Hi, my daughter is 15. She is 95% on the greatest side of teen girls.
She is becoming aggressive and violence with me, over the past 6 months, she punched me in the arm, has pushed me and last night, she grabbed me by the arm and dug her fingernails in my arm, I have 3 marks to prove it.
Last week, I was on the computer and got up to do something, turned around and she was getting on her email, I told her to get off, I was in the middle of working on something for work, she just ignored me, I told her again, and I tugged on her hair, I did not grab a handfull of hair, a hair brush would have pulled much harder, She turned around and pushed me, and then we started yelling and she started pushing and hitting, I told her I was calling the police, she said "go ahead, but you have to take me to work", I sent her to her room and called the police. I did not want to, but I said I was going to and she didn't think I would do it.
The sheriff came and obviously didn't scare her bad enough to make a huge impact. I was raised in the 60's and parents hit their kids quit frequently. My dad was extremely explosive, he hit me a lot, the teachers at school finally questioned the situation.
So, I decided when my boys were young, this violence stops with me. We do not hit!
I am the proud mother of two wonderful and successful men, who never, ever would have put a finger on me. But, I am not succeeding with my daughter. If she bumps into me in the kitchen, she will turn around and say I pushed her.
Last night I was on the phone calling in for american idol, but since her little incident last week, she can only watch TV, when we (her parents) are watching something, but as I was trying to dial the phone, she decided I didn't know how to use the phone and she wanted to do it, so as I was dialing, she tried to grab the phone from me, in the process of her grabbing the phone, she was poked by my fingernail, she turned around and grabbed me by the arm and dug her fingernails into my arm as she grabbed me.
I was so angry, I looked at her and said "you get away from me right now, get out of my sight, I can't believe you think it is ok for you to grab me by the arm and hurt me, get in your room and get out of my sight"
She acted shocked and said "you scratched me first", she said to her dad," she just freaks out about nothing! I was furious. Should I call the police this morning and file a complaint? I don't want anything to get out of hand. I don't want her to start down this road, I am scared for her. She is showing violent behavior, and she is responding to things, by hitting and pushing and now scratching. She is reacting, without thinking, this is not good. Open for all opinions.
Thanks,
Just wanted to clarify, apparently I didn't communicate what I was looking for when I got some of the remarks back from some folks.

Don't "tug" on her hair - wrong move there, sorry. Only use your voice in the future to "get her off the computer". Right now she's rather touchy and just a teenager. You seem to be escalating things by wanting to involve the police at the drop of a hat. Doing that just may backfire on you in the future if they are called. They could side with her and not you depending on the circumstances and injuries. What does your husband do or say about her behavior? It just can't be you doing all the disciplining here, sorry. He's got to have a say in this as well and also a role as a parent. You can't just do everything.

Do you love her? Can you try telling her one thing you appreciate about her each day? If you show her the love and attention she desperately needs, her attitude may change. Another thing that works is controlling your anger before talking/ disciplining. Kids react to what they receive. If they are getting anger and frustration toward them, they will fling right back.

Wow, that is unexceptable behavior from someone her age but it's kind of hard to gauge the situation without a little more info... i.e. When did this behavior start? How/Is her father involved in this situation? What/Did anything change with you after you'd finished raising the well behaved sons and they were no longer in the home?

Do you have a video camera? Perhaps you could stow it somewhere hidden and then show her how insane she is acting. And if it gets really bad, you could take the video to the police.

Michele based on the responses you've given to these people trying to help you, I'd guess you're a real peach to live with. If you can lash out so quickly and pointlessly in the middle of a MATURE discussion, I see now how you must be when talking to someone who is immature.

You're not going to listen to advice that may work, because it will involve you working harder, and I bet that's not what you're looking for.

I rest my case.

Sometimes in life we think that we are beyond the experiences of the past, but I think in your situation it is clear that you are not. Abuse in the past, whether suppressed or not is part of your make up. I will tell you from what you wrote, I'm almost certain that she has adopted some of the behavior from your past. What would ever prompt you to call the police on your own child?

I don't think my entire answer was posted. Communication is key here and it's clear that you don't have it with her. Start there, sit her down and start from scratch you owe it to her at this point to teach her the right way to behave. Tugging on her hair is probably not the first offense, it's wrong and she simple was reacting to your action. But my advice was to lead by example, take an anger management course WITH HER. Next time you bump into her in the kitchen apologize and move on, Good luck

michelemediapro;
As you are learning there are PLENTY of people on this website who believe their opinion is the ONLY correct thing to do and they LIVE to tell you how wrong you are in every aspect in your life and how it's all your fault. And they think all children are innocent (I guess even the ones that kill other children).

Just ignore them.

Don't let her run your life, it's YOURS!!

I believe you do have every right to call the police when there is some sort of physical activity between you and your daughter. You should probably get some counseling and maybe try being a friend to your daughter... instead of making her feel bossed around. If things don't get better and the physical activity keeps happening... keep calling the cops... she should get scared when they say they're taking her to juvenile hall. Hope things get better for you! :) :) :)

I forgot to add:
Disagree-ing (it's a word right, the kind the President would use?) is safer if you create another post instead of rating.

Hi...
I just have a few questions to ask...
What kind of disipline do you use for talking back or getting physical with you?
Can you look back about 6 months ago when this start to happen, and see anything that may have changed, school, friends, boyfriend maybe?
How is she around other people, or does she just disrespect you and your husband?

You are welcome, michelemediapro...
Me and my mom had problems in my teens... when we became more of friends, the communication got better and my privileges expanded.
I hope the best for you!

I know you think you calling the police was difficult but you need to maybe if you start putting her on some more discipline like community service or maybe send her to boot camp. I have three children and yes I have two teenage daughters who act them same. Show her who is boss of the household don't be afraid of her.

I don't mean to offend but, I think it is a waste of time to call the police. I think this because this is a parental issue not a law issue, scratching your arm isn't against the law. If it were, then pulling her hair would be too. Seriously, you don't want the cops involved I can just see her turning this whole thing around and making you out to be an abuser. (we know that isn't the case) So, I really think there needs to be some positive changes there in the house and if you and your husband can agree to make them TOGETHER, it definitely could work...

If you would like some tips, I know I would be happy to give them to you. Others would too!;) I wish you lots of luck, these are very hard times to go through!

Yes, I love her, I think that is a stupid question, otherwise, I wouldn't be looking for help

The reason I asked, is because teenagers do not always know that their parents love them. I have 4 kids, 25, 21, 16 and 12. 3 boys and 1 girl. I deal with attitude and lack of respect. Yes children are commanded to honor their mother and father, but I have found that if I just lay down the law without giving love and respect, then I just get more attitude. If I don't actively show my children that I value them in my life, why would they respect me? It goes both ways. You have to give it to get it.

The reason I asked, is because teenagers do not always know that their parents love them. I have 4 kids, 25, 21, 16 and 12. 3 boys and 1 girl. I deal with attitude and lack of respect. Yes children are commanded to honor their mother and father, but I have found that if I just lay down the law without giving love and respect, then I jsut get more attitude. If I don't actively show my children that I value them in my life, why would they respect me? It goes both ways. You have to give it to get it.
Saved, you are hot today! Great advice! Just wonderful!!

I've read every post here, I've also read the question twice. I personally believe that calling the police is an extreme, its something you do when all else fails. You have tried pulling hair, letting her watch TV only with you, yelling, and showing hurt, calling the police and having them show up as a scare tactic.

These things are only going to extinguish her fears of punishment & respect for authority and help press her toward her addictive compulsions.
I'm absolutely sure that her school has counsellors that have been trained for these types of situations. This type of counselling is free, and it brings the problem to exposure, and abusive people HATE EXPOSURE.
Don't threaten her with this. You show up there during school hours, this way she gets surprised and the school is more unlikely to turn you away.
This comes with the inevitable everyday school system authority she can not attack. It should make her to feel vulnerable and confront and deal with the consequences of her actions out of the cover of your household roof.
Any 15 year old girl would feel embarrassed and ashamed, and those are the normal emotions.
I know that it would also be embarrassing for you to take this to her school and deal with it there.
Teachers are understanding and want to help. They understand your mistakes in dealing with it ( fire vs fire) And you will be respected as a parent seeking help within a system that is already familiar with your daughter. Anyway it's embarrassing to have the band-aid cops show up at your door too.
Mediation and hard work is the only way to help your girl & have these problems fixed.

And remember... This is about her getting help.
If her resolve is to hit you when she gets upset, what happens one day when she has a baby?
I also read that she turned to your husband in search of agreement against your authority. If she is so out of line then why on earth is she even considering looking to him for support? I'm just saying, you may need to chat with him as well.

I think it is completely out of line for a teenager to be hitting shoving or scratching their parent, and what is the father doing about all of this. He should have sat her down the first time she scratched you. Is he supportive of you?
You and your husband needs to talk to a professional and have your daughter talk to one. Maybe something has happened to her she is not sharing with you or maybe she is experimenting with drugs, but there is no reason she should be allowed to get away with attacking you.
Make an appointment with a counselor for the family. Your husband needs some talking to as well. You two should be united on this issue.
As far as the police, if you have a child who is attacking you and you are fearful I don't see the problem with it.
Teenagers can be smart mouths and they can be rebellious, but there is no way I would tolerate a child of mine hitting or scrathcing me. That is not normal teenage behavior and is just unacceptable.

HOMEGIRL:professional and have your daughter talk to one. Maybe something has happened to her she is not sharing with you

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I couldn't agree more with that sentence.

michelemediapro;
As you are learning there are PLENTY of people on this website who believe their opinion is the ONLY correct thing to do and they LIVE to tell you how wrong you are in every aspect in your life and how it's all your fault. And they think all children are innocent (I guess even the ones that kill other children).

Just ignore them.

Don't let her run your life, it's YOURS!!!

Isn't this a bit like the pot calling the kettle black? Squeaks I've read some of your other posts, you have a tendency to start arguments, this post is a prime example of that. You have a right to state your opinion, you have a right to disagree, you do not have a right to lambaste others, that's not what this site is about. Please be more respectful in the future.

OP, I know that it's hard to hear people give you advice that you don't necessarily want to hear. You are the one who came here asking for advice, read what others have written and then choose what you wish to do. None of us can force you to take our advice, it was offered because you asked. There are allot of great suggestions here, surely you can look past the bad and focus on the good, otherwise you won't be able to get through this rough time with your daughter.

Good luck.

There are a lot of great suggestions here, surely you can look past the bad and focus on the good, otherwise you won't be able to get through this rough time with your daughter.

Good luck.
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Exactly. But it is so easy to get defensive after you put it all out there. Some suggestions you need to take with a grain of salt. Its not about on-line feelings or it being too personal, its about your daughter getting better. I'm 32 and have to get my prostate checked out! That's personal... I'm anti-prostate check man! But, I have to go through it to make sure I'll be around for my daughters future. I'm so scared! LOL

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Exactly. But it is so easy to get defencive after you put it all out there. Some suggestions you need to take with a grain of salt. Its not about on-line feelings or it being too personal, its about your daughter getting better. I'm 32 and have to get my prostate checked out!! Thats personal... I'm anti-prostate check man! But, I have to go through it to make sure I'll be around for my daughters future. I'm so scared!! LOL

You are so right.

OP, The thing to remember, none of us have to go face to face with each other, that's what makes this site great. Ask your question, be honest, get advice, some good, some bad, some rude, some polite, and then decide what you want to do with that advice. And always heed my signature quotes, they speak the truth.

It's hard not to lash back sometimes, I'm guilty of it too, but what's the point of it? Getting upset or defensive isn't going to change anything. We all have the power to change unpleasant things in our life, for you that would be the relationship with your daughter. Read the responses with an open mind, the answer to your problem just might be in there.

Greg, get to the doctor and get it done, if you need someone to hold your hand, call me. No wait, call my hubby. ;)

Jesus, I was trying to give her some ADVICE since she is new and may FEEL attacked!

I don't have a teenager - even though she acts like one sometimes. I think girls are way more dramatic than boys. I think they over think things a lot - social things.
I remember when I was 15 - if someone looked at me crosseyed, I would get all flustered trying to figure out why.

Now, if I had ever hit my mom or even disrespected her - she would handle it and then my dad would. There are something's you just don't do. You and your husband need to be united on this.

If this just started - I would have to find out what has changed. Talk to her school counselor. Find out what is happening at school. There could be someone bullying her there and she may feel she can't do anything about it. So she acts out at home where she is safe.

There is a girl at our middle school bullying other girls. From the stories I have heard, she is relentless. So far, nothing is being done because it can't be proved. (Bullies are slick) It is getting to a point where something is about to break. Some of my friends (the victims parents) have told me their daughters don't want to go to school, they are moody and quiet. They are starting to see negative changes.
Could this be happening to your daughter?
Find out! Be proactive. I remember when I was in 11th grade, I got called down to my counselors office only to find my parents sitting there. I was so mad - but I wasn't talking to them at home and was just angry all the time. They had to do something. Today, I couldn't tell you WHY I was angry all the time - but I remember walking into that room and seeing my parents. They reached out to me in such an unexpected way. They stuck together and tried to figure out the problem and then fix it.

Good Luck

Thank you so much, you can really read between the lines of peoples words, it is amazing to me to see the extreme difference is opinions. I can hear empathy in some and the most outragious, self rightiousness in others (I am sure they are never wrong) who think they know everything, and I bet a million, you know exactly who they are! This has been a very eye opening experience, more so on this web site, than with my daughter, I have choices to make, and just like her, there is a price to pay for every single one. When I read some of this, I can see the judgemental personalities, those who fill in the blanks, without even asking for more info.
You know, when some kid goes into a school and starts shooting, doesn't that make you sad? Or do you want to fry the bastard? What was going on in his head, and the suicide rate in teens is huge. Life is not just black and white, there are many gray areas. When I said that "if she bumps into me in the kitchen", and turns around and says "don't push me", does that not give you some idea of the exagereations or (LIES)? That's like calling a teacher a pervert. I am trying to teach her that not only physical violent hurts, but words and lies like that can ruin people's lives.
If anyone assumes that after I cooled off, I didn't go have a talk with her, they are mistaken, even the sheriff said "kids are a pain in the at this age". I am a small woman, and my daughter is bigger than me, for anyone, including my child who thinks it's OK to push around your elders, than you need to look in the mirror. Might not like who's looking back, so, I send out my prayers, especially to those who think their opinion is the only one. God keep us safe from them, I didn't realize this is like the Roe vs Wade or the death penalty. I see how passionate some of you are, and I have to go to work now, so have a nice day and I will check in later!
Bye for now... Michele

I would like to hear about what your daughter was like 6 months ago. Can you think of anything that happened or anything she said that could now be seen as a red flag? Did she try out for something and didn't get it? Break up with a boyfriend? Have a fight with a friend? Anything like that?

My daughter started acting out - I know exactly why. Her dad changed jobs and his hours changed. That meant less time with her. She became overly emotional. Sometime rude, etc. It was showing at school. Now, my daughter is only 7 - but it was like she turned 13 over night. I half way expected her to be getting her period anyday by her mood swings. The point is, I can tell you when and why this happened. There are days it doesn't make it any easier. My husband was able to rearrange his schedule to bring some normalicy back to her and it has helped. But being able to pin point the "Why" of the situation does help.

Here are some tips I do with my kids. This doesn't mean they will work for you but things go pretty smooth here if I am consistent with it! If you have already tried some of these, that's OK, I know there will be more tips heading your way from other members;)
I have four kids, but will concentrate on things I do with my 14 year old.
We started this year on making him be responsible for waking himself up, an alarm clock... we had to get the one that you can set twice for the same day so he would have wake up insurance.(lol) With him, (now)he does great getting up and getting ready in the morning... when he gets home he has a snack, does his homework, and cleans his room..
He doesn't get to do anything like puter or games until it is done!
And if he decides to go to the puter, he knows he has to start the timer for 45 minutes or an hour. If he forgets to start the timer, I tell him he just lost his privileges to the puter that day. If he gripes when I tell him his timer went off, he doesn't get a chance to get on the next. THIS truly works. I thought about it, but never had to do it, putting a sign in screen to even enter the puter, then put a password to get on, that way he wouldn't be able to, but I wanted him to earn his trust on the computer from me so I didn't. YOu could though, that may stop some arguments with her.
If she talks back, tell her... "I understand you are upset about my decision but if you keep talking to me like that our discussion will be over and you will be in your room" Calm as ever, and she may be surprised when you say it but if she is snappy send her, and then turn on the timer for 15 minutes, then go get her in fifteen minutes and ask her to come out of her room and talk! If you feel your decision is set, then don't talk about it anymore, you can say, "that discussion is over". Stay calm, show her that her being upset is not going to ruin your day! Show her that her actions are wrong!
It takes some will and it takes time to get things right... you are still going to have ups and downs.
When she is polite, encourage her... If she does what she is supposed to a few times, tell her you really appreciate it! Then give her a hug and tell her to keep up the good work. You can even tell her to mark it on a calendar, (she is not too old for this) and every 5 marks with no bad in between, five her a dollar for each one. (I am saying money instead of anything else because she is a girl and 15, that is what she likes)
If she hits you or is at all physical with you, there will be no puter time, no phone, no cell phone, she will be on restriction in her room for 48 hours, she can come out to pee and eat... that is it. I haven't had the problem with any physical abuse from my kids, but I do know that I would use this to discipline them.
There are so many good things you can show your daughter, how about going to volunteer once a week or even once a month in something she enjoys doing...
How about you guys go and get a pedicure and then some lunch to just talk and be girls together.
I don't want to over do this, so I am going to quit... I would love to hear what you have done to help this situation and I am not sure if I saw if she was an only child or not.
And others have also asked what Dad's roll in this is? That is very important. Hugs, and get back to us;)

Sometimes there is no "reason" other than teenage hormones, growing up, and what not.
Michelemediapro, I fully understand your concept of not wanting to go back on your word, otherwise you will just be tossing around endless threats with no consequences.
Come up with a plan of action for how you will handle the situation next time there is an incident with your daughter.
I would suggest you have in mind the calm attitude you will keep, what you are going to say, and the discipline approach you will take next time your daughter steps out of line.
It's very helpful to know these things before the incident takes place so that you can set a good example for how to handle the situation by staying calm and not accidentally losing your temper and saying things you don't mean.
Have a nice chat with your daughter and let her know what the consequences are if she steps out of line again, this way she'll know as well.

In my household, it helps when the punishment is strict and short.
No friends, TV, phone, computer, etc for 24 hours - this way she can be good long enough to earn the privileges back.

Good luck to you and your daughter, teenage years are tough.