Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.

Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
Time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
Became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
Tough time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more, we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
Run into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
About how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
Great! Well... the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me, saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from NY
To Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
For his sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got back
Together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
As been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marriage,
Children, etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out furnishings
For this house that is being built. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008). I was really getting nervous (and very emotional and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because I love him so deeply, I am afraid that if we got married (Even though I really want to, and still do), if our marriage ever had problems,
And God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. The next day (after I said that I couldn't get married), I told him that I was getting cold feet and that I am so sorry. I do
Really want to marry
Him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
Ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other. He said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while on our trip to vegas (which he cancelled), but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing and returned the ring. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't run out of the marriage or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

Now, it's too late.

Thank you again.
Karen

If your story is factual, you didn't slant out information to make yourself look better, if this story is accurate as described, thank GOD it's over.

You two do realize that you were setting up for the divorce while discussing marriage? You even practiced it a couple of times. And then when things got close, he dumps you for expressing your fears? And the marriage he described is NOT a marriage, it's man with a roommate with "benefits".

This isn't the relationship YOU wanted at all. You know how imperfect people are? You know marriage is the OPPOSITE of worry-free. It is an intense pressure cooker of emotions and opportunity for selfishness.

But you had it wrong too with all that "God forbid it ever end" stuff. How about STARLITE forbid it ever end.

When you get past the initial pain of this final breakup (PLEASE let this be the last one with this guy, he's nuts!), you need to start working on your concept of marriage. It's not an experiment. It's a life commitment to a DIFFERENT way of approaching, dealing with and winning over the crap the universe throws at you.

The crap will come from within, too, because people are selfish at times. But your commitment (NOT your love) means you promise ahead of time to stay there, side by side, figuring it out, doing the work, making the sacrifices, finding the path through it... together.

Marriage isn't an experiment, and it is seldom trouble-free. You can't ever get HIM to see that, but you can surely prepare your own mind and heart for that in the future when a truly serious man is again at your side.

Hi JBeaucaire,

Thank you so much for your response, and advise. I do miss him so much, especially after pining over him for 4 years, but in this latest event (for lack of a better term), he was about to propose (something I wanted (or thought I wanted) for 4 years), but I couldn't take the risk. And the fact that he called me a 'project' and is now being cold again, not even willing to talk about anything, his 'love' for me, that really hurts, but yet is a sign that he is all about him.

Is he a narcissist?

-starlite1

Can't really write much since I'm at work but I will say that you did the right thing. It seems to me like you were his puppet or play thing that he can use and put back on the shelf. Honestly, he's not a real man. He's a little boy who thinks he can buy the perfect relationship. He didn't love you. I have a feeling that you may have been the longest person to have a relationship with him after he separated from his wife and that is probably why he keeps coming back to you. It's a comfort thing for him. You have to wonder, why did his ex-wife divorse him? Why hadn't he been in a relationship after a year and a half of being away from you, And why did he think to contact you when he came to NY to visit his sister? Don't get hurt again. Go out and meet new people. Just because you guys shared one thing in common in terms of going through a divorse together doesn't make him the perfect candidate to start a new relationship with. I'm sorry but this guys make irrational decisions and what's worse is that he doesn't stop to think about his them. I wouldn't want to be with someone that so quick to act like that. It's a child's way of dealing and handling situations. Good luck

Your best course now isn't to look for ways to hate him or slot him into more detailed bad guy roles. You've already experienced the worst of it. Name calling makes you feel better for a moment but is ultimately pointless.

It's over, it was the right outcome. The mature woman steps back and calmly affirms, "In the end, we were truly incompatible. It is good to be back on my journey without him."

Can't add much to the quality posts you've already received here, except to let you know that you can come back and have our support in the healing process any time.

You are better off without him, and were right in you doubts, so pat yourself on the back, forget him, and get on with your life.

Be happy and stay in touch.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much. You are all so wonderful! After I broke up though, I started thinking (of course) of perhaps maybe he did change? Maybe he did want to be with me? Then I think some more, and say... no... he didn't change. It hurts because I really loved this man (and still do) and was so dedicated, and pined and prayed that he would come back, and I know he doesn't know what real love is... it's as if he has this fantasy of a perfect relationship, life, job, house, etc, and if something 'upsets' his fantasy he crawls into a proverbial cave... shutting me out (in this case)... this isn't normal behavior is it? I mean I didn't do anything wrong to this man, did I?

Thanks, Karen (starlite1)

Starlite1, your questions and concern makes me feel like you would take him back if he came back today. It sounds like you are making excuses for him and that your are more concern with him than the fact that he can really do (and has done) some psychological damage to you. I've always said that people can't be helped unless they help themselves , so take our advise and follow them as you please, but be warned that most people here have gone through what you are going through.

Thank you ThoughtIWas. I know, you are correct. I have to have better self-esteem for myself. I have to know that I can do better, and I deserve better. It will be a long process though...

Oh... I am supposed to visit him the beginning of July; he had purchased concert tickets when we were together, and we are still planning on still going... How should I handle this? I haven't bought my airline tickets yet... but... should I call him soon to discuss this further? I spoke to him last week, and haven't heard from him since, but should I contact him, or wait until he contacts me, to see if he is still interested (in me, the concert, etc)? You know what else? I really doubt I would take him back... the only way I would is if he really had an in depth heart-felt conversation with me (which usually is not his m.o. - as you see from my original post - he would just come in like gangbusters - like spur of the moment). If I not contact him, I wonder if he would still contact me (about the concert). How should I handle this?

If I do go to the concert with him, do you think he will talk about us? Try to get back together?

I am sorry, I could not counsel you to get on an airplane and fly to a concert to be alone with him. It's an impossible situation and it is unwise on so many levels. Doing this now is just crazy for no reason other than "we'd planned it". That's not a reason.

There are concerts near you. Sell your ticket to him so he can take someone he wants or simply send it to him as a parting "I got my life back" gift.

Purchase another ticket to an awesome concert close to you and TAKE A FRIEND.

Stay off the planes. The money saved on airfare alone puts you ahead in this situation.

Hi JB,

You are right. Actually, he purchased the tickets and are in his possession. Do you think he still wants me to go? If he does, what are his true intensions? Does he want to remain friends, or does he want to try and talk things out?

I know I shouldn't go though. I just am also curious if anyone thinks if he is really over me?

Hey Starlite,

Hangin there,sorry but I am going to watch the movie SSex in the City and in a way it reminds me of you and your guy. He seems to show up whenever you got away from him but once you get close, he breaks it off somehow. And no you're not a project, he is,and divorce would have been more than likely if you two got together. But maybe there is something you can do, if he wants to try again, I suggest you both go to counseling,or a trusted clergy member. You have support here,and you can pm me if you wish,I just posted myself and this is a great place to get and receive support! Right Chery?

HI,
U know what?. Don't even worry about if he still wants you to go or not, or what his intentions are... Don't go to that concert, if u do, you will end up getting more hurt than you already are... Be strong.. You already went through a divorce, you are a survivor... Stop worrying about him, and just focus on yourself... Going to the concert won't make anything better/...
PLZZZZZ don't go!! :)

No he's not over you, if you're referring to his feelings. Neither are you. So what?

Karen, haven't we talked about this already? You're asking questions where it doesn't matter if the answer is "we still like each"... right? No one is debating whether you cared for each other or not. Beside the point.

You're not good together, in SPITE of your feelings. What do you need before you'll wrap that thought around you and keep it? The t-shirt? Bumper sticker? Mural?

Stop fretting his feelings/intentions/desires... look around and get busy in your own life. Today, preferably. You seem to have WAY too much time to spend thinking about this over and over and over...

I know I shouldn't go though. I just am also curious if anyone thinks if he is really over me?
Are you kidding?

You guys are awesome! Thank you!

And I love Sex and the City! Can't wait to see it!

You guys are awesome! Thank you!

And I love Sex and the City! Can't wait to see it!

I didn't read one word that said he loves you.

If I missed something, please show me.

Taliniman and JB,

I'm sorry. Unfortunately, for the last 4 years, this man is all I have thought about. You both are right though. I just hope I didn't do something that caused this behavior from him (the yo-yo'ing from him in the past)...

Hi Talaniman,

In our on again off again relationship, he had always said He loves me, he wants to marry me, he wants to have a life with me, then he leaves, then he comes back...

He says he loves you and wants to marry you, but then he leaves you... :confused:
Actions speak louder than words!!!

Hi Damaged,

I know and you are right. That is why I said to him at the last minute-a week and a half before I was to move that I didn't think I could move there/marry him. Then he said 'well I bought the ring, had it for a month, and was going to propose to you in Vegas (which we were going to go on May 9th. He cancelled that at the last minute) and he returned the ring a day and a half after I said what I said to him. He also said that a small part of him had a sigh of relief when he returned it. Then he said that 'who knows, maybe I would have wanted out after a year". I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He truly broke my heart! Friends and family of mine think that he really didn't have a ring; that he was just upset that I backed out... I don't know...

Any thoughts?

I think you're right, we can't know if anything he says is true or not. Neither can you.

This thought spiral is totally not helping, is it?

Hi JB,

No, it's not - I have always analysed everything he has said starting with when he broke up with me the first time, wondering what is truth or not. And one thing I forget to mention... when we first became more than friends, and we both said that we loved each other, and began dating each other, he started changing (the wall went up, he started to become mentally distant) My God.. what the hell am I doing to myself? You know? I really love this man, but it is so apparent that even though he loves me, I don't think he is 'in love' with me. I don't think he even knows with being 'in love' really means. Again, this man stated that he wants a 'perfect, trouble-free' relationship... I explained that there is no such thing, not with me or anyone else... In the past though, he was so damned charismatic... and I fell real hard...

Like JB says, we don't know if anything he says is true.. so the best thing to do is forget about him... It will be hard, I know that for a fact, but you got to do what's best for you.. Leave him behind & don't look back! Take care of u:)

Hi Damaged,

I know. I am really missing him. I was just about to be this man's fiancé (if in fact he was really going to propose), something I wanted for so long, and I ended it this time, out of the blue-we weren't even fighting... It was as if I got cold feet... but I also can tell you, that even though I wanted so much to be with him and that I was overjoyed that he came back after a year and a half, my fear surfaced and I didn't want to keep having him run away... like he has done in the past... Part of me is thinking.. well... maybe he did change for the better?

How is the best way to meet new people? After being hung up on him for 4 years, I really want to meet a nice guy, who will love me and respect me. But, again, I am rusty. I have considered the dating sites, but they seem so cheesy... any suggestions? I know this sounds corny, but I really need to get swept off my feet by someone who is genuine.. I do lack self confidence, I have been to therepy, and nothing seems to help... the therepist said it is because my lack of self esteem and self confidence could very well be contributed to what I was going through with him...

I was just about to be this man's fiance (if in fact he was really going to propose), something I wanted for so long, and I ended it this time, out of the blue-we weren't even fighting...

I think you ended it because deep down you knew something wasn't right.. Sometimes you got to trust your intuition, (and you did).. Like we all have said, we don't even know if he was really going to propose, so stop questioning your actions, and looking back.. Its time to move forward.. U've been stuck in the same place long enough... That's it.. You chose to end it, it was the right thing to do!.

Starlite..
Have you ever heard: " love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it runs away from you...but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulders" (or something like that):D
Well what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't look for love or people... Just work on yourself because you were saying you have low self confidence.. Go out, have fun with your friends, or alone.. Try to be happy with who you are, learn to love your beautiful self, and the rest will come:cool:

Dear Karen, in reading your story, it just jumps out at me... both of you, BOTH of you, are having problems with commitment. Back and forth, back and forth. You want a guarantee about life and so does he. It ain't there, girl, for no-body. My husband, now over 30 years together, and we are both 60 yo. Had some trouble like that initially. We were going to marry, he got cold feet, left, and then came back. My "friends" said, don't take him back, you are crazy... THEY were wrong. My reasoning: if he left and came back, that was a good sign... anybody can leave, but it takes some love to come back. BUT, what we had going for us was that we could talk and talk well about things. I trusted him to talk the truth and he felt the same about me. Our ability to communicate and "keep our own sides of the street clean" kept and keeps us together. We weather storms. It ain't purrrfect, but it is great for me. Forgive me, but I think you both need some deep soul searching and truth between you, not these silly games. I think it a good sign that the guy bought a house. He signed on the line, that is commitment. Now where are you on commitment? I send my best hopes for your soul searching.

Hi Kronenc,

I wish I could trust him. I have no problems committing, it's just he comes into my life, then leaves, then comes in, then leaves. This time, it seems that he was here for the long haul, but so did the other times. I just don't know what to believe from him anymore. It is so mentally draining... I would love nothing more to be in a committed relationship with him... but, if during our ralationship, whether we are married or not, if some hurdles come up, no matter what they are, or of what magnitude, will he be there to work things out, or will he jump ship? I want to feel that he would stay, but.. givin how he has hurt me in the past, even when there were no issues causing him to leave, he left...

Despite the feelings, he gave you a preview of what it would be like in the future, and I am sure you agree, its not pretty.

I'm sort of old school, and don't believe in waiting for someone to get there act together, and I suspect you sort of depended on him, way too much for a happy life, and really think you should learn to love yourself more, and be responsible for your own happiness. Regroup, and get a life that you enjoy without him in it, and some happy healthy guy, will want to share the happiness with you. Then you both can work together to be happy. Sounds so simple and it really is, when you focus on you, and not yoyo guy.

Hi Tal,

I know, yo-yo guy (I like that :-) ) isn't good for me. For once in my life, I have to really focus on me now. As I have said, I have always focused on everyone else (esp. the men in my life, ESPECIALLY yo-you man). I know this is going to be a supid question, Tal, but I am very serious: by me focusing on myself, will someone nice come along? Soon? I want to give my love to someone who deserves it, I want someone to share life with, to be totally comfortable with one another... Someone who appreciates me...

I don't think she has commitment issues.. its just that she has given him so many chances and he always ends up leaving... Looking at her situation the best thing to do is run... this guy doesn't deserve any more chances... she has given him one too many..
Starlite you deserve someone so0 much better.. Let it go

Thank you Damaged :-) I appreciate that very much. I hope that someone is out there...

The most attractive females I know are the ones who are doing what they want and don't need anyone to make them happy and enjoy life. Stop and think what kind of man you attract if you depend on them to even have a life? Now what kind of man would you attract if you were strong capable and independent?

I now you sound as if you have a lot of love to give someone, but honestly, give it to yourself first, because its yours, and you deserve it.

Stop and think again about all the men in your life that you have put first and given your all to, Where are they today? More important, where are you?

I make no guarantees, except if you take my suggestion, you'll be ready when the right guy does appear, as the man you want will be attracted by your independence, and love of life. And you'll be healthy enough to know him when he shows up, and never have to settle for yoyo guys again.

Thank you Tal, you are right in everything. The hard thing I have to do is make myself happy, and get more socially involved with family, friends, and really have more confidence in myself. I play guitar and bass, albeit, not very well at all, but I need to dedicate my free time to practice, building myself confidence, and having fun... Maybe a newer more updated hairstyle won't hurt either LOL!

Go for it!

HA! That I will LOL!

I have no motivation (umpf) though to do anything though. My thoughts are genuine, but a lack confidence in almost everything... ever since I was a child... I have been through therepy, medications (thank God I am off those), but you name it... and nothing, NOTHING, helps me... I always felt that by being with a man, no matter how he treats me... its okay, because at least I am with someone...

At 39 years old... how do I change? I really am broken...

Hey Guys,

I'm sorry to keep bringing this up, but I really still am hurting...

Why doesn't he call/text/e-mail etc? Is it because he really is over me?

Even though I said what I said to him, I did explain myself the next day, and said that of course I could marry him, but I would want to live together first... and he said that ship has sailed (You see this in my original post).

You don't have to apologize.. We're here to help...
I know it hurts, it hurts a lot... but you need 2 move on... You know this guy isn't worth it...
I'm sorry but to me he is a piece of crap... He doesn't call because he doesn't care.. It's that simple!. I don't think he truly wants to be with you.. I don't understand why would he change his mind so quickly... If he was truly serious about marrying you, he would have gotten back with you instead of saying " that ship has sailed".. maybe he wasn't even going to propose and he said that to make you feel bad..


I always felt that by being with a man, no matter how he treats me...its okay, because at least I am with someone.....



U need to understand that you don't need anybody to make you happy.. YOU are responsible for your own happiness, and if you can't make yourself happy, no 1 can do that for you.. Stop thinking about finding a man and focus on finding you and making YOU happy... It takes a lot of work but it's all worth it...
"whoever is happy will make others happy too..He who has courage & faith will never perish in misery"

You know we can't speak to what is going on with him. (nudge) You know that.

You're need to get inside his head is unfortunate. You basically set yourself up with a goal that can never be attained, so you never stop fretting the point. It's a black hole. Lose-lose.

Even if you two were happily together, this would be a terrible habit to get into, needing to "get his feelings"... (shudder). Who can live that way long term?

Happiness comes from being able to freely and honestly express yourself and enhance other people's lives in the process. That's win-win, everyday.

And turning down a proposal to "live together instead"... that's insecurity talking. It's become commonplace... meaning a LOT of people are making this mistake, not that it's a good idea everyone is using.

Practicing being married without the committed selfless love that is supposed to be sworn at the altar, well, it makes the whole living together situation impossible for a majority of the people who do it.

You find yourself still dating, and dating includes being able to walk away, but mixes finances, loses private space, increases expectations without the security you won't lose each other at the same time... it's a mess.

Date, date, date, data, and date until you are certain you can selflessly love this other person. Then marry them, give them the sworn promise you won't abandom them when things get hard/distracted/painful/betrayed... that's a marriage that can survive.

Living together is the easy way out and requires only a tooth brush. Sorry ladies, its getting the milk free without buying the cow. You can just leave if you piss me off, and oh, don't forget the toothbrush.



Originally Posted by starlite1
I always felt that by being with a man, no matter how he treats me...its okay, because at least I am with someone.....



We have covered that ground and you see where it gets you. It doesn't work.


Why doesn't he call/text/e-mail etc? Is it because he really is over me?



If you have to ask the question, then you aren't focused on you. That's the whole point of loving yourself first.
Hate to say it like this, but he doesn't have to call, when you will stew in your own juice and miss him, because he knows you need him , no matter how he acts or treats you.
All he is doing is waiting for you to cave into his demands, and he can have all the milk he wants free of charge, or commitment. And leave whenever he wants. If you weren't so off balance from being dumped, you could see this for yourself.

That's why I am not calling him/texting etc, because I don't want him to feel that way...

I really did want to marry him, but the fact that he out of the blue contacted me back in November after a year and half of hardly any communication (maybe 5 e-mails total), on our second meeting, he said the same thing he has said that last two times; 'I love you, I missed you, and I want to spend my life with you". At first I was ecstatic, but the next day and several times after that, I said to him, 'you have said this every time;, basically talk is cheap! Maybe he was ready to get married to me, had the ring, etc....but I really got nervous, and scared for the fact that I didn't want the past to repeat itself. Of course I wanted to marry him (not live with him without being married/a commitment), but after I said that 'I would love to move down to Georgia and Marry you, I paused for about 5 seconds, and whammo, I said it "but I can't"....it blew me away, because for the last 5 months, I WAS moving there, I WAS looking forward to being officially proposed to by him, I WAS excited about spending my life with him, but it's as if GOD or another force got into me at that second (approx. 2 weeks before I was to move) and I said 'I can't". The next day, I felt so badly for what I had said, especially since I was planning to spend my life with him, and was telling him how I can't wait, (I really wasn't leading him on, and I didn't want him to think that I was), and then I blew it... The man that I wanted to be with for so long was about to bring me into his home in GA, and proprose (so he stated), and I screwed up... But... there was a real reason as to why I said what I said... even after he kept telling me all these months "I know it's a leap of faith Karen, but please trust me, I really want it this time"... That's the thing... I couldn't risk moving to a place where I don't know anyone or anything, and God for bid that happened again...
But what gets me is I was so dedicated to this man for so long, expressed my love to him on every level... and he kicks me to the curb... even now... You think if he really was in love with me, even after what I said to him, wouldn't you think that he would want to talk more, stay with me and work through the hurdle so we can have a beautiful life together?? No, instead he called me a 'project', and said he wants an easy, trouble-free marriage... That hurt...

Good Morning,

I am adding to this. Today I feel so depressed... I am really missing him so much. I feel so badly that I said that 'I can't marry him" Maybe he really changed...I failed this because I didn't even give it a chance to work...I didn't move there like I was going to, I didn't give it a chance this time.....Can I make it right? Will he ever allow me to make it right? Or did that 'ship truly sail?" The last time I spoke with him was last week, and as of then he told me to book my flight for the concert which is July 9th... I didn't book my flight yet... I am waiting to see if he contacts me before that... I am so confused...

Hi Guys,

You all have been so supportive, and I can't thank you enough. I am still having a rough time, for some reason, esp. today.

Today I feel so depressed... I am really missing him so much. I feel so badly that I said that 'I can't marry him" Maybe he really changed...I failed this because I didn't even give it a chance to work...I didn't move there like I was going to, I didn't give it a chance this time.....Can I make it right? Will he ever allow me to make it right? Or did that 'ship truly sail?" The last time I spoke with him was last week, and as of then he told me to book my flight for the concert which is July 9th... I didn't book my flight yet... I am waiting to see if he contacts me before that... I am so confused...

Idk what to say anymore... he knows how you feel and still decided t0 n0t be with you...
He kn0ws he could be with you if he really wants to, but he is not... dat must mean he dsnt really want... u don't have to wait for him... like we all have told you : w0rk 0n yourself,be happy with wh0 u are... u need 2 realize you don't need any man t0 make you happy...

Nd just like you, today has being a crappy day for me... I feel like crap and I don't really know if I miss him or his company.. 2morrow is my birthday, (I spent my last birthday w. him) so its going to be really hard for me... idk...

But back 2 you... try 2 enj0y your c0mpany... its hard s0metimes, but it's a must d0... I wish you the best!

I have been reading at this site for a very short time, but your last post and now this post has made me register to answer.

PLEASE stop beating yourself up over this guy. I even just went back and reread your original post, for a few years this guy dropped you whenever he needed space, time to think, or just decided he had to and when you would come back together again you would welcome him back because you felt you "loved" him. I am not saying what you feel is right or wrong just stating what you wrote.

Now after a few years of living with his ups and downs, you get cold feet before putting your lifestyle on the line (moving, marriage, etc) and run back to him the next day apologetic and this guy says "nope, ship has sailed". People who love you don't call the whole thing off over that in one day.. if you love someone that is very unrealistic. Nothing you did should cause such a severe reaction, be it truth or not on his part.

I ask does this sound like someone who loves you the way you want, does this sound like a guy who really wants to take your feelings into account?

You got scared and needed him to hear how you felt, listen and man up to how his previous actions have caused your fear of him walking when things get tough AND basically he shut the door in your face again.

You are twisting in the wind and stressing over a man who really only seems to desire to bring you drama and sadness when it is his whim to do so. That isn't love in my book and certainly not a way to live the rest of your life if you were married.

Please do yourself a favor, stop over analyzing everything.. it takes two people. He isn't manning up to what he has done to cause you pain in the past and you sitting replaying all you did and second guessing yourself is not healthy. Take a deep breath and realize that if someone loves you they won't do this to you over and over again. Relax, learn to love yourself and your decisions of what is best for you, and let him go.

It seems like he let you go many times in the past, and look at where it has gotten you now. You have to let him go for good.

If you are so confused, I think you need to continue with the break up. What's the point of dating someone who you are not even sure if you want to date.

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much for talking with me. I am so sorry I keep bringing all this up over and over again. I really do love this man, and I would love to be with him (spend my life with him, get married, etc ) It's just he hurt me so badly in the past that is why I got scared.

Chuff - The reason why I am confused is maybe he did change? But then no, wait a minute, If that was the case, he would have called, communicated. Etc ?

Damaged - I want to wish you a Happy Birthday. I am sorry you are going through a hard time as well... Please know I am hear for you too, and I hope you have a beautiful birthday and are out having some fun!

Epiphany - thank you for taking the time to read my situation and respond. It means so much that you all are here. Honestly? If it wasn't for this site and all of you, I know I would have called him by now. And completely broke down...

I'm giving you all fair warning though... I am going to do the best I can to foget him and get myself happy, but if I have a bad day, week. etc... I will be here seeking your advice again..

Thank you
Karen

I'm giving you all fair warning though...I am going to do the best I can to foget him and get myself happy, but if I have a bad day, week. etc....I will be here seeking your advice again..

Thank you
Karen

Karen, that last sentence says it all. You need to make yourself happy, you can't worry about him right now. In fact that constant going back and forth is what is driving your confusion even further. Focus on yourself for your future, if he comes back in it later then that's fine, but right now you've got to rebuild yourself back up to where you can be happy with who you are and the decisions you make.

Go out, do YOUR thing, and kick butt doing it!

I am sure you've got a good head on your shoulders and you're just a bit upset right now, but just keep your balance and move on.

Have fun with YOUR own thing :)

-Sik

I'm giving you all fair warning though... I am going to do the best I can to foget him and get myself happy, but if I have a bad day, week. etc... I will be here seeking your advice again..

I await for your next vent with bated breath, and open mind, Sure we will be here.:D

Thank you Tal and everyone,

I really want to reach out to him and say hello... I know, I know... not a good idea, right? I am really missing him so much, and of course I dreamed of him last night... I can't help but think this is all my fault... he was all ready for me to move down to GA and share our lives together.. and I blew it...

You really have to stop dwelling on the idea that you "blew it". I know that is easier said then done to because often I struggle with this same mentality in relationships.

What I have come to learn, is short of abuse or cheating.. there isn't a whole lot of times when one particular decision "blows" anything. It takes two people to do that and you got a bit nervous, it can happen to the best of us. If he hasn't contacted you by now you really have to stop beating yourself up over this.

I hate to say this and sound harsh but often times for all of thought and spinning you have going on in your head, the other person is NOT 9 times out of 10 giving it the same amount of thought. Don't let it consume you.

Hi Epiphany,

I know, you are right. I think that is what hurts the most... not that I want him to be miserable at all, I just wished that even though I got cold feet, because he said 'he loves me' and we have this love for each other, that he would want to talk things out and work through this so we can move forward with each other... and make me feel safe (safe because of his yo-yoing in the past)...

I am supposed to go to a concert with him in GA in July, and the last time I spoke with him (over a week ago), he still wanted me to go... I am still considering going... but I know once I get there I would want to talk...

By the way... I saw Sex and the City movie this past Friday night... Oh God... as beautiful and fun as it was... that really, REALLY hit home... LOL!

I guess that if you want to go to the concert you should go, but be ready for whatever...
"hope for the best, prepare for the worst".. & if things go right, then good for you, but if they don't go the way u expect, then we're here!

Hi Damaged,

Thank you, I really appreciate all of your kindness. I haven't booked any flights as of yet... I want to first see if we communicate and if he still wants to go...

Let me say for the record... as wonderful as relationships are... they can sure suck! (pardon my french)...

Okay gang,

I need some more advise... I am planning on calling him in the next week or so to talk more of the upcoming concert... and how long I will stay for. How do I bring it up and let him know that I am excited about seeing him.. but not sounding needy or anything?

I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
Ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other. He said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while on our trip to vegas (which he cancelled), but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing and returned the ring. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't run out of the marriage or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

That is from your very original post/question. I have to be very honest with you and it may seem harsh BUT if any man said all of this to me after all that we had been through.. the last thing I would be entertaining would be to call him to discuss concerts plan.

I wouldn't contact him, let him miss you, and if he doesn't reach out to you to try to make plans for this "trip" then you have your answer. Walk away with what little dignity you have left now, because clearly since you are still very emotional and tied up in him (since it is still early since this has all occurred) I do believe you are just setting yourself up for more heart ache.

If that is what you want then by all means contact him, but I believe you do deserve better then what he has proven time and time again willing to offer you.

Just my two cents.

I agree... this guy has dissed you so many times... you don't need to be calling him for anything... but that's just what I think.. let him contact you.. wouldn't u feel better if instead of you calling him, he calling you?. wait until he contacts you, and if you want to go to the concert then do it.. but like I said hope for the best but prepare for the worst

Hi Epiphany,

You are right, I have thought about that too. I guess in a way I am looking for him to come around so to speak, and to see what his reaction is when we see each other. After he said what he said (from my original post), he did ask if I am still going to the concert(s) with him this summer (I think there is 4 that he got tix for before this all went down). He did say he wants to be friends (with no benefits which is comforting), but after all this, I would love the oppurtunity to really have a talk with him in person about everything... I'd prefer that he brings it up first though...

Hi Guys,

I want to call him so badly. I miss him so much. I wish and pray he would call... I don't know what to do... I know, I should do nothing... but I am afraid that I won't hear from him again...

Get up make coffee and take that morning run.

I agree, do something that takes your mind off him. Or take the battery out of your cell phone this way when you get the urge to call him, you have to go through the hassle of putting the battery back in and turning on the phone all to call someone who probably won't pick up.. Is it worth it? I think not

Thanks Romefalls,

I just miss him so much, and I wish he felt the same way... obviously he doesn't though I guess..

So whom are you with? And where do you come from? How old are you now?

I am not with anyone... I want him back. I love him so much, I just wish he would contact me... I come from NY, and I'm 39

I am not with anyone... I want him back. I love him so much, I just wish he would contact me...I come from NY, and I'm 39

How long do you wish to wait for him? You give so many advises out there? And do you follow any of those advises? That s wa they say "doing is different from talking".

Cfloveu - I know.. I should take my own advise... but I do miss him, and I do love him. I just wish to God that he would communicate with me, and we can work things out..

That being said, if he doesn't want me anymore, there is really nothing I can do about that, is there? I can't force myself onto him, force him to take me back... I've tried that in the past... and it falls on deaf ears... if and when he wants to talk about 'us', I am all ears...
He wants to remain friends though (no benefits - he even said that too). But, I really would love to be more again...

Cfloveu - I know..I should take my own advise...but I do miss him, and I do love him. I just wish to God that he would communicate with me, and we can work things out..


Star: You are really a sweet and a nice person that everyone would like to adore and love. I wish you were mine. Someone must be really lucky to have a person like you in their lives. Love is very precious and true love is very scarce in this world.

Thanks CF, that is very kind of you.

I pray to God that he comes around, but perhaps God has someone better around the corner for me, who knows.

Thanks CF, that is very kind of you.

I pray to God that he comes around, but perhaps God has someone better around the corner for me, who knows.


Starlite, can we be friends? I really am in need of a friend like you.

We are all friends here, cf! You have all of us here!

Did you post your situation on this site?

Did you post your situation on this site?


I am not speaking about all but am speaking about you and only you.

Please do not take offense, CF, but I get the feeling that you are looking for a more 'personal' or 'intimate' friend. I apologize, but I am not looking for that. I am working on hopefully getting back with my ex, and making myself stronger.

Like I mentioned, if you want to be friends, and ask advice as friends do, hence all my friends on this site, I will be more than happy to offer helpful advice.

OMG:eek:

OMG:eek:

Right??

Me again... It keeps getting harder and harder... I want to reach out to him still, so badly. In thinking of breakup, he said he wants to be friends, as do I, but I really, really want more, I want what I was going to have with him before I broke it off... I don't know how to handle this... again, the last time we spoke was almost 2 weeks ago, and we left off saying 'I love you' at the same time... Should I text/call him to say hi? (I know I would have to keep the conversation light in context; not break down or bring up anything, just a friendly hello, how are you, and feel him out about whether he still wants me to go with him to the concert... I don't want to ask him outright "are we still on for the concert?".. I kind of want to say "I'm looking forward to seeing you"... or should I not even do anything? My God, I am a mess..

Hey.. good morning
Starlite we've already gone through this.. You will do nothing.. Be patient.. It does get worse before it gets better... don't contact him... be strong!

Hey girl,

I have wronged him... I want so much to make it right, and to be with him. I pray that he does contact me... I didn't even give him a chance this time... :(

No, he has wronged you.. You have given him sooo many changes & he can't give you at least one.. That's not right!. Move on.. You are stuck in the same place!.

"You have given him sooo many changes & he can't give you at least one..That's not right!!..

That is exactly what I would love to say to him, as well.

That is exactly what I would love to say to him, as well.

Hey Starlite, I didn't mean the way you have put it. I didn't mean what you said. Friend is a Friend for me. And 'Intimate' or 'Special' relation doesn't happen just like that. Or not just at a look or at first sight. It is better understanding and involvement that makes a 'Intimate' relation. I value all the relation I would get into and live with it till the end of the life. We make relations to live with them and to preserve them and not to break them. We wanted the relation, hence we entered into such a relation.
I said I want to be YOUR friend. And I mean that.

Hi CF,

I apologize if I took what you said initially the wrong way.

We are friends!

So what has happened in your life that brought you to this site? (Start a new post - about you) I would like to offer my advise and see if it can help you out.

Hi CF,

I apologize if I took what you said initially the wrong way.

We are friends!

So what has happened in your life that brought you to this site? (Start a new post - about you) I would like to offer my advise and see if it can help you out.

I loved her from my heart. Bestowed all my love on her. Wept for her. Slept hungry stomach for her. Was beaten from my parents for her. Sacrificed all for her. But she cheated me and my love.

CF
How old are you?.
Could you please write a more detailed story

I loved her from my heart. Bestowed all my love on her. Wept for her. Slept hungry stomach for her. Was beaten from my parents for her. Sacrificed all for her. But she cheated me and my love.

I am so sorry about the pain you are feeling. Please, by all means, post your full story on the mail 'relationship' page. Lets see what we can do to help

CF
How old are you???..
Could you please write a more detailed story


Well I am 25Years old working for an Investment Banking company.
It was when I was a student, doing my graduation.
Then I just using Internet. Very soon I got someone who spoke to me sweetly. A Girl from Bangkok. We became close friends. And later after some 8 or 9 Months I expressed my feelings to her and said her that I am in love with her. She acccepted my love. We both loved each one very much. She was so caring and loving. She told me everything about her. I believed in all that she said.
I used to bunk my school to chat with her on net. Got very less marks in exams. On weeekends I would enter the cyber in the morning and stayed there for 17 hours, speaking on net and reach my house late at night and get beaten from my parents for staying out for so late and never got food(she had internet connection at home and spoke to me from home). We shared this relation for about 3 1/2 years. I stuggled so much to live without her and without seeing her. Many a times I had shed blood tears thinking about the distance. But one day I decided to meet her. Searched a part time job and saved money. Worked for nights. Sacrificed my sleep and food for her.
Then reached Bangkok (first time I had ever been out of my country). There was this shocking and heart breaking thing for me. She never meet me there. Nor spoke to me when I called her up.I even went to her college. I searched for her, asked people for her by showing her picuture, and asked them if she studies in this college. I even Slept on the road outside the college waiting for her.
But she never turned up. While I was in the airport, I called her up. She only said "Forget me, sam"

Well i am 25Years old working for an Investment Banking company.
It was when i was a student, doing my graduation.
Then i just using Internet. Very soon i got someone who spoke to me sweetly. A Girl from Bangkok. We became close friends. And later after some 8 or 9 Months i expressed my feelings to her and said her that i am in love with her. She acccepted my love. We both loved each one very much. She was so caring and loving. She told me everything about her. I believed in all that she said.
I used to bunk my school to chat with her on net. Got very less marks in exams. On weeekends i would enter the cyber in the morning and stayed there for 17 hours, speaking on net and reach my house late at night and get beaten from my parents for staying out for so late and never got food(she had internet connection at home and spoke to me from home). We shared this relation for about 3 1/2 years. I stuggled so much to live without her and without seeing her. Many a times i had shed blood tears thinking about the distance. But one day i decided to meet her. Searched a part time job and saved money. Worked for nights. Sacrificed my sleep and food for her.
Then reached Bangkok (first time i had ever been out of my country). There was this shocking and heart breaking thing for me. She never meet me there. Nor spoke to me when i called her up.I even went to her college. I searched for her, asked people for her by showing her picuture, and asked them if she studies in this college. I even Slept on the road outside the college waiting for her.
But she never turned up. While i was in the airport, i called her up. She only said "Forget me, sam"

CF - please post this on the main relationship page, not under my topic. I will by all means read this, and give you my best advise, okay?

Well guys, here I am again... I am such a mess... I really want to call him and apologize for everything... I wish I could know if he would ever reconsider getting back with me... My God I miss him... I'm sorry

Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.

Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more, we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great! Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me, saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from NY
to Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
as been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children, etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out furnishings
for this house that is being built. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008). I was really getting nervous (and very emotional and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. The next day (after I said that I couldn't get married), I told him that I was getting cold feet and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other. He said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while on our trip to vegas (which he cancelled), but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing and returned the ring. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarentee that he wouldn't run out of the marraige or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

Now, it's too late.

Thank you again.
Karen


Oh my God! Are you okay now?! :(

Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.

Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more, we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great! Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me, saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from NY
to Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
as been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children, etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out furnishings
for this house that is being built. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008). I was really getting nervous (and very emotional and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. The next day (after I said that I couldn't get married), I told him that I was getting cold feet and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other. He said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while on our trip to vegas (which he cancelled), but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing and returned the ring. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarentee that he wouldn't run out of the marraige or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

Now, it's too late.

Thank you again.
Karen
That's tough. This is coming from my heart. He doesn't feel the same way for you so your going to have to move on with your life. In that moment you had some regrets about him. I don't blame you he broke your heart 3 times. And most likely he would have done it again. So I would say find somebody new in your life because he isn't the right 1.

Well guys, here I am again....I am such a mess....I really want to call him and apologize for everything....I wish I could know if he would ever reconsider getting back with me....My God I miss him...I'm sorry

Starlite my dear. Can you honestly feel totally at ease with this man? Can you ever get that wonderfully tingly feeling in his arms knowing that the only way you'll wind up getting there is to compromise and beg?
We know that he wants a ready made bed, a 'Stepford' wife with no problems, but can you always be on your toes to be able to deliver what he expects?

A lot of questions, huh, but these are of such extreme that they need serious thought and honest answers from you - to yourself.

You know that asking him back, is showing weakness first. But after that, you will not be allowed the privilege of any further weaknesses. He does not believe in 'sickness or health' or any other vows. He has and always will demand total perfection. You will drive yourself silly trying to meet his demands and wind up a total wreck before 2 more years are up. He will also see your attempt at independence or strength as defiance - which will not suit him either. Honey, honestly the woman for him has not been cloned yet.

It may seem as if I am painting a bleak picture, but you've read enough from me to know that I don't do this frivolously or without thought and I certainly don't use bandaides just to up my post count.

This is just the way I perceive the path this will take you if you give in to your current confusion and loneliness.

I'm 57 years old and dying of cancer within the year - so I don't waste my time with anything I don't want to do - and that includes reading and answering posts here on AMHD because this site and you people mean a heck of a lot to me. You are my cyber-family and I sincerely care about you and will not mince words to placate.

It's your choice on how you live your life, I just show you an outside view of how it could be. But the final decision is your's and I will support you no matter what.

You deserve and have the right to be happy and if you think he's the one, then do what you think you feel is right. I could be wrong in this, and things could work out wonderfully, but from what I have read - it's not how I 'feel' about it.

All my love and encouragement goes out to you in your moments of pain at any time - I will be here to listen and support - and I'll never judge you. Only you know what you are willing and able to cope with in your life to be happy.

You can PM me or post here - I'll be here to cry or laugh with you when you need it.

Lots of Cyber-Hugs,

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Oh my God!! R u okay now ?!! :(

Hi Tiamo,

Thank you sweetie. I am trying... It is so hard, but I am really trying to be strong and not contact him. I miss him a whole lot though.

Starlite my dear. Can you honestly feel totally at ease with this man? Can you ever get that wonderfully tingly feeling in his arms knowing that the only way you'll wind up getting there is to compromise and beg?
We know that he wants a ready made bed, a 'Stepford' wife with no problems, but can you always be on your toes to be able to deliver what he expects?

A lot of questions, huh, but these are of such extreme that they need serious thought and honest answers from you - to yourself.

You know that asking him back, is showing weakness first. But after that, you will not be allowed the privilege of any further weaknesses. He does not believe in 'sickness or health' or any other vows. He has and always will demand total perfection. You will drive yourself silly trying to meet his demands and wind up a total wreck before 2 more years are up. He will also see your attempt at independence or strength as defiance - which will not suit him either. Honey, honestly the woman for him has not been cloned yet.

It may seem as if I am painting a bleak picture, but you've read enough from me to know that I don't do this frivolously or without thought and I certainly don't use bandaides just to up my post count.

This is just the way I perceive the path this will take you if you give in to your current confusion and loneliness.

I'm 57 years old and dying of cancer within the year - so I don't waste my time with anything I don't want to do - and that includes reading and answering posts here on AMHD because this site and you people mean a heck of a lot to me. You are my cyber-family and I sincerely care about you and will not mince words to placate.

It's your choice on how you live your life, I just show you an outside view of how it could be. But the final decision is your's and I will support you no matter what.

You deserve and have the right to be happy and if you think he's the one, then do what you think you feel is right. I could be wrong in this, and things could work out wonderfully, but from what I have read - it's not how I 'feel' about it.

All my love and encouragement goes out to you in your moments of pain at any time - I will be here to listen and support - and I'll never judge you. Only you know what you are willing and able to cope with in your life to be happy.

You can PM me or post here - I'll be here to cry or laugh with you when you need it.

Lots of Cyber-Hugs,

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi Chery,

You are so wonderful, and I appreciate a understand everything you stated. I just wish I could (or even better, God could) get him to realize the love that I have for him is so genuine, and that he realizes that the issues that he has are what caused me to say what I said. Honestly, even though I am not a religious person, I pray to God that he shows my ex the light.

I am so, so terrebly sorry for your diagnosis/prognosis with cancer. My God, you are such a beautiful person, and you do not derserve this. Please know that we are all here for you, and Yes, we are your extended family. We are all here for you as well, Chery. You are in my prayers, sweet lady. I am sending you lots of hugs and kisses too.

Hi Tiamo,

Thank you sweetie. I am trying...It is so hard, but I am really trying to be strong and not contact him. I miss him a whole lot though.


Lets just support each other, I've been through a bad experience too, and its not the first bad experience as well, but to be honest, it was the hardest :)

Hi Tiamo,

Absolutely! And I know how you feel. We all go through breakups, but of course this is always one (hopefully no more than that) which really hearts us the most. And, because of the intense hurt that we feel, that means that we know how to love.

By the way, I just sent him a text. I broke my NC. (I haven't gotten a response yet) I know it was most likely really dumb of me, but I did it...

Don't give yourself such a hard time you are trying to reach out to him as you think he is the one that can solve all your problems right now and make all the hurt go away but... even if he does answer there are deep issues that haven't been resolved and you don't know if they ever can be given your past experiences with him. It's hard to miss him especially when you have the depth of feelings for him that you obviously have. Try to be strong and not get too upset if he doesn't reply.

STAR you were doing so good... what happened?.
Just be strong.. you may not get a response you'll like(if you get a response at all).. but try to keep NC.. anyways we're here when you need us

STAR you were doing soo good...what happened??...
Just be strong..you may not get a response you'll like(if you get a response at all)..but try to keep NC..anyways we're here when you need us

Thank you Damaged, you are all the best, and truly are my saving grace. I know I screwed my NC up... hopefully it will be positive though, but I have to be strong.. regardless.

How are you doing today?

Today has been a good day... so far so good...
Remember regardless of what happens you got to be strong

Thank you. I may ask all of you for a tissue just in case... or a kick in the a$$, or both :rolleyes:

By the way, I just sent him a text. I broke my NC. (I haven't gotten a response yet) I know it was most likely really dumb of me, but I did it...
Karen, don't make me come over there..
http://www.terribad.org/images/colbert.jpg

Karen, don't make me come over there....!
http://www.terribad.org/images/colbert.jpg

LOL!! JB you are great! And I love Stephen Colbert!

Lol... you guys are too much :D

Thank you. I may ask all of you for a tissue just in case...or a kick in the a$$, or both :rolleyes:
I don't kick any more, but I have loads of tissues and lots and lots of Virtual Hugs available 24/7.

So, you had a weak moment, no biggy, it will give you insight one way or the other as to what next step to take. You're only human and we do tend to grab at straws. Ahh, emotions versus animal instinct, that's what distinguishes us from all other species.

We are here for you hon.

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Thank you Chery, Thank you everyone..

Well, It's 8:23 pm est Tues. night, and I didn't get a response from my ex. I am heart broken, but it's my own fault. Well, I guess he didn't change at all. I hope I do.

Hi Tiamo,

Absolutly! And I know how you feel. We all go through breakups, but of course this is always one (hopefully no more than that) which really hearts us the most. And, because of the intense hurt that we feel, that means that we know how to love.


Why did u send a text message, just don't! :eek:

Hi Tiamo,

I know, I caved. But... he called last night, and we had a very nice, light conversation (not about us persay or the relationship), and he still wants me to come to the concert it just depends on his work schedule because he is a consultant and is in another state at the moment for work. But he said he will juggle the time and see if he can work from home then. We shall see... It was just beautiful to talk to him... so we shall see... (he did say 'I love you' before ending the call)

Hi Tiamo,

I know, I caved. But...he called last night, and we had a very nice, light conversation (not about us persay or the relationship), and he still wants me to come to the concert it just depends on his work schedule because he is a consultant and is in another state at the moment for work. But he said he will juggle the time and see if he can work from home then. We shall see... It was just beautiful to talk to him...so we shall see....(he did say 'I love you' before ending the call)


What kind of "I LOVE U" does it sound like? u need to know! Okay hunni becareful this time, don't rush for your own good :)

Hi sweet, Tiamokiss is right in suggesting you be cautious.
If and when he does come around, please try your very best to keep it platonic (easier said than done, I know), but you also know that he will probably 'jump' any chance he gets and then go on his way without a second thought - until next time he needs a 'free ride' and does not want to waste time in the preliminaries.

Again, you know I don't paint fantasies, just like I see it, BUT will be here if you 'couldn't help yourself' again, as in the past. Men do count on their magnatism and skills to get what they want.

Be careful.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

What kind of "I LOVE U" does it sound like?, u need to know!! okay hunni becareful this time, don't rush for ur own good :)

Thank you Tiamo and Chery,

He sounded geniune, but, I am still going to be real cautious. I would LOVE to get back with him, but if I do go there for the concert, I am going to play cool, and if and when the moment is right, and I feel that he also wants to talk (like a signal, a segway) I am going to lay it all out...

The question I have now is how do I talk with him without sounding needy or pushy?

He sounds rather mean to me. I feel for you though as a broken heart is one of the hardest things there is to bear.

He sounds rather mean to me. I feel for you though as a broken heart is one of the hardest things there is to bear.

Hi F104,

Thank you very much. He can be, that is for sure. I don't think he even realizes it though. That is the sad part... It is so, so hard... and I have put my heart and soul into this relationship and into him...

Thank you Tiamo and Chery,

He sounded geniune, but, I am still going to be real cautious. I would LOVE to get back with him, but if I do go there for the concert, I am going to play cool, and if and when the moment is right, and I feel that he also wants to talk (like a signal, a segway) I am going to lay it all out...

The question I have now is how do I talk with him without sounding needy or pushy?
It's in the attitude and appearance.. so, what are you going to wear, and what are you going to say?

Try it out here and pretend you're giving someone else the same advice..

We are a good sounding board. So, go for it..

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)Your first question to yourself could be: 'what's in it for ME?'

All due respect, but do yo actually think you can change him into what you want?? I think he has laid it out what he wants.

Just be careful Starlite1. It would be horrible to have to start the NC process again. I know how it is to want an ex back in one's life. Twice in my life I have pined for 2 ex's for more than 10 years. I know that is extreme but I put my life on hold for those two women and to no avail. I will not do that again.

The more I read the comments by posts such as yourself Starlite1 and others the more confident I feel that I do not need my latest ex in my life. Granted I only feel that way sometimes but at least I am starting to feel that way.

Starlite1 you sound like a great person. I just hope you do not get hurt by this man anymore than already have been. Take care, F104.

I agree with TAL.Do you think you can change him into what you want?.
He doesn't see a need to change because he always gets what he wants from you regardles of his attitude or behavior, so why would he change?.

I still think you're better off w/out him.. I know for sure there's someone so much better out there that deserves your love..

It's in the attitude and appearance.. so, what are you going to wear, and what are you going to say?

Try it out here and pretend you're giving someone else the same advice..

We are a good sounding board. So, go for it..

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)Your first question to yourself could be: 'what's in it for ME?'

Hi Chery,

Thank you so much. That is a great idea. I will definatley let you guys know what I am thinking about wearing, and what I will say... I would love all of your feedback. Thank you with all of my heart.

All due respect, but do yo actually think you can change him into what you want??? I think he has laid it out what he wants.

Hi Tal,

It's not that I want to change him persay, I love who his (I know this sounds kind of contradictory), but I really want him to see what I said what I said, and why I broke up. Not that I want to punish him, not at all. But for him to recognize that his yo-yoing behavior really, really hurts, and has me nervous and feeling not very secure sometimes in the relationship. I want him to realize that relationships are not fantasies. For the most part, of course relationships have euphoric impacts, which is beautiful, but, there are ups and downs sometimes, or can be, and that they need to be worked out together, not run away. I hope I made sense with this ;)

Just be careful Starlite1. It would be horrible to have to start the NC process again. I know how it is to want an ex back in one's life. Twice in my life I have pined for 2 ex's for more than 10 years. I know that is extreme but I put my life on hold for those two women and to no avail. I will not do that again.

The more I read the comments by posts such as yourself Starlite1 and others the more confident I feel that I do not need my latest ex in my life. Granted I only feel that way sometimes but at least I am starting to feel that way.

Starlite1 you sound like a great person. I just hope you do not get hurt by this man anymore than already have been. Take care, F104.

Thank you F104. That means a lot to me :) I really hope this works out too, I don't want to hurt anymore...

i agree with TAL.Do you think you can change him into what you want??..
He doesn't see a need to change bc he always gets what he wants from you regardles of his attitude or behavior, so why would he change??...

I still think you're better off w/out him..I know for sure there's someone soo much better out there that deserves your love..

Hi Damaged,

Thank you so much, sweetie. I guess either I'm dedicated or stupid (or both).

No... not stupid.. You're just in love!. I understand really, I do... but sometimes you are too close to see things for what they are, so its always good an outsider's opinion.. we(outsiders) are less attached to the situation so sometimes we see clearer..

no...not stupid..You're just in love!!..i understand really, i do...but sometimes you are too close to see things for what they are, so its always good an outsider's opinion..we(outsiders) are less attached to the situation so sometimes we see clearer..

That is so true, my friend. I get so blind sometimes because of my love for him. I can't tell you enough how much I love all of you and appreciate all of your insight and support. You guys are truly the best!

Ah starlite it's a two way street. Your advice and suggestions are really helpful.

Hi honey, just checking in..

How was your weekend?

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi honey, just checking in..

How was your weekend?

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi Chery,

You are a sweetheart, thank you so much. I was okay. I am feeling a bit down. I thought about him so much this weekend (and still am). I can't wait to see him in July, and I hope that when I talk with him when there it has a positive outcome. I know him very well, and I have a feeling that he is going to say 'I'll think about it' when I state that I would love to get back together. But, when I do talk with him, I am going to say that the reason why I broke it off and said that I couldn't marry him/move there, etc was because of cold feet and the fact that the yo-yoing in the past really hurt me so much that I don't want it to happen again. Of course I could move down there, marry him, etc, but he needs to understand that no relationships are perfect nor are people. I don't want to come off mean at all to him, and I didn't mean to hurt him or break his heart. I want him back so badly, but I want to know that in the relationship, down the road if issues arise, no matter how big or small, that we work on them together, and that his 'fantasy picture of the perfect relationship' doesn't cloud his vision and then he runs away (either emotionally or physically or both). But in the past when I try and get him back (and he was the one who broke up with me), I would talk to him, and I would get 'I'll think about it', then the answer was 'no' then months and months later, he comes back...

Any advise on how to get through to him?

Thank you my dear. And how are you feeling? How was your weekend? How is that sweet kitty cat of yours?

Hey...
Long time no see!. lol...
How's everyone doing??
How's everything star?

Hey Girl!

Nah, same ol, same ol. Still feeling kind of down... How are you? What did you do this weekend? How are you feeling?

Hey... same herre... same ol same ol.. this weekend I worked my butt off.. lol... Im feeling good!. Tired but w.e..

hey...same herre...same ol same ol..this weekend i worked my butt off..lol...Im feeling good!!!..Tired but w.e..

Good for you! I am glad you are feeling better :D I cannot get motivated at all today (typical Monday). I'm at work, and I doing what I need to do, but still :p

Yea.. me 2... im half asleep.. hate coming to work on mondays... lol... they suck!

yea..me 2...im half asleep..hate coming to work on mondays...lol...they suck!

Oh Yeah, big time! LOL!

Keep going Star, your doing well!

I think that you need to take time to work on yourself first. You sound insecure and relying on a man to fulfill your complete happiness is the wrong concept of marriage. Even when you are married, you need different identities. You said you are "pining" after him. Stop the pining, take control of your life and move on. A toxic relationship is not worth saving.

I think that you need to take time to work on yourself first. You sound insecure and relying on a man to fulfill your complete happiness is the wrong concept of marriage. Even when you are married, you need different identities. You said you are "pining" after him. Stop the pining, take control of your life and move on. A toxic relationship is not worth saving.

Hi Ways,

You are right. I do have insecurities. I have come along way over the years with them. It's not that I am relying on him for me to be happy. I didn't mean my post to come off that way. Because I love this man so much, and I love being with him as a couple, I really want things to work out between us. Granted, we both have our quirks, but that doesn't mean we cannot work through it, and that is what I would like him to see.


keep going Star, your doing well!

Thank you JPM, I am sure trying, it is really difficult at times though. :(

I didn't mean to hurt him or break his heart. I want him back so badly, but I want to know that in the relationship, down the road if issues arise, no matter how big or small, that we work on them together, and that his 'fantasy picture of the perfect relationship' doesn't cloud his vision and then he runs away (either emotionally or physically or both). But in the past when i try and get him back (and he was the one who broke up with me), I would talk to him, and I would get 'I'll think about it', then the answer was 'no' then months and months later, he comes back...

Any advise on how to get through to him?

My weekend was great, thanks. I gave Alexander his toys that I finally got assembled. A bike, trike and rocking horse... so we had a lot to do. The night before, I was actually out with other people from 7 PM to 5:30AM - boy was that exhausting but fun too - a B-day party.

How to get through to him?. tell him exactly what you've been telling us here - that you got cold feet and that you hope he does not expect total perfection. It's better than staying in the gray zone for the rest of your life, and who knows, he might understand and all will be fine. If not, then you can at least stop the 'what if' in your life and move on the 'from now on' stage. Fear of the unknown causes stress, so you need to make a choice and move on it.

Good luck dear. You still have a while to psych yourself up no matter what his answer.

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Congratulations! You should be throwing yourself a party. Think of the time, energy and youth you AREN'T going to waste on this guy.

I read through your long speech and noticed you don't have a very good opinion of yourself, and that transfers to what other people think of you, and the type of people that are attracted to you.

If you think you are a victim, you are. If you think you are a victim, other people think so too. And some of those other people prey on victims. Kind of like energy-vampires. They will suck you dry.

Get some counseling, you don't respect yourself and you let other people disrespect you. Ask yourself why you would even want to be with this jerk?? Why? Are you so desperate to be with someone that you would disrespect yourself enough to want him?

Learn to like being with yourself, doing things with yourself before you try dating again. It is a process, but it's the only way to happiness

My weekend was great, thanks. I gave Alexander his toys that I finally got assembled. A bike, trike and rocking horse... so we had a lot to do. The night before, I was actually out with other people from 7 PM to 5:30AM - boy was that exhausting but fun too - a B-day party.

How to get through to him?.... tell him exactly what you've been telling us here - that you got cold feet and that you hope he does not expect total perfection. It's better than staying in the gray zone for the rest of your life, and who knows, he might understand and all will be fine. If not, then you can at least stop the 'what if' in your life and move on the the 'from now on' stage. Fear of the unknown causes stress, so you need to make a choice and move on it.

Good luck dear. You still have a while to psych yourself up no matter what his answer.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi Chery,

That is awesome! I am glad you had fun :) . And I am so glad that Alexander liked his toys. He must have been so excited!

Thank you so much for your kindness and advise Chery. I will absolutely be totally upfront with him and hopefully he will understand and want to really work this out.

Thank you again! :)

congratulations! You should be throwing yourself a party. Think of the time, energy and youth you AREN'T going to waste on this guy.

I read through your long speech and noticed you don't have a very good opinion of yourself, and that transfers to what other people think of you, and the type of people that are attracted to you.

If you think you are a victim, you are. If you think you are a victim, other people think so too. And some of those other people prey on victims. Kinda like energy-vampires. They will suck you dry.

Get some counseling, you don't respect yourself and you let other people disrespect you. Ask yourself why you would even want to be with this jerk??? why?? are you so desperate to be with someone that you would disrespect yourself enough to want him?

Learn to like being with yourself, doing things with yourself before you try dating again. It is a process, but it's the only way to happiness

Hi Frustrated,

Thank you so much and you are right. I have a very low self esteem. I have been to many counselors and they have helped to a certain degree, but honestly? What is helping me most is when I found this site. All of you are so wonderful, and you have been so supportive. Thank you!

As for me and my ex, yes, he can be a bit of a jerk. That is why I stepped up this time and said what I said. I really hope it will sink in, but I know that I need to be happy with myself, otherwise any relationship could crumble, and then where am I? I need to be happy no matter what happens. Thank you!

Hi Everyone,

Well, by now you I'm sure you all know me and my whole situation with my ex. My original post is here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/hi-everyone-could-really-use-your-advice-220361.html

Well, I have decided to go to Georgia to visit him and go the concert in July. We talked last week (not about us persay) but just idle chit chat and it was nice.
When I get there in July, of course I want to talk with him and ask him if we can get back together, but in the same conversation, I want to explain to him why I froze and broke up with him (because of his yo-yoing in the past, etc). I want to express myself to him that won't scare him off, but by the same token, I want to let him know that I do want to be in a committed relationship with him, like we planned before I broke up (move there, get married, children, etc). But, a week after the breakup, (the weekend we were supposed to go to Las Vegas), we talked and he said he wants to be friends, and he loves me and always will. I told him "You've always had my friendship baby, and you always will. I love you too". Well, don't get me wrong here, I do love being friends with him, of course, but I want to be more (of course :p ). I know he loves me, but he said that he loves all of his friends, male and female, which is great. But, I want to be loved by him more than that...

Okay, fast forward a month, last week to be exact - we spoke on the phone, and when we ended the conversation, he said 'I love you, and I said I love you, back, and we both blew each other a kiss. Of course I melted, and was so happy, which I still am.

I ask all of you, when I get down there in a few weeks, how do I handle things, how do I talk to him about 'us' again? I'm sure he is still hurt about what happened, and I truly didn't want to do that, but I felt I had too at that juncture. How do I get through to him, and hopefully get him back at the same time? (I don't want to change him, I want him to realize and hopefully get why I did what I did, and would love him to be on board with us). Also, do you think he still loves me more than friends (as someone he still would want to spend his life with), or only as friends?

Thanks guys.
Karen

I guess to put your mind at ease you need explain everthing you stated above and be open for any ending. It seems like he' interested in being more than friends but only he knows that. He might be cautious because of how things ended but you never know so I'l express my feelings toward him.

Me and my ex got back together but broke up mainly due to his insecurities that he now seeking help for and we both are seeing a relationship counselor, which all my friends thought was stupid, but it really helped us alot.

I hope everything work out for you and you get the outcome you want. If your do get back together take things slow, but at a reasonable paste. He might have alot of question/worries about you so be ready to answer anything. Only two things could happen your get back together or remains friends.

Good Luck!

Hi Liz,

Thank you so much. I am so happy for you and your boyfriend. I think it is great that you are both going to a counselor as well. I wish you all the best. :)

Hi Guys,

I started another topic for this particular situation, but something is wrong with it. I received on answer so far, but it isn't showing the poster's original answer, just my response. So I am adding on this this one. I'm sorry to be so redundant.

Well, I have decided to go to Georgia to visit him and go the concert in July. We talked last week (not about us persay) but just idle chit chat and it was nice.
When I get there in July, of course I want to talk with him and ask him if we can get back together, but in the same conversation, I want to explain to him why I froze and broke up with him (because of his yo-yoing in the past, etc). I want to express myself to him that won't scare him off, but by the same token, I want to let him know that I do want to be in a committed relationship with him, like we planned before I broke up (move there, get married, children, etc). But, a week after the breakup, (the weekend we were supposed to go to Las Vegas), we talked and he said he wants to be friends, and he loves me and always will. I told him "You've always had my friendship baby, and you always will. I love you too". Well, don't get me wrong here, I do love being friends with him, of course, but I want to be more (of course ). I know he loves me, but he said that he loves all of his friends, male and female, which is great. But, I want to be loved by him more than that...

Okay, fast forward a month, last week to be exact - we spoke on the phone, and when we ended the conversation, he said 'I love you, and I said I love you, back, and we both blew each other a kiss. Of course I melted, and was so happy, which I still am.

I ask all of you, when I get down there in a few weeks, how do I handle things, how do I talk to him about 'us' again? I'm sure he is still hurt about what happened, and I truly didn't want to do that, but I felt I had too at that juncture. How do I get through to him, and hopefully get him back at the same time? (I don't want to change him, I want him to realize and hopefully get why I did what I did, and would love him to be on board with us). Also, do you think he still loves me more than friends (as someone he still would want to spend his life with), or only as friends?

Thanks guys.
Karen

Thank you so much and you are right. I have a very low self esteem. I have been to many counselors and they have helped to a certain degree, but honestly? What is helping me most is when I found this site. All of you are so wonderful, and you have been so supportive. Thank you!

I have found in my experience that counselors don't really work that well for me. What people are basically paying for I think is to be able to vent for 45 min about yourself in a non-judgmental environment. You feel better shortly thereafter, but then later that evening, you feel the same. For dealing with short term problems, maybe something like this message board is probably better, I don't know.

I'm want to ask you, because I read this entire post and should have before answering your other question, do you truly want to be with this guy or is it because you don't want to start over? Just curious, if it sounds rude or harsh, it was not intended to be that way.

I'm want to ask you, because I read this entire post and should have befor answering your other question, do you truly want to be with this guy or is it because you dont want to start over? Just curious, if it sounds rude or harsh, it was not intended to be that way.

Hi Liz,

You are not being rude at all :). In fact that is an excellent question! I don't mind starting over with someone, the fact is, I don't want to. I really want him. Between our breakups in the past (not this most recent one), I have dated a few people who were really nice, but they weren't my ex. I can't explain it. I just really love this man.

Make sure that he's willing to make some changes too and not only you. To see everything clearer make a pro and con list and if your do get back together work on the things that needs improvement. It might take time and start over. Just consider all your options and if your get back and there no change leave permanently. Make sure he's really what you want because people can change or not change.

I reposted the my reply to this question:
Guess to put your mind at ease you need explain everything you stated above and be open for any ending. It seems like he' interested in being more than friends but only he knows that. He might be cautious because of how things ended but you never know so I'l express my feelings toward him.

Me and my ex got back together but broke up mainly due to his insecurities that he now seeking help for and we both are seeing a relationship counselor, which all my friends thought was stupid, but it really helped us a lot.

I hope everything work out for you and you get the outcome you want. If your do get back together take things slow, but at a reasonable paste. He might have a lot of question/worries about you so be ready to answer anything. Only two things could happen your get back together or remains friends.

Good Luck!

Make sure you explain all your expectations, and care enough about yourself, as you do him. His pain is no more important than yours. If he is not willing to communicate, and work with you on this relationship, then he doesn't want it as much as you do. Make a good decision for yourself, and your future, and know there are no easy quick fixes, but there is your own happiness, with or without him.

Also know we are 100% behind you no matter the outcome. Best of luck!

Make sure you explain all your expectations, and care enough about yourself, as you do him. His pain is no more important than yours. If he is not willing to communicate, and work with you on this relationship, then he doesn't want it as much as you do. Make a good decision for yourself, and your future, and know there are no easy quick fixes, but there is your own happiness, with or without him.

Also know we are 100% behind you no matter the outcome. Best of luck!

Hi Tal,

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I really hope the outcome is positive. I know because of the past behavior, it doesn't sound like the most attractive relationship, but I know, and I do have faith that we can work things out, and have a happy life together. I hope that I am not the only one in this relationship that sees/feels this. That is my fear, that he might not see that as I do.

All the best Starlite I hope it works out for you.

All the best Starlite I hope it works out for you.

Hi F104,

Thank you so much. I really hope so too! I hope he is receptive, and wants to really work things out.

There are no guarantees in life honey. We can only do our best to work for our happiness and partnerships.
Do continue to be honest with yourself and up-front with him. What his response will be is in his control only, depending on how he feels. Either way, you need reassurance one way or the other and your plan is as good as what anyone else would suggest.

As Talaniman said, you know we will be here for you 100% - you have to do all the work though.

Good luck, and enjoy the concert and the company.

We all have fears to face up to for peace of mind - that's life. You'll do just fine.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

There are no guarantees in life honey. We can only do our best to work for our happiness and partnerships.
Do continue to be honest with yourself and up-front with him. What his response will be is in his control only, depending on how he feels. Either way, you need reassurance one way or the other and your plan is as good as what anyone else would suggest.

As Talaniman said, you know we will be here for you 100% - you have to do all the work though.

Good luck, and enjoy the concert and the company.

We all have fears to face up to for peace of mind - that's life. You'll do just fine.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi Chery,

Thank you so much. You are all so wonderful, and you are right. I just have to be up front, honest, and let him know how I feel about him, us, my needs, his needs, and hopefully he will be open and receptive. I will keep you all updated. Thank you all for always being there for me :) I wish there was a magic phrase (in addition to my honestly and love) that would help. But, of course there isn't LOL! I just have to trust my heart, our love, God and universe that everything will work out.

Hi Guys,

I really would like to send him a text today, but I don't want to come off too needy, or pushy. Just to let him know that I can't wait to see him, I can't wait for the concert, and I am thinking of him. (Being that you have read my posts and see how he is, how should I best word this).

Any ideas would be so appreciative.

Hi starlite I hope your doing well. When was the last time you had contact with him? I would not contact him too often. Let him think a little. Give him a chance to respond I guess.

I too maybe meeting my ex next week. I plan on being up front with her and telling her what I feel and would like out of a relationship with her. If she is not receptive then I will probably cut ties with her totally. I don't want to waste time pursuing a lost cause. I am trying not to contact my ex again until Tuesday/Wednesday. I do not want to seem needy or desperate. Also when I contact I ensure that the conversation is primarily about her and not me. Although I make sure to tell her about the positive things I am doing.

Hi starlite I hope your doing well. When was the last time you had contact with him? I would not contact him too often. Let him think a little. Give him a chance to respond I guess.

I too maybe meeting my ex next week. I plan on being up front with her and telling her what I feel and would like out of a relationship with her. If she is not receptive then I will probably cut ties with her totally. I don't want to waste time pursuing a lost cause. I am trying not to contact my ex again until Tuesday/Wednesday. I do not want to seem needy or desperate. Also when I contact I ensure that the conversation is primarily about her and not me. Although I make sure to tell her about the positive things I am doing.

Hi F104,

That is so great! Let her know how you feel, and that you would like to work things out. If there is anything that you are concerned with, of course, that needs to be descussed as well. You want to get everything out in the open, and then if she is receptive to getting back together, GO FOR IT! Good luck, and keep us posted :)

I spoke to him last week (a little over a full week ago). Do you think it's too soon to contact him? I did book my flight for July to go to the concert, and I told him that last week, so we are on for the concert. But, I haven't heard from him since that.

I would contact him since it has been over a week. But I think I would be more inclined to call him if I were you. Texting is fine but due to the length of time I would call him. Have you thought about asking him to call you every now and then? It seems that would be fair.

Oh yes I am totally laying it all out on the table when I see her.

Thanks F104,

Actually when we left off last week, after we said 'I love you' we said 'talk to you later'. That next day I got a text from him telling me that he may want to go back to his old company, and that he was first on the list of going back there. I texed back saying 'Good For you, that is excellent' and that was the last communication. So you feel a call is better than a text for me to give at this point?

Star I would. I do not see why that would be extravagant. If anything you are only reinforcing your earlier text. Could always show interest about how and why he has this new opportunity. Normal stroke the ego thing.

Star I would. I do not see why that would be extravagant. If anything you are only reinforcing your earlier text. Could always show interest about how and why he has this new opportunity. Normal stroke the ego thing.

Thanks F104,

That makes sense! I appreciate your advice!

Hi Guys,

I sent him a text last night (I was going to call, but decided to text instead). I just kept it light and said 'Just saying hi and seeing how you are doing. I am looking forward to seeing you! I will talk to you later! :-) ) But, I haven't gotten any response. (It's now Monday late morning). Should I be concerned?

Hi Starlite sounds like you and I are at the opposite ends of the same boat. I sent Kari a text Saturday night and I have not heard anything back either. I am concerned. I do not know if you should be or not. I will say that I do have a habit of jumping to the worst case scenario. Do you?

Hi Starlite sounds like you and I are at the opposite ends of the same boat. I sent Kari a text Saturday night and I have not heard anything back either. I am concerned. I do not know if you should be or not. I will say that I do have a habit of jumping to the worst case scenario. Do you?

Hi F104,

Oh yes, I do that as well. I know you and I are going through similar situations too, you are seeing your ex next week, and I am seeing mine in about 2 weeks. It is so hard, I love Eric more than anything, and I wish he would reach out, and stop playing games

Starlite I feel the same way about k too. I would be over the moon if she just sent me a text. I just do not know what to do. It's crazy I even went to a psychic lol. I trying to think of any reason I can to call her. Part of me says I don't care about NC. I do not care if she thinks I am needy. I just want to be with her more than anything. I am so not interested in anybody else.

Starlite I really hope things work out for you I really do.

Starlite I feel the same way about k too. I would be over the moon if she just sent me a text. I just do not know what to do. It's crazy I even went to a psychic lol. I trying to think of any reason I can to call her. Part of me says I don't care about NC. I do not care if she thinks I am needy. I just want to be with her more than anything. I am so not interested in anybody esle.

Starlite I really hope things work out for you I really do.

Hi F104,

A psychic! So did I! LOL! If you don't mind my asking, did your psychic provide good knowledge (positive outcome, where they true in there findings?)

I hope things work out for you too, F104.

No way! Yes she was positive about the whole thing. What about you? She seemed accurate to me but we shall see.

He was on big time! And he said that E and I will reconcile too, but I have to relax. He said that by me obsessing, it pushes the energy in the other direction, and hinders the time frame (he didn't provide definite time lines, but he was really on). He told me a lot about myself too, and wow! Was he right LOL! You are right, we shall see!

That is interesting. The psychic I saw told me the same thing. She also said I had to think positively about the whole thing or I would just push her away. It is so hard! The psychic told me I would see her in about 3 weeks which was almost 2 weeks ago and that K and I would talk things over and try again. I actually have the whole thing on tape.

That is amazing! Have you ever spoken to this psychic before? I've known mine for almost 3 years.

No I never have. I hope she is right. If things pan out with Kari I will definitely speak with that psychic again though. I went to a friend's graduation party and it was a psychic party. It was cool.

How did you meet the psychic you are seeing? Does Eric know you visit a psychic?

Back in 2005, I went to a street fair with my parents (after the first breakup with Eric), and we were getting ready to leave, when I saw this beautiful store (insense, crystals, etc), and outside was sign for psychic readings. So, I booked a 15 minute reading right then and there (my parents were ready to leave so they did), and I spoke with this psychic. He was great! So, for the past 3 years, this poor psychic has been dealing with me and my relationship with Eric. Eric doesn't know. He has become a friend of mine, which is really cool, too. His shop isn't far from me, but he does phone readings as well, so every so often I will call him and have a phone reading. He is really great, and has clients all over the world.

Hmm phone readings you say. I should call him

My psychic does phone readings too.

Actually I have an appointment with her today at 1 pm

That is not a bad idea. I will e-mail you the store number (His hours are Thurs. Friday, Sat, Sunday) I will also e-mail you his website. He may do readings when not in the store. Tell him you are friends with me (Karen) and how we met. I will send you a pm of his information. You will love him. He is a super nice guy, too!

My psychic does phone readings too.

Does she? Cool, let me know her info!

Will do.

Thank you! I just sent you a message with the info.

Will do.

One more thing. Did you have to provide details about your situation?

I think this is the best thing that ever happened to you. It is best he "be gone." He apparently is not ready for marriage and still does not know what he wants. Who ever hears about a "trouble free," relationship. That does not exists. I have been married for 23 years and there is always trouble. Every relationship is a work in progress. I think you are better off without him. You will be thankful in a few months. Let him go his way. Don't try to rekindle this. He is looking for a non-committed relationship. Don't even think of going to live with him. He will have his "cake and eat it too." You need to develop self confidence. It seems as if you lost that from your first marriage. You got with this guy on the rebound and that is what he is - a rebound. There are many great guys out there, believe me. This one is not for you. I usually try to give advise to make up, but this one isn't promising at all. It spells trouble all over it. Time will heal your hurt. Find things to do that make you feel good about yourself. Find friends that you can cherish and who will accept you for who you are. You deserve better.

I think this is the best thing that ever happened to you. It is best he "be gone." He apparently is not ready for marriage and still does not know what he wants. Who ever hears about a "trouble free," relationship. That does not exists. I have been married for 23 years and there is always trouble. Every relationship is a work in progress. I think you are better off without him. You will be thankful in a few months. Let him go his way. Don't try to rekindle this. He is looking for a non-committed relationship. don't even think of going to live with him. he will have his "cake and eat it too." You need to develop self confidence. It seems as if you lost that from your first marriage. You got with this guy on the rebound and that is what he is - a rebound. There are many great guys out there, believe me. This one is not for you. I usually try to give advise to make up, but this one isn't promising at all. It spells trouble all over it. Time will heal your hurt. Find things to do that make you feel good about yourself. Find friends that you can cherish and who will accept you for who you are. You deserve better.

Hi Way,

The thing is, I am going to visit him in July for a concert that he had booked for us before we broke up. I want to have a heart to heart with him when I go. I know you are all right in what you say, that this relationship is better to be left alone, but I really do love this man. Is there any advise pertaining to this trip that you can give? I did speak to him two weeks ago, and we didn't talk about 'us' just how we are looking forward to the concert, etc. I text him this past Sunday, but no response. (I started another post: 'Starlite strikes again'. Thank you very much.

Karen, Karen, Karen...

Karen, Karen, Karen....

LOL!! I am at my desk cracking up! Thanks JB! And, honestly, I don't blame you! :D

Hi Starlite,
Hmmm! Personally, I think you still have your hopes up and that is why you are going to the concert, isn't it? Well, at least you both have some of the same interest. Is he paying your way from New York to Georgia? Not that this has any bearing on your relationship, but it will prove how badly he wants to see you or is he just going to the concert so he does not lose his money. I think if he is paying all the expenses, you can go, but make sure you either put some closure to this or get some good answers. Good luck.

He might confused with his emotions as well. I would call and if he don't answer, leave a message. See what his next move is then.

Hi Starlite,
Hmmm!! Personally, I think you still have your hopes up and that is why you are going to the concert, isn't it? Well, at least you both have some of the same interest. Is he paying your way from New York to Georgia? Not that this has any bearing on your relationship, but it will prove how badly he wants to see you or is he just going to the concert so he does not lose his money. I think if he is paying all the expenses, you can go, but make sure you either put some closure to this or get some good answers. Good luck.

Hi Ways,

I do still have my hopes up, I'll admit. I am actually paying for my own airfare. I would have anyway, even if we were still together. I am definatley going to have a talk with him to see if we can reconcile, but, the most important thing is that he has to realize that I am in it for the long haul, and that if issues arise in the relationship, we have to work on them as a team, and that him running away is not the answer. I hope he sees this, and I hope that he really does love me the way he always said he does, however, actions speak louder than words. I will keep you posted. Thanks Ways :)

Hi Liz,

I think you are right. Perhaps he is confused about everything, and/or busy with his work. I will wait a few days and then call him. I will keep the conversation light though.

Thanks guys.

Any more advise from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Any more advise from anyone would be greatly appreciated...
Zanex. Double prescription.

I have no more advice but worry that your happiness depends on some fool changing and understanding what you need. All he cares about is what he wants. Sorry to be so... gloomy. You seem to bring much to his table, and he doesn't even appreciate it.

Hope you enjoy the concert.

I think in every relationship each partner should be so much in tune with themselves that they don't have to depend on each other for total happiness. If you go into a relationship depending on someone else to make you happy, you are going to be disappointed and I think that is what is happening here with both of you.

You are all right. I don't know what to do. My God, why the heck am I doing this to myself. Like he is really going to realize why I said what I said, and that I am so hurt? Yeah right. Who the hell, besides myself am I kidding. He doesn't give a rat's a$$ about me. But, the part that really sucks is that I love him, I really do. WHY!?

Hi Starlite I feel your pain. It sounds like you are suffering significantly. I am not about to suggest what you should or should not do as I am in no position to tell you if you what you are doing makes sense or not. Hell you know my story! My ex even e-mailed me last night after I thought I had totally cut all ties. She agrees that breaking up "for now is probably best but there is no reason why we should not remain in contact" she says.

Whatever you decide I just hope you do not have to keep on hurting the way you are.

Perhaps cutting ties with your ex is the right thing I don't know. That is a choice you will make in time. Take care, f104.

Hi F104,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I don't really want to cut ties with Eric, I still am going to go to the concert, but, why the hell is he doing this? I still haven't gotten a response from my text that I sent him. I am relaxing as much as I can, and I trying to remain calm, but my God. Doesn't this man realize how much I love him? I know I can't make him change or see the light, and even though I am not the most religious person, I pray every morning to God that he would give Eric the strength to feel me, but most importantly that Eric feel the love that he has for me. I don't doubt that he loves me, but if he can truly act on it. Since the breakup, I have had opportunities to date other men, but, even if time has gone past (like last time - a year and a half), I want to be with Eric.

This could be a long shot but perhaps he never received the text. In the e-mail keri sent me last evening she told me her phone was not working. Her phone has been trashy for the last couple of months. Perhaps Eric has the same problem? You could e-mail him.

At least you have not acted rashly with him. I am now trying to see if I can salvage seeing keri this weekend.

Thank you F104. Perhaps he didn't receive it. I will either send another, or call him.

I hope you are able to see Keri this weekend. I know you were really looking forward to it. Good luck, F104. Keep us posted, okay?

I will indeed keep you posted. I think calling him or e-mailing him would be okay.

I will indeed keep you posted. I think calling him or e-mailing him would be okay.

Thanks sweetie. I just don't want to come off needy. Do you think he would take it this way?

I don't think it would come off needy but that may just be me.

Thanks sweetie. I just don't want to come off needy. Do you think he would take it this way?

He got it!!

He got it!!!

Hi Tal,

Yes, I know he did. He is being his usual self and this is the exact reason why I broke up with him, because even in the past (two times before this) when we were together, this is what he would do. Case and point. My God, why do I love this man so much? I am so depressed. This isn't normal behavior for a man is it? (I don't mean any disrespect, guys). Even if in the past I was a little needy and insecure, is this normal for him to act this way? Even from how I described in my main post?

My God, why do I love this man so much?
You don't love yourself enough, and want to be loved. Are you settling for less than what you deserve??

I am so depressed. This isn't normal behavior for a man is it? (I don't mean any disrespect, guys).
Not for a man that cares about his female.

Even if in the past I was a little needy and insecure, is this normal for him to act this way?
NO! Its not normal, as a man who cares would understand your need for ea assurance and be more than willing to give it.

Even from how I described in my main post?
Your whole post is about a caring, loving female, with a lot to offer, who needs a hug, and ain't getting it.

Hugs to you!

You don't love yourself enough, and want to be loved. Are you settling for less than what you deserve????

Not for a man that cares about his female.

NO!! Its not normal, as a man who cares would understand your need for ea assurance and be more than willing to give it.

Your whole post is about a caring, loving female, with a lot to offer, who needs a hug, and ain't getting it.

Hugs to you!

Thank you, Tal. You are the best :) I needed that hug. My God, this is so hard..

My God, this is so hard..

Its easier when you love yourself more than you do... him!

I honestly don't know how to do that. I know I have to for my own self, and I have been in therepy time and time again, but still, I don't know how. Even in the past, with all of my relationships, including when I was married, I made them all my world. It made me feel great to do that, but now look at what I am doing to myself, especially when a person you love so much (in this case, Eric (my ex), and they say they love you, want to marry you, want you to move there to be with them, I get cold feet, and WHAMMO, he turns off like a switch... just like when he did in the past when he broke up with me... I am insecure to begin with... but now, I totally feel like SH*&. I gave my heart and soul to this man, and I really thought he loved me more than this, I thought he would even fight a little to get me back... Stupid Girl... what the heck was I thinking?

Stop letting all of if be controlled in his hands.. this is why I told you to move on when I first posted to you weeks ago. You are still sitting here and letting his actions control your life. You freak if he doesn't respond to a text, you get in a tizzy if you don't think he isn't thinking of you, you still wonder if he cares. You waste time analyzing everything he says/doesn't say.. does/doesn't do.

If you would have spent these weeks and hours on yourself instead of still agonizing over this man who obviously does not love you (or he'd be trying) then you would be well on your way by now to caring about yourself, increasing your own self esteem, and realizing he should be the one sitting wondering why he let a great girl like you get away. Once you walked away and realized his loss, I can guarantee that you would feel better in time with your decision. You need to take you own power back, because you are letting one man's decision make or break every minute of every day and how you feel about yourself.

If that is love, then honey, I am not interested. No love I know works that way and when you see that for yourself, you will feel better. I promise. MOVE ON! It's not just the best advice, it really is the only advice in this situation.

Stop letting all of if be controlled in his hands..this is why I told you to move on when I first posted to you weeks ago. You are still sitting here and letting his actions control your life. You freak if he doesn't respond to a text, you get in a tizzy if you don't think he isn't thinking of you, you still wonder if he cares. You waste time analyzing everything he says/doesn't say..does/doesn't do.

If you would have spent these weeks and hours on yourself instead of still agonizing over this man who obviously does not love you (or he'd be trying) then you would be well on your way by now to caring about yourself, increasing your own self esteem, and realizing he should be the one sitting wondering why he let a great girl like you get away. Once you walked away and realized his loss, I can guarantee that you would feel better in time with your decision. You need to take you own power back, because you are letting one man's decision make or break every minute of every day and how you feel about yourself.

If that is love, then honey, I am not interested. No love I know works that way and when you see that for yourself, you will feel better. I promise. MOVE ON! It's not just the best advice, it really is the only advice in this situation.

Thanks Epiphany, you are right, you all are. For the past 4 years, I have known nothing but this man, and my mind, heart, and soul was all about him. I have to let him go... emotionally now.. it is breaking my heart, because I still love him and am still in love with him... that is the hardest part of letting him go... especially because I thought he felt the same way..

So you want to know how to love yourself eh? I can answer that, next time he pizzes you off, or does something to make you mad... let him have it with both barrels. You'll not only feel better, you'll enjoy expressing your anger outward instead of inward at yourself, filling you with self doubt and insecurities, and FEAR, of losing him.

Oh, its more effective with BOTH hands on your hips, and an evil look on your face. (ask me how I know!! )

Hi Tal,

LOL! Uh Oh! I guess you have had that happen to you ;)

I have raised my voice to him in the past, and looked dead into his eyes, and gave him hell, but, maybe 3 minutes later, I cried, apologized, etc. because I didn't want him to hate me, leave me, etc... Why? Why the hell am I so scared...

but, maybe 3 minutes later, I cried, apologized, etc. because I didn't want him to hate me, leave me, etc... Why? Why the hell am I so scared...

Because your to nice to people. Stay mad until they acknowledge you and if they don't... See ya, hate to be ya!! You don't need those folks in your life. You really do deserve better, and should make sure you get it. Don't let anyone wait you out, that's a sign you don't mean what you say, and will cave with the slightest resistance

Thank you, Tal. You are a sweetheart. I know that when I go to see him in July, I need to stand strong... and if I feel hurt, angry, etc, I need to express that, wholeheartedly, and not crack. I have to for my own sake at this point... And down the road, whether it's a relationship with him or anyone else, I have to stand up for myself if a situation arises that warrants it. That is the hard part... standing up for myself... and the other hard part is rejection if that does indeed happen...

There truly must be something wrong with him if he truly expects to find a relationship requiring no work. My advice? Find someone better who you KNOW you want to create your life with. Good luck and keep your head up. :)

Hi Love,

Thank you. You are right. But, I am so hung up on him, even if a better man came along, I wouldn't know him if he kicked me in the butt... I am so mentally attached to my ex... that is the messed up part... I have had opportunities to go out on dates with other men, and I want to, but then just as I'm about to accept, I back down.. because of my love and feelings for Eric

That is the hard part... standing up for myself... and the other hard part is rejection if that does indeed happen...

Yeah, your right, as the fear of being rejected, will make us do many things we may not normally do. Kissing a self centered bast@rds butt shouldn't be one of them though. Should it??


I back down.. because of my love and feelings for Eric

Not to second guess you at all, but is it love you feel for him that makes you his willing slave? (that really did hurt me to say) Don't you think that a love that makes you feel this way must be honestly evaluated? I guess Im trying to find out, if your in love with a person, or just an idea? If you reread all your posts you have made, would you see someone in love, or was afraid to be left alone??

What do you think I see, when I read those same posts??

Yeah, your right, as the fear of being rejected, will make us do many things we may not normally do. Kissing a self centered bast@rds butt shouldn't be one of them though. Should it???



Not to second guess you at all, but is it love you feel for him that makes you his willing slave? (that really did hurt me to say) Don't you think that a love that makes you feel this way must be honestly evaluated?? I guess Im trying to find out, if your in love with a person, or just an idea?? If you reread all your posts you have made, would you see someone in love, or was afraid to be left alone????

What do you think I see, when I read those same posts???

Hi Tal,

I definatley see where you are coming from. Honestly I pondered your question and honestly, I think it's both: being in love with him, and afraid of being alone. The thing is I have had opportunities to date other men, but, he is always right there in my mind, my heart, etc. Something else that comes to mind, when I first met Eric, we started as friends (we worked together at the same company, but different depts), then we developed into something much more. Eric was completely open with me, his feelings, his fears, he wasn't afraid to cry with me at all, and he said for the first time in his life, he was able to feel secure and not have a wall, and even encouraged me not to have a wall (I had one from past relationships, family stuff, etc). I saw and felt the most deep, intense man I have ever felt, and I felt as though he was the male version of me, and I the female version of him. I know this sounds kind of corny, but that is truly how I felt and still feel. Now, fast forward, the wall came back up after we got into our relationship (I still don't even know why). I guess I really feel even though he is has this wall, I saw the real Eric back then, he let me 'in', and I know he is still in there somewhere...

I figure this fellow has some good points, and I don't take you for a flighty confused female at all, but he has to do his part to nurture this along, or you will be giving, and he takes, and that's not healthy for a future.

I figure this fellow has some good points, and I don't take you for a flighty confused female at all, but he has to do his part to nurture this along, or you will be giving, and he takes, and thats not healthy for a future.

Thank you Tal, very much. That is the part that is killing me, 'Will he step up the plate to nurture this relationship along'? Does he want this as much as I do? He really seemed like he did, but then... I just don't know... how to get through to him...

Granted, I am not perfect, no way, I have my insecurities which can be hard to deal with at times, although I do try to keep myself in check, and have gotten better over the years, and I am also emotionally needy at times as well, but I feel I know how to love, respect, and honor someone (Eric in this case), and I take responsibility for my faults.

God, Tal, this is so hard...

Thank you Tal, very much. That is the part that is killing me, 'Will he step up the plate to nurture this relationship along'? Does he want this as much as I do? He really seemed like he did, but then... I just don't know... how to get through to him...


Sometimes we just have to be honest with ourselves, and accept that somewhere along the way, our dream partner has changed, and no longer wants what we want. That sucks, and bring chaos to our lives, when things use to be so simple.

Sometimes we just have to be honest with ourselves, and accept that somewhere along the way, our dream partner has changed, and no longer wants what we want. That sucks, and bring chaos to our lives, when things use to be so simple.

Thank you, Tal. You are so right my friend. He did call me on Friday, and we are still on for the concert. I am going to pull strength from God, you, and all of you here that have offered me support and guidance, and have a real heart to heart talk with him, and whatever the outcome, I have to be strong, and not sell myself short. I know I must...

You'll do fine, and don't forget to enjoy the concert!

All the best Star, I can't really offer anymore advice than that given.

Enjoy the concert and all the best,

JPM

X

You'll do fine, and don't forget to enjoy the concert!

Thank you so much, Tal. I will keep you posted. I don't leave until next Wed, but thank you for always being there for me :)

All the best Star, i can't really offer anymore advice than that given.

Enjoy the concert and all the best,

JPM

x

Hi JPM,

Thank you so much, sweetie. I will keep you posted. :)

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LOL!! JB, you are awesome! :) (And of course, as always, thank you, too ;) )

Hi Everyone,

Well, I went to Georgia this past week to see E and to go to the concert. The concert was amazing, we had a great time. During intermission, I said to him that I needed to talk with him (not at that moment, but at some point while I was there), and he said okay. The next morning I was sitting outside, he came out and joined me, and said 'what did you want to talk to me about'? I started by saying that I am sorry for breaking things off in May, but that isn't at all what I wanted to do. The reason why I did though was because I needed to take a couple of steps back, and I needed you to make sure that you really wanted me, and that I wasn't certain that you really were hearing my concerns (about him yo-yoing and the on again-off-again he did with me in the past). I told him that I do want a future with him, move there and, I do want to marry him (and yes, he really did return the ring back in May), but, I need him to really make sure that I am who he wants, and I also said that ALL relationships require work, and that I am willing to put my 100 % in to it, but I need to know that he is willing and prepared for that matter to do the same in return. I also made it known to him that I am fully aware that he does have a tendency to yo-yo emotionally, and that I realize he cannot change, and I either accept that, and if he does do that in the future, he will not leave me or cheat or anything, but that I will give him his space within the relationship, but point out his behavior if he does start acting like this. I also asked him to point out anything that bothers him about me if I do or act in a way that bothers him, so that I too am aware of it. Bottom line is I told him he needs to see the person that I am, and really feel the love I have for him.

His response: After I broke up with him in May, he actually admitted that he realized how I must have felt when he broke up with me in the past. He also said that when he returned the ring, a part of him had a sense of relief; when I asked why he said that he was scared in a way and he felt a little pressured. He wanted to wait until I actually moved down there before he proposed. But, thinking back, I did say to him (and I didn't realize or mean to pressure him), I would feel more comfortable with things if you proposed before I moved there. Either way, it is water under the bridge. I digress... so he said that in the past during the on again off again relationship, he always got scared, and felt somewhat guilty about how we even got together in the first place. In addition, some of his family (his mom and one of his sisters) where not happy about him and I (because they totally love his ex-wife - and to this day, they still do), so that added to his behavior and him not being able to see a future for us. At the end of this conversation, he said to me, you know it is ineveitable that we are going to get married and have a future, don't you? I said to him, I do feel that way, but it can't be one-sided. You know how I feel about you, Eric, you just have to make sure you feel the same way about me. If you really want this, let me know. You don't have to let me know this instant either. And that was the end of the conversation.

Later that night, out of the blue so to speak, he said to me, 'I think you should move here'. I said 'You have to be sure that you want this (me and a life with me) Eric. He said he does, and again said 'It is inevitable'. I told him I would love to.

So, I am taking my time because I wouldn't be moving there until the fall anyway, so I am going to really see how he sounds when we talk, and how he is when I visit him again (which will be this weekend for another concert).

So, how did I do? How does he sound? Your responses and insight is always greatly appreciated!

Thank you all. I'm sorry this is so long.

You did really well, no begging for him or anything. I am proud and hope everything works out, just take things very slowly so neither of you feels pressured!

I think you did good and get all the answers to the questions you needed to know. In the meantime, you two should keep the honesty going and see how the cards play out. At least now you know all the fear he had and about his family feelings towards you. This talk was needed and you did exactly what you planned to do but tread slowly and I hope he does not let his family input have an impact on your starting over. I had this time around everything work out just follow whatever your intincts tell you. Whenever you start to second guess, speak to him instead of pulling back.

You did really well, no begging for him or anything. I am proud and hope everything works out, just take things very slowly so neither of you feels pressured!


Hi Rome,

Thank you so very much. I really appreciate your feedback, and your advise on this whole crazy relationship. :) I am going to continue to take things slowly and hopefully this will work out, for good!

I think you did good and get all the answers to the questions you needed to know. In the meantime, you two should keep the honesty going and see how the cards play out. At least now you know all the fear he had and about his family feelings towards you. This talk was needed and you did exactly what you planned to do but tread slowly and I hope he does not let his family input have an impact on your starting over. I had this time around everything work out just follow whatever your intincts tell you. Whenever you start to second guess, speak to him instead of pulling back.

Hi Liz,

Thank you so much. As always, I appreciate all of your help and advise. You are right, if there is something that bothers me or if I do second guess, I am going to bring it up, instead of being afraid or nervous/pulling back.

As long as the lines of honest communications are open, things have a good chance to work I think, but know that going slowly, and paying attention to his actions, as well as his words, are the way to go. If you have any doubts about it, TELL him then, not later.

Your in my prayers, but if he acts a butt, I'll get my friends in Georgia to kick his azz!!

As long as the lines of honest communications are open, things have a good chance to work I think, but know that going slowly, and paying attention to his actions, as well as his words, are the way to go. If you have any doubts about it, TELL him then, not later.

Your in my prayers, but if he acts a butt, I'll get my friends in Georgia to kick his azz!!!!!!!

You are the best, TAL!! And I will take you and your friends up on that! ;) Thank you so very much, from the bottom of my heart for all of your kindness and help! I will definitely keep you all posted!

You did good Starlite. You said what you had to say, and I am so glad that he admitted his reservations.
You and he will have plenty of time to 'iron' out a few more things until the fall and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve together.

My hopes and support are always with you.

Now go out and have that wonderful weekend. While together concentrate on quality time, as there is always time for talking about fears when you call each other - that way there will be more hugs, kisses and warmth to remember between visits.

All my best wishes dear.

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You did good Starlite. You said what you had to say, and I am so glad that he admitted his reservations.
You and he will have plenty of time to 'iron' out a few more things until the fall and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve together.

My hopes and support are always with you.

Now go out and have that wonderful weekend. While together concentrate on quality time, as there is always time for talking about fears when you call each other - that way there will be more hugs, kisses and warmth to remember between visits.

All my best wishes dear.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_67.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)


Thank you so much Chery. You are so wonderful, and honestly? I don't think I would have been this strong this time, without all of you. You all mean the world to me. I will keep you posted on everything. Thank you so much!

Hi Starlite
I too thought you did real well , you almost sounded like a "Relationship Expert" LOL :)

Well done!!

Hi Starlite
I too thought you did real well , you almost sounded like a "Relationship Expert" LOL :)

Well done!!!


LOL!! Thank you, Friend :) You see, I am learning a great deal here! LOL! Thanks again, honey, I appreciate it!

Actually really happy for you, it's nice that some have a happy ending :)

The most important thing to learn from Starlite... That in order to reconcile you must TALK about the issues that lead to the break up in the first place. Not taking anything away from their relationship or the love they have for each other(which I'm sure is a great deal) but if they did not discuss the problems they had before they would surely crash and burn. This they did, and thus I believe they have a much greater chance of succeeding and I truly hope it will:-)

The most important thing to learn from Starlite...That in order to reconcile you must TALK about the issues that lead to the break up in the first place. Not taking anything away from their relationship or the love they have for each other(which I'm sure is a great deal) but if they did not discuss the problems they had before they would surely crash and burn. This they did, and thus I believe they have a much greater chance of succeeding and I truly hope it will:-)

Hi Rome,

Thank you so much! I really hope it works out too. You are right. Communication is key, and I am so glad that he was open with me, and let me know why he broke up with me in the past. I hope he can continue his communication with me, and always be honest and open. I am going there again this weekend, so I will also get a feel for him since a week went past, and hopefully he is still really wanting this. I am confident though that he does. Honestly, and I even said this to him, since he moved from NY to GA he has mellowed out, and became a lot more relaxed and open. He still may have a little bit of a wall, but I did notice that it did come down a great deal. God Willing, we shall see.

Hi starlite... I can relate to the difference a city can make. NY is stressville, and GA is southern layed-back (if I still remember correctly)

I loved Georgia and got pg there, so there must be something to the fact that he is more relaxed there. Outer environment can make as much of a change in a person as inner change - so, double good luck to you dear.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi starlite.... I can relate to the difference a city can make. NY is stressville, and GA is southern layed-back (if I still remember correctly)

I loved Georgia and got pg there, so there must be something to the fact that he is more relaxed there. Outer environment can make as much of a change in a person as inner change - so, double good luck to you dear.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Hi Chery,

Thank you so much ;) . It's funny, because I too was born and raised in NY (Long Island) and he even said, 'I guarantee you will not be so stressed here in Georgia'. I told him 'I hope I won't be either'. But because I am sooo 'New York' from the accent (so people tell me LOL) to my stress and running around (fast pace , not running around, running around LOL). Plus the coffee and cigarettes don't help. But I think GA will.

And thank you again for all of your advise and help, and of course your warm wishes ;)

I will keep you posted!

Hi Starlite glad things went well. When is he going to visit you?

Hi Starlite glad things went well. When is he going to visit you?

Hi F104,

That is a good question! I actually asked him if he wants to come up next month. He is consulting right now in another state, so it may be hard. Besides I like going there better. It's more peaceful. But he is trying to work out his schedule and see if he can make it down next month.

How are you doing?

Sounds cool Starlite. All the best.

Thank you F104! I appreciate it :-)