I can't think of a time in my life when I have ever been able to socialise or talk to people easily. I had counselling for a while but it made me feel self centred and even worse about myself because I don't have any problems in my life, apart from myself. Nearly 3 years ago I met my boyfriend and things changed because he was like me, and happy not to go out and be with other people. Sadly things didn't work out and I broke up with him around New Year. A month ago I discovered he was in a new relationship and had started going out every weekend to get drunk, which shocked me because I thought he felt the same as I did about that kind of thing and I felt almost betrayed, that he had spent all that time with me and obviously wanted to be like everybody else all along.

Since then I feel like I've been slipping back into the feelings I had before I met my ex. All I have ever wanted is to belong and I just feel constantly alone. I have a few friends but I never see them outside college, and I tend to befriend one person who connects themselves with their own friendship circle. This means I float between friendship groups talking to the one person I made friends with in that group, but I can never get along with anyone else in any of these groups. So whilst my few friends belong to their friendship circles, I feel like I'm always on the outside and have nowhere to go. It makes me really sad to hear about all the fun they have together and I wish I was included, but I feel that the other members of the groups don't like me being around. I could never imagine myself going out to socialise and even if I was lucky enough to be asked I don't think I could go because I'm so scared of being laughed at.

I just feel like I'm sinking deeper into myself and my pessimism about the world and I wish I could break out of it. I hate society and don't want to be a part of it but at the same time I long to meet others like me and have some friends, somewhere to belong. Spending so much time alone has made me selfish and I know nothing but myself and my feelings. I wish I had someone to share something with but I am always on my own.

Sorry for rambling, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

Anon,

This seems like a normal growth experience to me, A rite of passage.

Similar people to yourself are just where you are, inside themselves,looking for the other people outside themselves from behind closed doors. Sound insane? It is!

How do I know this, I spend most winters isolated(almost 30 years of it so far)and crave the need for the 'others'. Do I have an answer for you,perhaps ,perhaps not.

If your onscreen name is also your age(17) I can guess you might need to get out to find a new kind of hobby that involves many others with some kind of similar needs or interests.

I hope this helps a little,

KBC

Thank you KBC, I am 17 and I have tried new hobbies but it seems that I only share interests with much older people (eg. Rambling and wildlife conservation). But it is reassuring to know I'm not the only one :)

Humans are social creatures and are generally happiest in communal situations. Sounds like for whatever reason you have been isolating yourself from that side of life.

A beginning might be to connect with some of those older people with similar interests. You don't need to be looking for a love interest, just some human connections. Form the way you describe yourself, any sort of positive connection would be a step in the right direction. Older people probably play fewer games than younger people... but not always. They are likely more confident in who they are.

Another suggestion is to look back and try to understand how you got this way. What happened in your life to make you withdraw? Figuring out what that is might point toward a path for getting out of it.

I suppose I could... but by older I mean 30 years older than me. I get the feeling they wouldn't be too comfortable getting to know a 17 year old very well, they seem to view me as a small child sometimes hehe.

I really don't know why I'm like this, although my counsellor seemed to think it had something to do with my dad leaving home when I was three. Maybe this is why I'm reluctant to get close to people because I can't stand the pain of rejection, so I'd rather not risk it at all.

That sounds like a reasonable defensive response, but unless you are very lucky, you won't find anyone in life to make you happy.

30 years older... no threat. They are like grandparents. I'd say it is worth a try. If it seems to you that they treat you like a child, it's probably for one of two reasons. First, it might have been so long since they interacted with young people, they don't know how anymore. Second, they might be looking, say on TV, and aren't crazy about what they see as the "lifestyles of the young and restless."

If they will interact with you, this couldn't be easier. They have a lifetime (so far) of info on rambling and wildlife conversation. Most people would want to share it. It is very likely they will be a bit surprised that a young person is interested in the things they are interested in. Put them in the role of honored teacher and you be the interested student. You'll probably have to do it in stages. At first, they will wonder what you are up to. Just like you don't think you can trust anyone over 30, they don't think the can trust anyone under 30. If you are interested in those things, ask questions. Let the questions roll into other questions, but try your best to let them do the talking... at least in the beginning.

A last point... everyone you meet and want to know in life won't be as important as you dad. In a normal life, you'll have many acquaintances, some close friends and a few people you love. Losing anyone isn't fun, but loved ones have a far greater impact, especially if you accept some guilt for them leaving. All little kids think that when their parents leave, it was their fault. Usually, it is just the opposite is true. Usually, the parents who leave stayed longer than they wanted to because of the kids.

It might be hard to see this now, but in the next few years, it will make more sense.

I will try to follow your advice with the older people, you made sevral really good points there. And what you said about my dad certainly rings true.

Thank you so much for your help :)