My ex boyfriend and I have been through a lot. We broke up 8 months ago, didn't talk for a while, and then started talking again. Then on new years this year I went to Montreal with my friends, and one of my friends stayed home. She ended up hooking up with him, and everyone got mad at them. I was devistated, destroyed. I discontinued all contact with him and with her... But everyday I still loved him. All of their friends were mad at them for doing this, they were alone in this, so they began "dating". They are not eachothers type at all, I know him better then anyone, 4 years of my life dedicated to him. Well she left for South America today for 11 days, and his birthday is right in the middle of her being gone. I work at a restaurant and him and 2 of his friends came in last night. We didn't talk, but he smiled. Now I have one text message to send him on his birthday. A sentence or two. What I say in these brief words will be the factor of whether he texts me back, and agrees to meet up and talk to me. WHAT SHOULD I SAY! I need help! Please, If you have any suggestions help me !
I don't want him to know I am desperate to have him back
I don't want him to know I am hurt
I don't want him to know that I love him
I don't want to scare him off

I cassually want to say Happy birthday and suggest getting together to chat over a drink.


Desperately and Truly in love,
Amanda:confused:

Don't know why you would forgive him so easily but, try this,

Happy birthday, how about getting together, to chat over a drink.

Or this " Thanks for hurting me and sleeping with one of my friends, please take me back, I think we could have a future together provided you don't sleep with my friends anymore"

Not to be rude, but that's what the reality of your situation seems like. It's all good and well you love him, but does he love you??

Also, here's a guy that dated you 8 months ago, resumed talking to you again, and then slept with your friend KNOWING that chances are you'd find out. To me, that does not indicate the feelings are mutual. BIG MISTAKE if you ask me.

The reason why tal's advice is good is because you do NOT win someone, anyone back over one line, especially after something like this.

One line doesn't solve the breakup and all the factors that played into it. I agree hooking up with a friend is a tough line to walk, but you were NOT dating him at that time.

If you aren't together, you are not in each others bedrooms.

As for the friend, yes... she crossed a line on some level. She also dated and slept with a single man. I know this isn't your perspective, but that is the reality. And so... how does one line "solve" the distance? His hurting you by acting within his rights (he was single), while his choosing this still knowing it might bother you? And then the punishment that has followed?

I'm not taking his side. He chose an action that he knew could hurt you... and still you were an ex. Period.

There's no sentence that can solve all of that and win him back. He isn't a race, a lottery, or a raffle.

The best thing I can think of is tell him you miss his friendship, you'd like to be in a better place with him, and happy birthday. That's it.

After that, its up to him.

You don't want him to know you are hurt?. I think its clear from the friend incident, and the isolation that happened after, that you were hurt and he knows it. Are you wanting to spring this on him after you are friends again?

If you aren't willing to tell him you miss the friendship, you aren't being honest, to him or yourself. If him hearing that you miss the friendship scares him off... he is so far gone as it is. So live in reality. Tell him the simple truth... happy birthday, miss you, lets talk soon.

You get no guarantees, especially with one-liners.

I have a similar experience that happened to me.

First of all I just want to say that we can't help who we love. For people that don't know how you feel or never went threw this kind of situation its easy for them to tell you to move on or to forget about it. But you're the only one that knows how you feel inside and if your heart is telling you that you still Love him then its worth taking a chance. You can't tell your heart not to feel someway about someone. You can foul your mind,and the people around you but not your heart, and I believe in being true to your heart.

I would send him a message that is simple yet trying to spark is interest... something like
" Thinking of you, wanted to wish you a happy birthday, hoping we could catch up for old time sake...

Something simple that comes from your heart.

Good Luck

First of all i just want to say that we can't help who we love. For people that dont know how you feel or never went threw this kind of situation its easy for them to tell you to move on or to forget about it. But your the only one that knows how you feel inside and if your heart is telling you that you still Love him then its worth taking a chance. You can't tell your heart not to feel someway about someone. You can fool your mind,and the people arround you but not your heart, and I beleive in being true to your heart.
Good Luck

We can't help who we have feelings for, but we do have control, what we do about it. Following her heart with the facts she has, is a recipe, for misery, and should be more thought out. A guy who sleeps with her friends? Come on, think about hooking up with someone that shallow, and uncaring about the fallout from his actions. Weak with a capital W. You should never follow your heart, without talking to your brain first.

Thanks KP, for understanding my sarcasm.

How about:

"you slept with my friend while *I* was away, so now that she's away, want to sleep with me?"

It would fit right in with the rest of that drama!

Honey, you don't "win" someone back. You go do happy, healthy things for YOU. If you're still obsessing about this guy, it's not love--it's an addiction. Love is where you hope he's happy, even if it's not with you.

And don't assume that those of us who tell you to forget him have never felt that way--we just learned the hard way that our feelings don't rule us, and can't force us to make bad decisions. Yeah, it hurts--but who wants a guy like that anyway? I think you could do better.

I don't want him to know I am desperate to have him back - But you are and you'd be lying to him
I don't want him to know I am hurt - But you are hurt, and might not be able to forgive him - which will not work either.
I don't want him to know that I love him - Do you really? Or just not over the rejection the first time and want more..
I don't want to scare him off - If you don't intend to be honest with him and talk the whole past out, then you'll do more than scare him, think of lost trust on both sides and see if you really have a future together being more than just friends.

Really, you were not couples at that time, 8 months in the past don't count and you should have gotten over him by then.
If a dog bit you 8 months ago, would you think of taking him home with you now? And would you love him or try to prove to him that you are the boss and he better not forget it - because you cannot forget what he did.

REALITY check time here, girl. Move on or you'll make yourself even less happy than you are now.

If you must, then send him an E-Card but don't get personal. Let him approach you and if not, leave him lone and start living your life without him.




http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Just do what you feel is right!
Its your life to live hun, consider these answer's but at the end of the day its what you chose to do that's makes the differents.
This could work out for you, or not but you won't know until you try right.
Some people write you "Reality check" well they should have a really check of their own,life is screwed up sometime,things don't always go as plan... and sometime you must take chances.
And I STILL say follow your heart, sometime your head and head don't always agree,but you can convince your head to change its mind but your heart is a different matter. Heart is make makes people and makes them different.

Listening to their heart is how people end up:

Sleeping with married people
Cheating on their partners
Running away with someone they love, leaving their kids behind
Having unprotected sex
Staying with abusive partners

It has to be a balance, head and heart both.

Some people write you "Reality check" well they should have a really check of their own,life is screwed up sometime,things don't always go as plan... and sometime you must take chances.

Having checked reality, and learning heart and mind, must be balanced to make good reasonable decision, and that's the basis of my suggestion, after a lot of experience, and disparaging others for there opinion is immature, and unnecessary.

And I STILL say follow your heart, sometime your head and head don't always agree,but you can convince your head to change its mind but your heart is a different matter. Heart is make makes people and makes them different.You can convince your heart of the same thing, and save the misery and pain ,of being absolutely wrong, and endangering yourself.Mind body and soul, and the things we have experienced is what makes us what we are. Keep growing.

Folks, let's remember they were broken up and had merely "started talking" again. And she was away for new year's, with "her friends" (and he wasn't one of them) when this occurred. I think everyone's villianizing him a little too much. Now if he slept with this girl purely for spite, then certainly that's not a good thing but we really can't infer that for sure. But, to respond to the original question, I think Talaniman hit it right on the head with
Happy birthday, how about getting together, to chat over a drink.Since you work in a restaurant, you could add "I get off at 9:00 (or whatever your normal quitting time is) so stop on by."

I don't deny to use your head,I'm just saying litsen to your heart as well.

Folks, let's remember they were broken up and had merely "started talking" again. And she was away for new year's, with "her friends" (and he wasn't one of them) when this occurred. I think everyone's villianizing him a little too much. Now if he slept with this girl purely for spite, then certainly that's not a good thing but we really can't infer that for sure."

I agree

Thank you so much for putting so much thought and heart into answering this important question. I can relate to every single response I get, and why you would feel that certain way. I'm not sure If I made it seem like he cheated on me, but he definitely didn't. We were broken up for a long time when him and her began talking, and her and I were also on bad terms, so they were both kind of caught in the situation with no one to turn to.. perhaps what brought them together. But he didn't cheat on me. If anything SHE cheated on me, because we were still friends. Anyway If anyone has anymoer suggestions of what I should say I definitely want to hear them, because I have truly made up my mind to send this message, I've been trying to decide for 2 months if I would, and I believe the time is right. Thanks for all your input though, Its nice to see the truth, without being fogged by the love in my heart.

[QUOTE=BMI]Or this " Thanks for hurting me and sleeping with one of my friends, please take me back, I think we could have a future together provided you don't sleep with my friends anymore"QUOTE]

Well, I'm not sure if I made it seem like the 2 of them had sex... they didn't. We're talking new years, both were drunk, not many people to choose from at this small house party, and they fooled around, no intercourse. I wanted to also add that him and I have been friends for almost 5 years, and the friendship IS ACTUALLY really important to me.

Don't know why you would forgive him so easily but, try this,

Happy birthday, how about getting together, to chat over a drink.



Comments on this postah1988 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/ah1988.html) agrees: Yes, this is the kind of message I am looking for. Thanks


Actually, I reworded your original.

Your posts have been a little misleading, so please don't be frustrated when the help you get is all over the place.

You say the friendship is most important, but you are "desperate" and want him back (but don't want him to know it)... and you say the time is right to talk, but c'mon... we know that's cause she is out of the pic for a short time...

You state you have one chance, only one, to win him back... but that's the problem we've had. Its one thing to ask him to meet with you... the angle you are now veering toward, but that "win him back" statement is where people couldn't tell you a line because there isn't one. You can't win him back (your words, your plead) with a text.

So drop all the other noise and do what's been suggested... don't meet with all this pretense of wanting him but not wanting him to know it... and stop asking for one liners to make him yours again.

All you can do is say happy birthday and lets get together.

You've been friends for over 5 years, right? If you don't know how to talk to him, we surely don't either. You said yourself, you know him better than anyone. Maybe that's true.

So stop making it complicated. And don't be upset when the advice you get isn't exactly what you are looking for... its still advice worth listening to.

Every time I want to rate a person more than once, I get a message that I cannot rate again... so I don't understand how I can be rated by one person twice on one post. AND to get reddies just because I hit a soft spot... I can read between the lines most of the time and must have really hit. Because you'll never forget or forgive him for sleeping with you friend - face the truth - give me another reddie... I just love the color.

Lady - you don't know what love is... you just want to control, so do your thing and I won't waste my precious time with you again.

Oooh... a reddie!

Honey, I really think your problem is that you're having an over-reaction to him moving on from you. Otherwise, you'd have tried to get him back BEFORE New Years.

If he's your friend, then BE his friend. Don't try to manipulate him, or "make" him want you.

Ask him out for a drink, by all means--that's the kind of thing friends do. But don't play games with him, because when you care about someone, you don't try to "win" them, or "make them want you"

your posts have been a little misleading, so please dont be frustrated when the help you get is all over the place.

you say the friendship is most important, but you are "desperate" and want him back (but dont want him to know it)... and you say the time is right to talk, but c'mon... we know thats cause she is out of the pic for a short time...

you state you have one chance, only one, to win him back... but thats the problem we've had. its one thing to ask him to meet with you... the angle you are now veering toward, but that "win him back" statement is where people couldnt tell you a line because there isnt one. you can't win him back (your words, your plead) with a text.

so drop all the other noise and do whats been suggested... dont meet with all this pretense of wanting him but not wanting him to know it... and stop asking for one liners to make him yours again.

all you can do is say happy bday and lets get together.

youve been friends for over 5 years, right? if you dont know how to talk to him, we surely dont either. you said yourself, you know him better than anyone. maybe thats true.

so stop making it complicated. and dont be upset when the advice you get isnt exactly what you are looking for... its still advice worth listening to.

She was out of the picture when he slept with the other girl, now the other girl is out of the picture and even if they do connect - how can she be sure that last chance will be more than a one-night-stand (and that's her hope here) will lead to a closer relationship again - because it will not. That means she's up for being hurt again.. oh well, it's her choice.

Well, she said "hooked" up, which most of us took reasonably to mean "slept with"... especially when she states she was devastated... but as she's tried to state since, they apparently didn't sleep together.

No mention of the issues behind the breakup yet. Or all the other issues that would make any chance of "winning" him back more or less likely.

Comments on this post
ah1988 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/ah1988.html) disagrees: there was no intercourse, and it was new years... DRUNK

May I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

They were DRUNK!!

Poor guy then. Here he is at New years drunk and this ogre of a girl comes on to him to initiate physical contact. HOW DARE SHE! Him being drunk and all surely vindicates any wrong doing on his part, obviously he's not to blame.

I like what you wrote about sending the message based on clearing your head of the confusion and listening to your heart, that's sweet. However, if you have indeed done that and still want to send the message than perhaps your drunk. Re-read what most have written and accept they know better than you, put your reddies away and thank them all later when they turn out to be right.

BTW, the first part of the post is me being sarcastic.

Thank you so much for putting so much thought and heart into answering this important question. I can relate to every single response I get, and why you would feel that certain way. I'm not sure If i made it seem like he cheated on me, but he definitely didn't. We were broken up for a long time when him and her began talking, and her and I were also on bad terms, so they were both kind of caught in the situation with no one to turn to.. perhaps what brought them together. But he didn't cheat on me. If anything SHE cheated on me, because we were still friends. Anyways If anyone has anymoer suggestions of what I should say I definitely want to hear them, because I have truely made up my mind to send this message, I've been trying to decide for 2 months if I would, and I believe the time is right. Thanks for all your input though, Its nice to see the truth, without being fogged by the love in my heart.

Dear, I wish you all the best, I really do. Unfortunately though, you were not there when they spent the night together and he was drunk. We don't know the circumstances of your break with her either, or with him - you did not elaborate on that... so we can only go by what you state. A 5 year relationship should be secure enough with a lot of communication and trust behind it, but you still don't have those 'breaks' cleared and closed and I'm not sure if you will be able to be strong enough to forgive. So, now it depends on what you believe and if he is willing to come back. It takes two to make or break a relationship - so be prepared for anything.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

P.S. Allheart and susangpyp,and Tal.. thank you for your support in this.

How about just stating "Hope you have a happy birthday, it was good seeing you the other night." Leave it at that and if he writes you back, then go from there. Don't seem to obvious that you want to hang out. Keep it cool and simple. I don't think you are over what happened, but you don't want to completely eliminate him from your life. YOu don't need to say anything about hanging out. If he wants to pursue you as a friend or anything else, make him do the work. Just be a friend for right now. What happened in the past is a good reason to protect yourself from being hurt again. Take it one text at a time! Lol Good luck.