Hi. The guy I've been dating for the last 5-6 months is less than a year out of 30 year marriage. When I met him he told me he was already divorced, which was a lie, and has been separted for over a year, which was another lie.
A few months ago he told me the truth. Come to find out, he has told me other lies to keep me hanging around.
Basically to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak.
He said from the beginning he wasn't ready to be my boyfriend, but proceeded to pursue me heavily and keep me dangling on a string.
This weekend his away at this dance festival he had originally invited me to, but then he said he wanted to "try alone." he actually lied about that as well at first telling me it was sold out, so I couldn't buy a ticket. I found out that was a lie and confronted him with the info. He finally admitted after some questioning that he wants to date other women, but "isn't looking for another lover." another lie, I assume. He was all flustured when he told me he wanted to go alone, saying he'd like to spend a weekend away with me sometime, he'll see me soon, etc.
Clearly another ploy to keep me waiting around for him, while he's off doing whatever he wants to do, with whoever he wants to do it with.
I can objectively understand him not wanting to be in a relationship at this time, but lying to me is so hurtful as is keeping me at bay for his convenience.
It's hard to think he really gives a at this point.
A few days ago I emailed him and said I was really depressed and needed some space. He emailed me back that day and left a voice message, both of which I didn't respond to.
I haven't heard from him since (3 days) and he didn't call to say goodbye before he left for the dance festival.
I don't want to talk to him or see him anymore.
Do you think he'll care much when I don't respond to any of his messages. I'm sure he thinks I'll be right there waiting for him when he gets back. Do you think he'll miss me when I'm gone?

Why would you want him to care if he lies to you? do you think he'll change his ways?

Honestly, I wouldn't bother.

I know I shouldn't care if he cares. But do you think he will?

More importantly, should I email him saying never to contact me again, or just wait for him to get back from this weekend and never respond to his messages?

Sadly we always want to do the opposite of what's best for us. Don't bother to email him, no contact (simply says it all) don't waste your time in assuming he cares either, its tempting to email/call but just think how great you'll feel a year from now if you can look back and not feel embarrassed, defeated or pathetic, because by then it will only be a distant memory.

Forget him he is bad news. He has lied to you all along, and that is a red flag. Don't waste another minute thinking of this man, he is using you. Maybe you can see now why his wife probably left after 30 yrs, she got smart. Good luck, you deserve better.

So inother words, you don't think he cares at all, and will not give a if we never speak again?

Hey there,

I haven't been on the board for a while but I'll see what I can do to help.

When you're in a relationship, all you can go by is your perception, reality tends to fade away when you meet somebody that you really like. Also, you can't base your actions on what is reality when you're "blinded" by infatuation (Notice I do not use the word love)

I think the problem here is that since he was in a 30 year relationship, and he's just getting out. He's trying to play the field, I don't know how old this guy is but every now and then you got to just let loose. I'm 20 and personally enjoy long relationships (going on 2.5 years now... yes that's long for a 20 year old haha) and even I think that this chump is not worth it.

Maybe he'll care that you're ignoring him, but not because he necessarily cares about YOU, I think he cares that someone else was interested in him and that he can control the situation. If you let this fool play you like that, you have nobody to blame but yourself in the end.

Basically, ignore the dirtbag, if he gets persistent on talking to you, just let him know that you've moved on and that you hope things turn out in the best for him.

(Just because he's a jerk doesn't mean that you can't make a humble and more mature exit)

Take care,

Kevin S.

Ignore him, he'll get the message.He told you from the beginning he didn't want a serious relationship and he has also lied to you from the start. He does not care.
Leave him alone. If he decides to call you, tell him you have moved on and good bye.

Kevin: so you don't think he'll miss me? He's not attached, etc. He's 50 years old. He never really dated before he got married.
He actually thinks strippers are his friends because they pay attention to him and hug him when he comes into the bar. Doesn't it occur to him that they wouldn't give him the time of day if he wasn't paying them?
If he's that desperate for female attention, don't you think he'd try to hold onto me?
Do you think he'll regret throwing our relationship away?
Also, do you think he's not worried now because he thinks I'll be waiting for him when he returns on Sunday?
How important am I to him? I don't get it, really.
Please explain more.

Signed,
Idiot

kevin: so you don't think he'll miss me? he's not attached, etc.? he's 50 years old. he never really dated before he got married.
he actually thinks strippers are his friends because they pay attention to him and hug him when he comes into the bar. doesn't it occur to him that they wouldn't give him the time of day if he wasn't paying them?
if he's that desperate for female attention, don't you think he'd try to hold onto me?
do you think he'll regret throwing our relationship away?
also, do you think he's not worried now because he thinks i'll be waiting for him when he returns on sunday?
how important am i to him? i don't get it, really.
please explain more.

signed,
idiot

First, never sign yourself as an idiot, since you're not the idiot here.

This is NOT about missing someone, this is about his insecurities. He's been MARRIED since he was my age, and when you're married for that long since a young age, don't you think that you would want to go have some fun when the time calls for it?

The dude is pathetic and to be honest, just like you said, if he thinks strippers are his friends he's mistaken. He probably goes there a lot and they may KNOW him because of that, but they are friendly because that is their job and they got to make some money.

He may or may NOT be desperate for attention, you said that he wanted to date around and that he wasn't looking for a relationship, so why did you let it turn into one?

Just ignore him, if he's not willing to put time and effort into a relationship, then you got to cut your losses (I personally think your winning here not dealing with him)

I've been told this before, and been telling other members on the board this saying.

"What happens when 2 people are in a boat and only one is rowing? The boat goes around in circles and you get nowhere. When both people are rowing, you get to where you want to be and things go smoothly"

You were sitting, waiting in the "boat" and yet he was watching you turning in circles while chilling at the stripper bar right by the dock.

Ditch this scumbag, there's 7 BILLION people in the world, I'm sure there is AT LEAST 1 person that is worth your time.

Get a hobby if you really can't stop thinking about him, do the things you love. You may be upset, but you need to love yourself enough to know when this is messed up. I love myself too much to let any girl get the best of me, regardless of what happens.

YOU COME FIRST, EVERYONE ELSE COMES SECOND. Self-loathing is meaningless and a waste of time, also it's unattractive and won't help you to find someone else that is wonderful for you.

Ask around, and everyone here has had some sort of problem that was hard for them, but they took the experience to better themselves and now some (If not most) are in a happy relationship!

It's your turn now, goodluck!

Kevin

Why do you say he is insecure just because he wants to play the field? I understand why you said it in response to the stripper situation.
You didn't really answer my question, though. So be patient with me!
Do you think he gives a crap? Do you think he'll miss me?

By the way, I didn't even tell you that he is pathelogical liar. He lied to me when I first me him, saying he was divorced when he isn't and said he's been out of the marriage for over a year, when it was only 5 months.
He's lied to me about other things as well - not telling me stuff - to keep me interested in him.
He even was kind of desperate when he told me about going to the dance weekend by himself, saying he wasn't trying to break up with me, etc.

I'm definitely getting out, disappering. I just want him to care. Do you think he does? Or just feels trapped? But if he feels trapped, why wouldn't he break up with me?

You sound so desperate and honestly pathetic, being so into someone who has lied since you met him, and continues to lie. EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A BIG FAT LIE! Don't you love yourself enough to leave this liar alone. What's going on in your life your so needy of any kind of attention, from any one who will give it to you, even if its bad attention, from a liar??

he's lied to me about other things as well - not telling me stuff - to keep me interested in him.

No he didn't, you let him. He lied and you knew it yet did nothing about it to protect yourself.


I just want him to care. Do you think he does?

I don't care what he thinks and neither should you. Can't you see you have no control over him? He doesn't care, and why should he? He can always lie to some other poor female, can't he?

Well, talaniman. My purpose to post here wasn't to get insulted. Calling me names is insulting. If you feel the need to insult people who post here, why don't you refrain and just read something else. It's definitely not helpful. Except to you. Which is selfish.

talaniman is not insulting you, he is telling you what you don't want to hear, but need to hear.
You don't care that he lied to you but you just want to know if he cares? What kind of thinking is that? If he cared about you, he would not continue to lie to you. And since the relationship started with a lie, how do you know if anything he has told you is true?
The man is a liar who only wants what he wants when he wants and couldn't care less who he hurts.
He is not desperate, you are the one who is more concerned about whether he cares for you than the fact that he has done nothing but lie to you.
Does he care? No! And neither should you. Leave him alone.

well, talaniman. my purpose to post here wasn't to get insulted. calling me names is insulting. if you feel the need to insult people who post here, why don't you refrain and just read something else. it's definitely not helpful. except to you. which is selfish.

Hey there,

1.) Talaniman is probably one of the MOST helpful people that I have met on this board. And to be honest, he's helped me a lot with my problems and helped me see the truth (REGARDLESS IF IT WAS WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.) He is not selfish, and to be honest, he's saying the same things that everybody else is saying. Instead of arguing, I'd take a step back and REALLY think about what it is that he's saying and have an open mind (to what everybody is saying as well) If people were on this board to help you, you'd have gone to the www.askmegof***yourself.com website. It's not that way here, and whether you need to be told straight up or not it's going to happen because it's the only way we all will realize how stupid we are being and how we are only digging our own graves over some loser!

2.) You admit this guy is a constant liar, why do you want to be around him in the first place? Let the guy go screw someone else over.

3.) Does he care about you? Ideally you would want yes. Realistically (and let's please use our heads and be realists right now instead of idealists) NO. Once a liar, always a liar. He could have been lying about him caring about you at all. Hell, he could be sleeping with every single one of his "stripper friends" and not tell you anything about it. Would you still care now if that was the case?

I know it hurts to be told the blunt truth but the way I see it. I'd rather be hit with the blunt truth, then to be stabbed by a sharp-edged lie (you know, the things we want to hear and believe)

This guys 50 years old, and is still playing mind games? If he was a real man, he would just be honest from the get go, a relationship doesn't run on lies and fake beliefs, it runs on open communication and trust. You can't trust this guy when he's lied to you on some pretty important issues.

Come on, I'm less then half his age, and you can ask around this board and they'll tell you that I probably have the patience and maturity of somebody twice my age.

Maybe this guy WILL miss you, but you shouldn't feed off knowing that because it's pathetic. Nobody should EVER define who you are or how you feel.

Please, for your own sake and mental health, just let the prick go surround himself with people that will never make him happy, and you go and surround yourself with any and everything that makes YOU happy. You deserve to be happy, not him. And stop worrying if he's going to miss you or care, we don't know that kind of this and it's not logical for us to tell you what somebody else might feel because we have no control over that.

What everybody is saying on this board is to stop worrying about that B.S. and to just stop dealing with him and to heal yourself and learn from the experience.

Please, nobody on this board is here to hurt you, everybody on this board has their own life experiences and that is all that they can offer to aid you in your own predicament.

Kevin S

why do you say he is insecure just because he wants to play the field? i understand why you said it in response to the stripper situation.
you didn't really answer my question, though. so be patient with me!
do you think he gives a crap? do you think he'll miss me?

And I said that he's insecure because he has to LIE TO YOU TO GET YOU TO LIKE HIM AND HOLD ON TO YOU. I thought I made that clear, guess not. My apologies.

Dear dancewriter.. no matter how many threads you jump to to ask the same questions, it still will not change the fact that he does not care!
Either you are secure in a relationship or you are not - and right now, you are confused and are going in the wrong direction. Stop jumping around posts, settle down and think things through. You might care about this jerk, but you care too much about how he cares about your actions, which you have absolutely no control over, and will never find out, no matter how many of us you ask. We are not in his head (thank goodness, because there is no room there except selfish thoughts of himself) and you have no influence over anyone but yourself, so...
You have to start thinking about YOURSELF, your feelings, your goals, your happiness - and NOT him! Stop clinging to something that you can't reach - and should not even worry about any more. His signals are clear to everyone else but you.. hello.. you are hurting yourself. Do you deserve to chastize yourself so much? I don't think so. You deserve better than what he can ever dish out. Get this dude out of your head and get your own life back.

We all have suggested that you go on and start living and enjoying yourself without being obsessed with this creap and I sincerely hope you take our advice serious.

It's your move next.

Keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

You know he is bad for you. You know you NEED to do no contact so WHY is it soooooo
Important to you that he miss you? If you are not seeing him what does it matter how much or how often he does or does not think of you?
If you can't get over him thinking of you then you either have an obsession or you are very codependent on what others think.

Hi. Thanks for your support. I didn't read the posts until right now because I didn't realize I had to turn the page!
The reason I am so upset is because I am worried about myself. If it's not this guy, it'll be another one just like him. I have REALLY poor instincts when it comes to relationships. I just get so attached and love someone blindly. That's what worries me. And I pour my whole self into them and helping them, thinking they will do the same thing back and they don't.
I was in a total fantasy about my future with this guy, which was fostered by his lies.
I hate breaking up. It makes me so lonely.
He actually just called and left a message. I haven't responded. Proud of me?
I got upset about taliman's comment because telling me I'm screwed up is obvious and hurts even more. I'm too sensitive for that. The intention behind it may have been good, but it came out bad.

Then your concern should not be what he thinks but rather what can you do different.
You need to get on with your life and be more careful about who you trust.
I have the same problem when I am with a guy I tell them everything and they make up in their head how they think I am anyway. I have learned that it is not good to poor your heart out. When you do too much for a guy they think they can get over on you easier so it is better to just treat them like you aren't all that interested.

You didn't say how good it is I didn't call him back!

It is very good. You need to keep up the good work!