Okay.. a bit of a story here, but please help me.

I am 16 years old in grade 10 in high school. My ex is 15, also in grade 10. (There is only 2 months age difference).

Some background on my ex girlfriend:
She was in a relationship with a guy, "John" for 4 months. She knew this guy since birth, and they have been friends for life. John is 20 years old.

Then I came in, and she broke up with him for me. (NOTE: This was her decision. I did not even ask her out until about 2 weeks after she broke up with "John.")

So I went out with her, for about 2 weeks, hardly anytime at all :(.

She decided to go out with her ex one day as friends. She says she wants to be friends with him still, which I understand. Don't forget that this guy has been in her life as a friend for 15 years.

So she goes out with him one night (I figured this out the day after.) I also figured out that he kissed her. She told me this, and she told me she backed away, and got mad, and stopped it right away. I didn't react too much because she told me, and I trust her. This guy has also been sending her love letter, begging her to go back to him, so I wasn't surprised when he tried something like that.

A day after she tells me about the incident between her and "John," we see each other in school. It is a normal day, but she has been quiet, and avoiding me since the incident between her and "John."

The school day is over now, and I am walking home. I get a text message, "we have to talk." This happens 30 minutes after a fairly normal day of seeing her. In the end, she calls me that night, and dumps me. I ask why, and she says she feels guilty about what she did with "John." She says the way I looked really broken when I figured out he kissed her. And she says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so she broke up with me.

I saw her the next day in school, and we talked like nothing ever happened. I wanted to talk about the break up, and she knows that. I didn't want to talk about it in the middle of my english class though. So we were supposed to talk at lunch, she was "busy." We were supposed to talk after school, she was "busy." I aksed if we could meet over the weekend and talk but, you guessed it, "busy."

SO,
Does anybody have any idea of what may have happened? And how do I get her back?

Please don't tell me I am young, and have a whole life. I want her back now. Please help.

I should also point out that she really is annoyed by "John" and I am 99% positive she wouldn't go back to him. He wants 2 kids, and marriage. The girl only wants some fun, and a person to support her. She is, after all, only in high school. And John is in University.

So what happened? And how do I get her back?

Thanks for reading my novel of a story, and thanks for the help.
-J

The only way to get her back is through the best friend zone. You accept her breakup, and become the absolute best comrade in her life.

You console, you don't pressure, you let her know you still like her, but want her friendship first and foremost, you want nothing to jeapordize that. You stay in her life, by her side, as close as you can get, and worm your way lovingly into every part of her day.

Your job now is to be the awesome fun guy. When she starts to rethink her attitude about you, you're there and ready.

You were going out with this girl for 2 weeks and she already put in enough drama into the relationship to make it painful to you in someway...
Be careful with what you wish for, cause I don't think this girl is it.

Thanks for the help JB, I really appreciate it. I will try that.

And nickshehe, thanks for your perspective, although I disagree, thank you for taking the time. I like this girl enough to put up with the drama, and hopefully, we can get past it.
-----
But what do you guys think of me telling her how I feel, then aksing her back right then?
If the only reason really is this ex boyfriend kiss thing, and how I reacted, and how she thinks I feel, then I could clear that up and we could move on, stonger than before right?
Would this work? What do you think?

"You know I like you, so remember that and keep me in line if I overstep my place. Meanwhile, remember you can always rely on me and our friendship which I believe is most important of all. We don't need to be bf/gf but I think we both benefit from having good friends who understand each other. Don't you?"

Sure, you can tell her, but not as a play to get her back. You don't "convince" a girl to like you, she comes to it on her own because you're an awesome bloke.

Friend zone.

Thanks again JB, I feel better already.

Save yourself the time and trouble, as she will be busy because she wants you to move on, and there is someone else of interest in the picture. You just can't see it, but he is there for sure. Move on from this as friends is as good as it will get with her.

talaniman, Maybe I am being too optimistic, maybe I am setting myself up to be hurt. I don't know. What I do know is I am willing to take the risk.
Thanks for your opinion though.

Your call!

I think you should just ask her about the breakup, play it cool though, ask her why she broke up, cause if she broke up with you for the reason she claims she is oversensitive, but still you have an opening to get back with her.

I'm really fond of the friend strategy and I always use it. But you have to be careful, make sure you don't end up as too good of a friend, then she would never want to ruin a good friendship by dating you. Be there, be the fun guy and remember to once in a while make a random joke that she is a good kisser or something, so she'll remember that you can also be a boyfriend.

Good luck!

Thanks MulhollandDGirl, I think that random joke thing is a good idea. Thanks for the advice.

And talaniman, I don't mean to disrespect you, I just don't agree with your advice. I thank you for wanting to help me though.
I don't think I could ever explain the entire situation, but I think you all get the jist of it. The way she broke it off left the relationship kind of open, and we still haven't had the talk about why she did it yet, so who knows how it will turn out.

Thanks again for the advice everybody, and if anybody else has any suggestions, please let me know what you think!

I have to agree with what Tal and nickshehe said, they are both being realistic. There are so many red-flags from what you were just telling us. This girl obviously doesn't know what she want yet, and is testing the water. She's obviously still learning about herself.

High school romance is fine as long as if its all just fun and game, I mean it's a good experience for learning how to solve conflict. But you shouldn't expect any serious outcome from it, especially not with this girl. Also, as someone said before she has created so much drama in the span of 2 weeks already.

It's been 3 days since I have talked to her, and I am doing okay. However, I still want her back. I will see her at school tomorrow, so I will see what happens there.

I can hopefully talk to her over our lunch period.
What should I say?

I still like you, and I still want you back? Do I just let her know I am happy and very okay with just being friends? I know not to beg for her back, but is it so bad to mention how I feel, and ask if there is a chance of getting back together?

Help is still needed here. Please, keep the suggestions coming, your help is very appreciated.

but is it so bad to mention how I feel, and ask if there is a chance of getting back together?

She knows how you feel. That's not really the problem.


So I went out with her, for about 2 weeks, hardly anytime at all :(.
She decided to go out with her ex one day as friends.

This is your problem. She needs space to make up her mind, despite your take on the guy, she may not be over him. Let her decide for herself what she wants.
I know that's not what you want to hear, but leading with your emotions will cause more problems than it will solve. Your in to deep for just 2 weeks. Step back, and see things as they are, and not just what you want them to be.

I am beginning to think more logically than emotionally.
I know I am really in deep for two weeks, but that's how I am. I don't think I mentioned that I knew her since February. She broke up with "john" only 4 weeks ago. I asked her out a little over 2 weeks ago. So I have known, and liked her for over two months.

I went into the relationship not expecing a long relationship, she did after all leave her boyfriend for me. It would not be a shcok for another guy to come along, and she would leave me for him, or if she went back to the ex.

And about that ex, I guess she may still like him. When we were going out, I really doubt she would say something like, " I still have feelings for him." To me of all people.

Keep in mind, I have still not talked to her about why she broke up with me.
Should I try to talk to her about it? I really want to know why, to see if we can save the relationship. I know the relationship can only be saved if she wants to save it too. But do I talk to her about it? Or do I just leave things as they are. I feel if I leave things as they are, then not even a friendship is possible. So confused...

And thanks again for the help and advice, it is helping me. But what should I do!
When you say give her space, do you mean not to talk about the break up? And I have been trying to give her space; I haven't talked to her for 3 days.

Okay, well, I just got off the phone with her. We talked, joked a bit, she asked me a question about a history essay she has to write. It was a simple, random question that anybody could've answered. I didn't bring up the break up though. It was like nothing happened. Just two friends. Why did she call me?

She initiated the contact, even though she broke up with me. Before she hung up, she said that we can talk about the break up tomorrow at lunch.
So again, I ask what do I do tomorrow at lunch? This latest call puts hope in me that she misses me. Am I right? WHAT DO I DO??

I know it seems like she is driving me crazy, but I really want her back. Please give me practical advice on what I should do, and not tell me to move on.

If there is anything more confusing than women, it is teenage women.
Help...

You do nothing but wait for tomorrow at lunch. You get what you want then.


If there is anything more confusing than women, it is teenage women.


Naw, they get smarter, and older, and even more confusing.

If women get more confusing, I don't know how much more I can take! Lol

... I guess I will wait, and see what happens tomorrow at lunch.
I still don't understand what the phone call was all about though.

Take it slow man. Don't get your hopes up.

The phone call was to get you to talk to her about it tomorrow, be glad she did because that will either give you closure or an opening. Just be glad you got that as I myself am still waiting/not expecting my ex to breach the NC I have instituted. Good luck and be yourself.

The thing is, I have been the one trying to get her to talk to me, lol. I tried the night she broke up with me, but she was "busy." I tried the day after, but "busy." Then I asked to talk to her over the weekend, but "busy." So now after not talking to her, she calls after 2 days and asks to talk tomorrow.
I didn't want to pressure her into talking to me, I think she has just decided that she is ready to talk.

I really wish you luck with your situation, mrchef. I can really understand your situation. For me, it only took 2-3 days of NC, so I hope your situation works out. Good Luck mrchef.

Welll that's kind of what I did but you have to remember not to ask for her to take you back. I did that twice before consulting here for advice. This talk, like I said before, will either give you closure, which is what I think I got even though I'm still hoping for it to work :/, or she will keep you as a possibility. All I have to say is be ready for an interesting day tomorrow.

Ha, an interesting day is an understatment.

So, just to clarify, from what people told me on this thread before, tomorrow in the talk I should:
-Tell her how I feel
-Let her know I am okay with the break up
-Let her know I am okay with being friends
-be calm, take it slow

BUT, I don't ask her back? I can't even say, "do you want to give it another try?" or "are you sure a break up is what you want?" or anything like that? The way she left it was very open, and sudden.

From what I've come to understand she has to bring that up you can't force that upon her. Her mind has had to change from not wanting to hurt you by going back to the other guy to wanting to be with you.

Its kind of like that saying you can't move an elephant unless it wants to be moved

Good point, thanks for the advice.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now, the next time I check in, it will be after school tomorrow! I will be back, to let you know how the talk went. Hopefully I will have good news, but like mrchef said, I'm not getting my hopes up. I can at least get some closure from this talk.
Can't wait! I will talk to you all tomorrow, and thank you for all the help guys!

Okay... today went well, but I didn't end up talking to her about the break up. Something I have noticed is that I don't have that burning desire to be with her all the time anymore. I think I am finally calming down now, but I still want to talk.

I still have feelings for her, but I am not 'infatuated' with her anymore.

So, I was going to talk to her, but her friends were around, and they wanted to talk, so I didn't pull her away. I will try to talk to her tomorrow, but she really seems to be avoiding the talk. Should I keep trying for the talk (I don't bring it up every minute, or pressure her into it. I have only mentioned it once to her.) OR, should I just give up on closure, and any chance at getting her back.

I still want her back, but I want to hear your opinions on this...

So she goes out with him one night (I figured this out the day after.) I also figured out that he kissed her. She told me this, and she told me she backed away, and got mad, and stopped it right away. I didn't react too much because she told me, and I trust her. This guy has also been sending her love letter, begging her to go back to him, so I wasn't surprised when he tried something like that.

A day after she tells me about the incident between her and "John," we see each other in school. It is a normal day, but she has been quiet, and avoiding me since the incident between her and "John."

Could it be that you showed a different impression of how you felt about this in your facial expression?

And yes, be calm, be cool, and don't follow her all around the place. She will only feel guilt (even though in my opinion she has no reason to be because of her age and not needing to promise anyone anything right now).

Stay in the friend zone for now and don't neglect yourself. Go on and make a few new friends and when you do spot her, wave and smile SHOW her that you are still her friend even if she does not want to talk right now. Basic body-language and facial expressions can communicate a lot, so practice in front of a mirror if you have to. Maybe one day soon, she might not be so busy and will be ready to talk again - give her time.

Keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)With summer break coming along soon, you could text or email her once a week just wishing her a good weekend.

I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT!!
Sorry if I am a little excited, but I may have discovered why the break up happened, thanks to you (Thank you)

She has pointed out that I have weird facial expressions, and what I feel is different from what I physically express. That may be it. I am a little disapointed that she broke up with me before even asking me about how I felt...

Now that I think about it, I was quiet, and didn't say much to her for the rest of the day. I may have really screwed things up with my lack of physical expression skills...

So should I give her space? Now that I know the reason, I feel like the whole break up is just a misunderstanding... she thinks I am broken inside after what she did, but I really am not. Do I tell her this, talk to her about it, or do I leave it? It feels like the relationship is extremely savable right now, after realizing this.

If women get more confusing, I don't know how much more I can take! lol

LOL right back. If I had 5 cents for every time I read or hear this one... or
'' I want him/her back!'' I would be a millionairess right now. And it has nothing to do with your age-group or mine (I'm 57). 99% of all humans go through these emotions and survive, sometimes more than once in their lives. The other percent consist of pimps or worse. So, welcome to the Upper 99% Club!


I promise, it will get easier... one day when you are happy with a family. But, I cannot promise when - nobody can.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

I remember the face I made when she told me, I just did it and looked in the mirror, and do I ever look sad with that face... the hardly talking for the rest of the day probably reinforced her idea of me being extremely sad about the situation...

I remeber the face I made when she told me, I just did it and looked in the mirror, and do I ever look sad with that face... the hardly talking for the rest of the day probably reinforced her idea of me being extremely sad about the situation...

That's what I thought. So, she was not wrong in assuming that she 'hurt' you and you did say that she is young and should think of just having fun right now.. All you have to do is work on your expressions when you say things, especially when people look you in the eyes and see what you really feel. Sometimes we have to practice a lot to prevent from being too open and vulnerable.

So, even though you stated that you did not want to hear it:
You're still young - give yourself time and patience.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Thanks for the help, I really appreciate it...
BUT, I still really want her back.
I know its just high school, and I am not going to get a long term relationship, but I want to be with her as long as I like her.
Its sounds a little selfish, but I feel she likes me back. The only reason she broke up with me is because she "didn't want to hurt me anymore." If I let her know my true feelings, and that I wasn't hurt by the incident with "John," then we can be together again.
Is it okay for me to just let her know how I feel?

Some of you are saying that I should just let her go, she's not worth it... I feel different, and I think she is worth it. I may sound like a crazy person, but I don't care.

I would love to hear your opinions on this. I would especially like to know Chery's opinion...

"You know I like you, so remember that and keep me in line if I overstep my place. Meanwhile, remember you can always rely on me and our friendship which I believe is most important of all. We don't need to be bf/gf but I think we both benefit from having good friends who understand each other. Don't you?"

Sure, you can tell her, but not as a play to get her back. You don't "convince" a girl to like you, she comes to it on her own because you're an awesome bloke.

Friend zone.
This, in my opinion, is the best answer to your most current question whether it's OK to let her know how you feel and want to keep the friendship.. What you do dear, is up to you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)Keep us posted. EDIT: What's important is that you don't bring up the past, no matter what, unless she does.

Thanks Chery, I will take the advice into consideration.

Please know that I really appreciate this advice, but the final decision is my own... I will do some thinking, and let you know what I finally decide to do. I may make a mistake, but I will definitely learn from the mistake. I think this is something that is best learned through expirience.

Please don't feel that I am NOT discounting your advice... it is very appreciated, has made me think more clearly, and I thank you.

My decision making process so far... PLEASE HELP, ADD ON YOUR IDEAS TO THE PRO/CON LIST
DO I...
Tell her I WASN'T really hurt by the incident with "John," and that I still like her. Tell her that there is no reason for her to feel so guilty, as I am not that hurt. Ask her if we can get back together...

PROS:
-She will know how I feel
-She could take me back, we could be together again (ABSOLUTE BEST CASE SCENARIO)
-Even if she turns me down, I feel we could still get along, be friends

CONS:
-She could turn me down
-I make myself vulnerable, put myself out there (I am usually a fairly quiet, nervous person)
-Her knowing I still like her could make future meetings between us awkward
-What if it makes the "friends" thing not work, because every time we talk it is awkward (ABSOLUTE WORST CASE SCENARIO)
-It could scare her away, push her further away, and make getting back together in the future less possible (Pretty bad)


This is what I have so far, please help, and contribute your ideas, it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

As of now, the "She could take me back" pro is a big one... Right now, my decision is to tell her I like her, and ask her back

Thanks Chery, I will take the advice into consideration.

Please know that I really appreciate this advice, but the final decision is my own... I will do some thinking, and let you know what I finally decide to do. I may make a mistake, but I will definitely learn from the mistake. I think this is something that is best learned through expirience.

Please don't feel that I am NOT discounting your advice... it is very appreciated, has made me think more clearly, and I thank you.



That's exactly what we expect you to do. Make your own decisions, mistakes and gain your experiences. That's our mission here. We just advise from our collective experience and let you do the rest.

Good luck dear.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)Welcome.

My decision making process so far... PLEASE HELP, ADD ON YOUR IDEAS TO THE PRO/CON LIST
DO I...
Tell her I WASN'T really hurt by the incident with "John," and that I still like her. Tell her that there is no reason for her to feel so guilty, as I am not that hurt. Ask her if we can get back together... NOPE, I wouldn't bring up the past at all!

PROS:
-She will know how I feel
-She could take me back, we could be together again (ABSOLUTE BEST CASE SCENARIO)
-Even if she turns me down, I feel we could still get along, be friends

CONS:
-She could turn me down
-I make myself vulnerable, put myself out there (I am usually a fairly quiet, nervous person)
-Her knowing I still like her could make future meetings between us awkward
-What if it makes the "friends" thing not work, becasue everytime we talk it is awkward (ABSOLUTE WORST CASE SCENARIO)
-It could scare her away, push her further away, and make getting back together in the future less possible (Pretty bad)
.... especially if you dwell on the past.

This is what I have so far, please help, and contribute your ideas, it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

As of now, the "She could take me back" pro is a big one... Right now, my decison is to tell her I like her, and ask her back

I would keep it plain and simple, tell her you'd like to maintain friendship and do fun things together, but go slow on the rest - you need to let that come naturally after she feels comfortable again.

But, again, what you do is up to you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

But I haven't yet even had the talk about why she broke up with me... Why is it so bad to bring up the past?

Sorry if these questions may seem obvious, but I am 16, and have little expirience with relationships.

But why not bring up the past? I need to have the talk for closure for myself too. (Sounds selfish, I know)

Here's my view on it.

If you are still 'talking' she already knows that you still like her and want to spend time with her.. and that you probably are no longer bothered by 'John'.

I consider that closure enough if she accepts your friendship and feel that you will only make her feel guilty and uncomfortable over again if YOU bring up that subject. If she wants to talk about it at all, she should be the one to bring it up, NOT you.

No matter what age, when someone insists on bringing up such issues knowing it could mess things up, they are showing traits of jealousy - and this, at your age, can wind up growing to become a major problem now and in your future and needs work on controlling it as it is a sign of insecurity on your part. If this dominates your thoughts, then you do have a potential problem with that dangerous 'green monster', and this, my dear is one of the biggest turn-offs for any female - no matter what age. It makes them feel you think you own them and that's not a good start.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about in this as I was married to a spouse abuser. Why do you think there are so many men out there who beat their partners.. it's insecurity, need for control, and above all jealousy.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)It's never too early or too late to be aware of potential danger within ourselves.

One of the reasons I tell people to stop contact, is to let the emotional dust settle, and not make your thought, words, and actions, be based on those emotions alone, but on facts, and some clear headed logic. Over the years, this has been a good course of action not just for relationships, but also for life. It gives you a chance to cope with yourself. That's my advice. There is no hurry to get closure, answers, or anything else, but a good healthy perspective, of what lay before you. That will allow you to make a good decision for yourself, and not be confused about what to do.

I'm still a little cloudy on the issue...

If I bring it up, she will feel guilty again? Even if the reason I bring it up is to tell her that I am not hurt by it, and there is no reason for her to feel guilty. I mean, I know I can't tell her how to feel... but I can't bring it up at all?

I guess if I ever want her back, it is the friend zone...

I was trying to pick out the good points Chery has brought up, and chose the whole thing, and sorry, I had to spread the rep, but that was a darn good post.
She dumped you so let her be the one to explain or make up, bottom line, and let her friends tell her how much fun your having, as girls use friends like an army, to gather info, spread rumors, and protect each other. That's what's happening here, as if she wanted to talk she would have made it possible. Walk away with your dignity, and self respect, and place those doubts, and questions on the shelf, for later.

I'm still a little cloudy on the issue...

If I bring it up, she will feel guilty again? Even if the reason I bring it up is to tell her that I am not hurt by it, and there is no reason for her to feel guilty. I mean, I know I can't tell her how to feel... but I can't bring it up at all?

I guess if I ever want her back, it is the friend zone...

Yup, it is back to square one! Either that, or get off her chessboard. Take some time to seriously think this over - you want to open the door again, so forget about wanting 'closure' - that's meaningless in the stage of this relationship.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Good point,
And nice metaphor with the open door and 'closure', that is really nice, lol.

But in all seriousness I will think about it hard, or think more and longer. I have thought about it for 3 hours now (since I got home from school), and I have come to some conclusions, but I still have hours of thinking to go.

Thanks for the advice, and I will let you know my decisions, and how they go. I will keep you posted, and I'm sure I will be back with more questions.

That's exactly what we expect you to do. Make your own decisions, mistakes and gain your experiences. That's our mission here. We just advise from our collective experience and let you do the rest.

Good luck dear.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)Welcome.

Thank you

Okay,
After a few hours of hard thinking, I think I know what I am going to do.
I am going to go against some of the advice you provided me. Please don't take it as disrespect to you guys. I feel that I know the situation better than anyone else, so I can make the best decision.

After weighing the pros and cons, I think I am going to ASK to talk to her over lunch (privately) tomorrow. I am going to bring up the past (which I was advised against), and try to clarify why she broke up with me. If I think the issue/problem can be resolved, I will ask her to come back to me, not in a begging manor, but as a "lets give it another try" way (also advised against).

I don't expect her to come back though, and if I can't get her back now, then I don't know. I am in high school, and don't want to spend so much time waiting for her. If she doesn't want to get back together, we can move on, in our own directions, hopefully still being friends. I just need to get this situation over with, no matter the outcome. I think the situation as a whole is having more of an emotional impact on me than anything else.

So I thought I would let you know what I decided. Thanks for all the help guys, and I will let you know how it goes.

The plan:
Plan for tomorrows lunch:
(Prior to lunch)
-ask to talk to her (in privacy) about the break up.

(At lunch, IF she agrees to talk)
-Ask why she decided a break up was necessary
-Get to the real reason of the break up, identify what the problem was
-Attempt to resolve problem, clarify (Clairfy how I actually feel)
-Let her know I still like her
-If all goes well, ask her if we could get together again

THREE OUTCOMES/OPTIONS:
1-We get back together, live happily ever after (Best, but not expected)
2-Be good friends (Not the best, but I'd take it over option 3)
3-Go our own ways (Worst, but I can cope)

***I am ready for anything here. As I mentioned earlier, the place I am in now is not good for me at all. I think I want to move on, with or without her. I still really like her, and I want to get back with her, but if it doesn't work, then okay. I have a whole life ahead of me, and I won't let this get to me too much. I'm finally thinking logically, no longer emotionally. Thanks again guys, I'll keep you posted, and let you know how it goes tomorrow. Thanks again, you've all been great.

Opinions on my plan are welcome and appreciated, but I am not expecting a whole lot of people to agree with me and my decision. :) But you know what, this is the first time I've actually felt happy and in control in a while.

I personally think is either option 1 or option 3.

If it doesn't work out, option 2 probably won't happen because it will be too awkward between the two of you, and also it'll drain you to be around her, preventing you from moving on.

Okay.. a bit of a story here, but please help me.

I am 16 years old in grade 10 in highschool. My ex is 15, also in grade 10. (There is only 2 months age difference).

Some background on my ex girlfriend:
She was in a relationship with a guy, "John" for 4 months. She knew this guy since birth, and they have been friends for life. John is 20 years old.

Then I came in, and she broke up with him for me. (NOTE: This was her decision. I did not even ask her out until about 2 weeks after she broke up with "John.")

So I went out with her, for about 2 weeks, hardly anytime at all :(.

She decided to go out with her ex one day as friends. She says she wants to be friends with him still, which I understand. Don't forget that this guy has been in her life as a friend for 15 years.

So she goes out with him one night (I figured this out the day after.) I also figured out that he kissed her. She told me this, and she told me she backed away, and got mad, and stopped it right away. I didn't react to much because she told me, and I trust her. This guy has also been sending her love letter, begging her to go back to him, so I wasn't suprised when he tried something like that.

A day after she tells me about the incident between her and "John," we see eachother in school. It is a normal day, but she has been quiet, and avoiding me since the incident between her and "John."

The school day is over now, and I am walking home. I get a text message, "we have to talk." This happens 30 minutes after a fairly normal day of seeing her. In the end, she calls me that night, and dumps me. I ask why, and she says she feels guilty about what she did with "John." She says the way I looked really broken when I figured out he kissed her. And she says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so she broke up with me.

I saw her the next day in school, and we talked like nothing ever happened. I wanted to talk about the break up, and she knows that. I didn't want to talk about it in the middle of my english class though. So we were supposed to talk at lunch, she was "busy." We were supposed to talk after school, she was "busy." I aksed if we could meet over the weekend and talk but, you guessed it, "busy."

SO,
Does anybody have any idea of what may have happened? And how do I get her back?

Please don't tell me i am young, and have a whole life. I want her back now. Please help.

I should also point out that she really is annoyed by "John" and I am 99% positive she wouldn't go back to him. He wants 2 kids, and marriage. The girl only wants some fun, and a person to support her. She is, after all, only in highschool. And John is in University.

So what happend? and how do I get her back?

Thanks for reading my novel of a story, and thanks for the help.
-J
You really should talk about the breakup. If you can't talk about it then it'll be hard for both of you to move on as friends. Get her to really be honest about the breakup so both of you can have a good friendship and hopefully have that friendship grow into something more. I agree with mulholland, be very careful about doing the whole close friendship thing, a lot of girls worry about ruining a friendship. Take it easy don't be too pushy, be there for her when she needs you, and really work on having a good conversation about the breakup. Good luck, oh yeah by the way thanks for the advice you gave me, I appreciate it

I'm having that talk tomorrow:)... we'll see how it goes. I was looking over the thread, and I was noticing how differently I was thinking at the beginning as compared to now. It's a little funny, anyway, I'm checking out now until tomorrow after school, and after 'the talk.' I'll let you know how it goes, or if it happens at all.

And thanks for your advice too, thinkinabouthim.

I'm having that talk tomorrow:)... we'll see how it goes.


Definitely good luck with that talk, I'm sure it'll be fine

Okay, I come to you with disappointing news...
I didn't have the talk today. I couldn't figure out how to ask her to talk.
There was a moment where my friend who sits near me in English class (class before lunch) asked me what I am doing for lunch. I couldn't say something like "I want to talk to my ex about why we broke up," with my ex right beside me (she not knowing my intentions to talk to her that day). It was awkward for a moment, but I ended up going to lunch with my buds.

It was a fairly good day though, because she and I were close for the day, and we got along well. She laughs at my jokes, and seems happy to be around me.

But, I think I may be messing up, big time. You know how you said not to give her extra attention (I agree with that advice)... well, I think I may be doing just that.
My friends would bother me, in a way tease me that I had a girlfriend, it was all fun though. I haven't had a girlfriend for a while, so it was a surprise to some that I actually had a girlfriend. So, one of them said to me today, "are you just telling us you two broke up just so we won't tease you anymore?" At this moment, I realized not much has changed since the break up. We talk the same, act the same, its like we're still dating. We just aren't "affectionate" anymore, and I don't go out with her after school.
The relationship hasn't changed much, and we see each other for 4 hours a day.

So, three questions:

1. First of all, how do I treat the situation with attention giving?

2. How do I ask her to talk? (What do I say, i.e "Could we talk at lunch today?")

3. How do I ask her to give our relationship another try? (I couldn't figure out what I could say, I can't just say, "lets give it another try." I need something more intellectual... )

1. First of all, how do I treat the situation with attention giving?
Well since your in friendzone, be friendly, and focus on other things beside her as I know you see her as your best friend, but she isn't your only one. There may be a few who you haven't connected with in a while.
2. How do I ask her to talk? (What do I say, i.e "Could we talk at lunch today?")
Leave it for when your sure of what you want to say.
3. How do I ask her to give our relationship another try? (I couldn't figure out what I could say, I can't just say, "lets give it another try." I need something more intellectual... )
Take a week and think about it.

For crying out loud dude! Don't you realize that you are talking already and on the way to renewing the FRIENDSHIP? That was your initial plan, wasn't it. She does not avoid you and laughs at your jokes.

If you expect more, i.e an explanation or apology from her for breaking up or talking to John... FORGET IT!
Forget about 'that talk' altogether.

As for asking straight out to give the relationship more affection - hey, slow down, give her a chance to breathe and let her make the moves - no matter how long it takes. Accept that she does feel comfortable around you again and that you have the feeling of dating. The rest will come in due time if you handle it right.

Friendship means meeting half-way and having fun during the time together. You will jeopardize what you have now by pushing for more...

What do you mean by more 'intellectual'? You are a teen, doing teen things, and still learning how to cope with that. So, stop trying to be a professor or analyst. What you need is some simple MATURITY here and you are getting it from the best site on the net, but you are not listening - that's your choice.

So, do it your way and let us know the outcome... I already know how it will develop if you stay stubbornly on your way in a hurry.

Another thing - who cares what your buddies think about you and personal relationships? You should learn how to keep buddy time and possible girlfriend time in perspective and believe me, they are not the same and surely not subjects for 'group gossip'. Doing stuff like that is disrespectful to any girl you date now and in the future.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_19_1.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)Am I wasting my time here? If so, please let me know because I do have better things to do with the time I have left. I care, but hate bumping into walls.

I have my mind made up. You're right when you say I'm stubborn. I am. I think it is best that I have the talk, and sort things out.

And I don't think you are bumping into walls here, but if you feel that way, I'm sorry. And I don't think you are wasting time. You are giving advice, I'm taking it into consideration, and I am making a decision based on the advice I receive, as well as what I think of the situation.


Make your own decisions, mistakes and gain your experiences. That's our mission here. We just advise from our collective experience and let you do the rest.

Okay, so I am back for more advice…
Here is the link for the last thread (relates to this one) – https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/want-ex-back-219330.html

So, I decided to have 'the talk' with her against your advice. Again, sorry if that offended any of you, but I felt I had to do it. So we had the talk, and we learned a lot about the situation. She learned how I really felt about the situation with 'John'. I learned why she broke up with me. She is going to be gone for 4 weeks in the summer, and another 2 later on. She says she doesn't want to start a relationship with me when she is going to be gone for just about the entire summer break. Oh yeah, and another thing, 'John' is suicidal. One night, when I was with her, she figured out that he tried to kill himself. 'Johns' friend found him, and saved his life.
John has been in counseling for months before, but he recently stopped, and this is what happens.
Anyway, John basically told her that if she didn't go back to him, that he would kill himself. (If you knew this guy, you would know that it is not past him to do something like this.) So she is going to go back to him. She tells me that her plan is to be a b**ch to him so that he breaks up with her. We all talked to him in an intervention setting, but the guy won't go to counseling, or give up on this girl. So the plan, we think, is best. (She told me her plan from the beginning, and she rants to me, and I give her moral support.) I am still a good friend in her life, and I'm there for her when she need me, i.e with her suicidal ex. I am following the 'friend zone' advice here, and I think it is working.
I went into the talk ready to ask for her to come back to me, but after hearing this, I didn't. She has enough crap to deal with in her life, me saying I want her back would just make her life that much more confusing. What to do with this guy would be a good question for a physiological thread, but my question is what do I do here.

Should I ask her if there is any chance of us getting back together after this 'John' thing, and after she gets back from her vacation? Or do I just let it play out, and see what happens? Maybe ask her back after all this is over, if I still feel I want to?

Right now, I am leaning towards letting things play out, and see what happens. If I still love her when all this is over, then I will ask her to come back, if not, then I move on.
What are your opinions/ recommendations?

Right now, I am leaning towards letting things play out, and see what happens. If I still love her when all this is over, then I will ask her to come back, if not, then I move on.Sounds like you've got a plan. That's as honest and open-minded as anyone here can expect.

You sound level headed and are right on track with what YOU want to do. Like JB said, sounds like you've got a plan and that's awesome.

Just be ready for anything, jrsg.

-Sik

Thanks JB, and Sik.
So you guys think it is a good plan?

But it is a seriously screwed up situation for a person to be in... Part of me just laughs at it, how messed it is.

And I am ready for anything. I am ready to let her go, (but still keep her as a friend.) She seems like she still likes me, so I think it will be my decision. At the beginning of the break up, I was really broken inside... I wanted her back sooo badly. Now, I'm just thinking I don't need this. I am in grade 10, 16 years old. I am all for trying again, but if it doesn't work out, then life goes on.

Look, we could be TOTALLY honest and tell you the "drama" is ridiculous and you should move on. We're all thinking that. But we're pragmatic here. We know love doesn't rule all, but it does come into play. You care for her and are willing to wait this out. That's fair.

I don't know that I would counsel you to wait around, but your plan indicates your still open to anything else life might offer in the meantime. If that's true, then you're doing fine. Just REALLY stay open to other things.

I'd hate to ever learn you missed out on a couple of Mrs. Awesomes while pandering to this situation.

Very true, JB. Thanks

Okay, I was thinking (never good) and I am confuseddd... as always.

Anyway, I think she still likes me... Some examples: We danced and the last school dance, we are partners on a tech project, we still talk, etc. So do I let her know I still like her now, even with what is happening between her and 'John'? Remember that she is just going to go out with John, be a b**ch to him so he dumps her. She really doesn't want to go out with this guy (she says), she also doesn't want him to kill himself. I think we could get back together after this whole John thing, but I need some advice.

I know I have my plan, but I just want some outside opinions, and advice.
And give me something besides, "The drama is too much, let her go." Please. Thank you.

I am 16 years old, in high school.
It has been 3 weeks since I broke up with my girlfriend. We are all good now, and actually good friends. We only went out for two weeks, and didn't get too intimate, so we were able to go back to being friends pretty easily.

Anyway, something weird is happening. When we dated, we talked about a lot of things, including drug use. She had gone through a phase about a year ago where she smoked, abused alcohol, and did drugs. I had never done drugs, smoked, or got drunk. So, we made a deal that she would never do those things again, and I would never try them. Now that I we have broke up, she has actually told me to try these things. She said that "I should try getting high it at least once."

Today in class, I was talking to her. I was talking about how I went out to lunch with a few friends. They got high (marijuana), and I didn't. She asked me if I got high. I said no, as I didn't. She replied "why not, whats stopping you." I looked at her for a second (still confused) and laughed a bit and said "my will power."

So, what I am wondering here is why is she doing this? Why would she change her opinion on what I do so drastically? I could see if she said to me, "I don't care if you do drugs anymore." But she is going to the extreme opposite of her original opinion, and say I should do drugs.

This is sooo confusing, and some input would be very appreciated. Thanks, and thanks for all the help you guys have provided me with in the past.

***And don't worry, I'm not going to fall into peer pressure, and do drugs. BUT WHAT IS MY EX GIRLFRIEND DOING!?

This one's easy.

"Misery loves company."
-- John Ray

Your ex is doing things she knows she shouldn't. The more people she gets to do it, too, the less it feels wrong.

You're smarter than that. Leave her to her miserable friends.

She used to do drugs. She doesn't do drugs, nor does she want to do them. And the friends that get into drugs are my friends.

So, why does she encourage me to do drugs?

I think she is only telling you that she isn't doing them, but is anyway. And if she doesn't want to do them then she shouldn't be wanting you to do them like Jbeaucaire said misery loves company, and you should be proud of yourself for having the strong willpower to say no... stay away from her or at least let her know how you feel about the situation. There needs to be more teens like you in the world! :)

But I am positive that she doesn't do drugs. The crowd she hangs out with doesn't do drugs, and she doesn't have any druggie friends. She is a very church going, academic oriented girl. I am 100% positive that she doesn't do drugs.

I should point out that she doesn't beg me to do drugs, or anything like that. She tried to convince me to try it one time, and that was when another one of my friends was trying to make me do it. She joined in and asked me to do it. The only other time she brought it up is when I told her about my friends getting high at lunch. So only twice has she asked me to try drugs.

She isn't the type of person to try to get anyone into anything negative... But she tries to get me to do it. I think it has something to do with the pact we made while we were dating. Maybe she feels she was controlling? I don't know. What I do know is that she doesn't do drugs herself. So what else could it be?



there needs to be more teens like you in the world! :)
Thanks, lol. :), there are some

OK, if she was doing it, too, it would make more sense. If she is NOT, but encouraging you to do it, then churchgoer or not, what she did is FAR more sinister.

To entice others into bad situations you won't do yourself, that's borderline psychotic. The only thing worse would be to hear she would be there to watch your descent into badness... spectating.

I think there's a bad side to this churchgoing gal you'd be best to avoid.

Thy devils name is women!
I will definitely talk to her about it next time I see her. But I won't do drugs, its something I have decided, and stuck to. I'm going into my 3rd year of high school and still no drug use, so I am not going to start now. I am and always will be drug free.

I just hope she has a more sensible, normal, sane reason for encouraging me to do drugs.

Thanks for the advice guys, even though I didn't want to hear what I got. I think it may have opened my eyes a bit though.

Your ex is a loser who would want to do that its not cool!! It doesn't make you cool it doesn't make you popular sometimes if you have friends you got to walk away you know that is not good tell your ex it is a bad thing! Its horrible for you its makes you die your ex probebly is just going through hard times and just wants to get high people do this most of them teens but don't start doing this at the age of 16 ay age don't do it its ruins your body and turns you into something your not.

Hi Jay,
Ok... interesting situation here.
Maybe when you were dating, she thought of you as someone to rely on, and needed you as a positive influence to help shield her from her own urges. Now that you've broken up, she doesn't need to shelter you in order for you to shelter her.
... And I phrased that badly.
She no longer needs to be her rock, so no longer needs you to be pure. So she treats you as she would her other friends. Maybe she doesn't think trying drugs once will hurt you (although it can) and just wants you to have the experience... maybe she just doesn't care.
In my experience, anyone who tries to pressure you into trying these things just wants you to share the experience. There isn't necessarily a sinister motive, she might just be naively wanting you to experience what she's experienced. Not that it should be encouraged, but it doesn't necessarily make her a devil woman.
Though admittedly I've never met her. She might be.

All the best to you. I'm glad you're not going to give in to stupid pressures.

Kal

Hi Jay,
Ok... interesting situation here.
Maybe when you were dating, she thought of you as someone to rely on, and needed you as a positive influence to help shield her from her own urges. Now that you've broken up, she doesn't need to shelter you in order for you to shelter her.
... And I phrased that badly.
She no longer needs to be her rock, so no longer needs you to be pure. So she treats you as she would her other friends. Maybe she doesn't think trying drugs once will hurt you (although it can) and just wants you to have the experience... maybe she just doesn't care.
In my experience, anyone who tries to pressure you into trying these things just wants you to share the experience. There isn't necessarily a sinister motive, she might just be naively wanting you to experience what she's experienced. Not that it should be encouraged, but it doesn't necessarily make her a devil woman.
Though admittedly I've never met her. She might be.

All the best to you. I'm glad you're not going to give in to stupid pressures.

Kal

That's a good points, and you phrased it wonderfully.

And when I said, "Thy devils name is women", I was just joking. It's a little stressful, so I enjoy a little comic relief. :) She is a really nice girl, and I just want to get to the bottom of why she is asking this. I truly don't believe she has a sinister reason either.

I'm just confused as to why she changed her views on me and drugs so drastically. And she doesn't pressure anybody into doing drugs, its really just me.
I could understand if she just said she doesn't care if I do drugs or not, but for her to tell me to do them is soooo not her.

I know you are adamantly against it, but I must also mention that my first thought is that she was doing drugs. Why else would her views change so drastically..

It sounds like an overall bad situation for you in any case, I think you should stay away from this girl. It isn't someone you need in your life. I commend you on staying drug and alcohol free, but if that is really what you want, why do you want to be around people who are going to try to entice you otherwise??

Stay away from her, find some friends who will treat you like a friend.

This follows the "I want my ex back" series of questions that I've been posting on this forum.
First of all, to really know everything, please check out the following threads:
-https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/want-ex-back-219330.html
-https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/back-more-want-ex-back-224194.html
But, I will shorten the story to make this a little quicker. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this, and to offer their help to me.

A little background info first. I am 16, in grade 10 of high school. I met this girl and school, and over about 2 months, we got to know each other. She had a boyfriend. She dumped her boyfriend for me (she made the decision, I didn't even know she liked me this way at that moment). When I found out she was single, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes, and we had a great relationship. The relationsip lasted 2 weeks. One day, I was talking to her. She tells me that the day before, she went out with her ex boyfriend. He kissed her. She got mad, and told him to back off. I said it was okay, thanks for telling me. I let her know I was upset, but I can still trust her. She says to me and all her friends that she doesn't love her ex anymore. A day later, she broke up with me, saying that she didn't want to put me through all this drama. I agreed with the break up, and went along with it, although I really disagreed inside.

I asked for help on this forum, and I received all kinds of great help. One of the pieces of advice was to enter the, "friend zone." I wanted to talk to her, and I was in a rush. I ended up taking the advice, and just doing the "friend zone." I did have a talk with her about why she broke up with me, but I didn't ask to get back together at that point.

So, it is now 3 weeks later. I have been doing the "friend zone." She talks to me about everything. She talks about her ex. She tells me perosnal things. We have a really good relationship. I think the "friend zone" is working, but I'm never good a recognizing signs.

So, these are some of the reasons that lead me to believe that she still likes me. We talk. She danced with me at the last school dance. She asked to work on a tech project, I said yes. She pokes me in a flirty way sometimes. She had a spare period in school today (didn't have to be in her class), so she came over to my class. She was bored on Friday night, at a church event, so she called and we talked for about 20 minutes.

She also does other things that favor another idea, that she doesn't like me. We have not done anything outside of school together since the break up (I haven't asked, nor has she). We hang out at lunch sometimes, to work on the tech project, but not much work is usually done. We just hang out and talk a bit, so I sometimes think she is just trying to find an excuse to talk to me.

Thanks for all the great help and advice you guys have provided me with, but I need more.
So, it may just be wishful thinking, but does she like me once again?

2 weeks is a short time to tell you the truth and you are quite young as well. If it were me in your shoes I would probably go with the flow as of right now because from remembering my experience in high school, people are trying to figure themselves out right now. She is showing signs of flirting with you however the closer you get to her the better as she already knows you like her.

My judgement: Go with the flow.

Thanks for the advice.
When you say "the closer to her you get, the better," do you mean that I should try to spend more time with her? Should I ask to do something out of school, like we used to? I agree with you that I should 'go with the flow,' but should I try to take it further, or should I let her make the steps?

And are you sure she knows I still like her? I am a good actor, and I was pretending that I couldn't care less about our relationship after we broke up, even though I was dying inside every time I talked to her. And like you said, 2 weeks wasn't long, so maybe she think I've just brushed her off my shoulder. So, she may not know that I still like her. I don't think I should outright tell her I still like her, but is there a way to let her know I still like her implicitly?

Just keep it up. If it's going to happen, she has to come to YOU. And even then you have to play a little coy. "I don't want to risk our friendship...are you sure?"

The friend zone means you're in the game, just make sure you are a REAL friend. There is always the possibility she won't go for you again, and in that case you need to be OK, too.

Just keep it up. If it's going to happen, she has to come to YOU. And even then you have to play a little coy. "I don't want to risk our friendship...are you sure?"

The friend zone means you're in the game, just make sure you are a REAL friend. There is always the possibility she won't go for you again, and in that case you need to be ok, too.

I just want to have any relationship with this girl. The friendship we have now is great. I just want more. I know it sounds selfish, but its true. If she doesn't want to be in an intimate relationship with me, that's fine. We can stay friends.

She is at least someone I can trust, and I am someone she can confide in still. I didn't have a friend I could do that with before. Some of the stuff she has told me has been shocking, but she comes to me for support which is great. So, to have her friendship means a lot to me. But, I still want a romantic relationship with this girl.

So are you guys saying I am doing all I can do?
And, I have to let her make the first move?

And my other question remains:
Is there anyway to make sure she knows that I still love her? That is without saying to her face, "I still love you."

Sure she likes you as a friend, but you want more, and who knows if she will change her mind. You do yourself a big disservice, though hanging out as a friend when you have a hidden agenda. Hopefully you'll see this for yourself and broaden your circle of friends and activities, and not focus so much on her, but into balancing your own life without her.

At this point any overture on your part for anything other than friendship, will push her away. The fact your always available as her friend, will surely keep you in the friend zone.

Good decision to stay drug free.

I won't speculate and assume what her motives are for telling you to try drugs once, nor should you assume either.

Just ask her what she mean't.

You know what Talaniman, that is not what I want to hear. However, I have to admit, it does sound more logical and realistic than my ideas.

Thanks for the advice.

So, I am basically reviewing my last relationship. As many of you may know, I want my ex back. I am reviewing it to hopefully solve the problem and get back together, or at least learn from mistakes made in the relationship.

So,
One day (I am in highschool), my girlfriend tells me that she wants to talk after class. I'm worrying through the whole class, thinking "is she going to break up with me" and "Is it over all ready?" I was so worried. I convinced myself that it was over. I even gave myself the "theres more fish in the sea" speech, lol.

So class ends, and we talk. She says that her ex kissed her. She pushed him away immediately, and got mad at him for it. She said she felt guilty for doing it.

Me, thinking she was going to break up with me, was relieved. I was happy that she didn't break up with me. So, I smiled when she told me. There is where I think I made the mistake.

I think the reaction she was looking for was me to say "HE DID WHAT! THAT MOTHERFU**ER! I AM GOING TO KILL THAT ASSH**E! WHAT THE FU**!? Instead, I was happy, and I actually laughed a bit. So, I think that I made her feel like I didn't really want her by doing this.

So, did I screw up there? How does a girl expect you to react to something like that?

Thanks

You forgot to tell us what her reaction to your smile was. Did she get up and leave? Was the 'talk' over? Do you have plans to see each other again soon?

Just like you let your mind wonder in class, you are getting way ahead of yourself again. Never try to second-guess a girl because if you don't talk to each other you don't know what she is thinking...

You are just starting on life and learning about dating and how to react... so this is the time when couples talk to each other to find out how they feel about things. If you have doubts, fears, any questions for that matter - you should be talking about them with each other. I'm 57 and still don't know how to read minds - and I will not even try to second-guess another person because it does nothing but create undue stress. The best thing to do is talk, talk, about anything and everything under the sun - with the person involved - that's the only way to learn.

Something was bothering her so she talked to you about it to get it off her chest.. and she was probably just as scared of your response as you might be by asking her if you reacted wrongly.

Next time you see her, give her a hug and be normal and plan some fun together. You don't have to be a brute towards the other guy, she defended herself and just told you about it. Let her know you still care for her and that her past is not going to get in the way of you two getting closer and learning more about each other.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Okay, so I had a girlfriend. We stayed together for an amazing long-term relationship of 2 weeks long!

The reason we broke up is not quite clear yet, but it has something t do with the fact that her ex kissed her during our relationship. She broke up with me because she knew it was the beginning of a long issue, one that she didn't think I could handle.

Her ex is mentally unstable. He tried to kill himself when she broke up with him. He said ot her that if she didn't go back to him, that he would kill himself. She went back to him. She is now trying to be a bi**h to him to get him dump her.

So, she thinks he is going to dump her soon.

Today, I saw her. We studied for an english exam coming up. We also talked. We talked about what is happening with her and that crazy suicidal ex. She said that she thinks he is going to dump her soon. She also pointed out that the reason she broke up with me was because of this problem. She also says that the problem is going to be over soon.

Do I take this as a hint that we could be getting back together? I don't think she will come to me, because she thinks I am over her, and that I have moved on (I really havent). So, do I let her know how I feel? That I still love her?
What I want to tell her is, "I still love you. Once all this stuff is over, would you like to try a relationship again?"

I really want to get back together with her. So, what do you think of my idea to let her know how I feel?


Another thing: If I ask that, everything will end, whatever the outcome. She will either say yes, or no. If she says yes, than great, I got her back. If she says no, then I know for sure that this is all over, and I can move on. So, I think I should definitely ask the question.
What do you think?

Thanks, and thank you for all the help you have provided me with in the past.

You forgot to tell us what her reaction to your smile was. Did she get up and leave? Was the 'talk' over? Do you have plans to see each other again soon?

Just like you let your mind wonder in class, you are getting way ahead of yourself again. Never try to second-guess a girl because if you don't talk to each other you don't know what she is thinking....

You are just starting out on life and learning about dating and how to react... so this is the time when couples talk to each other to find out how they feel about things. If you have doubts, fears, any questions for that matter - you should be talking about them with each other. I'm 57 and still don't know how to read minds - and I will not even try to second-guess another person because it does nothing but create undue stress. The best thing to do is talk, talk, about anything and everything under the sun - with the person involved - that's the only way to learn.

Something was bothering her so she talked to you about it to get it off her chest.. and she was probably just as scared of your response as you might be by asking her if you reacted wrongly.

Next time you see her, give her a hug and be normal and plan some fun together. You don't have to be a brute towards the other guy, she defended herself and just told you about it. Let her know you still care for her and that her past is not going to get in the way of you two getting closer and learning more about each other.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
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Thanks, and from the fact that you said "the talk" in your response, I assume you remember all the posts you helped me with before. That really does mean a lot to me, and thanks for that.

Anyway, she was shocked at how I handled it.

Today, when I was talking to her, she told me a story. She said that one of her exes from a year ago asked her out. She is currently dating another one of her exes. The guy she is currently dating got mad, and said to say to stay away from him. Then, she looked at me and yelled "THAT IS HOW A BOYFRIEND SHOULD REACT!"
I took that as a hint (LOL) that she wanted me to act more mad.

I need things to be pointed out to me. I am awful at recognizing signs of anything, including a break up.

But that is one of my major problems, is communicating. I guess now that it is either get her back or let her go, I have nothing to lose, right? I will ask her why we really broke up. I will ask about how she wanted me to react. I will let her know how I really felt and why.

I don't have plans, but I will see her soon anyway. Exam season in high school... I will ask if she wants to study for our history exam together, and I will talk with her then. I don't think I will hug her, because she does have a boyfriend right now (this relationship about to end, according to her). I still don't think I should hug her, but I will let her know how I feel.

What should I say, or how should I bring it up? I don't just want to come out and say, "I still love you." I am too nervous to say that. That could be that problem I have with communication I have though. But how t bring it up?


And, I just realized how awful I am with communication. When we had 'the talk,' I didn't ask what I wanted to know. I didn't even let her know I still liked her. Now that I am at an 'everything or nothing' place with her, I will ask what I want, and let her know how I feel. What do I have to lose, right?

OK, let's not create a new thread each time we need to 'talk'. I'm including the link to the other thread on the same issue - so you need to decide which one you want to stay with. That way, we don't need to jump back and forth.

I know you are confused right now, so I hope this makes it easier.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-act-when-228312.html (http://http//www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-act-when-228312.html)

I have two thoughts on this:

1. She really is concerned that this creep will kill himself and she's trying to make him break up with her. In that case, you can let her know that you'll support her and help if she needs it. Tell her you hope this turns out well for her but that she really is not responsible for him and his emotional instability and that she can advise him to seek professional help and not feel guilty towards him at all.

2. She is using him as an excuse to break with you. In that case, just be cool and enjoy your young life, find new friends, get a new girlfriend and be glad that you are rid of a person who needs one excuse after another to break with any guy - and not respect him enough to tell the truth.

As I said, two thoughts. And since you've only been together for two whole weeks, the pain of the break will not hurt as much and you will have learned a lesson. We all go through this at your age, many times in our lives, and we learn from each experience.

Welcome to the world of dating, learning and making mistakes - and living through it. You did not invest too much into this relationship, so it will not hurt too bad, but we will be here to listen to you when you need us and we'll help you any way we can.

Just stay with us and on one thread by just clicking 'answer this question' (orange box) in the upper left corner, to continue with your story as it goes along - and we will respond.

Good luck, and go out and have some fun to relieve the stress for now.

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That's a good idea, Chery. Sorry, I am just a little crazy and confused at the moment, I am not thinking straight.

So, I like your first suggestion, that I should let her know that I am there to support her. I have really already been supporting her through all this anyway. She uses me to rant to, and to ask for adivce, which I am happy to give. I really doubt she is using him as an excuse to dump me though. She usually tells the truth, and is brutally honest.

But, do I tell her I still love her? Do I have another 'talk' with her, but actually talk about all the issues this time?

And, you say this won't hurt much, since it only lasted two weeks. But let me tell you, its killing me right now. But, I don't have much expirience to compare to, so this is the worst I have felt about a break up before.

And please people, don't worry about me too much. I have had people tell me 'the worlds not over' and 'there are other fish in the sea' and things like that. Its like people think I am going to kill myself over a girl. I won't, so don't worry! I know I will probably go through tons of more relationships until I find 'the one'. It is hard now, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for the concern though. :)


But that question still remains:
Do I tell her I still love her? Do I have another 'talk' with her, but actually talk about all the issues this time? Should I ask if we can get back together after all this?

JR... if she expects every guy that goes out with her to be a 'jerk', she has a problem. And, I don't think that at your age and stage in life that you need to have a relationship with someone who carries baggage around with her.

Do you really want to act like a bully and command a girl around? Is that what all the girls around you expect? You might be infatuated with her, but it's way too early in your life to call it love. Love takes time to grow and be nurtured with care and communication, not within a two-week stormy period...

She's had more 'experience' (and in my opinion all bad) than you have with dating - if you want to call it that.. and in my heart, I don't believe you are the bully type.

You're right, you don't have anything to lose telling her how you feel, but can you really change your basic nature around just to please a girl who jumps from one guy to another and expects them to practically yell at her?? Maybe she does not know of any other way of being handled, but that's not being respectful at all. So, again, she's got baggage she needs to deal with before she 'spreads' the bully virus around to guys who want to get to know and respect girls instead of treating them like crap.

As I said in the other thread, this is a two week old 'relationship' - and you'd be better off saving yourself a lot of heartache with this one. Stay friends to study with if you want to, but I would find another girl with more self-respect.

Good luck dear, hope you understand what I mean.

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I know I don't love her yet. I haven't said "I love you" to her, it is waaay to early in a relationship to say, or I think feel that. I just use it in the thread to get my feelings across in the easiest way possible.

And I think I was right in how I reacted. She told me what happened, and I trust her. I trust that she did the right thing (backed away immediatly) and she would tell me anything that might happen in the future.

When I let her know that I still 'like' her, I will be sure to let her know my feelings about how I am 'supposed' to react.

And you're right, I am not the 'bully' type. I am the 'nice guy.' Maybe I am too trusting, because I have been screwed many times before. I just think every new girl deserves trust, and shouldn't have to worry about what the last g/f did wrong. I am the guy who wants to actually get to know a girl, and not just sleep with them.

I would rather have her as my girlfriend, but I will clear up a few things before I ask. I have heard many times to just 'move on.' I think that is a lot easier said than done. I know I like her now, so I want to be her boyfriend, and have her as my girlfriend.

So, I will talk to her.

Also, I am confident everything can be over after this talk. I am ready to accept that she may not want me back. I want her back, but after this talk, if I can't have her back, I can move on. I can at least then know that it is over for good. Then I can move on, and not always be thinking "can i get her back."

My plan (I've always got to have a plan)
-Tell her that I still like her
-Let her know how I really felt after the break up
-Let her know what I think is the reason she broke up with me
-Let her know that I think the way I reacted was right
-Ask if we could continue a relationship after the whole thing she is in now

So, do you think this is a good plan? And how do I initiate the talk?
Should I just tell her that "I want to talk about us." or what?

And thanks for the advice

If she can be brutally honest, so can you...

I would take her for a walk and start with: look, I'm not going to be the bully, that's not me, but I have a few things that I need to let you know... and then tell her how you feel and then ask her if she can deal with that. Plain and simple.

You did real good here and if you keep it in a neutral place when letting her know how you feel, you'll do just fine.
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Take it slow, and let us know how it went.

Then, she looked at me and yelled "THAT IS HOW A BOYFRIEND SHOULD REACT!"

You tell her in no uncertain terms if what she wants is a brute, then go back with the ex, and you leave her alone. The worst thing you can do is cave to her wishes to change into something that your not.

Stand up for yourself and be yourself, and if she doesn't like it, a more well adjusted female will. She will not respect you, if you don't respect yourself, and it's a waste of time to think she will appreciate you for who you are, as she hasn't yet.

I will stand up for myself. Maybe that's what she was looking for. Not for me to kill anyone who tries to take her away from me, but to stand up for myself. I can be a push-over sometimes, and she has told me to 'speak up' a lot.
Not that women are property, but maybe she just wanted to see me stand up for what's mine.

That makes much more sense (to me) and seems like something she would do...
Does that make sense to any of you? That she wants me to stand up for myself?


Wow, I have just learned a great lesson here. THANK YOU EVERYBODY!

If she can be brutally honest, so can you...

I would take her for a walk and start with: look, I'm not going to be the bully, that's not me, but I have a few things that I need to let you know... and then tell her how you feel and then ask her if she can deal with that. Plain and simple.

You did real good here and if you keep it in a neutral place when letting her know how you feel, you'll do just fine.
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Take it slow, and let us know how it went.

Thanks,
I definitely need to confront her about that. But, I don't know how... I would like to do what you suggested, but I don't know that I can.

What I want to do is tell her how I feel, and ask to get back together. If she wants to get back together, than great. If she doesn't want to, I may need a little time of NC, until I get over her. I have my last exam next Wednesday, so that is when I will confront her about all this. That way, I am not forced to see her anytime soon (Except summer school in 2 weeks, :eek: ). But, at least I can have that two weeks to learn that I can live without her. I still want to be friends, but I think NC would be best for me, at least for a little while. I also have a week of vacation in New York in that two weeks, which I am sure will help me get over her if I have to.

Although, I am pretty sure she would accept if I ask.
She did go back to that ex, but long story short, her ex attempted suicide - said to go back or he will kill himself - she went back - he is getting counselling, mental help from professionals - she is going to break up with him for good now that he can handle it.
So, she says she will break up with him on Sunday, when she sees him next.

The reason I think she will accept my request to get back together is because she has asked to 'study' with me for the upcoming exams for the past two days. We have spent the last two days with each other. And, she wants to see me on Saturday, and study with me on Sunday. But we usually end up just talking, not studying. Anyway, I think she may like me again.

So, same plan (as in post #6), new date:

Confrontation Day: Wednesday, June 25th.
Wish me luck, and I will talk to you guys, let you know how it went on Thursday!

Also, any helpful suggestions or tips I would really appreciate. I never was good with confrontation, and I would like some tips and advice.

Thanks

No way should you think of going along with such a cockamamee plan, as this is no way to handle a problem. Sorry but having only invested two weeks to find out things you need to know, is enough.

Sorry but this doesn't meet any test of love or logic, and maybe staying out of this is the better way to go.

Well,
We're back together!

Her ex is now Completely out of the picture. He even left the church they attended together to avoid each other. Its too bad it had to end that way for them, but it had to happen.

Me and her are back together, and I am hoping for a much longer relationship than 2 weeks this time aroun, lol.

I am happy!

Thanks to all you guys for your help and advice, I couldn't have done it without you. And Chery, for keeping up with all my posts, lol. Thanks guys

Laughing was probably not a good idea. You should tell her what it was that make you laugh.

Laughing was probably not a good idea. You should tell her what it was that make you laugh.

She knows why I was in a sense, relieved about the situation.
We're back together now, and we know exactly what happened and why we broke up.
Post 11!

Yeah!

Thanks for the advice though

Okay,
Well, we are back together now, which is great.
She is more affectionate than ever, and anytime she is around me and hugging, or in some wy touching me. I love it! But...
I constantly have a fear that she will break up with me. Is this normal? I'm trying to just enjoy the good times we have in the relationship, but that thought is always in the back of my head. I have analyzed the situation several times in my head, and she hasn't shown any signs of breaking up with me. Not to mention we haven't even been back together for 24hrs yet.

So, is it normal to have the feelings I have right now?
And is there a way to get rid of them?

Thanks for everything

She dumped him and came right back to you? She is lavishing you with love, affection, and attention?? Have you talked yet?? How long since she dumped him and came back to you?? Due I have many questions, this is only the start.

She went back to her ex. She did this because he said if she didn't, he would kill himself. She did, and she also got him help. He is now getting mental help, and support, so she dumped him for good.

That is the reason we broke up. Because of her crazy ex.

So, now that he is getting help, we can get back together.
We have always been like b/f /gf, just without the title (for the time that she 'dated' him). Now that we have the b/f g/f title again, she can show the affection she wants without feeling guilty or committed to this crazy ex.

Any other questions Talaniman? Please ask as many as you want so that you can give me the best advice possible. Ask away!

Dear jr.. I'm glad that my fears of her using him as an excuse to dump you were unfuonded.

It's also a plus for her that she talked him into getting mental health assistance. At least that shows caring on her part.

It is normal for you to feel fear of eventual loss... but please be realistic. Life has no guarantee whatsoever in that aspect for any of us. We have to trust, go with the flow and enjoy the time we spend together - quality time as well as the normal ups and downs that happen in everyday life. All you can expect is that she is as open with you as you are with her and you can talk about your fears with her - but don't make a habit of it or she will think your fears override other things you should be doing and thinking about.

All we can do is enjoy time spent together, respect each other and learn as much as we can about our partners and HOPE that the relationships lasts and grows. So, that means work on your part and her's. So, dear all I suggest is that you put your fear aside and work toward the good parts of life and relationship and hope for the best - that's all we humans can do.

Good luck dear and enjoy every day - more than that, none of us can expect.

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Constant fear of the unknown creates stress and prevents you from moving and planning forward - so just relax and enjoy the time together.

Thanks,
I will do that.

And thanks for all the help and advice, I probably would have ruined what relationship we could've had without you. I would have been calling her endlessly, trying to 'accidently' bump into her, and all that stuff. Thanks for guiding me.

Chery is so right about putting those fears aside, and using this time to enjoy each other, as you get to know each other better. A common mistake early on, is to finally have what you want, and stop doing what it took to get her in the first place. If you go slow, and have plenty of fun you will build a bond, and learn not only how to talk to her, but listen, and learn as well. Dedicate the next 6 months to having a ball, with someone whose company you enjoy, without stress, or any pressure on either of you.

Building relationships are hard work, but no reason you can't enjoy it.

A common mistake early on, is to finally have what you want, and stop doing what it took to get her in the first place.

I guess evrybody loves the chase. The complimenting of each other, and flirting kind of thing, etc. I guess once some couples get together, they feel like they've accomplished what they wanted... "now what?" they ask. I will be sure not to make that mistake. We are moving slowly, and will have to be away from each other for the next little while. I am going on vacation next week. Then, to weeks after I get back, she is going on vaction. So, there will be a little time away from each other. But, after that, it will hopefully be smooth sailing.


And I like the idea of no stress or pressure in a relationship.

So, in the mean time, I will enjoy my time with her. No pressure or stress to do anything. Just enjoying eachothers company.
Thanks

When my daughter was so in love with her now ex-husband, we went to Scottland on vacation. Good thing I had my tri-band cell-phone with me. They talked with each other every evening. She also kept a little diary of events and (naturally) how much she missed him. He did the same. When we got back they read each other's diaries and had a good time getting to know more about each other. I thought it was cute, and still think it's a good idea to 'write' to each other when apart. Unfortunately his 'diary' was more like a daily planner with not much emotion (she told me that later after she divorced him) and she had expected a little more, but thought he was 'the one'. But he was not and her life went on..

Her current partner and daddy of my grandson is in the military and has to go to the 'field' a lot each year. He calls her every two days and they write little diaries and read them together when he gets back home. He is more communicative and gets personal and complimentary - tells her what he misses most. And, now there is even more for him to read because he also gets and update of what his son has been up to while daddy has been away. My grandson is almost two years old and they still have that 'spark' and plan on getting married soon.

So, you never know what the power of words and communication can do even when your partner is not there...

Give it a try - it might surprise you both.

Again, good luck, and have a great vacation.

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Wow, thank you.
Yeah... I planned on calling her and e-mail, but I never even thought of the diary idea. I will definitely bring up the idea to her. That kind of communication is much more personal.

Thanks for the suggestion, I will definitely do that.

My vacation is only a week, off to New York.
Hers is 4 weeks in British Columbia! That will be a long time and a lot of calls and emails, lol.
But that diary idea is a good idea, and I will see if she likes the idea (I'm sure she will).

Thanks again

So, me and my girlfriend are looking for things to do out as a date.
We are stuck at home, watching TV and talking.

I am 16, and living in suburban Toronto. So, no drinking (i.e night at a bar), no driving anywhere, although public transit. I will be in summer school with her, so we can study together.

So, anybody got any ideas? WHAT TO DO!!
Please help before we break up of boredom...

Please, something besides the movies, lol.

Thanks

Hey,
While I'm on vacation, she is going up to the cottage with her best friend.
Up there, they kind of rough it... no phones, email, or any electricity really.
So, we can't even talk on the phone, or email.

We wrote notes to each other to open while we are on vacation. That will be nice :).
Thanks for the idea!

You are welcome hon.

I can just imagine being out in the 'wild' and writing down the experiences... I'm sure you'll enjoy the stories she will have to tell (write).. at least you'll know how much nature she likes from then on. Maybe you two can plan a vacation together just camping out some weekend when you are closer.. already an idea to think about.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/7/7_2_211.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_13_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Volunteer together at local churches over the summer doing VBS for kids... they always need leaders and it's ALWAYS a blast.

City Hike. Walk to someplace you normally drive to. Instead of a 1 hour outing it becomes an all-day adventure... yes, even to see a movie!

Go to your community centers and sign up for some activities together.

Take a karate class together.

Take a line-dancing class together.

Are there local museums/art shows/concerts?

Date things I've done...

-zoo
-safari (if there's one near you)
-mall scavenger hunt (loser buys dinner... it's cheesy, but some girls really get into it)
-mini golf
-arcade (again, loser buys dinner)
-aquarium
-botanical garden
-picnic at a local park
-go volunteer at a pet shelter for a day (girls love this)

Night dates:

-fondue house
-nice dinner
-karaoke
-art gallery
-grab dessert at a fancy dessert place

Play board games with a few friends, go to the pool together, go try something new,

There are MILLIONS of things to do, and if you're creative enough, you can do them for VERY LITTLE money.

Thanks, some really good suggestions there!
Any others?

-Living in suburbia really limits you to date ideas, but I can just get a bus and subway downtown when I'm REALLY desperate...

Thanks again

I like to do the following:
*beach
*roller skating
*aracade
*bowling
*go-go car riding
*play menture golf
*do puzzles, inclcuding cross words
*go to the pool

Hello,
So, I'm 3 weeks into a relationship, continued after a 2 week break. (Before that we had a short 2 week relationsip.
I know 3 weeks is short, but I still want to save the relationship, if saving is necessary.

My girlfriend seemed to be annoyed with me, even though she had no good reason (I've heard that is a big sign of a coming break up). In school, she seems to almost pull away from me. But, at my house, she is all over me. Not that she wants sex , but she likes to play around, kiss and things like that (remember I'm 16). But it is a little confusing.

She was over at my place for 3 days in a row, we were with each other for almost all those 72 hours, (she went home to sleep). Now, the last 2 days, she hasn't. I will see what happens tomorrow. I don't think she is trying to avoid me. I'll see what happens tomorrow.

She also says I can be negative and that I complain a lot... Which I have noticed lately, that I do. I have tried looking on the positive side, and it works. I try to stay positive, and I am happier. My girlfriend also repsonds well to it, and I honestly believe that she enjoys being around me more.

I would like to ask her basically "Do you still like me" almost. But I don't want to put it that way. I think I am at least going to say that I know I have been negative and I have been complaining a lot, but I am trying to change that.

So, does this relationship need saving?
If it does, which should I do, other than stay positive around her?
AND, this is the big one. Do I let her know how I feel and what I think?

Thank you

First of all, this should have been posted in the Teens section because I feel there is more to a relationship than learning how to date and respect each other before taking it further. We all have to learn from the start somehow, and sometimes we take advice from those who are just as new at 'dating' and just as confused as how to communiate with and treat each other.

Second, is this the girl you were talking about that went - or is going on a vacation - and were asking what to do while you were away from each other?

By complaining and being negative - do you mean that you express your need to be around her all the time and that you fear that when she's gone, she will change her mind about wanting to get to know more about you? Hey, this happens to every teen who is just starting to date and learn how to communicate, trust, and express how much you'll miss her without sounding like a whining and clinging person. You need practice, and as you get to know each other, grow and talk about things without going overboard and gaining confidence, you will eventually get batter at it and more secure.

Let me tell you a secret - we girls have the same fears of making mistakes as you guys do, so just talk about it and reassure each other and most important you need to realize that things like this don't happen over night.

Take your time, relax... and even if this one does not work, you go on and get to know another one without making the same mistakes (i.e. being clingy and needy and needing to hear that she still 'likes' you).. and remember to treat them all with respect, just like you would like to be respected as a young man just learning how to work on a friendship or partnership.

Don't worry, you are not the only one, and those that think they know better at your age, are just as scared but don't want to admit it.

Good luck dear, stay with us and we will help as much as we can.

Also, remember that you don't have to start a new thread every time you want to talk to us.. just add to this by clicking on 'answer this question' and take it from there..

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Thanks for the reply, Chery.
And yes, this is that same girl. Thanks for remembering!

I think I am too 'clingy' but I don't know how to stop. I don't want to make it seem like I am ignoring her, but I know she needs time to herself. She sometimes just says she wants to be alone. Wow, I really am clingy... I am not mad at myself or anything, I know I am just learning this whole dating thing, but wow, am I ever clingy!
But how do I stop being so clingy? And any tips on how to say "I am going to miss you" without making it seem like I am whining or complaining?

And a technical question: Should I just continue from this thread, or move to the 'teens' section?

Thanks again

It's OK to stay here.. if management feels the need to move you, the will and we will find you no matter where you are.

Tips?
Well, you can start by asking her if she would like to go somewhere special with you when she comes back from her vacation - without having a sad face. Ask her if she likes going camping, swimming, bowling, etc.. And if it's OK to make some plans to do so for both of you when she returns.
Don't dwell on how much you are going to miss her - she already knows that - just tell her you would seriously be interested about reading reports of her 'adventures' because it will help you get to know her better. Also that you too will keep a journal and promise it will not be filled with sad stories about how terrible it was while she was gone - but that it will probably be filled with the things you anxiously would like to know about her such as her likes for different music, movies, food, etc - and add your tastes for the same.

This is a chance for you two to get to know each other and any means in doing so, even though apart is helpful.

You can also safely tell her you are new at this and ask her for any suggestion she has for making it easier for the both of you, remembering that she too is new at dating and you both have a lot to learn and that you might make mistakes but it's OK and that you won't feel hurt if you get some constructive criticism.

While you are with each other before she goes off to her vacation, find out what she thinks of things like piercings, tatoos, styles in clothes - and listen - you don't really need to add your opinion just yet, you'll have plenty of time to think and respond later - just as long as you listen and keep enjoying the sound of her voice and just generally being with her without getting clingy.. that's important. So, instead of staying in your room most of the time, go out and take some nice walks and enjoy the evening air and conversations.

If there is anything else I can help you with, just let me know and I will be glad to help you think of a few more things to help you over-ride the urge to get maudlin and clingy. The main thing is to be happy and enjoy the time that you do spend with her and don't make her feel guilty over something that she should not feel guilty about, OK... Just think of her smile and laugh, and how much you'll enjoy experiencing that again when she comes back. Don't complicate things..

Until next time.
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Been there, done that, so we'll get through this, I promise.

Wow, thank you! That really is great advice.

I will make the most of the next week and a half I have with her before her vacation. And there is a great amusmant park nearby that I haven't been to with her before. A perfect day trip for when she gets back!

Thanks again!

Relax, and never worry about being dumped, but always be thinking of having a good time, and do more than kiss so much your lips feel like rubber.

Balance the relationship, and keep your own life balanced with other things you enjoy, besides her.

Three days in a row, making out?? Rent a movie why don't cha! I don't care how hot she is, you don't hang up under a female that much until your married with kids.

Get out there and do some interesting things, as you get to know more than her lips, and hips. What's her favorite color??

And any tips on how to say "I am going to miss you" without making it seem like I am whining or complaining?


"Have fun, I'll miss you."

Relax, and never worry about being dumped, but always be thinking of having a good time, and do more than kiss so much your lips feel like rubber.

Balance the relationship, and keep your own life balanced with other things you enjoy, besides her.

Three days in a row, making out????? Rent a movie why dont cha!! I don't care how hot she is, you don't hang up under a female that much until your married with kids.

Get out there and do some interesting things, as you get to know more than her lips, and hips. Whats her favorite color????

Lol, thanks for giving it to me straight! But we only had one real make-out session of those three days! That's all! And my parents called us for dinner 5 minutes in, so it doesn't really count! Everything else was good ol' conversation.
AND HER FAVOURITE COLOURS PINK!

But, in all seriousness, you're right when you day I need balance in my life. I am starting with flying lessons in a week (getting my pilots licence!) so that will take up a big part of my life. And grade 11 of high school starts in a just over a month too. I also worry all the time, "is she going to break up with me?" I always ask myself. In the mean time, I will enjoy the time I have with her, and try not to forget my guy friends (something I tend to do).
"Bros before hoes" right?

Thanks for the advice!

Tal is right about being too physical too soon. Most young men think that if the sex (or petting) is great, the girl will want to come back for more..
But not all girls are like that. Some of us like to wait and get to know the real you before concentrating on just the romantic part. And some think that if there is just romance and not much of anything else, the guy has a one-track mind and that can be a turn-off too.

I know it sounds hard.. that's because it is! You just have to find a comfortable 'middle' and balance, like Tal said.

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We definitely aren't too physical too soon. It is a mistake that she has made before. Earlier in the year, she gave an 'oral favour' to a boyfriend in the second week of being together. She couldn't even look at him after that. We both know NOT to make that mistake! That was one of the first things she told me when we began dating. She wasn't going to make that mistake again. And I do't need that kind of thing anyway, remember? 16!!! Seeing as the furthest I have gone has been making out (and happy with that, for now) we had a good agreement there.

I recently went on vacation for a week. She was extremely excited to see me when I got back. Maybe what we need is to slow down a bit, NOT see each other every day, although that can get difficult seeing as we both go to the same school. But she will be away for 4 weeks! I don't know what will happen in that frame of time. We'll see though! Hopefully all goes well.

I'll keep you guys updated,
Thanks for all the advice

Four weeks is nothing compared to what will happen during the rest of your life. Just relax and don't think so negative all the time.

Also you and your buddies will often swing between 'men only' loyalty and noticing girls because that's part of growing up and experience at your age, so take things easy and don't adapt their attitude of 'bros before... ' - that sounds childish and disrespectful.

You can always talk to your dad too, he's been there, done that, and will probably feel proud that you include him in this important part of your life. Throw a few 'what if's' at him and he'll tell you about all those butterflies he had at your age.

Enjoy the summer!
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Hello,
So, I'm 3 weeks into a relationship, continued after a 2 week break. (Before that we had a short 2 week relationsip.
I know 3 weeks is short, but I still want to save the relationship, if saving is necassary.

My girlfriend seemed to be annoyed with me, even though she had no good reason (I've heard that is a big sign of a coming break up). In school, she seems to almost pull away from me. But, at my house, she is all over me. Not that she wants sex , but she likes to play around, kiss and things like that (remember I'm 16). But it is a little confusing.

She was over at my place for 3 days in a row, we were with each other for almost all those 72 hours, (she went home to sleep). Now, the last 2 days, she hasn't. I will see what happens tomorrow. I don't think she is trying to avoid me. I'll see what happens tomorrow.

She also says I can be negative and that I complain a lot... Which I have noticed lately, that I do. I have tried looking on the positive side, and it works. I try to stay positive, and I am happier. My girlfriend also repsonds well to it, and I honestly belive that she enjoys being around me more.

I would like to ask her basically "Do you still like me" almost. But I don't want to put it that way. I think I am at least going to say that I know I have been negative and I have been complaining a lot, but I am trying to change that.

So, does this relationship need saving?
If it does, which should I do, other than stay positive around her?
AND, this is the big one. Do I let her know how I feel and what I think?

Thank you
Well first, I am a girl and the thing that's most important is that we be understood. Start by understanding why she is acting the way she is. I have acted that way with some guy I dated back in college but that was because I dated him out of pity and I ended up breaking up with him and hurting him more than I imagined. So do not make assumptions. Talk to her. The relationship does need saving but don't push it. It is in a weak state and you have to keep a cool head. Think like an adult. I think she likes you but may be confused or maybe her friends are the one messing with her mind (thats explains why she pulls away from you at school) puhleeese reduce the making out. Making out with her does not tell how much you like her! Show her some respect and take her out, maybe to see a movie or just for pure fun. However if after all these her response is still muddled, then you have got to talk to her and break up with her. Tell her exactly how you feel. Don't mince words. Yes, break up with her. Tell her you've had enough and let her know you are hurting. Don't wait for her to break up with you. No good man deserves to be treated that way esp. one who sought to understand and be there like you've tried. She does not deserve you so move on.
TRY MENDING THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST IF IT Doesn't WOK THEN WALK AWAY!

Dear lilthechic..
I think you have not read all of the posts here to be updated on his progress and follow-up advice from others. It's usually a good idea to see the 'whole picture' before posting an answer. Under normal circumstances this might be good advice for some, but he's just a scared 16 year old who is new at dating and worries that her vacation will make her forget him. This does not need to happen, and even if it does, life goes on.

Nevertheless, welcome to the site and enjoy being here - we are one of the BEST!

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One thing for sure, as you grow you learn that life takes many twists, and turns, not all of them good. Your coping skills are being tested, and you must learn to deal with different situations, because you sure can't change them, but you can change yourself. We humans are complex, and females may perplex you, but the key is to know yourself, and love yourself, and not put any partner before yourself. Let none run you over, because you feel intensely for them.

Four weeks and you're this worried? Take time and stop and smell the roses. Life is a beautiful thing, I made the mistake of wrapping myself up in a girl when I was your age too. I spent my best high school years trying to cater to her, make her feel wanted and I missed out on a lot. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, but give it time to grow, relationships are like plants, they need "water" and love to grow. It takes time, it's not an over night process. I am glad you realize you don't need sex at 16 and making out is okay by your standards. You are a very mature young man and proof good guys are still in this world at that age. You also realize spending every day together isn't healthy, hats off to you man! There are adults that don't even realize that! Don't worry about if it will work or not, worry about making it worth the time you spent on it!

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

Some responses:

Chery: That "bros before ..." statement is just how I look at not letting a girl make me forget my friends. Not that they try to, I just don't want to lose my friends over a girl. A girl will someday be more important than my friends, but probably not at 16. And not one I've dated for only a month. I know the quote sounds childish and disrespectful, especially with the word "hoes" in it, but I don't mean it that way. The word just rhymes. I don't look at girls as 'hoes' or anything. I just don't want to forget who my friends are.

Lilthechic: I think Chery is right! I don't expect you AT ALL to read my several essay-like posts, lol. It would take a while; lots of stories. Thanks for the good intentions anyway!

Romefalls19: First of all, thank you for calling me mature, and "proof that there are still good guys in this world at this age." lol. I just learned that spending everyday together isn't healthy. I messed up my last relationship with that, I hope it didn't ruin this relationship. But, I have learned that lesson now. It is also a little tough, as we go to the same summer school! And, I know if this relationship doesn't work out, its not the end of the world. Thanks for the kind words and advice!


With all that done, an update with happened today.

I haven't seen her outside of school for 3 days. That is a lot, compared to our everyday thing we had going. After she saw me everyday for a while, I could feel our relationship getting weak. Now that we once again have our own lives outside of each other, we have more to talk about! Its great! I don't know how it will all turn out right now. I feel like we're just friends right now. It's like we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend right now, although the title is still there. That aside, the relationship has definitely improved over the last 48 hours. We'll see how everything turns out, and I will keep you all updated if you want to know how everything goes.
Next time I see her outside of school, I will talk to her about why she has been acting a little distant lately, and ask basically if there is anything I'm doing that she doesn't like. I will let her know that I am willing to work for the relationship, and ask her if she is willing to try as well. It sounds like a fairly personal conversation that I don't really want to have in school. Tomorrow is Friday, so we will probably go out somewhere outside school, I'll bring it up then.

The way I look at it, the conversation will go one of two ways:

1) She will say that we should try to continue the relationship (not seeing eachother everyday).

OR

2) She'll want to break up.


It all depends on how much effort she is willing to put into the relationship. And to be honest, if she doesn't want to work for it, neither do I. I 'like' her and all, but I don't want to be the only one working for the relationship. I really hope this works out for the best. I'll let you know how everything goes!

Thanks for the advice everyone! If there's anything else you think I should know, or anything else you want to say, Please speak up!

Thanks again everyone!
And thank you for reading this novel of a response, lol.


Oh, and another thing... About that I am afraid that she is going to forget about me while I'm on vacation. Chery, you are bery right with that. That is a big fear of mine. However, she has been acting distant lately, compared to how she was before. She just all the sudden decided she didn't want to be around me all the time (thats obviously okay), I just want to know why, and if she is going to grow more and more distant. I want to know how she feels, and I think the best way for me to figure that out is by asking exactly that.

Well, today has not been a good day...

I texted her today asking her if she wanted to do anything tomorrow night, and I haven't received a response.

She usually answers texts and calls as soon as she can. She wasn't busy tonight with anything (from what I know) and she usually goes to sleep late (it is midnight where I am right now). Maybe I am freaking out right now, but I feel like she is trying to avoid me at the moment. After school, on the weekends. I don't think she wants to be around me anymore... And that is really hard for me to think of.

I NEED your advice here.
Should I:
1. Confront her, ask her if she has been trying to avoid me (I am 99% sure the answer will be 'yes')
2. Pretend nothing has changed in the relationship, like it is all good, nothing wrong
3. Not say anything about how I feel. Try to be a better boyfriend (confused about how to be a better boyfriend)
4. Combo of 1 and 4. Confront her. Ask why. Ask what I can do to make the relationship better, and do it.

That is what I see as my options right now. Which do you think I should go with? Or, do you have any other ideas? Thanks

P.s - I think if I go with option 2 or 3, and not say anything AT ALL, the relationship will end soon. I can already feel it slipping away, and I need to do something about it.

Thanks for the advice
I'll be calling her tomorrow (once, I am Not going to call 20 times and beg for a response) to see if I can get a hold of her, and see if she is available. If she is, then I will talk to her then. If not, I may have to confront her at school on Monday.

Thanks again everyone

Just me, I NEVER freak out BEFORE I have the facts.

You're both young. You are going to annoy each other. You are still finding yourselves and have several years before you will truly be there. For now, try being positive and all, be friends, etc. But don't take the relationship so seriously at such a young age. If it does not work out, so be it. You should play the field at bit and not think about it in terms of a serious relationship at this time. Give it time. If you are meant to be together, you will be.
Blessed Be!

1. Confront her, ask her if she has been trying to avoid me (I am 99% sure the answer will be 'yes')NAW!
2. Pretend nothing has changed in the relationship, like it is all good, nothing wrong NAW!
3. Not say anything about how I feel. Try to be a better boyfriend (confused about how to be a better boyfriend) NAW!
4. Combo of 1 and 4. Confront her. Ask why. Ask what I can do to make the relationship better, and do it. NAW!

Before anything can be done, you have to have the facts, and not just a fantasy of the mind.
This relationship is still so young, that communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation.

Just because the heat has cooled, is not a reason to think something has changed, so don't let insecure thought become action, take the time to talk and see a clearer picture.

One missed call and your ready to go off half cocked???? Somebody doesn't have enough to do.

The adult in you shows logic and reason when you write to us.
The teen in you is acting too needy and desperate - relax and don't freak out if things don't happen exactly as you plan when you want it your way.
The child in you needs to know when to sit in the car-seat and let the adult to the driving without distracting you every five minutes.

In other words, talk to your emotions and get them in balance. Stop thinking of the worst scenarios before you even take a step..

She is also going through growing pains and is probably just as scared as you are, but that's life, and you should talk about fun things and not act as an old married couple bringing up confrontational issues - that gets frustrating.

Learn not to put your life on hold, waiting to be beckoned by someone else to start living again. Don't place anyone in the center of your universe - continue with your other activities and interests and when she does call, relax and enjoy the time without trying to second-guess her motives.

Good luck, and RELAX!
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SO,
If I am reading all of you right, you are telling me to just talk to her. I shouldn't think up scenarios in my mind, or fantasy problems, but I should just talk to her and get the truth. Then I act from there. Is that right?

And, as tal said, "communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation."
Now, this seems like a real childish, rookie relationship questions, but then again, I am a teen and new at dating.
So my question is
What is the difference between communication and confrontation?
I mean, how do I communicate without seeming confrontational?

Thanks again everyone,
And as stupid as that question may sound, I am serious. I need an answer to that.

What is the difference between communication and confrontation?

Communication involves talking and listening, so you can learn, and understand it, with questions and answers.

Confrontation, is accusing, and is the last effort to a fight, where there is no talking, no listening, but trying to defend a position that does no one any good. Confrontation is about superiority, and submission, and both are losers.

Okay then, so I guess I am not going to confront her about anything.
I am just going to ask her about the relationship, and listen to her response and go from there.
I am going to hopefully learn how to communicate better through this.
I am definitely going to see her tomorrow, at school. I will talk to her then, if I don't see her after school.

One of my problems is that I want to talk to her, but I don't want her to feel forced to talk about it. I don't want to 'confront her and accuse of something, nor do I want to make her feel guilty about anything. I just want to know where we stand.

One thing I have learned: I need to improve my communication skills greatly...

One thing I have learned: I need to improve my communication skills greatly...
We all have room for improvement, so keep praticing as the goal is to know how each other feels.
Its just not words but actions we have to pay attention to. Pay attention to what they do, and how they do it, as we can lose a lot with just words.

the goal is to know how each other feels.

After analyzing myself and my communication skills, I think I tend to assume too much. Between my worst-case scenarios and my "what ifs" I never know what is actually happening.

I think I just need to be more upfront, and instead of assume, I can ask, and get a straight answer.

I have never felt so clueless towards dating and relationships than I do today... lol. But everyone here helps a lot!

Thanks for the advice tal, chery, and everyone else

You are not alone, as females are the most confusing things on Earth, to us guys. Communicating takes time and patience, and dedication.

And all females reserve the right to change their minds. Talk about a stacked deck!!

Talk about a stacked deck!!!!!!!!
Damn double standards...
LOL!

SO,
If I am reading all of you right, you are telling me to just talk to her. I shouldn't think up scenarios in my mind, or fantasy problems, but I should just talk to her and get the truth. Then I act from there. Is that right?

And, as tal said, "communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation."
Now, this seems like a real childish, rookie relationship questions, but then again, I am a teen and new at dating.
So my question is
What is the difference between communication and confrontation?
I mean, how do I communicate without seeming confrontational?

Thanks again everyone,
and as stupid as that question may sound, I am serious. I need an answer to that.
Conversation:

Hi, how are you doing today? There is this interesting (whatever) thing going on and I was wondering if you'd like to go there with me. Or, we could just take a nice walk in the park, feed the ducks and enjoy the weather.. . Now, if she says OK and comes along, talk about some great music you've heard or a good book, or even a nice recipe you mom cooked recently and ask her if she liked that kind of food.

Confrontation:

Hey, we got to talk. I really need to know if you like me and where we stand and if you are going to call me, cause I really like you and want to take this further, so I need an answer. Oh, and by the way, I saw you talking to this guy between classes (or wherever) - what were you talking about and do you like him more than me?. That is being pushy, needy and a very big turn-off.

Conversation is getting to know the likes and dislikes of a person, their ideas on life, art, entertainment, politics, comedy, etc.

Confrontation is more like an interrogation and is not warranted at all if you are just starting to date and you are getting to know each other. The only time you would confront someone is if you are trying to blame someone for doing something you don't approve of. And when just out dating, sometimes people do things that you might not approve of, but there are nicer ways of telling them that your idea is different on the current subject.

Did that help?
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And yes, we women can be complicated, but only if you try to figure us out too soon without even getting to know us on an individual basis.. but you guys take second place on that scoreboard.

This may be frustrating to you, so you can probably guess how I feel right now.

If I were your Mom, I'd take at least a few hours a week and practice with you. But I'm not the typical Mom, never have been. And I'm probably not a typical grandmother now. My grandson is only two years old and I already taught him how to ride horse on Mom and how to blow bubbles and we clap hands to 'give me five' (my daughter taught him that) My daughter and I (mostly me) talked about everything and I do admit that I embarrassed her a few times (not in public though). She thanks me now, but she really thought I was a pain when she was your age. Despite our age difference she likes taking me to tupperware parties and to visit her younger friends and we do have a lot of fun.

Don't you think you could talk with your Mom, or do you have an aunt, an older girl in the neighborhood, or even a grandma figure around you who you could explain your issue with and ask them to practice with you?
I know it might feel foolish at the beginning, but it benefits you in the end. My neighbor's son would vouch for me if I asked him to, but he's busy with a cute girl he's been dating for over a year now.

Honey, just relax and don't focus on asking a girl about a relationship that is just starting. Both of you don't know where this will take you, so why pressure her. Get to know each other and just let things happen when it's time, not sooner.


You have a lot of time, just have fun with it. Quit being such a worrywart!

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Lol, I guess I have been a worrywart, haven't I...
I come to this site and ask about absolutely everything. You guys are great help and all, but I think I may have become a little too dependent on you! I mean, I came straight here after she missed a call from me. You are all just to good at what you do, but I feel like I am forgetting how to think for myself. So, I will take a little while away from the site, and let the relationship take its course. And, I can gain some personal expirience.

And, before I go, a quick update...
My girlfriend was telling me all the things she did last week while on the way to school. My god has she been busy! Lol. And she was letting me know that she will be busy this week too. She was saying these things almost as excuses, because I think she feels guilty for not seeing me outside school in such a long time (which I don't want her to). She did, however, say that she wants to study for an upcoming exam with me on Wednesday. So, I will get to see her! Outside school! I guess I didn't have anything to worry about after all.

She is leaving for her 4-week vacation on Saturday morning, so I won't see her for a month after this week. In the 4 weeks she is gone, I will improve my communication skills, and hopefully can be a better boyfriend for her when she gets back.

I've said to myself a few times, "If I could start over..." I see the mistakes I have made, and will not make them again! Anyway, I look at when she gets back from her 4-week vacation almost as a new relationship. I can hopefully be a better communicator, and boyfriend in general, and I'm sure she will grow too.

Look at me, I can't wait 'till she gets back, and she hasn't even left yet... But that's just me getting ahead of myself.

So, thank you for everything! I think the relationship is all good now, all thanks to you! But, I need to deal with the small issues in the relationship with my own logic and rationale. I will be back when I need advice, but only for something significant. If she misses one of my calls, I won't come to this site saying "why does she hate me?"

Watch out world... there is a whole new JR in town! (And this time, he isn't a worrywart.) lol

Less worry, more fun, enjoy it!

Cool. Looking forward to hearing from the new JR.
Glad we were able to help you, and don't for a moment think you were a bother - because we are here to sincerely help and it's free, so we wouldn't be doing it if we did not care.

Oh, by the way, next time you visit the site and get good advice... see the little orange button in our posts, next to the blue one? The blue one is for when you want to quote and the orange one is for when you want to comment on the advice given, either by agreeing or not - and we do appreciate it when we are given a little credit that way now and then when it is appropriate, so think about it when you come back.

And, during those four weeks if you think you might get nervous again, just sign on and read this thread again to refresh and feel better.

Good luck dear, hope to hear from the new JR soon.
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Hey,
I know I said I would take a break for a while, but I am already back.

Let me first just say that I am still happy, confident, and I feel like a better person from even a month ago. I have learned a lot about relationships and I think I can be a better boyfriend to a future girlfriend.

Now, as you may have already been thinking, that last paragraph leads to this part, where I tell you that we boke up.

It happened today, after our math exam. She didn't break up with me until after the exam I had today so that I could focus on my work, and not be distracted and possibly fail the exam.

Now, why did she break up with me?

When I saw her yesterday (she came home with me), she told me about this friend she had in England (She went to boarding school there for a few years). This friend met a gay guy (on the street), who she began to talk to. She didn't think the guy was just talking to her to pick her up because, well, he was gay. So, they walked and talked, and in the end, she found out that he wasn't gay. He forced her into his car and brought her to the middle of nowhere. He then proceeded to molest her (sexually).
She said that her friend wanted to know what she should do. She had to break up with her boyfriend after what had happened, as her trust towards anyone is gone. Should she break up with her boyfriend before or after a major exam he has coming up? I said she should wait until after the exam, to make it easier on the guy.

So, let me point out a few things.
When she told me this,
-I had an exam coming up
-She told me she met and talked to a gay guy one night

I thought her friend was really her, and she didn't want me to know. But, I let it go for the night.
I saw her today, and after we wrote the exam, she told me that her friend was really her.
My girlfriend was the one who was molested. My girlfriend was the one who wanted to know when to break up with her boyfriend.

So, we broke up. And, in about 48 hours, she will be on the other side of the country from me for four weeks.

I told her that I understand why she can't date anyone right now.

I have thought about if she made up the molestation story just to make the break up easier on me. I am 99% sure she is telling the truth. That 1% is because of the last time we broke up, she lied about why she broke up with me. But I really doubt she would use a lie like that to break up with me. She has been sexually assaulted before, so she wouldn't lie about it. She knows how awful it really is.

But, yeah. I kind of just left here with my thoughts, and she is left to deal with this.
She told me that maybe we can begin the relationship again, when she is ready. I don't know if we ever will, but I am not betting on it.

My question to you is:
-What do I do now? How can I help her deal with this?
She doesn't know who did it. Name, Where he lives, etc. She knows nothing. Police won't help because they wouldn't know who to arrest. And, my girlfriend doesn't want to have to go through telling the story to several detectives. But, how can I help her?
I know 'relationships' probably isn't the best place to ask, but if you could give me your opinion and/or direct me in the right way, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you

My plans for the next while is to just stay single for now. I don't really want another relationship right now, as I still like this last girlfriend. I don't even feel like dating other girls right now. The next year of high school begins in about 6 weeks, so I will probably find a new girl there.

If you remember, I was going to talk to her about why she had been so physcially distant. No kissing, hugging, anything for about the last week. I guess I know why she has been so distant now...

JR, so sorry this has happened and wish there were sure-fix solutions for issues like this, but there are none.

She's been 'invaded' in a very personal way and needs time to heal - but in my opinion, she should also report this guy. Right now she is the one carrying all the guilt and shame and she should not be doing this because it was not her doing. She trusted someone who broke that trust in a bad way and she should be doing something to fight back. Maybe her vacation will help her decide on what to do.

Yes, you have plenty of time to look for a new girlfriend, but honestly I don't think you are just going to forget what happened and you too will think a lot about it. I don't think you are cold enough to completely forget her and not be her friend if she needs someone to talk to - as she has told you something very personal and it took her a while to come out with it. She might like to count on you as a friend and if this is all true, I hope you can be there for her. Suggest that she talks to a counselor or school nurse about all this - so that she won't carry the burden alone.

Hope that you next girlfriend does not have such a complicated life behind her and that you can communicate with each other better without those little secrets.

I kind of had a feeling that something drastic happened and am glad that she finally told someone - that's a heavy load to carry alone.

Good luck dear. We are still here any time you want to talk.
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Thank you.
I would never just forget about what just happened. There is no way I am going to just cast her out of my life, and just leave her. I am going to be there as a friend for her. I have told her that I am here for her if she wants to talk. And she knows that she can talk to me about anything.

You're right, I don't think I can date for a while. I'll see what happens when school begins in 6 weeks.

She also feels really guilty. She likes me, and knows that I am a good guy. She doesn't want to be the one to break my heart. But, with the position she is in now, and after what happened, I completely understand why she broke up with me. I wish there was some way to stop her from feeling guilty about me. She already has enough to worry and think about.

I will definitely recommend a counsellor to her.
I also know another girl who went through a common thing. She was sexually molested, and got through it okay. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to introduce them to each other? I am there for my girlfriend to talk to, but I can't relate. I can't answer questions she has or anything. I think my friend who can relate would be of much more help than me.

She has 4 weeks in beautiful British Columbia, so maybe that will help her a bit. It will give her some time to herself, and some time to think.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions, Chery.

What do I do now? How can I help her deal with this?

Maybe you have already helped as best you, can by listening, and understanding. Maybe that's all you should do, and keep her confidece. It took a lot to tell you that for sure.

You might not be ready for another relationship, but having fun is not out of the question, and just see what the future brings.

Sorry for your loss, but your single, and should act like it, if nothing else, but to have something cool to tell her, when she gets back.

Enjoy the summer.

Tal, Thanks for the advice.
I agree with you that there isn't much more that I can do, other than listen, understand and be there for her.

I don't think I can 'act single' right now though. And I am a little confused as to what you mean by that. And to have something cool to tell her when she gets back? If you could clarify that, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks again

And,
Is there a place on this forum that I could ask the question "What do I do now?"

I have looked at mental health, teens, health, etc.
But where would the best place be?

Also, does anybody here know any good websites that could be of help?
Thank you

I have found a "Sexual Harassment Office" at a local university. They specialize in helping the community deal with being sexually harassed, as well as what to do if someone comes to you saying they've been sexually harassed or molested (my situation). I hope they will be of some good help. But does anybody know any other good resources?

Thanks

Try the Teens section.

There are some people who specialize in teenage issues and give some super advice and support. Also, your peers can share their experiences with you and give you hints of how they handled things.

As for the molestation of your GF, you can only encourage her to talk to someone and support her, but you can't 'fix' things for her. She has to take those steps on her own, just as you have in how to deal with it.

C.U on the forum, no matter where you post - we will be here to help.

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Is there a place on this forum that I could ask the question "What do I do now?"


Your already there guy, and others will be here as long as you have questions.

What do you do now?? You go back to what you were doing before you got with her. Real simple, just add some activities that brings new friends, new things to do, and don't forget the old friends, and things you enjoy. You never know what life brings next, so you have to be ready for anything.

Thanks guys,
For the advice, support, just everything.

As for me and her getting back together, I really doubt it will happen. I don't really want to get back together with her myself. She was basically dating other guys while I was with her. If a guy tried to 'pick her up' she would go along with it! I figured out that she gave a guy 'Alex' her phone number! She met 'Alex' at a park, and walked and talked with him. Then, she trusted another guy enough to walk through a park at night with him. This time, she was molested.

The fact is that she just wasn't a very good girlfriend. I hate to say it, but even though I 'loved' her (using the L word loosely), she was demanding and practically cheated. It always felt like I had to compete with other guys to keep her, which was really frustrating. The way I began dating her was because she broke up with her ex to date me. She also has gone through 3 boyfriends this year. So, I knew she wasn't going to be a real long term relationship. I wasn't expecting a 'highschool sweet heart' from her. I did like her, a lot, and she gave me some good expirience in relationships. I just think I am more willing to work on the relationship than she is. If she isn't going to put in the effort, why bother?

I am still reviewing the entire relationship, and taking mental notes on what was good, and what was bad. Hopefully, my next relationship can go much smoother and longer. I am not looking for someone else yet, but I will hopefully be ready when school starts again, in 6 weeks. My ex-girlfriend (feels weird to say that now) is in BC for the next 4 weeks, so that will make it easier for me to get over her.

I need to move on with my life, and although she made me happy, I had to deal with a lot of crap from her.

I am still going to be there for her as a good friend. She knows she can trust and talk to me about anything. And, I still plan to do all I can for her to help her deal with the molestation.

I got expirience, and a good friend out of all this, so I am keeping my chin up.
I am still the NEW JR, and a happy person.
I just don't know how this will all turn out. I always think about the future, I always think about what is best for me. I think right now, I will just live life. Whatever is meant to be will be, right? The truth is, right now, I don't really know what I want, or what is best for me... I plan to let life takes its course.

I am sure you have all heard the term 'whipped.'

I am a nice guy. I've been told by many, and I believe myself that I am a 'nice guy.' People also tell me that I am 'whipped.'
I don't think I am whipped, I just enjoy spending time with my girlfriends, and I am willing to do favors for them, and help them out with anything, as any good boyfriend should be.

So, where do we draw the line? When is one 'whipped?'

AND

How does one avoid getting 'whipped?"
I mean, I want to help out my girlfriend. But, I don't want to become whipped, which apparently happens to me all the time.

I personally don't even think there is such thing as 'whipped.' But, what are your opinions on this topic?

Thank you

My girlfriend and I have been dating on-off for about 3 months now. In our last effort for a relationship, we were going strong and were a short 3 weeks into it. In the last week, she was very distant, from all men, including me. Physically, we didn't even hug or kiss. I wondered why, and I found out why on Thursday. She was molested about a week ago. She couldn't voluntarily do anything remotely physical with ANY male, including me.

The way it happened was she was walking down Yonge Street, here in Toronto (A major street, filled with thousands of people at any time). She met a guy (who she thought was gay) and walked and talked with him. She trusted him enough to go walking with him through a dark park. He forced her into his vehicle, and drove her to a remote parking lot, and sexually molested her. This all happened at about 10:30/11:00 at night.

Now, when she told me, she also broke up with me. She has lost trust for any man, and there is nothing I could do but accept her request to break up. I understand why she had to do that, so I made it as easy for her as possible. She said she feels guilty for having to break up with me. I let her know that I am here for her if she wants to talk. But what else can I do to help?

She was sexually molested in school when she was 12 through 13 years old. She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Suppress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

My only question is what do I do? How can I help?

Thank you,
JR

She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Suppress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

First of all, she is NOT handling it well or she would not treat ALL guys this way because of what ONE guy did.
She needs to report as much as possible to the police so they can try and find him.
It sounds like he could do this on a regular basis and she is not helping it from happening to somebody else.
She needs to go to counseling to really get through this so she can learn to trust guys and not misplace her trust issues on other guys.

As long as YOU are happy being with your girlfriend and do not feel she is using or abusing you then you are not whipped and they are just jealous. So don't worry about what other say or think.

Well... ask yourself this:

Do you make time for yourself? Do you actually find time to do these things YOU enjoy, not because you enjoy things with her, but because YOU do? Such as.. certain movies, certain foods, possibly going to the gym, etc?

Do you find time to hang out with your friends? Do you find yourself constantly dropping your friends or not spending enough time with them because of the girl?

Do you find yourself always doing what SHE wants to do, not what YOU want to do?

There's a difference between being "whipped" and being nice. Make time for yourself, for your friends, do things you enjoy, eat things you want... don't succumb to every wish of your girl... as this often ends in you getting the raw end of the deal and asking yourself, "I did everything for her..."

I admit I do things that only she enjoys. With my last girlfriend, I did spend time with her when I should have been with my friends (i.e lunch everday). I did lose touch with some friends during the relationship too.

One of the things you said, ISneezeFunny is that there is a difference between being 'whipped' and being nice. I definitely want to remain a 'nice guy.' I want to know where the line between nice and 'whipped' is. I guess as long as I don't forget friends, and leave time for myself, I'm good, right?

And N0Help4u, I wouldn't even stay with a GF who 'abuses' me. But I see what you mean by jealousy. My one friend who hasn't had a girlfriend in 3 years was the main person who called me 'whipped.' I really didn't care what he thought, but it did make me think.

Thanks for the help guys

I think you most definitely should leave some quality time for your friends, not to mention yourself. I know where you're coming from. I used to be that guy... I spent every dinner with my girlfriend, spent every weekend with her, etc. When our relationship ended, I realized I shut off most of my friends, and I didn't do ANYTHING I enjoyed for the past 3.5 years.

Don't be that guy. Be there for your girl if you can. If you can't, she's a big girl... she can handle herself. Go hang out with your buddies once or twice a week, and leave time for yourself two to three times a week. Even if it's not going somewhere, but maybe going to the gym... sitting around at home watching a show you like, maybe even just sitting in your room listening to music... we all need our own time; I realized this really late, and just now realizing how important that truly is.

I have tried to tell her to go to the police, and I have tried to convince her counseling coud help.

I don't know what else I can do though.

I think that is all I can do. I could report it, but it isn't really my story to tell. I think that would be a MAJOR invasion of her personal life. All I can do is give her my opinion, and try to convince her to do the right thing.

Thanks, for helping me realize that now. I am only 16, and I'm sure I will have many more relationships in the future. I think if I follow your advice (to give time to myself, buds, etc.) that my future relationships will be much more enjoyable.

If I'm lucky, I can find a girl with common interests. That way we can do things together that WE enjoy. Of course, I'll still leave time for me and friends.

I guess ultimatly, as long as I am happy, I am not 'whipped'.

I guess ultimatly, as long as I am happy, I am not 'whipped'.

Perfect.

Thanks guys,
For the advice, support, just everything.

Welcome dear.


The truth is, right now, I don't really know what I want, or what is best for me... I plan to let life takes its course.

Hey, JR... this is exactly what it all boils down to for all of us. We experience, assess, accept and go on. Nobody carries a crystal ball - we can set goals and make plans, but there are not guarantees - not for any of us.

So, go out there and be human, don't analyze everything right from the start, and stay optimistic.

I think it's good that even though she let you down in many ways, that you will be her friend and maybe you might even help her change her flighty ways.. as a friend.

Stay with us dear, and keep us posted. Until then, continue with your life and have some fun too.

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Maybe you should sit down and talk to her, tell her that you love her and would never do anything like that to her and just explain that to her.
She should probably see someone about this, because its really hard and confusing

I wish I could sit down and talk to her right now. I needed to give her some time to herself first. She is now on a 4 week vacation in British Columbia, and won't be back until mid-August. I will hopefully be able to sit down and talk to her. The 4 weeks will be plenty of time for both of us to think about things ourselves. We can finally talk when she gets back from BC.

Thanks for the advice, Katie609.
But I would like your opinion (and others opinion) on one other thing;
I want her back. BUT, I don't want to pressure or guilt her into coming back to me when she isn't comfortable with it. I know you can't 'convince' someone to love you, but can I convince them to trust me, and convince them that we can get through it together?

When we sit down to talk, should I focus on getting her help? Or on getting us back together? Or both? Right now, I think her getting help is definitely of a higher priority, but I would also like to make a part of the conversation about us getting back together. I am pretty sure I can balance the conversation out.

But, can I convince her to trust me? Can I convince her that we can get through this together? Or should I just give her space, and not even ask? She also said that one of the reasons she broke up with me was because she can't do anything 'physcial' voluntarily for a long time. I don't need to do anything physical though. I love her for her, not for her body or anything like that. Do I tell her this? And ask if she wants to get back together and deal with what happened together?

You need to realize, that its not you. It's the fact that she got molested.. well I'm sure you know that
But anyway, she most likely isn't going to want to talk about it because she's really confused and lost right now even if it has been a few weeks, so I think you should focus on one thing at a time , maybe not necessarly getting her back or getting her help yet, but try to comfort her . Send her cute little texts or maybe just smile at her from across the room. You deffinitly don't want to ask her to get back together yet, its too soon. But once she starts to get comfortable around you again then sit down with her and tell her that you can get through it together and that you don't need anything physical right now and all that. If she's still not comfortable with you, focus on getting her help..

There's nothing wrong with being "whipped" if your relationship is a mutually beneficial one. There are SO many kinds of people, a guy dating a "needy" girl may need to be a leadership type, a guy dating a controlling girl may need to be "whipped" to be happy together.

Dating is about finding someone you're compatible with in a way that makes sense. Most of your relationships will end because this is simply not true. Have fun in the meantime until it becomes evident you can't be happy being "whipped" by the girl you're dating.

My wife of 23 years is VERY independent. In many parts of our life together I would describe myself as "whipped" to her control, and she would disagree, hehe. In other ways, I take the lead.

It's all about balance. Happiness isn't about the girl you're with, it about how you feel about YOURSELF and the life you're leading, including how you are with the girl. It's about you. Being whipped is fine if everything is working well.

Thank you

You need to find this guy and either:

A: beat the crap out of him.
B: get the police and get him out of the streets

For the girlfriend, motivate her and help her out.

hjpan

While the ideal situation is the guy goes to jail, it may cause more harm than good for the OP to take that into his own hands. That is completely up to the ex girlfriend to do, especially since without her testimony or rape kit, etc, the guy would be hard to convict. It could cause resentment with the ex girlfriend as well. I don't suggest it without her permission.

hjpan

While the ideal situation is the guy goes to jail, it may cause more harm than good for the OP to take that into his own hands. That is completely up to the ex girlfriend to do, especially since without her testimony or rape kit, etc, the guy would be hard to convict. It could cause resentment with the ex gf as well. I don't suggest it without her permission.

The OP needs to convince her enough that life isn't joyful. But putting some dipsh*t behind bars for a crime committed is best.

hjpan,
Believe me, I already asked who. If I got my hands on this guy, he wouldn't be able to walk away. She doesn't even know who did it. And, she probably wouldn't want me to anyway, she is way too forgiving to want to do something like that to someone. She also doesn't want to testify against him, so SD is right, as he will be hard to convict even if the police do get him.

- The police aren't an option to her right now. As much as anyone can tell her, she isn't going to the police.
- Chances are, I won't find this guy. So no vigilante justice. But if I do...

I really don't believe scum like him should even be on this earth. He is just a waste of life. To prey and force themselves on a defensless girl is disgusting. I don't understand how anyone can do that. But anyway, I can only really ask how I can help her emotionally, and how I can help her get through this. No outside help (which I am still trying to convince her to change that).

Thanks for the advice guys

hjpan,
Believe me, I already asked who. If I got my hands on this guy, he wouldn't be able to walk away. She doesn't even know who did it. And, she probably wouldn't want me to anyway, she is way too forgiving to want to do something like that to someone. She also doesn't want to testify against him, so SD is right, as he will be hard to convict even if the police do get him.

- The police aren't an option to her right now. As much as anyone can tell her, she isn't going to the police.
- Chances are, I won't find this guy. So no vigilante justice. But if I do...

I really don't believe scum like him should even be on this earth. He is just a waste of life. To prey and force themselves on a defensless girl is disgusting. I don't understand how anyone can do that. But anyways, I can only really ask how I can help her emotionally, and how I can help her get through this. No outside help (which I am still trying to convince her to change that).

Thanks for the advice guys

Rebuild her through outside activities...
Go out together.. eat, watch movies, shop...

Yeah,
Thanks, I will do that.

The only justice that is attainable right now is to help her get better, like it never happened. So as long as she comes out of this okay...

Yeah,
thanks, I will do that.

The only justice that is attainable right now is to help her get better, like it never happened. So as long as she comes out of this okay...

At least you're not going to be rebuilding people with permanent damage..

I'll be working in the medical field where people either lost their arm, leg, muscle tendon etc.

It's depressing and stressful, but I realize encouragement and helping others rebuild themselves is a way to help.

But... I laugh at myself cause I got three disagrees because my posts were 'too harsh' or 'too mean'... *sigh*
People can't take criticism =/~

At least you're not going to be rebuilding people with permanent damage..

I'll be working in the medical field where people either lost their arm, leg, muscle tendon etc.

Good Luck. :) You're doing good work.


But... I laugh at myself cause I got three disagrees because my posts were 'too harsh' or 'too mean'... *sigh*
People can't take criticism =/~

Lol. I know exactly what you mean. People never like to hear it like it is. It needs to be sugar coated. I think criticism is the best form of advice, you can apply it very easily. I have been criticized several times on this site, and although it can be tough to hear, it always helps.

Thanks for the advice

Good Luck. :) You're doing good work.



lol. I know exactly what you mean. People never like to hear it like it is. It needs to be sugar coated. I think criticism is the best form of advice, you can apply it very easily. I have been criticized several times on this site, and although it can be tough to hear, it always helps.

Thanks for the advice

Not at all :D

Hey everybody,

I am recently out of an relationship, and I was watching a few movies to distract myself.

One of my choices: "The Secret." It explained how to have a dream life, (inlcuding a relationship). They say basically to only think of the positive, and be grateful for what you have, and to forget and NOT EVEN THINK about the cons or downsides to your partner/ relationship. If you forget about the bad parts of the relationship, they will go away.

I just wondered, has anyone here has seen this movie? If yes, do you think it actually works? I am willing to give it a try! But have any of you tried, and did it work? And do you agree with the principle of only focusing on the positive?

I am a total optimist.

My wife is a total pessimist.

We tend to have issues because of this at times.

I see myself as the happier of the two of us and I attribute that to my positive attitude.

If you go around all the time expecting the worst, I believe that is what you will get.

I think I would agree with the premise, but I don't know how possible it is to over look some problems, and just expect if you don't pay any attention to them, they will just go away.

Some relationship issues may be beyond that philosophy.

If you forget about the bad parts of the relationship, they will go away.

I don't agree with that. If something is wrong in your relationship and you don't address it, it will just go away? Is that what the message is?

I think it's unclear what you mean. But I've never seen the movie.

--Cali

I have read the book.

I think it´s important to be positive and have a positive attitude, but I don´t believe in total positivity. I have been to disaster zones and I do not believe the victims brought it on themselves, as implied in The Secret.

I believe negative things should be worked on. We cannot go through life without negativity coming our way, so I think it´s important to be able to look at adversity as a gift, because it can help us grow.

Basically, I believe in positive thinking, looking at negativity as a gift and hard work. I don´t believe sitting and thinking can amount too much and make things happen all the time, but it´s good to concentrate on a dream, then find ways to make it happen.

Violet

Pessimism bring balance to everyone in my opinion. Should negativity be something to expect or dwell on? By all means I would hope not.

I say, stay positive, stay happy. Bad things happen for a reason, and it's not what happened that's important, it's how you deal with it, and go to fix the situation that is important.

Negativity helps us better ourselves, just as positivity does too.

You can't just forget the bad it is still there it still happened and usually for a reason.
Like you breaking up with him if you forget what he did and he persuaded you to get back with him you would be repeating the problem. You can forgive and work things out but forgetting is not exactly good because you have to learn the lesson.

Saw the movie, laughed OUT LOUD several times through it, hopefully didn't bother too many people in the theater.

Thinking positively is one thing, that movie was over the top... good for fantasy, though.

Yeah, I think a hybrid of what the movie says to do is perfect.
Think positive, but how can you NOT acknowledge the negative sometimes? I agree with the idea to be grateful, and appreciate your spouse. But not with much else.

My favourite part is where the guy says he imagines a perfect location for an open parking spot in a busy lot. He imagines it, and finds one "95% of the time." LOL! If only that acually did work...

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just ridiculous.

But, I think I will try some of the strategies suggested, and give it a shot. BUT, I'm not just going to forget everything bad, that could just screw up my life. For example, my ex-girlfriend, who was just recently sexualy molested, am I just supposed to pretend it never happened? Imagine it never happened, and it will make it true? HA!

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just rediculous.

It is such an insult to the victim of disasters and wars - not to mention victims of terrorist attacks. I survived one of those in London when IRA was active and it was not because of my negative thinking. Busy areas in London were target areas for the IRA in those days and I happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. I was very lucky, unlike some other people who were with me that day.

Same goes for the victims of 9/11. Stating this in the book is an insult to their memory.

Peace, Violet

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just rediculous.

It is such an insult to the victim of disasters and wars - not to mention victims of terrorist attacks. I survived one of those in London when IRA was active and it was not because of my negative thinking. Busy areas in London were target areas for the IRA in those days and I happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. I was very lucky, unlike some other people who were with me that day.

Same goes for the victims of 9/11. Stating this in the book is an insult to their memory.

Peace, Violet

Wow, that is an amazing story. Glad you made it out okay.
And yeah, saying that people bring this on themselves? C'mon. Negative thinking is bad, and sure, it attracts more negativity, but it won't attract terrorist attacks, or hurricanes, or anything like that. Some of this movie really is just fantasy and ridiculous, and laughable.

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just rediculous.

It is such an insult to the victim of disasters and wars - not to mention victims of terrorist attacks. I survived one of those in London when IRA was active and it was not because of my negative thinking. Busy areas in London were target areas for the IRA in those days and I happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. I was very lucky, unlike some other people who were with me that day.

Same goes for the victims of 9/11. Stating this in the book is an insult to their memory.

Peace, Violet

OH how I agree with you 100% When my life was a mess everybody kept telling me I was bringing it on myself and I had to think positive. They said make better choices, like I had any real choice that was good! My choices were do you want to wait and take your chances with this or should you get out of a bad rental situation and hope something better comes along before you end up homeless? Others choices were do I want to buy a house in the city or the suburbs.

Thinking positive often only makes you feel the gap worse and makes you feel more hopeless. Sometimes there are no good choices as an option and you have to make due and survive.

That is so true, NoHelp4U.

Bad things happen and have done so through the ages. I don´t understand why everything should be down to us. Sometimes we do have very few options, but the good thing is that there can be a great spiritual growth from adversity.

I also think The Secret promotes passiveness and laziness. I believe in working for my dreams and earning them. That is half the fun! Not sitting back and simply wishing for them to happen.

Jrsg, thanks for your comment. I´m also glad I made it OK, but that day will be stamped on my mind forever. I still get nervous taking a train in London. On the positive side ;) it made me value my life much more and it made me want to do something good with my life, because I will always think of the people who lost their lives that day. Somehow I feel their memory deserves it.

Violet

She is not handling it at all. She is meerely hiding it from her mind. If she was OK with it or even remotely getting over it, she would almost definitely have to talk to someone. If she doesn't trust anyone then she is not handling it. You need to talk to her. Or someone needs to talk to her. She should tell the police, hiding it is only making it worse because then this creep gets to go free and your girlfriend is hurt, again.

She is not handling it at all. She is meerely hiding it from her mind. If she was ok with it or even remotely getting over it, she would almost definately have to talk to someone. If she doesnt trust anyone then she is not handling it. You need to talk to her. Or someone needs to talk to her. She should tell the police, hiding it is only making it worse because then this creep gets to go free and your girlfriend is hurt, again.

She needs to rebuild herself first with the help of the boyfriend and then get this guy in prison...

and then get this guy in prison...

She needs to do that asap not after she rebuilds anything. Quick timing is valuable and essential when it comes to rape.

she needs to do that asap not after she rebuilds anything. Quick timing is valuable and essential when it comes to rape.

How would she be able to confront anything if she's too scared =/

If she is scared she needs to go to rape counseling.
She needs to at least make out a report for now.
If she waits too long she sounds like an unreliable person and isn't as easily believed.

Hey everybody!
Just wanted to thank you again.

I am doing well, although a little confused. In the past couple weeks, I have gone from saying "good riddance, I don't need her anyway" to "I want her back". Then I go back and forth and back and forth. So, I am on a hybrid of that right now, thinking I could talk to her and just see where things go when we talk.

I have a week to think about it, IN CUBA! I am going on a resort vacation with the family to Cuba for a week, leaving Saturday morning. If there is a better place to think and to just have a clear mind, show me. I doubt you could find one. This vacation, I can take my mind off things at home, and also think about them, in peace and quiet. Can't wait to go! (31 hours and counting)!

Just a little update, and I wanted to let you know that I am happy and extremely content with life right now, and that it is partly because of everybody who helped me here. Thanks again guys, and I'll talk to you when I get back from Cuba!

Hey!
I got back from Cuba after a great, amazing, mind-clearing week. If there is anything better than a week in Cuba to get over a past relationship, show me, but I doubt one exsists.

I am finally over my last girlfriend (not 100%, but still a good 70%) and I think I am ready for another relationship. I think I will probably wait until school starts to look for a girlfriend. I don't just want to attempt to "pick up" some random girl on the street, and build a relationship based on appearances. Once I get back to school, I will be even further over my ex and I can build a healthy relationship with a girl more suitable with me. I just hope the next relationship won't be so turbulent...

I have learned so much from this relationship though, and I can't wait to apply what I have learned in another relationship. And thanks again to everyone here for all the help. I think I am FINALLY over with all of this. It has been quite the summer for me :).

Now that your 70% over your last relationship, why would you wan't another one? Take some time to heal in your hometown, not CUBA. Vacations are awesome, but sadly... distractions.

I am finally over this girl that I have been basically obsessing over for the past 2 months.
And I think I am more than 70%, I underestimated that. I am 90% if not a full 100%already.

Why would I want another relationship?
Because I like to be in love. I want to have somebody to talk to about whatever, and to help and support, and to make feel good. I want a girlfriend. Makes my life so much happier.

And I think healing in Cuba was just as good as at home. The only difference was that the thinking was done on a sunny beach, and not in a Toronto suburban house bedroom. I was able to stand back, and look at the situation I had with my ex, and ask myself, "is this really what I want?" I wasn't able to do that at home, so maybe Cuba was even better than home.

I do agree with you when you say Cuba was a distraction. YES IT WAS! THAT WAS THE POINT! I am trying to forget about how much I like this girl, and that isn't going to just happen. When I sit at home, and think about how much I miss her, or when I look at the couch we would always sat on I get really depressed (I don't do that anymore, lol, after Cuba). But, in Cuba, I have plenty of things to distract me and help me forget. When I beak up, I need (and I think everyone needs) DISTRACTIONS!

But thanks for the reply

Glad you had a great time and got the old batteries recharged. I would tread carefully though when it comes to trying to be in love again. In your quest to be in that love, be careful of your choices.

Thanks tal,
And yeah, I will be careful.

Good for you dear.

Yes, distractions is what we need as part of healing. And every chance you get at it, use it.

One can also change the environment that was shared by changing the furniture around, putting new pictures on the walls, new pillows for the couch and a few new scented candles to change the atmosphere. Naturally, we cannot get new furniture each time we break-up, but making minor changes with what we have really helps.

I'm also glad that you enjoy and want to share time with another relationship.. just make sure that you will not fall into the 'comparing' stage - that would be unfair to the other girls in your life. We learn from each relationships, as you've stated.. good and bad, just don't let the bad predominate as it wastes time and energy that you could use in getting to know the other person and yourself better.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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Thanks,
And I like the new pillows of the couch idea... could help a lot.

Thanks for everything, and I will update in a while.


First, I have one more question...

My ex gets back from BC at the end of the week. I want to continue a friendship with her, so should I call her when she gets back, and ask to see each other just to catch up?
The reason I ask is because she left in a weird time when everything was a little awkward between us. I sent her a message on Facebook, but she is ignoring it. She is active with others online so I know she is just ignoring me. I sent it about a week ago and still no reply from her.
Right now, I am taking the 'hint' and I'm just not trying to get in touch with her, I'm just leaving her alone and giving her however much space she wants.
But, should I call her when she gets back? I will probably call, depending on your advice, once (twice at the most) and if she ignores that I know for sure she doesn't anything to do with me. And that will be it. But what do you think?

Why should you?? Be real here guy. If it will happens, it happens, so why not keep taking the hint, leave her alone, and get about your own life.

Catch up, after all the work you've done on you, why go back to awkward confusion? You have already been ignored so why start that again.

Catch up on a friend you haven't seen in a while, who you know will be glad to see you.

Yeah...
As much as I didn't want to hear that, I think I knew it all along.
Maybe I am crazy or it could just be wishful thinking. Either way, I know you're right.
And honestly, I do still have feelings for her. Again, I know deep down, I know she is not doing any good for me. I guess I have no choice but to accept the facts here. She doesn't like me.

Thanks for that, helping me see the light.

I think I am ACTUALLY done with this girl now. 4 months of heartache, stress, happiness, sadness, and anger later, I think I am done (for good). I know I have said it before, but I myself believe it this time. I am done. Still friends, but romantically I believe we are done.

Someone on the NC Calender thread said that there is a time after a break up where you finally realize its over, and its like being broken up with a second time. I think I am at that point now, and it sucks.
Bring on the distractions! I'll be looking forward to a good Friday night tomorrow, help me forget about things.

Thanks again everyone.

Hope you had great Friday night, dear.
Even though I don't sign on here every day, I still check how you are doing and hope that you do leave her alone... no calls.. OK?

She is going her way and you need to go in the other direction and regain your strength and self-respect. Each of us take our own time to heal, some take months, some a little more, but in the end we will have learned and are better off, so don't jeapardize your progress now.

It's time to enjoy life again... it's too darned short to dwell on the past.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Thanks for staying with me through all this, Chery. I really do appreciate it, and your advice has saved me from making an absolute fool of myself several times before, lol. Thank you

And I won't call her. Its time for me to rebuild my life in a way that isn't based around her. I was happy before her, I will be happy after her.
That was my biggest problem, making her the focus of my life and happiness, after knowing her for a month... Live and learn, right? I won't do that again.

So no calls, no e-mails, no texting her, and I won't engage any kind of communication with her. To distract me, I have a family barbecue to go to today, and see family I haven't even met! And I am booked up until Wednesday, so that will keep me distracted for a while.
She gets back later today (Saturday), so this is the most tempting time for me to call. The distractions will help, a lot!

Thanks again

Hey
Its been a while since I talked to you guys last:rolleyes: :confused: :confused:

But I just got a text from her.
A simple "I'm home" is what I got from her.
I replied, and we are talking right now.

I am still set on a friendship, so we will see how that goes.
The fact that she is initiating the conversation is a good sign, she hasn't done that in a while. However, I'll take it as a sign of friendship, not as a "Oh I miss you, lets get back together" kind of thing.

Just a quick update.

As long as you can keep the boundaries you set... be very careful not to build up false hopes dear.

It if does not hurt to just be her friend and you can cope with that, then good for you. Just keep us up to date and beware that it's possible to 'fall' again.

Wish you lots of luck and remember, we are here.
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Thank you,
We just talked for about 5 minutes and basically gave summaries of the last four weeks of our lives. She is happy, I am happy the way we are. I would still like to meet to discuss our vacations further, so I will probably call her sometime next week. Haha, I have a line of distractions lined up for the next 3 days. That is how I was going to cope with not talking to her. It will still help a lot.

I do have to make an effort not to fall for her again, but I made that mistake once. Won't make it again. I think I have the will power to resist. I have never had to fight my own feelings, so I kind of want to see how this goes. I do think seeing her just as a friend is best. Rather than dating again, or just ignoring her completely.

Thanks for the help,
And I will update as I go

:)

Thanks

Hey,
So I can now confidently say that me and the girlfriend are over. Just friends now.

I had lunch with her today, and it was really nice. We spoke about her trip, my trip, and it was great!
She is getting testing for STDs and counceling for the molestation/rape she went through about a month ago. Its too bad it happened, but at least she is getting help now.
After today, we are past that awkward part of the break up where you avoid each other and all that, so it is nice too.
I am happier than I have been in a while, I got a good friend out of all of this, so life is good.

I will admit that I did build up fase hopes a bit, but it was nice to see her as a friend today. I'm over her.

Thanks for all the help (especially Chery and Tal).
I am finally done! Now I can MOVE ON!

Hey everybody,
I have great news...
Just a little update if you remember this, or are still following the situation,

The (now ex) girlfriend has begun counselling.
She is back to trusting guys. She is getting tested for STDs. She even submitted a report so that the police know what is happening. No testifying against him, but the police are aware of it.

She did end up following the advice I gave her (thank you to all of you guys) and it helped her for the best.

Thanks to all of you!
She is going to get through all of this fine...