My husband & I have been married one year. So far, we've managed to work through minor issues and be happy (hence, it has only been one year). My problem is that I feel he does not feel I am worth much. This may be long, but I would like to give a background to help you understand what I'm trying to say..
We dated for 3 years, and lived apart for the last 2 (I moved away for graduate school). After we were married, he moved in with me. He lived about 1000 miles away, and I was under the impression that I was moving out there. Well, about a month or so before our wedding, he tells me he decided he would move here instead (as if it was only his decision to make). I was fine with that, because I honestly did not want to leave my life here.
Before our marriage, we fought constantly about one particular thing: his relationship with family members of his who straight out disrespected me many times. I'm not going to lie, I have retaliated (in the most immature way--via MySpace) and kept the issue alive. That was years ago, and I since have realized how stupid I was for enabling his cousin's behavior. That all started because his cousin's fiancé, whom cannot stand me, decided she wanted to start a war (via MySpace of course, classy huh?) with me because I intimidated her in some way/shape/form. Whatever the deal, she started with her crap talking. Everything was picked on, from my weight, to how I dress, to the notion that I will never be accepted into his family. I did make stupid side comments in retaliation, but for the most part, I had no choice but to deal with it and ignore as much as I could. The problem started when my husband's cousin got involved. He would email me, saying the most outlandish things to say to a girl, let alone your cousin's future wife. My then fiancé told me he spoke with him and he apologized (to him) and solved the problem. He claims his cousin "wanted" to apologize, yet I still haven't gotten that apology. When his cousin married his fiancé, I did not go to the wedding. I wasn't invited, so why go? My fiancé did, however. He not only went, but told me he "had to" because of other family obligations. I let it go. Then before our wedding, I specifically told him I DID NOT want his cousin, or his wife, at our wedding. I had enough respect for her to not show up, because at the end of the day, it is her wedding day--and I had no business being there.
Well, my husband decided to invite them anyway. And considering their level of class, not only did they show up, but also decided to be a part of all the festivities. His wife wore more elaborate jewelry than me, got her hair/make-up done, and actually wore her entire reception jewelry to MY wedding--for the sole reason of outshining me. The one thing she proved was how much of an idiot she is, because anyone who was there mentioned, "Why is that girl dressed up more than the bride?" Needless to say, I was livid that they were there. It was my big day, a day a girl only has once (at least that's what we're told). After the ceremony, we went back to my now husband's house for more family functions, before we trotted off to get ready for our reception. His cousin was there, walked right by me, and does not say a word. Not even a "congratulations" or anything. We get to the reception, and he jumps in front of everyone when it came time to making speeches (the funnies part? He didn't even ASK my husband to make a speech at his wedding). He made a lame speech--directed more toward him since he's more attention hungry than Britney. By the end of the night, there was a huge fight. Between the cousin and some other people. We kicked him out, but the foundation was laid. My husband & I fought INSIDE THE RECEPTION HALL and I ended up crying myself to sleep, on my wedding night. I don't think I have yet forgiven him about it, to be honest.
I had one request--to not invite them. My husband did not care about that. He did so anyway (as he claims it would've caused a major stir in his family had he not invited them). So, that proves his loyalty to his family is more important that than ensuring his wife has a decent wedding day. I recently went through his phone records (there was a trust issue from before, that I have tried very hard to get over), and I saw that he was communicating with his cousin almost every day. There was no gap, meaning there was no "confrontation" from my husband when his cousin had insulted me MANY times. I had been told otherwise--my husband said that he had cut him off, and that he was bothered by what was said to me.. Honestly, I don't believe that for a second. He had no intention of even talking to the guy about it, and knowing that makes me lose respect in him. The day after our wedding, we went out to coffee with his female cousins, and one of them was upset that he was moving (and did not tell his family yet, I had no idea they did not know), and she literally told me, “We are not your friends.. You have to prove yourself…” Are you kidding me? She went on about how she was bothered that I came in and took him away. The guy is 27 years old. Later she displayed pretty disturbing behavior toward him one night, while she was supposedly drunk. It was weird and I didn’t like it. But what could I say, she is his cousin! One time, she got out of line, and my husband did actually have it out with her (surprisingly), and she apologized…a month later… via email. But whatever, no point in holding a grudge if the girl made an attempt (lame, but still counts). I later saw on her MySpace (I know, I know, I have since deleted my account & refuse to be on any “networking” sites in hopes of not pissing anyone off) that she had a picture where she’s standing with my husband, holding his hand, at a wedding. I thought it was a bit odd, but again, they are close—it’s no biggie. Well, I brought it up to him once and he got all weirded out and accused me of being childish because it’s his cousin. I did feel pretty stupid for it, so I let it go. But I notice every time I mention her name, he diverts the conversation. So I don’t talk about it.
We haven’t had an issue with any of them in quite a bit, because we live away, never see them. So I don’t bring it up. But it’s the little lies that bother the hell out of me. He lies about talking to them, if he wants to, why not man up and tell me? We can work it out. He doesn’t do that. He hides. He avoided the whole fight with his cousin, invited him to our wedding, and instead RUINED my wedding night. He lied about his eery relationship with his cousin, which still creeps me out. He lies about bills, about his past (I have NO CLUE about his real past), about money (he’s very sneaky about it)..
I have never said this out loud, but I honestly do not know why I got married. I’m 28 years old (he’s a few months younger), have my whole life ahead of me, why did I jump the gun and get married? I know these are things you should think about, and at the time I just didn’t. He never proposed, maintained a healthy relationship with his cousin after his cousin not only insulted me (but my husband as well), invited them to my wedding, did not even get me flowers on my birthday (forget a present), and our anniversary? Nothing special, after all it was only our first..
I keep asking myself what happened to my standards? I have been in previous relationships, and have been treated very well. I had expectations (and I was interested in guys who had expectations as well).. At some point, I let this guy know it was OK to just let things slide. I’m still very upset about the wedding, still bummed about his lack of respect for me (not to mention pride). I’m hurt about my birthday, and completely let down about the anniversary.. They say the first years of marriage are supposed to be the best? After one, I feel like checking out.. And I feel horrible for feeling this way, I do not want to bail on this commitment, but I also know he has no regard for me. And I’m so mad, so mad at myself for going through with the marriage. I did not realize at the time, that I was caught up in the game of getting him, then the hype of the wedding. When we’re “married” and I see clearly, I just feel like it was a bad choice on my part. I’m an extremely loving and dedicated wife. I will do anything to make it work, but at this point, I’m not even sure if I’m interested. I miss my life before him.

Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues. I personally am against divorce except in the case of adultery or abuse. Maybe you need to get some counselling to help you understand your feelings.

One thing that comes up is whether you are communicating as a couple: is there a marriage? I believe counseling is a key; go on your own, and invite him at some point to join you. If he refuses, he will be indicating his commitment going forward.

Dear Living and learning,

Please take a moment and red through the Epistle you created above.

Tell me if you see any childish behavior on your part. You are an adult, not a petulant infant gnawing on a plastic ring until you get your teeth cut in.

Do not make your battle with his cousin and his wife consume and destroy you. It's a fruitless waste of time on your behalf.

When my wife and I were first married, I became part of her family, which meant that one Sunday a month we went to "Aunt Mary's" home for a family dinner. I sincerely mean Family here. My lady's mother's side of the family was old world Italian. Dinner meant loud noisy people, some could not speak English. Others were at war with each other. Who was bossing who and she was right on and on ad nauseum.

Being the Irishman in a house full of Italians, plus being a kid from the Bronx, I was occasionally the brunt of jokes and other stuff.

When I told my lady that I would prefer not to go any more, I was told tough luck. Aunt Mary was family and family had this tradition. To not go was to insult her Aunt. Therefore, we went.

You don't have like all the member's of your husband's family. You do have to be polite, just by the rules of common courtesy. It does not appear that any one is forcing you to like the cousin and wife, so stay out of MySpace, whatever that is, and let her rant and rave. You do not have to raise to the bait and spend you days aggravated. Let her do that.

Well, the first year is often difficult when both sides are trying to do the right thing.

In this case, its no surprise that its so bad, with both sides making awful decisions and mistakes.

I'm all for saying do the hard work it takes to honor your vows. I also believe there are times when people should get out. Can't make that choice for you.

Half of your comments about his family are moot. You married him and the family that comes with it. Doesn't mean you get to be treated poorly, but it doesn't mean you marry and assume he leaves, ignores, and disrespects the people who have been there his whole life. They might be jerk, but they are his jerks, and it was naïve at best to assume you can demand he brush family aside.

And I'm not calling him a prince by any terms... neglecting you in the ways you mentioned wouldn't be tolerated by my wife.

So time for talking or walking. If you can't talk to him, and likely see a couples counselor, I don't see how you can muscle you way through this... you don't sound like you want to, and you cannot do all the heavy lifting in a marriage.

And at some point, if you stay, you accept him and his family for what it is, imperfect as it is. You don't get to stay and be a victim. You also don't get to leave and not bear a lot of responsibility for this bad situation.

Wish I had a better response for you. Open communication is what it'll take. If you have grounding in faith, that too can help you turn corners, but its going to have to come from both partners, actively and intentionally trying to be on the same page, or at least the same planet.

Sounds like you are not his priority. I've been with this kind of man and you will not be able to change him! If you can not stand his BS, get divorced before kids are in the mix. Make YOURSELF happy!

You need to express your concerns honestly to him, and work on this together. No way you can change the people in his life, but you can change his treatment of you by him. Couples counseling can help guide you through this process. The key is learning to work together, to resolve your issues, for the benefit of both. His behavior is bad, but really so is yours. Sorry.

I do agree that if you can't make yourself happy and make him happy within reason... its either not going to last, or its going to get only more miserable.

I say give a person a chance to do the right thing... meaning tell them exactly what's up... no pretense, no games. If, after telling them what is going on, the response isn't good... then you know the reality.