I was with my ex for 2.5 years. I am 24 and he is 26 Everything has been perfect we were engaged, but no date set yet. Very out the blue 3.5 months ago he dumps me because he wanted space. This came from no where, on the morning of the break up he paid of all our holidays we had booked for the rest of the year and booked us a holiday to go away at xmas. He went of to a family lunch and text me to say its over, I told him to come and say it to my face as after 2.5 years I deserve it.

He came over 20mins after our conversation crying loads saying he was sorry didn't love me any more hadn't loved me the last 2 weeks and wants space. I was shocked and said OK then bye, to be honest I didn't think he was serious. But from that moment I didn't chase, call or text I just vanished. He didn't contact me and blocked me on Facebook

Fast forward 10 weeks of no contact I bump into him outside his work, I think he had seen me coming because he was standing there looking red. As soon as I started talking to him he starts crying again, asking me if I was OK, where had I been am I still working at the same place and my car had been seen in differenct places you sure I'm OK. I said yes I'm fine. He was crying more than ever by this point. He said he didn't mean what he said that night we finished he takes it all back and just wanted space, which he got and he repsects me for it. He also said he had thought about me everyday since and still has feelings and wants to try again slowly seeing each other a few nights a week, I agreed but said we had to meet up to talk proprly. 2 days after he texts me saying he can't get into a relationship his head not clear and doesn't want to hurt me again like he has done already. So I'm back to the No contact!

2 weeks later he bumps into my sister he starts crying again to her saying he doesn't no what's wrong with him he still loves me and that his head isn't clear and still wants space.

Do I have much chance in him coming back if I keep giving him his space?

He has lost lots of weight and has let himself go. I love him so much but don't want to start contacting him after being silent for so long. For a man to cry in public something is not right.

Any advice would be helpful!

I did ask him when I saw him why his head wasn't clear he said he didn't know, he was crying loads so it was hard to get information out of him. But he did say he didn't mean what he said when he broke up with me, takes it all back with that I take it that he didn't mean he doesn't love me.

For a grown man to cry outside his place of work there are issues but what I don't know I don't want to start contacting him and invading his space.

Its just confussing.

Hi Debbie..

You do not accept Private Messages, and I was going to shortly respond there, but since I can't.. here are a few questions.

It is possible that he might be ill and too proud to let you know? This could be one reason for the break, his weight-loss, and then crying when he sees you.

Has his life changed in any way otherwise, i.e. was he in the military or in a gang or has he changed jobs lately?

Maybe he thinks he needs to protect you from something he thinks is so bad that it would make you hate him.

I know that the time you were together is a long time and you both should have been able to communicate about anything under the sun, but some men are raised to keep their 'serious' problems to themselves in order to be a 'man' and he just might be torn up with these emotions at this time.

If you want closure and reassurance for yourself and any of these possibilities sound valid, you need to talk to him and get it straight. Then, based upon his response, you can go on and start living your life accordingly.

So, for your own good, don't leave things undone as they will only prevent you from going on and making future plans without any doubts. It's not about him now, it's for your peace of mind.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

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Hiya

He started a new job about 6 months before the break up, he was given more work to do which was worrying him as it was usually the directors job to do!

But apart from that everything was normal, we had no problems that I was aware of, still saw him the same he wasn't distant, it is very confussing. But I don't want to start contacting him now after so long.

I only bumped into him by chance and I don't think that will happen for a long time yet

I didn't think of the illness thing either, your right thou. Maybe it could be some sort of break down? Who knows. But I know there is no one else , its just space he needs. Ts just worrying 3.5 months on he still doesn't know. Ill find out somehow.

Thank you both for your help and input its has made me think a lot more! Xx

Don't waste time assuming what he is going through, as he didn't just come up with this break up stuff, its been on his mind a while, and he gave it some thought before he acted. He has made no attempt to contact you, and he would if he wanted to, so I would advise you to continue to leave him alone, and focus on your own happiness, and let him do the same. I think these random meetings, have you thinking of him, but take it no further than that.

Why did he cry when he saw me and then when he saw my sister? And if it was on his mind why waste money booking holidays for the future, none if it makes sense.


I am grateful for the advice, but if it is true what you are saying his actions don't add up.

It's obvious that something drastic has changed him and also that you have unanswered doubts. I just looked at things from different perspectives. What you do with your doubts and feelings is up to you dear.

Good luck. I hope that you do get peace of mind - for YOU!

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Why did he cry when he saw me and then when he saw my sister? And if it was on his mind why waste money booking holidays for the future, none if it makes sense.


I am grateful for the advice, but if it is true what u r saying his actions dont add up.
Guilt can be a powerful incentive to do a lot of things. I know you have a lot of unanswered questions, but if he is not man enough or cares enough to come clean with you, I advise you to get on with your life. You cannot stay in limbo because he won't tell you what has happened.
He has not contacted you, has seen you on accident. I think you should leave him alone.

If I do bump into by chance again, shall I just walk by, be polite just say hi or have a convrsation like I did last night because if the crying starts it won't help me. I care so much for him but you are right I should leave him alone. He is either ill or guilty.

if i do bump into by chance again, shall i just walk by, be polite just say hi or have a convrsation like i did last night cos if the crying starts it wont help me. I care so much for him but you are right i should leave him alone. he is either ill or guilty.
You say hello and move on. There is no need to subject yourself to his tears if the only time he wants to talk and cry is if you accidentally run into him.
I wish you well.

Debbie,

Your BU seems eerily similar to mine

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fiance-breakup-209106.html


There are some things we cannot/will never know. Maybe there was another girl? Has he been in therapy. I know this doesn't help much, but the best thing for you to do is to move on the best you can. Don't let yourself be drawn into his dysfunctional life. If he is sick or whatever HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED WITH YOU. You were engaged. You should have stayed together through thick and thin.

Regardless of what was wrong, when 2 people love each other, they stay together. If he was suffering through depression/illness etc... shouldn't that have made him want more support?

My ex tried the "I love you but my psyc said I cannot be in a relationship right now." I fell for it for quite a while. Heck, its been 2.5 months and it still bothers me. It made the healing process take that much longer.

Move on, live life for you and the BU was a blessing. NC is the best here.

Your right brian, thank you. I am going to continue doing NC. I still care for him loads I will do he was my life and was meant to be here for the future. But for whatever reason he decided to walk away.

I hope yours works out the way you want it to, and hope in time we can both be happy xx

No matter how long it takes for you to get over it and heal, you know we will be here for you through those rough stages.

Good luck dear and speedy recovery.

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your right brian, thank you. i am going to continue doing NC. i still care for him loads i will do he was my life and was meant to be here for the future. but for whatever reason he decided to walk away.

I hope yours works out the way u want it to, and hope in time we can both be happy xx

Thank you. A healthy relationship exists when two emotionally healthy people come together and love each other and support each other. If this guy went off the deep end like he did, he is not emotionally healthy. Period. My ex is not emotionally healthy. Period. You and I were playing the supporter role. We did everything for them, and in reality, they gave us little. Even through all the support we gave them, they still chose to walk away. For whatever reason.

We did everything we could do, it is their loss. It took me a while to come to that conclusion. I stopped trying to figure out why she left, and now I am trying to figure out why I stayed.

Well I feel worse than ever now, I feel that he has fed me aload of bull****.

Just been on Facebook, the worst invention ever if you ask me and there are all photos of him having a laugh, looking happy and he has written on our friends wall, ill be there sat rarring for the beers!

So him looking rough is properly him hungover. So them tears mean nothing to me, if he was that down he wouldn't be looking happy would he or am I reading too much into it?

I just wish I could go back to this time last year and be happy with him, but got to face facts ill never be happy with him again.

You are reading too much into it. He seems to be trying to get on with his life while you are stewing on the fact that he is having fun without you. He probably still feels very hurt inside but that's how people deal with loss. He is out with his friends he is supposed to be having a good time.

You are hanging onto the fact that this was the penultimate relationship for you. It wasn't. I know that is kind of harsh however first thing is first get off face book and go have fun with your friends. It is amazing at the power that they have to get your head into the right place to see clearly without all of the emotional clouding that has clouded your vision.

I am reading too much into it, your right. I do go out with my friends have a ggod night I even stopped drinking as I know I will break the no contact.

It just hurts me that he is having fun looks to be having fun, but then with people he speaks to that are connected to me he breaks down. Never thought it would come to this

A update on my situtation, it is me being silly I know but I need to get it of my chest

Basically my bro in law went to the pub last night and saw my ex boyfriend. My ex has never gone to that pub before so I was shocked and he was with someone I didn't know.

My sister then rings up her husband who is with my ex and passes the phone to him. The ex is chatting to my sister saying I'm surprised you lot don't hate me I was scared to come in here tonight because I thought I would get set on, and I am sorry for what's happened. He then asked if I was OK and how was my nan.

I just feel sick that he was out, in a place he never been to and if he was that scared of it why go in, and why say sorry to my sister and bro in law and ask aout me if he doesn't want to be with me. Why can't he speak to me about this?

It hurts that I spent 2.5 years with this man planned to marry him and he can't even face me.

This guy probably left you because he either found someone else or decided you are not who he wants to marry and didn't have the balls to tell you himself. He can't speak to you because he does not know what to say, he did you dirty and does not have the integrity to tell you he is sorry to your face.
I know this hurts, it will for a while, but it is better this happened now than after a marriage. You will be fine. Be glad he is gone. He is a weak and selfish man, not good enough for you.

I know there is nooone else. He isn't that experienced and I was his first girlfriend.

Even after what he has done to me I know when he said I can't think of anyone else the thought makes me feel sick far from it he was telling the truth.

Maybe the marriage thing is true only he knows . And I doubt ill ever find out

Honey just like you were his first girl friend, there can also be a second one, so don't think he is not capable of being with another girl.
But he could have realized he did not want to be married or engaged. Maybe he wanted to spread his wings a bit. At any rate a man who does not have the sensitivity to at least be honest with you, who can hurt you like this and do nothing but cry when he sees you is weak and you don't need him.
You may never know what was going through his mind, but don't let that stop you from moving on, because I'll bet my bottom dollar, he has.

I know he hasn't moved on either, he looks rough and not the man I was with.

Maybe one day ill get my answers but last night just confussed me a lot and it hurt

Well I don't know what else to say. The fact that he is someplace he would not normally go says he is moving in a different direction. If he does not have the decency to come to you on his own, don't drive yourself crazy asking why. He is a grown man who knows what he is doing. He has made a choice.
I wish you well

Thank you for your advice, you are right I just don't want to believe it. In time I will

OK, so now it't time for you to start forgetting him and avoid news from family members - no matter if they mean well or not - they should live their own lives and let you move on.

Sometimes we don't get answers, but we still need to go on with our lives. So start your healing process.
Change things around in the place that remind you of him. Avoid pubs that you both used to go to, and look for a new circle of friends. Don't stay home and pine away. You've gotten good advice here and it's your choice whether you want to move on or stay in quicksand and self-pitty, without moving on.

Work on your self-respect and start enjoying yourself again.

You are not alone, and will survive this, all it takes is one step at a time. And TIME is what it will take to heal, but it's worth it.

This experience will help you grow and get stronger.

Stay with us, we will be here to help you along.

Good luck.

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My family only told me because they were as shocked as I was that he was in this pub. He has never been in there before and he knew that is my familys local. And they would be in there. He said he was scared to so why go in?

Since day 1 of this break up and when I bumped into him its all confussing. I can't cope with his much more.

I know I did the right thing by leaving him alone going NC from day 1 but sometimes I do regret it.

my family only told me cos they was as shocked as i was that he was in this pub. he has never been in there b4 and he knew that is my familys local. and they would b in there. he said he was scared to so y go in?

since day 1 of this break up and when i bumped into him its all confussing. i can't cope with his much more.

i know i did the right thing by leaving him alone going NC from day 1 but sometimes i do regret it.

It's not for you or your family to conclude that he will keep his old habits and not start new ones. He has a life of his own and so do you. Your job now is to go on with your's.

Most of the individuals that break up have regrets, but that is not going to change anything. The communication should have been during the relationship - not afterwards - regretting stuff that's past and has no future is a waste of your time.

Don't waste time on the past, please and look toward your future and peace of mind.

Good luck.

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I know I need to look forward, but its just very hard as it came from no where, we had no problems and to book holidays with me for xmas, shows to me this wasn't on his mind, and it did come from no where.

But as for him crying when you sees me and the weight loss only he knows why this is, and only he knows why he has done this. Just wish he could have been honest with me unless he did just want space. - which he has got and thanked me for it and repects me for it 2.

But he did want to come back then text me saying I can't get into a relationship my heads not clear I don't want to put you through again what I have done already.

I'm just very confussed , my life was with this man, now nothing. Why ask about me if he don't care.

It's a killer this break up, I was with a guy for 3 years and wasn't this bad when we split.

Hi Debbie,

I know all too well what you are going though. It is so hard to figure out why he is acting the way he is acting and giving you mixed signals. That is the hardest part I think. I wish in my own situation as well, that we could sit these men down and get what ever it is out of them. I know we may never know, and that in itself is so trying on us. But I guess time is the only answer and course of action for us... I don't like time...

I think you should talk to him, and tell him to tell you straight up what's up... If he tells you the same thing " i dont wanna be in a relationship right now, blah blah blah", then leave him alone..
He cries but doesn't do anything about it... maybe its guilt what he feels, maybe its something else.. but for your own sake ask him to explain to you what's going on.. and like I said.. if he says the same thing, then let it go.. it will hurt but there's nothing else to do...

I agree. You deserve an answer Debbie, one way or the other... He needs to man up and tell you, if he can, what happened... He may tap dance, but, at least it will give you some clarity in a way; if he says the same thing, then you know he is not worth pursuing, but if he explains more, then you can take it from there and see if it makes sense.

We are all here for you!

The thing with me is as much as I want him back I can't contact him, I only did once and that was to reply to the messege he sent me.

I have gone over 100 days with no contact no chasing nothing, to start now I don't know what it will do

That's good.. If you've gone over 100, then why give up now?. u've come so far.. but you are making it harder because you can't seem to let go... you got to leave him behind... stop questioning his actions(crying, asking for you) because is not doing you any good... if he talks to your sis tell her not to tell you... is not making things better...

I know I got to let go, I just cant. He was my life he was my future I just got 2 get used to the fact he is not no more. It's a real killer.

No.. he wasn't your life or your future... he was IN your life, and maybe IN your future.. you don't need him 4 anything... Life goes on with or without him... & yes YOU CAN!. you just won't...
I know its hard, very very very very hard... but you got to give up on him.. :(

I know I do, you are right, I just got to get over the way he has done it. I mean he booked holidays with us for march may June and xmas on the day he dumped me. Its all confussing as hell

And I think he did just want space because he looks rough as hell, but he not my problem. Think of number 1

It's confusing I know.. 2 make it better stop thinking about the holidays he booked.. Think about now.. he is not with you... that's it...
Your right think of # 1 <----- That's YOU!

"nobody gets to live life backwards, look ahead thats were your future lies" <--- I like that quote :)

That is a very good quote! I might start using that!

Are you still glad you blocked your exs number?

You ARE number 1 Debbie, absolutley!

Cool quote Damaged!

I just want to be his number one again. God I got to snap out of this! Arghhhhh

You seem to be at a standstill here. You repeatedly mention that you don't understand why he just out of the blue changed.. and that you still think 'how he could have done this to you'.

No matter what advice you get, you are still going along with the flow and staying confused. Get your answers - THEN do the REAL no contact - because you haven't really started that. You are still walking around with only him on your mind - claiming that you 'want him back but can't contact him'.

You and only you can make your choices here, but at least make some! Otherwise, this thread and your life will continue to go back to square one with you wishing a different outcome each time. WISHING is not going to make anything happen and you know it. The 'holidays are still a bit away - you could be spending them with someone else, so stop dwelling on this issue. When we say look forward we don't mean toward your wishes, but toward reality.

Either find him, get your answers, and move one or...
Live with what's going on now, forget him, and start your steps to healing.

Again, it's your choice, just don't stay planted as if in cement like you are now - move it.

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You are right, you all are right its just me, I just can't seem to move on. And I do want to , but I am confussed and confussing myself with everything.

I'm going to try all I can to forgot about the holidays and stuff, your right it could be with someone else, and nooone wants a depressed chick on there arm!

I am very glad I blocked his number.. Because even though I would like to talk to him some times I know it won't benefit me in any ways.. & many times I hv my weak moments but still I don't call him.. but maybe if he calls I may be tempted to answer.. so by blocking his number I don't know if he is trying to contact me.. I just think its better to leave it like that..

I can't even get my phone company to block any number so that won't work, in time when I'm ready I will change my number. Just hassle letting everyone know

Hey

I thought I would come back on here and give you an update of my situtaion and to say thank you for all your help and advice!

I am nearly 7 months on from the break up and fell so much better for it, I'm not completley over him and every time I c him I say hello and walk on, he seems to want to stop and chat but won't let that happen.

I have changed my mobile number and moved jobs, and have started seeing someone new. Funny how things turn out!

So thank you all again

Debbie xxxx

You go, girl