runs etc.Sure beats staying in all the time feeling like sh!t.. I strongly recommend taking care of your body,it will help feel better in general.I have been receiving a lot of interest from women,and although I'm really not interested in any of them right now since my mind,heart and soul are not clear yet,it does feel nice to know that.Listening to a lot of music..

Just do stuff,read books,paint,play the guitar,whatever works for you,whatever you enjoy.

Go

Let me say this : I don't think changing your number is the way to go.Why go into all this trouble of changing numbers and informing everyone just so you can avoid someone?It shows that someone has all this power on you and your life even after the break.F that.I'm not gonna change my life around so that I can avoid anyone.Just don't answer.Simple,no?



Yea, I'm not going to change my number. The problem is, I actaully want to hear from him again. That's where I get into trouble. I haven't yet reached the point yet where I don't want to talk to him. Given the circumstances, I know it's not healthy. But I still love him.

I'm going through a similar situation. My man told me he needs time. I always find myself wanting to text or call, but recently i have not and that has hin calling to check up on me. If you fail to show him how vulnerable you truly are and how much you want him back, he may open his eyes. Like the old saying goes: You don't know what you have until it's gone. If he doesn't come around, maybe your better off. Just don't give him the satisfaction to know how bad your hurting.

I think you're right. That's the only reason I haven't contacted him yet. Just don't want to be that needy, desperate girl begging for his attention. I know I'm better than that, and I guess I'm hoping my heart will catch up to my head eventually and not hurt so much. I don't want hm to know how vulnerable I am. I believe he still cares, but for some reason he is pushing me away. I just want to get to a point where it doesn't hurt so much.

Yea, I'm not going to change my number. The problem is, I actaully want to hear from him again. That's where I get into trouble. I haven't yet reached the point yet where I don't want to talk to him. Given the circumstances, i know it's not healthy. But i still love him.

Yeah,tell me about it.. She calls and texts me occasionaly,and it's really hard to not answer or respond,cause I really want to hear her.But I know how it's going to go and it would be worse.Plus I'm going through major bereavement and she was the one person I could lean on to.So I'm twice messed up.

More time,more time has to pass,it's still too soon..

Im going through the same thing girl, Just remember that we all go through breakups and WE STILL SURVIVE! Don't let him bring you down to the point that you lose yourself.

Me and mine were together 3 years and had a child... thats especially tough!
You will make it! I promise!

Yeah,tell me about it..She calls and texts me occasionaly,and it's really hard to not answer or respond,cause I really want to hear her.But I know how it's gonna go and it would be worse.Plus I'm going through major bereavement and she was the one person I could lean on to.So I'm twice messed up.

More time,more time has to pass,it's still too soon..

Sorry for your loss. :( I hope you find some peace and feel better soon.

So when she texts you, you don't respond? Does she continue to text you after that? I tried to ignore him the other night when he started texting, and he got kind of passive aggressive which I thought was odd. He was like "oh, no answer.....ok." Very confusing behavior. I mean he dumped me! What does he expect? Sigh... :confused:

He expects you to be friends as he wants. He may not even realise your hurt, or doesn't care.

We mans are sometimes really jerks.

OK. He did finished the relationship. It was his decision - so let him eat that and digest it alone.

Don't make him know what you feel right now, give him a freeze Even if you like to get some message from him, don't answer and don't let him know that you like to get messages.

It looks a lot like he is 'trying' you. Some guy's think a relationship is like a game where they have to play with the girl a little from time to time.

By showing no sign's of deadly unhappy or close to get nut's you kill his intentions and if he still loves you he will try to come back.

You have to find the balance between setting your rules for the future with him and not making it look like a dictatorship. He just has to understand that you talk serious stuff when it comes to your relationship, no room for games.

If this doesn't work out, drop it and go on with your life.

G.

Sorry for your loss. :( I hope you find some peace and feel better soon.

So when she texts you, you don't respond? Does she continue to text you after that? I tried to ignore him the other night when he started texting, and he got kind of passive aggressive which I thought was odd. He was like "oh, no answer.....ok." Very confusing behavior. I mean he dumped me! What does he expect? Sigh......:confused:

I don't answer cause,what's the point really?. She knows how I feel and where I stand.She knows I love her.The texts and calls are just stupid.Sometimes it's like "last one".And then yeah,after a few days,with some excuse she will send again,for example to wish me luck for my next match or something.. Or she will call at 1 past midnight Saturday night at home and won't talk,just to see if I'm there and stuff... But who cares?? SHE'S NOT HERE.

I believe that she,like so many people and probably your guy too,is scared
Sh!tless.I think that people like that are governed by fear.Fear of feeling,letting go,getting hurt,fear of losing control,fear of me seeing her vulnerability which she hides proficiently behind huge walls of pseudo-confidence and false ego.So they run away.

But then they realise what they are running away from.They miss it.They know it doesn't come every day.They find it hard to erase it.So they call and text and stuff.Just to keep it alive and convince themselves it was true.

They are too weak to go and be gone but terrified of staying.

Fear prevails in the end.

Lily,

I feel your pain. He is texting you and trying to contact you because he feels guilty. He wants to know if you are there, hurting with him. Remember the saying "Misery loves company"? Well its true. Just like you would love to talk to him and find out he is miserable, he would like the same.

The difference - your strong enough to know better. Your strong enough not to let it happen. You know better than to put yourself back a few steps and have to relive those feelings of the last week and a half. You don't want that, so you Won't let it happen. Good for you.

Ignore his phone calls, he will get the hint. The text's mean NOTHING. Don't read into them, that's not helpful. I know that's MUCH easier said then done. My mind is my own worse enemy, which is why you need to remain busy. You had fun, and like JB said: KEEP DOING THAT. That way, you can not think about him without thinking about not thinking about him. Does that make sense??

Oh, and ka1111


She hides proficiently behind huge walls of pseudo-confidence and false ego.So they run away.

But then they realise what they are running away from.They miss it.They know it doesn't come every day.They find it hard to erase it.So they call and text and stuff.Just to keep it alive and convince themselves it was true.

They are too weak to go and be gone but terrified of staying.

Fear prevails in the end.


... That was terrifying haha

Rules to live by in a relationship

• Don’t live by someone else’s standards, only your own.
• men love men that give off a devil-may-care quality and have an edge.
• A dreaman won’t kill himself to impress anyone.
• A nice girl/boy makes the mistake of being available all the time.
• get back to him when you are free
• see him when its convenient for you
• has no clue where the relationship is going and leaves it like that
• A man will always want what he can’t have.
• hold yourself with dignity and pride
• believe you are a catch
• trying too hard gives the impression you are desperate
• don’t be mothering
• Love yourself and don’t want anyone that doesn’t want you.
• Ignore him and he is intrigued; make him the center of attention all the time and he runs.
• When you don’t pay attention, his more intrigued and chase you even more
• If you don’t make him feel locked down, he'll come your way.
• If you try to corner him, he'll bolt
• fun equals freedom
• give the appearance that he has plenty of space; will drop his guard
• If you feel strongly about something, don’t be afraid to say so.
• Men are attracted to someone who can speak their mind.
• Begin a relationship with a voice
• Space is very important. Makes you look proud rather than desperate. You remain a challenge, because you choose to be w/ him, you didn't need to be.
• Independence rather than dependence.
• That you can hold your own
• demand treatment as if you are worthwhile
• be slightly standoffish
• be sexy, don’t try to be sexy
• play by your own rules
• Be unpredictable.
• Reassure in 2 areas: 1.that he is sexually desirable to you and (2) that he sees that he’s still in the game
• give kisses that are sexy and sensual
• smile allot, be happy
• Compliment him; let him know he’s desirable to you. Tell him he looks great
• don’t be needy
• Be secure with yourself, that he doesn’t feel like he has 100 a hold on you.
• Eliminate these words: “we need to talk”
• Tell it like it is in a matter of fact way.
• Be relaxed, secure and happy with him or with out him. Be happy go lucky
• he should always feel free to go
• leave some questions unanswered
• don’t stop going to the gym or your lifestyle to accommodate him
• don’t stop spending time with friends and family
• don’t check messages too often
• focus on work
• don’t check emails constantly
• don’t stop moving at your own rhythm
• do not abandon your routines
• don’t put pressure him so that he’ll want to be around you
• value your priorities
• stay boss of yourself
• act as your own guide/boss
• you don’t need his approval for anything
• Have more confidence, some else’s mood doesn’t have much impact on you.
• Only give when reciprocal
• When a relationship starts lightning speed, at some point someone will pull back to regain the need for space.
• Stay in control
• The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.
• Once you lose your rhythm, you lose your psychological equilibrium an you become needy.
• Power is the control you have over yourself.
• When someone is being too cocky, they are trying too hard to convince that they are stronger that they really are.
• When treated with disrespect and you take it, they begin to loose respect for you.
• Prioritize yourself over melting into someone else. “No” means no.
• Be clear and direct of what you need without second-guessing yourself
• Don’t wait more than ½ hour for anyone. Leave and you will get respect and it won’t happen again. Remember, you are a prize!
• Know who you are and what you will or will not accept
• Having self-control because true power is the control you have over yourself
• When you have control over yourself, you don’t need to be emotional all the time. – stay the boss of you.
• People get spooked by too much sappy emotional talk, particularity early on in the relationship.
• Do not send tear-jerker cards early on.
• Don’t pout or whimper when you don’t receive calls. Make them wonder every now and then what you are doing and why you are not together. When you regulate the timing, it keeps them wanting and it charges up the batteries.
• Never call more than once in arrow or too much.
• Don’t leave mushy messages; keep the messages friendly, short and sweet.
• Don’t email more than once in a row or send emails about feelings, issues and what you need that you are not getting. Don’t respond to emails immediately every time.
• Don’t stop eating, socializing, sleeping and exercising.
• Avoid last minute dates because you miss him
• Don’t walk in the door, check your messages or call right back. Settle in, eat dinner and relax, move at your own rhythm and then call back. He has to know you have a life.
• Don’t sit by the phone and wait for a call.
• Don’t ask for affection. Don’t coax affection out of him.
• If ignored, don’t try harder to get attention.
• Stay focused on your life. Stay sassy, perky and happy.
• Stay ever so slightly just outside a persons reach, because it charges up the batteries.
• Don’t be governed by fear of losing a man, because a real price to pay is when you loose yourself.
• If you feel you are going to resent something after you give, don’t give it.
• Give only what feels comfortable to give.
• It’s better to give and receive
• Love yourself first
• Never say, “We never spend time together” this is a sign to person that he/she has a right where he wants you. Don’t be needy.
• If taken for granted, pull back a little with no explanation, it catches the person off guard and gets their attention big-time.
• Avoid being a “mother”, transition back to being a “lover”
• Win him back by acting as though you can take him or leave him.
• Treat him casually as though your friend and he’ll come your way because he wants things to be romantic and he wants to be the pursuer.
• Alter the pattern that has become convenient for him; pull back without an attitude and without warning.
• Don’t be a , be kind and strong.
• If it seems as though he’s slightly rejecting you, it can be a compliment in disguise. He wants you so much that he doesn’t want to appear too obvious about it.
• When you act as if you don’t care, it will scare him.
• Get creative and don’t be predictable talking about the relationship all the time instead of going out and having one.
• Never sit home waiting for a call from a guy or that he’s your whole life. It’s like waiting for water to boil.
• Live by your own rules.
• Move to your own rhythm instead of moving to the beat of some else’s drum.
• Decide how you want to be treated.
• Choose what you will or will not tolerate.
• Discreetly leave if you don’t get what you want.
• No one person should be doing all the giving.
• Don’t give too much
• Getting a life will make it seem like you are no longer impetuous, or impatient. When you are relaxed, you’ve take the “need” out of the equation. You no longer appear needy and strong, which immediately changes the dynamic of a stale relationship.
• If you want to renew the challenge, it is imperative to continue the activities you did before he came to the scene.
• When you will not drop everything to be with him, your appear as though you have more going for you.
• Never stop living you life. You are happy with or without him, this will keep you just outside his reach.

Well the thing is, if you've read my other posts... I'm trying to deal with my boyfriend dumping me about a week ago after becoming distant witihin the last month. We got along very well, I thought things were progressing then he says that he can't juggle a GF with all of his problems... has too much going on, etc. This was after being together for a few months and after meeting his family and becoming close. Bam, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

So, I haven't been contacting him... in fact he texted me over the weekend that he "misses me" and really screwed up my head. The thing is, and I know this is not good... he is still one of my friends on my myspace page. I know that sounds juvenile, but I only keep my page because it's a great way to keep up with friends and also my brother who is out of state. Anyway, I haven't been looking at his page, but I do look at my friends status updates, and he changed his tonight to "blissful". Oh ****ing great! I am sitting here with my heart in pieces, barely making it from day to day and he left me in the dust and now he is blissful?!

I know, I know, what else should I expect right? I was so good to him, and he just threw me away like nothing. I wish I could turn off my feelings. :( :(

Look, you need to realize that yes it is over. I know this seems harsh, but we have all been there.
As far as the myspace is concerned... you use it to contact some of your friends right? Maybe you should think about deleting him for your friends list. I know it may seem insensitive and harsh, but it might be the best thing for you to do. If you don't see this happening, then stop looking at his profile. It will only kill you. It will be hard and kill you just as much to not do it, but you won't be knowing what else is going on.

The reason he probably changed his to "blissful" is to get a rise out of you. Or he is just trying to pick himself back up. He was probably equally as hurt as you are. He just decided he didn't want to sit around and wait for a while.

I am sorry to hear about this happening. Ending long relationships is hard. We have all been there. Its even harder when you seem to play the victim. It all depends on how fast you decide to get on with your life. I know everyone tells you that and everyone will continue too.

Trust me Ex's will use myspace to get you to notice them. To make you jealous. I had to completely delete mine. Yea it sucked, but it needed to be done. I kept looking at her profile and it made me want to break down constantly. Do what is best for YOU! Not him

[QUOTE=bigbird213]Lily,

I feel your pain. He is texting you and trying to contact you because he feels guilty. He wants to know if you are there, hurting with him. Remember the saying "Misery loves company"? Well its true. Just like you would love to talk to him and find out he is miserable, he would like the same.

Well last night, I was on myspace (I know, I know) and I didn't look at his page but I looked at my friends mood updates. He put his mood as "blissful"! I know I shouldn't put much stock in what I see on myspace, but it really hurt me. I am sitting here in pieces and he is blissfully happy? Just really hurts.

I'm glad my ex never had myspace... But you should listen to Fixer12.. If you can't control yourself and not look at his profile then delete him from yours... now u feel like after you saw his new status.. thats why you need to delete him, its going to hurt but it doesn't help having contact or knowing how "good he's doing", it breaks u even more!.

He put his mood as "blissful"! I know I shouldn't put much stock in what I see on myspace,
You sure enough set yourself up for that one. Lesson learned?

Well last night, I was on myspace (i know, i know) and i didn't look at his page but I looked at my friends mood updates. He put his mood as "blissful"!! I know i shouldn't put much stock in what i see on myspace, but it really hurt me. I am sitting here in pieces and he is blissfully happy? Just really hurts.

Tough lesson to learn. I've said it over and over :)

Don't go looking for info about people, don't even go looking near people where you might accidentally find info. Your mind is going to be going nuts now thinking about it, and you don't need that. That's the entire point of NC

Lily, perhaps wishing him well IS what you want, especially for your own heart's healing. He's moved on and is working on his future...

Ask yourself HONESTLY, do you want him to be unhappy? Truly? I bet you don't.

When you can sincerely wish good on those who you feel have hurt you in some way, then you are an excellently mature and deserving person on whom much good will descend.

Count on it!

Even after I was the one to break up with my ex girlfriend, I was the one checking on her online things all the time (a little backwards right? ). Just avoid it, I'm having a little bit of trouble with my girlfriend now and I learned from my mistake and I am not looking at her online things anymore. I did at first, it was instinct it seemed, but now I feel a lot better that I have thought about things so I have gone back to doing my own thing.

I feel ten, maybe even a hundred times better than when she said "She needed some time".

Good advice

I know where Sikativ is coming from when she says she needs time... I have recently gone through the same thing with my ex girlfriend whom I still see on a regular basis by the way.

It was really hard in the beginning because I too was constantly checking up on her on Face book. It is soul destroying when you see that you lover(ex lover) is not as hurt as you are and you think that they are heartless.

At the end of the day I completely removed my profile. Trust me its tough but after a week or so you'll find yourself slipping back into your normal day to day routine.

In my case she eventually phoned me and told me that she misses me, and we've started seeing each other again.

Although I cannot say that things are any better than it was when we where seeing each other.
Deep down I know that this is temporary and that the current arrangement is an immediate comfort.

Be careful however as this is not the advice that I am givung but rather a set of circumstances that have played out in my situation and may very well in yours too.

Depending on weather you nip this in the bud now or hang on in the hopes that time will heal, do what your heart tells you, be strong and deal with things as they come.

I'm not one to tell people what to do, but I can share my experience and wish you well, no matter which path you choose.

Well let me share with you what I went through.

This will get worse before it gets better. Your mind and body is going through the process of grieving and that being said you will go through a lot of stages in which your mind tries to rationalize what just happened. This may take a month or two, but believe it or not each day gets better and better. One day you will wake up not thinking about them and be ready to get on with your life.

Having just been through this
Keep no contact it helps immensely as you don't tear the scab off the wound the end of your relationship created.

Go see your best friend- that's what they are there for they will help you get your head in order. This one kept me sane after 2 weeks of obseessing about what to do to try to get her back.

When you are going through the steps of grief allow yourself to feel them and when you get there acceptance is probably the best stage to be in. As you will know you have no control over the situation and go back to going with the flow.

As for Facebook or myspace, don't look at it for a while check it once or twice a day but don't surf it as it will usually lead you back to your ex's page, been there myself, you might want to remove them from friends but you don't have to if you have enough will power and luck not to see the things they posted.


While these steps are what helped me go back to the relationship page and look at all the stickies at the top those also will help a lot.

Hey Dr. :)
Could you tell me how long were you on NC (no contact) just curious, me its been almost three months, I wouldve heard omething by now.
Hold strong,Lilyloo,I block mine from MSN,cant stand it,lucky he's not on Facebook,I checked.



i know where Sikativ is coming from when she says she needs time... i have recently gone through the exact same thing with my ex gf whom i still see on a regular basis btw.

It was really hard in the beginning because i too was constantly checking up on her on Face book. It is soul destroying when you see that you lover(ex lover) is not as hurt as you are and you think that they are heartless.

at the end of the day I completely removed my profile. Trust me its tough but after a week or so you'll find yourself slipping back into your normal day to day routine.

in my case she eventually phoned me and told me that she misses me, and we've started seeing each other again.

Although i cannot say that things are any better than it was when we where seeing each other.
Deep down I know that this is temporary and that the current arrangement is an immediate comfort.

Be carefull however as this is not the advice that i am givung but rather a set of circumstances that have played out in my situation and may very well in yours too.

Depending on weather you nip this in the bud now or hang on in the hopes that time will heal, do what your heart tells you, be strong and deal with things as they come.

I'm not one to tell ppl what to do, but i can share my experience and wish you well, no matter which path you choose.

Lily, perhaps wishing him well IS what you want, especially for your own heart's healing. He's moved on and is working on his future...

Ask yourself HONESTLY, do you want him to be unhappy? Truly? I bet you don't.

When you can sincerely wish good on those who you feel have hurt you in some way, then you are an excellently mature and deserving person on whom much good will descend.

Count on it!

No, I don't want him to be unhappy. He has actaully been unhappy in his life for quite a while now due to situations at work (he's in the military) and things with his family. In some ways, I think that affected our relationship. There have been many times that I have thought... I would love to see him and know him when he is truly happy in his life. He has seemed so angry at the world and I don't want that for him. I always tried to be there for him and listen and be understanding about his problems. Guess it was just a bit of a shock to see that he is now "blissful" without me when I was so good to him. Makes me feel like I didn't matter that much I guess and that I'm somehow easy to forget.

Tough lesson to learn. I've said it over and over :)

Don't go looking for info about people, don't even go looking near people where you might accidentally find info. Your mind is going to be going nuts now thinking about it, and you dont need that. Thats the entire point of NC

I know. The thing is, I don't look at his page or his comments at all. The mood updates are in an entirely different category and I go there to see what my other friends and family are up to. Guess as long as I have him as a friend on my page, that's the risk I am running. Seeing something I don't want to see. Even when we were dating, I barely looked at his page because I didn't want to misinterpret something. I can't bring myself to delete him though... so maybe I will just delete my acct.

You sure enough set yourself up for that one. Lesson learned?

I didn't look at his page... :)

Hey I'm old school, and we didn't have computers back then, so you couldn't check someone's mood online.

Can I be honest for a second. The idea of healing, and moving on requires a lot of work, and some pain. It also requires no contact with the ex. Anything less will slow the healing process down quite a bit. Sorry, wish I could sell you a few pills for your heartache. With time and experience, you'll learn to cope with your feelings, and what life throws at you much better.

:confused:

So... some of you may know my situation wth my ex from my other posts. I hope you can give me some more great advice because I am so confused right now and hurting... :(

My boyfriend who I was absolutley crazy about broke it off with me a few weeks ago, saying that he just didn't think he could handle a GF right now, and that he "just wasn't the guy for me". This was after months of dating, where I thought he really cared for me and I thought things were progressing. I was and am still devastated. So after he told me that he just wasn't sure about us, and that he didn't want a GF, I backed off completely and didn't contact him at all. This was about 3 weeks ago. It killed me not to contact him, but I figured I had to move on. I didn't want to chase him or prolong the hurt. I have been hurting very badly these past couple of weeks not knowing exactly what went wrong. I was starting to feel the tiniest bit better last weekend, when he drunk texted me late at night to tell me he missed me. As confused as I was after that, I still did not contact him this week.

Then, this past Friday night he starts texting me about 6 or 7 pm asking me if he had texted me over the weekend and what did hs texts say and were they bad? He knew he had texted me! I felt like he was fishing to see how I felt. So I was short with him, not rude just indifferent. Then he wanted to know what my plans were for the night, and could we hang out later? On the one hand, I was so happy to hear from him, but on the other I felt sick to my stomach... like here we go again. He confuses me so much. I don't think he knows what he wants. I know he cares for me still, but I know he doesn't want a relationship right now. It hurts me, that he thinks he can just pop in and out of my life on his terms. It's so unfair! Does he not know how much I love him? Why can't he consider my feelings? I don't know what to do. I don't want to be his "friends with benefits" girl, which I suspect is what he is hoping for. Why won't he let me be if he doesn't really want me? Should I just ignore him or tell him that I love him too much to be in a random situation with him? I am so confused... I do love him. He is turnng out to be not the person I thought he was though. He is being very selfish right now. Still, I have this confusion and feelings that I don't know what to do with. Don't know if I can stay strong and not see him if he contacts me again.

All too often the people who dump us change into people that we hardly recognize after a short period. The good news is that many times this makes it easier to get over the person and see who they truly are (now).

Personally, I don't think that you should respond to him. If you must, tell him that you aren't ready to be talking with him again and get yourself back to being better. You noticed that you were feeling better - so just imagine how much better you could have felt if you kept that feeling going...

Ignore him, when he send you a text don't even open it, delete it. If he calls don't answer.

For closure you might can let him know how you fee, but don't listen to what he has to say.

Continue on with your healing and let him mess you up by opening up all wounds, your then going have to start all over with no nc and it could be harder. If you think that all he wants is friends with benefits, then your instincts are right. Just stay strong and leave the past in the past because I know you don't want to relive the pain he cause. Just curious, what does he say or ask?

Texts are just little LAND MINES thrown into your life, aren't they? Cell phones have royally screwed with people's boundaries. I didn't have to deal with any of these convenient little spears to my heart when I was growing up.

I truly, truly hate cell phones. (OK, speech over).

He's not confusing at all. You've had time to absorb his "demands" on how he will let you in his life as long as you don't mind it being nothing serious. It's all about him. He's rudely and insensitively testing your waters to see if you're ready to give in.

Are you?

hey Dr. :)
could you tell me how long were you on NC (no contact) just curious, me its been almost three months, i wouldve heard omething by now.
hold strong,Lilyloo,i block mine from MSN,cant stand it,lucky he's not on facebook,i checked.

I was on NC for about a month.
Each person is different I guess, but keep one thing in mind. While I was NC I had resolved myself to the FACT that I was never going to hear from her again.
It is such a gamble because as much as you want that person to contact you he/she may be applying no contact too. And I'm afraid it is at this point when you truly just need to let go. No one wants to be the one who gives in, especially if your gut feel is one of doubt.

Yes there is also the point of view that one needs to follow your heart, SO it is with this in mind that I remind you that mine is not advice, but rather a opinion or a situation to which I can relate... At the end of the day it is YOUR choice to make, and when you make that choice accept all consequence good or bad.

Ask your self the question, is it the person that i love, or the feeling of being a part of something that you love. Sometimes we have a void in our lives that is filled by a person.
Keep yourself busy with something else for a week, make plans with friends so you litteraly have no time for any thing else and stick to those plans... all be it origami or finger knitting... anything!
Then ask yourself that question again!
I wish nothing but love to all who seek it. And to those who find it savour every moment. It is a scarse and fleeting thing this love.

I was on NC for about a month.
Each person is different i guess, but keep one thing in mind. While i was NC i had resolved myself to the FACT that i was never going to hear from her again.
It is such a gamble because as much as you want that person to contact you he/she may be applying no contact too. And im afraid it is at this point when you truly just need to let go. No one wants to be the one who gives in, especially if your gut feel is one of doubt.

Yes there is also the point of view that one needs to follow your heart, SO it is with this in mind that I remind you that mine is not advice, but rather a personal opinion or a situation to which i can relate..... At the end of the day it is YOUR choice to make, and when you make that choice accept all consequence good or bad.

Ask your self the question, is it the person that i love, or the feeling of being a part of something that you love. Sometimes we have a void in our lives that is filled by a person.
Keep your self busy with something else for a week, make plans with friends so you litteraly have no time for any thing else and stick to those plans...all be it origami or finger knitting.... anything!
Then ask yourself that question again!
I wish nothing but love to all who seek it. And to those who find it savour every moment. It is a scarse and fleeting thing this love.

Excellent Advice Dr. Ruth-less!

Please trust me when I tell you this. NC is a good thing! It may seem evil and hard right now, but it is all for a reason. Would you rather talk to your ex everyday about their new people and happiness in their lives? Would you want to go online and see one day that they posted a new picture of themselves and they look better then ever? Or Happy with out you/

Bottom line NC is super hard, it gets easier everyday you do it. It's like breaking away from a drug... your brain will search for that feeling that you got from them. You find yourself looking at their myspace/facebook. That's why we tell you to get rid of them.

The reason we do tell you this is like what Ruthless said above... we have gone through it and we see the mistakes we made, and we don't want to see you make them either. I know I personally should have stuck to NC back in November... but it's already June! And I still only get to about a week before I break down and reply to her... it's about commitment. Things get better if YOU want them too... no one is telling you that you have to feel bad. The only one who is is your ex... cause it makes them feel better when you are down and they aren't. Be strong! NC is usually the best.

Well the thing is, if you've read my other posts...I'm trying to deal with my boyfriend dumping me about a week ago after becoming distant witihin the last month. We got along very well, I thought things were progressing then he says that he can't juggle a GF with all of his problems...has too much going on, etc. This was after being together for a few months and after meeting his family and becoming close. Bam, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

So, i haven't been contacting him...in fact he texted me over the weekend that he "misses me" and really screwed up my head. The thing is, and I know this is not good....he is still one of my friends on my myspace page. i know that sounds juvenile, but I only keep my page because it's a great way to keep up with friends and also my brother who is out of state. Anyway, I haven't been looking at his page, but i do look at my friends status updates, and he changed his tonight to "blissful". Oh ****ing great! I am sitting here with my heart in pieces, barely making it from day to day and he left me in the dust and now he is blissful???!!!!

I know, I know, what else should I expect right? I was so good to him, and he just threw me away like nothing. I wish i could turn off my feelings. :( :(
Sounds like my ex. I think the thing with guys is that if they don't know EXACTLY what they want out of dating/ a relationship... putting a title on it can also do the reverse and scare them away. Or possibly there is another girl? That would only be if you guys were dating a few months though. Go with your gut on that one.
Give him his space, and in the meantime keep yourself busy, don't reply to his texts, take a trip away with your girlfriends and realize there are other men out there. There is a reason he is being this way... have you asked him?
I say delete him on your myspace, I delt with some online stalking with my ex and it was not cool. Plus if you check his page constantly you will get all worked up over something that is probably not what you think it it.
Move on to new men!

Sorry to keep bothering you Dr. Ruth-less,I do like your name!
How did you resolve that you'll never hear from her,its hard for me to accept that even though its been that long,well.its not a year yet,but by then I'll shoot myself if I don't get pass this by now.
Also why would the ex apply NC when the were the ones who crapped on you so to speak.




I was on NC for about a month.
Each person is different i guess, but keep one thing in mind. While i was NC i had resolved myself to the FACT that i was never going to hear from her again.
It is such a gamble because as much as you want that person to contact you he/she may be applying no contact too. And im afraid it is at this point when you truly just need to let go. No one wants to be the one who gives in, especially if your gut feel is one of doubt.

Yes there is also the point of view that one needs to follow your heart, SO it is with this in mind that I remind you that mine is not advice, but rather a personal opinion or a situation to which i can relate..... At the end of the day it is YOUR choice to make, and when you make that choice accept all consequence good or bad.

Ask your self the question, is it the person that i love, or the feeling of being a part of something that you love. Sometimes we have a void in our lives that is filled by a person.
Keep your self busy with something else for a week, make plans with friends so you litteraly have no time for any thing else and stick to those plans...all be it origami or finger knitting.... anything!
Then ask yourself that question again!
I wish nothing but love to all who seek it. And to those who find it savour every moment. It is a scarse and fleeting thing this love.

Well vivia. I know this question is directed towards Ruthless but the thing is they too are trying to heal. Just because they left you doesn't mean they don't hurt. Even though they seem to act that way. Sometimes they find it easier just to let go, just as we do. Everyone does things for a certain reason... I guess it really depends on your position. Also some people get the idea's in their head that "well they aren't talking to me, so i don't want to talk to them." Kind of immature and selfish, but we all do it.

No pills, no stupid myspace, no crutches. Just like any other addiction - you have to stop looking for the easy fix - it's not going to happen.

Sorry, but you are doing this to yourself, no matter how many posts you write.
Talaniman is right, time and concentrating on what you should be doing to continue the healing process is your best bet. You need to make the choice of wanting continued pain, whining, and staying on the 'pity-pot', or moving on.

So, gather what is left of your self-respect and start mending yourself and look for your own 'bliss'. You'll be a lot happier once your main fix is self-respect and independence.

It's your move...

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Well the thing is, if you've read my other posts...I'm trying to deal with my boyfriend dumping me about a week ago after becoming distant witihin the last month. We got along very well, I thought things were progressing then he says that he can't juggle a GF with all of his problems...has too much going on, etc. This was after being together for a few months and after meeting his family and becoming close. Bam, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

So, i haven't been contacting him...in fact he texted me over the weekend that he "misses me" and really screwed up my head. The thing is, and I know this is not good....he is still one of my friends on my myspace page. i know that sounds juvenile, but I only keep my page because it's a great way to keep up with friends and also my brother who is out of state. Anyway, I haven't been looking at his page, but i do look at my friends status updates, and he changed his tonight to "blissful". Oh ****ing great! I am sitting here with my heart in pieces, barely making it from day to day and he left me in the dust and now he is blissful???!!!!

I know, I know, what else should I expect right? I was so good to him, and he just threw me away like nothing. I wish i could turn off my feelings. :( :(
Just forget him, there is other fish in the sea,, someone who will love you and not play games you will find you night and shining armor I'm sure just be yourself and forget the one that hurt you... from angie

Also why would the ex apply NC when the were the ones who crapped on you so to speak
For exactly the same reason as you do, to heal and move on.

It might be easy to think of the one that dumped us a being a villain, but as we heal we find out different in most cases.

Because they don't want what you want, doesn't make them bad.

For exactly the same reason as you do, to heal and move on.

It might be easy to think of the one that dumped us a being a villain, but as we heal we find out different in most cases.

Because they don't want what you want, doesn't make them bad.


Very true,but that shouldn't absolve anyone either if they cheated or lied orr worse verbally abused you. True many people who write in posts like these don't see the warning signs and we all make mistakes. However,it does seems as if the dumper can move on and pretend you don't exist,then how can they be hurting? Just my opinion.

However,it does seems as if the dumper can move on and pretend you don't exist,then how can they be hurting? Just my opinion.
Dumpers have an advantage of having a lot longer to get used to the idea, and don't have to deal with the shock of a break up. True sometimes a break up is after a stormy time together, and you can't condone cheating , but dumpers are people two, with feelings that hurt. No contact is a healing tool for any one hurting from a loss of their relationship.
Let me guess, you've never dumped someone, vivia?

I agree Tal, they had the break up on their minds for awhile. With that being said, it's easier for them to move on. Start NC and heal and find someone who appreciates you treating them great!

I can honestly say Mr. Talaniman,no I haven't dumped anyone,I have walked from unhealthy relationships that leaned towards emotionally abusive,which I can honestly say this one marked one of them. Also if I am not interested in someone I will let them know right away,after the first date,not wait 7 years or more like some dumpers do. I mean,really.
I understand perfectly its not realistic to point the finger at the dumper, I believe that people should all be held accountable for their actions. Because really, who is hurting the most the one who was rejected,and that's whose posts we see mostly in these sites. I am not saying that dumpers don't have feelings but do you see them coming on website asking strangers advice,because of course they are not hurting, at least not enough to be desperately searching for answers like dumpees are.
Its true, in bad relationships we all have ignored warning signs whether the persons relationship material or not,I raise my hand in that one,but if someone dumps you or wants to take a 'break' like many posts out here.
It is because there is someone else that they are interested in,am I not right? So while they are off pursuing the new relationship,which is often the case because I talked to friends who have been through the same thing; They are not the ones who are really hurting and who are the ones left picking up the pieces. Its true they are way ahead of the healing process. Everyone may have their reasons for breaking up but often time,they are or were being insincere.
I know peoples mind change and they have the right to do that,but then funny thing is they,the dumpers will be the ones months or years from now crying that their new love dumped them. So personally before I decide to dump someone or play w.someone's heart,I do adhere What goes reaslly does comes around.

No pills, no stupid myspace, no crutches. Just like any other addiction - you have to stop looking for the easy fix - it's not going to happen.

Sorry, but you are doing this to yourself, no matter how many posts you write.
Talaniman is right, time and concentrating on what you should be doing to continue the healing process is your best bet. You need to make the choice of wanting continued pain, whining, and staying on the 'pity-pot', or moving on.

So, gather what is left of your self-respect and start mending yourself and look for your own 'bliss'. You'll be a lot happier once your main fix is self-respect and independence.

It's your move...

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

I do agree with most of what you said... but when I said "pill" I didn't mean it in a literal term. I'm not looking for a crutch or an easy fix, just some way to sort out these feelings. Also, writing has always helped me feel better. Writing in journals, poetry, short stories... the only difference now is that I'm writing online. So when you say "now matter how many posts you write". Well I don't really agree with that. To each is own though, and I do appreciate the advice.

Hey lilyloo
I am very sure Chery's response wasn't just meant for you. But its true,writing and reaching out does help. Even if its as many times that's what this place is here for. Sometimes people have no one and no where to turn to,and even if you receive a couple f good responses and advice,you're still going to have to deal with this loss and if it gets too much,come back and write some more. That's why I reach out to people and make good friends. Keep strong and remember,even if it hurts / no contact.and myspace,
Besides when you keep checking his status,he may be aware not sure how it works.

I do agree with most of what you said...but when I said "pill" I didn't mean it in a literal term. I'm not looking for a crutch or an easy fix, just some way to sort out these feelings. Also, writing has always helped me feel better. Writing in journals, poetry, short stories...the only difference now is that I'm writing online. So when you say "now matter how many posts you write". Well I don't really agree with that. To each is own though, and I do appreciate the advice.I know that you did not mean pharmaceuticals dear. If you read the stickies mentioned in Talaniman's signature and noticed, we all go though this torture. But, if you prolong it and don't start on the healing process it will take longer for you to get over it and move on to a better attitude toward yourself.

Writing is a good thing to do, so share some of your poems or short stories.

It just bothers me that you still dwell on the breakup too much, that's all - and I wanted to urge you to think more of yourself and your future.

Sometimes some of us just need a second 'wake up call' to gather yourself and I just felt that I had to send you one.

What you do is your choice and we will be here to help and support you, even if it sound harsh some times.

So, please get back with us and write something uplifting - it will help.
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sorry to keep bothering you Dr. Ruth-less,i do like your name!
how did you resolve that you'll never hear from her,its hard for me to accept that even though its been that long,well.its not a year yet,but by then i'll shoot myself if i dont get pass this by now.
Also why would the ex apply NC when the were the ones who crapped on you so to speak.

Well I can't say that I disagree with any of the above... as this is what I have come to realise too.
The choice lies within each of us! And most of the time NC is best!!

I do also understand that there is always that degree of hope that things will get better.
/you need to get past the hope and focus on what my be will be!

I did not put my life on hold while I was NC. I found things to keep busy... turns out falling off an off road bike is allot more painful than it looks!

The point is that after some time of NC she did contact me again, but like I said in my previous post, "dont expect things to be different to the first time round"

Two nights ago she broke it off with me for the umteenth time!! To be honest I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster... So to her I wish a better future than what I could give her, and to me the peace of mind knowing that I no longer have to be someone else to have a feeling of acceptance and being loved. I can be me again and it is truly liberating.

If he doesn't phone don't get your nickers in a twist or shoot yourself... there are plenty of opportunities to meet new people. But before you can do this you need to be yourself and confident in yourself...

Wow it feels like I have been blabbing on and on!

Hope you find yourself... it sounds as though you have a loving heart and you deserver some one who needs just that and is prepared to love you for the same reasons!

well i can't say that i disagree with any of the above... as this is what i have come to realise too.
The choice lies within each of us! and most of the time NC is best!!!!!

I do also understand that there is always that degree of hope that things will get better.
/you need to get past the hope and focus on what my be will be!

i did not put my life on hold while i was NC. i found things to keep busy... turns out falling off an off road bike is allot more painful than it looks!

the point is that after some time of NC she did contact me again, but like i said in my previous post, "dont expect things to be different to the first time round"

Two nights ago she broke it off with me for the umteenth time!!!! To be honest I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster.... So to her i wish a better future than what i could give her, and to me the peace of mind knowing that i no longer have to be someone else to have a feeling of acceptance and being loved. I can be me again and it is truly liberating.

If he doesnt phone dont get your nickers in a twist or shoot yourself... there are plenty of opportunities to meet new people. but b4 you can do this you need to be yourself and confident in yourself...

wow it feels like i have been blabbing on and on!

Hope you find yourself... it sounds as though you have a loving heart and you deserver some one who needs just that and is prepared to love you for the same reasons!

Lol, Knickers! I like that, should I say I smell the blood of an Englishman? Mostly the anglo say that.
No its okay blab on, I like to learn how people get through this,so keep posting your experience. Also hope lillyloo is strong and not break NC,its funny you do feel like after some times (shall I say almost 4months) they will forget about you,but then I should forget about him. Should is the operative word here.

lol, Knickers! i like that, should i say i smell the blood of an Englishman? mostly the anglo say that.
no its okay blab on, i like to learn how people get through this,so keep posting your experience. Also hope lillyloo is strong and not break NC,its funny you do feel like after some times (shall i say almost 4months) they will forget about you,but then i should forget about him. Should is the operative word here.

Acctualy Im from South Africa and I guess with the diversity of cultures in our country our dialect carries subtlties from many of countries.