I have a 5 year old niece who, I believe, is being neglected. My sister (her mom) is an alcoholic and she has shown no real signs of trying to quit. There have been times that she has passed out when she is 'taking care of' my niece. She was arrested at my nieces school and now the child protective services has stepped in and there is going to be a team assessment meeting tomorrow. I'm pretty sure the meeting will be to discuss what will happen with my niece as far as day care stuff like that. They have order my sister to not have any unsupervised time with my niece. Her father is a good man and is working 3 jobs while my sister sits on her butt and does nothing but drink. But, he seems to have his head buried in the sand because he has allowed my sister to be the primary care giver while knowing that she has been drinking. I offered to pay for day care and he still hasn't gotten her into a daycare. I believe that my sister is not going to get better without going into an inpatient program for 3-6 months. I tried to talk to her about that and she said absolutely not! The CPS worker has recommended for her to go into a program and it doesn't cost any money but, I don't think my sister will do it. What does this mean for my niece? Does her father deserve to have my niece or am I being too simpathetic? My family thinks that I should take custody of her, I just want what is best for her and to keep her safe! Does anyone know what will most likely happen in the meeting, tomorrow? Can I give an ultimatum to my brother-in-law. I want to tell him to leave my sister or else!

Are your sister and her husband still together? If so then someone will have to take her or she will become a ward of the state until "mom" and "dad" are up to par with what the state thinks is OK. By not going into a program, your sister could lose her child forever, if she fights the state, then there will be more problems to come. They have the power here. Tell her that. If it comes down to the state taking the girl, then you can ask permission to hold her for a period so they can re assess the situation with her parents! Good luck!
As for the father, he was letting her knowingly do this, so I am assuming here that they will not let him have the child.

Yes, they are married and living together. Do you think that is what the meeting is going to be about, where to place her until they get their stuff together?

Oh of course I do. If she got arrested at the child's school and is passing out while the child is in her care. Yes, I do so think this.
They are going to assess the situation, and clearly it isn't a good one. The next step will be encountered after they decide whether the child can stay or not. You have to ask questions. You need to tell your sister to make the right decisions and to make it clear that she knows now she has done wrong. She should even ask for help as far as I am concerned. That way they know she wants to keep her child. And she should be willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
As far as you taking on the responsibility, well, tell the state that you are willing (if you are) so they know they will not have to place her in foster care. You need to get a list of things that are needed by their standards to have a child in your home htough. How old are you?

I'm 28. I love my niece and want to do whatever it takes to make sure she is safe. I am a little worried about taking custody of her just because I don't have kids and an instant 5 year old will be a big responsibility, which I can handle, I'm just nervous about the whole thing. What do you think the emotional response will be for a 5 year old to be taken from her parents. If it happens, what can I do to make it an easier transition for her as well as myself and my boyfriend?

I would wait and see what they say tomorrow. You could at least fill out paper work to get the ball rolling, you will need to talk to the girls case worker. It would be a huge transition, especially for some one with no experience with kids living in. I wish you luck. I would love to help and support you through all of this, but first we need to find out if the child must leave;)
So tomorrow you may find out and you can go to that "hearing" as it should be something you are allowed to sit in for! Ask questions and keep asking questions to the case worker and the mother, you will be better informed on what options are out there.
If you are sincerely worried that she is in danger, do not keep quiet! It doe not matter that this woman is your sister, it may be hard, but it is the child that can't make her own decisions, it is her who matters the most. As for her being able to have her baby back, I hope she decides to take charge and make the changes necessary if that is what the state asks for! Especially if she has a lot of family support. I have known some really "not together" mothers that a year later are wonderfully together. So don't give up on your sister, just make sure the child is safe!;)

So lets get through tomorrow and see what comes of it!

Well, they decided to have the meeting today. I was on the phone during it. It was decided that my sister is going into a 45day program and my niece is going to come and stay with me for that time. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will work and my sister will get clean and we won't have any more problems. I know she can be a good mom, when she stopped drinking before, she was good with her daughter. I just pray that this program will work and she will work at it. Thanks for your help. What sort of things do you think I should do to make the transition to my home easy?

Ohh this is great! I wish your sister the best as well. You are a sweet auntie and sister to care for her;)
Ok, I suppose I would start by asking mom what she normally does, what time she wakes, what time she goes to bed, is there a routine? If you need to, over time you can change this, but gradually... very gradually, you may not even have her for that long.
Second thing is let her bring to your house what ever is hers, let it be hers, let her have some space.
Third is I would make sure she had a place to go to sit and think... she may be 5 but she is still able to need time to herself.
Make meals together, let her add ingredients, and stir... as much as possible, keep her busy with constructive things to do. Baking, cooking, art, glue and paints, treasure hunting outside, lots of outdoors... I wouldn't take her to a carnival every night, I would stick this thing out at home, and make it pleasant.;)
You will get to know what she really enjoys and what she doesn't.
As time allows, let her get close to you... let her trust you. You know it all depends on what kind of attitude she has. YOu may have more questions in the long run. Feel free to ask! You really just need to make sure she feels safe and comfy, and busy. 5 year old can get tired and cranky too, so be on the look out... plenty of water and understanding has been my tool for the grumps... or a silly dance or face usually does the trick;)
Also if you say yes to something, follow through... AND if you say no to something, follow through. Don't be too quick to answer, think about it first. Often times we say no when we could have easily said yes, and we do the same in the opposite.;)
Man, there are so many things and ideas, I suppose as the questions come, you can ask away!;) Hugs and love... and thank you for helping her, you are a special person for doing so... your boyfriend too...

Thank you so much for all of your help. It looks like things are still kindof up in the air. We found out that the state does not offer financial support for things like day care if my niece is not staying with my brother-in-law while my sister is in rehab. So, he is trying to figure out if he can change his work schedule and finding day care and baby sitters. If she doesn't actually live with us, I will still be taking her for long weekends and stuff like that. You really have helped me with ideas and how to make this a more comfortable situation for my niece. I really appreciate it! We are lucky to have a second bedroom in the house which would turn into hers and I will make sure she is able to bring some of her own stuff to make it more enjoyable for her.
I do have a question about her development. Do you know how far along a 5, almost 6 year old should be with reading. She seems to have difficulty reading and remembering words that she sounded out only minutes before.

Well, it depends on the child. Is she going to kindergarten next year?

She is in kindergarten right now. I think she is going to have to redo kindergarten next year. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, I'm not sure. I just want to make sure she is not being effected badly through what has been going on with my sister. I'm sure she doesn't get the reading practice she needs at home

Well, then it would be a really good thing to read to her when you see her. If she has to re-do kindergarted, it isn't going to be bad. You could (if you are allowed) get to the school and for some of those, site word little books... I will look to see if I have any here and where they might get them and I will direct you. With a little one, sight words are great and they can learn by memorization. Over and over you can point to each word, say it with her the first few times then let her do it, you will be surprised how fast it goes. She also needs to be able to write her ABC's and One two threes! If you can get her to have fun with it... like laying cards out with the numbers and letter (separate) and have her pick the one you yell out... you can get really excited when she gets it and re-do the one she doesn't, after you say it first.;)
There are so many great ways to help her, while she is with you , you guys can play so many games, even go fish gives her a way to learn her numbers. There are so many cool and fun things to do with a kid her age. Making learning fun is the best and most accomplished way of getting the learning done!

Kindergarten Sight Words (http://www.milforded.org/schools/jfk/craig/sightwords/)
Start here. And it shows some great activities...

She's in kindergarten this year. I think she is going to have to do kindergarten again next year, though. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, I just want to make sure she's not going to end up far behind where she should be. I didn't have a lot of help getting through school and I don't want her to end up the same.

Amber, you will do fine. Just help her read... just make some flash cards or buy them... this will do wonders for her. It is good you are thinking along these lines. I wasn't good with school either, but I will be damn if my kids aren't going to make it, and make it good. Some kids take a bit longer than others, some kids don't. So to help her, you can do very basic things to help her. It may be a bit of work at first, but it will pay off and it does end up being really fun!

I hope she gets to spend some good time with you! You sound really worried.
Have you heard anything els today? Does she get to stay with dad? While mom is away? Did mom say she would go to treatment or did she get ordered to go?

Nothing new today. My sister is going to an intake meeting on Friday. CPS 'recommended' she go into a program. I don't think they actually ordered it but, through the meeting, it was recorded as action she needs to take.
The dad is supposed to find out about his work schedule today. If he cannot change his schedule, they are interviewing people to watch my niece and take her to school when he goes to work.
It's all still sortof up in the air. My sister doesn't even have a back up plan if this facility doesn't have space available. I tried to ask her about that this morning but she just got upset and said that she is doing to best she can and everything is overwhelming. Maybe I am being too hard on her, I just have a bad feeling that she is some how going to get around going. At least CPS did order her not to be alone with her daughter, and they assigned a social worker to go to the house and make sure everything is going okay.
I just now got the summary report from the meeting and it looks like her educational needs are going to be looked at, thank goodness!

Great job Amber!
I bet she is overwhelmed, this is a hard thing to go through especially if she isn't ready to receive help. Having your kids taken away or having to be supervised with your own kids is a warning that she will need to take in at her own pace. This may be the best lesson to get the "good" ball rolling, just remember that. It may take time and as long as the child has a safe place to be, then during the process it will be best!
I wish you and her all the luck in the world. Try and support your sister to get on the right track, there is no need to put her down anymore, the damage is done! It just needs to be undone;) So the more support your sister has, the better it will be to get everything as normal as possible for the little girl.
Nice job on getting the ball rolling at school. Good call!
Feel free to vent here and ask as many questions as you want:)

Those are some great ideas for activities to help my niece. Thank you for your help. I am really trying to get over being angree so that I can start to support my sister.

Thank you again!

Good, I know its really hard... I have been where you are, except it wasn't my sister. Let me tell you that mother did everything possible to get her kids back... but it took some pushing from me and a few others to help her along the way, even fostering them for about a year, they were with me for a little over three months at the end and someone else for the first part. With a lot of help and encouragement it really did work. So I know it can if she feels the heat. BUT being angry that your niece was treated bad is to be expected, and will help with your motivation to help your sister.;) Just take your time and tell your sister you love her, you love her daughter, and you are willing to do what it takes for them to be together.

Hey you Amber, just wondering how you are coming along with any new info;)

Mom and Dad found someone who can watch my niece between the time that he goes to work and she has to be in school. I will be watching my niece pretty much when I want to. Because the state won't pay for any daycare unless he is the primary care giver.
I've let go of some of the anger, enough to be able to talk to my sister cordially. I e-mailed the sight word website to my brother-in-law so that they will start to work with her on those. I have gotten some of the activities ready to go so we can start working on them at my house. I will be watching her this weekend.
I'm still worried because it turns out that the facility that my sister wants to go to may not have room for 4 weeks. That's a long time for all this to go on... I guess it's just a wait and see at this point.

I know its hard... thing take time to organize and get the ball rolling. So glad you got the chance to give in to some of the anger. Not that I think you should just let her get away with it, (she wont) but I would hate to see a sister have to be the one to give disapline. If that makes any sense at all.
The dad seems to be willing to help and do good things! Your parents are willing, you are willing. Wow what a great circle for this child and mother to have around them! I just have a good feeling about this!
Why are you so worried about the time on the facility? It may do her some good to think about things, and to have to be supervised to be with her own child, there is a lesson to be learned in that. Not every "wait" is always bad;)

Hello, I hope you are doing well. I found out, today, from my mom that my sister drank on Wednesday. She lied to me and said that everything is going well and that she is doing well and going to meetings and keeping busy. How do I support her if she's going to just give me lip service and lie to me? I feel like now that she doesn't have any responsabilities, it just makes it easier on her. I am bending over backwards and she can't stay away from alcohol for 2 days...

Amber, your sister is going to do what ever she wants. You support the good. When she does something good, commend her for it. You are allowed to be angry, I would be too. You don't have to support the bad. Remember if she is an alcoholic, this whole situation is putting stress on her and she will be more apt to turn to drinking. Only she can make the decision not to. Your anger toward her isn't going to help. (that is why you can come here anytime to vent) You can vent to your mom, you can vent to your boyfriend.
What about your niece, how is she? You are going to see her this weekend right?;)

Amber, I need a bit of info to get the situation right in my head, if you don't mind that is.
1. Where is mom living
2. Where is child living
3. Where is dad living
4. When mom is with daughter, where is it and who watches over them when they are together?

It has only been 3 days since you posted this and I am assuming by the words and today's and tomorrows that you used all this came about on the 20th, is that correct?
If so, 3 days is not long enough for anything to sink in, she is going to have a really hard time being sober and knowing that she really messed up. She is going to want to drink, she is going to want to not live in reality. We have to give her a little bit of time. I am hoping she will come around, it isn't a promise, but I am willing to bet that if she has the support of her husband and her mom and you, she can get through this!
You can be angry Amber, be angry here, she has a illness, she needs help.

You worry about that pretty little niece and let her worry about her... she has to help herself love.

You make me feel so much better by putting everything into perspective.

My sister, her husband and my niece all live together in a 2 bedroom apartment about 45 miles from me. As child services ordered, my sister is not allowed to be with my niece alone. They now have a babysitter that my brother in law takes my niece to in the morning and she takes her to school. Then, she is in daycare until her dad picks her up and then she is with both parents at night. They have another sitter that will watch her if her dad has to work late or on the weekends that I cannot take her. I will have her this weekend, picking her up after work on Saturday and taking her home on Monday.

This whole thing started on Thursday, 5/15, when she got arrested. I took my niece for the weekend, called child services on Monday, after having an argument with her on Sunday. She drank both Saturday and Sunday. Child services showed up to the house on Monday (5/26). The team meeting was on Tuesday where it was decided that she would be coming to live with me for the summer while my sister went to rehab. Then, we found out that child services will only pay for daycare and family counseling if dad is the primary care giver for her. Then, I had to go to their house 3 am Wednesday to be there while dad went to work and take her to school. Then sister drank that day after telling me her plan to go to meetings and stay sober. Not a whole lot has happened since then but, Thursday I tried to support my sister by talking to her on the phone and talking about what is going on and being nice to her. Then, I found out today that she lied to me and drank on Wednesday. I tried to talk to her today about how things are going but she just said that everything is going great and she is going to her meetings and counseling. It looks like the rehab place won't have a bed for 4-6 weeks. My fear with that is that it is going to become too easy for my brother-in-law to just run to the store or something and leave my niece with my sister. He just seems so complacent about the whole situation, where it would be such a chore to get her and take her with him for a small errand.

She is such a beautiful, energetic little girl. And I know that the only thing I can really do is take care of her the best I can and I cannot control what my sister does. I just don't know when to believe her and when not to. She's been lying and manipulating people her whole life that she a pro.

I am trying to look at the bright side of things as well. My brother-in-law is taking more of an interest in what happens with his family, I get to spend more time with my niece and my boyfriend is being really supportive and he's also enjoying having my niece over for the weekends.

Wow, Amber... this is a tough situation. The thing is, I know you can't trust her. I know you can't believe what she tells you to be truth. I know that hurts, not only yours and her relationship, but it hurts everyone around her. There is a part of me that wants her husband to kick her to the curb and get all possible help from the state to help take care of his daughter, until she wakes up and realizes that she has made a huge mess for her little family. Then there is a part of me that says no... she needs the support to be on her way to healthy living. It is midnight here, I know my mind is racing trying to figure something out, so I can give you advice on how to make things better. I wish I had all the answers, but it seems clear that the only thing (right now) to do is wait till your sister gets into rehab. Not only will they help her with the drinking, they will help her see a more clear picture to what she will need to do when she finishes the program. They can't make her better, and she will soon find out that this has to be her decision. I do know though that she will not want to go on with life with supervision... I can only hope that one day she will want to be able to be with her daughter enough to follow through by taking some healthy steps to be a better mother. Amber, try to be patient, these things take time, especially since you are dealing with the "system"... You are doing good things, and for that I am thankful to you;)
Keep your chin up and when you can make that important positive impact on your niece! I am here and I will be with you through the whole thing! I am going to be sending all of my positive thoughts your way, your nieces way and her families way. I would love to see you coming back here, even if only to say what you want, be mad, be happy, be sad, be whatever you feel in the moment. You are allowed, this is someone you love... both your sister and your niece. Please keep me posted;)

Wow, Amber.....this is a tough situation. The thing is, I know you can't trust her. I know you can't believe what she tells you to be truth. I know that hurts, not only yours and her relationship, but it hurts everyone around her. There is a part of me that wants her husband to kick her to the curb and get all possible help from the state to help take care of his daughter, until she wakes up and realizes that she has made a huge mess for her little family. Then there is a part of me that says no....she needs the support to be on her way to healthy living. It is midnight here, I know my mind is racing trying to figure something out, so I can give you advice on how to make things better.


That is exactly how I am feeling, I keep going back and forth about what I think should happen. Sometimes I think he should just kick her out so they can get on with their lives.

It feels good to have somewhere that I can vent and change my mind at the drop of a hat which is so easy to do!
Looks like we're in the same time zone... ;)

Leaving work now, hopefully I will get some good sleep. I've got a busy, fun filled weekend ahead of me.:D

Good night

Have a great weekend! I hope lots of cute and funny stuff happens!! :D ;)

Hi Amber, I am wondering how the weekend went? How is your niece? Any new news? You doing OK? Hope so! ;)

Hi,

The weekend was nice. We played, had a timeout, then played some more. I took her to our company picnic, that was fun... she's such a cutie!
No new news so far... everything is pretty much the same.
I hope you had a great weekend as well.

I did have a great weekend! A mother of four... the kids all went camping with dad so I had the whole weekend to myself, it sure was nice!
Nice to hear about your weekend! She sounds like a cutie! Lucky Auntie!;) Anytime you need to say anything, I am here! See you soon!

Amber, how are things for you and your niece? How is your sister coming along?

My sister is still drinking and supposedly still waiting to get into the facility that she contacted. Something happened that made her quite upset with me and probably with my brother, also.
My mom went into the hospital on Friday. She was feeling faint and has had a liver and spleen problem for awhile. We decided not to tell my sister because we thought that might put too much stress on her and give her another excuse for drinking. Well, she found out and called me and we got into an argument about it. I guess she has a right to be angry, she thinks that I didn't tell her because I think she doesn't have the right to know. That's not why I didn't tell her. I feel kindof bad and maybe I was in the wrong but, I was just doing what I thought was right. My mom is doing okay, they are doing blood tests and giving her antibiotics because of a sinus infection. They promised her that they would keep her there until they find out what is going on and she is doing better.

My brother-in-law kindof pissed me off. I was supposed to have the weekend without my niece and he sprang her on me at the last second. I thought he was just coming by the hotel to borrow some money and he didn't mention anything about having my niece until he showed up and just left her with us.

Amber, I am so sorry about your mom. That must have been scary. I hope she gets healthy and happy again!
Your sister is going to have many ups and downs, she is going to have to deal with them, drinking or not. You won't be able to save her from everything. You did what you thought was right, that's OK! If you put herself in her shoes, she probably feels like a total loser, as well she probably thinks every one is out to get her now. So, anything you do that is aside from giving her money or watching her girl is going to seem like a threat, no matter if it is going to help her in the long run!
As for your BIL, When he gets off work and back to the house, I think it would be wise to tell him... "Brother in law, I never want you to be without someone to care for your daughter, and I want to make this situation easier on you, there are just a few ground rules we need to live by until this is all over. One of them will be unless it is an emergency, you will never be allowed to drop her off unplanned. You will need to give me notice in order for me to help you with her." and so on, you can tell him even more ground rules, but make sure it has nothing to do with controlling his or your sisters behavior. Only things like bring enough clothes for her and make sure you call and make plans for me to watch her first. "She is always welcome here because I love her, but sometimes it doesnt go along with the plans I already have."
Amber, you have to stay strong! Only worry about your niece and if you think it is a dangerous and bad position, then take appropriate action! All you can do is kill time and rant if you would like to here! The real issue is making sure she is taken care of. It was wrong of your BIL leave her when he never even asked and I would be pissed too! I am truly sorry you have to go through this! I know it has to be hard. Just stick to the facts, don't listen to any drama, don't make any drama, and keep your head on straight. You will and your niece will come out of this just fine;) Hugs and love, Starty

Amber... how are you? How is your niece and your sister?

Hi Amber... just seeing how everything is. I hope you are enjoying your summer!

All right, I just wanted to check in one more time;)
Hope you and the family are doing great! I wish the best for all of you...

My niece is now 16.I have been kept from her all her life.we have been on Facebook and it was good to see her finally after 16 years.Now her mom is now asking by e-mail to please not contact her.She is old enough and it'd her mom doing this--what can I do?? I live in North Carolina.