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WARNING: This post discusses the hot topic of abortion. If you feel strongly against abortion then I respectfully request that you decline reading and commenting on this post. Both participants discussed in this post have what some people would consider liberal views on abortion (though we take it very seriously) and live in an area where it is completely legal.

Hi,
Recently I have broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months and I am still very confused as how it all went down. We first met when my ex approached me and we hit it off right away. We were serious after a month and everything was near perfect. She kept saying how happy she was in the relationship and how happy I make her throughout the entire relationship. I did my best for her, supporting in any way I could. She moved ahead quickly and in fact the only issues that arose between us was when she perceived that I didn't take the relationship as seriously as she did. It got to the point where we were discussing marriage, our thoughts on kids, meeting each other's parents, and even house shopping together. Even I was amazed at the pace but I also started to believe this was "the one", never was I more comfortable with someone. And she kept saying how happy she was and how well I treated her and that she loved me... even on the last day I saw her. But there was a trigger that caused everything to tumble down. We had a "scare"... her period was late. She thought she was pregnant and we were both scared, but we were determined to stick together. Next she called and we talked about what to do and she said that she wanted to get an abortion (please I know this issue is a sensitive topic to many so if you have strong political issues against, please I'd like to not get in such a debate). I said I would support her decision on anything she wanted to do. She also told me that she needed time to reflect on things and needed to keep her distance from me for awhile... and that she also could not image being intimate with me for awhile because of this. I told her to take all the time she needs (though I was devastated). She was all scheduled for the procedure when she got her period and it turned out to be false alarm. We were releaved but she still said she wanted time alone to still reflect on her life. I said "sure". But I realized that included in the "time alone" request was to not consider us in a relationship. I got distraught and after a few days I confronted her via phone what is going on. She said needs more time and figure out what her heart is telling her. I told her that this state of limbo waiting to see if she gets back to me or not is torture and I told her to follow her heart and she said her heart is telling her that she should breakup with me and be single and move on. I asked why and her main response was that she thought she was in love with me because I treated her so nice but when she made the decision to not have the baby (even though it was a false alarm), it told her that she didn't love me otherwise she would have wanted to keep it. I told her that some couples make such hard choices even though they are in love for a variety of reasons. But I didn't get a response on that one. She says she is being as honest as she can be when she tells me that I did absolutely nothing wrong and I was so good to her. But now she is telling me that she is following her heart and moving on without me. She is starting a new career soon (just finishing up school) and wants to focus on that and not get wrapped up in other things (like a relationship). We are not young, we are in our 30's, I am very stable with a good job. She commented that she felt the relationship was unbalanced a bit as I supported her a bit (financially... but not too much as she was bothered by not being more self-reliant) while she was going through school but why is it an issue now when she is finishing school and starting her career? Anyway all I know is that things were rolling along perfect, just perfect, and now everything is completely derailed after a few days. I am crushed. We keep marginal contact via e-mails (she says she still loves me (just not in "that" way anymore) and probably wants to check up on me) but I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'd like to move on 'cause it sounds like she wants to, but I feel like this relationship was ended over reasons I can't full comprehend and I am thinking about fighting for it and saving this relationship if possible. Like I said I am not young and been through my share of relationships. In every one I could see where things were "wrong" even though I was hurt. In this one it was so smooth... so nice... I just don't fully understand it.

Any insight is greatly appreciated...

I would just say move on right now, and do what's best for you. It seems like she is going to be focusing now on her career, and she doesn't want a serious relationship. End it nicely, you never know what happens someday. Good luck.

But I realized that included in the "time alone" request was to not consider us
in a relationship. I got distraught and after a few days I confronted her via phone what is going on. She said needs more time and figure out what her heart is telling her. I told her that this state of limbo waiting to see if she gets back to me or not is torture and I told her to follow her heart and she said her heart is telling her that she should breakup with me and be single and move on.

Life has a way of getting our attention, and this whirlwind ride the two of you were on has been derailed by a good dose of reality, and she was sufficiently scared to change the course her life was going, and re evaluate where she is going. Back off, and focus on you, and leave her alone to think for herself without pressure from you. Not easy, I already know. Its so necessary, for you both.

I agree with the two above - you need to move on and see what happens. You can't spend your time pining for her to come back to you, watching the phone or the email inbox waiting for a message. Get happy by yourself and focus on you...

And about the "fighting for the relationship" point you made -- keep in mind that you can fight all you want, but it takes two people to have (and save) a relationship. You'd be doomed from the start.

She says she is being as honest as she can be when she tells me that I did absolutely nothing wrong and I was so good to her. But now she is telling me that she is following her heart and moving on without me.
Facing the reality of a lifelong connection to someone can clarify your feelings for them like a flash of lightning. I know it hurts to be told that it wasn't anything you did wrong, and there's nothing you can do to make it right. The hard truth is that it's who you ARE, not what you did or didn't do. I've been on her side of such a dilemma, and I guarantee you that it's no more fun for her than it is for you.

Be thankful that she's being honest with you, and move on with your life. I truly feel for you, but it's not happening. The sooner you get started on the hard work of accepting that, the better for all concerned.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied! It really really helps. I have been clinging on to some hope that she may come back to me but I really think what everyone here is saying is makes a ton of sense. It was just so disappointing thinking you've found the "one" and so shocking since it was her who kept pushing the pace and saying I was the "one" first. I was having a hard time letting go. But your insights are helping a lot.

She still contacts me via e-mail... very light stuff like "how was your day?" and I've been keeping my response light also with no reference at all to our past relationship. Is this recommended or should I really cut off all contact? Also the last time I saw her was when things were fine (she asked for time apart from calling from her friends place). I have been told from some friends that I should see her physically one more time for closure. Is this a bad idea? She brought up getting together just to check up on each other in a bit.

You don't mention how old you are, but I feel that many times when people are in their first "real" relationship, they grab on to words like "I want to be with you forever", "You are the one", etc, and they never let go. The problem with this is that its likely neither person knows enough to make these statements.

As far as the contact goes, technically its up to you, its your life right? I can tell you that I tried to keep light contact once, and I could not do it. Each conversation, no matter what it was about, got me thinking, analyzing and searching for any sign of anything at all - VERY UNHEALTHY. Doing something and saying that your doing are two different things, and you might simply not be able to keep contact without holding onto hope. My advice - don't, but its up to you.

Hi bigbird, I think I mentioned in my original post that we are both in our 30s. We have both been through our fair share of relationships. We both had mostly negative experiences so this is most likely contributing to our quickly thinking we are "the one" for each other. We are also near that age where we both were thinking that we are at the age where we need to "settle down" and that we are running out of "chances". So it wasn't a matter of us being young lovers experiencing our first love but maybe age and past experiences made us "want" it to work?

By the way - I am agreeing that it is tough to be "just friends" and not getting too emotionally wrapped up in it. Sad but definitely true

Oops sorry, I skimmed quick before I wrote that post and didn't see it. Hope I didn't offend you.

Oops sorry, I skimmed quick before I wrote that post and didn't see it. Hope I didn't offend you.

No problem! I wrote a lot so it was a lot of info to digest! I greatly appreciate your advice. Thanks!

I have been told from some friends that I should see her physically one more time for closure. Is this a bad idea? She brought up getting together just to check up on each other in a bit.
I think it is a bad idea. My guess is that she feels guilty for doing a complete 180 reversal on you and wants to reassure herself that you're going to be able to accept it without hating her. But you don't owe her anything except maybe to tell her "Don't think twice, it's alright". The less contact you have with her, the sooner you can begin to heal and move on.

I agree that contact is not good and I will try and heed your advice, as hard as it is... thanks!

Im wishing you the best bigdee!! Stay strong and be the man out there!

Im wishing you the best bigdee!!! Stay strong and be the man out there!

Thanks! I'm hanging in there the best I can

Keep going bud, it gets better trust me!

I'm glad you're still doing good!!

Hello folks,
Thought I'd give an update to what's been going on in my life. I can't believe it has only been a month since I first posted my question here... it felt like so long ago...

In any case I'm doing OK... I actually did meet with my ex once since then. We had some logistics to take care of (return personal items we had of each other, return keys, etc) and we then sat down for a coffee talked a bit. It was OK, she explained herself a bit (of which her explanation I still didn't fully agree with), I kindly put my 2 cents in and then I wished her luck and we had a pretty amicable farewell. Since then we had some intermittent exchanges of e-mails that became less frequent. The NC time had reached a bit over 2 weeks when she sent a short SMS of nothing just a few days ago.

Looks like we are both moving on. I've gotten on with my life and am enjoying it the best I can. Overall I feel pretty good, I have a bit of bitterness about the relationship but otherwise I'm fine. I admit I think about her everyday but as time moves on, thinking about her doesn't get me down as it used to. Occasionally I regress into bouts of sadness/anger, usually over something stupid (like just recently when I noticed she is slowly removing all traces of me by removing all photos or messages of me from her personal webspace on a social networking site - I know I shouldn't get upset at her for that but I can't help it, seems like even though she says she will always love me for how I helped her with everything, she wants to pretend like I was never there? - sorry, got off track there :-P). LOL - As I said, usually over something stupid. I guess she's moving on a lot faster than I but I guess that is always the case with the dumper vs the dumpee..

Anyway being in past relationships, I know time heals all and it's working. It's tough but I know I'll be good in awhile.

Just want to thank the folks here who have given advice and words of encouragement! It was and still is greatly appreciated!

And finally... one more piece of advise is needed... as I have mentioned, my ex is starting a new career. She is finishing the program that she needed to get her new career in a few weeks. I am thinking about sending a quick text/e-mail to congratulate her. I know that is breaking NC but it seems like both she and I invested so much in this program (a lot of the time we spent together was helping her with her course work) and I know how much it means for her (especially since one of the reasons she gave for breaking up is to focus on the new career) and considering how much focus I gave it myself when we were dating, I don't know... I feel it is worth a mention...

She's not on another planet and knows that you helped her - she even thanked you for it. So, if it won't hurt too much or cause a 'relapse', just send her a short 'congrats' message.

Another step to healing is having no regrets later to ponder about, so if you feel the need to congratulate her, do so.

Keep up the good work.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

The whole idea of healing is being able to be healthy enough to make decisions based on fact, and not just emotions. You've accepted this very well, and as long as your past resentments and anger, and have no false hope, go for it.

Honsetly, from what I read I would love to see the story end where she came around and you wound up together. It sounds like a very good relationship. As far as you fighting to keep it, you can fight all you want but in the end its her decision too. I suppose I agree that you should move on, but I would advise you to make your mind up right now on if she came back later if you would take her back. Since you are around the settling down age, she might focus on her career for a little while and then come back to you when she gets lonely. Best of luck and I hope everything works out.

Chery, Tal - thanks again for the insight. I think I will send that short "Congrats" message.

smokedetector - When we first broke up, I always had some hope that after she had a bit of time to think it over, she'd want to come back to the relationship. But as time moves on, more and more I get the sense that it is truly over. When her career gets settled (i.e. routine), I'm sure she'll want to start looking for someone again but I have a feeling that when that time comes, it won't be with me. She's a pretty girl and I'm sure she'll have someone else to catch her interest. As for would I take her back if that opportunity ever presented itself? I don't know. I'm a little bitter right now so hard to say. But I think I have an issue with trust now. All the stuff she said about our relationship turned out to be untrue. I know she wasn't lying or anything but for someone to say what she did about the relationship, saying how committed she is and asking for the same level of commitment from me, convincing me to make some long term financial decisions which I am locked into based on her and my needs... and then in 2 days decide to throw the relationship away... I don't know.

Hello folks,
I've broken up with my girlfriend about 2 months ago. Background here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-ends-relationship-but-reason-strange-me-214728.html

In any case we've been moving on with our lives. It's hard of course but I think I'm doing rather well. However I am irked by one thing. When dumping me, she has told me that she "loves me" and will "always love me and appreciate what I've done for her" and thinks I was "amazing to her". OK, that's good. However what irks me is that she seems to be removing all (public) remembrance of me. Basically removing any pictures she has posted of me. Removing any comments by me or about me on her social networking site. Pretty much anything related to me publicly anywhere. She has slowly done this over the 2 months. She first removed the photos/comments which explicitly look like where we are a couple (us hugging, etc) which I totally understand. But recently, she has removed more benign photos of me (me just standing there or me hanging out with her friends). Even comments like "hey, what's up" have been removed. It appears she wants to remove all traces of me. It bugs me because I look back on the relationship and look positively on it and still look somewhat positively at her and hope for the best for her. I even still help her out a bit here and there (I don't need to contact her to do this and she knows I do this and says she appreciates it so much and will try to repay me someday). Now for someone who says she still loves me (as a friend), thinks I'm great, etc... it seems weird that she seems to not want to have anything to do with me. Maybe what she told me is a bunch of BS? Which is making me think that I am being stupid for still thinking positively about her and still helping her out and wishing the best for her. We keep minimal contact (mostly she has sent the occasional short text or e-mail to see how I'm doing and I will respond) so it's not like I pester her. I'm actively looking to move on (date others, etc). It's just that if she truly wanted to be friends like she was looking for in the beginning, it seems strange to not want to do anything with me. Am I looking too positively on her and all that "I will always love you" comments was just her trying to let me down nicely? Am I being a sucker helping out someone who doesn't even consider me a friend anymore?

I could be blamed for firing the first salvo so to speak when I first removed her from my "friends" group initially since I was upset. So maybe I'm just being hypocritical? May have done that but I still have memories and photos on my site because I still look back positively... anyway I don't know...

Any insight is appreciated. Thanks

It sounds like she is moving on - and the way she is doing this is removing your photos. Also sounds like the whole abortion crisis was a very rough time for her and maybe she can't separate the good in your relationship from that painful time. Maybe it's her way of letting you know it's really over. Why are you checking out her website or profile or wherever she is posting? I would think that would be incredibly painful for you, sort of like driving past her house to see who's there.

Breaking up is a grieving process and people handle it in different ways - live with the photos, remove the photos.

There have been people in my life I will always care for, perhaps even also love but that I am no longer IN LOVE with. I think the staying in touch thing - phone calls, e-mails to say "how are you doing" - is terribly painful and counterproductive. Sometimes it's almost better if you don't speak after a break up.

I think she's moving on - and I think if this bothers/upset you you may not be moving on and this is a sign that you have to.

Hello BD, First of all, I believe she was sincere when she said she loved you and will always love you. It's almost like saying I will always hold a special place for you in my heart. As I type, I can think of one guy that I still love and will always love; even after other relationships and two marriages. I will always love him, no matter what because he is special to me and no one will EVER be able to take his place even though I broke his heart when I ended our relationship and this was at least 25 years ago. I make contact with him every so often and somehow or the other, the conversation always come up about how I broke his heart. He knows that I still love him and I know he still loves me, but we have both moved on with our lives. In the past 25 years, we've contemplated several times about rekindling those flames, but I ALWAYS put a quick halt to it. Why? Because I love him too much to hurt him again and I will always love him no matter.

Oh, her removing your pictures, messages and what have you, to me is an indication that she's moving on and getting closure. I don't think it has anything to do with her not considering you a friend or anything. The thing about it is, if she left your pictures up and referred to you as her friend and you being like a brother to her, how would you feel?

It sounds like she is moving on - and the way she is doing this is removing your photos. Also sounds like the whole abortion crisis was a very rough time for her and maybe she can't separate the good in your relationship from that painful time. Maybe it's her way of letting you know it's really over. Why are you checking out her website or profile or wherever she is posting? I would think that would be incredibly painful for you, sort of like driving past her house to see who's there.

Breaking up is a grieving process and people handle it in different ways - live with the photos, remove the photos.

There have been people in my life I will always care for, perhaps even also love but that I am no longer IN LOVE with. I think the staying in touch thing - phone calls, e-mails to say "how are you doing" - is terribly painful and counterproductive. Sometimes it's almost better if you don't speak after a break up.

I think she's moving on - and I think if this bothers/upset you you may not be moving on and this is a sign that you have to.

Hi Judy,
You are definitely correct that the abortion crisis really was rough on her. She even told me that if it turned out to be true, she would have resented me for the rest of her life. Not a good sign I guess. I asked if she still resented me now that it turned out to be a false alarm and she said she didn't but the fact that she almost did is telling. I feel so sad over this... that everything could have been perfect for us if this scare not happen... if she didn't panic over 1 day late... ah well...

As for why am I checking her website/profile? Well because I was listed in some photos, I get notified when I've been removed. So when I find out I've been de-listed, I get curious and can't help myself but check which ones got delisted. So inevitably I end up on her profile... I know I shouldn't care. I guess you are right, I am not properly moving on.

As for continuing to help her out, should I just stop this also? Does it make sense to continue to help someone who wants to leave me in the past?

Hi Michelle,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I was very moved by it. I think it is quite special that you two could remain close in each other hearts for that long and still have moved on with your lives.



Oh, her removing your pictures, messages and what have you, to me is an indication that she's moving on and getting closure. I don't think it has anything to do with her not considering you a friend or anything. The thing about it is, if she left your pictures up and referred to you as her friend and you being like a brother to her, how would you feel?

I'm not sure how I'd feel. When she first removed that photos of us together, I completely understood. No issues there. But I was pleased that she left the more benign photos of me since at least she didn't want to completely eradicate my existence from her life. While she didn't explicitly refer to me as a friend, it was implied in the photo that I was someone she was friendly with. And I was fine with it. I was glad she still wanted something to do with me at least. Now apparently those images bother her too. For someone who really gave all for this person to help her though a trying time, it's hard.

It's hard, but everything she's doing is reasonable. She has to comfortably live her life, and that may mean you don't get to stay on her networking sites in any way. It's her choice.

And her making that choice doesn't make her feelings for you (past or present) a lie either. They were fine, and now they are irrelevant. Just like your lingering feelings for her are ultimately irrelevant now in the future, as well.

Moving on means doing what you have to. She appears to need less remnants from your time together than you do. There's no harm in that.

It's hard. But it's normal.

Hi Judy,
You are definitely correct that the abortion crisis really was rough on her. She even told me that if it turned out to be true, she would have resented me for the rest of her life. Not a good sign I guess. I asked if she still resented me now that it turned out to be a false alarm and she said she didn't but the fact that she almost did is telling. I feel so sad over this... that everything could have been perfect for us if this scare not happen... if she didn't panic over 1 day late.... ah well...

As for why am I checking her website/profile? Well because I was listed in some photos, I get notified when I've been removed. So when I find out I've been de-listed, I get curious and can't help myself but check which ones got delisted. So inevitably I end up on her profile... I know I shouldn't care. I guess you are right, I am not properly moving on.

As for continuing to help her out, should I just stop this also? Does it make sense to continue to help someone who wants to leave me in the past?


Who knows what the time frame for properly moving on is? I don't think there are rules - as I said, it's a grieving process and everyone has to move through it at their own pace. Should you care how she is? Sure. You loved/love her. Should you avoid her profile - if it hurts? Absolutely.

I can only address my own experience but if she was important in your life and more importantly, if you can have contact without ripping out your own heart, knowing 100% that it is over, that she is not coming back, that you are not going back, then, sure, have contact. But if it hurts, if it gets your hopes up - well, then I'd say it's a bad idea.

I lived in Baltimore, had a difficult break up, actually moved back "home" to NYS just to get away from the memories. As long as we had any contact, any time, any place, it wasn't going to be over and it needed to be over - half the time he was checking to see if I was OK, half the time I was checking to see if he was OK - most of the time one or the other of us thought, "If only -" It was not working.

I feel for you, I really do - it's rough. I would also focus less on the "wanting" to leave you and more on the "needing" to leave you. Sometimes for whatever reason this time, this place, something is not right and you just have to go even if both of you get hurt.

Life is full of what if's. Don't torture yourself.

JB, Judy,
Thanks for your insights. I am having a hard time fully letting go. I had invested a lot in the relationship and in her and I am having a hard time accepting that I will have nothing to show for it. Obviously this is par for the course for most breakups but still doesn't make it any easier. I have decided to continue to help her out as I've always done (I'm kind of locked into it for a year+ to make a long story short) but otherwise expect no contact (or payback) from her.

JB, Judy,
Thanks for your insights. I am having a hard time fully letting go. I had invested a lot in the relationship and in her and I am having a hard time accepting that I will have nothing to show for it. Obviously this is par for the course for most breakups but still doesn't make it any easier. I have decided to continue to help her out as I've always done (I'm kinda locked into it for a year+ to make a long story short) but otherwise expect no contact (or payback) from her.


And as long as you look at it that way, you'll be fine. And I wouldn't get my hopes up - but you just never know, another time, another place.

I lived in Baltimore, had a difficult break up, actually moved back "home" to NYS just to get away from the memories. As long as we had any contact, any time, any place, it wasn't going to be over and it needed to be over - half the time he was checking to see if I was OK, half the time I was checking to see if he was OK - most of the time one or the other of us thought, "If only -" It was not working.

I've been considering for some time what you had to go through... move away. I travel quite a bit for business and when I am away, my thoughts of my ex are minimal. When I come back... it is rough because I am reminded of her all the time. I may, at the very least, have to move to a new apartment since my current apartment is the worst since that is where we spent a lot of time together... *sigh*

I've been considering for some time what you had to go through... move away. I travel quite a bit for business and when I am away, my thoughts of my ex are minimal. When i come back... it is rough because I am reminded of her all the time. I may, at the very least, have to move to a new apartment since my current apartment is the worst since that is where we spent a lot of time together... *sigh*


Trust me, it gets better. It doesn't seem that it will, but it does. And, yes, a change of scenery might be a very good thing. So do it - take charge, change your life.

Hi Judy,
You are definitely correct that the abortion crisis really was rough on her. She even told me that if it turned out to be true, she would have resented me for the rest of her life. Not a good sign I guess. I asked if she still resented me now that it turned out to be a false alarm and she said she didn't but the fact that she almost did is telling. I feel so sad over this... that everything could have been perfect for us if this scare not happen... if she didn't panic over 1 day late.... ah well...

As for why am I checking her website/profile? Well because I was listed in some photos, I get notified when I've been removed. So when I find out I've been de-listed, I get curious and can't help myself but check which ones got delisted. So inevitably I end up on her profile... I know I shouldn't care. I guess you are right, I am not properly moving on.

As for continuing to help her out, should I just stop this also? Does it make sense to continue to help someone who wants to leave me in the past?

You know, I'm a very very emotional person, when I break up and I'm in love, I HAVE TO remove everything from that person, to be able to move on! Otherwise Id be in pain for ever. So it means for me that I love him sooo much. I even deleted my ex. Profile and also from my friends list, because I couldn't stand to see his picture again... I would remind me of not having him anymore...

"I will always love you" is said when the breakup is still fresh. The person still has strong feelings for you. However, they may or may not last. And certainly, they were not enough to keep the person from leaving you.

Don't dwell or overanalyze the meaning, just move on as best you can.

you know, im a very very emotional person, when i break up and im in love, I HAVE TO remove everything from that person, to be able to move on! otherwise Id be in pain for ever. so it means for me that I love him sooo much. I even deleted my ex. profile and also from my friends list, cus I couldnt stand to see his picture again ... I would remind me of not having him anymore ...

Hi Kitty,
In your case, who initiated the breakup? I would guess that the one who initiated the breakup would not have the need to remove all memories of the ex. Hence why I was expecting my ex not having issues having pictures of me lying around - especially if she wanted to remain friends...

Hi Kitty,
In your case, who initiated the breakup? I would guess that the one who initiated the breakup would not have the need to remove all memories of the ex. Hence why I was expecting my ex not having issues having pictures of me lying around - especially if she wanted to remain friends....


This is difficult for me - but here goes.

If you are suffering this much maybe your ex is the one you should be talking to. You only go around once and if it hurts this much, it's not over for you. So you ask her to sit down and talk to you and you lay it all out for her. She either says, "OK, let's try it again" or "It's over and that's final." No more questioning where you go from here.

And here's why I say that - gulp - my husband died last year. We were married 5 years and 13 days. I knew him 2 months and 10 days when we got married. Everyone thought we had lost all reason - and maybe we had.

All I know is all together he was my life for 5 years, 2 months and 23 days and I am so glad we didn't waste a single minute of our time together.

There are no guarantees in life and if you waste time - well, you're not going to get it back and I'd rather hear bad news straight in my face than wonder - what if?

So please think about it -

And no one should feel sorry for me, not at all. That's not why I'm saying this. If I had known on the day I met him that I would be alone in such a relatively short period - I'd do it all over again. No regrets and that's maybe how you should begin to process things.

Judy... wow, I am speechless... but I am happy that you lived life to the fullest when you were together with him.

As for myself... well, a while back I did have a sit down of sorts with her after the breakup. We discussed some of what happened... I did put her on the spot a bit... she wanted time apart and I asked her to follow her instincts and feelings. She said her feelings told her she didn't want the relationship anymore. She said that she was traumatized by the whole scare and she just didn't want to deal with a relationship right now anymore so she can concentrate on her new career. I've more or less accepted this. Seems like everyone is telling me I need to leave her be so she can figure things out and move on. But I suppose deep down I secretly still have hope that when her life is more settled, we may renew things. But reading various threads in this forum this sounds like a fool's dream... I know I need to move on. I'm almost there... really. Just sometimes I get a little angry with everything because I helped her so much to get her going on her new career (it was my top priority for her) and now that she's starting it, she wants out of the relationship to concentrate on it. Once I get over this anger... I'll be fine...

Slowly but surely you will heal.

Hello,
I've broken up with my ex for over 2 months now. She basically wanted time apart to reflect and concentrate on her new career and we ended up deciding to end it as I could not sit around and wait and hope she decides to come back to me in who knows how long.

(full story here from an old thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-ends-relationship-but-reason-strange-me-214728.html)

I always held out (small) hope that there might be a chance we get back together when thing settle down in her life even though we are moving on from each other.

I have begun to get active in the dating scene again and now have a few opportunities. However I still felt that I had some special chemistry with my ex that I don't know if I can find with someone else. So I was entertaining the though of contacting her and just re-asking if she still is happy with ending the relationship... maybe hinting that this our last chance to try rekindle the flame so to speak, before I completely move on from her life and start trying some of these new dating opportunities.

Is this just stupid thinking? I think it probably is and I should just move on already...

Move in, my friend.

Grasp the new opportuntiy with an open mind and seek to have some fun and enjoyment.

Life is too short for waiting around for exes.

If you and the ex were ever going to get back then it may happen one day but don't hold out for it. Increase your options, and treat this new girl with a fresh plate and don't obsess over the ex.

Count your lucky stars that you ex is not pregnant and refusing to have you back at all.

You could be in a far worse position.

Go for the new girl. Go. Do it. You'll thank me one day.

Forget the past, and embrace the future, as an opportunity to be happy, and fulfilled.

Thanks guys... I know I need to move on. I'm almost there...

Forget the past, you need no more reminders, lay it to rest. The present is what you are in, is she there? Nope... Is this girl? Yea, follow the path as the journey in life is more exciting than the destination.

So it's been been about 2.5 months since I got dumped by my ex-GF. Was rough at first but these days I'm doing pretty well. After a few small text messages/e-mails to work through some logistics issues, we've said all is needed to be said and It's been 2 weeks of complete NC so far. I can't say I've totally moved on and while not a day goes where I think of her at least once, I don't really dwell on her all that much anymore and have just been living my life. I've been watching a lot of movies of various sorts and what has been a little hard/annoying is all these movies that deal with love/relationships in them! So many of them portray it as a rocky road where the couple splits up and then after attempted NC, The guy (most of the time it is the guy) gets his eureka moment and decides he cannot give up on that one special person that easy and decides he is going to fight for all he's worth to win her back despite her initial rebuffs. And of course in many of the cases his persistence is rewarded and she either "sees the light" or is overwhelmed with his refusal to give up (which to me looks a lot like stalking). I got to say watching these movies just makes it tough to keep NC and move on gracefully!!

Damn Hollywood (though it's not just Hollywood, they are all like that around the world!)

Lol I agree, my friend draggeeeedd me to go and see the sex and the city film, and I thought it would be full of cringey not funny female humour (sorry women but most of us are just NOT funny) I didn't go to sleep as I suspected and it hit me like a TRUCK, I cried afterwards and desired nothing but my ex to have a revelation and ring me etc etc *sigh*

Hi Boris,

Oh the same thing happened to me. I found myself getting teary/misty in the theatre watching SATC. I loved it though, I thought it was good (especially the Manolo's :-) ), but wow, it hit home.

It was an amazing film, very realistic--- but that's the problem, really hit home! X

Watch movies like Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2... Action movies will be your friend! Don't watch the love movies, of if anything watch "The Break Up"... That is a good movie

Rome - it's not like I'm going to love movies all the time... it seems like every movie of some sort deals with some relationship issues that of course gets resolved at the end. I watched Hellboy to the other night which I wouldn't call a love movie but guess what? Hellboy and Liz are having relationship issues in the movie which gets resolved at the end. Maybe not the best example but it's the last one I saw and it kind of hit home because of the other issues involved in their relationship... :-P

Dinosaurs eating people, no sex, romance, or even nudity!!

What about if a dinosaur is eating a naked person?

Don't you go to movies? The dinosaurs are always naked, not the people. Pay attention!!

Then shouldn't those movies be rated "R"! This darn Hollywood critics

So it's been been about 2.5 months since I got dumped by my ex-GF. Was rough at first but these days I'm doing pretty well. After a few small text messages/e-mails to work through some logistics issues, we've said all is needed to be said and It's been 2 weeks of complete NC so far. I can't say I've totally moved on and while not a day goes where I think of her at least once, I don't really dwell on her all that much anymore and have just been living my life. I've been watching a lot of movies of various sorts and what has been a little hard/annoying is all these movies that deal with love/relationships in them! So many of them portray it as a rocky road where the couple splits up and then after attempted NC, The guy (most of the time it is the guy) gets his eureka moment and decides he cannot give up on that one special person that easy and decides he is going to fight for all he's worth to win her back despite her initial rebuffs. And of course in many of the cases his persistence is rewarded and she either "sees the light" or is overwhelmed with his refusal to give up (which to me looks a lot like stalking). I gotta say watching these movies just makes it tough to keep NC and move on gracefully!!!

Damn Hollywood (though it's not just Hollywood, they are all like that around the world!)
Great observation! I saw on recently, Definitely, Maybe. The guy is shown the way to true love by his 8 year old daughter. The only two movies where the guy has a pair is Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind and the guy in Bridges in Madison County. I'm certain there are others.

I'm certain there are others.
Dracula never had a problem with the ladies! It was the jealous guys always doing him in!

Dracula never had a problem with the ladies! It was the jealous guys always doing him in!
I ain't talking about the pair in his mouth, you know.

Agreed! I cringe when it comes to today's romantic movies and the entirety of the "chick flick" genre. The idealization of love frankly pisses me off. All it does is help perpetuate (consciously or not) unrealistic expectations for those people trapped in relationships.

2 films about relationships and love that I did enjoy, however, were Closer and Annie Hall.:D

Never watch a romantic movie when you are going through a breakup! It makes you feel awful afterwards. Heck, even listening to love songs can tug at your heart string.

Just remember that these movies are "Fiction"

We live in "Non Fiction"

Just remember that these movies are "Fiction"

We live in "Non Fiction"

Very true.


"I said "If love has these conditions,
I don't understand those songs you love."
She said "This is not a love song
This isn't fantasyland."

-Rush (from the song Cold Fire)

I prefer adventure movies like National Treasures, LOL. I don't watch much romantic movies just simply not interested in!

I used to like scary movies too.

Dinosaurs are romantic! That's why they have to lay eggs!! That's all they do is eat people, run around naked, and have babies! What more could you ask for? Besides romance movies put me to sleep, and make me snore, that's not romantic at all!

It's been almost 3 months since getting dumped and 21 days of hard NC and overall doing OK, somewhat moved on with my life. However been feeling a bit down recently... I guess it is a combination of a few things. I actually went on a few dates... one I met randomly and one that was more of a setup between friends. It went OK... no real spark. I guess it got me missing my ex because we had such good chemistry together. There was a spark from the start. It got me a little depressed because I began to wonder if I could ever find someone that I have that kind of chemistry again. I am not that young (mid-30's) and I've been through my fir share of relationships and never had that chemistry with anyone before. Never even close. I realize that I have a bit of a quirky personality, a bit introverted, and it's hard for me to feel comfortable and that close to any particular person. I only experienced it once where it all clicked. And it's gone.

I guess that is more of a rant/ramble than a question but it helped to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening...

I hope that you will find som1 that is for you and better suits you- I know how you feel.. but try and rreplace your pain with every day.. and I'm always her to listan... OwO

It's been almost 3 months since getting dumped and 21 days of hard NC

So let's be realistic. It's been 21 days. The remaining 2 1/2 months were up in limbo. Saying it's been 3 months may be true, but it's not giving yourself the credit you have earned. You've gone 3 weeks after a breakup.


and overall doing ok, somewhat moved on with my life. However been feeling a bit down recently... I guess it is a combination of a few things. I actually went on a few dates... one I met randomly and one that was more of a setup between friends. It went ok... no real spark. I guess it got me missing my ex because we had such good chemistry together.

It got you missing your ex because there was no spark with the others, if there had been you might still be saying you had chemistry with your ex but it wouldn't be as pronounced.


There was a spark from the start. It got me a little depressed because I began to wonder if I could ever find someone that I have that kind of chemistry again.

There are 3 billion men on this planet. I'm going with yes. You just have to have some faith, and to be honest probably some recovery time.


I am not that young (mid-30's)

Uhhhh so am I and I consider myself young. It's all in your head and how you carry yourself. Furthermore in you 30's your smarter then you were in your 20's so you have that to your advantage. Putting a age on falling for someone only ensures you'll settle for the wrong person because you feel like you have to take who ever comes along.


and I've been through my fir share of relationships and never had that chemistry with anyone before. Never even close.

I felt that way after I was dumped my girlfriend of 3 years. Years later I would not say the same thing. My point is give yourself some time and I bet those ideas will pass. The guy was not perfect, and he obviously didn't appreciate what he had, which is good enough reason for you hold a strike against him.


I realize that I have a bit of a quirky personality, a bit introverted, and it's hard for me to feel comfortable and that close to any particular person.

Oh my God. Your different from the average bimbo... no guy would like someone different. Different is good, trust me as a guy I can tell you anything that women do different from the pack is something to cherish and not be beating yourself up over. I, along with 90% of the males on this planet would take quirky vs. boring and shy vs. loudmouth.


I only experienced it once where it all clicked. And it's gone.

I guess that is more of a rant/ramble than a question but it helped to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening...

It's good to rant, I'm all for it, but let's turn some of these non-powering beliefs around to your favor.

And maybe you shouldn't go on any dates right now. Dating will most likely remind you of what you had at this point. Plus, you won't find anyone you really like until you're done with the last relationship. I mean mentally.

Good luck! And don't worry about feeling crappy. Everyone has those crappy days.

--Cali

Hi there. I can empathize with you a lot. My boyfriend broke up with me about three months ago and we've been NC for two months. And at that point the only contact was for me to get my spare house keys back. I've been feeling in the dumps a lot lately too. I haven't gone on any dates yet. Not for lack of trying, just no one of interest has come up. I'm in the same situation as you in terms of the connection we had. Never have I ever had the kind of connection with others as I had with him. I've had my fair share of dating experience as well (I'm 28) and out of all the boyfriends/guys I've dated - he was by FAR the one I felt the most connected with. He actually contacted me last week to get together to "clear the air". I posted about this on here earlier in the week. I agreed to go to see what he has to say. We didn't have a nasty breakup, it was just very sad. Most of the breakup had to do with things I needed to deal with on a personal level. Which I have and learned a lot about myself in the past three months. I've made a lot of headway in my outlook on things and how I need/want to act in a relationship. I know he's not going into this meeting looking to get back together but I do want to let him know, somehow, that I've made efforts to improve my attitude and outlook on life. In a nutshell, I was selfish in our relationship, irrationally expected things from him, and was pessimistic about things in general. I'm just not sure how to convey that to him without it coming off like I'm trying to "convince him" to get back together. I would love to have him back in my life since I feel the downfall of our relationship was due mainly to my actions. In a way I'm thankful this happened because I did need something to push me to change.

Oh my God. Your different from the average bimbo...

Definitely... cause I'm a guy! I must write like a girl 'cause it's not the first time someone made that assumption LOL.

But thanks for the good advice.

That was a great response by Chuff, couldn't have said it better myself. You have to go from a mindset that there isn't anyone else out there for you to a mindset that you have an abundance of choice.

My apologies for screwing up your gender, but taking gender out of it, the advice is still applies. Your not old, your have much to offer, you need to give yourself some TRUE recovery time, and you she obviously doesn't know what she had, so she's not worth your time, energy, and love. YOU deserve someone that will appreciate what you offer, and if she can't then that is HER loss, not yours.

I too have a quirky personality (people think I'm on drugs when I haven't touched the stuff). People like others for their perfections but they love them for their flaws (and quirks). Hang in there! It may be a while but you'll find that click!

What people don't understand is that its about being confident in who you are and what you have to offer 100x more than having what other people want. Learn to be happy with yourself rather than changing yourself to make others happy. Post breakup, everything you do should be done with you in mind.

I only experienced it once where it all clicked. And it's gone.


Once you heal "old guy" you will be surprised pleasently, by all the options you have.

Even though I have been dumped by my ex-GF 2 months ago, I still help out my ex financially a bit. A little complex and I don't want to get into all the details but basically I have a joint account with her for some services of which I pay the bill. Since I signed a contract of sorts, I'm kind of stuck for the duration of it. I could have opted out early with a penalty but at the time I decided to leave it alone as I wanted things to be amicable, at the time she was going through a lot of stress which was (fairly or unfairly) caused by me (background: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-ends-relationship-but-reason-strange-me-214728.html), and genuinely wanted to help her out while she gets her feet wet with her new career. She's been going a bit crazy with the service and the bill has been quite high recently. She said that she will give me some money when she has a chance since she feels bad. Anyway I got to thinking... why am I doing this (paying her bills)? For whatever reason I was thinking of it tonight and I got angry! So am I doing this to help out someone I care about? I think the truth is that deep down I do not want to move on and have hope of getting back together even though I have told myself that I am moving on and looking to the future. Though I have been telling myself that I just want to genuinely help a friend out... a friend I barely talk to at all. A friend that sems to not want to have anything to do with me. A friend that I can't sleep right now because I am upset about... does this make any sense what I am doing?

I think the truth is that deep down I do not want to move on and have hope of getting back together even though I have told myself that I am moving on and looking to the future.

I think you've answered your own question my friend.

what I am doing?
I think your realizing the mistakes you made while under the influence of false hope.

Renegotiate, or keep your word, and learn a valuable lesson.

Never make a promise you don't intend to keep, whether under emotional duress or not.

I think your realizing the mistakes you made while under the influence of false hope.

Renegotiate, or keep your word, and learn a valuable lesson.

Never make a promise you don't intend to keep, whether under emotional duress or not.

Unfortunately for me (in this case) keeping my word has always been very important to me... even if doing so is detrimental to me. Some people think I am stupid but I've always been stubborn about keeping my word once I give it. I did break NC to tell her about the high expenses and if she could keep it under control and she said that she'd try. And I'll see if she actually comes up with any money to give me as she promised.

Well I decided that I need to end this joint account. Even though there will be a penalty, the cost of that will still be less than if I continue to pay her bills. Even worse is the emotional impact on me. She finally contacted me to discuss getting together so she can give me some money sometime. But when I followed up with her on when to meet, she said she is not sure, that this weekend she is busy and she is really stressed out. I said what about Friday and she said that she is often tired from work and doesn't have the energy to meet me but maybe she will think about it and if she feels like it she will let me know. Since it will take all of 15 minutes to meet up, chat a bit about the bills and to exchange money, I felt fairly insulted that she finds it too much of a hassle to meet up for 15 minutes (right around the corner from where she is) when I have been paying her part of the bills for the past few months. She means well and I know she is stressed out but obviously getting a hold of me to pay me back is very low on her priority and after all I have been doing for her, I feel it is wrong. I've decided to let her know that I am going to cancel the joint account and while I feel bad since she is still struggling to get her life going with her new career and such, I have to do this for me because of the angst it is causing me.

Yes I have learned my lesson. Tal - you are bang on... I made a mistake under the influence of false hope. I am really giving up that false hope by canceling this account...

Glad to hear you are letting go of the false hope... It can really be a killer, especially when it was used in a decision that haunts you now, months later...

I think your making the right decision, and she really doesn't have much to complain about as it sounds as though you have been more than fair thus far...

Can she transfer the funds into your account? that negates having to meet up with her.

Thanks bigbird. I still feel a little bad since I did promise her way back that I will help her out for awhile until she gets her feet wet but I thought she'd be a bit more aware of not abusing it and that she would be a bit more appreciative of what I am doing for her. I don't know if she is trying to be all non-chalant trying to play it cool or follow NC by avoiding me as much as she can but I just can't live like this, obsessing about it anymore. She may be a little upset but I have to focus on me.

This board has tons of great advice. Too bad it is so hard to follow when you don't keep control of your emotions. But I'm gettin' there...

Can she transfer the funds into your account?? , that negates having to meet up with her.
I suppose she could just mail me a check. But just having this joint account is a reminder of her and just getting the bill reminds me of her and causes grief. Recent events is proving to me that she really is moving on and I need to also and give up on false hope. And the biggest example of cutting loose that false hope is cutting her loose from my account.

I agree with you closing the account , I just meant for the money she owes you now.

I agree with you closing the account , i just meant for the money she owes you now.

I'm not even going to bother. I don't care anymore. I'll just chalk it up as expenses for lessons learned...

I'm not even going to bother. I don't care anymore. I'll just chalk it up as expenses for lessons learned....

LOL... good for you , I love your attitude :)

I think you came to your senses quite quickly my friend... we are proud you are a member here... (applauds).

Stringer

Thanks Stringer! Though I don't know if 3 months is coming to my senses quickly LOL! :)

I would definitely close the account, I agree with you 100%

But when I followed up with her on when to meet, she said she is not sure, that this weekend she is busy and she is really stressed out. I said what about Friday and she said that she is often tired from work and doesn't have the energy to meet me but maybe she will think about it and if she feels like it she will let me know.

Well she thought about it and decided she is too tired, stressed and feeling a little sick to meet me around the corner at a Starbucks from where she is living for 15 minutes. She says she needs to "relax" instead even though I told her I need to work something out with our account ASAP. Nice. I wanted to explain politely that I need to cancel the account for my own good and that I sympathize with her stress and that I feel bad that this is a bad time to do this to her. Well I guess I will just have to leave a message and tell her I am canceling it ASAP and too bad. I can't believe I spent so much money and effort to help her out for this long and I can't even get 15 minutes. I am furious!

I agree you need to close the account. She is taking advantage of the situation. She agreed to meet you and give you some of the money but she can't be there for you and keep her word. She is taking advantage of you and she should pay every penny that she went over what you had agreed to... and then some!
Tell her that since she can't be bothered meeting with you and giving you what she owes you you can no longer be responsible for her bill and you are having your name taken off the acct and the bill closed out. Make sure you get your name off the joint acct before she finds more ways to ruin your credit.

N0help4u - I know I will sound horribly naïve when I say this but I am almost positive that she isn't intentionally taking advantage of me. She really is an emotional and sensitive person and lets stress and feeling a little sick really wipe her out. Also she isn't the type to ever intentionally take advantage of someone and I am near certain she really does intend to pay me back at least some money. That's why I am still a little sad to cut her off but I am really sad and upset that her effort level on this is really abysmal. When we were together, we braved all sorts of tiredness, sickness, distance to spend some time together. I definitely feel taken for granted that's for sure and why I need to cancel this thing which is causing me all sorts of emotional grief (it's not even about the money anymore and I can care less about getting a cent back from her now)

Thanks for listening.

Yes she most likely isn't intentionally taking advantage of you but her getting a free ride at your expense IS taking advantage.

I see that thread about creating an open letter to your ex. I want to do the same except I want to really send it to her. I have always been nice to her and never really gave her my true feelings of frustrations. Put of the reason was I wanted to "keep it nice" in hopes that she'll want to come back to me. I am finally severing all ties and I want to let her know what she put me through. Not be nasty but she never fully understood what I felt. I think she needs to know. So maybe she can correct some of her behavior. I know most suggest to not send it, but I want to. Bad idea? I think it will help move on for me to be honest... get off my chest to her. I don't care if it shows to her I am still all emotional over her because I don't plan on seeing her ever again.

Should I send it?

I think sending it is a bad idea. I letter from you is not going to make her change her behavior. She's only going to think that it is criticism from a bitter ex boyfriend.

Write the letter. It will make you feel better. But don't send it. It will be something you can never take back.

No you shouldn't, the letter will accomplish nothing. May even get a return to sender, if she even gives it that much thought. Trying to guilt her into coming back is like a last ditch effort your trying. This is just another attempt at breaking no contact, don't waste your time. Write the letter, put it in a box and let it be done

Nope.

Bigdee,

Is it perhaps that you are still feeling a little bad about this because you are finally realizing that the hope you have been holding onto is gone? Not because you think she might pay you back, or she isn't doing it on purpose, but because you don't want to let go but are realizing there is no other choice??

I think that you are finally coming to realization that you need to move on and get rid of this last link between the two of you. No matter what her intentions, feelings or motivations, you need to do what you need to do FOR YOU and move on...

Glad to hear your thinking rationally...

Send it here instead!!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/letters-our-exes-154321.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/open-letter-ex-60729.html

Well I wrote the letter... felt good... but I will take everyone's advice and not send it. I was thinking of posting it in the links Tal posted above but I got carried away and wrote so much I don't think I could fit it!

Anyway thanks again for the support everyone...

Is it perhaps that you are still feeling a little bad about this because you are finally realizing that the hope you have been holding onto is gone? Not because you think she might pay you back, or she isn't doing it on purpose, but because you don't want to let go but are realizing there is no other choice???


I originally didn't think so... but I actually dug deep down into my tangled mess of feelings and realized that you are right... LOL I am not as noble as I thought!

No. You cut the bills separately!

Seriously, set a deadline for her to pay the bills. Don't be passive about the situation.

I'll do even better, I'll remove her from my account completely!

Bigdee, yet another proud moment... good.

Stringer

Bigdee, like everyone who has given you such intelligent advice you yourself sound like a very intelligent man with a big, huge heart. Sometimes a person is taking advantage of someone without really realizing that they are and you gave her the opportunity to do that unintentionally. As long as you are giving her your hand to hold onto without requiring anything in return then she really isn't going to make an effort to come back to you as you had hoped in the beginning. Once you revoke your hand to her, she will truly be on her own and have to do it by herself. This could be very scary for her at this point since you have been the one who took care of that account that she uses.

The hardest thing to do is letting go but it is the most loving thing that you could do for this person. She's wanting to be without you [sorry] so you must let her take care of herself by herself.

I'll do even better, I'll remove her from my account completely!

Good!

ARGH!! I am am trying to meet up with my ex to tell her about dropping the plan. She keeps postponing. First the weekday is bad because she is tired after work. Then the whole weekend is bad because she's stressed, tired, busy and a little sick. I beg her for 10 minutes this weekend. Since relents but Saturday is so busy for her so we made plans for Friday... which she cancels because she's tired but says she can do Saturday now.. that actually her weekend really isn't too busy. Today she calls and says she is feeling sick so maybe Sunday if she feels up for it!! I'm going nuts. She is indeed sick and stressed but I 'm frustrated. I call her (and leave a message as she usually never picks up) and tell her nicely to not to bother trying to meet me, that I will let her know what's up later. Maybe she really doesn't want to meet me even though she initiated the idea of meeting up in the beginning for a coffee and maybe give me some money. I'd like to tell her about dropping the joint account to her face-to-face as I think that is the proper way to do it but I think I'll have to do it over the phone! Then again she dumped me over the phone so maybe it is not a bad idea.

ARGH!!

She doesn't have any money for you. I believe that is the main reason of her avoidence. If the money she said she would give you at this point isn't a real big issue for you, maybe just go ahead and close the account or remove yourself off of it so it doesn't continue and meet up with her when it's more convenient for both of you about the money she owes you.

If compensation is an issue and you want her to pay you back for the last 3 months maybe a small claims court could be of assistance. But don't let her keep you in a constant state of suspension. Like the rednecks say, "Git'R Done." :-)

Yeah the money is no big deal to me, just more the sense of lack of respect or appreciation. I know her financial situation isn't all that great, even with her starting a new career. The funny thing is that she is the one who offered to meet up this weekend in the first place. Maybe she had some money back then but then since spent it or something? I'll probably just tell her that I'll close the account by phone. Since I don't care about her giving me money and since it's probably best I keep NC, I won't bother trying to meet up with her again.

Oh she did return my call and leave a message saying she is sorry for all of this and that she really appreciates my patience and that she still wasn't to see me again sometime to hang out and give me some money, just that this weekend is bad.

Whatever... *sigh*

Bigdee,

You need to just do it. I can see from your posts and the way you have been writing that you are making excuses for the way she is treating you. She is pushing you aside as a low priority/avoiding you. Your right, you don't deserve that, but why are you trying to change the attitude and actions of someone who isn't in your life anymore? She made her choice, now you have to make her live with it.

Stop making excuses for her actions and stop trying to change those actions. Both are futile... Cut the cord and move on buddy.

Yeah the money is no big deal to me, just more the sense of lack of respect or appreciation. I know her financial situation isn't all that great, even with her starting a new career. The funny thing is that she is the one who offered to meet up this weekend in the first place. Maybe she had some money back then but then since spent it or something? I'll probably just tell her that I'll close the account by phone. Since I don't care about her giving me money and since it's probably best I keep NC, I won't bother trying to meet up with her again.

Oh she did return my call and leave a message saying she is sorry for all of this and that she really appreciates my patience and that she still wasn't to see me again sometime to hang out and give me some money, just that this weekend is bad.

Whatever... *sigh*

Call up the bill company and insist that there is a bill misplacement.
If she doesn't pay back, get the judge.

I just wanted to send a big public "Thank You" for all the support I've gotten on this board. It has really helped me get through some rough stretches..

It must be frustrating to take the time to give excellent advice only to see me (or anyone else) say thanks and then not follow it (like breaking NC, etc) and then see the same rant/vent posted again only to have to give the same advice again. Even though I may have trouble following what I know is great advice, it is definitely very very appreciated...

Thanks!

Well it's finally done. We met up to discuss the account and I told her what I wanted to do (end it). No argument from her as she pretty much agreed that it was for the best (and especially for me). I felt a little bad since she was going on about her financial pains but hey I got to do what's best for me. She went on about how she needs to pay me back and once she gets settled, she will give me something (which she has been saying for months). I told her to forget it and let's just move on. Later I ended the account officially and it felt good! Now it's finally over... the last tie! No more excuses to break NC now.

Been about 4 months since we ended it. Though NC was constantly broken, I felt pretty good since ending it. While I have a setback here and there (like today, hence the urge to visit this site again), for the most part I can now almost go a complete day without thinking of her as I've picked up other interests to occupy my time. And when I think of her it no longer brings me so down as it used to...

Let my experience serve as a lessons to other here struggling... best to cut all ties ASAP! And also... it DOES get better over time!

I am glad you are totally moving on with your own life now. No more toting around someone else's baggage. I wish for you the best and that real true love enters your life. You should go celebrate now. Celebrate the beginning of your new life.

I am relieved, and glad for you my friend, now the new adventures can begin.

Thanks to everyone for all the kind words! Looking forward to really moving on. I'm sure I'll hit some pitfalls here and there but I'm sure they will diminish over time...

Exactly! Way to have a positive outlook on the situation! Keep in touch

Wish my ex a quick Happy Birthday via e-mail. For some reason I'd feel a little bad not doing so because I think it is a trivial thing to do so. We are on somewhat friendly terms though we don't keep in contact too much anymore.

Bad idea?

How long have u guys been NC?

NO! If you are asking this question are aren't over your ex yet. I would highly advise against it unless you are completely over her

how long have u guys been NC?

It's complicated. We broke up over 4 months ago but we had small periodic contact during that time for various reasons (we had a joint account that we need to close, other logistics, etc... all mentioned in previous posts by me) which have since been ended so the actual NC has only been 2 weeks.

NO! If you are asking this question are aren't over your ex yet. I would highly advise against it unless you are completely over her

You're right, there are still some feelings there. I've mostly moved on and of the mindset that it's good that it's done. But there is a feeling of... actually I don't know. But honestly I don't think too much of her anymore. Does that count as completely over her?

Do it only if you know it won't make things worse, maybe even say in it I know we are doing NC but I just had to say happy birthday I don't want to make you mad I just believe no matter what sitution I still would like to wish you a good birthday.. something like that. But only you are able to judge if it's a good time to do it

No, don't say ANYTHING. What's the point? You two aren't in each others lives anymore. I don't wish my ex from 15 years ago happy birthday.

I guess 'cause when we broke up we both said we want to still be on friendly terms. And later on we talked about "leaving the door open" for each other maybe down the road though my gut feeling is that we will remain separate.

Something you should make your reality ASAP, you are no longer are together, and there is a 97% chance it will stay that way FOREVER.

You both left your doors open for different reasons. You left it open to give yourself false hope that someday, just maybe, she will come back to you. That is the same reason you want to wish her Happy Birthday. You want her to know you still care, and that the door is still open.

She left it open as an out. If/when she finds someone else, and it doesn't work out, or she is lonely some night, she knows your door is open and she can just walk right on in.

You guys broke up for a reason. You need to accept that it's over and move on. Does that mean you have to be aholes to each other? No. If you see her, say a friendly "Hi" with a smile and keep walking.

You can't spend the next month or two or six, leaving your door open, email her bday/how are you notes, hoping she will come back. Life is going to pass you by, and possibly "the one" will walk right in and out of your life at the same time. Accept that it's over forever, and move on. You'll regret every single day you spent not moving on. Trust me, I did it.

There is ZERO reason for you to send her a Birthday note. It's a feeble attempt to try to get her to notice you and try to get her back, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not.

This is a hard pill of reality to swallow, I know. But, the sooner you accept the reality, the sooner your heart can heal.

Hello all! It's been awhile since I've visited the site... this is actually good news for me because this indicated that I've mostly moved on with my ex. I think about her occasionally but it hardly brings out the emotions that it used to. As far as I'm concerned, I've moved on. I've started dating again so I feel pretty good overall.

So I was cleaning up my Facebook account the other day and because my ex had long ago posted some stuff on my page, I saw her name and noticed that her last name changed (for the non-facebook users, the name is dynamic... it will update to the current name even if the post itself is old). Anyway in short I see that the last name she uses in Facebook has changed. So I'm wondering if she got married. I'm curious and I feel like sending her a quick e-mail to confirm and if it is true to congratulate her. I suppose this is a bad idea. I don't know if my curiosity means I have some feelings for her that I shouldn't? I think it is just genuine curiosity but I haven't had any contact at all with her in over 9 months.

Bad idea to contact her?

It highly depends on your remaining feelings for her. If you're completely over her, then I don't see anything wrong. It's just like catching up with an old friend.

We can only hope that your feelings for her won't resurface and all your progress would go down the drain. That's the concern.

Hello all,
It's been over a year since I got dumped by my ex-gf. I wanted to give an update on the forum that helped me get through those difficult first months. First off I'd like to say Thank You! All the responses really helped.

Second, I wanted to share the biggest thing that helped me move on. And it is no secret... one of the most commonly given advice here. But I think it is important to reiterate it because looking at some posts today I still see the same questions over and over about it. Basically the biggest thing was NC. After the breakup, I still had some intermittent contact with my ex. For a variety of reasons. Some legit, some just to "hang on". Finally I listened to all the advice and stuck with NC. It was only then that I finally began to move on. I can't express strongly how important NC was. I beat myself for 3 months by breaking NC and finally once I stuck with it, the healing began. I can honestly say that I've moved on. I have no hope or desire to get back together. Other than a little curiosity on what she's up to, she's basically out of my thoughts and even when she pops back in there, I smile more at the memories than get all emotional. I've pretty much closed that book and put it on the shelf with the others.

Really folks.. NC is it. If you are serious, got stick to NC.

Thanks
Bd

Oh boy, am I trying harder then ever.

Heal me!


BTW: Congrats, I hope to achieve what you have one day.

I love it when things work out. Best to you, and your future.

Good post Bigdee.

If you are unsure about it, back away my friend.

Anytime you're unsure, never do it man.

Yeah I doubt I'll follow up. It was just a little weird to see that change in her name.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/update-what-helped-me-move-life-364028.html

Curious or not, you've come to far to go back now.

support for nc!!! Wooooo!!!

Bad idea to contact her?. Umm, YEP!

Straight to the point, that's me. ;)

What's a NC?

What's a NC?

Got it... thanks..

I have no hope or desire to get back together.
Ain't that the best?

Just check her profile?

Delete her posts and defriend her... an ex is not a friend, in my book. She has brought up emotions in you just from pure speculation. That kind of BS is never worth it. Keep moving forward.

Agreed with all. Curiosity indicates that some feelings are still there. You will be more upset than you think when you find out she fell in love with someone else and got married.

Curiosity killed the cat


Happy Friday

Best news today so far

Maybe we should start a "success story" sticky with people and what they found most useful with the advice they're given here ;) :D

Yeah I doubt I'll follow up. It was just a little weird to see that change in her name.

Don't let your curiosity get the best of you. Time to move on to bigger and better things. No more living in the past or getting updates about your ex.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/shes-dating-guy-same-name-304709-5.html

Speaking of a good ending. Or at least a step in the right direction.

Awesome stuff.
Hopefully, after seeing her (if I do) I can do the whole NC.

Everyone, thanks for all the kind words!

NC is something that we all learn the minute we join the board but it is so incredibly hard to follow despite all the advice.. I hope my story helps people stick to NC when they feel themselves slipping...

Curiosity killed the cat


Happy Friday

Yup. Even if I think I'm done with it, who knows what curiosity will stir up?

Again thanks to all.

Wow! Interesting to see all my threads merged into one... 15 pages! :-P

I married her and she won't shut up, God I'd do anything to get out of this. Just kidding, but the point is it doesn't really matter if she got married or not, a ring does not equal happiness, and your happiness is all that matters.