Recently got divorced about 8 months ago. Im the one that choose to leave the marriage of 17 years. Was very pained but no longer in love with this man.I have 2 girls with him and honestly we have been apart for 4 years. You might ask why I just divorced him but he was very controlling. I finally meet this man and same goes for him he was apart from his ex for a couple of years and we finally decided after 6 months of seeing this new man.. we both wanted to divorce and move forward with this relationship and it be normal. I fell in love with him and I felt he was in love with me and said he no matter what he wants to be with me and move forward together. He also has to 2 kids. Well,its been a year and 3 months and we have had issues with the ex's. They decided to cause trouble and I got a protective order on my ex so that he would leave us alone but his ex never got that and the second we came out with our relationship .she has wanted him back and has done everything under the sun. I fussed at him to handle her but he seem to never just get nasty with her. I feel as if he choose to always pain me not her. Ex left him and cheated on him 3 years ago.. he waited for a year for her and then met me and said he could never go back. I tried to believe him but she always seem to get under my skin and I couldn't ignore her as everyone told me to.. I drove him crazy. 2 weeks ago, I went to his house and relationship was pretty normal and I started talking about commitment and he changed into another person. I asked him if it was because of his ex. He said no.
He ran.. he said in an hour that he wasn't in love with me and he needed to be alone. We
Had a wonderful week and he said he was going to address his ex and fix this between us and he went to a counselor and they said remind the ex everyday that he didn't want her and he said he would but he didn't.. he just avoided her and said that he couldn't live without me.I realize it was my issue to not let her get to me but he never seem to want to draw a line with her and he said it was because he didn't want to hurt his kids.. she did enough hurting the for the both of them.
Imjust curious.. im in so much pain after 2 weeks without him, is he running from commitment or is he running because his ex finally after 3 years said she was sorry that week before . So lost and confused and because we fussed about her.. I know it was old but he was so connected to me. I can't seem to move forward and I wanted to know if you think its about her or just not wanting the commitment. The breakup that night wasn't planned because he had plans for us so, I know it wasn't that. Guess because we were fine the first part of the night and the night before he said he was hooked me and couldn't imagine being without me...
I thought after he said he would talk her and that issue would be gone but we never made it to that next day. I know I have to move forward but the way he just dropped us... I don't understand. Can
It be her or is it he is tried of the fussing and sees no hope and the commitment is scary?

Your relationship with this man may have been doomed from the start. There's possibly just TOO much to overcome for him. You may be willing and able to push through all the chaos you've two created in your family lives, but he isn't.

That may be all there is to it. And whether you want to hear it or not, I'll say that his continuing to defer to his ex and try not make waves against her (you called it "getting nasty" I think) or his kids, I think that's a GOOD thing on his part.

It takes a lot of things happening in concert (not just lovey feelings) for two people to make a successful go of it. You attempted a go with someone across a river of chaos that may be unbreachable for him... even though he swam part way.

Oh well. What can you do? Maybe "getting nasty" is actually bad and he's making better choices right now than you care to acknowledge. But it may be true, nonetheless.

Your break from your husband needs to be something you did for YOU, not something you did for some other unavailable man. This guy, divorced or not, still appears to be unavailable. It may just me time to admit that.

Try not to "get nasty" with him, too.

Hey, maybe you misunderstood me. I did leave my ex but I didn't go out with this guy for 3 years after the separation. He didn't go out with anyone too for 2 years after she left him. WE both was alone for years before we started going out. I never filed because I was scared of my ex. His ex cheated on him with 6 guys before she filed for divorce and the week after she filed.. he met me . WE just wanted the ex's to move on and let us be.. they were the ones that destroyed the marriages.. so it was over with them before me and so was mine. They cheated and lied and pained our kids. WE just wanted to get them past us and move forward. You have a point to the nasty comment and maybe it wasn't the answer but I was only trying to get her to leave us alone. I know he is a gentle soul and I thought that was wonderful but it still seemed to always effects me.
Maybe I didn't have a chance and I never had him but we just been through bad marriages and wanted to be happy.I have to move forward but just was wondering if it was the whole commitment thing that freaked him out.. or is it that he can't let go of her controlling him.

I did leave my ex but I didn't go out with this guy for 3 years after the separation. He didn't go out with anyone too for 2 years after she left him. WE both was alone for years before we started going out.
Ah, good clarification, thank you for that.

... was wondering if it was the whole commitment thing that freaked him out.. or is it that he can't let go of her controlling him.
Well, in either case there's not much you can do, at least nothing to change him. Can you?

In your shoes, I'd put more credence on what he actually does, not what he says he wants to do. If he wants to make you primary in his life, he does that. If he doesn't, then you have to decide YOURSELF how long you'll take second/third string.

You may have the time to wait for him to complete all his other obligations and you move to first slot just because everything else just "finished"... but itf you don't have that time/patience, then waste as little of it as possible wishing things were different and start the moving on process.

Thanks! Im lost inside, it was all about us. It was 2 families we wanted to put together and 3 jobs between us and lived 45 minutes away from each other he always made time to text me 30 times a day and morning and night text and seen me every other weekend and 2 days during the week for lunch.. after a year.. you just don't have that so strong.. it usually slows up but it didn't.. but the strain of the ex and what she was doing to destroy us was overwhelming and I never knew how to handle it. She throw him out years ago but once she heard of me... she was back in love with him. I know I have to stop being mad at her and him but I blame her for all the ugly she has caused. WE were fine as long as she was out with a guy. I don't know about waiting for anyone.. never had to do that but I really had a couple of weeks to find me again. Yes, hurt and it seems the pain will never go away but I'm getting peace within me. I believe that night of the breakup.. he and I would still be together ,sure still dealing with the ex but I confronted him about comittment and he turned into someone I didn't know.. I lost him at that moment.
He loved me earlier and we had a great week and up until he asked me to come lay with him on the couch that night.. we were together and when I said I wasn't going to keep living like this with your ex and I wanted more from him... he said I think we need a time out and I'm not in love with you anymore. How do I take that? Of course you do but I knew he was just saying that to get me out. I believe neither one of us is ready for marriage but I thought after he throw it up a few times about moving together in thepast .I could push it too.. no he wasn't going there. He wanted to be alone. I died right there in his house.. because I knew I right then I lost my best friend and my lover that I had such a connection with.
I believe he is in love with me or why would have he invited me to his house and wanted to lay on the couchor wasted any time that week with me after he found his ex to be sorry.. so he could say I don't love you. The dots don't connect and maybe I won't ever know. I do know that I can't wait until I wake up and my heart don't beat out my chest.. I do know that.
Thanks for your comments.. I guess talking has been huge, now the healing process. I pray he comes back to me but if he don't I will move forward in time.

I think you need to accept, you want a whole different life than he wants, and that it may take years, if ever to be on the same page. Build your own life, as neither of you work very well together.