I really must be desperate for advice if I've resorted to cyberspace, but here goes. This girl and I both just graduated high school, 18 years old. We've been good friends for two years now, but our relationship has been a roller coaster ride. I first recognized she was really starting to get interested in me during this past summer, when we began spending a ton of time together. This really only resulted in a lot of mixed signals and confusing behavior on both of our parts(I pushed her away at times and she never told me when I was upsetting her)

A fairly turbulent summer gave way to an even worse fall. We began getting into petty fights over things we'd say to each other. She took great offense at the slightest of jokes or jabs, first started to get emotional over me. This culminated in a tearful three hour long phone call after a particularly rough and pointless fight. She choked back tears as I told her how much she meant to me as a friend and how I never mean to hurt her, etc. She told me all of her emotional problems, friend problems, etc and really opened up to me, something quite uncommon for a head strong, independent and stoic girl like herself. She's also quite smart and very good looking, two attributes that have gotten her a fair share of suitors. She called me on three occasions to go on a double date with another mutual friend of ours to prevent things from becoming awkward when random guys would ask her to movies, dinner, etc.

She dated a junior for a few weeks in December and January in what was a purely physical relationship. She entered into this deal with this guy during a time when I was blowing her off at parties, not calling her, etc. She would later confess that "I knew exactly why" she "dated" him, the implication being he made her feel good about herself during a time I was making her feel terrible.

Things were cold between us, uneasy and strained, until spring break. She began calling me again and stayed a few condos down from the one where my friends and I were staying. She proceeded to go out to parties with me, riding in my front seat every night. The tension between us became palpable when I left a sparsely populated TV room in our condo to my bedroom to escape being annoyed by her and her drunk asexual guy friend and some other random people. She came in and got on the bed with me, closing the door behind her, asking me what was wrong. I rolled away from her and told her nothing was wrong I was just tired of being a sober guy among drunk people. We were about to start either hooking up or having a meaningful conversation when her friend busted in and jumped on the bed with us. She was frustrated a little bit but we just watched TV for a while. He tried to get her to leave several times but she refused, wanting to lie next to me instead. When they finally left, I didn't follow her to the door and just said bye from the bedroom. I got a text about 20 minutes later telling me to come talk with her in the parking garage.

We talked for three hours, from 12-3AM. I basically told her I really liked her and wanted to have a relationship with her. She was defensive at first, saying she didn't feel the same way anymore and that she'd learned to deal with her feelings for me. I tried to explain why I pushed her away, citing insecurity and confusion, and make her feel comfortable considering me again. She gradually wore down, saying if we had more time together she'd say yes immediately. Then told me how horrible I make her feel sometimes and how much she values everything I say to her, good and bad. She cried a little, not much, as we talked about how we regretted not dating earlier. She ultimately says she'll reconsider me. We embraced and held onto each other for a while, she fleetingly held onto my hand as we went our separate ways that night.

I call her two days later and she cries saying she can't be my boyfriend, would be dating me for the "wrong reasons", etc. Denied having romantic feelings for me. I got upset with her for not being straight forward with me and that made things worse. We didn't speak for a week or so then were cool again. We had about five several hour conversations either on the phone or in my car, talking about relationships, friends, life, etc. She opened up to me more and more and began confiding in me about her self esteem issues. She never talked about other guys, said she can't relate to most people right now, sometimes can relate better with guys than girls. We were fine with each other for a while until we started fighting over stupid stuff again, mostly little cuts we'd make at each other in passing.

We had a few more arguments and long phone conversations, mostly taking offense at the other's feelings, I questioned the legitimacy of her confusion surrounding her emotions and she questioned my good nature. We finally had a come to Jesus talk that lasted for about two hours. She still maintains that she has no "romantic feelings" for me but says I understand her better than anyone else right now, I'm the only person who can make her cry right now, everything I say to her is magnified tenfold. Went on to say that seeing me in public, as a guy who used to be her friend and is no longer one, was so painful that she had to put up a huge emotional wall to prevent herself from having an emotional break down. Said she can't just enjoy the moment, is always looking to the future, and since we're going far away for college, we have no immediate future together, making a relationship pointless. She said this despite having denied having romantic feelings for me. She cried a lot during the conversation that had been precipitated by a text I sent telling her I was sorry but could no longer be friends with her until I had moved on. She demanded "closure" and said texting wasn't good enough, which was a fair assessment. She then cried as she complained about how hard "moving on" from me would be, again despite having denied those feelings.
She finally conceded that I had become more than a friend with her, had been all along. Begged me to not hurt her anymore by saying anything mean. She said she feels closer to me than anyone else right now also. Is it possible for a girl to feel this way about a guy, especially a guy she used to have "strong" feelings for, and not be romantically attracted to him? She's like my ex wife...

Sorry for the long story, we have such a rich, turbulent history that I could write a book about our relationship. My question to anyone who can possibly provide advice is simply what should I do? We agreed that leaving each other alone for a while would be the only way for us to move on, but that hurts both of us tremendously. Is there any way to try and convince her to enjoy our "friendship" by dating for the few months we have left together? Should I napalm my heart and look on to college dating and new relationships? Should I sacrifice a little bit of my sanity to help her keep hers by maintaining contact with her throughout the rest of the summer? I know there is no clear cut answer but would greatly appreciate any advice more experienced folks might be able to shed on this sad situation.

Sometimes, a friend you like "a lot in that other way" is still only supposed to be a friend, because at the heart of things, you don't do much else for each other. This isn't a case of bad timing, it's a case of mindless pursuance.

You two are actually quite ill-suited. Neither one of you has managed to claim that fact 100% and require it to be respected.

So, your feelings of affection and attraction which WERE present were given way too much leeway to keep messing with your reality. You two would make excellent best friends if you just required each other to keep that boundary. But you don't, so it keeps getting messy for no reason and to no joy.

If you were dating AT ALL, you would require an ongoing sense of well-being for one another. You would be seeking to enrich each other, make each other's lives better, but this reads as just so much defensive drama.

I've really only focused on the negative aspects of our relationship and given a one sided view. When we're around each other, enjoying each others company, it's great. We support each other and understand each other, much like two people in a stable relationship. It seems a bit extreme to say we're "quite ill-suited" when we can't let go of the other because we've started recognizing that we are similar in many regards and ultimately would have been compatible once we cut through the static and confusion we we're accidentally propagating.

Of course it is your call in the end. You have to live with your choices. You're describing this story as painful and wanting it better may actually mean you don't like the pain but can live with the drama if that includes a small chance you two might work it out somehow. Yeah, that COULD happen, so...

I do tend to speak in extremes, so you'll have to understand that at the start, OK?

The reason you focused on the negative in your loooooong story (where you had plenty of time NOT to do so) is because at first blush, that IS how you see your story. It is true.

So, my citing you're ill-suited isn't extreme based on your story. And your additional info above doesn't change my read on this. You two appear to be fast and close and well-loving friends who have this sexual tension underpinning your relationship and it is giving you cause to treat each other badly in ways TRUE BEST FRIENDS would not allow.

And if you were actually dating, these same behaviors would be the reason I would be in the process of convincing you that you're not suited for one another and if you didn't stop you'd lose your friendship, too. (this is a position you will find in many of my other posts.)

I only want you to get out of this with your friendship and your mind intact. I want you to win. Based on what I read so far, as long as you're focused on "getting each other", you will most likely keep hurting each other.

I didn't mean to sound hostile or anything, I think you're pretty spot on with your posts. How do I keep a friendship with her? How do I deal with the tension we both readily acknowledge? I do like to think that if we had ended up together, I would have be so at ease with her, trusting her, that I wouldn't treat her badly. At least nothing like when we weren't dating and would fight. I can't stop thinking about her, the good and the bad, right now. Should I try and talk to her some more? Do you think she's just really scared of being hurt again and sees us as not having enough time to spend together?

You really can't get us to figure out this level of detail for you. After all, you're LIVING it, so you have to have a better idea of what is going on.

I just want you to stop making it so much about your feelings and so convinced that you know how things "would've worked out" if "only things were different" in some ways in the past. I don't see how any of that helps you salvage a friendship.

Friendship is, at its core, about doing... not feeling. A friend is what you ARE. Whether she's your friend or not is a separate issue, you just ARE her friend.

And friends act a particular way. They listen more than they tell. They accept more than they judge. They tolerate without condoning or approving. They are just THERE.

You two have miserably gone far past that into messy "relationship-speak". Honestly, only YOU know if you can turn all that off and just go back (for now) to just being a great friend.

Can you? This doesn't even start to address the issue of whether she'll even bother with it, either. She may shut the whole thing down.

As her friend, you would be able to live with that. As her almost-ex, can you? This is your battle to fight, and you have GOT to set these unusable feelings aside while you get it all together.

I've discussed this all with her, as I noted in the last two paragraphs or so. I can still be friends with her but can't get much closer than that. I've listened to every word she has to say, she just has trouble communicating things sometimes. It's not a matter of me focusing on my feelings with her... I'm equally concerned with how she feels, if not more. I can't help but think that she still has feelings for me but can't bring herself to come to terms with them. I'm not asking you to figure out a great deal of detail; in fact, I'm just asking for some advice on how to be friends with her.

I'm just asking for some advice on how to be friends with her.My bad. Well, since friendship is about not applying pressure, it is just casual and comfortable, more than anything you just be there and be you.

Your take on her having feelings and not knowing what to do about them... may be exactly right. And you can't teach that, she has to figure out herself what she's willing to do right now.

I'm sorry, this is tough, I know.