This is what I wrote as my 6 month update for my jealousy course. It's about how I feel since the break up happened. I just thought it would provide help to anyone who reads it. I'm hoping it will show the new comers to the NC corner and recently broken up people that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So here it is..


So my online instructor sent me my 6 month break up reminder to put into writing how I am feeling and if I feel as though the break up was good. While the time seems to have passed very quickly, it did take some time and soul searching. I would hate to be cliché and use a song lyric so early on in my writing but Gary Allan said it best "I wouldn't say I'm doing great but I think I'm doing well." Since the break up I have bettered my life in a multitude of ways.

First and most important were my jealousy issues, which have seemed to be taken care of. After the break up I took some time and thought I could change on my own, which ultimately failed. I would simply mask my issues underneath and hope that they stayed there. While this sounded like a good idea, inside I knew that I would need to get to the route of all my issues. So after about a week or two of masking myself, I decided it was best to seek professional help. I went and saw a therapist which not many people knew. The therapist knew right away some of the issues and the reasons behind them. From fear of loss to infidelity suffered in previous relationships. Being an internal person made this difficult to overcome without help and ultimately caused my jealous and possessive behavior. Through counseling, reading countless books and taking several online courses on the subject I do believe I finally have the upper hand on the situation, while there still is room for improvement I have come a long way.

Second was to work on some problems that plagued the relationship, some minor things that I knew I would have to work on if I wanted to have a successful relationship in the future. The first one being, compromise, it seemed as though no matter what it was or how small it happened to be, it was my way or no way. A relationship is a two way street that needs to be understood by both parties or it will never work. Taking a deep breathe and looking back on my relationship and watching how other people's relationship crumbled around this same issue, I knew I had to change. Second was laziness, while it may seem small and not a big deal, constantly suffering from the same routine every week will take its toll. You can't simply watch a movie every night you see your spouse, it doesn't promote a healthy relationship. You need to go out, try new things, and maybe eat at that restaurant you haven't tried before. Going for a walk in the park, a museum or every once in awhile go and hang out with friends. Hanging out with friends, the seemingly death curse for every relationship, but believe me, going out with your own friends is a good thing. You don't need to see them everyday to know that they care about you, they made a choice to be with you that should be enough. Be happy for the time you get to spend with them, one to two days a week seems to be good. This is perfect as it gives them time to miss you and still understand what they have in you.

Third, while I could very well have sunk down into a depression and mourned the loss, I instead did my best to turn a negative into a positive. I started to realize that you get one chance at things so jump at every opportunity. I started going to the gym a lot more, started feeling better about myself because of the shape I got into. I've also got into things I didn't think I would do before, whether it was small things like try Chinese food or bigger things like making appointments to get my certifications for IT. You've got to make a choice when something changes your life, you can either let the moment define you or you define the moment.

Now for the hardest question, was the break up for the best? I sat up for the better part of the night pondering this question as it is a lot to take into account. While losing my best friend was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I have matured and learned a lot from it. We both have grown into different people; we have both made new friends and realized what we want out of life so in a way it was the best. When it first happened I was incredibly angry at her, but at this point in time I can look back and see that it was no easier for her to end it than for me to accept that it was over. I now know that it took a lot of strength to do what she did. It's never easy to end something with someone you love even when you know it's for the best. Even though me and her do not speak, I hear that she is happy and doing well so that makes me happy as I have no ill feelings towards her. I still have rough days, but not because of losing her but because of the confusion it set my life into. While I wait for the dust to settle I know that everything happens for a reason.

A friend recently asked me, if you and her had met each other at a different point in your lives do you think things would have been different. Had we met after my jealousy issues were ironed out, and we both matured as individuals, one will never know. I can't really speak of that or what the future may hold as that is not my ability. Life will always throw you curve balls to see how you can change and adapt to a situation, its then that you define who you are. Sometimes you're going to miss but then again sometimes you're going to knock it out the park, the trick is never stop swinging.

Hi Rome,

That was great! And even though you don't know me, I am truly proud of you! In reading your story and progress, I feel better as well, thank you! I miss my ex horribly (I just recently ended it with him, because of my fears), but I hope in time, I can get to the place where you are. I wish you all the best, and please keep us all updated!

Karen (Starlite1)

Starlite, thank you so much! It means a lot that I could be of any help at all. You will get to a happy place in time, everything takes time. It's funny, while time is the easiest thing to have it's the hardest to accept.

Hi Rome,

You are so right! Time is my enemy at the moment. But, as heartbroken as I am, I know time will heal... God Willing LOL!

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to get to a place where you are all right with everything, and you don't think of her that way anymore? I constantly think of him, and it's driving me crazy!

Good luck with your IT certs too! I am in the IT field myself, and am going for my BS in IT - I figure at 39 yrs old, it's time LOL!

It's not that I don't think of her that way anymore, as I would sit down and discuss a possible reconciliation with her. What point I am at is that I know I don't need her in my life to be happy, as I can be happy by myself. That's the hardest thing to over come in a break up. Realizing that you are able to be alone and happy. That took me about 3-4 months to be completely okay, as I brought NC at my 6 month mark and we are now talking, is it just friends or more, I can't really say as of now as she keeps bringing up the past and "misses some stuff" but I'm not stressing over it or texting her. She initiates the conversations lol. I went 6 months without talking to her, going back to not talking wouldn't bother me

What is nice is that you are not objecting to the possibility of a reconciliation if it is what you both want. I really think it's great that you have gotten strong, and you are fine with your life with or without her. That is great!

Yep, I actually took Tal's advice, just taking it slow and easy. And if she were to say she missed me and would like to get back together, we would sit down and peacefully talk about the problems that plagued the relationship before and how we can avoid them in the future.

OMG I wish time wasn't the only solution... Sometimes my head wants to explode!

OMG i wish time wasn't the only solution....Sometimes my head wants to explode!!


Mine too, Damaged :p

This was very inspiring! It sounds like my situation is very similar to what yours was/is. I've realized that I often had the "my way or no way" outlook on things. I was definitely being too selfish in our relationship and our breakup actually helped open my eyes to that. I also relied on him too much to be the anchor of my life. I always wanted to be involved in everything he did because I was afraid of being left out of stuff. I didn't make enough time for my friends and my own interests. My boyfriend and I shared a lot of the same interests so its not like I had given mine up, but I just relied on him too much.

Someone on here wrote in a post recently, "...Because your relationship was a good reflection of your own fears and limitations. You were seeking from your partner the strength, confidence and support that you found missing in yourself." This hit the nail on the head for me. It was 110% true in my case. I was insecure, always worried about where the relationship was going and wanted to be reassured that he loved me. Somehow I think I perhaps took spending time apart as not loving me as much. Or having too much independence might drive us apart. I'm not sure exactly how my mind was processing things, but it definitely wasn't healthy.

Now, I'm not saying the breakup was all my fault. Relationships are a two way street. I feel like my boyfriend took an immature/scared route out of things by just breaking up. He didn't do a very good job of trying to communicate his feelings and expectations to me. We weren't going to be able to make things better if I didn't know what was bothering him. So ultimately I guess he thought the only way to fix things was by running away. Which is too bad because we had a fantastic relationship. We were each other's best friends, and like you Rome, it has been heartbreaking for me to lose that. I lost not just a lover, but my honest to God best friend. Like losing two people at once.

I do feel kind of like you, that this probably was "for the best". Am I happy about it? Of course not, I'm devastated I lost someone so meaningful to me. But it has helped me learn about myself both as an individual and in a relationship. Honestly, it all hit me like a ton of bricks in the first few days after we broke up. It was like getting slapped in the face with instant insight! I know that I need to be more trusting in relationship and work to maintain our individuality. I need to be less selfish and realize that the boyfriend wanting to hang out with just his friends isn't something I should take personally. I wrote him a long letter a few days after the break telling him how I felt and all that I had realized. I wanted to change for myself because I was making myself unhappy. We've had very minimal contact since we broke up and its been almost two months. And I stress minimal. Unfortunately, we were in the middle of a recreational soccer season when we broke up so I still had to be around him once a week for about a month. Since that ended I've been NC. He knows how I feel about the situation and that I would like to try and reconcile at some point. But, I'm like you Rome - I'm happy with who I am and in my life that he would be a welcome addition but I don't NEED him. I hope maybe we can get back together someday, but I'm not waiting around. I'm just living my life and whatever happens happens.

Thanks so much for your post! Its comforting to know that someone out there can relate so much.

I am so proud of you Romey!

:) :) :)

How long were you with your ex, if I may ask?

Me and her were together for 2 1/2 years Beautiful. And thank you for the kind remarks.

Brightside - I am so happy that my story could help you in any way. That's the biggest reason I'm still on this site. I do my best to help others that are going through problems that I went through. It's hard to get over someone you love but with time and proper healing techniques you can accomplish. You're right, I was sad to see her go, but happy that she is happy. Who knows what the future holds for us, she is back in my life right now, not sure if it's friends or could grow into more but I'm not sweating it at all. Good things come to those who wait.