I have an interesting question for all of you on this board.

I recently broke up with my ex girlfriend (doing fine by the way, NC is chugging along) and I was talking the other night with one of my good female friends about how the relationship fizzled and she suggested that perhaps one reason my ex lost interest was because she was only attracted to what she could not have. This got me thinking a little. I know there are tons of discussion and theories on the female subconscious about how men have to play games like "hard to get," or girls are attracted to unavailable men, and all that other crap, and I never really believed it, but then I took a good look back on how my relationship first started with my ex...

Its funny really, because I feel like a lot of small coincidences melded together to make this happen. When we first started talking, I was really bad at getting back in touch with her (we didn't know we liked each other at this point, we were just good friends). I often missed her calls or wouldn't respond to her texts. I'm no player (far from it) and I don't believe in these mind games, but honestly for a string of like two weeks, I just had really bad luck, either I would mistakenly leave my phone in my room when I went out, or I would simply forget to call/text her back. Additionally, I guess I acted like I wasn't interested in her, at least from her point of view. (I only found this out later when we first began to get romantically involved, and I told her I had liked her for awhile. She told me that she had no idea, that to her, I had shown no signs of interest. She said that she was used to when guys were interested in her, they were more obvious about it. I guess I like to be subtle.) Finally, she thought I was in a relationship (or around the works) with another girl (not true), which effectively labeled me as "unavailable."

On the contrary, near the end of the relationship, I was unfortunately more of like a lapdop and would put spending time with her before any of my other priorities. I guess you could call that subconscious turn-off.

So looking back, I guess all these factors could have subconsciously attracted her to me. I've only been in this one relationship, but I have unsuccessfully liked other girls before, so I don't really have enough experience to remark on it more, but I just find it interesting that the one successful relationship I did have, when I didn't even intend to play those "games," somehow worked out like that. I'm just a bit curious really, and I guess I'm in a speculative mood, but what do you guys think?

Everything you say can be exactly true... FOR HER. If you're looking for some universal answer, ain't going to happen. The stuff you learn about her may ultimately only apply to the girls who are like her. Now, if you date a certain "type", perhaps the things you learned about her may stay more true than not.

Now, there is ONE thing that will be universal in all your relationships... and that is YOU. So, it may not be bad to analyze your story looking for the things about YOU can learn from it about YOU.

Look, it is ALWAYS a good idea to have a fully developed life. Your girl needs to be a small part of the things going on with you, not THE thing going on with you. It takes a very needy girl to be happy with a guy who puts all his attention on her alone. Understand?

So, make sure your career, hobbies, trips, friends, volunteerism... all of it is still going full tilt when you slot a girl into your life again. You'll both benefit from your independent stature. And if things don't work out with her, it's just a small dent in your agenda.

Hope all that makes sense.

Everything you say can be exactly true...FOR HER. If you're looking for some universal answer, ain't gonna happen. The stuff you learn about her may ultimately only apply to the girls who are like her. Now, if you date a certain "type", perhaps the things you learned about her may stay more true than not.

Now, there is ONE thing that will be universal in all your relationships...and that is YOU. So, it may not be bad to analyze your story looking for the things about YOU can learn from it about YOU.

Look, it is ALWAYS a good idea to have a fully developed life. Your girl needs to be a small part of the things going on with you, not THE thing going on with you. It takes a very needy girl to be happy with a guy who puts all his attention on her alone. Understand?

So, make sure your career, hobbies, trips, friends, volunteerism...all of it is still going full tilt when you slot a girl into your life again. You'll both benefit from your independent stature. And if things don't work out with her, it's just a small dent in your agenda.

Hope all that makes sense.

Thanks for the reply. What you said does seem to make sense and I am working on that right now. Although I still miss her like hell I definitely am beginning to see (and trying to enjoy) some upsides to being single that I completely forgot about. I have definitely learned a great deal from this relationship.

Anyway, back to my attempt at dissecting the human psyche...
I would like to add is that I feel like this type of personality may be more attributed to the immature types. My good female friend also mentioned that perhaps my ex was one of those that just go for "flings" - enjoying the benefits and ups of a new relationship but bailing out when it gets old/hard. Our last talk before I went NC really showed me how immature and naïve my ex was (despite the fact that she's been in several more relationships than me), and I could definitely see her in this category.

Bingo, bango! Well done.

Wow, do you have any idea how important this knowledge/step is? There are guys who absolutely NEVER stop fretting the girls they've lost thinking every one of them was something to long for over and over... blah blah.

You are so right. And dating is for this exact purpose.... To hang around someone long enough to discover who they really are, what their strengths/weaknesses truly are... then decide if you can put up with that forever. Phew! It really is a success when you get away from someone you care about who is actually a horrible match.

Good for you, dude. Enjoy a few months dating the mass opportunities, don't do anything stupid in the meantime, and make sure you're developing other interests besides dating. (nudge)

Bingo, bango! Well done.

Wow, do you have any idea how important this knowledge/step is? There are guys who absolutely NEVER stop fretting the girls they've lost thinking every one of them was something to long for over and over...blah blah.

You are so right. And dating is for this exact purpose.... To hang around someone long enough to discover who they really are, what their strengths/weaknesses truly are...then decide if you can put up with that forever. Phew! It really is a success when you get away from someone you care about who is actually a horrible match.

Good for you, dude. Enjoy a few months dating the mass opportunities, don't do anything stupid in the meantime, and make sure you're developing other interests besides dating. (nudge)

Haha thanks J. It is always good to hear reinforcement that I am on the right track. Though as clear-minded as I come off, it is of course still hard on me and emotions are definitely still there. I know its stupid but I still miss her a lot (despite however wrong she was for me) as she was my first real relationship and I feel like there will always be a lingering feeling. However, it is nice to finally be able to accept the end of the relationship, and of course to value the insight I developed from it. In the mean time I will be chugging along at the healing process and hopefully be developing other interests :)

Haha thanks J. It is always good to hear reinforcement that I am on the right track. Though as clear-minded as I come off, it is of course still hard on me and emotions are definitely still there. I know its stupid but I still miss her a lot (despite however wrong she was for me) as she was my first real relationship and I feel like there will always be a lingering feeling. However, it is nice to finally be able to accept the end of the relationship, and of course to value the insight I developed from it. In the mean time I will be chugging along at the healing process and hopefully be developing other interests :)
Dude ME and you a re like... right here.

JB has made some excellent point as the way you feel, may not be how your partner feels, and you both can be as attracted to each other as you please, but not be compatible in what's important to you both.

Relationships are as much about how you both react to each other, as the experiences and attitudes, you each bring to the table. Some times we find it hard to fit the right pieces together and sometimes we are confused as to how to act or react.

The best relationship, grow together and the partners both work to build communications trust and honesty. Everyone goes about it in different ways but it will always come down to are you both willing to work together, and CAN you.

Ultimately is knowing when to make that decision for yourself, can you cope with this person, and all that they are, or not. We all can have feelings that make it hard to change, and you sure can't change them. So when its not working, the only thing you can change is yourself, if your willing. If not, well you already have found that out. It just won't work, and you must regroup elsewhere. That's hard for a caring human.