Twelve days have gone by since I was informed by my husband about his betrayal and his 4 year old daughter. We both decided that we want to give our marriage a second try and so we turned to counseling. During the first session we were advised that we should receive treatment individually to " clean up our internal mess " and then do it as a couple.
So this is what we are now doing.

I am going through a tornado of feelings, I love him and he loves me, this I know, but I just do not seem to be able to hold a normal conversation with him, which is not filled with resentment, hate, tears, jealousy... and he says that it is better that we do not speak about it, with which I do not quite agree.

I want to know who she is, what her name is, how it started... but he says that at the present it is not relevant... during the first session together, the therapist asked him the name of his little girl, and he said that he cannot say it out loud.

Our kids feel the distance and especially the youngest one - 8 yrs old coming may - keeps on asking him if we are going to divorce.

Sometimes I feel like kissing him and even being intimate with him, but when he is in front of me, I have a wall which unables me to be nice in any way. I just keep silent and hardly speak.

He says that he wants to reach a point in which he will not have to lower his eyes when he is talking to me.

Please give me some advise on how to behave and whether I should try to put my feelings aside for the good of my family.

Thank you

A betrayal of trust is something very difficult to regain. And from what I gather, he has been the ultimate betrayer by having another woman and a child outside his marriage for four years or more. How did you not notice that something was wrong with your situation if he had another family somewhere else ? He must have had to spend a lot of time away from home to accomplish this sort of betrayal.

So what will he do with his other family ? Or am I reading too much between the lines ?

I can't tell you how to act. You will have to reach deep inside yourself to deal with this just in order to get by on a day to day basis. But I do believe you and he should not be living together for the time being until you get some issues straightened out, such as his second family.

IF you want it to work you are going to have to leave go of the past and work on each day as it comes. Knowing the who she is and everything associated will only add to making it harder on you because you will have the vision image details to associate him with every time you see him--making the wall even worse.

I agree a bit. Too much detail is not good. I had those same feeling s too : love then resentment, etc. That is logical and natural. Time is what you both need. Not necessarily apart from each other but time to work through it and heal. Understand that if you decide to stay together, this love child will in some form or another, always be a part of his life . Can you handle that ?

There is a lot of details that no you don't need to know, but then if he has a four year old daughter he should start also trying to become a father to her also. There are times when a few weeks or a couple of months of separation can help and you move back to a dating state.

But at this point first he has to be willing to work with the couselor as you are.