Hi, I have been married to my husband for 21 years. He is hardworking, reliable, generous and kind... at work.
At home he is domineering, controlling, unreasonable and a bully.

Our relationship has always seen me in a servile role. I adopt this role to keep the peace.
I almost feel he enjoys seeing me downtrodden and unhappy. I feel as if he has a need to punish me although I have never given him any cause or reason to treat me this way.
In the past we have seen a relationship counsellor and for a while things improved. It seemed as if opening up to someone else about how he makes me feel when he treats me this way made it somehow real and important The good hubby didn't last very long though and now I am at my wits end. We have teenager who loves both of us equally although has witnessed a lot of the abuse directed toward me.

Can someone offer any advice?

I am hoping someone may feel an insight into his behavior. He says he loves me one day but the next day he is back to the bullying. His mother and apparently his grandfather (deceased) both have the same personality traits. I have tried many times to put distance between us but every time he refuses to be reasonable which results in me having no means at all of supporting our daughter and myself so I stay put and feel trapped until the next time I feel I cannot live like this any longer.

I just don't know what to do, he has total control over everything I do or want to do. Without his permission I'm not allowed a voice or an opinion.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I would greatly appreciate any guidance

Cjh

He didn't get like this overnight and he won't change overnight either. It's you who have to put his behavior into perspective and either accept it or reject it. A trial separation at this point may work for you but could possibly backfire on him. If you feel so trapped and cannot go on any longer then it's time to call it quits with him. Your emotional and physical health will only suffer silently from all the inner stress he's imposing on you. If you have the means and can leave him, then try that for awhile and see if yourself esteem has returned to you.

His parental role models has taught him to treat women rather shoddily. If you wait until the teenagers are out of the nest and can make it on your own alone, then wait. If you truly have had enough, don't wait. It's really up to you at this point what you do.

The insight you need is into YOUR behavior and why you have allowed this so long.

Our relationship has always seen me in a servile role. I adopt this role to keep the peace.

Doesn't sound like that strategy works very well, Hmmm, not putting up with his bullcrap, may work better, so stand up for yourself, and don't tolerate his bad behavior. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

By staying and allowing him to continue his bad behavior you're teacher you're child that this sort of relationship is OK and it is not. You need to stand up for yourself. And as for supporting you and your daughter, if you're thinking of leaving you're just going to have to get a job and budget your money. It'll be hard but it is not impossible.

Thank to eveyone who replied.

I DO appreciate your comments.

I know my attitude may appear full of negatives

But

1 I am unable to gain employment as I have a disability which severely restricts the commitment and type of employment I could undertake.
2 I HAVE kicked back at every opportunity, trying to refuse his attitude toward me.

The person who intimated perhaps the issue may be mine, I would like you to expand on this please.

I am prepared to accept I may have to look inward for the solution, if you could would you go a little further with this?

Once again, Thanks everyone for your time and opinions.