Hi,

I don't know how to begin.

I'm so depressed it's not easy to write all this pain inside.

The only reason I'm alive is due to my survival instinct only.

This might sound weird, but I'm Pisces and that's just for the record.

I'm also a lonely son to my parents, I'm 32 now, my birthday was a few days back.

I come from a family that was never happy, my parents continue to fight daily since I was 1 year old. They were never happy, my dad cheated on my mom a lot and all she did to recover was telling me what he did when I was 3 years old and till I reached 18.

I've grown to hate my dad, and hate the fact that he was never faithfull. I also hate that he doesn't know what a family is. He never taught me anything and left me on my own. His existence in my life was just in terms of financial support and nothing else.. I don't know what a father is. I feel I'm an orphan.

In school an during my youth, my only hobbies were reading and studying. I had no interest in girls or rather I was interested but didn't have the courage to approach anyone. I had no self worth.

I had no self worth ever, because I'm overweight. In my childhood, my mom used to stuff me with food even though if I'm full. I tried to tell her many times that I'm full but she'd stuff it in my mouth saying I need to eat to be healthy. I turned out to be an obese child since I was 4 years old. I lost myself worth day after day as I looked at other boys who were fit and healthy.

My mom is miserable too. As for helping me get overweight, till today, she only knows how to show love by cooking us food and making us eat it.

My dad, is living in his own world. He's separated from us, though he lives with us as a father. He's married her too young and found out she's now what he imagined her to be.

By 16 years old, I developed the habit to eat, wheneve I'm lonely or depressed.

I managed to live with my hobbies, feeling empty as days pass by. I longed for a hug or a kiss, I craved a soul with whom I can find love. I was 18 and full of dreams. I went to college and dropped out after two years because I was too focused on finding love than getting a degree.

As a kid, I would top my class in school. But after I dropped out of college, I self studied and climbed high in my career. From a system analyst, to an IT manager, business dev. Manager, marketing and sales manager, general manager etc

I can't complain when it comes to my career, I just failed everything else. I sought a relationship where I would love a special tender caring woman and marry her. But I had no luck in any of my experiences.

First love, never worked out because we were too young. Second relationship, she cheated on me. Third relationship, she cheated on me. Then I got married, to someone and got a child, only to find out that she's a control freak and wants to be the boss in the house. We kept on arguing daily, then I found out she doesn't love me. She dragged me through courts for two years. We divorced with me crying at nights alone for 4 months.

With a twist of magic, I realized I never loved my wife - because she didn't love me - and I felt much better knowing that I have a chance now at finding real love. So I fall again in a relationship, I get cheated on and I leave her.

I was so depressed then, I was having nervous breakdowns every few days. The terrible thing is that when I'm in a relationship, I'd love the other person so sincerely, take care of them, think about them all the time and do everything I can to make them feel special.

I guess I was too much to handle, all the love I had in my heart was beyond their power to handle probably. I don't know, but none of the girls I were with actually cared, they were always self centered. Selfish and cold.

I was persuaded by my intellect that it was my bad luck to have been with the wrong women all along. So it finally happened and I met this special one.. I was 28 and she was 20.. she was in college and full of life. Sweet, innocent and very immature (I found out lately that it was a bad thing).

We fell in love. She knew I had a daughter that was at the time 1 year old. She was studying in college in another country and I had to fly to her to see her. So over 3 years, we had a love relationship that was the meaning to my life. I did everything in the world to make this relationship work. I would fly to her twice a month for two, three days. Talk to her long distance calls everyday for at least an hour... and many many things. I loved her with all my heart. I was protecting her and guiding her all the way. We were supposed to get married when she comes back. She used to come back every 6 months for two weeks which was nice. She kept our relationship a secret because she believes her family will be against it, since I'm a divorced guy with a daughter

Anyway, during all those years, she kept lying to me. She was going out with other guys without telling me. She would lie when I find out, we would fight and little by little things got nasty. I was tired of all the lies and I kept trying to fix it but the more I try it got worse. Finally I found out about her being with a guy in college kissing and stuff. I found out when she lied to me, so I asked her friend - whom I knew - and she told me about that.

That's when I broke down again. I told her and she denied so I called her sister, who knew me faguely and told her to help me out. When her sister interferred, she admitted her fault and cried for two days so I would take her back.

I forgave her, but now we were officially on the edge. She kept lying about similar stuff and I kept reminding her of what she's done to me. Things were very bad, so I flu again and we met and I supposedly made it work.

To make a point clear here, she didn't cheat on me. She was just immature and didn't know what love is. She was full of life and wanted to have lots of boyfriends and experience her fantasies. She's a child and you can't expect much when that's the case, but I didn't know till recently.

She came back home for good, 6 months ago. After two weeks she broke up with me saying her family will not agree on me and stuff like that. I broke down again. I think of suicide a lot but I always suppress that thought because I can't destroy what I have not created in the first place. For my body and soul belong to god and I can't harm his humble creation.

Did I mention that when I knew her, I dropped 80 pounds and became fit for the first time in my life for two years. I was a different man, a very confident man. But now, after she left me, they piled back on, because it was the only way I could torture myself without killing myself.

I'm living in depression, because I am romantic and won't let go of her love. I fought to keep her, but she kept torturing me for four months by not returing my calls and I kept sending her messages about how selfish and cheating she is.

Now, after six months of self torture, depression, self worthlessness and a 100% belief that I will never find love and will have to live this life on my own, I decided to write this post.

I am miserable, yet I am the only supportor for both my mom, dad and daughter. I can't kill myself and I don't want too. But I can't let go, I believe I can never love again and I have developed a complex attitude towards love and marriage.

I am naïve probably, not your average hip kind of guy.. I believed in love, but now I don't. I believed in life but now I don't. I believed in myself - at least on the career level - but now I don't.

I don't want to ever love again, yet I don't want to be alone and depressed all the time, what should I do?

By the way, this is my side of the story and I'm sorry I can't give you the other side too but if I could, I'd say in the last 6 months I was so in rage that I destroyed this relationship completely... after she broke up, I totally lost it and my messages on her cell phone were really nasty. So as you see, I am good most of the time but when I get so hurt, I'm won't be myself anymore.

Welcome to AMHD, where you can read, write, console, and enjoy a lot.

I would like to introduce you to two wonderful writers:

Susan Jeffers: Susan Jeffers :: Home (http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/index.cfm)
And
Thomas Hodges: Doc Love (http://www.doclove.com/about_doc_love.htm)
Enjoy and feel good again.

Thank you.

Is there a better section to probably repost my story? I noticed not many are interested in helping me out, so I think it's either posted in he wrong section or the story itself is too weird & long.

I read your entire story. Do you like to read Le Carre books?

Have you ever gone to a counselor?

Thank you.

Is there a better section to probably repost my story? I noticed not many are interested in helping me out, so I think it's either posted in he wrong section or the story itself is too weird & long.
I think it is the time of day, or night, so be patient; the angels will be out tomorrow.

Hey! I'm here!

George, thank you again :)

Wondergirl, no I've never been to a counselor.. the idea crossed my mind a gazillion times though.. but every time that happened, I drop it..

I read one or two of Le Carre books, but I can't remember which ones.. I'm a big fan of mystery and espionage novels.

Forgot to ask, which Le Carre novel do you recommend?

It's late. I meant Ludlum--your screen name "bourneultimatum".

I've never read Le Carre but I've heard most are good. Have you read Ken Follett?

Would you consider going to a counselor?

You still there?

No I haven't read Ken Follett.

I'm a fan of the bourne character, hence the moniker.

I don't want to go to a counselor, for many reasons. I don't like to show my weakness to people. I also don't like discussing my personal issues with a stranger. I don't like being told to 'move on' or get more connected 'with god'. I don't take advice very well, for I believe, I should give it rather than take it. I believe I should figure out my problems on my own. No counselors will make me 'move on' or 'forget'.. if I don't want to.

If you've seen Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, I have a similar attitude.

The whole problem is in my heart, I believe in love, but no one around does.

And by love, I mean tenderness, faithfullness, sacrifice, forgiveness etc.. The whole package.

no I haven't read Ken Follett.

I'm a fan of the bourne character, hence the moniker.

I don't want to go to a counselor, for many reasons. I don't like to show my weakness to people. I also don't like discussing my personal issues with a stranger. I don't like being told to 'move on' or get more connected 'with god'. I don't take advice very well, for I believe, I should give it rather than take it. I believe I should figure out my problems on my own. No counselors will make me 'move on' or 'forget'.. if I don't want to.

If you've seen Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, I have a similar attitude.

The whole problem is in my heart, I believe in love, but no one around does.

I gathered that, about the bourne character.

But haven't you been showing your "weakness" to people all these years gone by? And with a counselor you will be able to "discuss" only as much as you wish to "discuss". We're past all that Freudian stuff with word associations and depth therapy (digging into your psyche).

The counseling I do is problem oriented--brief, explicit, specific. There are many other counselors who operate the same way.

And we don't talk about God unless the client wants to, and then only as he wishes to talk about God. We just follow along and be good listeners, active listeners.

No man is an island. Why figure out problems on your own? I don't at my library job. I bet you don't at your job. Why not have a counselor as a sounding board to brainstorm with?

Oh, and counselors don't give advice. The client is in control. The client decides how to solve his problems. The counselor's solutions are good for the counselor but not for the client. For instance, a counselor could possibly solve a client's problems in jig time (isn't that always the way? Someone else's problems are a piece of cake to figure out), but he'd be a fool to do things the counselor's way. He has to find his own path. All the counselor does is hold the flashlight.

Wondergirl, thank you for taking the time to reply ^_^


We're past all that Freudian stuff with word associations and depth therapy (digging into your psyche).

The counseling I do is problem oriented--brief, explicit, specific. There are many other counselors who operate the same way.

I need some guidance first. I need to know how severe my condition is. Can you please tell me how bad on a scale from 1 to 10? Judging by my story and how I narrated it.

I took an online depression test the other day, which had 10 questions. I answered 8 of them with 'yes' and I got the result that I have severe depression. Is that true? Or am I just a normal guy who's depressed because of a troubled love life?

Am I too sensitive? Dreamy? Weak? Naïve? Out of this world?

The worst of it, is that I don't know the answer.

Should counseling only be face to face, can I have it online?


But haven't you been showing your "weakness" to people all these years gone by?

No one actually knows those feelings except my mom, probably dad and my ex girlfriend. I don't let anyone into my problems. But lately it shows, because I can't smile and I don't go out except between office, home and grocery stores.

I always hide any pain with sarcasm and jokes.

To begin with, on the topic of love, you've got to learn to love yourself first. That will be hard for you to do since nobody else loved you in your youth, at least not in a healthy manner. But nobody else will love you unless you love yourself. Keep in mind that the more you do for others, the less they'll do for themselves and the less they'll do for you. Now I'm not suggesting that you should treat others like crap. But since you are on your own right now, save for your daughter, put yourself first. I honestly think that if you do so, and give off some vibes of self-importance, you'll be less inclined to hook up with women who cheat and otherwise take advantage of you. I'm willing to bet that you're feeling so needy that you tolerate literally anything from any woman who'll pay some attention to you. And that brings me to my second point. Although you may think you're being loving and accommodating, in their eyes it makes you look weak and unmanly so yes, they will cheat and take advantage of you and ultimately lose respect and love for you. While having a desire to love and be love is a good thing, having an insatiable need for love is never healthy. Regardless of what you may think you've missed out on in your youth, you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with life. You've been successful professionally and that's a good thing and you can use that to your advantage. But you need to convince yourself that you don't need a woman's love, that you can live without it. I know it sounds ironic but once you adopt such a mindset you'll find that you'll attract good women who'll relate to you in healthy ways. Work on yourself physically also. Take steps to address your overeating issues by changing your diet to include fewer calories and more healthy foods like fruit, vegetables and complex carbohydrates. And start exercising ; walking, running, weight training ; whatever you can do conveniently. Make that your first priority as opposed to pursuing a woman's love. Become your own best friend. Your life will do a complete, 180-degree turnabout for the better.

Hey man great story. Very touching.. it seems you kind of take pleasuer in feeling this way. You write it with shuch pasion. It seems you like to be the lonely soul as it were.

But here's the thing your not alone :) first things first you have to feel better about yourself get this concept of having someone in your life to make you happy.

Go to the gym work out take charge of your life don't blame your mom on your overweight issues. Yes she might have helpt. But now you can help yourself and lose the wieght. Its never to late to start!

Once you lose about 20 to 30 pounds you'll start feeling a lot better. Make a new Working on yourself hobbie. And not trying to finding someone to be happy. Because you are putting your happines in the hands of another. And we all know that never works out..


Yeah you had a bad childhood most of us have. But as a wise person once said to me. If you fall down on the street.. you don't just lie there do you? No you get up and keep walking.

So... Walk man don't pitty yourself, because you will never get out of this rut. You have people here that are willing to listen and to help you out. Even if the advice sometimes isn't what you want to hear.

So Rule 1 Work on yourself. I can not stress how important this is. I use to be a big kid when I was younger then I lost the weight now I'm. Well kind of full of myself but that's another story :)... You know how good you feel as you said you lost 80 pounds but yeah you get upset again and it came back on. Well welcome to the human race it happens.

Keep at it :) learn to love yourself more no matter what comes, and another thing ill say

Your whole life seems to be built around finding a women and loving her and all this ideal movie crap

Women are a part of your life. They are not your life..

I hope things work out for you man

Regards

You are not the first guy with parents, who didn't teach coping, or people skills, nor are you the first, to not have loving examples, of parenthood. The good news is, if your willing you can learn these skills and many more. First off, stop feeling sorry for yourself, because you have made mistakes. We all have, and not just in love, in many areas of life.

Become your own best friend.
Love yourself, for who you are, is excellent advice. Don't trust a magazine test to figure it out. See a real doctor, and get the truth, and go from there, as we all have our issues, and have to deal with it, in a positive realistic way. You are no different than the rest of us, so get over that.


Your whole life seems to be built around finding a women and loving her and all this ideal movie crap


Life is real, and movies, are not and you've had enough experience to adjust your own love life, and quit trying so hard for the love thing. Instead of being sappy and scared, go back and see what your actions were, and the choices you made, to get the results you did. That simple, and its called learning from your mistakes. We all do that too, by the way.
You have a daughter, and a job, so your way ahead of the average loser, who has nothing to motivate him, so recognize your priorities, and be a better dad to your daughter, than your dad was to you. That alone will keep you busy, productive, and happy, as this is a lifelong relationship, that you can cultivate. Stay busy with that, as I suspect she needs a lot from you dad, as she grows to adult hood. Maybe you don't know how to love yourself, but its not hard to learn, as you build a life that you enjoy, and fill it with good folks, that enjoy doing what you do. Easy as pie, but hard work, trust me. So get busy, and start building, and love yourself for a change, and don't be your own worst enemy, as you love yourself enough, to be happy with who you are, then someone will want to share it with you, and so it starts with you. Get busy.

Wondergirl, thank you for taking the time to reply ^_^
You're welcome.


I need some guidance first. I need to know how severe my condition is. Can you please tell me how bad on a scale from 1 to 10? Judging by my story and how I narrated it.
No, because I don't know you and haven't seen you to listen to how you talk and the words you use and the tone of your voice and your body language and your facial expressions and your eye contact or lack of it. I can be depressed and write an upbeat story, just as I can be upbeat and write a depressing story. You may be a budding novelist or a serious autobiographer. I don't know which at this point.


I took an online depression test the other day, which had 10 questions. I answered 8 of them with 'yes' and I got the result that I have severe depression. Is that true? Or am I just a normal guy who's depressed because of a troubled love life?
I surely wouldn't go with an online test to decide for me who I am. I took an online IQ test and failed it, but have been a Mensa member for years. Maybe I was preoccupied when I took the online test. Maybe I was brain-dead that day. I know who I am and what I am capable of.


Am I too sensitive? Dreamy? Weak? Naïve? Out of this world?
Again, I don't know you.


The worst of it, is that I don't know the answer.
Then we're in the same boat.


Should counseling only be face to face, can I have it online?
The best is face to face. Then the counselor can see you and you can see the counselor--body language, facial expressions, eye contact. It's easier to make an emotional and mental connection that will aid in the counseling process.

There are other ways too. About fifteen years ago I wanted to turn over a new leaf in my life. I did some research and found Life Coaches who did the coaching thing by phone. I called three and conducted an interview with each to find out who might work out best for me. I clicked with one and she telephone-coached me for three months--one hour a week, $50 per hour. She asked good questions and actively listened to my answers. We brainstormed and strategized and went over the homework that she gave me each week. The three months ended and I was on my own, scared but ready to turn over that new leaf. And I did, and in an even better way than I had originally wanted to.

Online could work too, via email and IMing. Whatever floats your boat. There are counselors out there who will do whatever it takes to help make a difference in people's lives.

One of my clients didn't want to talk about her private stuff to me but for some reason was willing to journal throughout her week and then let me read her journal. That was an interesting variation, and it ended up working well for both of us.

So, are you willing to explore the possibilities in counseling?

Thank you all for the great advice and thoughtful words.


I'm willing to bet that you're feeling so needy that you tolerate literally anything from any woman who'll pay some attention to you

That's the story of my life, I couldn't agree more.


Your whole life seems to be built around finding a women and loving her and all this ideal movie crap

You've hit the jackpot, that's definitely me.


it seems you kind of take pleasure in feeling this way. You write it with such passion. It seems you like to be the lonely soul as it were

I have tons of deprived passion in my heart, so I guess it shows in my writing. I really don't like to be a lonely soul, because long periods of solitude lead me to severe depression.


I can be depressed and write an upbeat story, just as I can be upbeat and write a depressing story

That's very wise, I can't agree more.


So, are you willing to explore the possibilities in counseling?

I will start looking for a good counselor.


In the end, I want to say that all of you have given me a really good advice and now it's time for me to try and start loving myself and stop looking for love across the border. I have no idea how, but I will start by losing weight, and hopefully gaining more self worth, and then who knows maybe I'll meat somebody who'd appreciate me.. and for the record, I'll cut down on the emotions and caring part so probably this time the boat won't drown or drift aimlessly with one passenger on board.

I will start looking for a good counselor.

Yyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!

Please let us know how things are going. You have support here, your own personal cheering section.

Yyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!

ROFL :D