God what to say... what would you say to a guy who spends 40 minutes to an hour and half foreplaying his wife of a year now then last all the way to give her an orgasem taking about 30 to 40 other minutes unless she gives up on having an orgasem and asks me to 1st (happens very rarely.. she always goes first and I know she isn't faking because when she can't orgasem she just blurts it out and she always get really high after orgasming) then after that stay about 20 minutes after sex in bed with her holding her... now... what if I told you with all that she wants sex like twice or three times a month... 6 months ago we used to have it every single day sometimes twice a day... now its gone... and she would do none of the things she used to do for me... no BJ or HJ... not even regulare sex.

When I tried to talk to her about it she would get in a bad mood and say I disgust her because I want sex so much so I stopped trying to talk about it after three times of trying... isn't it normal to want to talk about it or for it to mean something in a relationship? I'm not asking for much... I do everything for this woman everything.. I work so hard mean while trying to finish my studies.. and all she is doing is painting all day and nagging me and making me feel bad the rest of it.

All I want is at least twice a week.. and trust me I have done everything... romantic talks.. role playing.. sex toys.. romantic dinners at the beach... spa treatments.. spoiling her.. being always with her even when she is in her worst mood swings I am there right by her side... (she has been getting a lot of mood swings recently.. and when ever I ask her what is wrong or what is bothering her she replies with nothing is wrong.. sometimes she would say I would never understand. Even though I always do listen and be very gentle as I can be).

I am just so tired of it... I start thinking of leaving her or cheating on her even though I realyyyy don't want to.. I love her so much.. but its killing me that I am holding this whole relation ship on my shoulders and I have so many stressors yet she is the one that's nagging and complaining and instead of going home to my loving wife.. to someone I can hold.. some one I can talk to... I get nothing but more heartach and pain.

What should I do.. what is going on? Any ideas? If you have any questions please ask and I will answer about this.

Thank you all so much and blv me it means so so much to me all of your opinions.

You don't mention your ages, so I will go out on a limb here and suggest that her idea of sex is that it is only for reproduction and it is dirty? Possibly got it from her mother? Don't really know. If she is older and maybe going through the change (menopause) this could be the problem. Women generally run on hormones more than men. If her hormones are messed up this could be a major problem. This is all JMHO.

So you say she's nagging, makes you feel like crap, and you seem to have some resentment about her "painting all day"... and she calls you digusting for wanting sex, is neglectful, and won't talk about it openly.

The symptom is a lack of sex, the issue is outside the bedroom. Unless you can both come to terms with what's going on, its just not going to last.

Lots of things can affect libido... I list them in posts like this almost daily. Depression, stress, hormone imbalance (as mentioned above), mental blocks, lack of exercise, poor self esteem, poor nutrition, poor sleep, smoking, drugs, meds, age, and on and on...

So... the "you wouldnt understand" comment means something... there is something going on here that she's not giving up. Did she experience sexual trauma in the past? Are there concerns about pregnancy?

In the end you need balance. Its fine to be a giving lover, but you can't do all the heavy lifting... you can't be a sexual butler.

Don't cheat. Just don't do it. Work on the marriage first. This means open communication. This can mean counseling... might sound like a pain, but talking with a counselor can really make things open up, if she's willing. If your marriage is strengthened by faith, seek help through your faith.

If she's not willing to talk or seek help with you, I just don't know how it can last. As mentioned, this isn't about sex... its about a lack of attention, a missing connection, a lack of respect and mutual giving.

Just don't cheat. I'm all for doing the hard work it takes to get through rough spots in a marriage... but if it comes to cheating, better to step away from the marriage than to do that to yourself and others.

I think I have a grasp of the problem... you have been married for a relatively short period to a woman you love, however your wife is trying to control the number of sexual encounters by being rude -"you disgust her...."-and generally being the recipient of all things good and giving but not giving anything much of herself.

I think you need the advice of a therapist about this situation... a couple of visits. She seems to have some resentments for something and you have to find out what it is. It may or may not be over sex. You may need a couple of visits as a couple with a therapist.

What is going on may be resolved or it may be a deal breaker.

Don't take on a lover until this current upset is understood by both of you and resolved in some way or another.

You don't want to spend you life with a controlling woman who does not understand that issues in a marriage have to be *NEGOTIATED*. :)

[Is she supporting you and therfore exerting power over you? ]

Listen,
Your problem is that you are being pushed over my your wife and what she wants you to do is become a MAN!! Read David D'Angelo and you will get what I am talking about. Women nowadays want a real MAN to keep them challenged and begging for more... (not mistreated but look at James Bond, is he running after the women or women after him?? ). Godwilling once you get this your marriage will become perfect... make sure u thank me by putting in a good word to the Man upstairs.

May peace be with you,

Z

I agree with Choux on this one. A counselor may be of great benefit. Go yourself first and see how things go. She may be hesitant to see a counselor but with informed conversation , you may be able to allow her to see that it will benefit your total relationship. I have seen many relationships go totally down the toilet because of sexual difficulties. There are probably issues that she isn't comfiortable sharing at this time with you. Try your best to work it all out. Don't "step out" without FULLY trying to get your communication levels back on track. Good Luck