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Brief history... My ex of 4 years dumped me a year ago because she said she wasn't in love with me anymore. After weeks of trying to get her back, I went no contact about 8 months ago. Since then she called me once on xmas to wish me good wishes...

Then, last week I received an email from her, telling me she just bought a new house and because it's a big thing in her life she wanted to share the news with me. And that she hoped I was doing well and that we could stay in touch because it's important to her to know that I am well. I just responded by saying I'm good thanks, congrats, blah blah blah... kept it short and to the point, and haven't heard anything since.

But now I can't get it out of my head. Can someone please explain what she wants? The last thing I want to do is get shot down again, and I can't be friends with her, because even after this long I'm still in love with her.

Thanks for any help.

Oh and on a side note, I'm pretty sure she hasn't dated anyone since we broke up.

Don't read too much into it, maybe she just wanted to mend the pieces and be friendly.. The last thing you want to do is go an immediately think she did this because she wants you back. Just play it cool, if she e-mails back maybe ask her to go and get a cup of coffee and catch up on each others lives. Take it slow, and expect the friends zone.

Thanks Romefalls,

Do you think I should continue doing what I'm doing for the time being? In other words, no contact initiated on my part (not even on b-days and big events), and only reciprocate when she contacts me?

Yea, only respond to her e-mails and keep them brief. Do you want to get back with her or is this just a confusion thing on your part?

Decide if you want to be her friend. If you don't, don't reply to her contacts anymore.

If you do, then start thinking like a FRIEND. Slap yourself in the face every time you start thinking "oogly" stuff about her. She's a FRIEND. Cut it out. If you can't control this, then you can't be her friend.

Lastly, decide you can't be her friend but are interested in stirring the dating waters and give it a go. But this is you two starting completely over and you should behave accordingly. Your expectations should be appropriate for a brand new relationship. No taking for granted your past.

If you stir those waters and she doesn't follow suit, you have that answer, too. Move on and go back to No Contact. No harm done.

It's confusion because I would get back with her... but not without reservations. Not going to dive in and put myself through that again to end up dissapointed and hurt. She told me when we first broke up that we should go our separate ways because she can't be friends with me, because she couldn't take seeing me with someone else. Maybe I am reading into it too much, I'm not sure...

Anyway, bottom line. I would get back with her in a heartbeat. But I wouldn't let her know that, and I would only try it, until I knew she felt the same way (because of the way the relationship ended, with her pushing me away). Other then that, I don;'t think I could ever be friends with her, because my feelings are to strong for her.

Extra info... we're both in our early 30s.

Shake off the dramatic impulses. Shake off the dramatic memories. You're not interested in her friendship but are interested in a new relationship?

Call her on the phone. No pressure, just a simple "I've gotten your notes and appreciate them. I'd love to have lunch sometime to catch up. You interested in that at all?"

Listen to her response, even a yes might be bad, so listen carefully. Do what seems right next. You really have to live in today, so courting her again as if it were all new is fine. Walking away is fine, too.

The worst that can happen is she destroys your heart utterly again, and you don't mind that, right? (consider carefully before proceeding)

Best handle your own feelings, before you even think about dealing with her, on any level.

If you still want her back you are vulnerable to do silly things in my opinion.

Comments on this post
talaniman agrees: Or at least, not see things for what they really are.

So true , you just said it better Tal :-)

Thanks friend4u and Tal,

The thing is I think I have handled my own feelings, but at the same time I don't think I'll ever stop having feelings for her. It doesn't mean I'm out of control like I was when we first broke up though. I'm strong enough go on without her (as I have this past year), and have accepted the end of the realationship. But at the same time I can't help getting a bit shaken up and questioning her motives every time she pops into my life out of the blue. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with that.

The way I figure my options are:

1) The end all approach: Tell her to leave me alone and never call me again.
2) The direct/honest approach: Confront her, ask her what's on her mind and tell her how I feel every time she just pops into my life and that if friendship is what she's looking for I can't do it.
3) Or The chance approach: Do nothing and wait and see what and if she does anything next.

That's pretty much what's on my mind.

Be unavailable until you have healed. Giving more attention to her than she deserves, is a sign of more work to be done, as a healthy person would be looking at her, and seeing the friend zone thing, but be to busy to be concerned, making her motives irrelevant.

Excellent response, thank you. Very insigntful, and helped me to put things back into perspective. I will do nothing, but keep working on myself. Thanks again.

Being a girl I can tell you
She`sz either thinking 2 thingsz

1) she really does miss you and wantsz to give it another try
2) she wantsz to fix up the past and make sure that theresz no hard feelingsz..

To add to this discussion, I like to point out some things to you.

You went out with this girl for 4 years and she dumped you. Women don't just dump guys, they let themselves down emotionally and prepare for the break up before it happens. So while she knew in advance the break up was coming she let you suffer which besides making her a bunch of things we can't say, it makes her farther along in the emotionally healing process. You got hit with loss and the shock that came with it. I think your doing fine after 4 years and should be giving yourself some credit that you have regrouped.

If she calls or emails I would not respond because it only gives her the idea that you two can be friends now after what she has done to you. In my opinion, she is not worth the friendship if that's how she treats you. More important then her, you do not deserve to suffer emotional set backs every time she contacts you and it reminds you of the past. You've given yourself the time to put some space between this situation now put yourself away from her to keep moving forward.

Thanks Aliya babie, I appreciate what you say, because I know girls and guys have different ways of interpreting these things. You think doing nothing is the right thing?

Thanks Chuff. You're completely right. The truth is at 32 I think she was going through an early mid life crisis at the time she broke up with me (still is). A lot of things she wanted to do that she hadn't and most of her friends have (ie. Travel on her own, go back to school, make more money, buy a car, house, etc.). And in the past year from what I know, she has accomplished all of it. Straight out she left me for selfish reasons... free up her time by cutting me off so she could do the things she wanted. I have mixed feelings about that.

Ok, here's the jist... Ex G/F broke up with me over a year ago. Since then she has called me two or three times and sent me a few emails recently (infact we spoke on the phone about a week ago). She's always very sweet and affectionate in our conversations, but it never leads anywhere. Always "how's it going, how's the family etc." I never ask her to meet and she never asks me. We haven't seen each other in over a year, and every time we have spoken, it has been her that contacted me. I have never innitiated anything in a year... not until a few days ago. I sent her a brief email for her b-day on Friday last week (as she called me on mine a few weeks ago). Friendly, nice and brief. The thing is I never received a response. And now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to seem insecure or put myself in a position to look as if I'm chasing her again by sending another email or calling to ask if she got it. However, she may have not got it because I have been having a bit of trouble with my email. But then, she's never not received one of my emails, and she always responds to me. Anyway, you get the idea. So my question is... What do you do in a situation like this?

1. Ask for confirmation?
2. Send it again?
3. Wait it out. Leave it alone and if we ever talk again (if she contacts me), then ask her?

Or is there another option I'm not thinking of. Any advise would really help me out. Thanks!

What was the email about?

Wishing her a Happy Birthday, hoping she's doing well. A little update about family, and that's about it.

I would under no circumstances ask her about the e-mail, she got it, let her contact next. B-day messages are like that in some circumstances, one gets so many calls and mails on their b-day they don't respond to them. Asking if she got it would indicate your interest in her reply, by doing nothing your being nice and polite but also not concerned with it so much (her that is).

Funny story about this. My brother and I were laughing about when you send a message to a girl and don't get a response, you always wonder if it went through? We talked about it yesterday and sure enough you think it too.. lol. Chances are they get EVERY message we send, we just want to avoid facing that reality and so we look for ways out. I'm sure your hotmail works and so do you.

Then again you can never be 100% sure. I'm convinced the message I sent in January was never received by my ex, rather than confirm the suspicion I just never called or messaged again:)

Wait and see. Chances are she got it.

It really depends whether the was any reason for a response.. like any follow up questions.. if it was just a birthday message she may not of felt the need to reply.. I never reply to birthday messages..

However I sent my ex an sms for her birthday just saying happy birthday have a good one.. and she replied "thanks".. But on the other hand if it was my birthday and she sent it to me I wouldn't of replied..

But no I wouldn't ask her about it would make it seem like you care too much

Jim.

Thanks everyone for your advise. I guess this is more common than I thought.

Yes, Jim, I think my email warranted a response, especially because I asked about one of her relatives. And not only that, but she always responds.

It's just that what puzzles me is she keeps contacting me and updating me on what's going on in her life. Really I don't know what she wants and I haven't asked. But she just pops in every few weeks or so. Anyway, that's hard because I still have strong feelings for this girl and this contact stirs it up more.

It was a 4 year relationship. We're both in our 30s, so it was pretty serious. But then things got a bit bitter with fights and then she had too much going on with grad school and work, so she decided that we go our separate ways.

Like I said, it's been a year now, and I'm still emotionally attached to her. What should I do? Just screw the emails and the games and call her and confront her... like tell her how I feel? Of should I leave this email as it is and just walk away and deal with it if she ever comes back?

After 4 years, you have a lot of healing to do, and if your still having feelings, you'll always have questions, and never be friends. If contact confuses you stop!

Thanks Talaniman. I did stop contacting her though. This email was the first time I did anything. It really wasn't until about March she's been contacting meagain. I guess I could have told her to stop, but I thought maybe it was going somewhere. Like I said before though, it was just brief conversations every few weeks since March... maybe 2 phone calls she made to me and 3 or 4 emails. Before that I never heard from her for Months, since we broke up last year in July.

You're right about the fact I can't be friends with her. So, do I tell her that next time she contacts me to say hi and check in on me to stop contacting me? Or do I ignore her? Because really I don't know what her intentions are and I'm not sure what to do after so long. I had made up my mind of no contact last year and I stuck by it, but after a year I never expected her to start contacting me again.

You don't have to, as those long explanations often lose there meaning, but you can be unavailable, and busy, as you disappear from her life. She probably is just seeing if your ready to be a friend, which your not, so being busy is your option, and let her wonder where you disappeared to.

I can see how those old feelings got stirred up again, and now you know you have to work harder on behalf of your own healing.

I hope you have a circle of friends, and activities in your life, as the last thing you want is to isolate yourself from the world, and opportunities to enjoy yourself.

Healing is all about being happy, without her in your life.

I wouldn't respond. She probably got your message. I wouldn't look into it. You're obviously still attached to her, and tal's right. Healing is about being happy without her in your life. It seems like keeping in contact with her has delayed any type of healing. For some people, it's just impossible to be friends with your ex. It seems like that is the case with you.

It's never too late to start the healing process. Best of luck!

Thanks guys,

Actually she did end up responding on the weekend. Said she hadn't got her emails and appologized for not responding sooner. It sounded sincere, but I never responded. From what I've heard from some mutual friends, she still has an interest in me and that's why she's hanging around. But she will not make a move because she's the one who left me (I think it's a pride thing... I don't know. Also she doesn't know if I'm seeing someone). So if anything she's hoping for me to ask her to meet up. I'm not sure what to do here. I mean, that information, could be wrong, and then if I were to do something and get shot down again, that would suck. Any advise how to pursue this?

Thanks again

she's the one who left me
Don't forget that either.


Any advise how to pursue this?


That's up to you , is she worth the risk or not and are her friends talking to her or not, and do you believe them or not? Lots of questions, no answers. How old are you both as this sounds like high school.

Thanks Tal, Actually we're in our 30s, haha... but I know what you mean. It's just one mutual friend who told me this about 2 weeks or so ago, only because I asked.