I have been married for almost 9 months and both my husband and I waited for marriage for sex. I have still not been able to orgasm. I feel like maybe I don't have the patience in bed to make it happen? Or maybe just both of us being inexperienced? I don't know... regardless my lack of drive is taking its toll on our marriage and we are both frustrated with the situation in our own ways. I stuggle with the intensity of clitoral stimulation with fingers... Its lame I know! I just end up lauging at my own reaction to it and moving on. Also, oral sex doesn't really seem to do anything for me. I recently came off an anti-depressant about 2 or 3 weeks ago that my Dr. said may be affecting me. Any ideas or suggestions? Oh... and I know I'm kind of a prude... but masturbation is out :)

It is hard for a lot of women to orgasm. But really the only way to get closer to the big O is to learn what it takes for your body to get there. I know you say masturbation is out, but it really may help. Do you have/Have you tried a vibrator? You just need to take some time and figure out what you like, and what might do it for you.

Almost every sentence you wrote contains a potential reason for struggling with reaching orgasm.

You are somewhat inexperienced concerning sex
You state you might be impatient
Your sex drive is low now
You are frustrated
Direct cl!toral stim seems too intense
You've been on meds
You claim you are a prude, so you have inhibitions
You won't masturbate

Any one of these might hurt a woman's chances. Taken together, its not hard to believe you are having problems.

I'm not saying you are wrong... some of these are situational, such as being inexperienced... some are your own doing, such as refusal to self stimulate.

You need to be more patient, understand your body better, be willing to fail and enjoy making love for what it is and what it can be (not that I'm minimizing the release you'll have with an orgasm), and give it time.

The meds alone could hurt this. The mental frustration causes a cycle where failure to hit the big O causes more frustration and more difficulty.

If I know anything about pleasing my partner, its due to patience, open communication, and education.

That you won't self stim is disappointing. Until you know your own body, you cannot expect your partner to understand it. While most men can hit orgasm through some version of "push, pull, repeat"... its just hasn't been my experience that women can be grouped all together into one "do this, then this" category. Sure, cl!toral stim is often a key player, but some like more pressure, some softer, some feel "g spot" stimulation, some don't, and there are a number of other errogenous zones that a woman may or may not respond to... meaning each woman needs to find her own zones... not to mention that the potentially most important errogenous zone is the mind. I can do all the "right" things that my partner likes and desires... if her mind cannot be lost in the moment, nothing may work.

I posted once about what things id do to ensure my partner hits orgasm in this thread.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/cant-orgasm-while-having-sex-bf-186346.html#post906239

Now, understand this is what works for my partner... and there are a lot of details left out... I know how she wants to be kissed and touched... but the part about getting her body relaxed and in the moment... not just wanting sex, but being ready for it, sensitized to it... took a long time for me to understand. Traditional "foreplay" (kissing, petting, necking) in my opinion just doesn't do the job alone. There can be mental issues at play too.

Buy and read "she comes first" (amazon.com, barnes and noble, etc)... a good book about oral stim and overall how the female body responds to stimulation. Its not a dirty book. Its not a disgusting read. Oral done "poorly" to what your needs are can do nothing. Done well, in touch with what you might like, can be great alone or as a precursor to intercourse.

Also, look for books on massage or sensual touch. Not hard to find these, and his taking a little time to sensitize your skin can make a difference.

Also positions can make a difference. You on top puts more pressure where you need it without being too much, most likely. My partner cannot hit orgasm in the missionary position. Not with me. Not anyone before me. It just isn't the right position and stimulation for her. On top, with a "rowing" motion, forward and back, is much better for her, or other side positions where she may need to self stim during intercourse... these can all work for her while missionary doesn't.

So.. you need to be patient, you need to educate, you need to talk, and you need to believe it can happen. It takes work sometimes. The great news is once you get a "win" your body responds by "believing" it can happen again, and your body begins to anticipate that imprinted path... meaning your body will have heightened sensitivity, "knowing" that the path he's taking to pleasure you and where it leads. Instead of frustration begetting more frustration, positive anticipation will further allow you to let go and lose yourself, which again heightens your experience.

you are somewhat inexperienced concerning sex
You state you might be impatient
Your sex drive is low now
You are frustrated
Direct cl!toral stim seems too intense
You've been on meds
You claim you are a prude, so you have inhibitions
You won't masturbate

If your not willing to experiment, explore, and try new things, how will you ever learn about yourself, and your partner? Keep an open mind, and learn together.

Excellent as usual, kp.

H, talaniman is right. In addition, an individual can't suppress her sexuality and then expect to just magically be orgasmic after a wedding ceremony. You have to turn on your mind intentionally and often so you can make a breakthrough. I would suggest you read erotic literature and experience a storyline that turns you on. If you are intent on having sex the way someone has told you that sex is *SUPPOSED* to be, I don't see how you can be successful, happy, fulfilled and orgasmic. That is one reason why religion is mostly a pleasure killer for women... each woman is marvelously different and unique... no less in her sexuality and what makes her hot and orgasmic.

Sex is pleasure and you have a new husband that will be more than willing to explore all areas of sexuality... what could be better? Perhaps, it would be a good idea for you to go to a sex therapist as a couple and get some exercises and counselling to help you with your inhibitions. It would be well worth it! :)

Heath123,

Firstly Kudos on waiting till marriage before sex, it's hard waiting! I wanted to wait but it didn't seem to work out and the guilt krept in and now I told my boyfriend I want to wait again until we get married.. very difficult!


Please, please don't let this strain your marriage.. Sex is soposed to be enjoyed and be shared with that loved one and putting pressure on yourself to orgasm will only make things worse.. go with the flow and tell your husband that your working on your issues and ask him to be patient.. tell him that if you don't orgasm that it has nothing to do with him..

You do have the rest of your life to get this right, so enjoy your own learning curve.

I recently came off an anti-depressant about 2 or 3 weeks ago that my Dr. said may be affecting me. Any ideas or suggestions? Oh... and I know I'm kind of a prude... but masturbation is out


You just answered your own question-with two possible situations.

1. Anti-depressants may influence your sexual response negatively or positively-for you, perhaps negatively.

2. if you can't climax without masturbation,because you are too embarrassed/giggly/sensitive/prudish, then how do you learn to feel what excites you and therefore what will provide you with an orgasm??

3. I'd say that the mere fact that you feel "prudish" about masturbating-points to the way you feel about-sexuality, loosen-up, and it will "happen".

You can follow the advise given, above. Or you can spend the rest of your life watching your husband have orgasms while you don't. Some wives do figure it out after several years, some never orgasm. Prude has a high price. If you are able to have even one orgasm, you'll know exactly what I mean.

Thanks for all your advice and support!

I am a passion party consultant. Many woman have advised me of the same issue. Now us women have the power of constant and multiple orgasms a day. The one problem is receiving an orgasm is slightly tricky. Men don't have a vagina so can't really understand the systematics of the vagina. There are many tricks and tips to help you. . Vibrators are a very big thing. Now I was hesitant at first but it honestly opened up a whole new world for me, without affecting my intimate relationship with my 9 year husband. Don't expect him to be to happy at first, but they eventually forget. There are vibrators you and your husband can use during sex (The Progressor II) . It is placed at the base of the penis and has a vibrating bump to provided clitoral stimulation while you are having sex with your husband. There is also Pure Satisfaction® UniSEX Enhancement Gel. It creates a very sensatising refresh feeling on your clitoris (I highly recommend) to assist you in receiving an orgasm easier. Overall there are many new advances in the world to help you physically and keeping your emotional intimacy active.

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