PDA

View Full Version : He's still trying to be friends


SusanMD
Apr 24, 2008, 05:50 PM
Lost my password. Anyway, after 10 months we broke up. During spring break, we spent every night together (4 nights). The fifth night I told him my friend was in town. Since he had his daughter, I figured I would chat on the phone with my friend. At 7:00 p.m. I called and told him this. He said he was picking up his daughter, okay. At 9:30, he shows up at my house and said oh, here's the tickets for the museum. (I was going the next day) I was shocked he showed up. He said his daughter was in the car, bye.

I called him 10 minutes later to thank him and he said you looked like a different person, in a very hostile voice. I said I was just shocked to see him. Anyway, he hung up on me. Don't know why. I text him at 2:00 in the morning, after talking to my girlfriend all night. I told him I loved him, goodnight. The next morning he text me and asked if I had a good night with my friend and her boyfriend, insinuating something perverted. I got pissed. I text him back and said call me if you want, I don't want to text. I never even saw them that night.

Anyway, that day went to the museum with family. My friend left for Jamaica. He text me all day, "having fun yet?". I couldn't believe it. I was pissed. I didn't even respond. This was Thursday. He later that evening asked what my plans were. I told him I was working since I didn't work all day. From then on, I got nasty text messages, him making all kinds of accusations of inappropriate behavior on my part. I was so mad. For a week we were horrible towards each other, being mean to each other (by texts only). There was so much animosity. I thought, this isn't me. I felt like he was bringing something out of me that I never knew was in me. All the meanness.

Anyway, after a week of this, I called him and tried to talk about why was this happening. He told me I waited too long to call him and it was over. I said there was so much animosity, that communication was totally cut off. We need to work on this and figure out why this happened. He said it's too late, I should have called him that Thursday and talked to him. (I was mad and didn't want to.) I hung up and said forget it. For another week he text me and was still mean. I tried again to call him and tried to communicate, but he wouldn't. Finally, after 2 weeks, on Saturday, he was calmed down and called and said it can never go back to how it was, but we can be friends. He acted like nothing ever happened. He told me it was my fault for not trying harder to talk to him. He was back to the person I met when we were just friends. I'm dumbfounded. This is all confusing to me. He's been calling to say hi, like have casual conversation, like we're friends. (two minute conversations) No discussion of what happened.

I text him two days ago and told him I can't talk to him anymore, I need to get my head together and that I can't be friends with him either. He called all day yesterday. I finally answered. He told me I still care about you, it just can't be how it was, but he wants to be good friends. I told him I had to go and hung up. This guy, I think, is a sociopath. None of this makes sense.

We always had a good time together. There were a few times that he insinuated that I had been with other guys, but I dismissed them after telling him he was the only one for me, I never cheated on him. He would let it go and we'd be fine.

Does anyone find this behavior bizarre? Am I crazy? He blames it on me, that I messed everything up.

Scleros
Apr 24, 2008, 06:30 PM
Does anyone find this behavior bizarre?

As you wrote it, yes...

However, I'm also left with the impression that that isn't the whole story. The only angle I can envision is that he thought the two of you had a "date" for the last night and you blew him off last minute with a "friend's in town" story. Why did he have the museum tickets? Was he thinking the two of you were going? He obviously thinks you did something, but if he isn't willing to tell you what it is, and you've decided you can't talk to him, what's the problem? You tell him you can't be friends and both of you go your separate ways.

SusanMD
Apr 24, 2008, 07:08 PM
No, we didn't have plans. He was supposed to be with his daughter. I told him at 7:00 my friend was in town. I did not know her and her boyfriend would be here. He told me at 7:00 he was supposed to get his kid. He showed up at 9:30 and said he just picked her up. He knew I had plans the next day, but after, since my friend was in town, he thought I was hanging with her the next day or wasn't going to the museum with my family. I don't know what he thought. I had told him previously I was going to the museum.

Scleros
Apr 24, 2008, 07:22 PM
In that case, if he calls you again, tell him you cannot read his mind and to explain what the issue is and if he cannot or is unwilling to that he isn't to contact you again.

SusanMD
Apr 25, 2008, 04:28 AM
Thank you for the advice. I did in a way. I told (text) him I want no communication with him at all if he just wants to be friends. That was yesterday again. He called every two hours, but I will not respond. It hurts that he doesn't want me like before. It seems he calls me more when we're not doing so good. I want to get over this and move on, but with him calling me makes it hard.

Chery
Apr 25, 2008, 05:17 AM
Dear Susan.. Get your phone number changed, or a new mobile phone.

This guy is not right in the head. He wants total control of any given situation and, in my opinion, is a control freak. Your rejection is just a turn-on to him (a challenge he feels he needs to win) and he needs that control back.. so it is dangerous to continue with him. I seriously doubt that he will change even if you agreed to 'friendship' - as a matter of fact, it might make things worse for you as he will be closer to you.

Stand strong here, you've showed him that he is not in control of you and he needs to get over it. Just be careful though, as he might be looking for more ways to blame you for everything and work on ways to get back at you.

There are a lot of 'crazies' out there, sometimes we see it too late - at least you got away before this happened.

There is nothing wrong with you, so don't for a minute blame yourself.. just make sure you don't put yourself in a position of vulnerability near him for at least 6 months. And if he continues to try and contact you, there are authorities you can go to for help. Also make certain that family and friends are aware of the situation so that you have protections from the 'homefront'.

It's better to be safe than sorry.

Good luck, dear, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

talaniman
Apr 25, 2008, 07:17 AM
Does anyone find this behavior bizarre? Am I crazy? He blames it on me, that I messed everything up.
I am surprised his nutty side hasn't shown itself before now. Be glad that now you know, and don't have to deal with it ever, ever,ever, again.

HistorianChick
Apr 25, 2008, 07:18 AM
I agree with Chery...

Change your phone number, change your email, change everything that he has. Seriously. You're not going to be able to "get your head right" until you do. I've had to do it. Its inconvenient and a big hassle, but sweetie, its worth it.

Bottom line: Tell him not to contact you and mean it.

This must be said... If, after you point blank tell him "Do not contact me ever again" and he does contact you, you need to tell him what you're going to do... i.e. "Do not contact me ever again. If you do, I will be forced to file a report at the police station and take necessary action to ensure that you do not contact me." You can file a report and have it on record without taking out a warrant or taking police action. It will just be on record for the future. It will also protect you.

But, don't ever say something that you are not willing to do.

Normally, guys get the hint. You tell them you don't want to talk to them, they try for a bit, you don't respond, they get it. This guy has displayed that he is not like that. You need to protect yourself, hon.

HistorianChick
Apr 30, 2008, 05:35 AM
SusanMD agrees: The text messages are down to one a day. I don't respond. After, yesterday, telling him to leave me alone, he hasn't called. Just a text that I lost a good friend in him.

Oh yes... "the low blow"... been there. Been through that. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with that... it hurts. I know.

Keep being strong. :)

Chery
May 1, 2008, 04:17 AM
'good friend'??

Good friends don't continue to stress you out. Good friends leave you alone when you need space, and offer help when you need it.

You might feel a loss right now, but you gained more than you lost. You've gained an experience that you'll not forget, peace of mind, many more years of life (not all victims are that lucky) and the chance to find someone else stable enough to make you happy. This will take a while to sink in, but when it does, there is no telling what life has to offer you.

Good luck, dear.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

SusanMD
May 1, 2008, 07:00 PM
Today, 5/1, he called and left a very hateful message, says he has so much anomisity, Doesn't want anything to do with me. I haven't called or texted him. Why does he call just to try to argue or push my buttons? He just left a text message, 20 minutes ago, calling me all kinds of names. If he hates me so much, why is he calling and texting? Why not just leave me alone like I have done him. I have no desire to waste my time on telling him how he messed up. You all have the best advice and knowledge about these things. I feel if I don't respond or answer, he'll eventually give up. What do you think?

talaniman
May 1, 2008, 08:51 PM
That's the idea, and what you would expect a normal person to do. For your own protection, recognize he is not normal, and maybe dangerous, and you should be alert, and prepared to call in some help, like the cops, if this behavior continues. His texts are evidence.

HistorianChick
May 2, 2008, 05:46 AM
Today, 5/1, he called and left a very hateful message, says he has so much anomisity, Doesn't want anything to do with me. I haven't called or texted him. Why does he call just to try to argue or push my buttons? He just left a text message, 20 minutes ago, calling me all kinds of names. If he hates me so much, why is he calling and texting? Why not just leave me alone like I have done him. I have no desire to waste my time on telling him how he messed up. You all have the best advice and knowledge about these things. I feel if I don't respond or answer, he'll eventually give up. What do you think?

Sweetie, Go to the police. You don't have to take out a warrant or anything... just go. Talk to an officer. They will make a report and that will be it. Its what I did after the messages started getting mean and caustic. Seriously... you need to do this to get your mindset back that you are in control, that you made the right decision, that you have the power to resist.

Seriously. Go. They won't have you do anything that you don't want to do (i.e. make an official request for a warrant). But it will be on record.

He will not give up until you give him reason to give up. At least that's what happened for me.

Sad Soul
May 2, 2008, 06:48 AM
His texts will get far worse because he wants to provoke a response from you. He's desperate for you to communicate to him, even if it means for him to be cruel or monstrous. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE HIM HIS FIX, aka do not message him or call him.

Do not contact him. Crazy creeps love attention from their victims, whether it's good or bad. He's just desperate to get a text, because even "hate" means you have some sort of feeling for him. To "hate" someone actually gives that person a lot of control over your brain and world.

Be alert. Don't ever meet up with him (even if he says he's on his death bed). I suspect he will be getting crazier. Someone who leaves crazy texts without minding the trail of harassment evidence he leaves behind, is sick in the head. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but doesn't care. He's a sociopath, like you said. Stay away and continue being as cautious as you are.

Chery
May 17, 2008, 07:57 AM
Hey there Susan. It's been a while since we've heard from you.

How are you doing? Is this guy leaving you alone? Please give us a follow-up as soon as you can, dear.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)