I would appreciate a few opinions on my current relationship and how to either proceed, stall or move on from anyone with experience as well as a man's perspective.
My current boyfriend(35) and I (39) have been dating for 9 months. We do have a lot in common that we learned and talked a lot about early on. I'm a very "want to take care of you person" and early on learned that all that isn't good for him so only did 1/2 of what normally I would feel being helpful & caring. Lately (last 6 months) there has been a break down from him of affection, romance, communication and frankly he wants to tell me what I'm doing wrong for him in the relationship (like he states I don't listen and try to tell him what to do). I took heed to all that as well shared some of my wants and started working on the things he told me. Well he's noticed a difference in me but I haven't gotten anything in return for effort from him. I've not brought this up as I want to give the guy time to try and work on things but appears most of his energy is spent on "other" priorities like his friend calls and needs help on a Sat. after he's been out of town and not seen me and I prior had asked if Sat. we could spend the evening and go out and he agreed. You guessed it - he bailed and gave several excuses. I'm not wanting to bore you with details but I took the guy on a cruise and paid for it and when we returned he gave me half the extra expenses outside of the $2100 I paid for us and didn't offer or say thank you. There's plenty of other things both effort and $$$ that I've invested as I really care for him but outside of month 1 and 2 with 2 cards and flowers and a few dinners he's not made any effort romantically or to communicate. He states he's the most romantic and frankly I've told him some space to decide what we want to do is in order but he's said nothing about things for 4 weeks - just general conversation when HE calls me - is it time to cut bait, bring it up and hope no arguments, or more space (what do you men do for all that time in those caves anyway?).

what do you men do for all that time in those caves anyways?.

I feed my pet bats in the morning and then clean and organize my rock collection for the remainder of the day. In the evening, I relax by the entrance on my favorite stone and pick apart passing posts and make observations.



I'm a very "want to take care of you person" and early on learned that all that isn't good for him so only did 1/2 of what normally I would feel being helpful & caring.

Try cutting it to 1/4. This troglodyte prefers a partner instead of another mother.


he states I ... try to tell him what to do

"men over 30 to assist"
"I've told him some space to decide what we want to do is in order"

I can see how that could be possible.



I took the guy on a cruise and paid for it and when we returned he gave me half the extra expenses outside of the $2100 I paid for us and didn't offer or say thank you. There's plenty of other things both effort and $$$ that I've invested.

Labor + $$$ does not = Ideal Mate. Are you pointing these things out to him? It sounds as if you might do things to obligate him to reciprocate and he's resisting.


he's not made any effort romantically...

You'll have to decide if you can accept him in his current state. It is unlikely that you will change him and only annoy him to no end by attempting to do so.

If you are with him for 9 months and having problems for 6 months ,which means you only got on for the first 3 months.Is it worth the effort. You mentioned money , is he a miser or a leech??

Standard "Wake Up" Speech #12:

Dating is for discovering if the guy you like is actually compatible with you. You already like him... so what? Pay attention. The first few months everyone's on their best behavior, so you almost have to ignore those months.

Eventually everyone starts acting "normal". That's when you work on it for awhile and THEN DECIDE - are you compatible or not?

Does this sound eerily familiar? Your first 3 months were good, then things settled into "normal" and have never been "fine" since?

The problem here is YOU. You've found yourself investing time and $$ in someone you clearly aren't compatible with in a long-term intimate relationship. Anyone reading your story will spot it instantly. Yours isn't even hard one. Clear as day.

Well, clear to everyone but you. You ignore the differences and are trying to change him. Not going to work. Never, no way. So, if you like discomfort, frustration, futile desparation and anger from a guy who spots your attempts to turn him into something he's not... then by all means, STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Or, snap out if it, wish him well, and move on. There are a lot of compatible men out there, I mean a LOT LOT LOT of guys that truly love a "doting, motherly" wife. Me included! We're out there.

The guy you're with now ain't one of those, shake it off and don't wait for hatefulness to eventually break you two up when you could be mature and end it while there's still good blood between you.

I guess I forgot to mention how "he tells me" my faults and what I should or shouldn't do in life. I chaulked it up to a man's problem solving skills but perhaps I'm wrong and perhaps he's the wrong one for me. So question if you're in limbo, there are interests you share and well we both decide to stop changing the other as suggested as well as mothering him - what's next? As a man do you expect the woman to make the next move, bring up the conversation or as a woman should I expect him to bring up the topic of what's next? Hate to be so naïve but assuming most men will wait out the frustration but would love to hear your opinion.

if you are with him for 9 months and having problems for 6 months ,which means you only got on for the first 3 months.Is it worth the effort. You mentioned money , is he a miser or a leech ????

Forgot to address: He's a miser and I don't worry about it as I earn and spend my own money on us as well as myself but yes the question does beg the answer - are you compatible? I think I'm realizing the answer.:eek:

Dating and then discerning you're not compatible is not a failure, by the way. It's a complete success.

Failure is NOT discerning it until after you're married and making each other miserable, even though you love each other. Happens daily.