Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when I turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thank you!

Hi, Judith,
Thank you for asking a question here, and Welcome to this site. I have asked that your question be moved to start a new question, rather than adding on to this thread, which is 7 months old!
Now, to your question. You are 16 yrs old?
I wouldn't be making any decisions at the present time about marriage, or anything near it. Why rush into this? If your boyfriend is to be deported when you are 18 yrs old, then you still have 2 yrs to think about this. I wouldn'd even suggest being married at 18.
I am 64 yrs old, divorced first marriage after 7 years, but now married for 29 years to a wonderful lady.
Marrying into a different faith carries more responsibility, and there are more problems with marriages of different faiths. You really should give this some serious thought. It is highly possilbe, that after another year, you won't even like this person anymore. Life is strange, and relationships change. I am sure your parents would give you some advice here. I do wish you the very best, and good luck.

He's muslim and you are not?

You are correct that many Muslim marriages last, but that is between two Muslims, can I assume that he, being Asian is not Muslim.

But the issue is that just getting married is no promise that any citizenship would be granted, the issues he is having now would still be there.

You need him to clear up his legal issues. Next two years is a long time, and he may have changed and you will certainly change over the next two years. IF you still want to get married in two years great.

I have heard a story about some adults pressuring a younger person to get married with her cousin so he can stay in a certain country. Even though they might think it is normal or right. I thought that it was a worse Idea just to get married to somebody to help out family members. At the same time you say that your in love and he is in love with you so that is different. I think that it would be important to get married because you truly want to be with each other for life not just to keep him in the country. If you are uncomfortable with this then maybe you should wait and think it through. I can not tell you what to do, that is only up to you. Remember the reason for getting married will effect wheather it will be a long term marriage or not. Just my opinion.

Joe

Thank you so much for your advice.
In response to your questions he is Muslim and I am not. Although he assures me that there will be no pressure from him to convert from Christianity to Islam, though I am not sure of the opinions of his family.
His legal issues mean that he may be deported by March 6, though I canot "help" him until I am 18 and legally permitted to marry him. Frchuck do you have any more information on the citizenship laws and are they British?
I do love him but I am quite a realistic person and the statistics on divorce [especially in bi-racial marriages] scare me.

In response to your questions he is Muslim and I am not. Although he assures me that there will be no pressure from him to convert from Christianity to Islam, I'm sory but this statement is confusing - why would he convert to islam if he is muslim?

I posted this on your other thread, but I will repost it here:

I am hesitant about mentioning this to you, but I will in the interest of full disclosure.

You don't have to wait until you are 18 to marry him.

Many places allows a 16 or 17 year old to get married, as long as they have the written permission of their parents or legal guardians.

So you probably could get married now if your folks agree to it.


That being said, I don't think you should. Getting married to keep someone in the country is usually not a good reason to get married.

Why is he having troubles? Has it gotten himself involved with some crime?

If you marry him now just to keep him in the country, then odds are this marriage won't last and in the long run it will cost you way more…lawyer's fees, etc.

If he is to be deported, then so be it. Don't rush your life in order to help him.


You are only 16….and most marriage at a young age, do NOT work out.

can I assume that he, being Asian is not Muslim.


Fr Chuck,

It is time for me to teach you something! :)

Here in North America, we call people from China, etc Asians and the Middle East Muslims, South Asians/Muslims.

In the UK, they call the Middle East people Asians and the China people South Asians.


Confusing, yes. But then, don't they drive on the opposite side of the road as well? :p


I didn't realize this myself until the 7/7 terrorist bombings in London. People on the news said they saw suspicious Asians. To them, Asians are Middle East people.

Need Karma: sorry I meant no pressure from him for me to convert from Christianity to Islam
CaptainForest I doubt very much that I would have the support of my parents and my boyfriend would really like to get married in his home country. He hasn't got himself into any criminal activity, but his legal documentation that he has been given is apparently not acceptable under new law. Although his situation seems to be improving as he was released from the detention centre after various appeals, however the possibility of his deportation remains high. I really don't know what to do?

Are you aware that in his home country, men marry more than 1 wife?

Is this the life style you want? To be one of many wives?

Just me butt

Just me, But I would not advise marriage to any one as young as 16.You may think your in love but a lot of things can change in the next few years. To be married to allow some one to stay in the country is no reason to consider tying your life to, someone you probably don't know that well.And a 21 year old and a 16 year old ,sorry I can't even condon the relationship period.Do what you must but I ask you give this a lot of clear thought and see where his family and yours stand on the matter before you jump into such a life changing situation.Good luck to you.:cool:

CaptainForest I am aware of polygny and we have discussed it, but it is something that he cannot justify and would not enter into.
talaniman
And a 21 year old and a 16 year old ,sorry I can't even condon the relationship period can I ask why?

At 16 I feel is too young of an age to have a clear vision of what your future will be like.You have no idea how your feelings wants and needs will grow and expand to make you an entirely different person than you are now.At 16 you have almost no life experience by witch to draw any wisdom or guidance from, you have no clue what love is so I know even though you think you love this fellow how can you know until the lust is over with.You should be out dating and hanging out and having fun before you jump into a life that half the adults around you can't handle.You never said how his family will feel about you or react to there son or you for that matter. YOU don't know and frankly there are a lot in life you don't know about.What kind of man 21,sniffs around a young under aged female in the u.s. that's rape and while your head is filled with LOVE you are illegal under the law.Does he have a job a future an education or will he be living with ma.Convince me you know what to do after a couple of kids and no education and no money.This is the real world out here!! :cool:

I think you'd better inform yourself on the status of women is islamic countries. You may be getting into something you don't want and can't manage, especially without the support of your parents and away form your country.

NeedKarmaI have no intention of living within his culture and neither does he as his family rely upon him to suport them financially and keep thei heads above the poverty line.
He does have a job and works in the catering industry as a head chef with ambitions of owning his own restaurant.
talaniman you say that in the US it is rape for a man of 21 to be with a girl of 16, however this is not true of Britain. I am very appreciative of your advice and think that you make many valid points about my lack of life experience.
However, several of my friends are pregnant with the children of men whom they are no longer with at just 3 months in. I would suggest that in such a situation those people are bound together for the remainder of their lives and with the least amount of thought [otherwise they would have used contraception]. My point being that these people are entering into a similar situation to mine in that they will be united for the duration of their life and yet this is far more acceptable than young marriage?
If I do reach the conclusion that I am just not ready for marriage at this stage how am I supposed to tell him as this is what he wants for us [Islamic culture does not accept relationships only marriage] and it may be his only option to continue to support his family?

I didn't know you were pregnant.But I'm glad to know that you at least are taking the time to work through this situation thoughfully.Him supporting his family is his chioce, and your right about his obligation to you and your child, in my mind though young marriages just don't work out well unless the two of you are mature enough to handle the situations that will present themselves down the road.You have said you will not enter the muslim life but if you had his child he must still have to support his baby and take care of his family so he will already have a conflict going with the added responsibility and if they do not accept your relationship what does that leave the two of you, get married?Where will youlive with them,and you think you won't have to follow their rules! This is very complex is the main reason you must think this through before you get into something that may be very hard on you, your baby, and the young man,:cool:

Hmmm... I didn't get from her post that she was pregnant, just that a lot of her friends are. Her friends are letting themselves get pregnant in order to basically 'trap' the men into marriage.

Hey Judith, how about this: how about you break this cycle that your friends aer in. Go to school, get a good education, enjoy being a teenager, travel, meet lots of people, then see what life brings your way.

There are too many warning flags to future problems for you if you continues down your current path.

NeedKarma You were right I am not pregnant. Thank you for your advice, but I just don't see how that is possible anymore. I mean I do go to school and get decent grades [right now I am doing my A levels etc] and I have a lot of friends.

I just don't see a way of getting out of it. I mean its two years before it will become a big issue, but I think that if I do decide not to marry him how can I ever break that news to him? He will be absolutely devastated as this is what he wants for us [Islamic culture does not accept relationships but focuses on the sanctity of marriage] and it may be his only option to continue to support his family by staying/returning to Britain?

Don't get me wrong my feeling guilty is not the reason for me thinking about going through with it, I do love him. However, how do you know for sure if you do love someone or whether [as many of you have suggested to me] that it is something that will just pass, leaving me with the remnants of the biggest mistake of my life?

Do you know how we can be so certain? Because we all have been 16 once and we all have had first loves. It's a part of growing up. It's good to date a few people as it allows you to discover yourself along the way and it teaches you what you require in a lifelong mate. You cannot possibly know this at 16. If he is pressuring you then that is a problem. No one should pressure you especially since you are only 16 years old.

Don't worry about his ongoing story about supporting his family, that should have no bearing on your relationship - that's yet another red flag if you ask me.

Make your decision based on YOUR happiness in life, not another's.

So NeedKarma have you ever been in love? [sorry if this is too personal] its just how do you know that that is love?
I do definitely feel overwhelmed by such a commitment at such a young age but what should I say too him? What would you do in my situation? You mention "red flags" but what do you suggest would constitute that in our relationship?

Have I ever been in love? Absolutely, many times. I wasn't ready for marriage though until later in life - I got married at 36. Before I got married I met people from all over the world, travelled to about 12 different countries, did a variety of different jobs. Now I'm comfortable with who I am and who I'm with and I absolutely LOVE being a dad to my two young children.

I think I have said enough about my opinions, why don't you talk to your parents?

NeedKarmaI am really happy for you! Thank you for all of the great advice you have given me you have been a wonderful source of support!. but I daren't breach the subject with my parents

Keeping him in the country is not a very good reason to marry someone,He should be getting his act together with immigration, his problem, not yours.That he would marry you to stay here is a red flag. He benefits by taking the easy way out.This is not an indication of love but it is self serving on his part. There are many stories of people marrying to stay in country this is a very old scam.It seldom works out.:cool:

NeedKarmaI am really happy for you! Thankyou for all of the great advice you have given me you have been a wonderful source of support!...but i daren't breach the subject with my parentsThank you and you are very welcome.
I'm sorry to hear that you can't tell your parents everything. I hope that this situation changes for you.

talaniman he always wanted to marry me before the troubles with immigration, but it has only become a realistic option recently and so I don't think it is a scam as such. However, do you have any information on why "it seldom works out"?

NeedKarma thank you once again

Because in a scam some benefits and some don't. People can be very sweet when they are trying to get over on someone but as soon as they do then their true feelings come out and they change which changes the relationship and with no love to sustain it ,it quickly falls apart. There are some desperate heartless people out there waiting to prey on the weak or the lonely or the ones who just don't know about the hidden motives of people.As I said marriage is not a realistic way to solve immagration problems!:cool:

talaniman I have known my boyfriend for several years a long time before his immigration problems and so I don't think that he is "preying on me if that is what you are suggesting. I would not for one moment suggest that he is in any way manipulative, devious or coniving. And I feel that there is love in our relationship.

I truly hope your love can carry you through.the best of luck whatever you decide.:cool: :)

I think at the age of 16, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. When I think about who I was "in love" with from that age to my early 20's, it would have been a hopeless situation if I married any of them. Trust me when I say you are at no age to be making these longterm decisions in your life. Immigration puts a whole new factor in the relationship because then motives are questioned too. If he's on deportation status, a marriage to a US citizen may not be easy to stay as it sounds. I've known those to marry US citizens and still have to go back to their country. Are u muslim too? Muslim marriages last because of social and religious pressure - not because they are necessarily happy and in love.

Skinwhite: No I am not a Muslim
Muslim marriages last because of social and religious pressure
but I do feel that this is a gross generalisation as I have many Muslim friends of which some are happily married and very much in love. However I think it could be very helpful if you could elaborate on this at all:
I've known those to marry US citizens and still have to go back to their country [despite my being British lol]

i do feel that this is a gross generalisation as I have many Muslim friends of which some are happily married and very much in love.

Actually, the generalisation was made on your part stating muslim marriages last longer when they marry young- I was just stating why this is probably so compared to let's say the British(who have the highest divorce rate in the world), or Westerners where divorce rate is higher than the East.

You really should consult with an immigration lawyer about all the details, because I don't know anymore to elaborate on what I hear casually about immigration issues between people married or wanting to get married.

I do know that 16 is much too young to have any of these issues on your plate. And I do know that every 16 yr old will think their case is different and it is really love. If you research it, I'm sure you'll find that many that married so young regretted it later.

SkinWhite; Just to clarify Muslim countries DO have some of the lowest divorce rates, I am not aware of the average age of marriage and so I cannot say that young Muslim marriages are the cause for this. However, thank you for your advice, I will look into the legislation on the issue etc But if you [or anyone else for that matter] can tell me what would be best to say to him if I do decide not to go ahead?

I can tell you being from a different culture/religion myself that I am well aware of muslim cultures, traditions and upbringings. For the most part, in these countries kids are raised differently than western worlds. Religion and family come first, education second, and own happiness is considered a selfish desire. So what many people feel or think is not a factor in marriage necessarily, but rather a luxury. Divorce is just not an option. Of course, generations are changing and it is happening more than in the past - but generally speaking, divorce is not tolerated, supported or accepted. If you are not muslim, then this is another factor that at 16 is a big thing to be considered that you are not prepared for. It's a whole other way of life and beliefs. Also, young men always think religion doesn't matter until they get older and have kids then suddenly become more spiritual. Muslims believe all other religions are infidels, so if you do not convert(no matter what he says now at the young age of 21) - you better believe it will be a huge issue down the road.

As far as what you should tell your boyfriend, you care about him deeply but much too young to make a life long commitment or even consider one. You wish him the best of luck with immigration purposes, and will help in supporting him through it, but he will have to look at other avenues such as jobs/skills, other sponsors.

I didn't realize there were previous pages on here and had read some of the situation before I replied. I read somewhere you were British? Are you in the US or UK? I apologize if you have already answered this but I have not read all the thread. Never mind just read the entire thread - so you are in Britain. Don't know much about their laws. From reading your posts, it seems like you are afraid and guilt ridden to break off the relationship. You wrote "he" not "we" will be devastated and the fact he has to support his family. This is a tough situation for him and maybe he should be on askmehelp in another section on how to achieve his goals - but it's not YOUR problem at such a young age. Relationships are so tough without even a quarter of your factors that are involved. Like another poster said there is nothing but Red Flags in this relationship. March 6th is around the corner, will be interested in what happens.

Again, you need to tell him the truth - you are much too young to be making such big decisions in your life. It will be very interesting to see his true nature when things are not agreeable or going to his plan. Will he be understanding or will you see another side you didn't know existed? I think you are afraid of the latter.

Just throwing in my 2 cents. I am very sorry your young man is having issues with immigration. I do realize you were together before the problems started and you feel your in love.

I met a guy who was about 20 when I was 17. He was everything I ever dreamed of in a guy. I ADORED him. His smile, his laugh, I was so proud just to walk into a room with him because of who he was to me. He was good to his parents and worked hard even though he had a wild side with his friends I never thought it would be a problem. When we got married I cried I was so happy and just soooo sure of our chances of making it.

Then we had 2 kids and I matured into a woman, I am positive some light went on inside of me when I turned about 22 or so. I starting seeing him for who he really was and not just what my young heart saw all those years ago. He went on to fall for a girl who worked with him and proceeded to make my life harder than I ever dreamed possible. (won't go into detail since I did that in my child custody thread).

Today I am 30 and engaged to a 33 year old guy. We have been together a little over 1.5 years. I hope to marry him before this year is out but I am not pushing the issue right now even though it might help me legally with my custody battles. If there is one thing I learned the hard way its not to rush into things. Love as an adult woman is sooo different than what I had at the greatest time in my first marriage. What I wanted in a guy then and what I have come to find I want as an adult woman who has lived some is completely different. The two of them couldn't be more different guys. I wish I wasn't in such a dang hurry to grow up, it wasn't anything like I thought it would be.

For yourself, for your future please please wait. I wish I could say that to you a hundred times I swear you will wish you did. The love you will find once you come into your own as a woman is like nothing you will find in the next few years. I know there are exceptions heck my grandparents married when she was 14 and he was 19. They were married for 52 years before she passed away. BUT they still had a great deal of issues that might not have happened if they had waited until they had grown up and experienced more of life before becoming married.

As for what you tell him here is what I would say if I could go back and look into my ex's gorgeous brown eyes that used to make my heart pool at my feet. I love you more than any man I have yet to meet in a romantic way, I hope we can continue to get to know each other. BUT I have done a lot of thinking and I have decided my future is precious and it is worth waiting until I am ready for it. I love my future children and I can't think of another guy I would want to have them with other than you BUT I know I also love them enough to wait until I have the life experience it will take to be the best mother to them that I can be. I want to be there for you and help you in your time of need but I can't make you promises that might keep me from making my dreams for my future from coming true. If you love me enough to marry me and we are truly meant to be together then you will be there when I am ready to become a wife. You will want me to have had the opportunity to enjoy my young adulthood, explore my interests, and meet my educational goals. You will want me to come to you as a secure woman who knows without a doubt she is ready to commit to you. Not a young lady who is just finding her adult steps in this world. It is not that I do not love you, it is that I love myself enough not to risk never living up to my full potential.

Just give my advice some thought, it would save you thousands of tears later on if it turned out anything like mine did.

Wow Scaredgal, sorry you had to go through all that. But by sharing your experience, I hope that Judith can see what everyone has been saying happened indeed with you. Your whole outlook on life is different when you are 16 and when you are in your mid 20's. Our grandparents lived in a different world than we do now. I think your suggestion was very heartfelt and Judith will be able to connect with it. Wish you the strength, Judith, to do what you know deep down inside is the right thing to do.

You are only 16 years old. He's 21. Being that you are so young, the age difference is too big. Now, if you were 30 and he were 35, and there were no issues regarding his immigration, that's different, you are both mature adults at that point and there is no emotional push to make you do it. Let him go back and work at getting himself back to the country legally. Your feelings for this man are not going to be enough to hold your marriage together. The difference in religions is also VERY important in choosing a spouse. Right now you're okay with the difference, he's not "pressuring" you to change. What will happen when you have children? Will he pressure the change then? Will you become a family divided over religion and beliefs? If your parents would not approve, give them some credit for their experience and love for you and listen to them.

I understand that you believe that muslims have a lower divorce rate because of social and religious pressure, but does that mean that they are successful marriages or are they still married just to save face? Do they stay married regardless of abuse, addiction or adultery because divorce is shameful??

Please don't jump into something that cannot be fixed by a simple divorce. The divorce won't make you forget the heartbreak or things you had to go through in a bad marriage.

Judith -

I know its hard to listen to people say that at your age you cannot make this kind of decision fully understanding the consequences. My mother was 16 and my father was 17 when they were married because my mother was pregnant with me. My mother will never regret what she did. The sad truth is that at such a young age, you still have some time before you really know yourself. That does not mean you are lost. It does not mean you don't know love. I believe you do know a form of love that is intense, exciting, and meaningful.

I began dating a girl when I was 16. We dated through 2 years high school, 4 years of college, one year med school. I was certain we'd marry. I was in love and so was she. Luckily we didn't marry. We were great for each other during that time. It was unbelievable. But what we wanted at 16 and 18 and 20 was not necessarily what we wanted at 24 or 26 or 30.

I can tell you my relationship with her was so unique... there was a connection that we shared that I've never had in any other relationship. Yet I am grateful that we didn't make that mistake so early in life.

I honestly don't think most people really find themselves and what they want until at least their mid 20's. And even then, its just the beginning of a life long discovery.

So I would say to you... support him in every way you can. But the fact you are writing here is proof that you are not comfortable with this situation. You feel an obligation... that is understandable. But please, please, please... don't marry for this reason.

You may love him but this is not a problem you created. You are NOT obligated to marry him. Period. If he cannot respect the fact that you are not ready for marriage, then that is another reason for you not to marry him.

I'm sad that you have to bear such a burden at this young age. You have some wonderful years in front of you. Maybe they will be with him. But do not marry under these circumstances.

You should also tell him that you are not comfortable at this time with the idea of marriage. If he understands, then I would say maybe there is a future down the line someplace. If he does not, then he is more interested in himself than he is in the truth of a marriage.

Skinwhite You say you are of a different culture to the one in which you live... has this affected your life and relationships in any negative way? Can I ask [if its not too personal] whether you yourself are muslim?

Scaredgal I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story with me. Just reading it really made me feel more awake to the world and I truly appreciate your practical advice over what to tell him as this is one of my biggest worries! Mainly I just feel completely naïve and stupid for getting into this in the first place... and to make things worse he has a hearing tomorrow and so that really is D-Day in that it will determine whether he will be deported or allowed to stay another month.

momincali You said you felt that the age gap is too big in our relationship, can I ask why that is? Its just that when I'm with him it does truly fell that we're on the same level

kp2171 thank you for sharing your story... I do really appreciate life experience as it makes it easier for me to take on board you advice. What did you do... you say that you were glad you didn't get married but why?
You were right in saying that I fell obliged because it has got to that point now because a little while ago I said I would marry him and now he's relying on that because he may be gone tomorrow and we're both scared... but I'm not sure I can do it anymore having thought it through in more detail and form listening to the advice given me on here... what can I do?

You can be honest and tel him you cannot be married before you get yourself and your life in order.If he loves you he'll understand and go by your wishes whether he stays in the country or not.If not you will find out a few things about him you didn't know before.Stick to your guns!:cool:

talaniman: I do really want to be honest with him and let him know that I'm uncertain as to whether marriage is the best option for us. But I don't see how I can as his hearing is tomorrow [March 6] and I think it would just all be too much for him to take as we are both aware that this may be the only way he can be allowed back into Britain. I did try and show him other options for him [for example obtaining a work permit] but he wasn't having any of it.

You say "Stick to your guns!" can I just ask what you mean by that?

Dear Judith,

It would appear that you are going to do what you have been palnning to do all along. After reading all of the advice offered in this thread you don't seem to want to 'get it' and my money is that you will do nothing different that the day you first posted here. Just my opinion.

NeedKarma Im sorry but I don't understand a word of what your trying to say! Could you possibly rephrase it?

NeedKarma Im sorry but I don't understand a word of what your trying to say! Could you possibly rephrase it?



Dear Judith,

It would appear that you are going to do what you have been palnning to do all along. After reading all of the advice offered in this thread you don't seem to want to 'get it' and my money is that you will do nothing different that the day you first posted here. Just my opinion.


He said that he doesn't believe you are looking for advice, but rather for people to agree with you.

And for the record, I think he brings up some good points.

You will not listen to anyone, but rather, just want someone to agree with your original course of action

Captainforest and NeedKarma I honestly do not know what to do and so am truly searching for advice I don't know the right path to take... I.m just really struggling and so resorted to asking about it on this forum. I'm not looking for someone to agree with the original course of action because there was no original course of action! I do agree with several people here about my age and my lack of life experience and am starting to believe that I was wrong in my way of dealing with it but I don't know what I can do about that... Im just looking for practical advice about how to deal with a situation that is way beyond my control

Hey, Judith, Talaniman means "stick to your guns!" It means stand your ground for making your point to this young man why you feel ,(& will subsequently DO)that it marriage is not" our" best option now. You have some of your own, like work permits I heard.

I am from the USA. I was 25 when I married a Lebanese man, 26. We "dated" for oh about 14 mo. Prior. He had already "used" some other poor girl to get married to & divorced . Maybe he didn't love anymore . Seemed a little of both to me. Anyway, I was naïve even at that age. I kind of loved him. But I think it was because he loved me so much. He took me travelling & bought me things. He could afford it as he owned a profitable business . His business last about 2 yrs. After I met him because it was in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood . And he being Muslim well, there was unrest in Lebanon at the time. 1975 & 1976. When things didn't go well for him that way, he changed. His jealousy was the biggest reason I left. It became violent . I coulnt stand how I couldn't even wear shorts. His relatives did help him to start another business but this didn't help. I realized I didn't love him anymore. That he was just too "foreign" for me
After 11/2 yrs after marriage. He drank some Arak 1 night & I took a beating ( don't worry, no permanent damage- but caused me to have a miscarriage. My big brother came to the rescue, & talked some good sense into me though. As for him , well he fled beforehand. So big bro didn't have to get into trouble because he came with a bat!
So I'd also stick to your guns . Be firm. If you want to keep on seeing him, remember what these people told you about the muslim religion & culture.
As for me. I'm cool. 3rd time's a charm they say. Married 20 yrs. Have a beautiful 23 y.o. & graduate student daughter from my 2nd marriage(hey we gave it a shot) Present husband & I have another beautiful daughter 19 & a computer nerd
Sorry if my input is so long. As one gets older, the more stories they get!!

Above all. I have to say stay a Christian either way & keep after your education . I certainly know I was really grateful to have a skill especially when it came time to leave.
God bless you & good luck tomorrow

31pumpkin: I am in total awe of you... how you managed to come through such a terrible situation and stay positive! To be honest a few similarities between your situation and mine scare me, don't get me wrong he has never been violent, its just the jealously that you talk about and the presents and the kind of overprotective love [correct me if I'm wrong]. Thank you for your advice and support... Im really happy that you now have the life that you deserve and that you were strong enough to overcome the bad times

Well, it was a long tome ago & thankfully I can't remember how I "felt". But I do remember that his violence showed up when he got a lot of stress from his problems from work. It was nowhere apparent when I married him... & espec. When I first met him.
It's dinner time here in the US . Then we (2nd daughter) can't wait to see The Academy Awards on TV later. So I'm going to go.Good luck again!

talaniman: i do really want to be honest with him and let him know that im uncertain as to whether marriage is the best option for us. But i don't see how i can as his hearing is tomorrow [March 6] and i think it would just all be too much for him to take as we are both aware that this may be the only way he can be allowed back into Britain. I did try and show him other options for him [for example obtaining a work permit] but he wasnt having any of it.

You say "Stick to your guns!" can i just ask what you mean by that?First "Stick to your guns!" make a decision and stick to it no matter what! Second the fact that he doesn't at least look at other options shows he's already made up his mind what he wants to happen,and third You don't know enough of him to make a decision to marry him,Let me ask you are you prepared for him to tell you how to run his house or raise his children or what if he decides you need to stay home with his babies and raise them to be good Muslims. What if he told you, you can't work or go to school? Are you prepared to be subservient the way Muslim women are. Stop thinking about his needs and put yourself first and do what is best for you. That's what we all have been trying to tell you!:cool:

talanimanno I am not prepared to stay at home and be subservient nor am I prepared to be a Muslim period. So I recognise that I do have to tell him I don't want to marry him as things are at the moment but you have to agree that with all this additional pressure it wouldn't be fair to let him down like that now... but when?

with all this additional pressure it wouldnt be fair to let him down like that nowSure, happens all the time. It's worse to give him false hope.

As soon as possible so he can weigh his other options,sounds cruel but in the long run its better for you both!

Everything went fine today at his hearing and so he is able to remain in Britain for at least another month so I suppose I have to tell him that I can't help him if things don't continue to go well regarding his immigration affairs

No, I'm not muslim - but am aware of their culture from stories I hear from my parents as well as what I've seen. But I'm not going to get into that since you are aware of the life altering changes if you marry into it.

Now, since you seem to understand that you're by no means ready for marriage. I'd like to understand the logistics of this immigration plan. What is it that the he thinks the plan is? He has a month in Britain according to the hearing - to do what - arrange to leave? Does he think u all can marry within this month and he can stay? I remember u writing in the beginning of your post that u all were waiting until u were 18,so how does this fit into the whole plan?

Skinwhite: He recognises that it would not be possible for us to get married all within this next month, especially as in England it is illegal to get married before 18. For this reason he thinks that the most practical solution would be to enjoy what time we have together in England now and if/when he is deported then I will come to meet him when I turn 18 so that we can be married in his country and then ill come back to England to apply for his citizenship [according to his plan]

So basically you are saying, you know it won't work out - but are afraid to make a bad thing worse for him. Maybe in the back of your mind, you're thinking if he leaves in a month then u can just end it while he's gone and won't have to face him or see his hurt... or maybe over 2 yrs time it will be easy to fizzle out. BUT, the system may take time and he may actually be here for more than a month or even a year(s). Therefore, dragging this out is just going to make it worse for everyone involved. You've gotten some pretty good wordings to use and I think it's time to communicate them to him.

Skinwhite I feel ashamed to admit it but after a little consideration I think you are right, maybe I do want it to "fizzle out" when he leaves to eliviate me of the responsibility of letting him down in person. It is not that I don't love him, I am just starting to feel that this pressure on me is too much and is ruining our relationship. At the same time I don't want him to leave or for us to break up and this is what I fear will happen when I tell him how I feel about the whole issue.

Has his pressure ever been based on how much he loves you and wants to spend his life with you or simply on the fact that he can then gain his citizenship?

And besides, I made a marital decision based on my wanting to do what was best for 'him' and ended up regretting it for a very long time.

Idecook: he does assure me that he loves me whole heartedly and does want to marry me to be with me and not to gain citiznenship. He had always talked of marriage but I just assumed it was his romantic inclinations and not a real possibility and so now that it has become such I am starting to feel a little pressured and totally panicked.

HI, Judith,
At 16 yrs old, I can understand you being "panicky"!!
You aren't ready for marriage, and that's what makes you afraid. Your boyfriend, being 21, shouldn't be talking about marriage either with a teen.
Slow it down. Tell him you love him, but you are not thinking about marriage right now, or anytime soon in the future.
If you keep telling him you will marry him when you are 18, you are setting yourself up for some very "worry" times. You are worried right now!
Again, Slow this down. I do wish you the very best, and take control of your life; without making any more promises.

Thanks fredg! I appreciate your advice!

I did talk to him and made sure that I didn't promise him things that I knew deep down that I could never followthrough with! We've had talks over the issue of marriage and his citizenship and Im starting to think that maybe he does understand where Im coming from. Although when we first discussed it he got very angry and felt hurt and betrayed by my actions... which I told him I deeply regretted!

We are still together and his immigration troubles seem to have subsided for now, but nevertheless his life is still hard [he experienced a racist-fuelled breaking not long ago] but I have told him that I will stand by him as far as I can but there are just some things that I can't do. But Im not sure whether his apparent understanding is because there is relatively little pressure on the issue at the moment, and so if this is the case how will I deal with the situation when he has to go through another hearing?

Please tell me whether you think that my actions so far have been wise because your support through this has been undeniably useful!

Judith- my personal thought is that a reasonably intelligent, caring, understanding, mature man would not be pressuring a 16 year old girl to marry him.

A 21 year-old man about to be deported would.

Now is the time to tell him that you need more time, a chance to grow up and meet other people, and then in two or three years, if you are both still interested, meet back up.

I think the pressure is temporarily off only because the deportment pressure is off.

And I would *never* to his predominantly Muslim country to get married. I've heard too many negative stories about what can happen to foreign wives. I have dear friends in Los Angeles who all moved from Iran twenty years ago- they all agree. Once you are married, he can take away your passport, lock you in the house, etc.

Judith, Your comments worry me!! PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS!!
1st there is a reason that people at the age of 16 are just allowed to get their license, they are just mature enough to hadle the resposiblity of a car.

2nd Law of being 18 to be married (should be 22) Cause anyone younger is not emotionally or mentally stable enough to take on such a huge commitment!

Before I go to 3, I must tell the reasoning for number 3. I right now as I write have muslim friends, and I have personally dated two Muslim men. I know how they live, I know how the pray, I know how the cook their food, I know very much into detail about their customs and beliefs.

I Dated the first muslim, he was not a religious muslim but one thing with muslims they are tightly family knit. We dated for two and a half years. We were perfect for each other! I tried to get him to marry me, we talked about if we had kids, (by the way I am american born and raised) His exact words to this subject, was that if I got pregnant while we were dating that he would want me to get and abortion, I told him no I would not do it and he told me that if I chose to keep the baby that we would be through. Also that is family would be shamed!! That was just a dicusion, I loved him so much, and looked past that conversation and figured it would never happen anyway until "WE" were married. Although telling me also all along that he was not going to get married until he was at least 35. At the time I was 19-21, he was 27-30. So we were getting closer!
I moved back home a couple of states away to go to college, to avoid being distacted by him, and not pursuing college. Our plans were that I was going to graduate college and return back to him and we were to be married. Guess what, I moved home in the mid 20's of Sept, he broke up with me mid October, three weeks to the day the I had moved. Why I kept asking myself after all we had been through??

Then teased me for 5 months about getting back together. Never happened.
So I went looking for another, well not really looking, but I met another Muslim man he was very religious. It actually scared me cause I had never seen my 1st do the stuff my 2nd done, as far as praying, and the washing, and the way they chose their meat, and the real customs of a muslim.
We lasted two months, it was to odd for me.
I love them for who they are, and they are some of my dearest friends,
They were there for me when my own family was not, they accepted me when they did not have to!! I am very grateful to them for the way they treated me and continue to treat me. BUt I too recently, 5 years later found out some truths, which is bringing me into number 3...

3. there is a reason why we never got married and this was coming from my #1's best friend, he could not marry me because 1 I was not muslim and 2 if he did and I was not muslim his family would dissown him
Your man wants you to go to his[B]country to get married for a reason, because, once you are there and become muslim and marry him you will not have rights, not have your say. [B]NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE LIKE THISBut a lot of customs still hold true today for their cultural, example stoneing a woman for not submitting to the ways of the husband, this alone will cause her shame in a lot of the muslim territories. The reason for this example is cause, say for instance he gets you there and you marry, you want to leave the country and comeback home, but he refuses to let you and you start a big ruccuss, and you are shushed to keep qiuet, because you are out of line in your role as a muslim wife! AGAIN NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE LIKE THIS

Also If your parent would not have anything to do with these plannings, and you know that they would forbid you to do this, don't you think there is a reason for that!

I can tell from your writing that you REALLY don't want to go through with it, but you are scared about how he will react, "Am I going to hurt him?"" will he hate me? ", "I really care about him".

Sweety, you are only SIXTEEN, you are so young, another reason he is filling your head with getting married while you are so young is because in his cultural, because the poverty levels are so low and the parents want them out because they can barley support them, the average age for a girl to get married is ~BE PREPARED~ AN amazing 13 YEARS OLD
Girls this age barely have breast or Menstrual cycles yet!! Yet they are being married off to MEN in their teens to 50's and 60's!!

I understand you caring for him, but it is only a lust, that you are in, a puppy love, I am 25 years old now, IT WAS NOT THATLONG AGO that I was your same age thinking I was in love with some Bozo named TOM that I wasted 3 1/2 years for my teenage life on, my freshman year of high school to my senior year, Only coming to realized that, I was so "IN LOVE" with him that I grew up way to fast and only regret it now, cuse guess what I am not with him now.!

So Please be careful and stay young as long as you can, and if he is supposed to be a mature 21 year old, the last thing he needs to be doing is trying to pressure a 16 semi-mature girl into getting married!!

Also Judith if you do really care for him and care about yourself , be honest with him, about how you really feel,before it is to late... you can still be friends. I am with both of my exes and we get along fine.

Thank you so much for telling me your story asking4it! I truly appreciate your advice and I hold your experience it very high esteem!

Unfortunately my Boyfriend was deported about a week ago! I was absolutely devastated! We do still keep in touch over the phone whenever possible, but its difficult! About marriage I really believe that he understands wher Im coming from since I've taken your advice and simply told him straight that I am too young for that. I have however, agreed to visit him over there when I can afford the money and the time to do so! I think he still hopes that I'll change my mind, but there is definitely much less pressure than there was.

At least y'all are playing it safe. Things done in a desperate situation rarely work out, I think.

So congrats! It sounds like a smart outcome for now.

Take care!

Meee. :)

Thanks 31pumpkin! It does look like it worked out for the better in regards to the pressure over marriage.. for now at least. He's currently pursuing other ways of getting back to Britain, but I really do hope that he can come back soon.. I miss him terribly. But thanks again 31pumpkin for your support!

If you're not comfortable with the idea, then don't do it. Americans always have to be very careful when it comes to marrying non-Americans as you can never be sure whether they're just using you to get into the country. You wouldn't want him running off on you a month after being married. Now I'm sure that a lot of people will rip me apart for saying this but given the heightened sensitivity concerning immigrants lately, especially illegal ones, I feel that Americans should marry Americans, period. You'll be much more compatible with an American man then with an Asian Muslim man.

Well judith.. I'm a pakistani and I have read almost every detail on your problem and I have come up with some advises and some information. I must tell you that I also am trying to get immigration to america and I do a lot of thinking about getting setteled there and the only thing that rankles me is when I think about marriage. Well remember that doesn't matter how modern or seculer a muslim gets he cannot completely leave his culture, triditions and family. And I face the same problem.
When I think about getting being married there, the first thing that come to my mind is that the girl I marry should convert to islam, although islam does not require any jew or christian person to convert to islam before getting married to a muslim person, but stiill I want my life partner to be a muslim so my children can have a beeter understanding of my religion and culture.
The second thing that comes to my mind is that the sacrifices that that girl would made for me (converting to islam and live either with my family according to my culture or may have to mold some of her routines) would be nothing that I would had to offer her. I personally think that relationships are about sacrifices but they should be from both the sides.
Right now you are just 16 and trust me or not your not in the right position to decide such critical mattres. Its not that your are too young, but you haven't seen the world in a broad spectrum.
I must also tell you that there are many non-americans (majority of asians) who use american girls just for getting the immigration, an option that many people even suggested me but its something that I can never go for. So also look out for it.
Remember your safety comes first. People say life is short but it could get too long and difficult if you take it too lightly. My advice is just to give your relationship a little time and see wheather he can keep up with you or not.
And about asking4it's comment on average marriage age in muslim culture, I don't have any idea where did she got this info. Well the average age is between 19-20. She might be talking about some tribal areas where there is not education and no government hold. Well.. . this is something completely out of your interest but I just wanted to clear up and micconceptions.
Bye take care

Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when i turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thankyou!

Wow girl you are soooo young!!
My personal advice is don't do it.
As others said marrying for the purpose for him to stay in your country is NOT the answer. My hubby is english and I'm not, and before my country formed part of the EU it was difficult for me to travel and work in UK, although after all I did manage. And you know what my hubby always said to me. " he loves me soo much he would NOT even consider marrying for the pure reason to live in d same country, its not a reason to marry"
Where there's a will there's a way. And I have a sly feeling that he may be using you as bate, so he marries a british girl then is allowed to stay in england with no hassles.

And I would *never* to his predominantly Muslim country to get married. I've heard too many negative stories about what can happen to foreign wives. I have dear friends in Los Angeles who all moved from Iran twenty years ago- they all agree. Once you are married, he can take away your passport, lock you in the house, etc.[/QUOTE]

SO SO true.
Ive heard the same too and it also happened to a friend of mine who was muslim too, but was forced into marrying a muslim man she didn't love, he promised her everything until she became his wife... took her to libya where he told her he'd never take her... "Just going for a short business trup he said" he threw away her passport and believe it or not I haven't heard from her in 2 years..

Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when i turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thankyou!
Hi Judith... thank you for being so brave to even ask a question like this. You know, we never know who we are going to fall in love with. I am sure you both love aspects of one another, but frankly, whether you are 16, 18, 21... that age is very, very young to get married. I got married at 23 and was with this guy for years before we even got engaged. Because we had no set path on what we both wanted out of life, our relationship ended. Now just because my relationship ended doesn't mean yours would. But still, you are too young and inexperienced with many of lifes circumstances to make a decision like this one. Getting married is hardly the option. I disagree that you should do this. If he gets upset, well you have to explain that your life hasn't even begun. There's possibly college, getting your first real job, there's just your personal free time and exploration time you need to discover the world way, way before you get married. I got married because I felt I needed someone to guide me and take care of me. My whole identity was lost to a man because I was too afraid to take life on myself. BIG MISTAKE! To this day, I am still trying to latch on to someone to care for me. I'm much older than you and trust me the pain of being alone is there but I am just starting now to think about what I really want out of life. I have to choose for myself first and take care of what I want and need first before I can know what someone else wants. Give this time... see what happens and don't rush your life. Besides, love can fade. What if in 10yrs. (you'd be 26) you get bored and meet someone else and feel that spark, that connection... then what? It happens.

Truejew, before you answer a post, you really need to take a look at the date. The thread you picked up is a year old. I doubt she will see this.

Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when i turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thankyou!

Are you a muslim? If not you should really consider the role women play in that religion. Also, you risk the same deportation rules that apply to him if you are married. Are you prepared to leave the US and possibly go into a foreign country who may not be friendly toward outsiders (especially from the US) without the chance to return? Things to think about!

Ricky, when you post, it would behoove you to review what everyone before you has said, so that you don't repeat something that has been posted by someone else. It is always good to add additional advice to a post, above and beyond what has already been said. You also need to check the dates of the posts. This is over a year old. She won't see it.