It’s a bit hard to write this, because I feel embarrassed and ashamed at the same time. I’ve been in a steady relationship for nearly three years, and have been sexually active since the start. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I don’t know if I’m to blame but I still feel like I’m not climaxing and having an orgasm. I enjoy sex and I do have a lot of pleasure during sex. But the building up feeling, I get scared. I’ve tried to relax and enjoy it but, it feels like I’m never having an orgasm. I feel like I’m letting myself down and him down. Any advice would be helpful, thank you. Karen

"embarrassed" "ashamed" "I don't know if I'm to blame" "I get scared" "I'm letting myself down and him down"

All these speak to what the problem is...

Another one may be your age... does the 14 in your name stand for your age? If so, it is common for such a young girl not to climax. Mainly because you are too young (I know you will still continue regardless of what I say so I at least hope that you are being safe. 14 is pretty young to be having babies).

If age isn't the factor, look back at the words you used to describe how you are feeling. I assume these feelings come up every time you have sex. It is more than just a physical act. It is meant for two people who love each other. It is meant to share yourself with someone on a deeper level. This requires intense emotions, feelings, passion. The feelings you are feeling are killing these things.

I'm actually 19, I'll be 20 in 4months. We do have protection whilst we have sex, we're not ready to have children. It is emotional and enjoyable and it affects me deeply, because we when do make love I feel like we're meant to be. I worry if I'm doing it right, I worry at times if his ex was better at making him happy and I just get scared because I don't like to lose control. And I try to tell myself it's a good thing losing control in this situation but I still get scared. I have talked it over with my boyfriend and he's willing to help me try to relax and try other methods. But each time, I get scared.

Hi Karen, (that's my name too :),

I also lost my virginity to my now-husband and was worried about the same things. But the worst thing you can do is feel insecure, as it makes your partner worry about you and it turns out not to be pleasurable for either one of you. It is good that you have discussed this with your partner; this is the first step to help! What you have to remember when you are making love is just what you posted here "I feel like we're meant to be." As long as you remain calm and focus on that sentiment, and don't worry, your chances of orgasm will skyrocket! Don't think about his ex; you're his woman now, not her, and if he wanted to be with her he would be with her. But, instead, remember that he wants to be with you, and also seems to be supportive of you.

Quit trying to control, and just enjoy! Feel what sensations he is giving you and just go from there. I was very scared too, and also worried about whether I sucked or not, but as soon as I stopped worrying and started focusing on feeling pleasure, I was able to orgasm. It may take a while, especially if you just lost your virginity. But, all I can say is just be patient, keep trying, and stop worrying about all that stuff. I also tried pleasuring myself to find out what arouses me specifically, and then asked my partner to repeat these actions.

Sorry if this is so long, but the point is: stop worrying (and that includes losing control--sometimes losing control feels great, especially in the hands of someone you love!)! Don't be scared, your partner wants to be with you and experiment with you. Finally, try, try, and try again!

Hope this helps!