So earlier tonight my leg itched and without thinking about it, I reached down to scratch it. Up comes a scab I had forgotten about (I scraped my leg on accident the other day), anyway in that one moment when I started bleeding it was like nothing else mattered, all the stress that's been going on for months doesn't matter. Now I am terrified that I will start cutting myself again. I haven't cut in the months and I can't think of anything else. My parents will know though, and they will put me in a hospital like they thought about doing last fall. I'm just so frustrated. Dad is drinking again, and it's my fault. I made him sad because I am so sad. I try to come online and talk about thins that don't really matter. But who cares? I mean really what is the point. Therapy, self help, medicine, acupuncture... nothing has helped my sorrow and anxiety. I'm not even happy in my freaking sleep. I get night terrors. I scream so loud in my sleep that my parents have rushed into my room thinking someone was literally murdering me. Now I can't even exercise some of my frustration away in a healthy manner (did I mention I am fat). The reason I can't exercise? I am on crutches for the 3rd spring in a row. I feel so worthless, I really thought I was making progress. But it was just a lie, I would come online and post about meaningless things, then I would hang out with my friends and listen to their opinion on certain boys, clothing, hair, etc. But through it all I guess I am just weak after all.

Dear Blu,
You really need to find someone or something to help you stay focused on your goals.

Are you a believer in any faith/religious belief etc?If you are,you might consider looking into a spiritual healing.More focus on your inner self/soul than your physical self until you have a balance.

If you think your dad is sad because of you, do not blame yourself but try to do better that way both of you will find contentment.
And you might also like to actually talk things through with your dad about how you feel when he is sad/feels disappointed in things you might have done.

About the therapies not helping. I think this has more to do with you actually wanting to heal,maybe within you, you do not believe that you can be good or change for the better.Believing in the process and letting your soul to be affected by the therapy is going to help.If not, you are only doing the actions of the therapies,but not letting it actually heal you from within.

Sometimes when we look in the mirror,we are actually not looking at ourselves but at the past,and what we did or did not do and these affect us so much more than the present.

I think you have it in you to change,no one else can make you change,it has to come from the depths of your being.To want to change and then you are on the road to healing,it isn't going to be easy,but if you are determined to get out of the dark thoughts within you, you might be able to find that peace within that will help you through many difficult moments.

I hope you will keep posting and searching and going on in your healing process.

You are making progress! Well done on the couple of months! It's a big achievement and you should be proud of yourself! You are not weak at all you just had a bad moment, everyone slips up every now and again- sounds like you didn't do too badly anyway.

You are not responsible for your father or what he does. It kills to watch somebody hurt themselves but he has to take responsibility for himself in his own time- just as you did for yourself. You can help, nudge, prompt and support but in the end it is the individual's responsibility.


You don't look fat in your picture, I bet that is just yourself esteem kicking you when your down some more.

I think you would benefit form joining an organised activity- possibly volunteering- to give you an purpose and escape. To make what you do something that is more than yourself, to help give you a meaning.

Good luck you are doing well so far you just have to keep going :)

*Growls* I was so proud of myself, I didn't cut last night... then I woke up this morning and I had clawed cuts into my arm with my nails in my sleep. I can't freaking win. Btw, I really do appreciate the advice I get here. I try so hard to get better, my therapist says it's sad because I try the hardest and want to get better more than any of her other patients. On the plus side I guess there are worse addictions than cutting, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex. But I just don't know... I am lucky I have such a close family that wants to be there for me.

You'll win the war in the end- you just might not win every battle! If you are trying hard and really want it you will get better, it just takes time :)

Try not to beat yourself up for any perceived failures, you have just got to accept and move on. It's not an easy addiction to beat but it is possible.

I remember the first time I realised that when I met a youth worker with massive scars on her arms- but they were all faded and white, I knew than that she'd been in a pretty dark place but now she was healed and happy and living her life. That was when it dawned on me it wasn't impossible and there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh dear I'm clocking up the clichés today! Never mind, I mean what I say and I wish you the best. :)

I too have been clear of cutting for a few months. I know how proud not cutting on a bad night can make you. Just hang in there. Just keep trying. Try to keep your head up. You seem like a great person and I don't even know you. I have nightmares a lot too. Its hard, I know. Just remember you're not alone. It helps me when I'm down.

The first thing you have to do to *start feeling better* is to set up a regular exercise schedule and then exercise daily, force yourself to do it until it is second nature.

You can ride a bicycle... that is great exercise and it doesn't cost anything. When your leg is better, you can set up a walking schedule. Have a friend or relative go with you on some of your exercise jaunts! That's an easy sell, they will lose weight and feel better. :)

Best wishes to you,

Hello everyone... I survived the weekend... sort of. It was one of the worst weekends ever. I told my dad I was having some trouble with keeping focused on my school work (I have ADHD and anxiety and depression... bad combination). I begged him not to tell, mom never had trouble in school... she thinks that if you aren't doing well you just aren't trying haard enough. So dad promised he would try to help me. He said he would set up a table in the living room for me to do my work at (I homeschool) he said he would try to help me that way mom wouldn't get mad at me. Well he freaking told her... you see I am a junior in high school but I take very advanced courses (because my mom wants me to) for instance I taught myself geometry in 8th grade and passed the EOC with flying colors. So it seems I just really need a little bit more structure. We have decided instead of homeschooling full time next year I will do most of my courses at the community college. So in order to convince her that I need to go to SCC (the community college) he told her I had trouble concentrating on my own. Well she freaked out and called me lazy and said I was just trying to get out of my school work. She says I always make excuses to get out of things. (She has said several times in the past that she thinks I cut myself to get out of trouble and make her feel guilty... my response to that has always been... "so why do I try to hide it if I just want attention") So now my mom hates me and I feel very betrayed by my dad. I told him this would happen and he didn't listen. In doing so I feel that he betrayed my trust. So I feel really hurt by this... I kind of just want to die... but I know that is selfish of me.