OMG, I know I'm opening up myself for all sorts of criticism here, but first off, you have to know that I'm a good person, good mom. I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being. I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.

Before putting my view I would lke to mention that this is purely my view and it may differ from person to person. Sex is an emotional attachment and it is only the concerned person who can control his emotions. Secondly you have to go by your conscious. If it says yo are doing somethng bad yo have to stop it. As far as the so called extra marital sex is concerned, it is mainly governed by the faith you follow, What I mean by this is that for example in Islam extra marital sex is strictly prohibited. I don't know about you. Still many people have different views about it. For them extra marital sex is not bad. I hope I have not hurt you and excuse me if I am rude in my answer.

OMG, I know I'm opening up myself for all sorts of criticism here, but first off, you have to know that I'm a good person, good mom. I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it ... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life ... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being. I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.
The fact you are posting and asking for advice is evidence that you are concerned about your behavior. Sounds like you want to end it so one way... is to anonymously tell the guys wife. No joke. Optionally you would have to confront your husband and tell him what has occurred. Forget the sex question for a moment - and think about the fact that you are lying to your husband and to god. With faith and commitment and love you can work through this.
Fantasizing about sex with someone else other than your partner is common but acting it out is crossing lines. By anonymously telling the other guys wife is help you end this from two angles - from your end and his end.
Bear in mind its small world - eventually this affair will come to light.
Your decision is do you confront and end it now or wait till it blows up out of your control.
Even now I don't know if my wife has cheated or is cheating on me in some physical way but I know I will continue to love her no matter what. Doesn't mean I will be okay with it. We are all sexual creatures and long for that enjoyment we can share with few individuals.

Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.
Don't be judgemental? Seriously? Do you not even know what your intelligent mind is FOR? It's to give you the power to judge. Critters in the field have sex instinctively, and with your intelligent mind safely packed away (so as not to be judgemental), you act on you're instincts without regard. That's not good. Don't make that requirement for us to interact with you. Judgements are what make life livable. Look what a pickle you're NOT using good judgement has done for you.

Sheesh, dear, if you want more out of your life, you have USE the tools at your disposal. If you're not even willing to do that for yourself, how can we help?

Everyone on this forum wants to enable the people with issues to find resolutions, but it has to start with your willingness to take accountability and control. If you're not willing to do either, then you're just wasting everyone's time.

Are you mad at me yet? I hope so, I'm trying to get you're attention. Do I have it? Good, let's look at your own words.

Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage?Uncommon, no. Unnatural? Well, marriage is a public commitment to fidelity. That's what it IS. It's a cultural state of being. So, since you GOT married, I'd say YES, it is unnatural. But no, it's not uncommon. A lot of people have no idea or intention of keeping their word to others, even people they love.

Are we meant to be monogamous?Only if you get married.

Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?Tell you what, ask your husband that question. He's the one you've promised to honor and cherish, so if he says "no, go for it" then you can feel absolved of your actions. I'd say YES, you can be sexaully fulfilled in your marriage (that's the one you love, right?) but not while you're sleeping with other men.

I'm a good person, good mom.Poppycock. This is pointless assertion, only OTHER people can make that assertion. You can't. And from where I stand, I tell people that goodness is not detemined by your intention in life, it's determined by your action. Good people honor their word, even when it means sacrifice. You promised to cleave to one man and are cleaving to others. Since that's not good and it is your action, then you're not good. At least not right now. You can be good, you've simply chosen not be. Fair enough. Just be honest and remember your actions speak for you.

The same for parenting... don't you do whatever you have to for your child including sacrifice? So what is your sacrifice? Instead of sacrificing something of yours (suppressing your sexually inappropraite desires for other men) your risking your child's heart and your position as "trusted parent" should your sexual activities become known.

Your behavior with this other man could (and should) completely destroy all credibility you have with your child if it's found out. To me, that doesn't sound like a good mom. Again, actions dictate the judgement, not your intent.

I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual.You bury the comment about having two kids in the middle of that story. Too bad. You should lead with that statement every time you talk about this. It might help you "be a good mom" and make better choices. Maybe?

You already know this whole affair wrong, else why post here looking for help? You know no one is actually going to tell you that it's OK. So let me tell you what you know: You're not some puppet on a sexual string. Your actions have consequences. You're seeking fleeting moments of intimacy and risking your entire life in doing so.

Of course we're going to tell you to cut it out. But you knew not to do it and did it anyway. So reasoning with you is probably a waste of time. I'd rather get you to just be honest with yourself and use words that more accurately depict your situation. Then maybe YOU can talk some sense into YOU.


We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me.Not a puppet. No strings. Nada. Zilch. You are doing it because you're being selfish and putting the need for orgasm and the thrill of the affair into your life. Totally understandable, a lot of people do it. Just stop that "I couldn't help it" stuff. Of course you could, but it's WAY more fun not to. So you CHOSE not to. It didn't happen to you, you drove the bus on that ride.


I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man.See, you DO know what's going on. That's something, isn't it? You're cultured mind is still tucked away in there somewhere. Maybe it will still do you some good.


Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing.I'm stuck. No idea how to respond here. Well, affairs are amazing, and condoms are awesome, so I guess everything is OK. (*sigh*)

I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being.Ending the affair means ending your sexuality. Wow, that's pretty empowering, isn't it? I told you before how easy it is to find ways to make our sins forgiveable, and you found a doozy.

You're sexuality isn't in jeopardy over this decision. Your responsbility FOR your sexuality is. You know you should end it and you know sexual interaction with your husband is going to be a long hard journey back to something meaningful, right? So, best to not even do the work since it's hard, best to just be a critter in the field responding to urges with no thought to anything else. See, if you're going to keep saying things like this to yourself, nobody can help you, not even you. You're a goner.

I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.<chuckle> Dearie, you don't have to tell him. He knows enough already.

There's a whole litany of information you need to gather getting ready to court your own husband again. The time and energy you're spending on this other guy could be spent on... nevermind, you're not there yet.

Just know that you are completely capable of

1) Being a faithful wife
2) Being a sexual being in your marriage
3) Being a good mom/role model
4) Being a good person

But you'll have to do those things IN THAT ORDER, starting now, before they'll all be true. Hard work, great reward, great judgements, things in the right priorities... You can do it.

Only you, though.

Well, you have to look at the pros and cons. The pros are the sex, and the fact that it makes you feel attractive. The cons are: you could ruin your marriage if he finds out, if he finds out he could divorce you and then your kids would have to deal with that, you are doing something you know is wrong, you made a vow and now you are breaking it, and there could be the chance of pregnancy or stds(condoms can break).

I think one thing that might help would be for you to talk to a counselor. You can see one by yourself and it's 100% confidential. I think what you said here says a lot about why you are doing this:

At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it ... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life ... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being.


If you felt like you weren't connecting with your husband emotionally or physically, then that could have a lot to do with why you feel you can't stop the affair. Sex with this other guy makes you feel attractive and sexual, and you weren't feeling that way in your marriage. If you want to stay married, counseling for both of you might help you to reconnect with your husband. Just because you didn't have that intimacy with your husband before doesn't mean that you can't. Also, you can accept yourself as a sexual being and still end the affair. You are a sexual being, everyone is. But this isn't just about sex, it's also about marriage vows. I think talking to a counselor might help you with the decisions you are going to have to make.

OMG,
Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Let me see, how do you think his wife would answer these ?'s
How do you think your husband would react?

I think your answer is in those two questions.

To put it in one sentence, you are lacking self discipline and allowing your hormones to run you.
Two sentences, you are not rationally thinking of the real life consequences that COULD happen.

Sounds like you want to end it so one way...is to anonymously tell the guys wife. No joke. Optionally you would have to confront your husband and tell him what has occurred. Forget the sex question for a moment - and think about the fact that you are lying to your husband and to god. With faith and commitment and love you can work through this.


I would NEVER TELL HIS WIFE... To me, that is between him and his wife... I (obviously) have my own issues to deal with.

As for God... I'm not lying, as He already knows. I am lying to my husband.

I do appreciate your reply. Thank you.

I agree the last thing you want is to tell his wife even anonymously.
That would be as bad or worse than you telling your husband.

You need to put yourself in his wife's shoes and think of her when you get the urge to be with him.
Picture her loving him just as you do and even more cause she loves him for more than just the sex.

BetterThanThis agrees: Thank you for your well thought out reply... I'm humbled that you would take the time. (especially considering your opinion on my actions).I hope you realize we all want you to have a full and rewarding life. That's why here I don't bother coddling, you can get that from your local friends/family. I hope you really think about it and start looking for the ways you put yourself back in charge of becoming the good person you envision for yourself.

***** something went wrong with the post, it was not readable, it appears it was a cut and paste that had fonts but the commands were showing, instead of making the effects.

I edited it out, please correct or report

Ok, no judgement

Just stop, it is a addiction of some sort, since it can't be love, if it is only sexually, get you and your husband counseling to include sexual relationship, maybe a weekend retreat.

If not, divorce your husband, let him have the child and go with your other life all you want. Your husband deservses better.

I will continue reading all of your replies until some of it 'sinks' in. Thank you to everybody who took the time. I will take some time away from my lover to gain perspective on my life and the lies I'm telling to my husband. Hopefully my rational being will take over. Honestly, I've felt the same way as many of the responders have felt in the past. I just know that after some time has passed I will let my guard down and meet him again (because I've 'broken up' with him at least 3 times before with the intention of being a good person). Honestly, I [F]want to be good... but then I feel drawn to my 'dark side' and think... what's the big deal...
Of course, when I answer that question, it's hard to defend. I imagine explaining all of this to my husband, and I feel like a shmuck. I love him very much, but don't feel physically attracted to him...

I could not have said it better myself JBeaucaire.

I could not have said it better myself JBeaucaire.
LOL, thanks. I have to believe though that I could have said it with more brevity. Hehe.

OMG, I know I'm opening up myself for all sorts of criticism here, but first off, you have to know that I'm a good person, good mom. I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it ... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life ... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being. I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.
It honestly sounds like you are addicted to this man. If it is purely sexual... buy a dildo or vibrator. How is this fair to the person you made vows too. I'm not a christian but I believe that when you take those vows with someone... you are committing your soul to that person... also... what the hell do you think your daughters would think? Having a family isn't all about you. It's about making sure that your children come before you... about making sure that they always ALWAYS have good rolemodels to look up to. I am not saying you are a good person... but you need to own up to this to your husband... there are either two things that can happen... he will leave you and you two will get a divorce... or you two will work it out. You actions always have consequences. You need to tell him... if he decides to divorce you... then that is your consequence for your action... so don't pull the "poor me" card. He deserves to know. You made a binding agreement with him the day you became his wife. Even if you have messed up... apart of being with someone is being honest... even when you don't want to. If you had the balls to cheat on your husband for a year... you should have the balls to tell him. How would you feel if he was doing this to you? Would you leave him? Honestly? OK... so now that that part of what I wanted to say is over... I support you... whatever your decision... I support you. I think it would be the right and best thing to do if you told him... but I am here for you... and I wish you the best and I hope everything can be worked out... with your husband. BUT you don't just need to get things right with your husband... you need to get things right with YOU. This is all coming from me... and I don't believe in marriage. It will take time, don't hesitate to reply me. You have a lot of courage for putting yourself out here like this, and I recognize that. I wasn't meaning to judge you or bash you.. some people just need to hear something's sometimes to wake up.




WAKE UP AND FACE THE MUSIC

Time to choose here.

If your relationship with your husband is missing intimacy its time to work on that. Or not. If you are willing to seek counseling to save your marriage, do it. If he is willing, great. If either isn't willing, its done.

The problem I have with this arrangement, outside of the little issue of kicking vows to the curb and lying and sexual deceit (tho who knows, he might have left you first emotionally and sexually) is that getting yours on the side isn't going to satiate you... otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

And it isn't fair to him. Sure... he could be a sexless jerk who doesn't pay you attention or show any intimacy... that doesn't mean he shouldn't get the chance to find a person who is more of a match.

So... time to do the right thing. You've been bold enough to step out of your marriage. Time to be bold enough to take steps to honestly fix it or get out. This isn't about what is comfortable or convenient for you. The truth is the truth. People live through much worse than infidelity or the failure of a marriage.

You get to chose the person you are.

So own your choice. All in or all out. In the middle is just hoping someone will make your choice for you.

JB, this is an awsome answer.

Facts: You are not a good person. You are a liar and a cheat. You are slowly destroying two marriages.

I only see one solution to this.
1. Stop seeing the other married man.
2. Confess to your husband and ask for his forgiveness
3. If he decides to stay in the marriage, get counseling
4. Act like you are in love in front of your children

Sorry to sound offensive but I don't really care about your feelings. My only concern is for the children in both marriages that could possibly be affected. Stop thinking of yourself and think of the kids for a change.

Well... what can I say! Most of it's already been said.

Should this get out not only have you ruined your own marriage but also the marriage of this guy your having it off with, not to mention your two beautiful daughters. I suspect he also has children as well.
Should this come to the fore and you can bet it will ( truth always surfaces) you will have broken up two homes between you and ruined your children's lives, have you no conscience? Is it worth it for a bit on the side cause that's all it is... cheap sex...

I suggest you try a lot harder to sort out your marriage or what is left of it, as for your sexual fantasies... if you paid more attention to your husband then they would be fulfilled with in your marriage.

Is it really worth risking your marriage for? I want you to ask yourself that question. How would you feel if your husband did the same to you? You would feel hurt. Do what feels right. You need to make some major decisions. Take some time and think this situation through before having another meeting.

It's official... I'm officially not a good person, I'm so messed up I don't even know what to do. I met another man... had sex with him. Slept with my first 'lover' the next day. I just got home from meeting a guy I don't even know his name... had sex with him. I feel hopeless, worthless and aweful and don't know why I'm doing this. Why am I wrecking my life?

Maybe you should go to a sex therapist for people who have your type of problem.

You need to seek counseling and fast! You also need to tell your husband. What you are doing is not fair to him or your family at all.

You are having sex with random strangers - are you protecting yourself? I would also plan on getting tested for any STD's you may have picked up and could possibly transmit to your husband.

My boyfriend's mother cheated on his father when my boyfriend was in his early teens. (Not to mention that his mother was cheating with his best friend's father). My boyfriend is now 25 and is insanely jealous with trust issues.

My point - if you keep cheating, you will seriously ruin the lives of those in your family - and your "lover's" family.

If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, then divorce him.
If you do want to be with him - STOP CHEATING.

I have to wonder how you could even live with the guilt of knowing that you have been sleeping around behind your husband's back. It's not like you're dating the man... you're MARRIED.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, or rude... but think about the pain you're causing - even if he doesn't "know" that you're cheating, I'm sure he can sense that something is not right.

Do you remember your wedding vows? They say it all. And you spoke them .

Now it is time to stick to them and stop the cheating.

The person your are demeaning is yourself. Please both you and your partner are busy trashing two marriage. Yours and His.

it's official ... i'm officially not a good person, i'm so messed up i don't even know what to do. i met another man ... had sex with him. slept with my first 'lover' the next day. i just got home from meeting a guy i don't even know his name ... had sex with him. i feel hopeless, worthless and aweful and don't know why i'm doing this. why am i wrecking my life?

BetterThanThis, I love your user name. I bet if you keep saying and believing "I am Better than this" you will solve at least 80% of your problems. Before reading the above quoted post, I had a different POV, however, I am now baffled. Obviously, there is a deep rooted issue somewhere.

I just have to ask these questions:

1.) What made you go to the other man while still being involved with the first married man?

2.) What type of agreement did you have with the other man and how was the sex?

3.) How did you feel after sleeping with your first lover?

4.) What led you to meet the nameless man and how was the sex?

5.) Finally, with this sex-capade, are you still having sex with your husband?

If I can't think of anything else to say, just know that "YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS", and you already know it!

Michelle

... but most of all... HOW WAS THE SEX!!
:p :p :p :p :p :p
(ignore me)

To the people who tell me how wrong I am, that I took vows, I should just stop cheating... I KNOW! God, I know. Something's just not right inside my head right now... the advise to just stop is probably enough reason for you... but when you are confused like I am... it just doesn't help me.

Michele... your sweet inspirational words are so welcome to me in my desperate state... THANK YOU! I will answer your questions:

1. I went to the 'other' man because I was not achieving the intimacy I desired with the first man I am/was sleeping with. It didn't happen with the 'other' man either.
2. The agreement with the second man was to try to find this 'intimacy' that I lack in my life... the sex was nice, but mediocre.
3. I felt great after sleeping with my first lover because I knew what to expect; great sex, no intimacy.
4. The sex with the nameless partner was aweful, degrading, humiliating... I met him after reading the Sex Addicts Annonymous website. I failed all the 'sexual addiction' tests and found a label for myself... it was wrong... I now sincerely don't believe that I am 'not in control' of my sexual decisions. It was simply another excuse to act innappropriately.
5. I am still having sex with my husband. Mostly as a method in not to be discovered as a cheating wife. I feel little sexual attraction to him.

I am in a the process of reading some more info on sexual addiction (I drink too much too) and think it may be more appropriate for me. Honesty is put to the forefront... dealing with the here and the now. I have a lack of intimacy between myself and my husband. I'm trying to fulfill that need by sleeping with other men. It's stupid, it's not working... I think I could get that back with my husband if I were willing to be honest with him about what I am doing, what I have done. I really don't know what to do here.

Gosh, I'm not an unreasonable person, I'm just acting like it. I never rely on anyone for anything.

...but most of all....HOW WAS THE SEX!?!?
:p :p :p :p :p :p
(ignore me)

If this is just a joke to you... just move on and anwswer other people's questions.

Betterthanthis. I don't know what to tell you because my gut is telling me to give you the full blown guilt trip, but you've already gotten that, and obviously it's not helping.

I don't know what to tell you, you already know that what you are doing is wrong. You are hurting your husband, another women and yourself, you're children can be hurt, you're entire family can fall apart because of your actions.

You say that you use protection, well no protection is 100%, what if you get pregnant, or worse, get an STD and pass it on to your unsuspecting husband? Don't say it isn't possible, because it is.

None of us can tell you what to do, we can give you advice, we can pass judgement, but in the end, it's up to you, only you can control your actions.

So, what's it going to be? Is sex more important than your family? Is sexual pleasure going to take precedence over your kids and a man that obviously loves you? If you don't have a problem, then why are you still doing this? Does your husband have a right to know? Does he have the right to decide what he wants in his life? You are making all the decisions, based on what you want, what about what he wants, and what your kids want?

Therapy is definitely in order, and it's time to fess up to hubby and let him help you or leave you and move on. It's not all about you, and if that's what you want, then set hubby free, he doesn't deserve this. Does he?

I know, a bit of judgement there, but I really think you need to hear it.

I wish you luck and happiness.

I still say you have a sexual obsession, addiction or something that needs dealt with through counseling. All the words in the world will not help until you get therapy to get to the root of it.

I did not mean for you to look back to your and just stop. I mean for you to take a long hard memory walk backwards to the days when your marriage was new.

Somehow, you need to draw strength from your vows and stop the bad behavior.You can do it. And no it is not going to be easy, but it does need to stop. You know this behavior is wrong yet you choose to continue. Now I would like you to chose to stop, because stopping is the correct action to take.

if this is just a joke to you ... just move on and anwswer other people's questions.Yeah, I did find the sex queries oddly amusing amidst this whole situation. I keep my humor about me, so I'm sorry if I offended you with my little fun poke at Michelle.

It's just nothing has changed from anything I/we have said all along. Querying about the sex I found a little funny until I read your answers. Now I think maybe Michelle was onto something there. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I think I have WAY more confidence in your abilities to sort this out properly than you do. I completely dismiss your helplessness.

Go back and read my original response. You don't need anyone here to tell you why you're doing these things, you're doing it because you think your sex drive is the most important driving force in your life right now.

OK, if that's true, then what do you want us to tell you? We're not going to support you in this dangerous, selfishness. You're not only risking your life, you're now risking your husband's... if you keep this up and give your husband AIDS, that's tantamount to murder in my book.

But at least you're getting sex. You are absolutely right. This isn't funny at all. The only person who can stop you is you. The only person who can safeguard your loving husband is you. Every time you climb into bed with him after sleeping with someone else you're playing russian roulette with HIS life.

You promised to love him and protect him above all else. Now it's you he needs protection from. Are you going to keep this up? Are you? Then you need to consider RIGHT NOW loving your husband enough to cut him off completely, at least until you come clean about all the other sexual partners you're having. At least then he's deciding if he wants to take the risk.

Ok, my husband is away with the kids for the weekend. I am spending the entire weekend writing him a letter with the truth about my secret life of lies and infidelity. I've already started. I'm giving him the dignity to choose to get 'us' back or to divorce me. It's his choice, but I'll do anything re-gain his trust. I'm so sick at how much this is going to hurt him. God, I'm falling apart here, can't stop crying. I wish I could just 'fix' me and spare him the pain. Am I doing the right thing? I feel selfish at the sense of relief I feel in not living this lie anymore. I hate that! I know I don't deserve it. He's going to be so shocked and crushed...

I'm not looking for any sympathy from anyone, but don't bash me, I'm remorseful and I want to be better. Even if he chooses to leave me, I want to be better.

I think it's the right thing to do. Will he be hurt, of course, will he be shocked, you betcha, will he leave, he might, but he deserves to know.

What you have to do now is get to the root of your problems, find out why you are doing this. You need to go to therapy, and if your husband decides to stay then he needs to be a part of this therapy and seek therapy for himself. Either way, you have to find someone who can help you understand why you are doing these things and find a way to stop.

It's brave to do this, very brave. You can fix your future, you can't go back and fix the past. No matter what, move forward, find help.

I don't know if a letter is the way to go, but I understand that it might be hard to sit down and tell him face to face. You do need to stress that you feel remorse, that you want help, that you don't know why and that you do love him. Give him all the information, this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, it could be a whole new beginning, for both of you.

I do wish you luck, I hope you find the help you need.

BTT =

Please write as much detail as you can. The burn it and scatter it to the winds.

Under no circumstances should you show it to your husband. He does not need to own your pain along with the information about your infidelity. That is the worst possible thing you can do! All it can possibly do is force embarrassment and misery on him and force him to take an action.

There is no value in doing that. If he ever asks you about infidelity, then you can tell and how much misery it caused you. And how you re-vowed never to let that happen again!

I'm truly torn! Do I tell him or not?!

I've been doing a lot of reading last night and all day today on women's infidelity. I own up to the fact that I've made very wrong, hurtful decisions. I'm seeing things in a different light and I'm ready to work on and dedicate myself to my relationship with my husband. I respect the answers from both Donf and Antenweg... but who's right?

In a way, I think that owning up to the truth and giving my husband the option to stay with me or walk away is the right thing to do. It will give him a new light on who I am and it could make us so much stronger and closer. It will force accountability on my part.

On the other hand, I strongly suspect that he will stay with me (I don't mean to SOUND arrogant about this, but I know him better than you do). I know how hurt he will be, and it will be mostly for my own gain. I think that I could take responsibility for my own actions and make the changes necessary prevent myself from cheating on him again and be able to spare him the heartache. I'm still torn. Please advise.

Well, I'm not sure. I see my side (of course I do, it's my side) and I see Donf's. If you are willing to get the help you need to stop this behavior, willing to change, willing to commit yourself totally and completely to your husband and your marriage, and if you know, absolutely know, that regardless of what you say, he'll stay, then don't tell him. Make the changes necessary to stop what you're doing, if he's just going to get hurt, but still stay, then avoid the hurt and commit to being the person he deserves.

As for accountability, well you've told all of us, and we have held you accountable, so you've faced that, you've suffered through that, now move on, make a fresh start, be the women you want to be. But remember, you can't do it alone, you need to find help, you need to figure out why, and then prevent it from continuing or happening again.

Spare him, fix yourself, and good luck. :)

Have I missed something here!. There is NO way on Gods good earth, that this dear husband of yours, would stay with you if you told him the whole sordid trueth about your sexual habits... lets face it, how could any decent man lay down at night with a woman knowing that she has been having it off with every, Tom, and Harry... ( very sorry if anyone has the same names as I've just stated, it's just a figure of speech where I come from.. sincere apoligies in advance)...

Usually, I would say always tell the truth, but quite frankly it's so disgusting that I simply would not burden my husband or my children with all the nasty details... what do you hope to gain by doing that... nothing, only the fact that it would make you feel a whole lot better getting the guilt off your own chest.

While your having all these sexual encounters, where are the kids? Where do you say you are going? There is only so many times that you can slip down the shop for a pint of milk.

Having read all of the current posts, which basically give the same advice, it seems to me that you are totally selfish and are fully aware of what you are doing and what the consequences will be should you be found out ( and you will eventually) .

If this sounds harsh, well... IT'S MEAN'T TO BE... Everyone needs to stop footing around you, you seem perfectly together from what I can see, you know what needs to be done, you've admitted that, or is it that your liking all the attention that your receiving on the board!

If your serious about doing something about this situation, stop posting on this board that your going to do something, pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and make an appointment to see your GP who will be the link to all support services that you will need.