I want testimonials on the results of break ups.

I want to know how many went back and how many didn't. Why and how are appropriate.

This is to let all of us people with severely broken hearts know if there is hope and give us the confidence to be confident when they do leave.

A lot of people say leave them alone after they leave, has that worked for anyone, has it backfired?

Not a specific relationship question because I have slowly answered my own questions with some help from blunt individuals like wildcat.

Oh yeah, if your reading this looking for answers, sorry. The following posts won't answer your questions, only time will and maybe not even then. I hope this gives us all something to relate to, both sides of the coin.

Good Luck!

Most don't come back. Why because they are ex's. But, if you stay in touch. Maybe when they go through other relationships and they don't work out. She may come back to you. So, be friends. Keep in touch and do not think about who she is with.

I have found that the best way to go about these types of things is to now think about them coming back at all. My ex told me she was going to come back, and did nothing of the sort. Cutting communication is the best thing for your sanity, and moving on will follow in due time. It's important to remember who you are and what you hold as important in your life. Learn from the bad times and grow from them.

This is easy Rule no one If they need a break give it to them,then ride off into the sunset and don't look back! :cool: :)

I can tell you the best way to do it, but people usually screw it up, get all needy and paranoid about 'losing them' - they end up doing that movie crap.

People don't want to feel that the other person is making them their life. You can't.

It's called a break because you did something to push them away. People need to realize they need to act the way they did when they first met - they want that carefree, fun person - NOT the jealous, needy, possesive, clingy person you became.

A BIG key is how you handle the break... you can't beg, promise, even talk it thorugh - they are DONE. You need to say "Ok, what ever you want, I want you to be happy - Ok? bye" and walk a way. Period. End of story. Not contact them or return ANY communication for AT LEAST 2 months.

You go on with your life - imporving yourself. Figure out what pushed them away - BECAUSE IT WAS YOU THAT PUSHED THEM AWAY. WORKOUT, Work harder at work/school, get back with ALL your friends.

More often than not though... you probably became jealous and got in fights over it - not good.

AND PLEASE - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! No mushy e-mails, letters, text. It's all verbal - on the phone to start AFTER two months. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! - after the two months don't ask for them back - youck!! This takes time - you have to sort of friend them and slowly work yourself back.

All right, I am going to comment based on member wildcats posts in another forum.

He said, as his advice always states, that after basically ignoring her calls for about 3 months, she returned. Only he can say exactly what the circumstances were, but I do want to put that out there.

For me personally, I am going to do my best to be disconnected from her, but there is so much between us that crosses relationship boundaries that it is almost impossible to completely disconnect. Also as a rule I am going to not be clingy which is a very common mistake as I have done (Begging her not to go etc) but still make sure she doesn't forget about me.

A balance needs to be met for it to work for me, although it may not work.
I normally don't do things like post on forums but you guys have really shed some light and been people to talk to. If this post is what you are looking for great, if not keep reading the others, or post your own, I had a few responses in the first day. But this may not answer all you questions anyway.

Oh yeah, BE STRONG!

Obviously he posted before I got done typing. Rofl. But it is still good for everyone to know it worked out for him in the end and he doesn't give blind advice.

This is a direct question for Wildcats, as I just thought of it.

One of the things I did to court my girlfriend the first time was most of the sappy crap. Letters/notes/flowers and what not. She has, since this all occurred, mentioned that those were some of the things she wanted back. That would definitely ride right next to the fact that I need to appreciate her more in general (Wonder why she wants to leave right?). But should I/WE-ALL avoid the sappy crap anyway or at least until we are done being their friend again. Also while you were being your girl's friend after the psuedo-reunite, when did you know you had her back? I am asking very specific questions, not for a template but for a case study. I know that my situation will be slightly different, but it will help me more if I can see a little of what she may be thinking.

It will take me a while to resolve to forget her. Also some more questions...

I know you did STUFF to help pass the time, but did you change your thought process, and decide to forget her, or hope in silence?

I have found that the best way to go about these types of things is to now think about them coming back at all. My ex told me she was going to come back, and did nothing of the sort. Cutting communication is the best thing for your sanity, and moving on will follow in due time. It's important to remember who you are and what you hold as important in your life. Learn from the bad times and grow from them.

Got the 'spread it message', so here's my ATTABOY, Jeff. Mom2
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_11.gif (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_11.gif)

Personal experience has taught me that no two relationships are alike. I took a two year break and he came back - we are still together, but I plan on moving soon to help my daughter raise her baby. I love him, but I have priorities and if he wants to keep it going he will need to come to me. If not, then I go on with my life and not look back, but will not hate him and will stay in touch.

I'm 55 and my first 'fiance' and I still email each other today - we rehash a lot of fun and just share new news. It's always best to part on a friendly basis unless really hurt bad, that way it makes meeting on the streets easier in the future. Broken hearts heal quite well if you have a focus - and no one individual should be the center of your universe - not the way the world is today. The only person in my past that I would never have anything to do with again is my ex-husband who was a spouse abuser - otherwise, people will be people and we all go through changes in our lives.

This is a direct question for Wildcats, as I just thought of it.

One of the things I did to court my gf the first time was most of the sappy crap. Letters/notes/flowers and what not. She has, since this all occured, mentioned that those were some of the things she wanted back. That would definitly ride right next to the fact that I need to appreciate her more in general (Wonder why she wants to leave right?). But should I/WE-ALL avoid the sappy crap anyway or atleast until we are done being their friend again. Also while you were being your girl's friend after the psuedo-reunite, when did you know you had her back? I am asking very specific questions, not for a template but for a case study. I know that my situation will be slightly different, but it will help me more if I can see a little of what she may be thinking.

It will take me a while to resolve to forget her. Also some more questions....

I know you did STUFF to help pass the time, but did you change your thought process, and decide to forget her, or hope in silence?

As I said before, each relationship is different. Some gals like the romantic, spontaneous and humor in their lives - depending how they were raised. Others cannot show emotions because they never received any guiding in that area - yes, some parents can be downright cold and distant and this is what molds a person's personality. That, plus the good or bad influence they let into their lives along the way.


If you find the right person, you grow together and advance in the relationship and gain confidence and trust in each other. Make certain that you can spat and still go to bed not mad at each other, keep humor in your lives and be able to communicate about anything under the stars. The thought process you are talking about grows as you grow together and almost become one - keeping individuality though, is also very important. And, then remember, no person is 100% perfect - but as long as there is willingness to share - you can't go wrong.

About forgetting - no way, we never forget, it just loses strength and pain, and we file it away. It's part of the process of learning from influence in your life. And about hope - there's always hope as long as you live - put it in the appropriate perspective though.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_9_5.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)It's better to have tried for that bit of happiness, than run away from it - you might miss your chance in life.

Yeah. Thanks again everyone.

I talked to my girl last night, she had another hard day. Friends grandmother died, so very touchy. But I did tell her I was not going to stop her and it really feels OK that she is going to leave. I am only afraid that I may lose interest, but who knows now. Love is crazy and we will see where it takes us.

My advice at this point to anyone, is to look to your friends. Although she may be gone and you feel like there is no one to talk to. Your friends will still be there. They will tell you whatever you need to hear, and not in a bad way.

I am going to try to have a good time during the break, or for the rest of my life, whichever ends first!

Again Good Luck everyone.

Hi,
The answers you have received are Excellent. I tried giving Chery another "approval", but got the pop-up!
At 24 yrs old, I was married for the first time to a 20 yr old lady. Knew her for 4 yrs before we got married. Had 2 sons. But, it didn't work out. I was divorced with 2 boys, ages 5 and 6, paying child support (for a LONG time).
After a year, met another lady. We had a good relationship for 2 yrs, and then got married... been 29 years now!
Life is strange, and the only way for me is to just accept what happens, do something about if I can. If not, then go on to the next issue.
At 20 yrs old, I got my first "Dear John" letter from my 4 yrs. Old High school sweetheart. I thought after college for both of us, we would eventually be married... didn't work out, she found someone else while going to a different college than me.
If things don't work out for you, you will never forget her. Happiness will return, and you will remember her and the good times for as long as you live.
I do wish you the best of luck. Forgetting someone isn't really "forgetting". Getting over the hurt does take time. Know what helps the most? Meet and talk with new girls!

Dude - I don't care what she is going through... cut the contact... your just being a 'nice guy' and killing the attraction. You moving quickly into her friend zone... never to return. Trust me. She fired you. You're not going gwork your way back.

The romantic stuff is great IN SMALL DOSES - AND ONLY IF SHE IS INTO IT. Some women, as Chery stated, can not handle the romanic stuff - it makes them reoulsed and, as Chery stated.

I have a strong feeling you over did it. Ughhhhh and yo udid it early on? She probably liked it for a while and the attention... then became repulsed - she won't ever tell you that either.

Even if your gal likes it... do it VERY small doses... LESS IS ALWAYS MORE WITH WOMEN. Few romanic things... fewer calls... fewer times seeing your mug...

It keeps them WANTING... you over do it or do it often and it means NOTHING to them. NOTHING!!

So please take great care in the romantic stuff - stuff like that WILL push them away - always. I'd say 85% of the time you treat a gal like you treat your friends - tease them, make her laugh, bust on her, talk serious, LISTEN to her... about 15% or less be more romantic.

To get my gal back... I cut the contact for 3 months... she called 3 times during that time... at the end she tried to show up to parties and places I was supposed to be at - but I had good intelegence and didn't show. I fianally called her - short call - asked to meet for coffee and catch up... we chatched briefy through out the weeks - I wouldn't always return her call right away... break a date... be busy. I changed my way - she wasn't as important - wasn't my life anymore and she loves me for that. Slowly worked my way back - NEVER talked to her every day. No e-mails no text. The key is to figure out WHAT pushed her away - and then change - SHOW you've changed.

But by being there still for her, she'll never come back. PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. She has you.

You sound a little needy - I hope you didn't do too much romantic stuf? I bet you called her 5 times a day? I bet you were too available to her?? Always there - never saying no. Blowing off your friends.

You need a life and she has a life... never neglect the other things in life - work, friends, family etc.

I have a feeling you put her on a pestal? Yuck.

Women don't think in logic... they aren't guys - it's the #1 things guys don't get!! They use their felings. It's how you make them feel - do they feel good around you? Are they sick of you?

My gal Loves tulips... I would buy her tulips everyday if I could - but she would be repulsed by this - I'd buy her a field of tulips... but she would hate it. I buy her tulips every now and then. Less is more.

Wildcat tells the truth...

I think I gave the last girl I was dating some "mixed" signals of whether I was interested or not and she sort of called me on it. At the time, I was confused what I wanted so I pulled back. However, now, I realize that I do like her and I guess part of this realization comes from the fact that she pushed me away. I am now trying to not come across as "needy"/desperate/etc...

However, on whether ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,etc...

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :)

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :) There is something to the laziness and/or fear of rejection that we all go through, but it usually has to be resolved and we go on with our lives with more experience under our belts.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_9_10.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Those lazy routines can get old quick enough, so you have to keep going, either with your current partner or a new one. Nobody likes things to get 'old' or 'comfy' - these are relationship killers too! So, for the future, think about getting spontaneous.

Two huge reasons for the no contact rule...

1. you have to give them the gift of missing you.

2. you need time to get thme out of your head, gain your power back, figure out what pushed them a way and fix it.

Agreed, telling her that I was OK with her going and NOT showing her the emotion got her to lighten up, not reconsider, but lets just say it was a VERY good weekend. Even though she is still moving.

About me being TOO romantic, ROFLMAO! Not I sir. In the beginning a little, but one of her complaints is that she feels like we are friends that... You know.

That is what I am working against. We already have plans for the day after she moves out. I know that becoming a friend is NOT what I want and she is well aware. Eitherway we will see, I may try to blow off the date (Not remind her, etc) She got real antsy when I mentioned that I was hanging with one of my old friends (She thinks he is a player, lol) and she is scared. (Or at least that is how I interpret her reaction.

Wildcat you are right about giving them space a letting them miss you. For me, I am not so romantic and NEVER do the nice stuff... Which is why she is leaving... partly. Mostly for freedom, but a bit is my fault, and even some is my A**hole friends.

Keep truckin/

Well - I actually think that's good that you don't do a lot of romantic stuff. Women SAY they want all that... but you do too much and they will leave. You do that romatic few and far between and you are OK.

Don't let her ever dictate who you hang out with... if the guy is a good guy.

I have a friend who just went through no contact... he saw his gal in a new light... she was out with some creep she had dated before him... he was repulsed, go all his power back because he was on a date with a hot gal... his old gal wanted his attention and he did nothing. He is over her now.

Sometimes we have a DREAM of what the relationship should be... BUT IT'S NEVER REALITY OR THE TRUTH!!

I think her moving is good for both of you to figure out what attracted you in the first place and also see what qualities you miss in each other. Also what each of you have invested in the relationship to help it grow.

As said, some girls like spontaneous romance, and it's nothing for a man to be squeemish about - romance never dies - it's not a chore, but something you should think about freely and tenderly.

If you are not into this, for some reason or another, then a part of your emotional make-up is missing. You'll eventually find it and the macho will get a place in the back row soon enough if you really have a future because you'll both meet each other half-way.

Good luck, and look ahead.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)If romance if really dead, then why is there a Valentine's Day and those special surprise gifts that some men think about? There is an even amount to share and not overdo it.

I wanted to leave one last post on this subject now that my girl has moved out and I have talked to her once.

As I have said before my girlfriend didn't leave many options for me to not talk to her, but for now I know I must avoid it. (She left half her stuff at the house)

I think I understand why its necessary to both a) let them leave, and b) not speak to them for a good while.

First is that if you really loved them and they feel they need to leave, you and your partner are not in sync. So after they leave and you are a mess... that is not the time to talk to them. As hard as I try to be strong and act like it is cool that she is gone, I barely keep it together on the phone and the conversation doesn't flow nicely. She wants to talk but she knows everything I want to say and definitely does not want to hear any of it, not that I say it but it is always on both our minds. So time will give us a chance to miss each other which I know she already has, she told me in the one conversation, but she also says she is still excited to be able to do things she really wants to.

To me this means for her to want to come back, she is going to need to bore herself with what she is doing and remember me... Not that living with that hope is what you should do. Resolving that I know I love her, and I know she is gone for now, and maybe this is the best thing for both of us.

Now comes to the part of the dumped. As soon as you can do something fun, do it. Staying at home will depress you and ultimately make you a person that no one, especially not your girlfriend or ex-gf depending on if your on a break, or a break-up, will want to talk to.

Now if people are looking to get there partners back quickly, forget it. If you think it isn't going to hurt for a while, forget it. You can't avoid it. Right now I feel this clarity, but on my long drive home I know I am going to struggle to hold it together.

But the hope that once I rebuild myself, and decide if I want her back, then I will make the effort and get her back. I know she would come back in the future, just the present takes so damn long.

Stay strong Bro. I've been there.

She CAN'T ever know you're suffering. She wants confidence. She Won't come back to a guy who isn't having a fun, interesting life.

I started work out a lot - body building - it helped a lot.

Again - figure out what pushed her away.

And - you HAVE TO: DATE, DATE, DATE!! - even if your not in it for anything too serious... just date.

Hi,
One of the mysteries of life is that she may not come back, and by that time, you just may not want her back.
Waiting for someone doesn't always work out; because there are two people involved. Please be ready to accept it, if the relationship doesn't work out in the future. And I agee with seeing others. The longer one waits for someone, the more strain, stress, and emotions they put on themselves.

Tried to rep you fred... but couldn't. Great stuff.

I'd add... waiting for someone NEVER works out. She is more inclinde to come back if she knows you HAVE moved on and are dating. She won't come back to a guy waiting around.

She knows I'm not waiting too long.

Between us in the post I went out and hooked up with a girl, nothing below the waist, but still something to boost my confidence (Sorry ladies).

I am not the type to wait and not go out. I am way more inclined to go out now more than ever. Sitting at home waiting for whatever will kill me. She knows it and I do believe that either I will find someone else, or she will come back. I know one or both may happen so I know life goes on. But to let you know wildcat, I am not the type to shower her with romantacism, but I was possesive. Now I know and hopefully she will let me prove that I know to her. We have always been great friends, even when we were together so I know we will never stop talking after I get done trying to avoid her.

Again wildcat, thank you for the advise and I hope that anyone that reads can learn at least a little. But know, there is no cure for the pain. You have to look past it everyday until you find that your not looking past it, or at least I hope that happens one day.

On another note, sorry for double posts but...

This girl has me. As willing as I am to go out and meet people and what not, she will always have a part of my heart. I will in some way ALWAYS be waiting for her, whether she knows. For now I play the game and see what happens, I may meet someone just as amazing.

It's been my personal experience from my bygone years as a bachelor that when you make like you don't care and get on with your life without them, they have a way of crawling back in, whether you want them to or not. I don't know how or why this works. I guess people want to be needed so once they perceive that you're getting along just fine without them they try to find a space for themselves in your heart. I actually had an old girlfriend call me years later after I was married. Needless to say it was a very awkward experience for me and my wife. Admittedley I was the one who'd done the breaking up in this case but I've had girlfriends who'd broken up with me contact me weeks or months later as well. Usually my pride prevented me from reciprocating any interest in such cases. In one instance I actually had to go to court and apply for a restraining order because an ex-girlfriend who'd broken up with me weeks earlier wouldn't leave me alone. I guess she couldn't handle the fact that I wouldn't pursue her and her ego couldn't handle that so she took it as a rejection, despite the fact that she initiated the breakup. I truly believe the adage that we want what we can't have, so the more aloof you make yourself out to be, the more likely you are to have people pursue you.

The thing is, they will only come back after you are over them and don't want them to come back anymore. Move on, there are so many other people out there to date/go out with. ARG!!

My experience is move on. It's a waste of time to pine for what isn't any more.

Wasting time in a relationship that didn't work isn't worth beating yourself up about. Wasting time over a relationship that is likely over, now that is stupid.

I can say that cause I've done it myself.

How many people that break up w a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend are seeing that person again in 10 years? Few. How many people that get divorced marry the same person again. Few. It happens. Not often.

Something wasn't right. Sucks. Oops. Whatever. Pick yourself up and start again. There's a few billion other people out there. Chances are a few of them are better choices, eh?

Hi, JC,
You will "always be waiting" for her, in some way? You said that in your last post.
You will learn that this isn't true. If you will give yourself some time, while meeting others, you will find that there is a girl just for you, no games, with a great relationship that will be between you both.
Over 40 yrs ago, when my high school sweetheart, which I thought we would someday be married, found someone else, it took a year to get over her; so I could start dating again.
I didn't wait for her, and although I still remember her to this day, and the good times we had, I am not "waiting" for her.

One other question. On another forum I posted my situation. First I was told to let her be and to give her time. Then I was told that by telling her that she has all the time she needs and by doing something extremely romantic, he was able to get her back.

At this point I can't imagine doing something like that. How long would everyone propose I wait before making another stab at her. I know she is going to call and expect me to want to hang out in the next couple weeks. Should I just avoid it until I feel like we are comfortable together. Or try to throw her off early on and make a romantic gesture?

And Fred, you have said in other posts that you get a little teary when you think about your HS girl. If that isn't a place you saved in your heart for I don't know what is. I know that the time I spent with her will walk with me forever. Not so promenantly as that, but she will be there. Last night I thought I couldn't remember what she looked like and then 4 years of images of her came flooding back, from the day I met her to the day I... Her. I have a photographic memory and I reminded myself that. So I know where she is in my heart.

Don't get the idea that I am sappy and needy everyone because none of my friends think I am taking this hard, I don't show anyone but the net that. But I do know I love this girl with every piece of me and have to struggle not to call her ALL the time.

The man I am currently with broke up with me about 3 years ago. We had been together for about three-four years and we were fighting a lot and I kept on trying to "kick him out" because the things he was doing were not right for us or our children to be together. Well he kept saying no and doing his crazy wild things. Well, when I got my income check back at the end of the year (which I earned all on my own hard work) I gave him over $3500.00 to go to college and make something of himself as he said that is what he wanted to do. Two weeks later, he vanished. And I couldn't stand that he was the one to leave me, even though I kept telling him to get out! So I begged and begged him to come back for about 10 months. (we would be dating and sleeping together and all that in between-while he would see other people), but NE ways-he came back, we had another child together, and although we are still together, I still have similar problems with him everyday, I'm sick everyday (nerves)-all over our relationship. My point is... If they go a first time, it's probably for the best and not even worth it to take them back even if you get the chance.

Why on earth would you stay with guy? How about some logic??

Oh yeah... your a women... he gives those (unreliable) 'feelings'.

Crazy.

Wildcat there is something to say about the love people feel for each other. It doesn't make sense because as much as you hate someone, when they are gone you miss them. Personally bad relationships are everywhere, but as I currently struggle to allow my girl to do what she needs to, I would recommend you do what you need to depressed in MO. I would kill someone who would've said this to my girl, but who cares. If it makes you happier to think of not being with him then do it. Just because he may make your life easier and you have a lot vested in the relationship, it might be most healthy to end it. For your sake, and your children.

JC

No - it should make sense. The person you love should NEVER put you through the crap this guy has put her through. It's riidculous. Obviously you've never had a real partner.

You partner should NEVER make you 'put up with' anything. This guy has used you and abused you and you take it. Not healthy.

"But I do happen to believe love is blind" - No, I disagree 1000%. Women rely WAY too much on their feelings.

Just because you're attracted to someone does not mean you should EVER be with some one. This guy sounds like he has created a TON of heartache and trouble - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

I have a feeling he actually have some sort of mental (abuse) control/manipulation over you.

That is just a REALLY unhealthy relationship. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh! WHY would go through life like that??

This guy tells me he wants to be with me forever and he feels that we are soul mates and he will never leave me. I don't imply for him to tell me these things, he just tells me this whenever I tell him how how bad he is hurting me. He says "I'm not perfect and I never will be"-what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Well. He needs to grow up... and I BET he never will. Why eould you waste your time with someone like this?? I bet 100% you don't fully trust him - that's horrible.

Of course he tells you this - it's manipulation. Ever hear - TALK IS CHEAP? Words mean NOTHING without action.

You NEVER tell some one how you feel... YOU SHOW THEM by your actions.

I don't know your entire history, but this guy has showed you a lot... and it is mostly NOT good.

Soul mates? And he treats you like crap? Nice.

You don't trust. He doesn't respect you. He walks all over you.

With out trust and respect - you have nothing.

I want to start by agreeing with Wildcat and the previous posts, but also I want to ask wildcat some some questions...

So we are at about 2 full weeks of not living together (My girl and I), but she stopped by while I was out to get the rest of her stuff. She left me a note that was very nice, but it still hurt. Long and short is that she is 'pretty happy' and glad we ended things nicely. She wants me to call her one night 'if I want'.

Needless to say I didn't call her last night and I don't plan on callng her, not that I am not dying to talk to her but I think she needs at least another week alone with her stuff. So here is the question wildcat, would next week after her class which would be the 3rd week, be too soon to try to surprise her after class, maybe take her for a cup of coffee? Should I wait longer and make her stew more?

I almost definitely will do it if she tries to call again before next Wednesday. The surpise is something I only did once before, sitting on the back of her car waiting for her in the parking lot.

All right cat, give me your advice.

JC

No - I'd leave her alone for 3 months. She left you. She doesn't deseve your attention, presence. No contact, nothing for 3 month.

You need to work on yourself as well.

I also advise dating other people. Date, date, date.

You really want to think she wants you to surprise her?? No. She left - remember.

She left for a reason and you need to REALLY figure out why. What did you do to push her away?? Then you need to fix that problem - some people are jeoulous, needy, possesive... they quit spending time with their friends... quit doing their own things.

You never can completlewy surrender to someone.

I do thinks she wants to see me, and I know it will be a surprise. Personally Wildcat if that question was for me. I DO know what I did wrong. I have a laundry list of **** I need to do to be a better guy in general.

She left cause I stopped letting her do things she really wanted to do. Hanging out with guy friends, I was jealous and I didn't trust her gf's either. I know that now. I am going to see how I feel about waiting longer. I understand why 3 months is your expectation. But I know that I am going to do it when feel like I won't crumble and beg her to come back. But time may be necessary, I will go day by day.

In general as a note for prosty, I don't know if it still makes you heartbroken to think about your girlfriend. But it did for me , and still does, but seriously going out and having a good time and just forgetting she exists is your best bet until you really feel better about her.

I can look at the momentos of her now (Only weeks later) and I don't get the 'punched in the gut' feeling that I was getting. Trust me there are other girls who you will have a connection with, maybe not now or for months or even years. But the girl is out there and you have to assme that this one isn't the one.

Every breakup is just one step closer to 'the one'.

For now... Enjoy the single life, remember how much you wanted to hit on girls when you were hanging with your girl? Do that and enjoy it, it won't heal the pain, but it will hide it until you can better deal with it. Worst case you meet someone that is a better replacement, you know trade in for a better model?

Wow, lost track of which forum I was in when I did that last post...

Personally - I don't hink she wants to see you.

You wouldn't let her hang with her friends??

She wants a guy who confident - not jealous. Sounds like you were controlling - that's a real nice feature women want - nope.

If you were controlling and jealous - it's highly unlikely she will come back. Those are two key things women hate. They feel trapped - that which is trapped always wants to escape.

I agree with Wildcat. You need some distance from this situation to reflect over things... It it wasy to be blinded in these situations. You should have 5+ more dates with different women before you decide for sure that you want to get in touch with this girl again. And give it some time (2 + months)

Anothering thing that bothers me is she has a lot of guy friends?

Normal women don't need a lot of guy friends. The women that do - need a lot of attention - low, low self esteem.

Wome nwho need a lot of guy friends tend to cheat as well. They easily let their feelings get involved and will fool around.

I am not sure you want to be with him.

Wildcat,

Please don't bash me after I agree that I am jealous and have already stated that is why my girl left. I know that now. I know she just wanted to do a lot of the things she didn't feel she could do while she was with me.

Now explanation of why I didn't want her to hang out with the guy that asked her out on a date about a year ago. Which I did let her do, until the guy showed up decked out ready to court my girlfriend. That sir is why I was not comfortable with the guy. Also the girlfriend she had is a lesbian and needless to say my ex was not the straightest girl I've dated.

So if she had normal friends, like some chicks that wanted to go out, I would've let her. So I just want you all to understand I didn't MAKE her stay home with me, and I didn't not let her have friends. At this point if I had only trusted her more it may have been fine.

Needless to say I know the mistakes I made and already would let her do anything she wants but I HAVE offered her that but she says she needed to leave.

Also wildcat something that I personally believe is that both of us are better off splitting up. I don't believe that if I had acted exactly the way she 'needed' me to that she would've stayed.

We have been together since we were 18 and neither of us have ever gotten to hit a club/bar on our own since we turned 21 (I have now). You know playing the field without a partner on the bench. Needless to say we both know that we are as close as any 2 people could be. My intentions when I meet with are not to ask her back out or even mention us getting back together. I respect the fact that she was able to leave me and let us both pursue our lives on our own. So incedentally I don't want to be back with her any time soon, but I do very much want to keep in touch with her.

Why? Because she is my best friend as I have said before, regardless of who we are with or what we are doing.

I just thought you should know exactly how I feel about the situation. My being distraught is not because I want her back right now, but because I miss telling her what I did today. Not sex, not going to dinner.

Worst part is that I didn't know that's what I was going to miss. Because the latter is all we used to do. Eitherway I am going to do what I want. Which may be going and surprising her. And yes, in a week from now if she saw me squatting on her car, I know she would be pretty excited. I've seen the girl almost everyday for 4 years, its been 2 weeks and I know her. She is my friend and you all talk like that is a bad thing if we do end up friends. I don't get it, I do want her happy which is why in the end I let her go without a fight.

No, she doesn't have a lot of guy friends...

It's a good honest guy, wholesome (Hard to believe but he is) the guy that she had agreed to go out with. Eitherway no she doesn't have a lot of guy friends, but she has always hung out as one of the guys and I think lately she has felt like she wants to be more my girlfriend less my friend. I say I think, but she told me that, unprompted.

So yeah...

Like I had told you, attention and caring wasn't my strong points in the relationship and we went a long time resenting, but loving, each other.

Pretty disgusting I know but we both did care about each other more than we could handle which is why we put up with so much crap. It was a tough relationship for both of us and she knows it too.

Thank you all for your advice and please give more, but trust that these relationships you speak of in such broad terms are not that simple.

Oh but I am taking most of your advice cat. I haven't called her at all and if I hadn't posted I would've called her a good half dozen times. Also I am going to work out tonight AND looking forward to hitting the bar on st patty's.

So like I said keep the advice coming.

All right here is the update for my situation as we push 1 month.

I HAVE contacted her. For a while I had to go through her mom to tell her what other bills she had pending and a bunch of other crap. So rather than play a game of seeming like I can't talk to her because of how bad I feel. I called and told her mom I needed to talk to her about all that stuff and said I was going to ask her to play pool. I have yet to actually speak with her, its been over 3 weeks. But she emailed me the day after I called with answers to all the stuff I was going to talk to her about. So in my reply (Which I waited 2 days to write) I told her that she covered all the things I was going to say and told her that I was busy Friday (She thought she was going to meet up with me then). Incidentally I have a date Friday, Saturday, and Monday. NYC, College Party, and mountain biking respectively, all 3 different girls.

I don't plan on hanging out with her but I thought a little bit of confidence in contacting her but still avoiding her wouldn't hurt. I will still not call her back at this point since ALL business has been settled (I really couldn't avoid discussing the things I talked to her about).

Overall I have been having an awesome time of this whole process, except a little lonely, but I think after this weekend I won't have enough free time.

Rock on, I know I haven't followed the advice to a 'T', but I am expanding on the theory.

Update, she stopped by my parents house to pay me and my mom back. My mom tells me she seemed surprised and disappointed that I did not email her back. Although I did, she probably checked her email the next night and saw it wasn't there and hasn't checked again. Even though I contacted her initially I feel as though I am in control...

JC

Update, she stopped by my parents house to pay me and my mom back. My mom tells me she seemed surprised and dissappointed that I did not email her back. Although I did, she probably checked her email the next night and saw it wasn't there and hasn't checked again. Even though I contacted her initially I feel as though I am in control...

JC

Just a general question... why does everyone always have to play games with each other? Especially-if you are already broke up?

I read a lot of these posts and it is all about how to be the one in control of her or him, why can't we all just be in control of ourselves? For example, don't call them, let them call you... well what if they are thinking the same thing and no one calls anybody!
Just one example of a game.
It's ridiculous. Why is going with your heart considered "the wrong way"?
There is nothing wrong with calling somebody first, there is nothing wrong with approaching somebody first-nothing. It just shows that you are interested and in some cases-have more guts than the other party.
The most saddest thing in the world today is that people like to hurt each other-it seems to boost one's ego.
Then there are those "sensetive" ones out there who are good people, have good hearts, and can't understand why they are hurting so bad-why they get treated so bad. It's all BS.

I know from my experience with break-ups, leaving well enough alone is the best thing. If it was meant to be then it would be. I was with my high school sweetheart for 4 years, and we had a very hard break up (as we were engaged and living together.) I ended up getting my own place at the time and he did try to contact me several times (to the point where I had to change my ph#) and It made it very hard to move on. We could never be "just friends" again as we had shared too many intimate moments together that could never be forgotten. I found it was a lot easier to move on if we just didn't talk at all! I thought he was "the one" but obviously he wasn't. I thought I would never get over him, but I was only 21 at the time and so after a lot of partying (yea, I did my fair share of that!) and dating different people I forgot about him and now I don't even think about it anymore. I hope he is happy, actually, and I don't have any regrets.

Hmmm you know what ? I think it depends because whenhe/she goes and you just go on with your life, even date around I think he/she will come back if they see what they are missing. it happened to me once, although it was hardto let go but you haveto, have fun,date around and she'll be back,hope this helped.

Yes, that the ONLY way it works. But, if ot's broke on one end - move on... that's the only way you WILL find your soul mate.

I am a big pro-ponent of winback... BUT, you have to have really strong feelings for that person, there is NO cheating involved, NO abuse of any kind - verbal or physical. But, first asses the pros and cons of the relationship... is lust/smitten or love??

It's ridiculous. Why is going with your heart considered "the wrong way"?
There is nothing wrong with calling somebody first, there is nothing wrong with approaching somebody first-nothing. It just shows that you are interested and in some cases-have more guts than the other party.



All right Depressed here is my rational on why I won't call her... yet. Or at least in regards to taking her out. First she moved out of my house. She told me we could try and date but she wasn't sure if I could handle it. That to me means she expects me to go chasing after her. She has a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and the guy still drives her around and hangs out, almost a year later. Even though she is a 'lesbian' now. First off, watching him is very sad to me and I WILL NOT be that guy. He empowers her every time he is nice after she disrespected him. They both know he would always be with her and that is what my girl thought, I assume because of her friends experience.

Now you said nice guys with broken hearts... If you read my other posts you would know I am a nice guy. And this girl broke my heart into a thousand pieces. When she told me she wanted to move out I went completely numb, couldn't even move. We were together for over a month after she said it the first time so I did get a lot of info from her. She expects us to at least talk and blah blah blah. But mainly she mentioned she wanted to see if she missed me. So that is what she gets. None of me, its been harder than quitting cig's to not call her. So to say I am playing with her is a stretch.

Also to say we are both waiting for the other is very true. I know she doesn't know what I am thinking, or doing. But I will surprise her in a couple weeks, once I am down to fight weight (JK). I'm down to just above 190 from 205, so she WILL be surprised. LOL, good times. And oh Wildcat, after 4 years of being with her, there is no question of whether this is love.

Alright Depressed here is my rational on why I won't call her...yet. Or atleast in regards to taking her out. First she moved out of my house. She told me we could try and date but she wasn't sure if I could handle it. That to me means she expects me to go chasing after her. She has a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and the guy still drives her around and hangs out, almost a year later. Even though she is a 'lesbian' now. First off, watching him is very sad to me and I WILL NOT be that guy. He empowers her everytime he is nice after she disrespected him. They both know he would always be with her and that is what my girl thought, I assume because of her friends experience.

Now you said nice guys with broken hearts... If you read my other posts you would know I am a nice guy. And this girl broke my heart into a thousand pieces. When she told me she wanted to move out I went completely numb, couldn't even move. We were together for over a month after she said it the first time so I did get a lot of info from her. She expects us to atleast talk and blah blah blah. But mainly she mentioned she wanted to see if she missed me. So that is what she gets. None of me, its been harder than quitting cig's to not call her. So to say I am playing with her is a stretch.

Also to say we are both waiting for the other is very true. I know she doesn't know what I am thinking, or doing. But I will surprise her in a couple weeks, once I am down to fight weight (JK). I'm down to just above 190 from 205, so she WILL be surprised. LOL, good times. And oh Wildcat, after 4 years of being with her, there is no question of whether or not this is love.
Hey I'm not attacking you, and yes I've read your other posts. I completely understand what you are doing-just don't understand why you are doing it. She is playing games with you too. I just think the Ultimate game is to NOT play games back with them-that really drives them crazy. And I think that saves a lot of heart ache and time. Either you get back together with her or you don't. But all the games that are played in between will be thrown up in both yours and her faces and it will be really hard to trust each other moving forward...

DON'T BE that guy!!

That which is chased runs!!

Cat, I assume that's for MO. But MO it isn't for the worst. She wanted space and I have tried to contact her (early on). She didn't go out of her way to find me either. I do believe I shouldn't grovel after her, especially now that time has past. I will talk to her in length about the time apart, but eventually. If she really wants me she'll be around. You can't forget I am giving her what she wanted.

Yeah, called her. She is already seeing someone else and slept with him. Everyone was right from the beginning. F**** this chick.

Life sucks.

[quote=kp2171]my experience is move on. It's a waste of time to pine for what isn't any more.

Wasting time in a relationship that didn't work isn't worth beating yourself up about. Wasting time over a relationship that is likely over, now that is stupid.

I can say that cause I've done it myself.

How many people that break up w a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend are seeing that person again in 10 years? Few. How many people that get divorced marry the same person again. Few. It happens. Not often.

Something wasn't right. Sucks. Oops. Whatever. Pick yourself up and start again. There's a few billion other people out there. Chances are a few of them are better choices, eh?[/quote don't waste time or any more thought on her,simple:cool: :)

That's a nice thought, but she was my best friend before she was my girlfriend. I plan on retaining that relationship at the very least. Accepting she is with someone else and all that isn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I still hate it. I just wish I would've talked to her right after she left with the same confidence I have now. I know it wouldn't have been possible, but maybe she would've hesitated, who knows. She is coming over tonight to hang out so we will see how she feels.

As a note though, I would take being her friend over never talking to her. She has been there for me when no one else was and that is why I can't ignore her even though I would like too.

Yeah, called her. She is already seeing someone else and slept with him. Everyone was right from the beginning. F**** this chick.

Life sucks.
Oh sweetie. It is hard and there is nothing really anyone can say to make you feel better inside (you know, that sick feeling in your gut)-Just stay sober and keep yourself busy.
When me and my guy broke up, I stayed drunk for about 10 months. Now that we've been back together, I would like the opportunity to still stay drunk... but can't happen. Only **** happens babe. But you will be OK no matter what.

Acceptance, letting go and moving on with your life. You cannot go back only forwards and eventually the one true love you thought you would never find walks into your life!

You have to be content with yourself and your life, function as a whole person, not just half of one.

You should have shut all contact. When you cantact someone after THEY HAVE broken with you come across as needs, insecure, desperate - VERY UNATTRACTIVE, NON-MANLY, WUSS comunications. Rightly or wrongly. This how women perceive that.

In MOST cases with women - 'Space' = break. No question.

Learn from this.

I met and dated my husband when I was 15 and he was 17 we fell in "love" hard but he broke it off with no real reason after a few months. Over the next few years of high school we talked about getting together a few times but nothing really happened. Then after high school I didn't see him for 2 years. As soon as life and I little push from me, brought us to each other we knew what we had to do and got married a few months later. For us it took 6 years and about 4 tries to be "ready" for each other, but worth it. I'd say yea let them go and if the love is there they will come back... but, every once in a while give it a little push.

No don't push a little. Like WildCat said if you chase they run (or something like that)-It is soooooooooo true.

You know a lot of people are going to tell you what you "should" do-even though some of them may never have been in your situation, or aren't in a situation like yours currently.

Go with your heart. You don't have to stop loving someone because they don't love you (you know what I mean). Just don't make it to where they are the only person you will ever love.

Please don't turn into a jerk because of this situation. Yes, girls are attracted to jerks, and yes they even stay with the jerks for a long time, maybe even forever, but it is never a happy relationship and who wants to live like that?
If you want to be happy-be nice. And respectful. I see that you are getting a lot of "advice" to hide your feelings, and act like you don't care because you might come off as weak or whatever, but no matter what, those feelings aren't going to go away by ignoring them...

Women like jerks a lot better than nice guys because they don't worry about sparing jerks feelings. Be a good guy and things won't matter.

The thing that is mostly wrong with the world today is that there are too many men out there who think they understand women, and too many women who think they understand men;hence, in the end, we are all back to square one.

I disagree, I don't like jerks! It is true that being a nice guy, sometimes you get walked all over, you just have to be a SMART nice guy. JC105, please don't change who you are just because this girl couldn't see it. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I do agree that a "break" usually does mean the "end", however, because I too have said this to an ex and meant forerver. It is just a nice way of saying it.
I don't think though that the saying that "nice guys finish last" is true, it may seem like that is true sometimes, but really, if you stay true to yourself, and who YOU are, in the end, you will finish first. It is when we loose ourselves and start trying to be what everyone else wants us to be, when we truly finish last. Who wants to be like everyone else? NOT ME!
JC105, I can tell that you seem to be a good guy and a caring person, and I know she screwed you, but there is someone out there, you just have to live your life and move on. I know it's hard, believe me, but it is true that Indepence is sexy to a woman, and if you live and breath independence, you will attract the right kind of woman! :)
Here's to the good guys!! :) :)

Yeah I talked to her last night for a few hours. Wildcat though she is with the guy she has known for a couple years so I can't resent that. But the conclusion that I have come to is that she isn't the same person. Not the person I was in love with, not the person I remember. She didn't even look that good, not that I ever really cared, but it would've been harder if she was looking better.

I wasn't needy with her that isn't how our relationship was. She knows why I needed to speak with her, we both needed a little more closure in the relationship. I have no misconceptions in that we will be getting back together anytime soon. She may love her new life and marry the man she is with now, maybe not. But she isn't the girl I loved, she is a woman I know. It hurts to say because now the hope I had of getting back my girl is gone. That girl no longer exists. The thing that kills is that she resents me for not being what she needed. She wanted to be put on a pedestal, and left to her freedom. I didn't put her on a pedestal because that isn't what she wanted when we met, and she couldn't be free while she lived in the same house as me. Not because I didn't let her but because she didn't feel comfortable in the situation.

I did not give off a needy persona to her. She knows how I feel about her and I told her she wasn't the same person I loved.

Life is sad, because the person I loved changed into someone else. Even worse I did the same to her...

Oh CGirl, She didn't screw me. I was wrong for keeping her around and not appreciating her. I only resent myself. Also I have no urge to speak to her now so I am glad I talked to her, now just the dull pain remains.

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :)

That is what one of my exs keeps doing. Sending me messages saying "I still love you"

"I remember the first time we met"

"We used to have good times"

I have not replied to any of them and finally got a message last night saying

"How did I know you were not going to answer" - Think he finally getting the hint ;)

Jc105, hang in there though, I know what you mean about having to have closure. That is important, and that is something I never had in the last long term relationship I had before my husband, and I think that is why it took me so long to get over him, even though I was actually the one that ended things, I just kept thinking to myself, what if I made this huge mistake. It took a long time to see that actually I didn't and it was a good decision in the long run. You will be OK, and so will she, and life will go on and there IS someone out there for you, as there is for everyone.

Yeah I am pretty confident in that. Knowing that she went straight to another guy makes me see her as way less independent then I thought she was. I really don't think I love or like her anymore. I just wasn't talking to the girl I fell in love with.

Still sad though when I think about when we were younger and how much fun we had. Lifes a trip.

Oh and to answer my own question...

'Will they come back... '

NO! - Assume not and move on. No purpose in even speaking with them. If they feel that badly about you, then accept that its over a leave them alone. You will both be happier if it is not dragged out.

The problem with getting back together with someone that hurt you is TRUST. Relationships are built on trust, and when someone truly hurts you it can be hard to move past that. I think a lot of getting back together has to do with the break up itself. If things end nasty, I wouldn't say there is a good chance of you working things out.

You can get them back... but there still has to some trust and respect, no cheating (I have a feeling she was cheating on you in the end - sorry for that - you need to see the truth in her - THEY WILL NEVER TELL YOU THEY CHEATED), NO ABUSE, no pedestal worshiping.

Genrally though, there is some form of the above happening.

Cgirl, you're pretty darn smart.

"It is when we loose ourselves and start trying to be what everyone else wants us to be, when we truely finish last." Awesome - that happens SOOOOOOOOOOOO much.

No, I NEVER advocate being a jerk. It's a waste of time being a jerk - WHY would anyonetry to be this?

She may have, couldn't care. I prefer to remember the girl I met. I won't hate her, she's just gone.

The problem with getting abck together with someone that hurt you is TRUST. relationships are built on trust, and when someone truely hurts you it can be hard to move past that. I think alot of getting back together has to do with the break up itself. If things end nasty, I wouldnt say there is a good chance of you working things out.
That is so true. It's easy to get "back together" with someone-but without the trust, as WildCat says-there is nothing really there.

I'm not sure if I trust her or not. She should definitely trust me, but it doesn't matter, the girl is dead to me now.

We had a great thing at one time, but life has happened and its over. Like I said before the girl I met a couple days ago isn't the girl I loved. She isn't coming back.

I'm not sure if I trust her or not. She should definitely trust me, but it doesn't matter, the girl is dead to me now.

We had a great thing at one time, but life has happened and its over. Like I said before the girl I met a couple days ago isn't the girl I loved. She isn't coming back.

I understand what you are saying. Things are different for everybody, and it is hard to take advice from people who are not going through what you are going through. There is no easy way. Just time itself is all you have to get through this and you will.
I send you lots of hugs...

You need trust and respect... without these you have nothing.