Hi all - I'm new here and I apologise in advance for my long story, but I need help!

I have been married for 4 yrs, total of 8 yrs with my man. We started so strong, so in love, he would honour the floor I walked on, he loved me, we were so in love!

I understand that the longer you are with someone the lust faids away however I'm so down lately. Little things like:-

I come home from work he is garden doesn't acknowledge me. Once I was went out to say hi :) and he said hi in a sad voice, then as I walked back indoors I nearly fell and he didn't see if I was OK.

Yesterday we went food shopping and he said what was that thing you said we should get - I was like - what thing - and he got in a mood and arsey with me because I couldn't remember - a few minutes later I remembered and I said you really bring me down.. how can remember on the spot! He said well you do and say silly things sometimes! It really hurt me. Then went we got to the cashier I said let me pass d food to the cashier and you bag it up! He said NO I DO THAT ALL THE TIME, which is a lie only once he did it so he passed the food to cashier whilst I bagged it all up! He could see I was down - came t help me abit but then as we got home acted like I was absoolutley fine and I wasn't.

He NEVER asks me if I'm OK - NEVER.
I started a new job as a recruitment conusltant and I placed my first candidate after 2 weeks - he didn't so any excitement for me - I got a well done in a low voice.. I then booked a wkend away in June for us with the bonus I got at work for my placement - he was like yes that a nice idea - and that was IT!

These things hurt me. I know they are pety things... He is very trsut worthy but these things ANNOY the hell out of me about him. I feel I can't speak to him because when I try he throws all back at me - saying well I told you well done or if he had to comment about d garden incident or whilst food shopping - he would say well you do forget and say silly things half the time :(
When I talk to him he frowns all the time like he doesn't have the time or day for me

I don't know I'm so down. Even, I inherited some money. Im also the bread winner when it comes financially - and I pay for everything, like to go out etc, he pays for mortgage and bills, but its me who pays for holidays, clothes, drinks etc... I don't think I ever got a thank you.

We text message each other a lot and maybe that's a mistake we both do - we chat on text and not face to face - even I love u - just on text :(

We haven't had sex in a few weeks also! I admit that's mostly my fault and I am not horny a lot

Does he still respect me?
Does he still Love me?
Should I stay or should I walk?
I know I can make it on my own!

Sometimes ordinary every day events are too humdrum for couples. Being together is just too predictable. Affirmation isn't always necessary. I think you are reading too much into your husbands attitude.

Could you be going through the change ?

What sort of change tickle?
I am turning 30 next yr lol if that makes any different!

However he has been like this with me for a while now

I meant menopause, sadface, but at 30 I don't think so !

I hate to say this, but you know feelings change, people change. If I had a man who acted like that towards I would start considering that there is another woman involved. Have you considered that possibility? Has there been any slight indication of it ?

You said you haven't had sex in a few weeks, and you feel it is your fault. Could be he is wondering what's going on with you too. I sense there isn't much in the way of good honest communication between you two if all you are doing is texting each other.

No I don't think there is anyone else.
As much as complained about my man I really do trust him in being faithful to me!

That's why maybe I think he is losing interest in me, doesn't love me like he used to! He doesn't respect me.

Im not perfect but I love him!

Yes indeed I believe that us texting during the day leaves us nothing to talk about when we get home

I would suggest to start initiating quiet times for both of you when you get home. You relax first, shake off the work day and get your mindset on giving him your undivided attention and don't get put off if at first if it doesn't work. If you both drink, have a glass of wine, maybe in the garden, if that's the kind of garden you have. Try to make romantic moments, don't mention problems, how he feels, etc. Get him relaxed so he will talk and get whatever it is off his chest.

I want this to work. I mean 8 yrs together is a long time and I appreciate that its not always rosey...
But these little things are getting to me - I feel I am not being myself with him because I cant! Im worried I may say something wrong and he will embarres me and have a go!

Yes it is that type of garden :)

In fact today I'm off but he is working! I intend to not message him all day and just see him when he comes with a glass of wine.

We are going out to eat at this fancy restaurant - he is booking I am paying

Do u think because I am the bread winner and I have inherited that money (quite a bit) he feels that he isn't a man! I don't know.

Im just trying to think of every possible aspect!

Also last week he crashed my car twice! Not on purpose obviously and he said to my friend she must really love me because she didn't get angry that I smashed her car - which he knew I loved that car a lot

Do you think he is having health problems he can't discuss with you? I do agree with you out about the bread winner comment, sadface, could be he feels inadequate in some ways, but he should have been able to get passed that years ago.

Good luck. You will probably have some other suggestions along the way on this site.

Yes I'm keen to hear other suggestions, but thanks tickle you have helped me get through my morning!
I have been the bread winner for over 3 yrs... and I don't brag about it far from it! I buy and do things for us... to enjoy together!

Health problems? Such as? I don't think so!

He just called me and was very nice over the phone!

He just rang me now and we started chatting and I said I was bored at home so he told me to read up about new series to order anyway I don't feel like reading so I told him I don't feel like reading and he said watever, why not it does take long! In a voice!

Every time I disagree to do something he says he gets abit like it!

Am I reading too much in to it or would it bother you also?

If your husband tells you :-

You don't need to tell me like a mother.
I don't need reminding!
And
Recently you have tended to be my mother not my partner

What does it mean?

Perhaps you nag him to do things like his mother used to. I just read an article on CNN about this:

Do you mommy your husband? - CNN.com (http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/04/30/mommy.husbands/index.html)

Interesting article!

Men have NO idea what to complain about or what to call it. You do not have an intimate relationship with Mommy. Ridiculous!

My husband and I bought a flat 1 yr ago. It was quite run down and needed lots of work. It was my husbands dream to buy a run down place and do it all up himself.

6 months ago the plaster came did plastered the walls but my husband thought he did a sh*t job. We couldn't complain thou as a friend did it for us. FREE

My husband told me didn't like it I also didn't think the walls were that great, and he wants to re do everythin himself i.e - sandin down of walls again - plastering and paintin. Deciding to do room by room we started from our bedroom. It has been 3 months now and we are still living in d spare bedroom. He works on wkends only and sometimes we go out at d wkend and lose a wkend. Im getting tired of living in dust. He always says he will do some more work wkdays after work but sometimes he comes home late and tired so I don't hassle him, and others he just decides to work on his plants and leaves the bedroom.

Now he wants to do all the house and we have another bedroom bathroom hallway and living and kithen! I can't bare living like this anymore and if I try tell him - we just paint and forget sanding and plastering he get all up tight with me and says - IT HAS TO BE DONE, it won't take me long!
(3 months to do 1 bedroom - I mean isn't that long?)

What should I do?

Suggest that he get professional help (not like that :P). He can still do most of the work himself and feel that this was his creation, but hire some professionals to help out. Hire them two or three days during the week. Let him do his thing on the weekend.

I suggested that he doesn't want to

Nothing like a project by amateurs, to cause grief and tensions, anger and resentments. The solution is to compromise, so set a date for completion and if its not met, no excuses get some help. The key is a reasonable date to work with.
Second choice is to move out and tell him to call you when he is finished. Either choice, calls for you to be proactive, and not just go along with the program.

Either choice, calls for you to be proactive, and not just go along with the program.

What do you mean exactly by that?

I wouldn't want to move out and leave him alone - I think it may cause friction!

I cleaned all day today.. He was asleep, he said he isn't feeling well.. fair enough if he is but I want to finish it! Fedup of living in a mess.
But sometimes we both like to go out on wkends after a hefty week at work.
Oh I don't no :(

What if you start doing some of the work too, whether he likes it or not?

Maybe it'll get him a gear a little bit?

Were I can help - I do, but some is quite heavy duty - I can't manage alone!
Maybe he really isn't well today!
Next wkend we going away!
Never ending

Originally Posted by talaniman
Either choice, calls for you to be proactive, and not just go along with the program.

what do u mean exactly by that?

The longer you standby and let this go, the longer you will be breathing dust.

I wouldn't want to move out and leave him alone - I think it may cause friction
So everything is hunky-Dorry? There is already friction. At least the friction you bring from moving may cause something to be done, and that is well worth the friction.

fed up of living in a mess.

Which is it, fear of hurting his feelings, or breathing dust in the half finished mess your in.

Next wkend we going away!

That will really get things done. You don't know what to do, he does, but doesn't do it. What a mess you two have to resolve, so stop tip-toeing around it, and express your displeasure. This situation calls for some friction from you.
My wife would have cussed me out for being a procrastinator, and had it done by the time I got home from work, and dared me to look crazy.
Get it done, and take him somewhere nice to stroke his hurt ego! At least ask him how long you have to breath dust? Come on, you have to do something beside twiddle your thumbs, and go along with this nonsense.

Superb advice Talaninman!!

While is he gone move into the rest of the home, leave one room for him to do, tell him he can do one room at at ime, when he finished that one, he can move things arouind for the next room.

And sleeping on the floor or the couch for a few nights till he gets more excieted about doing it will get things going.

Just got into a small argument with my husband about me not having the same interests as him.. such as walking, countryside, assembling stuff etc.. While I like to chill more! Like if we at beach I like to sunbath and he doesn't!

He said that he just puts up with it!

We been together 10 yrs
Has it come to an end?

He's pointing out that part of being married is TAKING an interest in the things your spouse enjoys. You do it because you have bonded yourself to this person for all time. This is one of the key things committed people do... become fans of and participants in the life of their mate.

You don't need to do everything all the time, you just need to do it frequently. Because that's what this kind of love is about.

I HATE house hunting and going to open houses. I hate exercise and shopping. I "give in" on the shopping and house hunting several times every month. That lets me off the hook on the exercise thing. BUT... I am the one who buys all the exercise equipment for her and encourages her daily workouts. So in this way I appear to be involved, as well.

In return, she lets me drag her on my weekend outings, day trips and house projects.

You've been married a long time. Too long for the "spark" to stay alive on its own. You need to practice dating with your guy again. If you two were courting, trying to get in good with another, you would be much more creative, much more willing to do things just because they wanted to. That's what dating is like. But GREAT marriages keep that behavior forever.

We are total opposites with different interests.
When he said - he just puts up with it made me believe that he isn't 100% happy! I mean believe me I don't believe in perfection but the way he said me made me sad.
We didn't speak last night and slept on sofa and this mornin he left for work with out saying good bye.

Yesterday it started when we went to get our new desk. And we had to build it up and I helped him a little and then we got on to the conversation were I said I would have paid someone to come and build it and she said you are not capable of doing it and I said I don't get enjoyment out of this! And I don't! All the house we did it up alone because he wants to do it - so I don't get it.

Is he fedup of me after 10 yrs?

Marriage is not 100% happy.
I'm thinking he would like some help. I hate washing pots and pans... But I do.
In my relationship, my GF and I had to build a huge home gym together. I look back and loved the fact that we were doing something hands on together.
I think some effort needs to be made in order to repair your marriage. Why did you marry him in the first place? You must have had some common interests. Its odd to me, I see people in relationships that last forever, and the man is always doing one thing and the wife is always doing something else. If you ask them if their happy, they say "YES!! And check out our flower garden."

Oh believe me I don't believe 100% perfection.

But him to say he puts up with it!

He saw how upset it made me. I cried in the bathroom and he didn't even say nothing. I didn't cry in front of him.

He said I don't take interest. But how can I not take interest when I let him do up the house alone like he wants to.

What do you suggest.. he won't even call me today I know it

oh believe me i dont believe 100% perfection.

but him to say he puts up with it!!

He saw how upset it made me. i cried in the bathroom and he didnt even say nothing. i didnt cry infront of him.

He said i dont take interest. But how can i not take interest wen i let him do up the house alone like he wants to.

What do u suggest...? he wont even call me today i know it
-----------------------------------
I'm not sure what you should do or say, you have been with him for ten years, maybe you should sit down with him tonight and discuss what you would like from each other in terms of effort. You have to both work together to establish what the problem is and work on a solution. Maybe you can find something you can do together, like watch the Sopranos series. LOL... Something you can both enjoy and make part of your routine.

I have tried to speak to him and all he says is - that all we do is what I want to do!
We do watch series together...
I don't know its like my heart is giving up on us.
I can't speak to him :(

He also said I isn't active enough

I said we went skiing last month and I skied he said only for 2 minutes!

If you are not that active he may well be worried about your health, because people do need to exercise.
But for heavens sake couples who are in love should be having a lot of disagreements. And to be honest he may be right, you may not exercise enough, but then you don't have to either if you don't want to, so you disagree? So what, if you did not disagree with your husband some then I would be really worried about the relationship.

He knows I need motivation to get to the gym or go for walks - so does he never suggest it? Or goahead get a membership for us to go together.
No he doesn't!
Im starting to think that after 10 yrs maybe its time for us to go our separate ways.

I know deep down he loves me - but if he is with me because he loves me and just puts up with my interests and what we do toegther is that good enough?

I would still talk with him.

Love isn't enough reason to get married, and it sure isn't enough to KEEP you married. A marriage is built on sacrificial behavior, on BOTH parties.

You two sound like siblings, not committed life partners. Unconditional love, the kind marriages a built on, bears everything that comes. Your differences, your commonalities, your ups and most of all the constant downs.

Life is a real bear. Marriage is supposed to make it easier on married people because the uncertainty of losing your mate over some sin (great or small) is eliminated, or at least it was supposed to be. VOWING to stay and do the work and figure it out, act sacrifically, honor / cherish / respect and not respond childishly or at least not react like people who are just dating... these are the basics of what you two PROMISED each other.

You both need to remember that.

When he critiques you, you forgive the tone you don't like, you ignore the facts that aren't real, but you PAY ATTENTION to the things he says that are. You do that because no one loves you and is committed to you the way he is. Even if you're mad, you still listen.

Read my original post above, it is all still the right answer here. You cannot ponder "will I bother hanging around" thoughts if your marriage was / is based on anything you promised the day you got married.

What you're going through now, this is exactly what being married is supposed to help you weather.

If your husband were someone someone you just liked a whole lot and were trying "get interested in you" while dating... you would take a real interest in his likes and hobbies, and he would do the same with you. You would! The fact that you don't like it would be set aside for the sake of the courtship.

Just because you've been married 10 years is no reason to let familiarity make either one of you selfish on this one point. You need to stay FANS of one another. Period. If for no other reason than you promised.

From where I sit, the very things you're complaining about and not wanting to give in on... these are the very things that would solve your situation and set you two up for some big wins again over the long run. And I mean BOTH of you.

Find things you like to do together. Sometime, marriages are about compromise. He does things with you because he loves you and wants to spend time with you but the activity itself may not interest him and vise versa. It sounds like you have a well season marriage not a dying one. Set some time away a couple of times a week and create time to spend with your spouse. Movie night or dinner night, go to the beach day, or sit at home night.

You know things don't always last forever... you could be right... but it could also be the worst mistake you can make.. You have to follow your heart.

We had a chat last night, well actually I chatted he 'listened' - he isn't good at confrontation and mum confirmed most men arnt!
Anyway - I spoke fromy heart and explaing what I felt.
All he said in the 15 min conversation was yes and no and then said that he wants me to show more of an interest in things he likes like gardenin So I told him he didn't even notice I watered plants and veggies the other day. He said that take an interest in shows he watches because I just get up and start doing other things ( I thought that was childish of him ) but last night I sat down and watched a series he likes with him. He said about our hoiday planned for summer he siad that he wanted to g to anthens and rhodes and I wanted to go to mykonos greece (im paying the holiday) so I said we go for a week to mykonos and do day trips to anthens and rhodes, isn't that fair? I mean our Xmas holiday he chose the destination...

Am I being fair?

Then I said if he is happy with me and he said YES (in a angry voice)
I don't get him!
He didn't ask me if I was happy! He never does!

I'm telling you to take the time and actually GET interested involved in his interests. He's telling you the same thing. Instead, you had one talk with him and claim "Hey, look at all I do...! You're not being fair."

That's not even remotely what I suggested.

Now I will say the things you noted that you did WERE the right idea. But the argumentative stuff you added in around the same time pretty much washed out any good effect it might have had, sorry to point out.

So, either you can figure out what I'm talking about and realize it's a way of life, not an evening or two or a show or two... or you can NOT figure it out and keep with the angry.

BTW, he won't ask you generally girlie questions like "are you happy" while you two are at odds. It won't happen. You focusing on that is just you adding to the unhappiness pile. Also, he doesn't really need to ask, you've made it loud and clear you're not happy. He's fully aware.

He'll only ask you stuff like that when you two are through the woods on the stuff you're going through right now.

Also, he's made it clear he's not happy right now and yet you find asking him if he is happy a useful question. Don't you think that's odd?

You need to take a lot of steps back and start treating him like a stranger you respect, the husband image right now isn't working for you. You've got a lot of "he owes me" concepts in your mind. It doesn't matter if you're right or not about that (you may be!), it just matters that those thoughts hurt your chances of solving this well, hurts your chances a LOT.

Is it normal for one of my husband's customers who is a woman my age when sending a text message to my husband, starts the message by saying Morning Darling?

Yes it is unusual. I would ask him calmly about it. Of course he will likely ask you how you got a hold of his text messages.

If you are monitoring his phone and text messages, then you obviously have reason to doubt him. I guess its time to confront him and get it over and done with. I am curious, what was the rest of the message ?

Tick

I asked to look at the photos on his phone of our son.. and I pressed something which took me to his inbox... and I saw that message as it was just there..

Its not right is it??
A customer should not call him Darling!!

Morning Darling, are we still on for tomorrow? If so what time?

I looked at the sent messages and he said :-

Morning, yes we are at 8.30.

I trust my husband.. even though this looks rather dodgy!

No, it isn't, in my opinion, anything to worry about.

IF however, there are other things going on, such as he's spending more time with her than he should, or he's suddenly taking an interest in new clothes, or regular haircuts, and taking money out of the bank, and staying out way past quittin' time, then of course you'd have reason to be suspicious.

Something about his behaviour is nagging at you. Set aside some time for just the two of you, to connect. Communicate your concerns, regardless of how 'silly' they might seem, and put the cards on the table. Just tell him that you find her comments to him, less than at a respectable, professional level. Nobody can tell you you are wrong to feel the way you feel.

If you have, however, found yourself feeling resentful, or doubtful or suspicious, then you really should not only talk to him, but take a good inventory of th marriage vows, and make sure you are both still 100% committed to each other.

Sometimes calling someone darling is just a form of speech.

I would suggest you look at the rest of the conversations, if they are available.

When I was a field technician it was not uncommon for secretaries to leave oddball messages for me.

One of the funniest ones I got told me that if I got there before 9:00 AM she'd serve coffee and breakfast for me.

Translation - "My typewriter is toes up, get here early!

there has not been any form of strange bahaviour from his end..

I guess I just don't like a random woman call my husband darling!

It's not what other women call him, its how he then responds to them. You just know when a situation is bad or at the very least "iffy". Conversation is the least of the problems.

I do understand your concerns though. It really worried my Lady that I was around women all day long. I was a repair tech on office equipment for IBM for 17 years.

I've had a woman answer the door wearing her see-through PJ's and tell me its okay to come inside because "Hubby" had already left for work. Another stuck her head out of the bathroom window and told me to wait for her. She showed up at the door wet and soapy and told me she was alone in the house so make myself comfortable while she dried off. I told her I'd come back in a half hour and went and got coffee.

I also had a woman walk down the hall to the master bedroom, open the door and tell me she was going to take a shower, then proceed to take her clothes off in front of the mirror, which was directly in my line of sight with the door open.

That one seriously scared me and I beat feet as quickly as possible.

there has not been any form of strange bahaviour from his end..
Well maybe a bit?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?do=finduser&u=331741&starteronly=1

But that was years ago!

So things had gotten better since then?

Yes much! We had spoken about our issues and sorted things through... we renewed our vows went on a second honeymoon and had a baby since.. so all is good

Have you had a chance to discuss the text message?

No as I'm kind of unsure how to bring it up :(
Any tips?

Should I perhaps ask him if he thinks its fine for a customer to say that??

This isn't so much about the text message, as it is you being uncomfortable with the context of it. It was said by another woman, to your husband, and if you are bothered by it, nobody can tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you do.

It doesn't matter that some (like me) may think it is a meaningless greeting meant as an endearment, rather than flirting, or indicative of inappropriateness. I get called many things by complete strangers such as honey, sweetie, dear, etc. and even more variations on that when they learn my name. Nothing is meant by it except a simple endearment. Either because I've helped them in some way, or work with them, or have them as neighbours.

But to you, this is a bone of contention, and the focus upon it, has to be resolved.

Just tell him you are uncomfortable with the words she chose to use. Tell him you hope that he does not address customers (women) in this regard, and talk about the person behind the words. Maybe she is happily married, raising kids, working, paying bills, and wondering where she's going to get the time for a haircut in the next month. Like most of us. He may not even know that much about her, or care to know that much about her, which is more likely.

Or you can choose plan 'B', which is to realize that there is nothing out of the ordinary for anybody to address anybody with, "Good morning Darling", which is far better a reflection on your husband, rather than her addressing him with, say, "I am totally unhappy with the work you did here and I want a refund immediately." Or worse.

Up to you how much importance to put to this. You aren't finding lipstick on his collar, he has no missing hours, he's not suddenly sucking in his belly and eating salads and drinking diet coke, acting suspiciously with whispered phone conversations, or otherwise behaving in any way that would suggest 'Good morning Darling', means a full blown affair is taking place.

You can't be suspicious of her words, without also being suspicious of how your husband responds to them. Somehow you are seemingly a bit insecure about him. Maybe plan A, just tell him how you feel, will result in him giving you an answer that will set your mind at ease.

As your post were being merged, and I read all of them that do go back a few years, a pattern started to emerge of you making small things a bit bigger than they need to be. But you both seem to get through it, so I see this as another little thing to talk about, and get through.

I really don't think you hold on to bad feelings long though, but they do ruffle your feathers a bit, but I don't see concern, or insecurity, so much as curiosity, and needing to understand better. Actually you, and your husband may be very normal, and typical, things pop up, you deal with it, and move to the next thing like we all do.

There is always a next thing. I think you do what you always have done, keep talking. I think the latest episode is like the others you posted, it has you piquéd, and curious, but hubby will explain she meant nothing by it, that's the way she addresses people, not just him, and you will go oh, okay, and that will be that.

Talk to him like you usually do, and let us know what happened.

he is not showing any of the signs you indicated which leads to an affair.. far from it...
His reply was very normal no honeys or darling etc...
She owns a restaurant and has done a few works for her and once even took me there to eat while I was pregnant.

As you said I just simply don't like a random woman (customer) call my husband darling

Comment on talaniman's post

You are dead on... thank you

Is not holding on to bad feeling long enough a bad thing?

Not at all, it shows a certain amount of flexibility I think, though to be honest your attitudes are rigid sometimes when it comes to yourself. You don't always want to co operate, and I think that does cause glitches, and a bit of conflict sometimes but on balance, who's perfect. :D

Well I have asked him :)
His answer was - its just a figure of speech hon.

What do u guys think?

Works for me!

My general self-help tip of the day:

"Just because I don't like something doesn't mean other people need to change their behavior. It's more often than not my issue to deal with in my head. Keep it to myself."

Its very true actually