Hello everyone, I am curious what you think about this situation. I hope that you can provide me some insight, as I am nervous about where things are going. Please help me.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now, and things went very well until the past few months. We had a short break up that lasted a week, granted it was almost completely my fault, but her fault for not communicating her problems with the relationship earlier on, which she admitted. After no contact for a few days we got together and we talked about things, and we got back together. I said the only way I would get back together with her is if she promised that we could communicate and that this sort of thing would not happen again. She agreed.

Things went well for awhile, but we have a problem again. Lately, she thinks that I want to see her a bit too much and that she isn't able to spend time with friends who want to hang out with her. She is more independent. She says that she still loves me, but she don't know if she will forever because she doesn't like how I am judgemental of certain individuals including some of her friends with a shady past. (I hate drugs and people who use them, and some of them do.) I call them scum bags, slimey, etc. She takes offense to this and I understand.

Also, she gives rides to this guy that doesn't have a car to his job and home a lot. This guy has a girlfriend who is pregnant, I know that it is nothing like that. She isn't even attracted to him. She just likes helping people out. My problem? He always calls on OUR time. She said that I am being unreasonable because it only takes a half hour to pick him up and that I can come along and ride in the car, so its not like we are apart or anything. While this is true, I just hate dropping things for some guy that can't find anyone else to give him a ride.

When we first got together, I had been reading some materials that listed the qualities women wanted. I told her that we couldn't center our lives around each other, that I love an independent woman, that I wanted her to have her own life. I said that I didn't care if she hung out with other guys and that I am secure with that, but if there is any cheating that I cannot forgive it. She loved that I was like this, and I think its why she fell for me so hard initially. Fast forward a year later, and I have become insecure and completely incongruent with my original self. We don't talk as much but she still loves me.

What I'm asking you guys, is what can I do, how can I show her that I am going back to my old self, so that I don't lose her? I think that it is good that I am realizing this NOW before it is too late and I get myself dumped. Please, anything would help. It's not too late to fix this. How can I get her thinking/missing me again like she did?

Read this carefully. Over and over. Ok? Why does she get to determine your behavior? What makes her so grant and mighty? Why is she having all the power? The answer is this. Girls test guys to see how they react. The longer a man and woman have been together the more "tests" the girl tries. The key is reacting in an alpha male manner. She picks up that bum with no car because she either likes him or wants to piss you off and see how you react. Would you ditch her to pick up a girl with no car? The solution is this. IF YOU DO THIS, you will earn RESPECT. READ it over and over. When she goes to pick up that slob with no car, you GO DO YOUR OWN THING FOR THE REST of the day/night WITHOUT rubbing it in her face!! Don't answer your phone or anything. If you do that over and over, she will stop seeing him guaranteed. You have to train a woman a little to keep her for life. By the way, druggies are scumbags. She sounds a little bit like a hippy. Oh well. She is making a choice: HIM over YOU. It should not be tolerated! GET angry and get focused. Its hard, but you don't want to lose her do you?

At least you mentioned that you and your girlfriend have talked things out and are able to communicate. That's good sign already. I'll try to go in order of how you mentioned the problems.
Firstly, I know a lot of people that have had the friends vs. relationship problem. The best thing I can say about that is that it IS true that some time apart is healthy. She needs time to see the other people she cares about, and besides maybe a few days away from you will make her see that she misses you like crazy so when you hang out again it will be a happier experience. So basically just try to keep it equal between you and friends for her. If she's already made plans just say OK and ask when the next time you and her will see each other will be, and vice versa for you if you already have plans.

If she thinks you're judgmental about the druggies then just don't talk about them around her. Just say that you don't approve of their actions and leave it at that. If it bothers her that you say things about them around her don't say things about them while you're around her. She should appreciate that and as long as you both can be content with different opinions about those kinds of people than that should be that

As for the dude that keeps asking for a ride... I'm not sure if there is any particular reason he keeps asking your girlfriend. Have they been friends for a while, or does she owe him for something? It's clearly not anything going on between them because from what you've said your girl inst stupid enough to go for that, and this dude's already screwed his life up enough so I doubt he'd try to ruin it more by going after your girlfriend. I'd say if you and her have already made plans make sure she knows to tell him to find another ride. He can't be dependent on one person alone. If he really needs a ride some days than let her, but I agree that you can't accept that she's always the one he comes to to ask. Let her know that if she plans to be with you a day... then she should be with you

I hope that helps or at least gives you an idea to tweak into something that will help. Just don't let it go if you love her. Work on it :)

Read this carefully. Over and over. Ok? Why does she get to determine your behavior? What makes her so grant and mighty? Why is she having all the power? The answer is this. Girls test guys to see how they react. The longer a man and woman have been together the more "tests" the girl tries. The key is reacting in an alpha male manner. She picks up that bum with no car because she either likes him or wants to piss you off and see how you react. Would you ditch her to pick up a girl with no car? The solution is this. IF YOU DO THIS, you will earn RESPECT. READ it over and over. When she goes to pick up that slob with no car, you GO DO YOUR OWN THING FOR THE REST of the day/night WITHOUT rubbing it in her face!!!! Dont' answer your phone or anything. If you do that over and over, she will stop seeing him guaranteed. You have to train a woman a little to keep her for life. By the way, druggies are scumbags. She sounds a little bit like a hippy. Oh well. She is making a choice: HIM over YOU. It should not be tolerated!. GET angry and get focused. Its hard, but you don't want to lose her do you?

I don't want to lose her. I don't think this should be tolerated on OUR time that is supposed to be JUST ME AND HER. If we have to give him a ride when she is with me at my house, how do I say no? She will just go and do it anyway. Im worried if I tell her to just leave and do it, and not come back or whatever you are suggesting she is going to think I'm really cold and be turned off.

Balance and flexibility, come to mind. Less negative, and more positive, as far as actions go, as she knows how you feel about some of her friends, so why harp on it over and over. She gives a guy a ride when he needs it, go with her, and buy her an ice cream cone. Be creative and opportunistic. Show the love, when you can, and squash the negative.

First of all you need to be honest with yourself of just how much you can deal with her independence. Then unless you want to let her be independent beyond what you can handle you need to make a list of compromises but then you might lose her.
If I were you I would start by telling her that you are okay with her driving him to and from work but that if he wants other rides they need to be pre arranged. Like if he wants to go shopping he can go when she is going anyway or they can pick a day they both do their shopping on. (I hate it when I get back from the store and then somebody wants to go --double trip!) Then if a ride was not pre arranged then too bad. I know how you have to feel when you think you have time alone together and then she HAS to jump and run so somebody can buy a pack of cigarettes or whatever. She should not cut into your time together.

It doesn't make any sense to piss your boyfriend off for a bum without a car. No sense at all. He shouldn't sit around and wait while she is serving as this guy's limo driver. Go out with your bros.

She said if this happened to any of my friends and I had to that she wouldn't be bothered.

The thing is that you are leaving the door wide open to her taking you for granted.
What if you did start running all over with your friends?
You are running your friends when she wants alone together time and she is running her friends when you want alone together time and it snowballs into a distant relationship emotionally. I can understand you respecting her independence to a degree but she needs to compromise. The compromise at the very least should be together time not interrupted. And her friends needs pre arranged no last minute stuff unless you are okay with it at the time.

Also I have known many guys that have told me they would be okay with me doing something they were doing but when the moment of truth arrived they were not okay.
She thinks it would be okay with her if you did it because SHE is doing it but you try driving a friend girl around and I bet the okay with doesn't last all that long.

It sounds to me like you cannot handle her Independence. There is noting wrong with either of you but you two are just not on the same page. You both want different things in a relationship.
You may not get things back because you are now at a stage where you two are realizing you may not be a match. That is what the dating process is for. You feel each other out and see if you may have a future, if you are right for each other.
Hate to say it, but you two may not be a match.

Pick your battles carefully, and talk and listen to each other, as the whole point in a relationship is to be free to express yourself, and compromise sometimes. This is an ongoing process, not a one shot deal. The point is to keep working at this together. So today your mad, tomorrow she may be, you deal with it, and solve your issues together. Don't ever be jealous, or insecure, either as those emotions destroy reason, and positive action and magnify small things into big mountains. Your lady is independent, so don't be intimidated. Just express yourself honestly, and take one day at a time.

What do you guys think would be a good way to tell her that I don't appreciate her giving him rides on our time? I think it may be a little too far to tell her I don't want to be with her because of this.

Tell her you need to work out an agreement because you want some consistency and some consideration. That you do not want to be second fiddle making you feel like you aren't as important as her friends. Assure her you are okay with her independence but you like to know you can count on your time together.

I thought you did already?

Yeah I know what you mean I told her that I feel like I'm her lowest priority and she says it isn't true. Meh, I may have to get tough with her real soon if she doesn't start respecting me more. She justifies her actions by thinking that giving this kid a ride home since supposedly "nobody else" has a car that he knows and his aunt/uncle are mean to him and won't give him rides makes it the right thing to do, since he is her friend or else he would have to walk. While I understand that, maybe he shouldn't have a damn job if he can't get there and back, which I said but she didn't really know what to say to that.

She thinks that she has to be a good person and always help people, and that if I don't agree that helping him when he is in need all the time that I am negative etc.

One of the reasons I say to pick your battles carefully is that making a big issue out of a small one, causes conflicts. She obviously feels different, and as you said he has a pregnant g/f, so she does what she can. Some things we accept in our partners. If you can't, then its your issue to deal with it, and how you cope is a defining part of what a relationship is about. Honestly I don't think she will change her mind about it. As I have said before don't rehash it. I wouldn't. I don't know of any one whose partner does what they want all the time. If that's your only issue, your lucky.

High Max,

While reading all these posts I come to the conclusion that workedtohard stated in his first email and I'm sorry to say you are failing. She is testing you. From the outside looking in, it's perfectly obvious. You don't see it, because your blind by love and I don't think you realize how women act. You see things logically, but women see things emotionally. One of the ways they test your emotions is to create situations they know you don't like to see what your reaction will be to a situation. A woman wants the strongest man in the pack, and they judge strength by how you react to them. She does this and then makes excuses to get a response from you. You can not demand respect by forcing it on her. You must demostrate it by your actions. If she tells you to do something you don't like you must stand up for yourself. If she continues to do it, you must tell her that you won't tolerate it and you will leave. Then you must follow through if she pushes you.

High Max,

While reading all these posts I come to the conclusion that workedtohard stated in his first email and I'm sorry to say you are failing. She is testing you. From the outside looking in, it's perfectly obvious. You don't see it, because your blind by love and I don't think you realize how women act. You see things logically, but women see things emotionally. One of the ways they test your emotions is to create situations they know you don't like to see what your reaction will be to a situation. A woman wants the strongest man in the pack, and they judge strength by how you react to them. She does this and then makes excuses to get a response from you. You can not demand respect by forcing it on her. You must demostrate it by your actions. If she tells you to do something you don't like you must stand up for yourself. If she continues to do it, you must tell her that you won't tolerate it and you will leave. Then you must follow through if she pushes you.
While this may be true for some women, it certainly isn't true for all of us and unless you know this is what she is doing, I would not advise it.
You're dating her, you don't tell her what you won't tolerate just because she sees no problem with giving a kid a ride to and from work.
As talaniman says, choose your battles wisely, don't go off half cocked over something like this. If this is the only thing she does, I say get over it.

I still say you guys are just not on the same page. Her choice of friends are not suitable to you and she has a problem with how you feel about them, you want to spend more time with her than she wants with you. She does not see a future with you because she feels you're too judgemental.
You dated for a year had a break up and now things are rocky again.
I'm thinking this is not a match.
JMHO

I absolutely agree with the last poster. Although I know that some women play games, this does not mean that ALL women play games. Men have the ability to play games as well. I mean, what do you guys think you are doing when you don't call a girl for 3 or so days after a date, even if you really want to. I think it is absolute hogwash that you must strut around like a proud peacock, demanding that you get respect. You get respect when you give it.

Now, with that said, I do believe that you are being taken advantage of. It is a matter of setting boundaries. Calmly talk to her about how this makes you FEEL, not that you won't tolerate it. You have a right to let her that this bothers you, but do it in a manner that will not result in a knee jerk response from her or from you. If you place any demands on anyone in an ultimatum kind of way, human nature will take over and the person becomes defensive and takes on the mode, "No one is going to tell ME what to do!!" Then nothing gets resolved and the relationship ends. As my boyfriend constantly reminds me, you can get more bees with honey.

While this may be true for some women, it certainly isn't true for all of us

Name one woman who does not test men.


and unless you know this is what she is doing, I would not advise it.

That is exactly what she's doing.


You're dating her, you don't tell her what you won't tolerate just because she sees no problem with giving a kid a ride to and from work.

He is dating her so he can tell her what he will tolerate. If he does nothing... which is what he's doing he's going to let her walk all over him... which is what is happening. This has nothing to do with giving someone a ride, this is about her pushing his buttons to see if he will stand up for himself.


As talaniman says, choose your battles wisely, don't go off half cocked over something like this. If this is the only thing she does, I say get over it.

I also say get over it. I explained in my first post that he either put his foot down and be prepared to leave and then back it up. His problem is, by his own admission he's afraid to confront her because she might be upset. She knows this and as a result she pushes him and he doesn't push back.

It doesn't make any sense to piss your boyfriend off for a bum without a car. No sense at all. He shouldn't sit around and wait while she is serving as this guy's limo driver. Go out with your bros.

This is a quote of what I’m talking about. He says it doesn’t make any sense to piss off your boyfriend, and I’m saying it makes perfect sense because he thinks she would do whatever he likes for the good of the relationship because that is what he would do. He is thinking logically. She on the other hand, knows this upsets him, and in turn continues to do it. Now he could either quit complaining about it, or put his foot down. Instead he has choose to complain and do nothing. Not exactly what a woman is looking for in a guy.


Yeah I know what you mean I told her that I feel like im her lowest priority and she says it isnt true.

Complain and whine. Instead, if you feel like you’re a low priority you need to pull back and let her notice you aren’t going to waste your time. Your time is valuable and you need to let her know it by letting doing something else when she can’t commit to you on your time.


Meh, I may have to get tough with her real soon if she doesnt start respecting me more.

Again, he has no clue. He thinks by getting tough he owns her. What I’m saying is he either choose one or the other. You don’t get tough by demanding she do something on your terms. You demonstrate that you will not tolerate her behavior. If she is providing rides to this guy when they are together he needs to be prepared to go do something else for the day, not throw a temper tantrum and tell her what to do.


She justifies her actions by thinking that giving this kid a ride home since supposedly "nobody else" has a car that he knows and his aunt/uncle are mean to him and wont give him rides makes it the right thing to do, since he is her friend or else he would have to walk. While I understand that, maybe he shouldnt have a damn job if he can't get there and back, which I said but she didnt really know what to say to that.

I agree with that. If you get a job then it’s your responsibility to get there. That is not his girlfriends problem. I don’t agree with the tone he choose to say it. It comes off whining and instead he could have decided to tell her that he has other things he needs to take care and let her give the other guy a ride. His time is valuable, and he needs to show her that, not whine about it.


She thinks that she has to be a good person and always help people, and that if I dont agree that helping him when he is in need all the time that I am negative ect.

I agree with her. You are negative. You need to demonstrate that you don’t like her actions by backing off when she does this. What she does on her time is not your problem. But if she wants to do this when your around then tell her you’ve got other things to do and she can call you to reschedule a meeting, date, or event.

So do you suggust when she comes over and then if she has to give this guy a ride, that I tell her go ahead, and then tell her that I have other plans for the rest of the night and we have to reschedule? The only problem with that is I only see her twice a week as it is, or is this what I really need to do? Right now she hasn't call me or texted me since Saturday because she feels a bit distant. Should I maintain no contact until she initiates?

So do you suggust when she comes over and then if she has to give this guy a ride, that I tell her go ahead, and then tell her that I have other plans for the rest of the night and we have to reschedule?

That is exactly what I suggest. I and wouldn't get mad about it, just tell her you appreciate the time she made for you, wish her a great day and have her call when she's got a chance.


The only problem with that is I only see her twice a week as it is, or is this what I really need to do?

That's her problem as well, and she hasn't made it a priority to use the time she has with you, a time of value. Your time is valuable, and if she has other things to do then let her do them.


Right now she hasnt call me or texted me since Saturday because she feels a bit distant. Should I maintain no contact until she initiates?

Probably for the best at this time.

All right, if she sticks around I'm going to go in with faith in what you say. I've tried talking about it nicely and seeing if she would be considerate to me, which she has not been. If I follow through, be a man and do not act affected, do you think in time she will come back to me and love me like she used to?

No I do not. Sorry, but I think your pushing her away, and there is much more to this, than giving some guy a ride. My first red flag would be about only seeing each other on two days out of the week, out of seven, and you make no mention of calling, or being in touch, in between time. What's that all about? Is this a long distance relationship? That would bring on a whole new set of problems.

Alright, if she sticks around im going to go in with faith in what you say. I've tried talking about it nicely and seeing if she would be considerate to me, which she has not been. If I follow through, be a man and do not act affected, do you think in time she will come back to me and love me like she used to?

I can't answer that question but I can tell you what you are doing is not working. If you follow through you can at least hold your power and some dignity. Women love both in there men. Right now she has complete power over you and you do nothing about it complain. She can't find that appealing.

When we first got together, I had been reading some materials that listed the qualities women wanted. I told her that we couldnt center our lives around each other, that I love an independent woman, that I wanted her to have her own life. I said that I didnt care if she hung out with other guys and that I am secure with that, but if there is any cheating that I cannot forgive it. She loved that I was like this, and I think its why she fell for me so hard initially. Fast forward a year later, and I have become insecure and completely incongruent with my original self. We dont talk as much but she still loves me.


See this is where your problems started. You read a book that gave you an example of what(some) woman like and you ran with it. You tried to be something you may not be, then you relaxed and started to be yourself. She was liking the guy you pretended to be.
You two are not a match. You never were. She is not what you want and you are not what she wants. You need to accept that and maybe move on.

No I do not. Sorry, but I think your pushing her away, and there is much more to this, than giving some guy a ride. My first red flag would be about only seeing each other on two days out of the week, out of seven, and you make no mention of calling, or being in touch, in between time. Whats that all about? Is this a long distance relationship? That would bring on a whole new set of problems.

The reason for not seeing her much is that she is in school during the day, and then on Tuesday and Thursday night she has night school and she can't see me those nights. She has family nights where she must stay home Sunday and Wednesday. She is 18, I am 20, didn't mention that earlier. She works Saturday and Sunday. Friday and Monday is usually the only days we get.

She says because of this she feels that every moment of her free time is just with us, that she doesn't get to spend any time with her friends. She says that she will have more time in the summer.

Chuff, not all women test men and many of the Adult women I know don't behave that way either. I do not play games, never have. I do not push buttons to see how far I can go, that is what children do with authority.
When you are with the right man, you don't have issues of authority, he is not lording over you, telling you what you can and cannot do and you are not testing boundaries, that is all rather childish and it has been many years sense I as a child. In an adult relationship, there is a mutual respect for each other.

The reason for not seeing her much is that she is in school during the day, and then on Tuesday and Thursday night she has night school and she can't see me those nights. She has family nights where she must stay home sunday and wednesday. She is 18, I am 20, didnt mention that earlier. She works Saturday and Sunday. Friday and Monday is usually the only days we get.

She says because of this she feels that every moment of her free time is just with us, that she doesnt get to spend any time with her friends. She says that she will have more time in the summer.
Well that's the problem! She is 18, is going to school and wants to have fun. That is what the young years are about. She has a busy life and wants to have time to play and be with you.
You two are on two different pages. You need to find someone who is maybe not so busy and can spend more time with you.

If you intend on keeping this female, stop complaining about her time, and start having a good time. She is to busy to have a b/f who complains whenever they are together, just because that's the stage she is at. Exploring, having fun, wild and loose. You want a steady g/f to hug, cuddle, and snuggle with, and give you personal time. Homegirl was right, your at different places in your life. Dude, she has a lot of growing to do, so be very flexible, and go with the flow, or move on. This philly isn't ready to be tamed yet, and any effort to coral her, or slow her roll, will only lead to her wanting her freedom even more. Your decision to make. Have fun, or give her freedom, without you.

What do you suggest I do about this?

Yesterday she broke no contact and said that she was really busy and was surprised that I didn't call or text. We talk over text and we agree to have her come over for awhile. She said after she finished her homework with that guy she gives a ride home. (They both have the same classes) so I wait until 9 and she gets there and stays for awhile. I told her I was out shopping with a friend so it was all right, got some new clothes.

Things go well, she leaves and she asked if I wanted her to call when she gets home, I said sure. She calls and we talk, she said she forgot she was supposed to call her brother and said she would call me back. I said I was going to bed at midnight. She said she would call or text. Well, she never did either. She also said she would call me this morning to wake me up before she went to school and I went to work, she never did. I don't know if she slept in which she commonly does, or if she just didn't care. Same applies to last night, I don't know if it just got too late or what.

How to I handle it? I've told her in the past to please not tell me you are going to call etc if you don't plan on doing it. She never used to be bad about this, just recently. Do I act unaffected and just not mention it?

Yesterday she broke no contact

What's all this no contact about?

Right now she hasn't call me or texted me since Saturday because she feels a bit distant. Should I maintain no contact until she initiates?


Yesterday she broke no contact and said that she was really busy and was surprised that I didn't call or text.
Okay what am I missing with this no contact, and what is she distant about?
I would be asking her whats up?

Why are you on no contact?

I don't think no contact is for people to use, when they need to find common ground and work together.

I had taken the advice of another person on the forum here after her and I had a small issue he said that I should wait for her to call/text me. So I did. I am just tired of always texting her or initiating contact in the morning. I don't want to look clingy or becoming annoying to her for calling her out on not calling when she says she will, I'm afraid it will turn her off.

Okay, when you HAVE been in contact with her, whether it is face to face or on the phone, are you talking to her about the issues that you are mentioning in these posts? Or, are you avoiding the issues and just trying to have a good time with her?

I agree with Talaniman that this no contact should not be used in your situation because you need to talk to her about these issues. If you are talking to her about the issues, great. However, if you are not, what are you waiting for? I hate this no contact stuff unless you are truly broken up. If you are in a relationship, stop with all of the games and call the person if you feel the need to talk!! If you have broken up with someone, there should not be any contact unless it is absolutely necessary.

It is simple, you need to contact someone to talk through the issues. Once this is done, then you need to decide if you want to continue with a relationship. Keep in mind that a good relationship should add to your life, not take away from it. If you find yourself exerting a lot of unnecessary energy working on it, etc. and it is taking away from your overall life, then this is not a good relationship. You need to be happy with yourself and love yourself before anyone else can love you. Being a doormat means that you do not respect yourself because you are constantly putting the needs of someone else before your own needs. However, being over demanding also means that someone needs to do certain things in order to keep you happy. Either way, this is codependant thinking and is NOT healthy. Only you can make yourself happy, no one can do that for you.

Sorry to be so wordy.

I love this girl a lot, but I just wonder with her blowing off calling me back and such. I have talked to her about it before, she says that she is sorry that she has been busy but she was just a bit fed up with me negative attitude. Im working on it and she seems OK with me in person, but I don't know if her not returning a few calls when she says she will constitutes a breakup, and I don't know if I should continue nagging as I may become more like a mom.

What do you guys do, besides spend a few hours at your place a couple of times a week?

What do you guys do, besides spend a few hours at your place a couple of times a week?

Not a whole lot, go to some stores sometimes, a few weekends ago I took her out skating and I planned on taking her bowling too.

Take her out on the town if you can. Normal mall, bowling stuff can get boring. If there is water near where you live, take her on a ferry or something. It works wonders to show her new places.

I plan on wowing and amazing her this summer with some adventure and fun places, but I just need to last with her until she graduates in May to show it all to her..

Not a whole lot, go to some stores sometimes, a few weekends ago I took her out skating and I planned on taking her bowling too.

With all due respect, you two sound like friends not lovers or even potential lovers.

With all due respect, you two sound like friends not lovers or even potential lovers.

I think this is the root of your problem, your relationship is in name only. When you date someone you should spend as much time as possible having fun as you get to no each other. This does NOT sound like a fun relationship. Throw out anything negative, and replace it IMMEDIATELY, with nothing but light-hearted humor, as this female needs to laugh, smile, and have fun, see things and do things. SO DO YOU!! :rolleyes:

Start by calling and saying you miss her, and hope to see her soon!