I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now and she's simply wonderful. We are really close to each other and we love each other to bits. However there are certain things in my past that did make me a little crap emotionally and well made our relationship pretty bad...

Well her parents are my godparents so naturally I'm extremely close to her parents. I even stay over at her place really often at one point of time. However being traumatised when I was really young I don't really know how to express myself unless I know that person really well... Well there's no problem communicating to my girlfriend at all unless we had an argument.

She gets pretty unreasonable sometimes during an argument for example falling asleep at 2am and when she calls me on my cell after studying she can't get me... She gets angry for that for a day or two until she is all right...

Well one day we had a bad quarel and I contemplated suicide which I did do in the end. Well thank god I did survive as I had jumped off a building... I still walk and I'm still able to run so I'm so happy to be alive to tell my story.

She realised that she love me so much but of course this has caused her to be scared and freaked out but her parents showed me continued support and I soon got well... However whenever we have problems or arguments I always threaten to kill myself at the spur of the moment when in fact I only wanted her attention. I had a traumatising past so I hope none of you are killing me for that... =O)

So there came a point where I acknowledged the fact that I needed help but I never got down to doing anything. Soon after that a few weeks later I threatened to kill myself over a trivial matter and she decided to break up with me.

I know I was totally wrong and she hinted that she still wanted to be with but only if I got well, I know she is totally confused right now and doesn't know if she should get back to me even if I do get better... However her parents and mine have been pressurizing her and she's pretty stressed out. I haven't contacted her for a week now and I'm going through counselling sessions and I'm getting a lot better but I want to get back with her and I don't know how.

My dad talked to her dad and arranged a meeting for me and her to meet up next week. I don't know what to say... I really want her back but I don't have a single clue what to say...

I just know that I love her, I want to get well, I want to marry her and I will never give up trying no matter how painful it gets... Anyone have any idea?

:eek:

It appears either for real, or perhaps as a excuse for bad behavior you keep falling back to the fact you were tramatised, I am not saying this is not serious and can not cause issues, but again, we are all also responsible for what we say and do.

And if you are doing counseling for only a week, you have a long way to go still but you need to let her know exactly what you are telling us.

I think you shouldn't tell her anything at the moment, just show her that you care about her. Because you seem to have a very serious problem to fix yourself. So wait until you fix it, then you can talk to her. Honestly, if I were her, I would break up with you long time ago, you don't seem to love yourself, so how can you bring happiness to her?

If you tell her that you'll do whatever to get her back, trust me, she will definitely reject you righ away, because it's a sign of desperate guy.

So, be patient, tell her that you're sorry for your bad behavior, and will make an effort to fix your problem and will be so happy if she helps you fixing it. That's all, don't mention about getting back together.

Well I'm going to meet her next week because the meeting has been fixed! I can't say I'm not happy.. because I miss her so much... I'm just scared because I don't really know what to expect.. You're right about having a long way more to go but I'm not giving up that's for sure... But I just need to know, if I don't have any contact with her how on earth do I show that I care for her still? And where do I go after telling her sorry for the bad behaviour and will change and would want her to help me fix it?

Dude I strongly advise you let her go without guilt, and conquer your own demons first. Not fair to expect her to be there for you, when you have so much work to do for yourself. Let her go and have a chance for happiness, while you. Work on you. Good Luck.

I really need someone to tell me really what to do... I still want to be with her... I'm so afraid that if I let her go now, she'll just be gone forever you know?

Ever heard that saying, something like, if you love something and let it go and it comes back to you, that's how you know its really yours?
You need to work through your issues before you get back together with her. Unless you want to push her away for good, then yeah, get back together with her now so you can fall back into your old habits and ruin the relationship for good.

Bro, read the post above yours... (Talaniman)

You want to be with this girl, but you're kidding yourself if you think she'd want to be with you after being traumatized herself by YOUR ACTIONS.

When did saying you were going to kill yourself become all right? When did trying to put a permanent solution to a temporary problem (as the predicaments you have) become a means for justification to win an argument.

Being somebody who had FOUND HIS FRIEND HANGING when he committed suicide, I live with that heartache every day! Stop thinking about yourself and think about all of those around you that care about you! What is suicide going to do bro? Now you really won't have her, you think she'll commit suicide too so you can be together for ever? Hell no, you'll just hurt her even more. And if that was the last thing you wanted, you would have never even said that to her because it's immature and to be honest, she did the smart thing in pulling out of such a destructive relationship.

I'm sorry if you feel insulted by my words, but I can not believe how selfish some people can be, using your insecurities and saying you'll commit suicide to win an argument is a dirty trick and foolish.

You have too many personal problems to ever TRULY make this girl happy and to be yours.

Fix yourself, and she will see if you're worth her time.

Kevin

Falling back into my old habits is not going to happen again because I swore not to make them again.. And its something I want to do to change because I don't want to be a guy who doesn't give any security of some sort to the one I love.

I agree because the root problem is in me and even if I don't get back with her I will still do the horrible things if I don't change from the inside... I just need a chance to get back with her and I know Its going to get better from there...

My friend saw her at some party last night with some guy... Its totally heartbreaking.. he asked me what happened between me and her... I told him.. "I made some mistakes in the relationship.. I may be sorry and I do care and love her but there's really nothing I can do for now but to get better for myself... Don't tell me what she does in some party coz I really don't wanna know... Not all in life is dandy like cotton sodding candy...cheers man"

Well the thing is after sending this message to him I realised I actually sent it to her by mistake.. She probably saw this message but I've got no idea what she's thinking right now.. Can anyone please advise?

That was bloody harsh Kevin, if you don't know the whole gravity of the situation then I guess you should try to understand it before jumping to conclusion. I agree with you that yes I may have made mistakes but try going through all your years in a broken family and being tortured psychologically for a whole 18 years... I'm not here to argue, justify or prove my worthiness to any of you... But I'm here just seeking answers and advice because we don't know everything...

Anyway I never said that by saying that I want to kill myself is all right... I said its going to stop...

How do you mistake REPLYING to the sender, to sending it to HER by accident, if this was a text on the phone that's got to be that you wanted her to see that. I think the same goes for an E-mail. That sounds like something would have been sent so that you can play it off like you're not entirely happy, but that you want to get better for yourself.

Stop thinking about her for now. She is out of your life emotionally. You don't need her in your life to be happy, because nobody should define you! When you have this meeting with her, don't act sad or like u miss her. Matter of fact, don't even talk about your past or anything having to do with each other as a couple. She is now just a friend ( if even that.. ) and don't justify you wanting to get better so you can be with her.


What happens if you are doing good, you get back together and then it s over? You would feel like a chump. Confidence and real internal happiness is contagious, don't add a relationship or her onto your bigger problem.

You being happy, healthy > relationship.


That was bloody harsh Kevin, if you don't know the whole gravity of the situation then I guess you should try to understand it before jumping to conclusion. I agree with you that yes I may have made mistakes but try going through all your years in a broken family and being tortured psychologically for a whole 18 years... I'm not here to argue, justify or prove my worthiness to any of you... But i'm here just seeking answers and advice because we don't know everything...

Like I said, sometimes being "harsh" is the best way to understand the perspective.

How can I, or anyone on this forum know the "gravity of the situation" when you didn't tell anybody?

And believe me friend, we're more similar than you think. I've had a father who cheated on my mother and left us when I was 1, he also was a drunk and beat me for 14 years of my life (since I was 4) and then in a matter of 2 years have a friend commit suicide, have 2 friends killed in a drive by, have a best friend die in a car crash because her mother fell asleep at the wheel, have an aunt die to a tumor in her brain amongst other things in life. You are not the only one with problems, you're outlook on life is what makes you who you are. Want to know why I'm doing fine? Because I know that I mean something and I'm here for a reason and that there are people in this world living and dealing with things that are far worse, and for me to complain and use it as a justification for something is disrespectful to all those going through a hard problem.

I'm not flaming you at all, I just think that it was completely unfair for you to say you would kill yourself over a petty argument. And that she was smart FOR BOTH OF YOU to get herself out of that situation, and look, now you're finally getting help that you know you needed.

You are seeking answers, and you have received some. It's not going to be sugar coated here, that's the real world. You know when you mess up, and you know when people are not going to B.S. you into thinking that everything is going to be perfect in your life.

You're going to have problems, maybe some will re-occur, but if you can't look back at the end of the day and realize that you are the most important person to you and that you should love yourself no matter what, you can't expect someone else to think that way about you.

No hard feelings at all, please be safe and I hope that everything goes well for you and as smoothly as possible.

Best regards,

Kevin S

Hey Kevin, thanks so much for all that... I too wish that I would be better.. nobody on this planet would ever be in any of our shoes... We all want happiness and I'm no different... Love can make you the happiest or the saddest person on earth... Its just one of the banes of life... I truly want to get better... So thank you for sharing with me the hard knocks of life... Anyway I sent her a message that I meant from the bottom of my heart... Take a look and let me know what you think...

Hey vanessa how are you doing? I hope everything is all good for you... I know it has to be really difficult for you now as it is for us both. I just want you to know that I do care and love you so much still... I don't know what holds for us tomorrow or in the future but just know that you'll always be precious to me for always hon... Its going to be all good for you and for me... I don't know if you'll ever want me back even if I do get well again but I will be well again that's for sure. Stay safe and keep praying for me because I've never forgotten you in my prayers... Miss you loads... Sorry for letting you down and letting my life difficulties get in our way... Just be well hon... I want to see you happy for always even if I'm not the ne that makes you happy.. I would die for that life to be the one that makes you happy everyday but it is yours to decide if you want that... Be always well babe.. Study hard and do yer best in everything because if the world stops believing in you, you can count that I won't... See you

I know she still loves me and misses me... =O( can someone please give me a kick so I can wake the hell up...

Maybe that's what you feel, but since you have no clue as to how she may feel then sending a profession of love, considering all that has tranpired is not a good idea, and may be a bit selfish, as I'm sure you can see how one sided this is. What is she supposed to do now? Run to your side and proclaim her loyalty? What a trick bag she is in, as for sure, she is scared for you. That you can count on, so leave those guilt trips out of the equation, and give her understanding of her fear, and set her free, so you can heal your demons, and come back healthy. I don't think your being fair to her, or yourself.

So I got to let go is that it?

So I got to let go is that it?
Yes sir, that's it, to focus on you getting to a healthy place. To have a healthy relationship, in the future. That serves you both. Don't you want that for her as well?

I'm not sure if I actually do want to give her up... It sucks to be in my shoes because I'm so lost in love for her... arghhh...

You need to continue with the counseling and do not get back with her until you are sure that you are strong enough to never say you want to kill yourself.
Saying you are going to kill yourself is no way to keep a relationship or to make a healthy relationship work.
She sounds like she has issues too because it is unreasonable insecurity for her to expect to call you at 2 am and you answer. She should realize you need your sleep.

I think the best way to work out getting back together is talk to her and your counselor about having her go with you to some of the sessions and participate on how it makes her feel and how and what she feels things can work for you two to get back together.

Hmmm she never called me at 2am? But that's an excellent idea, I thank you so much N0help4u... Anyway, is there by any chance anyone who loves reading fantasy? Coz I started on a book and have been writing it for quite a while... More so having troubles like that makes me want to pass time too so if anyone wants to read what I've got do let me know! =) Cheers!

Meanwhile if anyone has any other suggestions please do let me know.. I'm extremely open to anything that could help me... And yes I'm certain I would never say I would kill myself again...

Anyway for a clearer picture about this whole thing do read my blog... I hope that helps...

Not A Life Of An Ordinary Singaporean (http://www.kiss--met.blogspot.com/)

I thought you meant she calls you after falling asleep at 2 am because of this


falling asleep at 2am and when she calls me on my cell after studying she can't get me... She gets angry for that for a day or two until she is alright...

Hunger strikes are as bad as threatening to kill yourself. You need to accept life as it is.
Trying to kill yourself and hunger strikes are manipulating and it is not good to manipulate people with feeling bad for you or guilty. Until you can accept somebody loving you for who you are without the manipulative tactics you need to quit wanting anybody in your life.
Why would you want somebody because they feel you pulled the strings to make them feel obligated to stay with you because they didn't want to see you harm yourself. That is not what love is suppose to be about--at all!
You need to quit obsessing about her and get your life together before you are strong enough to include a girlfriend in your life. She very well could love you and want to be with you but with your tactics it could very well be pushing her the opposite way and further from you rather than closer to you.

Yeah I agree... oh the 2am thing... yeah but that was a long way back... For the hunger strike thing... I'm with you on that and that's why I'm eating right now and concentrating on getting better... But do you have any idea what I should say to her when I see her?

Tell her "I can understand you being mad at me, not wanting to see me or whatever, but I would really appreciate your giving me another chance.'' Even if it is only friends (and mean that) and go at your pace if and when you are ready for more because I don't want to push you or rush you. If you can be there for moral support and encouragement that would be great. I was thinking that it would be nice if you could come to some of my counseling sessions sometimes. Maybe you could give my counselor some insight from a different perspective so she/he would have a better understanding on how others see my issues."

I'm scared that she won't accept that... Anyway how do you thing I should tell her that? I mean through text or a phone call? My god this is mind boggling...

But do you have any idea what I should say to her when I see her?
Set her free, your not healthy at this time.

Omg she just put her Facebook relationship status as Single... From "its complicated to single.." My god I'm frantic!

It doesn't sound like you should be dating right now anyway. There's no way you coud have worked through all of your issues so quickly and you need to deal with those before you're dating her again.
And if she's decided your issues are more than she can deal with and its time for her to be single and move on, who helped get her to that point?

I have no friggin idea.. But I'm pretty decided that I should go find her so I could talk to her face to face now.. Waiting is just such a dumb idea...

Anyone got anything to say to a naïve guy like me?

Ok there's an update.. I talked to the counselor, and she has arranged for her to talk to Vanessa and family then talk to me and then after that talk to me and vanessa together... She'll be asking us what we want and so on and so forth... I'll be given some time to talk to vanessa and I'll be trying to win her back.. if we do get together, the counsellor will be advising us on what to do and the such of course I won't stop having sessions with her.. so it's a win win situation... Can anyone please tell me what I should say to her when I see her next week??

I really think that you should show the counselor your blog and this thread, so they may know all the facts to help you through this. You are not healthy enough for a relationship, and need to focus on getting healthy. I think trying to keep a g/f under these circumstances is a very bad idea for her own mental health. I know you don't want to face that, but its not fair to her, and she wants out, and you should let her go!! Now is the time to work on you. Don't be selfish!

Tal, I had to spread the rep.

I agree, it's time to work on yourself. You've told her time and time again that you have changed and time and time again have proven otherwise. Fix your problems first. Get healthy and then you can concentrate on a relationship. If she moves on then so be it, there are other fish in the sea, but you shouldn't even have your fishing rod in the water right now. Get better first.

My Counsellor knows all the facts that I've told you guys and even more.. I never hid anything from her... She feels that my girlfriend and I still love each other so by being able to talk to both of us and decide from there is one more thing... Me wanting to try and get back together with her is something I really want, because breaking up doesn't solve anything... So can someone please really really advice me on what to say to her when I see her?

She feels that my girlfriend and I still love each other so by being able to talk to both of us and decide from there is one more thing.
According to you the counselor hasn't seen you or anyone yet.


I talked to the counselor, and she has arranged for her to talk to Vanessa and family then talk to me and then after that talk to me and vanessa together..
This is what you wrote this morning. What's up dude?

You just don't get it, do you? You're asking for advice, everyone is telling you the same thing: you're not ready for a relationship. If your counselor really thinks you are and is even willing to help you push your ex-gf into therapy with you to drag her back into the relationship maybe you need a new counselor. Because this one sounds like a real push-over. That's how my mom's counselor was and guess what, my mom's issues have only gotten worse because having a counslor who tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear doesn't help you in the long run. I don't know that it even does in the short run.

I've seen her more than once... I'm seeing her next that week... The counsellor wants to be there to sort things out if my girlfriend says no to me.. Because after all she just wants to help me with my problems... The counsellor isn't pushing my girlfriend nor is she pushing me to break up with her... she's completely neutral, but she just wants to help me through this difficult time be it I'm with her or not... Thing is that my ex girlfriend may get back with me when I talk to her so during that point my counsellor will then talk to us and tell us what to do to actually make things better... well if my girlfriend doesn't get back with me, my counsellor will then proceed to help me by teaching me how to handle that rejection.. and of course even when we do get back together my counsellor is already helping me on that...

You need a new counsellor. If you told her everything you told us then I'm surprised that she thinks that you should be in a relationship right now. I'm sorry honey, I'm sticking with the advice that I gave you previously. You need to get healthy. As long as you are unhealthy then any relationship you have will be unhealthy. Working out your problems while you are dating is not a good idea. Problems first, then dating second, not together.

I wish you the best of luck.