Hi all,

Recently signed up and am asking this question in the hope for some tips.

I was 21 when I got with my first love she was 18, she lived next door to me (I was living with parents as was she) and I fancied her from the start.

We never really spoke to begin with just a friendly 'hello' then she went out with a friend of mine and although we knew each other he 'introduced' us.

Then we became really good friends and her and the b/f split up and although I said to get back with him to try again she wasn't interested, then few months later we were together, everything was great, she would always pop into me in the afternoon and if I weren't home she would leave me notes (which I still have)

I wasn't happier although the relationship did have it's snags she was at college at the time and would only come in to see me late evenings and because I had to be up early for work would often be in bed.

We were togther for 2yrs, then she decided that she had enough, and because she lived next dor it was really hard especially when she had a new b/f after a couple of weeks.

Anyway, I moved out of my home just up the road into works accommodation temporarily, then a year later out of the blue she knocked at my door! :D we sat and chatted for a good few hrs then from that day we were seeing each other (as her b/f had moved into her parents home with her) then shortly after I was given a room in a hostel, I was still seeing this girl and we were planning on moving in together.

Then another girl in the hostel started showing interest in me and although I said I wasn't interested she kept on & on also getting her mates to ask me out for her (I was 24 at the time she was 17) then one day we slept together, although I was still seeing the first love, and had no feelings for this other girl but the wimp in me couldn't break her heart :( anyway she was given her own house and cried her eyes out when I said I wouldn't be moving in with her, which in turn made me feel guilty so I moved in with her ignoring my first love when she would call. :( :(

Me & this other girl were together for around 5yrs in which time we had a child, but all the time I still had feelings for my first love, and although I haven't seen my first love for 9yrs, I rang her in 2001 ish but that didn't go down well, I still think about her everyday, I sometimes look at her pictures and her letters she used to write me, I would just love for her to knock at my door like she did back then.

Any tips how I can get over her?

Thanks

Memories are tricky. They feel so REAL. But they are little more than dreams of the past.

It is critical that you realize this is a fantasy you are living in your memories. It has no foundation in your real current life. Worse, the real positive things in your life can suffer when you constantly fuel these fantasies.

Your memories are fine, but the "longing for" part holds no more truth than a dream of getting together with Pamela Anderson. It's sheer fantasy.

You don't usually "get over" real love. Those are feelings. You didn't ask for them, they came on their own and you experienced them, you didn't control them. So how can you expect to get rid of them? Isn't that just another kind of control?

Admit it, feelings are out of your control. Stop trying to do what can't be done.

NOW. What can you do? You focus on the only thing you CAN control... your actions and how you spend your time.

You can fondly think of an ex girlfriend, but LETTING the pining/fantasizing over her go on for more than a moment or two here and there is where you are dropping the ball. You just need to keep developing your present life and relationships and career and hobbies and all the ongoing things that should be taking your mental energies.

You just have to keep moving ahead.

See a marriage specialist?