Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing each other for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see each other every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?

I think that it's perfectly normal to have such conflicting feelings.

I dated a lot in the past when my kids were a lot younger. I was divorced. I went into relationships with much caution on my part, even though what I felt in my heart would be telling me other things. I know how difficult it is to separate how your mind feels from what you feel in your heart. My kids are now grown and off on their own.

If I were to be dating someone seriously now who had children who were not off on their own, I would be taking things really slowly as far as things being serious about a relationship perhaps becoming one of commitment that might involved being married or committed in some way for life eventually.

For me, there would be no rush in doing things. Three months time is not enough time to really get to know someone, especially if you are only able to see each other every other weekend. I think that dating for at least a year or even two or more before even considering a lifetime commitment with someone would be a wise decision for those that have already gone through a divorce, especially if there are going to be children involved. It would take time to get to know the children also.

That's my take on things here, anyway. Hopefully, others will also come along to offer their advice to you.

We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them.
Trust me, you don't.


Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast
Listen to this part.

Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings?
In the words of an old blues song, "If you ain't scared, man, you ain't right."


What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?
Probably about the same sort of things that are going through yours. Take it slow. Three months is not NEAR long enough to be sure of anything.

The other posters are right, I think it takes more than 3 months, to know someone well enough, to know whether they are worth more from you. Enjoy the getting to know him, and his children, and see how you feel in a year. Then think long, and hard where you want it to go! There is no hurry, so you can be as cautious as you need to be. Go slowly and carefully,and have fun.

Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?
Sounds like you are falling in love again and hey, that's a wonderful... but remember that you have probably been waiting for what seems like an eternity for this to happen, so mostly enjoy this special time and not be in too great a hurry for it to move on. As for projections into the future etc. as counterintuitive as it may seem when you are falling deeper in love by the minute, as experience has probably already taught you, you will need quite a few more walks around the block and reality tests vis a vis kids to find out what each other's life is really about, before progressing on to something more solid or permanent. Best wishes to you though... :)

Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc. I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex. Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?


When one is first coming out of a relationship, attention and affirmation that a person is desirable is so important to one's sense of self-esteem. Just be cautious that you are not seeing this guy through rose colored glasses. Most people are with people, not for who they are but how they make them feel when they are with them or who they hope that person might become in future. In the beginning of a relationship, they may be trying to be what they know you want. This is not particularly bad, just human nature, but something one needs to think about before making important decisions.

Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning, so to speak. I would think you need to see how this guy reacts to his own children as well as yours and how his children react to him and to you. Some say "I'm not marrying the family, I'm marrying him" (this I realize is generally referring to parents and extended family) BUT YEAH, you really are. NOTHING GIVES PERSPECTIVE QUITE AS WELL AS A BIG DOSE OF REALITY! (I do realize most parents are cautious on the timing of introducing new adults into their children's lives (and rightly so) and I commend you on this and being sensitive to their well-being emotionally), just things to think about.

I am not trying to take away anything you feel for this person. Fresh new beginnings can be intoxicating.

Sometimes we can't seem to control what our heart feels and we make decisions based on that. Great marriages have been based on much less, we know that but I think from reading the other posts, the words for the day are "CAUTION AND GO SLOW".

"Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings?" I would say yes for sure it is normal.

"We have been seeing each other for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me." I would be interested to know why you say "at least for me." It raises the question in my mind if he has professed as deep of feelings for you as you are feeling for him. I would also be interested to know how long he has been divorced.

I wish you well in all your decisions. There are so many good people on this site to help all of us gain insight. Best to you. Enjoy the journey! :)

Trust yourself and trust him, give it until this time next year to get married again and don't get divorced this time.

WOW!! So much great advice. After reading all of the comments, I think that I may have sounded like I wanted to marry this guy right now. Believe, nothing could be farther from the truth. I am just confused as to my feelings about having each other meet eachother's kids first. I am scared to death of that. My feelings are confused because a part of me wants this to happen and then a part of me does not. I am excited about this relationship, but I don't want to get my kids involved until I know that we have a long future together.

When I said that I have strong feelings, at least for me, I meant that I KNOW that I have strong feelings for him. I am assuming that he has strong feelings about me as well just in the way that he treats me, the fact that he calls me everyday, is interested in what I have going on in my life, the things that he does for me. No, we have not told each other that we love each other (way too soon), but I do think that is around the corner. We are talking about "future" things, but not about marriage specifically. We are talking about taking trips and/or cruises next year, etc.

I would never consider getting remarried for another 5 or so years, let alone a year.

Hate to cut it short because I have so much more to say, but I have to rush off to get to work. I will continue this sometime tomorrow.

Thank you!! Keep the advice coming, as it is all the kind of things that my head is saying. I am just glad that these "teenager love struck" feelings are still very much normal for a person my age.

You sound fine … ;)

I was separated two years ago, divorced in April last year and met someone the following July who I found attractive and interesting. Happily, we fell in love, but were both cautious and wanted to go slowly, especially not wanting to spoil what has been for both of us a wonderful relationship so far, with only a few minor disagreements along the way.

We each get along well with the other’s children (I have two and he has four), are financially secure - and having both been taken advantage of financially in the past, have equally strong opinions on keeping ourselves and our kids financially safe. We had a dream holiday in January and have started talking about possibly living together next year, and investing in a home.

It’s now 7 months on since we met, and only recently has it started to get a little rocky - with my emotional insecurities especially, beginning to surface. As we are still very much in love and know we would be living together by now had it not been for wanting the children to have had time to adjust, I have to admit that I’m less certain now about how we are travelling… but I am hoping to get through this patch, and not lose a wonderful man.

After getting to work last night (I work as a server in a restaurant when my kids are with the ex), a girlfriend of mine who is also a server, was just finishing up her day. This girlfriend was the one who set us up (me and the guy that I am seeing). She also has been dating for the past three years and is engaged to the brother of the guy that I am seeing. So, she kind of has the inside track as to what is being said when I am not there, etc. She also knows him quite a bit for being in their family for that period.

Anyway, we were discussing plans for a hockey game that the four of us will be going to next weekend. At that time, she told me that it has been a long time since she saw him so happy. She says that he is always talking about me and cannot say enough good things about me. She told me last night that she thinks that he is falling in love with me, so I guess I have one of my questions answered. I was worried that I was falling too hard and fast for someone who might reject me because I was feeling more than he was. I think that we are both in the infatuation phase because there is no way that we know EVERYTHING about each other to really be in love. However, it sure feels good!!

What is some advice about introducing the kids to the other person, as well as to their kids? Also, what is the best way to bring up the subject of introducing the kids to each other without making it sound forced or scaring the other person off. I know, I know, the subject will present itself, but what happens if I am waiting for him to say something and he is waiting for me to say something? How can I bring the subject up that I would EVENTUALLY like to introduce my kids to him and vice versa without it coming off that I am trying to rush our relationship? I just want to know when/if he has these thoughts as well. We both have our kids on the same weekends, so most likely not only will the kids be meeting the guy I am seeing, but they will also be meeting his kids on the same day as well. Any suggestions on what we can do so that it is not so awkward? (both of our kids range in age from 7 to 15) Are there any time considerations - when is it too soon, etc. Believe me, I don't won't to rush it, I am just the type of person that wants to have everything laid out so that it will be as smooth as possible. It doesn't have to be "perfect", but I am trying to think about the best way to do it for all involved. Any suggestions as to where we could do this, under what circumstances - anything that has worked for anyone else? I know that whatever we decide to do, that the thought of holding eachother's hands, kissing, etc. is out of the question, as this would make the kids feel uncomfortable. I am also trying to keep in mind that the kids should only be introduced when I know that there is a definite future and not because this will allow us to see each other more often. I know I am thinking way too much about this, but I don't want to miss any clues or miss any opportunities. He has mentioned that his children's mom has introduced the kids to 3 boyfriends so far and they did not get along with any of them, so I know that this is a major issue to contend with. I just want to do the right thing at the right time, etc.

I am scared, excited and confused all at the same time. I love that part, but I also hate that part!!

That a good future topic to discuss.

Hi there, it really does sound like a nice start to a healthy relationship, especially given how your friend is part of his family and is happy for you both.

I guess we were a little more spontaneous at the beginning of our relationship, and I was introduced to my partner's two boys on our second date when he took me to see a film with them, and because it was so early in our relationship, there was little threat to anyone. However, it was then that we both knew there was something more than casual friendship brewing between us. On our third date he came to my home for dinner when he naturally met both of my kids.

I thought of our new relationship as being a very normal part of my life, as I had been on my own a long time since separating from my ex and I genuinely liked this man. I wanted to be with him and get to know him better. I tried to make it clear to my children that I was ready to move on with my life and that he was special, and let them know that I was naturally being cautious about the sort of man I was introducing into their lives.

We do hug and kiss in front of our kids, simply because we're both comfortable with showing affection and that's how we feel about each other. My daughter thinks it's grose (lol) but has gotten used to it and now just rolls her eyes, smiles, goes d'oh, and walks away. But at least the kids can see we're happy.

We took it slowly by seeing each other only two or three times a week for a few months, and gradually over time saw more of each other's kids and introduced them to each other. Being on holiday in January was the first time we spent over a week together, and without the kids around, we got to know each other a lot better. It was wonderful :)

We're back to seeing each other only a few times a week since the holiday, which I'm now finding difficult, since I would rather be with him more often and think I am almost ready to start planning for the next big step; I would love to start plans on building our own home, and be ready to move in together at the end of the year. We're just not quite ready to make life-long promises to each other... since neither of us wants to go through the pain of another divorce, we're a little hesitant, and are possibly waiting for that special moment when we're both convinced we're both ready.

But that's our story, and I wouldn't expect your situation to be too similar to ours. You have a different mix of personalities and things to work with that will make a difference as to how and when you all meet for the first time. And I wouldn't say that's it's all been a smooth transition for us or our kids... it's just that we're both fairly together people (as you and your partner seem to be) and tend to hope for the best. There are still lots adjustments to be made.

I think you're lucky that you can have weekends free to be with each other... that's a real bonus.

I have mentioned to my kids that I have been seeing someone special without telling them specifics about what we are doing. I don't think that I did anything wrong, as I believe that they need to know that I have friends outside of the mothers of their friends. However, I have an inkling that the guy I am seeing has not said anything to his kids that he is even dating anyone. During a conversation that he and I had, I found out that his ex-wife has had 3 boyfriends since their divorce 2 years ago and his daughter had a problem with each one of these boyfriends. This situation probably makes him even more hesitant to bring up the subject to them. Is there anyone else out there who has been in the same situation? Why do I let this bother me so much?

Also, what does "a girl I have been seeing" mean to a 40+ man? Does this have any serious connotations? Guys - please voice your opinions. Gals - why do we get so hung up on phrases to determine the seriousness of a relationship (at least I do)? I know that he cares about me or he would not be emailing me during the day to say that he is thinking about me or forwarding something to me that he thought that I would enjoy reading or calling me every night to see how my day was and calls me "honey" or "sweetie pie" when he talks to me. Sometimes I feel like I am back in high school all over again!! See, I am a long way off thinking about marriage if I can't figure out the "easy" stuff!! Sorry if my original post made it sound like I was ready to marry this guy! Again, I have strong feelings for him and I SEE a future with him, but it is definitely a long way off. I just don't want to scare the guy off or appear to be standoffish, etc. Maybe because we have so much physical time apart, this makes my mind wander and think too much. People who I have talked to about this say that I am worrying too much, that he really likes me and that it is just a matter of time and patience. I have had a couple of flings since my divorce and this is the first guy that I have had such STRONG feelings about since my ex (I had been physically separated from my ex for a period of 2-1/2 years prior to our divorce being finalized 1-1/2 years ago). So, I believe that I have experienced the "needy attention phase" and that I am not just looking at this relationship with rose colored glasses.

I think it is normal to have conflicted feelings. Just remember that whatever you do decide the children are going to have a huge impact. If you really want to consider a future with this guy I wouldn't keep the kids "in the closet" too much longer.

This leads me to another question, when do you know when you should introduce the children? How should I instigate a conversation to bring up this subject? He and I are going away on a ski trip for the weekend next weekend, just the two of us. Should I bring it up then? I am so confused I am driving myself crazy. It is amazing that I usually have the ability to give other people good advice but when it comes to my own life, I am at a loss!!

What is some advice about introducing the kids to the other person, as well as to their kids? Also, what is the best way to bring up the subject of introducing the kids to eachother without making it sound forced or scaring the other person off. I know, I know, the subject will present itself, but what happens if I am waiting for him to say something and he is waiting for me to say something? How can I bring the subject up that I would EVENTUALLY like to introduce my kids to him and vice versa without it coming off that I am trying to rush our relationship? I just want to know when/if he has these thoughts as well. I just want to do the right thing at the right time, etc.

I am scared, excited and confused all at the same time. I love that part, but I also hate that part!!!

Communication is as we know paramount to a good relationship but sometimes, because of the intensity of our feelings, we tend to get ahead of ourselves when we begin to approach a situation where we do need to address it. I believe this may be one of them. Some times subjects don't just present themselves and one or the other must broach the subject.

What is some advice about introducing the kids to the other person, as well as to their kids? Also, what is the best way to bring up the subject of introducing the kids to each other without making it sound forced or scaring the other person off. I know, I know, the subject will present itself, but what happens if I am waiting for him to say something and he is waiting for me to say something? How can I bring the subject up that I would EVENTUALLY like to introduce my kids to him and vice versa without it coming off that I am trying to rush our relationship? I just want to know when/if he has these thoughts as well.

However, I believe perhaps your last sentence should be your first to him. During a relaxed time where you two are just visiting, just ask him if he has given any thought as to when might be a good time for "us to meet each other's children". That way, the question is on the table but does not place either of you in a position of feeling anything is being rushed... just puts it on the table for discussion.

The more I read your posts, the more I realize you have great depth as an individual and are a deep thinker when it comes to relationships. Sometimes just from one post, we don't see the whole picture and it is nice to get further details. It is helpful to each of us. Thank you for sharing in more depth as we go.

I don't know if you are like me but I tend to want to read the end of the book first, so I know how it ends or be told about a movie, before viewing so I know what to expect. Sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into this situation before proceeding and are going forward rather cautiously and that is good. At times, I sense a bit of panic that this is so great and you just are afraid it will end. That is not unusual when one's heart has been awakened to a new love. As difficult as it is, I hope you can truly enjoy the journey as it unfolds... realizing if this is meant to be, you aren't going to do just one thing that suddenly ruins anything or ends it nor is he. He may be feeling these same feelings of panic. If this is meant to be, your love for each other will grow, you each will feel comfortable as to when to share those feelings as they present new areas to be opened.

It is refreshing to me to read of new love after coming out of a dark time from a previous relationship. Renews my belief in the power of love. I would have some suggestions later on meeting the children but best left for a future time. For now, allow me to just again wish you the best each day and leave you with the suggestion to just ask him if he has given any thought as to when he thinks the two of you should meet each other's children. :)

Just knowing that I am not the only one who has felt this way is refreshing. I do realize that if this is meant to be, one mistake is not going to absolutely ruin the relationship. I think before I talk about introducing the kids, I need to get his feelings on the relationship as a whole. I would be surprised if he said that we do not have a future at all. This is because my girlfriend, who I mentioned in an earlier post said that she has a feeling that I will be meeting his mom real soon. When she said that, I was a little confused because of the fact that we have not broached the subject of meeting eachother's kids. However, someone mentioned to me that in a relationship where children are involved, it is logical for adult family members to be introduced to the girlfriend before the children. That way, his immediate family would be able to tell him whether the person is a good choice and would be wise to proceed with the meeting of the children that are also a part of their lives. Adults can get over feelings of attachment better than children can.

When I think about it, I have already met two of his three brothers but he has not met any of my family members. I talk about my family members, but he has never met any of them. So, I guess he might be feeling the same way that I am. He did ask me about a month ago what I thought of him when I was first introduced to him, so maybe he has just as many questions about this as I do. I know that I will be taking jrebel7's advice and just come out and ask him questions, i.e. where do you think that this relationship is going? I have already told him that I love spending time with him, that I miss him after we have been apart for a week and that I can't wait to see him again. I just hate the feeling of being needy!

When I think about it, I have already met two of his three brothers but he has not met any of my family members. I talk about my family members, but he has never met any of them. So, I guess he might be feeling the same way that I am. He did ask me about a month ago what I thought of him when I was first introduced to him, so maybe he has just as many questions about this as I do. I know that I will be taking jrebel7's advice and just come out and ask him questions, i.e. where do you think that this relationship is going? I have already told him that I love spending time with him, that I miss him after we have been apart for a week and that I can't wait to see him again. I just hate the feeling of being needy!!

Just a slight word of caution: Asking him if he has given it any thought as to when you both should meet each other's children and "where do you think this relationship is going" are very different in one being non-aggressive and sort of laid back and one being a bit "head on" so to speak. Just trust your instincts on the timing of this other question would be my suggestion. There is always time for that, although, it would be good to know his thoughts on that prior to involving the children.

Does he share with you that he misses you also and can't wait to see you again also? I ask only to get a more clear picture for myself and other posters as to how quickly questions should proceed should you ask our opinion later on these types of issues. :)

I am sure he has just as many questions as you. Guys tend to shy away when gals seem too needy so I understand you not liking the feeling of being needy. It will all unfold when the time is right. :)

Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing each other for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night,
Given the short time between your divorce, and the current interest, I would go very slow, and not get carried away by intense emotions, at this time. Have a load of fun getting to know each other, and after 6-9 months, you can talk together, and define were you want to go. Also be aware that the times spent apart, tend to magnify feelings, and raise questions in our mind, that may mislead us, or get us thinking too much. Its about being patient, and learning to communicate with each other. Talking and listening is key, as well as paying attention. Actions speak louder than words. There is no hurry to do anything at this time, but have a great time, with no expectations, other than finding out about each other, and see what comes later. I feel its to early for kids to be aware and involved, with your fun, until the two of you have reached that decision together. Again, what's the hurry?

So, it was a bad thing that I mentioned something to my kids that I am seeing someone special? I feel like I am getting different advice all over. I know that I can't change what has happened in the past with the fact that my kids know that I am dating. However, I can continue not to provide specifics about this man until I know for certain it is moving in a long term future direction.

So, it was a bad thing that I mentioned something to my kids that I am seeing someone special?
They should know your going out, but giving them too much info, maybe to soon, as you have no idea what's going to happen. If they get curious, they will ask questions. But just dating is enough for now. The best part of being on a forum like this, is you get a lot of views. Take what makes sense, ignore what doesn't. Its all food for thought.

I realized that I never answered the question about what his response is when I say that I miss him. He has responded that he misses me too and he can't wait to see me. However, the last time that I said that I was going to miss him when we were hugging goodbye (last weekend), he just gave me a bigger bear hug, made a moan but did not say those exact words back. But he has continued to call me everyday since.

It stinks because I told myself from the get go that I did not want to have strong feelings about anyone for a long time, but here I am falling hard. He was actually the one doing the pursuing and making all of the first moves, and he still goes for my hand first to hold it, etc. I know that I am having fear of rejection based on the fact that my ex cheated on me and that was one of the reasons for my divorce. I am just having a tough time understanding all these feelings to determine if I should start pulling back so that I don't get hurt again. I don't want to make him feel claustrophobic, but I don't want to be standoffish to make him think that I don't care. I just want to get to know him more and in the process to get closer to him. Like I said, we are getting together with his brother and his girlfriend/fiancee (my girlfriend from the restaurant) this coming weekend and then he and I are going on a ski trip for the rest of the weekend (Sat and Sun). Maybe it is a good thing at this point that we only see each other every other weekend because this forces us to only talk on the phone to get to know each other between that time. By the way, it was his idea to go away for a ski weekend instead of my idea of just going to a local ski hill.

Since typing this entry, I have decided that I will start to do what I was doing in the beginning and let him pursue more like he was when we first met instead of me contacting him the way that I have been this past week. I am going to take the advice that I have gotten here of just enjoying it and let it flow. It is hard though because I am the type of person that needs to KNOW where I am heading before I get there. This is not ALWAYS a good thing.

It also doesn't help much when my girlfriend tells me that she thinks that he is getting ready to introduce me to his parents and that she thinks that we will be getting married eventually, even calling me her sister-in-law, because that puts a lot of additional thoughts in my head as to why certain things are not occurring. I have told her that she can't say things like that just because she wants it for us. I know that she means well and boy am I chippy (but sometimes scared too) when she says these things.

Does anyone have a crystal ball out there? That would save me a lot of time!! I don't want me, my kids or anyone to get hurt and that is why I am so confused and concerned.

I did not realize that we already hit the second page of this thread. SORRY! Thank you talaniman for your words of comfort. I feel a lot better about my choice to tell the kids that I am dating someone. No, I am not telling them anymore than that, as they do not need to know specifics, nor would they understand. That is why I have decided to come back here to voice my feelings about my relationship with this man.

My son HAS been asking a lot of questions lately and I have just been saying that we go out but not where we go. He does know how we first met because I told him that I was going to a football game with "Auntie _____" (I left off my girlfriend's name, but my kids call her auntie), her fiancée and her fiancee's brother. I thought that we were going as friends, otherwise I would not have mentioned even that much. I didn't consider it a date, but rather a time that I was going out with friends. However, things went very well and that is how it all started. When the guy called me on the phone a couple of times while in the car or at home with my kids, I try to make it sound like I am just talking to a friend. However, my son has picked up on a lot more than I thought he would, maybe because I usually smile a lot more during these conversations. However, like I said before, I don't think that the guy has mentioned anything to his kids that he is dating ANYONE and this has caused me a lot frustration. I don't think that it is my business to know if he has said anything to his kids, but then there is part of me that would like to know. I am just going to leave it where it is and just try and live in the moment. Again, my head is saying one thing and my heart is saying something else.

Here is a brief update... I just got off the phone with him (he called me, as most times) and we talked about our plans for next weekend. At the end of the conversation, he was the one who said "I miss you", which is the first time that he was the one who said it first. God, I feel so immature right now that I have to worry about who said what first. But, someone in one of the earlier posts had asked me and I just wanted to provide an update to my earlier response. I guess I am the one who is making things so complicated. I just need to stop thinking so much.

Now, I just have to take it one day at a time and let the relationship unfold as it will. I will still need help down the road with how to phrase certain questions, as I feel like I am a fish out of water there. Not only is dating a lot harder when you get older because I feel like someone just decided to change all of the rules when I wasn't looking, but I have to remember that this is the first time that I have dated when I have had kids or anyone else has had kids. There is more at stake than when I was dating before I was married and had children. Ugh!!

Here is a brief update.... I just got off of the phone with him (he called me, as most times) and we talked about our plans for next weekend. At the end of the conversation, he was the one who said "I miss you", which is the first time that he was the one who said it first. God, I feel so immature right now that I have to worry about who said what first. But, someone in one of the earlier posts had asked me and I just wanted to provide an update to my earlier response. I guess I am the one who is making things so complicated. I just need to stop thinking so much.

Now, I just have to take it one day at a time and let the relationship unfold as it will. I will still need help down the road with how to phrase certain questions, as I feel like I am a fish out of water there. Not only is dating a lot harder when you get older because I feel like someone just decided to change all of the rules when I wasn't looking, but I have to remember that this is the first time that I have dated when I have had kids or anyone else has had kids. There is more at stake than when I was dating before I was married and had children. Ugh!!!!

Hi there! Thanks for the update. Sounds like things are going well. Don't hesitate to post any time. There will always be someone respond fairly quickly. I don't know if you realize or not but I sent a private message to you earlier in the day. No need to respond, I just didn't know if you would know where to go to access it. I didn't when I first got on this site and had direction from other posters which I appreciated so much.

The rules are different now it seems but keep in mind, you can write your own as you go! :p I do understand what you mean, just hoping to make you smile. Best to you.

Generally thinking too much leads to confusion, and assumptions. But Your thinking is down to earth, practical, and very responsible, which shows your mature and grounded. Very good traits to balance your own heart. Maybe the rules have changed, as I have been told by my younger colleagues here, but we know there are some rules that never change, like good manners and honesty. You have every right to expect the same from your date also. We may think things have changed from what we remember, but they really haven't. We are the ones who have done the changing. Have a good time getting to know each other, and don't let that smart little child you have get to nosey, LOL. Like you can stop him.

jrebel7 - Thanks for letting me know about the private message. I did not know that I had one, so I will go there right after I post my update. I know about the private messaging, but I hadn't been using this site for a long while. You know what they say, when you don't use it, you lose it!! Anyway, thanks again.

Talaniman - You have ALWAYS offered such good advice to everyone that I have seen on this site. You and I seem to visit a lot of the same posts so that is how I know. It is great to hear the viewpoints of other mature adults. You can ask your friends and family these same questions, but they will always tell you things that they think you want to hear, which is not always good. Thanks to everyone out there who has responded to my questions/concerns and to let me know I am normal!! However, I am still curious about how to pose certain questions i.e. have you mentioned to your kids that you are dating someone? At this point, though, I think I should just let well enough alone. However, at times I feel that he is keeping the fact that he is dating too big of a secret. He never talks on the phone with me when his kids are around (not that I really want them to hear what we are saying, etc.), but I have the ability to talk to anyone on the phone when my kids are around, I just choose the correct language to use and don't give out too much info when they are around. Am I asking too much?

Here is an update at any rate. He called me twice yesterday. The first time because he was running errands and he "just wanted to hear my voice" and the second time was because it was the usual time to chat before going to bed. I don't know why I was so worried before. Maybe it is because I had lost faith in the opposite sex from my past experiences. However, I need to let that go because not all men are like my ex.

Thanks again for all of your advice/encouragement, etc. And yes, my 12-year-old is very curious. I try to be as general as possible, but he can be so inquisitive sometimes. He is also very protective of his mama. He witnessed so much between his dad and I and he just wants me to be happy. About a month ago he told me that he just wants me to be happy and that he just wants this guy (or I think any guy) to treat me right. He has such a wall up against his father because of the things that he witnessed that he did to me. I think for a while, he was scared that I would find another man just like him, which thank God (I think) I have not. Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent.

Well, some of our plans for this weekend had to change, which I am disappointed about. However, the plans of WHAT we are doing have changed, but we will still be seeing each other and spending time together. He is supposed to be helping his brother do something, which was already the case, but it is going to take longer than anticipated. Therefore, by the time he gets home and we have to travel the three hours to where we were going, it would not be worth going. So, we are just going to stay by his place, go out to dinner and a movie, etc. I should be content that I am at least going to be spending time with him, but I am still very disappointed. I told him that I was disappointed and he took it in stride. I mentioned in an email that he sent me later that I can be a VERY understanding person, but he would have to really make it up to me. I phrased this statement in a joking manner because I don't want to sound like the y girlfriend. However, I felt that a statement of some kind had to be made so that my understanding nature is not taken advantage of. I know that these situations may happen again, as that is life and life almost never comes out the exact way you want it. But if it becomes a pattern, then I will have to be less joking and more adamant about not being pushed to the side. I understand that I have to be flexible and understanding, especially since he is a single father, but I am tired of being the "sweet girl" who has a heart of gold and who ALWAYS understands, not just with him but with other people too. This is an entirely separate issue and something that I have to work on within myself.

This post is more of a venting than a question of sorts. He said that he would be calling me again later tonight at our usual time, so I will be able to talk to him about this some more. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I want him to get into his head that I understand that sometimes plans have to change, but I don't want this to become a habit where everyone else gets priority over me. I can understand where his kids get top priority all of the time and I will never be able to compete against that. However, I need to come out on top of his friends and his siblings at least sometimes. Am I asking too much? Okay, so I did end it with a question, so please respond with your thoughts.

Thanks!! Any suggestions of how I candle handle these kinds of situations in the future so that I am not walked over by anyone.

Hi there!

My first question to you would be, "Is this the first time he has changed plans on you or has it happened often? From what I have gotten from earlier posts, he has been consistently there for you, calling, coming over, taking you out, etc. If I have misread, please let me know. It makes a difference on posts I would give and probably that others would give also, getting this clarified.

My suggestion would be if it happens regularly, just begin making other plans with other people (not saying guys) and stick to your plan even if he becomes available. Perhaps in the past as you say, you have always been the understanding one and that is not a negative until it makes you feel like a victim.

When one feels like a victim, then one begins to take on the personna of a victim. I know you must have been so disappointed. I am not saying you should not have been. It takes a ton of work but one must not depend on the actions of another to make or break their day. Just saying since you told him you were disappointed and it doesn't seem like it was something he could avoid this time since it was already in the works, it might be best to drop it rather than continuing to make a "statement" about it. I hope you don't take this as criticism for how you handled it this time. I am just a little concerned by your following statement:

"but I am tired of being the "sweet girl" who has a heart of gold and who ALWAYS understands, not just with him but with other people too. This is an entirely separate issue and something that I have to work on within myself."

I am a bit concerned that you might in future, without realizing it, try to punish this guy verbally or put the man you are beginning to care about in a precarious situation of always having to prove himself to you by making this a huge issue this early in the relationship. I feel you may still be reeling over past hurts and goodness, who of us aren't to some degree, right?? But I am hoping that the issue you refer to above does not creep in and cause you unhappiness when you seem so excited about this guy. I am not saying you should not address such issues, just as you mention, don't want to beat a dead horse. He probably feels bad about it anyway.

Also, I am not 'taking up' for him. Please don't misunderstand. I would be the first to say "Walk and Block" if this guy was mistreating you or placing you in a position of always having to be the one to take a back seat to others in his life. He disappointed you but it didn't sound from your post that he could actually help it this time and was still trying to spend time with you and enjoy your company. Perhaps you could let this go this time since you did address it a bit. Then the next time around, if it happened, you could address it as a serious issue with you. I am however, one who likes to put it all out on the table so people know what type person they are dealing with generally speaking but in this type of relationship, your relationship might need time to grow and flourish before sharing what you are going to need from him in order to be happy. Has he made you aware of what he needs and enjoys from a relationship?

One more thought: Guys tend to be very task oriented. He had this task going already, in the works, as you said so that was foremost on his mind from the prior commitment... sort of a 'getterdone' mentality. LOL It didn't sound like he meant to treat you with any disrespect, probably just wanted your time you have for this type of trip, to be ideal and not rushed.

I hope I have not missed the mark on this one. You will have other's helping here also and by now, you may have already worked through the emotion of your disappointment and already have more perspective on this situation. Best to you!

You are absolutely right, jrebel7!! When he called this evening - which was before I read your entry - I decided not to bring it up again. I have to say that I am proud of myself that I was thinking right by not saying anything. I remember me thinking during the phone call, "I should say something, but I really don't want to have a confrontation about this. I really think he is sorry and no matter what I say it is not going to change anything, other than to ruin the weekend that we have together." I feel that my entry this evening prior to his last phone call was more of a venting. I'm glad that someone else agrees that this was the proper thing to do. I don't feel so weak anymore.

Yes, I have been known in the past to keep everything inside of me and let other people walk over me time and time again, which only made me become resentful. I am scared that this could happen again and because of this I have put up a protective wall to a certain degree. So, yes I personally have issues of this happening to me before. However, this is the first time with this guy, other than having to cancel getting together on a Friday night a couple of weeks ago because his ex failed to pick up the kids. From what I have seen so far from this guy he wants to do so much for everyone that he spreads himself too thin. I can relate because I used to be the same way. I know both instances were totally out of his control and I guess I am just afraid that this could be a pattern, a pattern of unavoidable circumstances. I just want to be able to see as much of him as possible because the time that we DO have is so limited. However, I also have to protect myself and if this does become a pattern, I will address it at that time and no sooner than that time. I wouldn't want him to continually berate me for anything that was beyond my control. That is what my ex used to do to me and I hated it!!

What I have to keep in mind is that we ARE going to be spending time together, just doing different things. I am grateful for the fact that we will still be able to spend QUALITY time together instead of being rushed. The fact that others in my past took advantage of my understanding is not this guy's fault.

In answer to a question from jrebel7, since this is so early in our relationship, we have not had any serious discussions about what it will take to make each of us happy in a relationship, other than the commonality of being cheated on. I know that both of us have trust issues, and that is why I strongly believe that he is being truthful and is very sorry that this has happened. At least he told me 3 days in advance rather than the day of, which is what occurred a lot in my past. He could have waited until the very last minute to say something. He has NEVER stood me up. I think there was only one or two times that he did not call when he said he would. Both of these times he claimed that he fell asleep and did not wake up until the next morning. I can understand how that can happen because I have done that.

So, the result is... "Life" happens. I am not going to ruin the beginning of what I see is a fantastic relationship over something so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Mom of 2, bless your heart! You are thinking really well through all of this. One reason that I think I am able to address some of these issues you are going through are past experiences that I have from which to draw. I want to be an encourager to you but you know what?? I think you are doing just fine on your own! This is a great forum though and sometimes venting just gives us so much insight. You are doing great. I am very proud of you. I know you don't really know me, so to speak and that sentence might not mean a lot because of that, but I really am proud of the way you are thinking through your issues. It is a day at a time process. Vent anytime you need to. It is great therapy plus, as you get input from other's it just helps strengthen us when we know we are not alone.

Just wanted to update that last weekend was GREAT!! The hockey game was a lot of fun, because we both love hockey and we went with his brother and his fiancé (my girlfriend who I mentioned in the past). During dinner, I could have kicked my friend under the table when she came out and said, "So, when are you going to introduce her to mom and dad?" I think I almost choked on my pasta!! All he said was that they would be in Florida until May. So, I think it is progressing, but at a slow pace. Why is it that now that this subject has somewhat presented itself to having some kind of timeline I am started to get scared? Also, would it be normal for him to introduce me to his parents before his children? I know that I have NO say as to the order of things, but I was wondering for wondering sake.

It was also great to not have to rush around the day after the hockey game, even though I was alone in his house for about 5 hours. I think that says a lot in that he trusts me not to snoop. I kind of felt a little weird, but I just watched a lot of movies, read, played with his dog and just kind of lounged. He called me once and texted me to make sure that I was okay, to remind me that I could fix anything to eat and to give me an approximate time when he would be home. Boy, was it great to see him when he came back, though!! We then went out to dinner and a movie and just plain enjoyed each other's company. The next morning when I was getting ready to go, my car battery was dead because I left the interior light on. From my past experience of being yelled at and talked down to for every mistake I ever made, I became scared. Do you know what he did? He told me that it was no big deal and actually whistled a tune as he pulled out his charger. He did not berate me or even laugh at me. All he said was that this was an honest mistake, it could happen to anyone and that there was nothing to get mad about. He did chuckle a little and mentioned that there is never a dull moment with me!! Man, did I hate to leave. I just wanted to jump right back into his arms again and never let go.

A few days later, I went out with a group of girls, who included my friend who is engaged to this guy's brother - the girl from the hockey game. She proceeded to inform the entire group that she and I would soon be sister-in-laws and that she could not be happier. She also mentioned that he refers to me as his girlfriend to other people. It would just be nice to actually hear him introduce me as his girlfriend so that I would not feel so uncomfortable. I want to introduce him as my boyfriend, but I just don't want to scare him off. Maybe that is what he is thinking. How do I bring this subject up? Do I really need to bring this up? Uh oh, here I go again with the over thinking. Things are going well and I need to be satisfied with that.

We are getting together again this weekend and I can't wait!! I feel a great need to ask him questions, but I don't know if it is too soon, if it is ever necessary - I mean why do we women always need to define everything to death? I think that I am falling in love with him. However, I don't think that I can truly know if I love him until I see how my kids and him interact and how his kids and I interact. Each of our kids are so much a part of our lives that I don't think that we would truly know each other without knowing each other's kids. However, I don't want to rush it if it is too soon, as it has only been 3 1/2 months. I keep going between really wanting to meet them and not wanting to meet them. Is this normal? Now, if you think that at least discussions about meeting each other's kids should be brought up, what would be the best way to bring them up?

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to bring you up to date and I also had a lot of questions.

I was wondering for wondering sake.
Probably not the best use of your time.

Nope. It is not the best use of my time, and I know that. However, I find that my thoughts continually go there and I have to mentally stop myself. I think that I am just so worried that I will get hurt again, that I don't believe that I deserve to be happy and that I am waiting for the next shoe to fall. I believe I really want to control the events that I really don't have control over in order to shield myself from any future heartache/disappointment. I have always been that way. I continually tell myself, "Well, if I just knew about this detail, everything would be right with the world and I wouldn't worry anymore". However, once I find out the answer to one question, there is always another question that I want answered. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels that way. I can say, though, that this does not paralyze me, it just makes me wonder. In my past relationship and through my divorce process, I can tell you that the feelings that I was feeling were pure anxiety and fear. This is a little bit different. Although I do feel some fear of losing a great guy, there is a lot of excitement and anticipation, and wanting to get closer to him but not knowing when and how that will happen. Like I said before, I feel like a teenager sometimes.

Okay, here is an update. Things, I think, are continuing to go well. However, we have plans to get together tonight and spend the day together on Saturday before I go to work at 4:45. He warned me last night that his ex pulled another stunt and she is California right now for a supposed work conference. He does not have any information on when she is expected to be returning, whether it was to be last night or sometime today. His daughter tried calling her mom last night to find out what was going on but her mom did not answer the phone. She is supposed to be picking up the kids this afternoon for her weekend, but the past few times that she has been out of state for pleasure or for work, she did make it back on time and ended up not picking the kids up until the next day. In addition to working in another business part time, she also works for one of the airlines and she is able to take cheap flights by flying on standby. However, these are the seats that are always bumped first when the flights are crowded and there is no guarantee that they will be able to get on the flight that they want. This is the excuse that she gives as to why she misses flights back and cannot make it back in time to pick up the kids. I am trying to be understanding about this, but I am already getting tired of this, as this will be the third time that this has happened. I know that it is out of my control and I know that it is out of his control. However, I only get to see him every other weekend as it is and I just want to be able to see him. I am 100% positive that he is not lyng about this as a way to get out of our plans because he has vented his frustration to his brother and his brother's fiancé - who in turn has mentioned to me that he has been frustrated about this, but I am still worried that this will be the way our life is and I don't like it. I want to be patient, but it stinks. I mentioned my frustration to him last night and he let me vent - not that I vented very much. I just asked if this happened a lot and he said that this doesn't happen a lot but every once in a while. I asked if he thought that this would continue, and of course he said that he could not say, but he hoped that it wouldn't. I told him that it bothers me and that I am worried that this will be a problem in the future. He agreed with me and said that he is frustrated that it seems to only happen when it is her weekend with the kids. I don't know if there is any advice that anyone can give me at this time other than to be patient and see if this is a continuing pattern. I know that it is too soon to meet his kids and I don't want to rush the process just because I want to spend more time with him. I want for this to happen at the proper time and in the right way for the kids. However, this would not be such a problem if I knew the kids and they were comfortable with me and I could still spend time with him even if they were around. Again, I know that my past is making me doubt even the things that I am sure about because of the numerous times that my ex lied to me. I know that is what is happening in my mind. He is not my ex and has not lied to me before. But I am mad about this situation and I wish there was something that I could do to change it. Again, I don't want to beat a dead horse and to continue discussing this issue, but I am frustrated and I don't want this to continue. I know that I was given advice in the past to make plans with other people if our plans continue to be changed/cancelled. However, I can't do that a lot either, as my friends are important to me and I don't want to make "maybe" plans with them if my plans with him fall through, and then when my plans with him do happen as planned to then drop my plans with them and say, "Sorry guys, I'm getting together with him instead". I don't want to use my friends like that. I did that in high school and some of my friendships were strained because I could never do anything with them when I had a boyfriend because my boyfriend always wanted me to spend all of my time with him, which meant that I ignored my friends until the day that I did not have a boyfriend. Oh what to do, what to do. I know that I have done all that I can do at this point. Any comments about this would surely be welcomed.

Okay, here is an update. I know that it is too soon to meet his kids and I don't want to rush the process just because I want to spend more time with him. I want for this to happen at the proper time and in the right way for the kids. However, this would not be such a problem if I knew the kids and they were comfortable with me and I could still spend time with him even if they were around. Again, I know that my past is making me doubt even the things that I am sure about because of the numerous times that my ex lied to me. I know that is what is happening in my mind. He is not my ex and has not lied to me before. Oh what to do, what to do. I know that I have done all that I can do at this point. Any comments about this would surely be welcomed.

Just a thought but I don't see why this would not be the perfect time for you to meet he and his kids somewhere fun, not loud or tons of activity going on but relaxed yet somewhere they kids would enjoy... meet them, visit, just for awhile. I don't see why, as much time as you spend with him now and taking in consideration your feelings for him and his for you, why you are hesitant to meet the kids. At first, yes, but now, seems the ideal time. It would be a step forward, it would relieve your anxiety and worries. If he declines, communicate as to why so you know where he stand on this at this time. He may have a valid reason for not wanting to introduce them yet but then again, he may just be wanting to and feeling you don't think it is the appropriate time.

I would say this will be a common occurrence from time to time through possibly no fault on his or her part, because there is an ex and there are children. That goes with the package. It is something you need to realize because it may not be something you are willing to abide. If you can't accept that, you probably need to move on. I know you care about him a lot but by this time, you need to either meet the kids, see what you think about how the relationship will go when you are around them.

From experience I can tell you that once you have been hurt so deeply by lies, it is almost impossible to regain the ability to trust. Not impossible but for some personalities, like you and I, more difficult than for others. I have friends that get lied to, get upset about it but never question anything until the next time they find out they have been lied to even by the same person and these friends seem to own no red flags at all. You and I, I think, own too many red flags! LOL We need to trash a few of them. :p

Until he lies to you and you know he has, be very careful how you react when you are disappointed. If he is not a person who lies, that will get old very quickly and he will not want to have to be explaining himself all the time or constantly having to reassure you of his feelings. I can say this out of my experience so I am not trying to be short with you about it. I understand the anxiety you are writing about. It may not be within you to trust him or anyone else until you come to grips with the pain you have been through with your ex and everyone has their own time table on learning to trust again.

Again, I would make the suggestion to meet his kids (if you are willing also to introduce him to yours soon). See where that takes you. I wish you well. As we have said before, we like to know the ending before we get to it but when it comes to relationships, you just have to take it a day at a time, measure it out each day and see if you want it to continue. I would suggest you think about how it would feel if he were not in your life. If that seems too painful, I would be extra careful in this situation regarding his children. I doubt you would want to feel he was putting pressure on you if it were the other way around.

I am not a relationship expert so take what you can from what I say and trash the rest. :p

Just some thoughts, hoping to help you get a little balance in your emotions. Venting helps and since you posted, you may have already worked through this. Best to you! :)

Jrebel - Yes, as you already know, and I have admitted to it in the past, I do use these posts to vent. Not only does this help me work through my feelings and get advice from others, but it is my hope that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else out there in a similar situation who may not be able to bare their feelings on a site like this.

To Jrebel and everyone else, since the time of my last post, my boyfriend's ex DID get back from out of state and did in fact pick up the kids on Friday night, albeit a little late, but it still worked out. Yes, I do realize that since children and an ex are involved, it does complicate a relationship. He did not lie about the situation. I can deal with complications, I cannot deal with lies. With each situation that has come my way in this relationship, I have continued to be shown that this is a trustworthy guy and I am coming to trust this person more and more.

In regard to the kid situation, I am more than willing to have him meet my kids at this time, as I feel that he is such a great person who would be a positive influence in their lives, as well as the fact that I see a future with this individual. I am more excited now than scared to introduce my children to him and for me to meet his children. However, like I said before, I don't want to rush it, as I think he wants to introduce me to his parents first. I think I was just frustrated in my earlier post because if I knew his kids at this time, it would not be such a big deal with me being there at the time that his ex picked up the kids, etc. Just because it would have been more convenient for him and I, this does not mean that it is in the best interests of the children. I know in time, we will meet each other's kids. I just have to be a little more patient. I don't want to rush a good thing.

Yesterday, he took me with him to shop for a new car because he said that he wanted my opinion. To me, this is a clear indication that he values my opinion, which says a lot about our relationship. In addition to that, he wanted me to help him pick out a new bedroom set for his son. We did not find anything at this time, but it was the idea that he asked me to help him with something that was for his child that made it important to me, and I was glad to help. He also went out of his way to introduce me to one of his good friends (by driving impromply to this guy's house), saying that this was an important person in his life and he wanted me to meet him and for this person to meet me. Finally, while driving in his car and talking on the phone with two people, he told them that he was with me, which is something that he has not done in the past. (In the past whenever he would be on the phone with someone and I was present, he did not mention that I was even there.) There are always steps in any relationship and I am really convinced that these are positive steps in the right direction. I think that he just wants to introduce me and make it known that we are together to all of the important adult family and friends in his life before we involve our children. I have to remind myself that if this relationship is worth it, things cannot be rushed. If it were over a year and not just the 4 months that we have known each other, I think that I would have a reason to be worried. I am more and more confident that this introduction will be happening soon. I have to also remind myself that I have YET to introduce him to any of my family members and I already know 4 of his family members (2 brothers and their wife/girlfriend). All in good time I guess. I want to introduce him to my family members and I hope to be able to do that very soon.

If it were over a year and not just the 4 months that we have known each other, I think that I would have a reason to be worried.
ANY time you want to worry, you'll be able to find a reason.

As I said I would, I just lived in the moment today and did not worry one time about "what if" this and "what if" that. I kept myself busy and focused on the things that I needed to accomplish. I could not believe that time flew by more quickly. When he called tonight at his usual time, I was shocked that it was that time already. I just felt so much more accomplished today and more at ease. What a big difference this change in mindset made my day!! It is amazing how changing perspective and the way I do things that makes so much of a difference. I cannot believe that I was wasting so much energy to this kind of worrying. I can't believe that it was so easy!!

Just thought that you all would want to know. Thanks again for all of your support and comments. I will continue to move forward, no matter what the future holds for me. I don't have control of anything other than how I act/react to the moment that I am in.

I think as long as you take your time, and enjoy the getting to know each other very well, process, you both will be fine. There is no hurry for any reason right now, not even to involve the kids.

It is amazing how changing perspective and the way I do things that makes so much of a difference. I cannot believe that I was wasting so much energy to this kind of worrying. I can't believe that it was so easy!!!!
"I think she's got it!"
"By GEORGE, she's got it!!"

I also wanted to let everyone know that I was introduced to my guy's fishing buddy over the weekend. After shopping for a new car for him and after picking out new bedroom furniture for his son, we drove way out of our way (about 40 minutes) to this guy's house because "I want you to meet _____ and I want him to finally meet you." I take it as a really good sign and a step in the positive direction that he sees a future for our relationship. He has also made a statement that once his folks get in from Florida in May that I would be meeting them around that time. I believe that this is a precursor to us meeting each other's kids. Again, I am excited and scared at the same time. I am trying to take things one day at a time, but it is sometimes real hard not to try and think about the future and what it will hold. I think about the future with excitement and not fear. Whatever will happen will happen.

Thanks, ordinaryguy, for the compliment!! I think I always knew that I should be doing this, but it is so easy sometimes to fall into the "what ifs" because I so much want to know what the future holds. I am so excited about this relationship that I cannot wait to see what it holds for us. Last weekend was such a good weekend, even though it was rather short. It just seemed that we were doing REAL couple things and it really felt great. It is quite apparent that he is talking about me to all of his closest friends because of what his one buddy said to me, "You do exist after all. We have been thinking that you were a figment of his imagination and were wondering when we were going to meet you."

Now what I am finding is that I am doing an awful lot of is daydreaming. Hey, at least it is not worrying!! I just wonder what he is doing while I am doing the laundry, making the beds, grocery shopping, etc. People at work claim that I have recently gone to the planet Mars because I seem to drift off from time to time. I still get my work done, but sometimes when a co-worker is asking my opinion of something, I have to ask them to repeat something, which I never had to do before.

Guess what?? Tonight he did not call. And guess what?? I did not worry!! I know that he is off work because his kids are on spring break and something probably just came up, etc. Just 2 to 3 weeks ago (heck, even 1 week ago!! ), I would probably have felt that he had forgotten about me and that he did not like me anymore. And further guess what?? I did not text him or try calling him to see what was up. I know that I will hear from him tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the next day, etc. I think that because of what occurred this past weekend, it created a real "aha!!" moment for me. What a difference though!! Sometimes a girl just needs to be shown a certain sign, and I believe that I was shown one!!

I will continue to enjoy getting to know him and will eagerly anticipate me meeting his parents around the month of May. If it does not happen at that exact month, I will not worry (okay, maybe a little). I know that introducing someone you are dating to important family members is a stressful step for anyone to make, as I have yet to introduce him to any of my family members. One of the reasons for this is because I have not gone out on "dates" with my siblings, as the only times that I get together with them is during "family functions", which always involves all of the kids. However, I guess that I could talk to my brother and his wife who don't have kids yet about getting together with them for something. It is just weird because I have not done the "date" thing with my brother in a LOOOONNNGGG time (for about 12 years) because I usually have the kids when we get together. I have to start thinking that I need to start making steps in that direction as well. I only know his two brothers because I met them (and know one of them rather well) before I was ever introduced to him. So, to me, this does not really count because "he" did not "introduce me". However, we have done things together with them, which maybe could be considered the same thing as a form of introduction.

Well, this post ended up being A LOT longer than I anticipated. So, I will end it here. Any comments/suggestions, as always, are welcome.

Thanks!!

Thanks Mom, you have made my day start on a happy, hopeful note, and I appreciate it.

Talaniman, you are welcome. I am so happy that I am in a more positive spot about this and so many things in my life.

In addition to this, I just got back from the accountant and found out that I am getting a refund this year. Yippeee!! Last year I had to pay. I know, this is so off the subject! My guy called while I was in my accountant's office to make sure that I was feeling better, since I had the flu on Tuesday and Wednesday. I told him that I had to call him back. When I did, I was so excited to tell him about the refund because he knew that I had to pay last year. It is so great to be able to tell someone (other than my siblings and mom) good news, because my kids just don't understand some things. This is one of the things that I love being in a relationship for! He had me laughing all the way home with some of the things that he was telling me and the banter back and forth was just great. It really is the little things that make a relationship so worth while. I can't wait to see him again!! He is such a great guy.

Thanks again to all of you for your encouragement. I promise that I won't worry as much about the what ifs. I can't promise that I won't from time to time, but at least I won't allow it to paralyze me!!

I just got off the phone with "C" (I hate saying "my guy" or other phrases) for the second time today and things appear to be moving along quite nicely (he called me twice). He told me that he was hanging out today with the friend that he introduced me to last weekend, in addition to another one of his buddies, and they were talking about the fact that I really do exist. He said that I would be meeting this friend soon as well.

He then was talking about what vacation schedules (mine with my kids, etc.) and it sounds as though he is trying to line everything up during the summer to match up our schedules, etc. He kept saying that summer was going to be here before we knew it.

I am now more at ease and less worried about whether he likes me, because now I know that he does, otherwise he would not be calling me almost everyday (sometimes twice a day) and asking me about my schedule for this week as well as my plans for the summer, etc.

Now that I have gotten over that mole hill (although I thought it was a mountain for a period of time), any suggestions about how to introduce each other to eachother's family? Not just the kids, but I am saying about the adults first and then the children. Can anyone give me advice as to the things that I need to consider, things that have worked for you when it comes to blending families? No - I am not thinking or talking about marriage at this time, just introductions as it relates to bringing the kids together, and other adult family members together, etc. I am pretty confident that things will work out well, but I am always interested and open to any suggestions that anyone would like to make on this subject. Not only for me but for others who may be reading this thread.

Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?
You have been divorce for about one year and four months. Now, I do not have children, and nor will I ever know what you have been through in your past relationship with the father of you children. What I can do, is communicate with you from a daughter’s point of view. My father and mother split up when I was two; I do not know my mother only my father. Because my parents got divorce, things completely changed. Although my father remarried, life for my brother and I will never be the same. My father may not realize it, but their divorce has affected my brother and I more than it may have affected him. We may have a close family, but the truth is, their will always be a gap. To feel and know that someone missing in our lives or the woman that we call mom is not our mother and she who has brought our father happiness is not our mother are thoughts and hurts that will hunt my brother and I forever. It does not sound like you are trying to replace you children father (that is good) but even if they saw their father daily, something will always be miss. What I am getting from your words is that you are going through an emotional phase (which is normal) and need a little bit of adventure; you want to be love as if it is you first love. You want to be hold, comfort you, and told that all will be okay when you are scared. The fact that you both are divorce with children is a good thing, but three months into a relationship does not provide you with enough information to think “love”. You do not want to be hurt again, take your time in really get to know him and the type of person he really is. Remember, you did thought your X was the right one but turned out not to be, try not to make that mistake twice. Observe him carefully, and keep in mind that any decision you make now will affect you and your beautiful children afterward. After all, coming from a divorce marriage you can never be too curious about the next man in your life. You are able to tell that you are going through an emotional phase when you are thinking about speeding things up but have not thought about meeting or getting to know his children. It is the same thing oppositely. Take your time, you will definitely know when the time is right.

Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?
You have been divorce for about one year and four months. Now, I do not have children, and nor will I ever know what you have been through in your past relationship with the father of you children. What I can do, is communicate with you from a daughter’s point of view. My father and mother split up when I was two; I do not know my mother only my father. Because my parents got divorce, things completely changed. Although my father remarried, life for my brother and I will never be the same. My father may not realize it, but their divorce has affected my brother and I more than it may have affected him. We may have a close family, but the truth is, their will always be a gap. To feel and know that someone missing in our lives or the woman that we call mom is not our mother and she who has brought our father happiness is not our mother are thoughts and hurts that will hunt my brother and I forever. It does not sound like you are trying to replace you children father (that is good) but even if they saw their father daily, something will always be miss. What I am getting from your words is that you are going through an emotional phase (which is normal) and need a little bit of adventure; you want to be love as if it is you first love. You want to be hold, comfort you, and told that all will be okay when you are scared. The fact that you both are divorce with children is a good thing, but three months into a relationship does not provide you with enough information to think “love”. You do not want to be hurt again, take your time in really get to know him and the type of person he really is. Remember, you did thought your X was the right one but turned out not to be, try not to make that mistake twice. Observe him carefully, and keep in mind that any decision you make now will affect you and your beautiful children afterward. After all, coming from a divorce marriage you can never be too curious about the next man in your life. You are able to tell that you are going through an emotional phase when you are thinking about speeding things up but have not thought about meeting or getting to know his children. It is the same thing oppositely. Take your time, you will definitely know when the time is right.
P.S. sorry to my life into you answer. I am trying to make you think before any action can be taken. Thank and I hope every thing works out for you.

I have to agree somewhat, with the previous poster, as I think while the adults make plans, you have to always prepare the kids for any changes to their lives, and talking to them to get their feelings on some strangers intruding on their lives, is mandatory, given they went through a divorce, and had no say in it. I think talking and asking them how they feel about you dating, can be telling and help you decide how to proceed. I hope you can temper those intense emotions, and enthusiasm, with some pragmatic thoughts, that lead to some very thought out actions. Just a subject for you and him to discuss, with your kids.

I totally agree with the last two posts, as this is the very reason that I had posed the question to begin with. I like to hear what other people feel about this subject (and others). After re-reading my posts, it does sound like I want to speed things along and jump headlong into marriage again, but I really don't. I have a tendency to think a lot (sometimes over think) about what my next steps are before moving forward, as I don't like to make mistakes, especially where kids are concerned. It is great to hear from a young person who is actually a child of divorce (not that you are necessarily a child now) and how these relationships have an effect on the children. You provided a lot of food for thought, as I don't want to make a mistake with my children or with his children.

I like the pace that this relationship is now taking. However, from the discussions that "C" and I have had together, it sounds like introducing the children will be here before we know it. Maybe by the time it actually gets here, it will be a year, which I have heard is about the right time to introduce kids into a relationship. I just want to do it in the right way, at the right time, etc.

My kids know that I am dating someone and they (especially my son) have been asking me questions and want to meet him. I have told my kids that this person is very special and someone who I have fun with. My son is a little confused because I have a lot of friends through work, etc. that they know and interact with (both men and women) and he does not understand why he has not met this one particular person yet. I get together a lot, especially over the summer, with these people because we have a common link with our children and we have a lot of fun together, but they are just friends. I think this is what is making me think more and more about this, the fact that my kids want to meet the guy I am seeing. I want to be able to give my kids what they want by introducing them, but at the same time, I want to do it in the right way and at the right time. I AM excited about this new relationship. My son is not very close to his dad and I have a sense that he kind of wants to replace him, which is sad. He has told me out and out that if he had his way, he would not want to spend any time with his dad. I continue to try and foster his relationship with his dad by saying that he needs to know his dad and that when he is an adult, he can make his own decisions on what he wants to do and who he wants in his life. I also explained that even when I was a child, my parents made me do things that I did not understand as a child, but as I grew, I began to understand and appreciate the reasons and was thankful to my parents for making me do things that I did not want to do while I was younger. My son is VERY close to me and I know that he only wants to see me happy, as he has seen me go through hell with his dad.

Not that I am NOT concerned about MY kids, but I am more concerned about "C's" kids. I want them to like me and not be angry at me for the mere fact that I am dating their dad. From what I have learned from "C", he says that they are not particularly close to their mother due to some decisions that she has made and some things that she has said to them. In fact, his ex is seriously considering moving to a different state, which would mean that she would not be seeing the kids as much (he has residential custody of his kids and they live with him 90% of the time). I know that they are going through a lot because of this and I certainly don't want to add to this.

Anyway, any thoughts about this would be greatly appreciated.

Here is an update.

I had a great weekend with "C". The day before we got together this weekend, he asked me on the phone if I could help him in rearranging some furniture in his basement. I made a couple of suggestions on how to turn the furniture and that he might want to get a new couch, etc. He liked my ideas. Then he wanted me to look at the rest of the rooms and do those as well. We went to the store and picked out some things to add to his family room and made a few changes there. I am excited about this, as I feel that he really values my opinions and I view it as a REAL positive step in our relationship.

He called me on Sunday night a few hours after his kids got home to let me know that his kids really liked the changes that were made. That made me feel really good because I was nervous about how they would feel about that.

We also talked about our feelings for each other and how we both don't want to get hurt again, and that we don't want our kids to get hurt as well. Although we did not specifically set a date about introducing the kids, we briefly mentioned that this would happen sometime in the future.

Again, I like what is happening in the relationship and I am trying to take it as it comes.

Here is an update.

I had a great weekend with "C". The day before we got together this weekend, he asked me on the phone if I could help him in rearranging some furniture in his basement. I made a couple of suggestions on how to turn the furniture and that he might want to get a new couch, etc. He liked my ideas. Then he wanted me to look at the rest of the rooms and do those as well. We went to the store and picked out some things to add to his family room and made a few changes there. I am excited about this, as I feel that he really values my opinions and I view it as a REAL positive step in our relationship.

He called me on Sunday night a few hours after his kids got home to let me know that his kids really liked the changes that were made. That made me feel really good because I was nervous about how they would feel about that.

We also talked about our feelings for each other and how we both don't want to get hurt again, and that we don't want our kids to get hurt as well. Although we did not specifically set a date about introducing the kids, we briefly mentioned that this would happen sometime in the future.

Again, I like what is happening in the relationship and I am trying to take it as it comes.

Hi there! You both sound like you are thinking things through and being considerate of not only one another but of your children. It has been refreshing to read how much thought each of you are putting in to the relationship. I am assuming he told his children that you helped in the rearranging of furniture and by so doing, introduced the kids in a subtle way to the idea of you being in the home and a part of their dads life. Is this correct? You sound happy and settled down a bit from your first posts. I am so happy for you.

Jrebel7 - I don't know if he mentioned that anyone, me specifically, helped him or what. At this point, that is really not that important to me. I am just flattered that he values my opinions and wants me to have a lasting impact on his and his childrens' home. I mean, why would you ask someone to help you decorate if you did not have any serious thoughts about the relationship? Nothing is written in stone, but to ask someone to help in decorating kind of puts a stamp on the relationship, as you will constantly have reminders of that person while looking around the place. I am just viewing this as a positive step in our relationship - a stepping stone you might say. Their home is beautiful in its own right, but you can tell that a man lives there and not a woman. Maybe telling me that his kids liked the changes is his way of stroking my ego, by saying that what I am doing is working for him and ultimately his children.

I was just curious. I was not meaning to offend you. I apologize. I was just thinking if that is what he did, it was a very inventive way of slowly introducing the thought of having a new person in their lives. He sounds like someone who would think things through that thoroughly It is as you say, it was a compliment to you either way. I agree with you that he does value your opinion.

Jrebel7 - There is nothing to apologize for, as I did not take your statement as being offensive at all! All that I was saying is that he may have, but I don't know for sure. I am not quite sure what exactly he says to his kids, and I don't want to question him on everything that he does and says (although sometimes I REALLY want to know! ). I know that he has told them that he is starting to have his own life again, but again, I don't know what he has talked to them about exactly.

In a way, I DO think that this was his way of VERY SLOWLY introducing the thought of change and progression in all of their lives. He is definitely someone who thinks thoroughly about things. When it comes to the children, you can't think too much.

I mean, why would you ask someone to help you decorate if you did not have any serious thoughts about the relationship? Nothing is written in stone, but to ask someone to help in decorating kind of puts a stamp on the relationship, as you will constantly have reminders of that person while looking around the place. I am just viewing this as a positive step in our relationship - a stepping stone you might say.
Sure make me the bad guy! I just caution you to not put a lot of stock, in the motivation of others. Take it for what it is, just giving a guy a helping hand. Darn, don't mean to rain on the parade, but we can make more of things just by assuming, and get very carried away. I am glad your doing little things together, now that's a positive. Shoot me I deserve it!

I understand what you are saying and I have to agree with it to an extent. Maybe you're right in that he just simply wants help, but I don't think that this is his ONLY motivation. I am having fun with it anyway, as I love decorating.

When I went back and re-read what I wrote about "putting a stamp on the relationship", it sounds like I think this is a done deal and that we will be together forever. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. What I have found so far is that he is not necessarily a man of many words, but he is a man of actions. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do think that our relationship is progressing in a very positive direction.

When we are together next weekend, I have decided that I want to tell him how I feel about him.

So far, this is what I have been thinking:
"C, I want to tell you something. You have become a very special person in my life and I am having a great time getting to know you. I love spending time with you, laughing with you, holding your hand, cuddling while watching a movie and just being with you. I feel like I can be myself around you and I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. I don't know what the future holds, but I like what we have right now."

Any suggestions that you want to make are always welcome.

I just got home from work a couple of hours ago. I had a phone conversation with "C" while I was at work. He told me that his ex did it to him again. She was supposed to pick up the kids on Friday and then return them on Sunday. However, she has to work on Friday and Saturday. Instead, she wants to pick them up on Sunday and keep them through Monday night. She said that she could pick them up on Friday and have them until Sunday afternoon, but they would have to come to work with her, which would mean that they would miss their baseball and softball games that they had scheduled on Saturday. As I thought that he was trying to tell me that we would not be able to see each other this weekend, I told him that even though I was disappointed that we could not see each other this weekend, I understood. After I finished that sentence he said, "Hold on, we are not going to miss this weekend totally. I told (daughter's name) that she just has to stay home instead of going out with her friends on Friday because she had to babysit (her brother). We are going out on Friday." His daughter is old enough to babysit (she is 16), so I know that this would be okay. However, why do I feel bad about this? I really want to see him, I can't wait to see him. I DO feel flattered that he has a plan that will still allow us to do something on Friday, but I still feel bad for his kids in a way. Why am I feeling this way? This is a good plan because this will still allow us to see each other and still allow his kids to make it to their games on Saturday afternoon. Is he doing the right thing? Should I tell him that we should just cancel our plans? Part of me says that we should cancel our plans, while part of me says that his kids are old enough to do this and that he is showing that he is taking charge of his life and not allowing his ex to dictate what he can and cannot do because of her change in plans. Oh what to do??

Let him decide how to handle his ex and his kids and if he's able to work it out so you can still see each other, enjoy it. Lighten up, already.

Your disappointed for his kids. Seems to me he is very accommodating of you, that's good. But I understand your feelings. Honestly though, even if plans don't change, express that disappointment rather than not. Just me, I think its important for couple to be able to always have an opinion, and give it voice. But then again, my wife doesn't always want to hear it. But I still express it, just so she knows, and doesn't have to assume how I feel.

Yes, he is VERY accommodating. I just don't want it to come across to his kids that he is picking me over them. But, then again, he really is not because this is normally the weekend that he would not have the kids and we already had plans.

I am not trying to be difficult, it's just that I don't want them to hate me for taking their dad away from them before I actually meet them. I will "lighten up" and enjoy it. I have told him that even though his ex has done things that sometimes puts a change in our plans, we will work through it. The last thing that he needs is another person (let alone another woman) putting pressure on him for something that is beyond his control. I am actually excited about this turn of events because it is making him come out my way (this will be the first time that he will be at my apartment) and I am not the one who is driving the 40 minutes to his place. Things do happen for a reason sometimes.

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend who is engaged to "C's" brother and told her about the situation. She is not surprised that this has happened, but she assured me that his kids would be okay and that his kids are really easy going and for me not to worry about it.

Sooooo, I am not going to worry about it. I am letting him worry about it and make whatever changes that he feels are necessary for this situation and not stress over it.

Okay, it's been a while and I just wanted to update everyone. This past Saturday, C and I were supposed to get together and spend all Saturday evening together. I took the night off work and I was going to get to his place around 5 p.m. Everything was a go on the Thursday before. THEN his ex informed him on Friday afternoon that she had to work that weekend and that even though she would still be able to take the kids, the kids would not be able to attend their sporting events because she had to work, which means that they would have had to stay at her place all alone until she got off at 10 p.m. She wouldn't even be home to spend time with them! The kids did not want to miss their games (if his daughter missed her high school softball game, she would run the risk of having to sit out for a game or possibly being dropped from the team). Therefore, C and I had to cancel our plans entirely. We did not get to see each other this weekend at all, which means that it will be a complete month without us being able to see each other. Because I have been so busy with things around my place and with work, it has not been as bad as I thought it would be. I am trying not to dwell on it too much, as it is so totally out of my control.

THEN, I get an email from him this morning in which he forwarded the response that he received from his ex, stating that she will be working every single weekend and that on the weekends that she is supposed to have the kids, she will be able to take them, but they will have to miss all of their games and practices and that they would be home alone. She stated that they are not babies and they are responsible enough to stay home alone. Yeah, I could agree with that argument if she still lived in the same neighborhood that they have grown up in and they had friends to hang out with. She was the one who moved to a town about 40 minutes away, so the kids don't have any friends where she lives.

I responded to his email and told him that we would work through this situation and that this is just a slight inconvenience for us. I mentioned that I was not willing to give up on us just because of this little problem and that although I am disappointed that it might be yet another month before we are able to see each other, we can do it. I also mentioned that although it would be easier for us if we knew eachother's kids and that I would love for my kids to meet him and for me to meet his kids, it was still too early to do this AND that doing this next serious step just to make it easier for us would not necessarily be in the best interest of the kids. I also stated in the email that we can talk about this later and that I did not want to discuss it further in an email. He called tonight, but the exact subject of introducing the kids was not brought up. He did say that he would talk to his daughter and she would have to stay home one night a week every other week to watch her brother so that we can be together. I guess this is only going to be until mid June so that the kids will still be able to attend their baseball games. I AM frustrated over this situation, but I knew the possibilities of what I was getting into when I first met him. His first few statements about himself was that he was a father of two children and that it was all about the children. I appreciated that (both then and now) because that is the way that I feel about my kids. I know that it will not be like this forever. I am viewing this situation as a sort of test. If we find that we still want to be together, learn about each other and continue to move forward regardless of all of the obstacles that we encounter at the very start of our relationship, then it will only make our relationship that much stronger. What do you think?

I think that any couple that is willing to work together, to solve their issues to the benefit of both partners, have a great chance of surviving, and thriving. Kids are always first, as partners can be together anytime.

Because our phone conversation on Tuesday night was a little stilted, and because C did not call me on Wednesday night, I sent him an email Wednesday night around 11 p.m. that basically apologized about the email that I had sent him on Tuesday. In that apology email, I said that it was my intent to express my understanding of his situation and that we would get through this. I also stated that it was NOT my intent to pressure him in any way. I am hoping that this will open up the discussion that if now is not the time to introduce the kids, when will it be the time. If the discussion does not happen within the next couple of months, then I am sure that this email will bring it up sooner than if it was never brought up at all. I am getting a lot of advice from my well meaning friends that we "should introduce the kids now" and "what is he waiting for?", especially with the fact that his ex is starting to make it more difficult for us by not being able to take the kids on her designated days. I know I have to stop listening to these people and continue to focus on what is working for C's and my relationship and to talk to him about the issues that may not be working, which is only this issue at this time.

So, it is my hope that C and I will talk about this issue soon. My kids continue to ask when they will meet him and why they have not met him yet. I pretty much have my conversations with C after they have gone to bed, although there are times when he has called when they were around and they are aware of our relationship, although they certainly don't know the specifics.

Talaniman, tried to share the rep but too soon!

Loved where you wrote "great chance of surviving, and thriving"... too many times our minds are only on surviving! What a great positive post!

I wouldn't worry about meeting kids until around the 6 month mark, when the direction this relationship will take, is a lot more apparent. He must have the time, and space to deal with his ex, whom is becoming a problem on his own, with NO pressure from you. Support, but do not push, even gently. Remember there is much more to learn about each other, and there is NO HURRY.

Just an update. Thanks again to everyone for their advice. I have not been putting any pressure on him regarding meeting his kids and/or family (his mom, dad and brothers). Since the last time that I posted, he has been the one to mention wanting to go out with his three brothers and their significant others so that they can meet me. I just agreed that I was open to that and to let me know when it would be so that I could make sure that I got the night off, as I work when I don't have my kids or if C and I don't have plans to do something. Well, last night he stepped it up a notch by inviting me to his house this Sunday (yes, Father's day) so that I could meet EVERYONE!! His mom, dad, brothers and their wives as well as his kids and all of his nephews and nieces. I am excited but nervous beyond belief. I don't know if I am more nervous about meeting his Italian mother (who I have heard about from my friend that she is a typical Italian mother) or meeting his kids. His kids have been going through a lot of garbage with their mother this past week, which has got to hurt. Apparently, she refuses to take them on her designated weekends (funny how this refusal just started about the same time that the kids found out that their dad was seeing someone) because she has other commitments. Also, C found his daughter crying on the phone the other night while talking to her mom and overheard her tell her mom, "Why are you yelling at me, I did nothing wrong?" After she got off the phone, she told him that she was trying to ask her mom if she could come over sometime this week, but her mom told her that she did not have the time. I am just a little nervous that she will resent meeting me because of the fact that she cannot seem to be able to get her mom to be a part of her life. I know that I don't have any control over what she will think of me, that I need to just be myself and let her warm up to me. I know I will probably get advice from some of you to lighten up and not worry so much, but my heart really goes out to this girl. Like I said, I am both excited and nervous. No, my kids will not be with me because they will be with their dad on his special day. C and I will just have to discuss how he will meet my family. I am just so glad that this chance has finally arrived!!

I know that I don't have any control over what she will think of me, that I need to just be myself and let her warm up to me.... I am just so glad that this chance has finally arrived!!!

That's terrific Mom of 2! Very glad to hear your wonderful news.

Just an update. Thanks again to everyone for their advice. I have not been putting any pressure on him regarding meeting his kids and/or family (his mom, dad and brothers). Since the last time that I posted, he has been the one to mention wanting to go out with his three brothers and their significant others so that they can meet me. I just agreed that I was open to that and to let me know when it would be so that I could make sure that I got the night off, as I work when I don't have my kids or if C and I don't have plans to do something. Well, last night he stepped it up a notch by inviting me to his house this Sunday (yes, Father's day) so that I could meet EVERYONE!!! I know I will probably get advice from some of you to lighten up and not worry so much, but my heart really goes out to this girl. Like I said, I am both excited and nervous. No, my kids will not be with me because they will be with their dad on his special day. C and I will just have to discuss how he will meet my family. I am just so glad that this chance has finally arrived!!!

I was just thinking about you the other day wondering how things were progressing. :p WOW! Isn't it strange how things can seem to hit a bump and then get so exciting so quickly. We all would probably, as you say, advise you to "lighten up and not worry so much" but easier said than done. I would be nervous also but just keep in mind that the more open you are, the more receiving they will be. Just take a deep breath in before entering the door and smile and let your sweet self show through. Sometimes it is difficult for me to get out of my "box", "shell", "space", whatever you would call it but when I open up, all things seem to blossom. Keep us posted. I am excited to hear things are going so well for you. :)

I just got home from work a little while ago and felt the need to update everyone on how Sunday went. It could not have gone better. His family is soooo nice and welcoming. I felt totally at ease with everyone, including his kids. His mother actually turned out to be a sweetheart.

Basically, I could not sleep for the two days prior to meeting them. I kept on waking up on the hour every hour. I worked until 3:30 p.m. and got to his place at 5 p.m. after taking a shower at my place. They were waiting to eat until I got there, which I thought was totally uncalled for, as everyone had gotten there at 12 p.m. and had to have been starving at that time. After calling him to let him know that I was pulling into his subdivision, I parked my car down the street and walked slowly to his front door. I felt (just a little bit) like a sheep going to slaughter. I was excited and nervous at the same time. As I was walking up to the front door, C appeared from the backyard. I am sure that I had a look of panic on my face because he giggled a little bit and said that everything was going to be okay, that they were going to love me, etc. I followed him, holding his hand, and he introduced me to the one brother that I did not meet and this brother's wife. After that, he walked me over to his son, who was so sweet, and then he walked me over to his mom. It was at that point that my heart sunk and the rest of the girls giggled, as I am sure that they could remember this same feeling. His mom turned out to be an absolute sweetheart. I said hello, and on the advice of my friend, I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She said that she remembered me from an earlier party that my girlfriend had at her house and she welcomed me to the gathering. At that point, my girlfriend walked up to me, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going in for a drink". While in the kitchen, she told that I did extremely well. C had followed us into the kitchen and it was at that point that he introduced me to his daughter, who was coming out of the house into the backyard. She just smiled and said hello. I cannot believe that I had spent two nights worrying about something that was over with in a matter of 5 minutes! I then went back outside and C's sister-in-law struck up the 20-question conversation. I was polite and answered all of her questions, knowing that I had nothing to hide. Apparently everything went well because I was told by his family members that I was to make sure that I got the day off for a graduation party and a birthday party in July. C simply said, "She will and we will be there." C and I both had a sort of silent agreement to stand by ourselves without glomming onto each other. I certainly did not want to make his kids uncomfortable, and I know that he was thinking the same thing. He just kept looking at me and smiled and I smiled back. His daughter actually sat next to me for quite a bit of the time and we talked about the fact that the high school that I went to was just down the street from the high school that she currently attends (she goes to the Catholic high school that is located just down the street from the high school that I went to) and how much it changed. She also talked about how she was excited to get her license in August.

At the end of the night, his kids retreated to their rooms, which apparently is typical for them. C and I stayed in the backyard and just talked. We refrained from holding hands, which was silently accepted by the both of us. I was scared that one of his kids was going to come out and "catch us". Again, I don't want to do anything that is going to cause his kids to resent me in anyway. This was a big step, but it certainly does not mean that I am totally in the free and clear. Although his kids have now been officially introduced to their father's girlfriend, it is still such a new idea for them and will take some time for them to feel totally comfortable with me. The next step for us is for him to meet my kids. That part will be so much easier for me.

Whew!! I completed a huge step, a step that I had anxiously waited for and was a lot less severe than I had originally thought it would be like. I am just so happy that it went so well.

That's the most beautiful thing I've read for a long time... :))))

That's so great to hear that things went so well.

Enjoy this getting to know everyone stage.

It has been a loooong time since I posted anything and so much has happened that I felt the need to update everyone.

1. I introduced my kids to C and they both liked him very much. My son actually gave me "permission" to continue dating him. My son was so cute in the way that he presented himself as a sort of man of the family - trying to be mature, but also acting like a typical goofy 12 year old. My daughter also did very well. She was a little more quiet, but she smiled and giggled a lot, which is a real good sign for her. I am so proud of both of them!!

2. I went to the graduation party with C for his niece and that went very well. His mom actually came directly up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss hello. After that party we went to his son's baseball team party and I was introduced to all of the parents of the players. After both parties, C told me that his family loves me and that his friends had nothing but good things to say about me.

3. My birthday was in July and we went out to dinner with his brother and sister-in-law. He gave me a beautiful Tiffany necklace (the simple Picasso heart pendant, not the one that looks like a dog collar). It is beautiful and was TOTALLY unexpected. To all of you guys out there, if there is any question as to what to give a woman/girl (and you can afford it), every female loves the little blue box!! If you can't afford it, any tasteful jewelry is great too.

4. C invited me AND my kids to his daughter's birthday party in 2 weeks. I told my kids about it and they are soooo excited. My daughter had me take her to get a new outfit for the occasion. She is sooo like me (and only 8 years old).

5. Had a small run-in with C's ex-wife. I did not actually see her. She dropped their son off early (about 4 hours early) at C's house and she saw my car in front of the house. She called the house and I heard her screaming in the phone "Who in the hell is in the house with my children!!" She wanted to know my name, etc. and apparently grilled the kids. The kids told C that they told her what my name was and that was about it. She asked if I stayed the night, which I do not when the kids are home. It was a little uncomfortable and very embarrassing for C, but we made it through. After she left, I asked him if he wanted me to leave so that he could spend time with the kids and kind of talk things through with his kids, but he convinced me to stick around for a little bit and that everything was okay, that it was the ex who made the children uncomfortable.

If there is one piece of advice that I could give to anyone dating someone with children (either yours or the other person's children) - be understanding and patient. Know up front that plans can and will change and that there will be unexpected surprises. The key is to stay calm and to try to be as understanding as possible. I just wish that I fully understood that in the beginning instead of second guessing myself all of the time and wondering if he was blowing me off because he was not interested. Now I know that is as far from the truth as possible. Even though we may not SEE a lot of each other, the times that we do see each other are so nice and special. I truly believe that I am falling in love (if I have not done so already! ).

Mom of 2, I have wondered how things have been going for you. I was delighted to see your post. Everything just sounds so great. Even the way he and you handled the ex situation on the phone call, which has to be difficult all the way around, seemed to just be wonderful.

You also gave some good advice learned from your experience! That is priceless!

Best to you and your family and your future!

Its so great to hear some good news, and you really deserve to be happy, so can I stop biting my nails now.

Just take your time, and go slow, and ENJOY each other.

Yes, talaniman, you can stop biting your nails. I am so happy with everything; my kids, my life, my man.

The day after I posted my last post, I slipped on some ice at work (I work in a restaurant - so don't think too hard about where I found ice to slip on in the middle of summer! ), fell and broke my knee cap. I have to have surgery in a couple of days. Therefore, C took care of me the entire weekend, which was really nice. He was so attentive, gentle and nice. Because of my incident, my ex has to take care of the kids for another week, which is also going to kill me but it is a necessary thing. My kids are upset about not being able to go to the party next weekend at C's house, but I explained to them that there will be more opportunities to do that in the future.

Overall, and under the circumstances, things are going well. I need to continue to go with the flow because just when you think you have everything figured out, life has a way of throwing a curve ball at you. It is our job to catch it and throw it back.

Here is another update. The surgery on my knee went well. I am now in physical therapy and it is progressing nicely.

My girlfriend (the one who is dating my boyfriend's brother) insisted that I stay at her house for the week after surgery. We ended up going to the party at C's house that Saturday. Since it was a birthday party for his daughter, I got her a card and a BP gift card, since she just got her license. I think it totally shocked her. C whispered to me that I did not have to do that, but I just looked at him and said, "I know I didn't have to, I wanted to." I mean, it is kind of crass being invited to a birthday party and not bringing at least a little something. His daughter got up and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. THAT totally shocked me, but it made me so happy. C told me the other day that his ex did not even give their daughter a birthday card, and she saw her on her birthday!

Things are going well, but I just wish that I could see him more often. We talk every night, which does make it more tolerable. We have plans to see each other on Saturday. I hope that with the fact that the school year is back in swing that the ex will start taking the kids on her designated weekends. Again, this is something that neither of us has control over and we will just have to deal with it. It would just be so nice not to have to worry about plans being changed/cancelled.

Hi Mom or 2, I am so sorry to hear about your accident! Good things come from bad and you did get a chance to see how this guy would be in a situation that required more of him and he came through with flying colors from the sounds of it.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

This is such a great love story. It continues on and I continue to wish you the best. The kids seem to really be adjusting. Just such a sweet story. Thanks for sharing.

Yes, I totally agree with you Jrebel7. You really have to try to see the good in any bad situation. Not that I was exactly testing him, but he did pass a very difficult test. Prior to the accident, we had made plans for us to get together that Saturday night. When the accident happened, I called him with the idea that we would have to cancel our plans. Instead he rose to the occasion by telling me that he was going to pick me up on that Friday night (the next day) and that I was going to stay with him until Sunday night so he could take care of me. So, I actually was able to be with him more than if I did not break my knee. Maybe I should break the other knee after this one heals... NOT!!

Thanks again for everyone's kind thoughts and words regarding my accident as well as my relationship story. I'm glad that I can share a positive story. There is a lot of negativity in the world. Hopefully people will realize that there really can be a rainbow at the end of a storm and that with faith we all can be happy again. I will continue to post updates, both good and bad.

My family has been bugging me to introduce C to them. I've also been dying to introduce him to them as well, but it has just been so hard, as my apartment is so small that it would be cramped for everyone. However, my brother and sister-in-law just bought a new place in the city and they want us all to come out this Saturday. I'll let you know how everything goes. I'm excited and not too worried about it.

Anybody else notice how Mom's post are getting shorter and shorter?? Like she is to busy for us anymore??

Much Luck though!

Anybody else notice how Mom's post are getting shorter and shorter??? Like she is to busy for us anymore??? LOL Kind of like my 21-year-old son.

Hey!! No fair!! I kind of see your point though. I have not been logging on as much lately, but it is not because I have been too busy. Yes, I am busy, but I felt like some of you would get bored with the mundane, especially since I have overcome so many hurdles (mostly self inflicted). By the way, I would not have overcome some of those hurdles if it was not for all of the support and advice that I have I received from all of you on this site.

Things have been going so smoothly between C and me, and my anxiety has lessened so much, that even the things that may have bothered me before or that I would have questioned before have decreased immensely. Again, thanks to all of you in providing me with different perspectives in order to relax and live life.

C came over last night and we went out to dinner. My knee still hurts from time to time, especially when I have walked on it a lot. I just get so bored with being cooped up in my place that when he asked if I wanted to go somewhere and get something to eat, I almost leaped in the air for joy. The knee got stiff in the restaurant because we were sitting there for awhile and I had to actually warm it up before leaving the table. He was so gentle and kind about it and even offered to carry me out of the restaurant if I wanted him to. That is the difference between him and my ex. I am sure that my ex would have mentioned something to the effect of being a drama queen about it and to just walk through the pain.

While driving back to my place, he mentioned to me that his ex called him about an another issue, but then the subject turned to me. I guess she has been questioning their kids about me and she admitted that she went online to try and find any info on me. Of course there was nothing on me. However, she did claim that there were some things about my ex that she felt he should know about. I won't go into specifics of what those things are because it would be too long, but some of the things were true, while others were not. However, C told his ex that he could care less about any of the info that she told him and that she needed to get over him and to stop researching me and to leave me alone. He is a little scared that she will try (and be successful) in finding out where I live, etc. Part of me would love for her to do this so that if she comes up to my property, I can really give her a piece of my mind and to show her that she does not scare me, while another part of me just wants to be left alone.

We have finally set a date for my brother and sister to meet my boyfriend. September 27th. It has been so hard to get a date that works with everyone, as all of our schedules could not match up throughout the summer. I think he is a little nervous about it, because he asked me last night who all was going to be there. I just told him that the only people that are not going to be there would be my older brother (and his family), who lives in Atlanta, and my mom, who lives in Florida. But I told him that my brother would be coming in for Christmas and that he wanted to meet him then. I will be sure to let all of you know how everything goes on that day.

That is about it. Again, I just thought that the kind of mundane would be boring for all of you. But then again, the mundane is life. No one can possibly have excitement all of the time. Also, isn't it a good thing that my posts are not so long or anxiety ridden? That's improvement, right?

Long as we know things are well, we are happy. You do sound so like your enjoying yourself. Hope it gets even better. Take care of the knee.

I just wanted to also let you know that there are still times when I feel that I am overanalyzing and falling into my old thinking. However, because of the advice that I have received from this site - and the fact that I am really getting to know C - I know that a lot of the thoughts that may come to my mind are only that: THOUGHTS ARE NOT REALITY. And when I say thoughts, it is "What is he thinking?", "Does he think I'm wierd because I said that?", - Most of it are things that I won't know the answer to unless I ask him what he is thinking, etc. Also, if he were getting tired of me/thinking that I am weird, etc. then he wouldn't be calling me every night, being with me every weekend or making plans to do things farther into the future. He mentioned wanting to take a cruise next year with his brother and his brother's fiancé. I hope that this actually occurs, as the past two trips that he said that we would go on never came to be because of things that came up. I can't help but kind of lose faith on whether we are going to be going or not or if they are just words to see what I would say. I intend on bringing up the subject again, as that is the only way to know for sure what is going on in his mind.

Although I have overcome a lot of hurdles, i.e. meeting eachother's kids, family, etc. there is still one more that I have to overcome. C and I have been together for 9 months now. I know that the both of us have very strong feelings for each other. I know that this is a serious relationship, otherwise we would not be introducing each other to our kids and family members. However, we have not said those three words to each other. I have come close to saying it to him, but find myself hesitating and putting it off. I think he may be feeling the same way. I wanted to say it to him last night when he was over, but got scared. I know that he is going to be calling me tonight and I feel such an urge to say something to him over the phone, but then again I don't want to say it over the phone. Maybe it is me trying to make the moment perfect and I have to stop doing that. Maybe it is because I told my ex that I loved him, but it didn't work out. Maybe C is scared as well. I have noticed that C has been doing a lot of what I call copy cat behavior, i.e. ordering the same thing I do, picking up and using phrases that I use all of the time, etc. Maybe he is waiting for me to say it. I don't know!! Any thoughts? Any advice? I strongly believe that I am in love with him.

It will flow naturally, and you'll be sure you mean it. Don't let that stop the fun though. Copy catting each other is cute, and you know your meant for each other when you start looking alike as well as acting alike. That should be fun too!

C went on a fishing trip with his brother this weekend and I miss him sooo much. He called me twice yesterday and told me right away that he missed me, and of course I told him that I missed him too. I'm excited for next weekend when he will finally meet my brother, sister and their spouses.

This weekend, since I have been by myself a lot, I have really been thinking about things. Probably over thinking. As you all know, I have been contemplating for quite a while on whether to tell him that I love him. I know in the beginning these feelings were lust and the fact that I had not been with someone since I was divorced and it was just so nice to be with someone. However, we have really gotten to know each other, have gotten really close, have been talking about making plans in the future (vacations, dreams, wants, desires) and we confide in each other about everything, ask each other for advice, etc. I now know that I do love him and I think that he is either starting to feel that same way or he already does. He gave me a card that said that I make him very happy and that he is so glad that we met. I have given him cards that have expressed that he has become such an important part of my life and that I have strong feelings for him. Yes, I have talked to him about these feelings that are expressed in those cards, but he is not a real big "feelings" talking person - he is a guy after all and women usually have the monopoly on the "feelings" talks. We will be together for 10 months next week so I am pretty confident that what I am thinking and feeling is definitely love. My hangup is that I am afraid that if I tell him that I love him that it will scare him in some way. Because of my knee, we have not been intimate for quite a while, but even so, his calls have increased, he makes plans to see me, etc. He has been so caring and we have so much fun together. Because of all of this, I know that I am not just caught up in the "moment" and since my accident, my feelings have actually increased. The last time that we were together, I had such a strong feeling to say it when he walked into my door and throughout the rest of the evening. I just froze because I was afraid that it would scare him.

I am also scared because it has been so long since I gave my heart to someone else (other than my kids). I know because I was rejected in my marriage (I was cheated on) and I just don't want to be rejected again. I have "practiced" what I want to say to C and it flows so easily when I do this. Why then am I so scared? My girlfriend (the one who is dating his brother) confirms with me all the time that I should say it because she strongly believes that he loves me but that he is chicken to say it first. Any advice? I know, I have gotten advice that it will happen freely and automatically if it is true love. How can I get totally over my fear of rejection so that I can say what I truly feel?

And why is it that I can give good advice to other people (I have been told that I do) but I have such difficulty sometimes trying to figure it out for myself?

Hi Mom, you already know how I feel, and that people owe it to themselves to be patient, and realistic, when dealing with intense feelings. For one thing after ONLY 10 months, I just think its far to early for those long terms thinking.

Just me, but I'm sure you have read where people may feel strongly about their partners, and assume the partners do to. Words don't hardly take the place of actions, and it would be quite telling if we could read the minds of our partners to know how they feel.

Your wise to go slow, and be cautious, in my view, as those strong feelings often make us push, and want things now, instead of letting things develop at their own pace. Take a breath, relax, as there is no hurry, and stay in control of yourself.

Don't worry about the future so much, as having fun getting to know each other, even better and bonding, and establishing those oh so important communications.

Thats what I would be doing while he relaxes himself, and opens up, so you'll know what he wants.

There is absolutely NO hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is there???

Talaniman - yes, I already know how you feel on this subject. Why is it that I just have an overpowering feeling of wanting to say it? I am willing to take it slow because I know that this relationship is worth it. Why am I so hung up on those words? Either way, I will still feel the same way that I do about him, whether I utter those words. I will take your advice and remain patient. If I feel that I love him now, then I will still love him in another few months, and another few months after that, and so on and so on. Thanks again for the advice. As always, it is always good. It's great to get a man's perspective on it, as us women have a tendency to feel and think too much!!

I will remain patient while we continue to get to know each other even better. Like I said, I will be introducing him to my brother and sister and their significant others this Saturday. C was asking me questions about what he should wear, etc. and what they are like. So... I know that he is nervous. I just told him that my family is so laid back that they just want other people to feel comfortable, so whatever is fine. I think he is more nervous about the fact that he will be driving me and my kids there. He asked me about whether I thought my ex would make a big deal that he would be driving while my kids were in the car. I never thought that would matter, but then again, my ex is a control freak (hence one of the reasons that I am anxious about a lot of things and want everything planned out, that was how my life had to be for so long.) I told him that he was a wonderful driver and that I felt totally safe with him and that my children would be safe as well. I further told him that just like I don't have any control over what my ex plans with the kids when they are with him, he does not have control over what I have planned with them when they are with me. I told the kids that C would be picking us up on Saturday and that he would be going with us to their aunt and uncle's. They are so excited about it and think that it is "cool" that he will be with us. They have been asking me every single weekend since they met him when they would be able to see him again.

All in all, things continue to go well. I think that I need to calm down just a bit and start to live in the moment more. Yes, I am afraid that this good thing will end and that is why I want (sometimes really need) to know exactly how he is feeling and where exactly we are heading. I have to stop listening to what other people (my friends - not necessarily on this site) are telling me, i.e. "If I were you, I would just tell him that you love him," "Being apart from my bf like you have to do would drive me crazy". I have to live with the fact that I know that we care about each other and we have to do what we have to do for our situation ESPECIALLY when kids are involved. Would I put up with this if there were no kids - probably not. That is what makes dating a man who has kids, as well as the fact that I have kids myself, so difficult. That is why I posted this thread to begin with. It is my hope that as I gain advice and perspective from other people that this will also help someone else who is in a similar situation.

Relax and have fun. When it stops being fun, its time to go.

When it stops being fun, its time to go.

You really think so? Is that all there is to love?

Till the long term commitment, YES!

An update... I introduced C to my brother and his wife and my sister and her husband this past Saturday. It went REALLY well. My family loved him!! But then again, I really did not have any doubt about that.

The next morning, C called me to see if any of my family had called me yet. When I asked why, he said that he was just interested to see if they said anything to me about him. I told him that at that time no one called me, but that I KNEW that they all liked him and not to worry about it. I got a call from my sister today and was not surprised to hear that they were very impressed with him and that they were happy that he was in my life.

C was also great with my kids. They really like him and seemed to really warm up to him. Usually, my daughter is not talkative around people she does not feel comfortable around, but she was a regular chatter box that day. When C dropped us off at my place, my son asked where C was going. When I told him that he had to go home, my son had a concerned and almost sad look on his face and just said, "Oh. Okay." My kids then went upstairs and C and I went outside to say our goodbyes. When I said good night to my kids after C left, my son asked why C was not spending the night. This totally shocked me, as it is WAY too soon for us to be doing that. I just told him that we were not comfortable with that yet. He asked me when it would happen and I just told him that I needed to make sure that C would be in our life for a looooong time before I would even consider that. I asked him why he wanted him to spend the night and he told me that he thought it would be cool to have him around more. The next morning at breakfast, he brought up the subject again and I told him that this was an adult subject and not something that a child should even think about. My daughter asked me if C was going to spend the night and kind of had a worried look on her face, which did not surprise me at all. In fact that was what I had expected from my son the night before. I just told her that I was not planning on that happening any time soon and that I wanted to make sure that C was going to be a long term thing in our lives before that would happen. She relaxed a bit. Don't get me wrong, I would love to fast forward things sometimes, but not at the expense of my kids. I still have a problem with the thought of holding hands with C around my kids much less anything else. I am just so happy that C has the same viewpoint on this that I do.

Waiting, and fighting the urge to move ahead to fast, is a good sign. I'm glad your letting it flow, and not trying to push to fast, by impulsive actions.

But I'm not surprised, as you have proven to be thoughtful, and patient, considering the feelings you have. You done good for yourself... and your kids.

Just enjoy this time, when things are going well.

Sometimes the urge to move faster feels almost unbearable. However, I always force myself to think of the kids first and foremost. The tricky part now is that my kids are asking to see more of C and they definitely want to meet his kids. My kids are growing more and more comfortable with him and they are asking to see more and more of him. Again, I see the importance of going slow, not force the issue and let the situation present itself as C feels more comfortable about doing this. Part of me wants to broach the subject of "What are your thoughts of our kids meeting", but part of me does not want to rush it either and disrupt what we have so far.

Sometimes I feel that we are getting stagnant because we seem to do the same things over and over when we are together (i.e. rent movies and stay at home, maybe go to a movie at a theater, order pizza in) and we have to sometimes wait so long to see each other. Yes, we do talk every day, but I would love to be able to see him more. Lately, because we have been doing a lot of introducing our friends and family to each other, we really have not been able to spend a lot of alone time together. Also, because of my knee, he feels a little scared about hurting me in anyway. (By the way, my knee has been improving by leaps and bounds. Hopefully, I will be able to get back to work in a couple of weeks.) Don't get me wrong, I am having A LOT of fun with him when we are with family and friends, but sometimes when he and I look at each other from across the room or give sideways glances when we are sitting next to each other, I feel so like I want to grab his hand and hideaway with him alone in the corner. Every time I look at him, I just smile and feel warm all over.

Am I normal in feeling this way? Am I being selfish in wanting to see more of him?

Everytime I look at him, I just smile and feel warm all over.

Am I normal in feeling this way? Am I being selfish in wanting to see more of him?
Anticipation is half the fun. Enjoy!

Absolutely!! Because we have so many things in common and can so easily talk to one another about anything, it feels like we have been together for a LOT longer than just 10 months. I have to constantly remind myself that it has only been that long. Every single time I turn around, I find out something else that we have in common and that we think about things in the same way. I sometimes feel like we are becoming one another. There was even a point on Saturday where we completed each other's sentences a couple of times. My brother was actually the one who caught that and said, "Do you always do that?" I don't even think that we were aware that we did that because I had to ask him what he meant, and that is when he said that we both completed each other's sentences at least twice and we both laughed about it.

Anyway, I am having a lot of fun, but I miss him terribly when we are not together. Don't worry, I can still function without him, but I can't wait for his phone call at night. Hearing his voice is the next best thing to being with him. If he forgets to call, which is not very often, I don't feel worried like I used to (remember Talaniman?), but I just miss him. Again, I just wish that I could see more of him.

I was able to spend some time with C on Saturday. He invited me to his house for the afternoon/evening. He cooked out on the grill and we had dinner together with his son. His daughter was getting ready for her Homecoming dance and he was able to take pictures of her before she left. I made sure that I was no where around for these pictures, as this was something that he and his daughter should have on their own without me hanging around. Sure, if we were together for several years, I would think differently about it. I just don't want his daughter to resent me in any way or think that I am trying to replace her mom, who happened to be out of town and could not be there for this special event.

I was also able to be with him on Sunday for his son's birthday party. Although we kissed hello and goodbye in front of his kids and he and I did not seem to feel nervous about that, it was not like we could really spend a lot of time together. No, I did not expect that we would be able to spend alone time together, as that was not the purpose of the get together. I am just very happy that he wanted me to be a part of it and that I was able to be there. His son was surprised to see that I had brought something for him and actually brought the card over to his dad to show him, "Dad, look what K**** got me".

For those of you who do not know, my boyfriend has custody of his kids and has them almost everyday. This has been frustrating in the past because if his ex did not follow through with her designated weekends, our plans would often have to change, which would mean that we were not able to see each other. However, it seems like things are starting to change and he is having me come around more when his kids are there. I still need to remind myself that I have to remain patient and that he is doing his best to see me as often as he can. The next step is to have my kids meet his kids. I'm nervous about that because I don't want to force any of them on each other just because their parents are dating each other. What happens if the kids don't like each other? Will this spell an end to our relationship? I know, no one has an answer to that question. This is just a thought that keeps entering in my mind.

Yeah, I know, I am worrying about the things that I don't have control over at this time. I just wish that I could see him more. I miss him so much sometimes. I am so jealous of my friends who are able to see their boyfriends more than I can see mine. Then again, I feel proud of myself that I am able to function by myself without him being there. My friends often ask me how I can stand not being able to be with him and I just tell them that at least for now, because of the extenuating circumstances, this is how it has to be until our relationship is more defined, especially as it relates to the kids.

Sometimes I feel frustrated about staying patient. I don't think that I am needy, but sometimes I think that I am because I want to see him more. Then again, I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me wanting to see him more because we really have not been able to see each other and be totally alone together since August. The last time that we were totally alone was at the end of August. We have seen each other since then, but it is usually with his family or his children and we have not been by ourselves. Hey, I will take that because I like his family, but I just want to be able to snuggle up to him, and I can't do that with his family/kids around.

JUST AN UPDATE. It has been a while since I posted on this. Things continue to go well between C and me. Because of my knee injury and the fact that I was not able to return to my restaurant job until I got a work release, we were starting to be able to see each other at least once a week (remember, between our schedules, the distance that we live from each other, etc. makes it difficult). But, an effort is definitely being made, which is priceless. I can't believe that in just 3 weeks it will be a year that we have been together. Sometimes it feels like time is going so slowly, while at other times, I can't get past how fast it goes.

C had to go to Mexico for his job at the last minute on Tuesday night. He called me while he was enroute to the company jet at the municipal airport near where I live. I made a sarcastic comment of, "Well, you could have stopped by to say hi/bye to me!!" He kind of laughed and said that he should have thought of that. I just mentioned that if the situation presents itself again, that it would be great if he could. Well, he was supposed to be there until Thursday night, but for some reason, he came back last night. He called me as soon as he landed to ask me what I was up to. When I told him that I was finishing up on homework with my kids and then getting them to bed, he said, "Oh, I was thinking about coming by, but sounds like it would not be good for you, we'll just have to wait for the weekend." I was a little sad, but at least he was thinking about it. See, I have a real goofy visitation schedule with the ex, so it is hard for other people to remember when I have my kids and when I don't. It involves a lot of flip flopping of days (every other Tuesday, every other Thursday, etc). Anyway, it still would have been nice for him to be able to stop by. Maybe I should have said for him to come over anyway, just to see each other for a few minutes. Oh, those darn should have, could have, wouldas!! Next time (if the situation should present itself again) I will do just that. I mean, the municipal airport is only 5 minutes from my place.

Oh well. We have tentative plans for him to come over on Saturday. With me FINALLY being able to go back to work tomorrow, (YEAH, I got my work release from the doctor last week) it will be going back to possibly every other weekend of being able to see each other. Part of me is fine with that, while part of me finds it so hard. It's not that I NEED to see him, but I just love being with him. Thank goodness that we talk every day, otherwise, I would just be going batty. Part of the reason for this is that we have yet to have our kids meet each other. I continue to be very hesitant on this because of the what ifs that are going through my mind. "What if his son doesn't like my son" etc. etc. The personalities of our kids are so diverse, that this is a possibility. I am resigned to just let it happen when it is going to happen. One of the good things is that my kids are TOTALLY open and really want to meet his kids, but I don't want to force the issue. Like I said, it will happen when it will happen.

Again, I am trying to stay patient. I know that we care for each other VERY much. I remind myself daily that I have to live in the moment. I am very pleased that there are no trust/jealousy issues in this relationship. If there were, then most likely this relationship would have ended a long time ago.

So for the moment, I am still taking one day at a time. "sigh" I just wish that I could see him more often. I just love it when he looks me in my eyes and does not say a word, and just shows me his wonderful smile. No, we have not said those three little words yet. Yes, I am okay with it - at least for the moment. I know how I feel. If those feelings are for real, then I will still most likely feel them in one month, two months, three months, etc. I am coming to terms with the fact that it is not important whether those words are spoken, but it is the actions of the people in the relationship that defines the relationship. It is always scary to utter those words for the first time, as you never know how the other person will respond. Maybe that is what is going on. He has a tendency to copy cat my actions, so maybe he is hoping that I will say it first. Who knows. The only way to really know is to take the risk, but then again, I am in no real rush. At least for the female perspective, it is always really nice to hear those words, though. What about it guys? What are your thoughts about saying those three little words? Are they necessary? Are they too scary? Could you live without them? When a girl/woman says them to you, how do you react? What does it signify to you?

Okay, I'm getting frustrated again. Things are really going well, but it is soooo hard to get him to talk about feelings. Why is that? My brother told me that guys don't want to put in writing how they feel because it is "proof" that they don't want to leave behind. What is THAT all about? If you have a feeling, why shouldn't you express it? Is that the difference between men and women? I really don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I have to acknowledge the thoughts that are in my head and find out why I am having those feelings. What are the underlying reasons, are they justified, etc. I know that he cares about me and he wants to be with me, but seem to express it in words more than he does. Deep down inside I think that he is scared to put into words what he is feeling, but it would be nice to hear them more. He does a lot of things for me at my place without my having to ask him. He states that he does this because he feels that it is his job to do these things and that I shouldn't have to worry about it, etc.

Why am I having these feelings again? I thought that I was over this. He sent me an email this morning, asking how my new job was going, how I was doing in general. We sent each other a couple of messages updating each other and then my final email, I stated that I missed him, even though we saw each other on Saturday. He never responded to that one. Did I scare him? Am I being too clingy?

By the way, he asked me if I had any plans for Thanksgiving and I told him that my kids would be with their dad on Thanksgiving and that I was not getting together with my family until the weekend. He then invited me to his mother's house for Thanksgiving. I think that says something, but why can't he tell me how he feels?

Mom of 2, not all men are able to express what is in their hearts with words. My husband is one of them. He tells me he loves me and misses me if we are apart but if we have had an issue, he can't find the words to express his feelings so he "does things around the house" that he wouldn't ordinarily do. Once I begin the conversation to work things out, he opens a bit more but still has difficulty verbalizing what is in his heart. I realize we are talking about a new relationship as opposed to one of many years but it has always been the same. Some men can give flowery speeches of love and devotion. Sometimes, those words seem to come too easily to them. I would rather have someone who struggles to share what they feel than one who can just take off running with words. It makes me feel they have said it all before to many others. If he has not seemed to lose interest in your time together, which it sounds as if he has not since he wants to spend Thanksgiving with you, I would not be too concerned. As far as the e-mail, maybe he has been away from his computer or got called away to do something and will get with you later. As long as you have been dating, it might be nearing a time in the near future, that you just have a visit, not confrontational but just ask him what his feelings are and if he is comfortable with how things are going. I don't think by this time, you scared him by saying you miss him. He may not be ready for things to change in his life, as far as putting the words out there. If you can be patient, do so. If it bothers you too much, then I see nothing wrong with having a small visit about feelings. A person has a right to know where they stand with the other.

Thanks jrebel. As always, your advice helped me. I have to remember that things come up at work that he does not have control over. That's one of the bad things about email because you don't know what is happening behind the scenes and sometimes people read more into it than is warranted. I will remain patient because he is more of an action man than a word man. My ex was definitely a word man, and like you said, probably said a lot of the things too easily because he said them a lot at first, especially if he wanted something, but then waned at the end. Yeah, it frustrates me that I'm not hearing the words from my new guy that I would like to hear, but at least I know that when I do (I know that there will be a when because he has told me in the past that I make him happy and that he is happy that we met, etc.), it will REALLY mean something. I have to remind myself that he is not my ex (THANK GOD) and that he is his own person and I have to stay content that there is nothing wrong in the relationship, other than my wanting to see him more.

As always, I will keep you posted about what is happening. I would like to have that talk with him eventually, but I don't want him to think that I am pressuring him to say certain things just because I am able to express them. I was trying to lead by example, but I guess I will have to stay with patience.

I have to say I like this thread, mostly cause it's like your own personal diary of your dating relationship and the ups and downs that come with it. Sounds like on a whole the relationship is going very well, but I must admit after almost a year and still not being able to have both sides together must be frustrating on both sides and it sounds like your children welcome the idea. I think parents think of these situations a bit different, but I think children are more resilient than we adults give them credit for. I would bet that you would find it a relief and it may take away some of these insecurities if you were completely sharing your life with him.

Justwantfair - You hit the nail on the head. If I was more involved in his life, then a lot of what I am feeling would not be there. However, I am scared about my kids meeting his kids because no one wants their child to be rejected by anyone. Then if his son does not like my son (or vice versa), thinks he is weird, etc. I would imagine that would have some effect on the relationship.

At any rate, I don't want to force the issue about his kids and my kids meeting each other. My boyfriend is really great with my kids and my kids love him. I know in time it will happen, but it will take time. If we are meant to be with each other, then there should not be time constraints. I never imagined that I would be able to fall in love again. I always thought that I would be considered damaged goods of sorts and that no one would accept the entire package. Now I know that is soooo untrue.

So, I will just continue to take one day at a time and whatever happens happens. I just consider myself lucky that I really have a great guy and that I know that there are more good things to come. I will continue to post any and all updates. Thanks for the compliment on the thread.

I got a real chuckle out of that last update Mom, as that's the eternal question isn't it? "Why can't he talk about his feelings?". His actions speak clearly, but I think you would feel better hearing the words, but I caution you, to balance your expectations, with his actions, and relax and don't trip. LOL!

Sometimes us guys (and females to be sure) communicate through non-verbal means. You ladies just have to pay attention to us closer.

I've always told my wife, I take out the garbage because of love, not necessity. So should she take it out for the same reason? Naw, she just says its full, and stinks, ( wheres the romance in that?) just to show you how you females are so missing it.

Well I think that you are on a great path. It is so hard to put your life back together after a divorce and when you realize that you are walking away with two humans that are completely dependent on you and what you do from that point forward is extremely difficult. It is wonderful that your relationship is progressing so wonderfully I imagine that when you both stand united and introduce the whole family to each other you will be surprised how your children will react united watching you and your boyfriend united on everyone getting comfortable together. Good luck, I look forward to coming by for updates.

Thanks for all of your latest posts. I WAS getting frustrated about the fact that my boyfriend has an inability to express his feelings in the way that I express my feelings.

This brings me to a different, but somewhat similar issue. Is it wrong to tell him that I like certain things, such as cards or flowers? Or should I not worry about those kinds of things? I don't want to ruin our relationship or create stress in it just because I would like these things from time to time. I send him cards all of the time because I want to. I would think that he would want to do this because he knows that I like these sorts of things (kind of like leading through example). How do I express this to him without insulting him in any way? I have to laugh because one day we were picking out a card for his niece's birthday and he just went to one card, picked it up and then said "This looks good" and he started to walk away. I told him, "But you didn't even read it." He was more concerned about the price of it than he was about what it said inside. I had to laugh, but at the same time, it made me think, "He doesn't like this sort of thing". BUT I thought that it is a good thing to do things that the other person likes from time to time that may not be what you want to do. For instance, I don't say a word when he wants to go to the Bass Pro Shops. Would I go there alone in my spare time? No, but I know that he loves going there and I want to go with him because of his enjoyment. When we were there one time, I asked him a question about something because I REALLY wanted to know the difference between one item and another, and I think that he was pleasantly surprised and very happily showed me things. Another time I told him that I like it when he calls me everyday so that I can hear his voice before I go to bed. After I said that, he has been calling me at almost the same time (to the minute) every night.

Should I say something to him or just leave it be?

As you can see hints do wonders... LOL, but if your man doesn't express emotions well, he probably misses the benefit of doing the little things that make their partner feel so special. Hints can help if you don't want to be direct, but even if you are direct about in an honest way - I am sure he would be receptive because he is probably very aware that he doesn't enjoy or do any of those little things. Something that really helps is the five love languages book, it teaches that we all have a different language of expression, some touchy feely, some acts of service, some gifts of pleasure, some quality time. It is interesting, he may not understand your way but he is probably happy trying to make you happy, just show him the way.

Thanks. I think that I am going to start buying myself flowers because I like them. It always brightens a place. If he picks up on it and starts getting me flowers, great. But in the meantime, I will still have my flowers and not have to wait for someone else to do it.

When it was my birthday, he told me that he had difficulty deciding what to get me because I did not give good clues. Maybe this was his way of telling me that I need to be more direct with him. By the way, he did a GREAT job in getting me something for my birthday, so maybe my clues are not THAT bad.

I'll try and be a little more direct with him because I don't think that he picks up on the subtle hints. I always know what he wants because he tells me how he went someplace and was looking at something, etc. I guess I have to do that very same thing.

It's a man thing, I think I am direct, and he thinks I am talking in circles... LOL

There you ladies go, trying to train us!!

Where would you be without us... lost I tell you, absolutely lost... LOL. :)

Wandering aimlessly would make you happy? Well, I guess in some ways it would because you wouldn't have to think about anything.

All kidding aside, I think my relationship is going rather well. It is only my insecurities that sometimes get in the way. I'm sure that he has his own insecurities as well. I just don't know about them. Because why? HE WON'T TELL ME. Then again, I don't tell him mine, so I guess it is all fair.

He called me this afternoon, which he normally never does. He said that he just wanted to hear my voice while he was driving to a convention in the city. He then called me tonight to ask how my day went. So, I know that he cares and thinks about me often. So, I'm going to TRY and stop worrying about the little things. And, Talaniman, I will stop trying to train him!!

Mom of 2, you are learning things that took me years to learn. You are ahead of the game by being patient. It sounds like he really does care and just has a difficult time expressing it in words.

Tal always has great advice. I think guys sometimes do think women are trying to train them. Probably they are not far off from their perspective, while we are just striving to get closer and feel more connected.

Life is just a real surprise, isn't it?? Sounds like you are enjoying one of the more pleasant surprises of life with this guy. I think you and I think somewhat alike so I understand your desire for him to put into words, his thoughts and feelings. I had to laugh about the cards from earlier. My husband use to do that. He is older now, has gone through some loss, and that has seemed to have made him a little more thougthtful of what a card is saying. Life just has a way of working out if we let it. I would have wanted to be more confrontational than you have been about so many issues and have read how things have worked out in this situation and that situation for you. I'm not a patient person but seems you have done so well in making good decisions. It is a beautiful story of a journey, not yet knowing the ending but looking forward to seeing how the journey progresses.

Wandering aimlessly would make you happy? Well, I guess in some ways it would because you wouldn't have to think about anything.

All kidding aside, I think my relationship is going rather well. It is only my insecurities that sometimes get in the way. I'm sure that he has his own insecurities as well. I just don't know about them. Because why? HE WON'T TELL ME. Then again, I don't tell him mine, so I guess it is all fair.

He called me this afternoon, which he normally never does. He said that he just wanted to hear my voice while he was driving to a convention in the city. He then called me tonight to ask how my day went. So, I know that he cares and thinks about me often. So, I'm going to TRY and stop worrying about the little things. And, Talaniman, I will stop trying to train him!!!

Hi dear. It sounds as if you are doing just fine except for the direct communication stage. We cannot read minds but we can listen and read body-language. You made him happy about asking about Bass products because he thought you probably would not be interested. We women notice these little things faster because we purposely look for them. Men need a more direct approach as long as it is not in a complaining form.

As for training, NOPE, it's called evolving, and done only on a voluntary basis when a man feels like he will make you happier this way. It will happen on it's own, or it won't - depending on the relationship. So, please don't be insecure about it. I think the insecurity stems from your past relationship and you are just scared you might make mistakes... but they are there to be made and learn from - together. That's how we (and men) show how much we really care, so please don't worry.

I usually don't recommend books, but ''Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus'' is a very interesting book for both sexes. It helps 'translate' and explain the differences we have and how to understand. It is one book that I have enjoyed reading these last few weeks... and at my age, I cannot read much, so it is interesting enough and enlightening reading to keep me interested enough to turn the next page. It's never too late, and we are never too old to learn a bit more.

As for the children.. just like with pets, leave them to themselves, let them check each other out without showing your fears and they will get to know each other without violence. Most kids today know and understand what it's like to have 'patchwork' families and can cope better than the adults. You have to try and trust them in their observations - and they probably know how their parents feel - especially when they are happier than before. They observe a lot more than what we give them credit for - and we usually cannot hide much from them anyway. I'm pretty sure that all will work out well.

I certainly wish you all the best dear, and do keep us updated.

C.U. on the forum.

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I was just thinking about something as I was reading the last few posts. I have been to about 5 family functions/times at his house when his kids were present. They seem to be somewhat receptive in that they are never rude to me, always say hi and have talked to me - at least completing a full sentence. His kids may not be throwing their arms around me, but then again I don't expect them to, at least not at this point. They are still going through a lot because their mom only agrees to have them over to her place when it is convenient for her. For instance, she states that she does not celebrate Thanksgiving anymore because she does not like that the early settlers "killed the Indians and took their land". There may be SOME truth to that, but that is not the true embodiment of the holiday and why we celebrate it today. It is to be THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE!! And if you can't at least be thankful for your children and the little things in life, than life must s*ck for you. At any rate, she does not want to spend that holiday with her children and she says that she has to work on Christmas (his daughter told him last night that her mom is actually going out of town for Christmas - so there is yet another lie). My boyfriend wanted to have their kids spend at least one holiday with her because it is the right thing to do, but she just does not see it that way. She has been missing soooo much in regard to special events with them, but that is her loss. I just don't want them to think that "I am here to save the day!!" like Mighty Mouse, however part of me just wants to give them a great big hug and tell them that I really do care about them because I see that they are hurting inside. In no way do I want to replace their mother. Not only because it is too early to think in those terms, but even if we were dating for a number of years and decided to spend the rest of our lives together, she is still their mother and she is the only mother that they will ever have. So in the meantime, I am willing and happy to kind of step to the side when it comes to his kids and not be an overwhelming presence to them.

My mother is an absentee mother and I was raised by my step-mom and dad. I must say that you can worry about them thinking you are a replacement, but they more likely will just respect you. No matter what wrong's your mother does, I can attest there isn't anyway to replace a mother. They will appreciate having a female in their life at some point in time. I think your day by day taking your time approach will help them.

Justy - Thanks for that post. I do worry that this absenteeism of their mother will have a detrimental effect on them and that they may grow to resent me in some way. I wish that there was something that I could do, but I guess the only thing that I can do is to just sit back and let them determine when or if that will happen. I just feel so sorry for them because my family is so close and if my mom was like that I would have been so hurt. Glad to hear that someone can still make it in life even with that situation. I'm sure I will be looking to you for advice as it relates to the kids because you were there once yourself - and almost in the same circumstances. Any other advice that you can give would ALWAYS be greatly appreciated. I just don't want to step on any toes, make anyone uncomfortable, etc.

Thanks again!

Mom you are an absolute sweetheart, kind , caring, and considerate to a fault.

You seem to think of every detail, and try to work it out for everyone but, what do you do for you. I am so curious (nosey?? ) how you spend your leisure time. When your not doing for everyone else.

Don't make me beg, cause I am good at it.

Okay, I'm supposed to be working right now (I work out of my home during the day as an account executive). To answer your question of what I do for me, I post here every once in a while. I cook (love to do that, when I have the time), talk on the phone, read, play with my cat. I do take time for myself - I do the girl thing of getting my hair done, nails done, and for a little while, I would get massages (I need one again soon, but kind of short on cash because of my knee injury). Then the other part of my socialization is when I work at the restaurant at night (Thank GOD I am back to that!! ) I love that job because I get to take care of people, socialize and I love it when I can make someone happy with a good meal and the service that I provide.

Did I answer your question?

I forgot to add that I also go out with my girlfriends for girls night out. I just started in a group of girls to have a monthly dinner party (travels from house to house - a different one every month). I hosted the last one and had a BLAST!!

I have a funny story to add. Up until last week, I have never cooked a meal for my boyfriend. Either we would be at his house, and I just feel so uncomfortable in someone else's kitchen, or we would get together after I got off work, which would be WELL past dinner time, or we would have plans to go out to eat. So, the subject never presented itself. I would tell him every once in a while that I would have to make him my chili because I get a lot of compliments on it, etc. When I was telling him that I was having a dinner party with my girlfriends and I was cooking rock cornish hens, he said, "I didn't know that you knew how to cook." That totally shocked me, but then again, how would he know for certain? I told him that yes I did know how to cook. He then stated that we have been together for a year and he has never "gotten a home cooked meal" from me. I told him that when he came over (it was last Saturday that he came over) that I would cook him something and that YES I did know how to cook.

However, because of that statement, it put the wheels in my head to rolling. I bought a pork roast, made a salad, rice pilaf, green beans and garlic bread. I also had the table nicely set with my china and crystal (I pulled out all of the stops). In addition to that, I also made macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. After he was at my place for about an hour, I said that dinner should be ready and I went into the kitchen. When I told him that everything was ready, he came to the table, where he found the hotdogs on a plate and the macaroni and cheese in a bowl. The look on his face was CLASSIC!! But, he proceeded to pull out his chair and started to sit down, reaching for the macaroni and cheese. I was all set to non chalantly sit down with him, act if nothing was out of the ordinary, ask him if he wanted ketchup or mustard to go with his hotdogs and start eating, but I could not stop laughing. I just said, it's a joke, don't eat that!! He then started laughing himself and said, "You're not going to throw out that mac and cheese are you?" When I pulled out the pork roast and started slicing it, the biggest look of relief appeared on his face. See, so even though I may appear to be all serious, I also have a wacky sense of humor.

Therefore, I guess the other thing that I do for myself is LAUGH!!

And, Talaniman, what do you do in YOUR leisure time?

He likes to beg... that ought to come in handy for something.

I forgot to add that I also go out with my girlfriends for girls night out. I just started in a group of girls to have a monthly dinner party (travels from house to house - a different one every month). I hosted the last one and had a BLAST!!!

I have a funny story to add. Up until last week, I have never cooked a meal for my boyfriend. Either we would be at his house, and I just feel so uncomfortable in someone else's kitchen, or we would get together after I got off of work, which would be WELL past dinner time, or we would have plans to go out to eat. So, the subject never presented itself. I would tell him every once in a while that I would have to make him my chili because I get a lot of compliments on it, etc. When I was telling him that I was having a dinner party with my girlfriends and I was cooking rock cornish hens, he said, "I didn't know that you knew how to cook." That totally shocked me, but then again, how would he know for certain? I told him that yes I did know how to cook. He then stated that we have been together for a year and he has never "gotten a home cooked meal" from me. I told him that when he came over (it was last Saturday that he came over) that I would cook him something and that YES I did know how to cook.

However, because of that statement, it put the wheels in my head to rolling. I bought a pork roast, made a salad, rice pilaf, green beans and garlic bread. I also had the table nicely set with my china and crystal (I pulled out all of the stops). In addition to that, I also made macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. After he was at my place for about an hour, I said that dinner should be ready and I went into the kitchen. When I told him that everything was ready, he came to the table, where he found the hotdogs on a plate and the macaroni and cheese in a bowl. The look on his face was CLASSIC!!! But, he proceeded to pull out his chair and started to sit down, reaching for the macaroni and cheese. I was all set to non chalantly sit down with him, act if nothing was out of the ordinary, ask him if he wanted ketchup or mustard to go with his hotdogs and start eating, but I could not stop laughing. I just said, it's a joke, don't eat that!!!! He then started laughing himself and said, "You're not going to throw out that mac and cheese are you?" When I pulled out the pork roast and started slicing it, the biggest look of relief appeared on his face. See, so even though I may appear to be all serious, I also have a wacky sense of humor.

Therefore, I guess the other thing that I do for myself is LAUGH!!!!

Hey Mom, this post was also more enlightening than even you may realize. You are very introspective about the relationship which is priceless and so valuable but this story shows how very much is still yet to be learned about each other. I mean, after all the dates, the fun, the kids, the family situations, thinking about the ex's, worrying about unspoken words, do you see how much is also getting passed by? He didn't even knew you could cook, after a year of time together!! What a fun discovery for him that you are a wonderful cook but also a great discovery to realize he is not seeing you in all your talents and abilities. The words will come.

He probably wanders around - what did he say the last time? AIMLESSLY!! JK!!

Thanks for all of your GREAT advice.

Jrebel - WOW!! I did not think about that. He just assumed that I did not know how to cook and I never offered to before this. Hey, I deserve to be wined and dined!! By the way, he has cooked for me a couple of times. I helped him a little with that, but I just let him take the lead. Maybe we both need to be more direct and more demonstrative in our ways. Otherwise, both of us will not realize all that the other person can do, etc.

P.S. I tried to give you a greenie, but I had to spread the rep.

And, Talaniman, what do you do in YOUR leisure time?
What leisure time? :eek:


He likes to beg... that ought to come in handy for something.
My wife never says No to me. But I do get some dirty looks, that's when I wonder around aimlessly.

I just wanted some insights into your personality, as I suspect you are very high energy most times, and a people person. Reading your post wore me out with all those activities, so I better rest for the grandkids. Whew!

You just don't know how I root for things to go well for you.

Hey, Talaniman, you have to have some kind of leisure time!! Take a look at my schedule and I have leisure time even with my busy schedule. What do you do for yourself? Interesting minds want to know!

I've learned a lot in the past day or so regarding things that I did not even think about. It all boils down to communication. Here I thought that I was communicating well, but it is apparent that I have not been as transparent as I thought I was. I will be making a point of making him more aware of who I am as a person in order to help him understand me and my needs better, and hopefully he will do the same.

When we talk every day, we talk about issues that have occurred that day, which does give each other, I think, a little glimpse of our thinking on daily things. I always wondered why he would ask me what my schedule looked like during the week when I was not with him. I just thought that he was making conversation and that he really did not want to know, so I would leave out all of the mundane nitty gritty things, things that I now understand would help him to understand a lot more of the type of person that I am. Maybe it is because I did not want to bother him with the boring stuff, but then again, the boring stuff is life and is what makes the individual who they are. So, here I am complaining how he doesn't tell me anything, but in retrospect, he has been asking me the same thing, but in a different way. I hope that makes sense!!

So from now on, when he asks me what my week looks like, it means that he wants to know about me as a person. When he tells me what he is doing this week, he is trying to tell me who he is as a person. He constantly tells me everything about what he did that day as well as what he is going to do for the remaining day and week. He doesn't just want to know about the exciting stuff, but all the little stuff too.

I fell into the same scenerio with the cooking thing with my boyfriend for the first couple years while we were dating and although it was exclusive, we were not living together, so it was like dating all of the time, we never got to sit down to a homemade dinner together although I did every night with the kids, he wasn't there when I cleaned house, he didn't know my normal bedtime and after work routines really until we were living together. This stuff will come in time and I could have gone another twenty years before having my cooking compared to his mother's... LOL. You have learned a lot about him and he has learned a lot about you but while you are keeping the children apart you are running two different lives, at least that is what I felt like. It is stressful to know you have had all of this time together and you know each other on one level and other levels of their personality you don't know anything about. Some men aren't open with verbal communication but I have noticed even if they aren't vocal they are taking notes mentally and they pay attention to all of those things that women vocalize, I can bet he is always thinking about your place in his future. You will get there, but don't drive yourself nuts overanalyzing things... I am definitely an overanalyzer and possible already a little nuts! :)

Looks like you females are starting to understand how we DO communicate. Hehehehehe! It took a while before I realized what my wife was saying, and it was then I started paying closer attention. Seems we humans need the time to understand how our partner coveys thoughts, ideas, and feelings, that's why us men act so dumb, as frustrating as that is, as we need more specific information, not just feelings. I know, females are the same. Mom, your right on course though, as after a year, your starting to see who he is, and I imagine he is also starting to get you. Sometimes over thinking things leads us the wrong way, so just me, I keep it simple. (the brain is slow sometimes, and WONDERS AIMLESSLY, THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME , huh)! Paying attention to your partner, doesn't mean hanging on to, or analyzing every word, but blending the words, with the actions, to get a clearer picture. (Do looks count? My wife has a few I read very well.)

As far as leisure, I got one word for you! Netflix. My wife and I still date, when the kids, and grandkids, or the dog, aren't around.


I am definitely an overanalyzer and possible already a little nuts! :)
I better check your profile, eh!

I better check your profile, eh!

Oh, my!

Honey, I absolutely loved the story of that special dinner! You are almost like my daughter and her hubby. They enjoy a good joke and compliment each other too.

Getting back to the kids and their mother... she's using them because she is not finished with her depression and anger over the split with her 'family' - no matter who was at fault. She just does not seem to be able to cope with seeing that he has moved on and lets the kid in her stomp feet to show her discontent.

So, she will probably continue to stop the 'family' gatherings on holidays and go sulk somewhere for a few years until she has achieved closure.

You are not taking her place, just as has been said, but you don't have to feel guilty for liking the kids and wanting them to enjoy the holidays either. So, do let them share these events with you and your children, and let your children know that without their support, his children would be without the joy of sharing these holidays - and they will probably be happy to help out. I think he will also appreciate this and won't have to worry and stress himself out thinking of what to do with them during these times.
Give it a try, it cannot hurt - at least not in my opinion..

Again, good luck dear. Your heart is big enough for them all, and I'm sure they'll will appreciate it. Your children already know what a super mom they have and will probably be proud to show you off to anyone you invite.

Talk to you later dear.

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Thanks, Chery. I think I will bring up the subject of "When do you think we should introduce our kids to each other". I'll put the ball in his court and let him think that it will be his decision instead of me adding pressure to it.

I know that I will not be replacing their mother and the only thing that I feel worried about in that area is the resentment that sometimes follows if the kids feel that I am ALWAYS around, etc. However, I have to realize that I don't have control over that and that I just have to continue being the open and caring person that I am and be there for them when they need me to be.

At any rate, it's not really creating a lot of problems other than the fact sometimes our plans have to change or we aren't able to see each other a lot.

If I think back to this time last year and all that has transpired, a lot has taken place. Again, we are not in a race and things will continue to be discovered with the passage of time.

I am excited for you, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how well it will go when the kids meet each other and I think the timing may be appropriate. I can't wait to hear how he takes the topic.

Keep us up to date, since we are all enjoying your life third person... LOL.

C and I were supposed to get together on Tuesday night, but a personal matter with his daughter came up and changed our plans. Now, way at the VERY beginning of the relationship, I would have been more disappointed. However, I just took it in stride and knew that if something like that would happen with me and my kids, that I know he would understand and that there was nothing that he could do about it. (I won't go into what it was, but it was a medical issue).

If anything, I think that it brought us even closer together because he has been calling me two to three times a day and sending me emails to ask my opinion, vent and just keep me up to date. I'm just there to offer my support and advice (if he asks for it).

I'm glad that he can come to me for these things. Even though I would have loved to have been with him on Tuesday night, I am sooo glad that he felt comfortable enough with me that he would be able to share his feelings, thoughts, etc.

I am beginning to realize that it is not so important whether I will hear those three little words at this moment. Don't get me wrong, I still want to hear them, but that is the least of my worries at this point. If I did not know it before, I definitely know it now, I AM important to him.

By the way, I was hoping to have that conversation on Tuesday night that I had mentioned to you all the other day. So, that will go on the back burner for a little bit anyway. That is a conversation that I would like to have face to face and not over the phone. I know I have asked this question in a similar fashion, but what is the best way to bring up a serious subject without him suddenly going, "Uh oh." I'm just looking into a segueway to get on the subject. I just don't want to be sitting there quietly watching TV and then say, "Oh, hon, when do you think that our kids should meet?" I just have such a hard time bringing up any REAL serious subjects. Once I'm in the conversation, then I can take it from there. But how do I start it? I know, I know, at this point, he probably wouldn't get too riddled with how I brought it up, but any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Start discussing your holiday arrangements, determine how he feels about getting "everyone" together at some point in time to celebrate/attend church... something with a family value to it.

Like I said, I will be with him and his kids on Thanksgiving at his parents. I just heard back from my sister-in-law (about an hour ago) that they are hosting Thanksgiving for my family on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. They've already met C, so she also made sure that I knew that he was invited as well.

What I just did was sent him an email about the plans for that Sunday with my family. I also mentioned in that email that if his kids are with him on that day, and IF he and his kids felt comfortable with it, that they are invited as well. I have a feeling that this might not be a comfortable situation for him and his kids, in that his kids would then be meeting my entire family, but I put it out there. I really did not want to email him about the plans, as I would rather talk to him about it, but on the flip side, I also wanted to give him some time and space to think about it without him feeling pressured to give me an immediate answer. I feel like I took the chicken way out, but like I said, his knee jerk reaction would probably be to say no, thinking that he would have to give me an answer right away. It is my hope that he will be able to think about it, talk to his kids about it and then come back to me with his answer.

All I can do now is just wait for his reply. If he does not respond to me via email, then I'm sure that we will be talking about it tonight when he calls.

I am sorry what I meant is that you, him, and all of the kids get together and do something for the holidays... not necessarily with outside family members, I agree that would make the situation harder. It could be as simple as a local tree lighting, a thanksgiving/santa skate day, something not too long and maybe the kids can bond.

Then again, he had invited me and my kids over to his house over the summer for his daughter's 16th birthday party, in which his entire family was there (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). The plans were all set for this to happen and then I fell and broke my knee a week prior to that!! Because of this, my kids were at their dad's for the week and I was staying at my friend's house (the one who is dating my boyfriend's brother). Therefore, the kids were not able to come with me, but I was able to get there because my friend was driving, etc. However, the only difference to this situation and Thanksgiving is that my boyfriend has an inground pool at his house and the kids would have been busy swimming and keeping busy with that. Also, it was on their turf and not someone else's. They could have retreated to their own rooms if they wanted to.

Well, I will just have to wait and see. I can't go back and change what I already did. I'm not going to worry about it (that's right Talaniman!! ). Just wait and see. It's not going to damage the relationship any. What it will do is bring the subject to the forefront. Maybe then I will feel more comfortable about bringing up the subject of the Christmas holidays and seeing what happens with that.

You handled things well so far, and amazing when you relax, and just go with the flow, you have oppurtunities for discussion. See what he says and go from there.

Just to add communications is important, and paying attention to your partner is equally important. I always thought it best to just lay it out, and then judge, if it best to give them think time, or push for answers.

Be flexible with him though, as all things happen in their own time, for their own reasons. Keep hanging in there.

Thanks T. I will do just that.

Tal is right, you are doing just fine, honey.

It is hard for any couple with their own children to have everything wind up in sudden harmony, but I have a feeling that he is willing to achieve that with you and will support you.

And, as I said before, the kids will 'sniff each other out' and it might be a little bit strange for you, but they will eventually come to arrangements with each other. They already know for sure that their Mom and Dad like each other and if they start liking you, or him (depending on the kids) - things will be less stressful for you.

You've surely got my fingers crossed!

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Hope it winds up being a super 'Turkey Day!'

Thanks, Chery!

So far, he has not responded to the email that I sent a couple of hours ago. I really was not expecting that he would respond right away, as that was part of the reason that I had sent him the email in the first place, so that he could think about it.

Most likely he will call me tonight and we can discuss it then. If he ends up not coming with me to my family's Thanksgiving, I have to at least be thankful that I was able to spend Thanksgiving day with him and that he asked me to spend Thanksgiving day with him. Everything in life is not perfect. You have to be happy that at least some things come out your way.

So, I will let you know what comes out of it as soon as I know myself. Most likely, he will say that he would like to go, but he will have to check to see what his kids are up to. Maybe they will be with their mom or something else.

As I expected, he called tonight. We talked about our usual stuff - how our day went, the kids, plans for this weekend, schedules, etc. I was waiting for him to bring up the subject about my email, but he didn't. When I heard his usual phrase that indicates the end of the conversation, I asked if he received my email about Thanksgiving and he said no. He told me that the server at work was on the fritz. Then he asked, "What about Thanksgiving? You're still coming, right?" I told him yes, but that the email was about MY family's Thanksgiving. I told him that it was on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and that I put all the details in there. He just said that he would read the email tomorrow and then let me know. I did not say anything about inviting his kids to it because I knew that he would be reading it tomorrow. So, I will just wait and see.

Wow, you are patient, that is a good thing... :)

Yes, I am patient. Sometimes though I think it is more about fear. Maybe, maybe not.

Like I said, I'm not in any rush, although it WOULD make it a lot easier for all of us if we could get this part out of the way. In that way, we could spend more time with each other, we wouldn't have to check about what each of our kids are doing to see if we can get together. Everybody would be more comfortable.

But, I don't want either sets of kids to feel that they are forced to act like one wonderful family. Even if the kids were introduced, I would hope that he would understand (and I hope that I would also be able to understand) that we still need our individual time with our own kids. For instance, from what I get from my kids, my ex's girlfriend is ALWAYS over and my kids are getting sick of it. I think added to this is that whenever she is over, they seem to have one argument after another. It is to the point that my son would like for them to breakup. (By the way, I don't ask them questions, they always lay it out as soon as they get home from his place). Although C and I have not had any fights, we have had some differences of opinion. It is wonderful to know that we can discuss issues, something that I was not used to in my marriage (hence my ex always arguing with his current girlfriend). I also know that if we were together while the kids were present, we would be able to keep our mouths shut until a more appropriate time presented itself. Even if it is sitting in the car in the garage, at least the kids can't hear everything. Or how about going for a walk? It's one thing for kids to hear disagreements and healthy ways of dealing with opposing viewpoints, but entirely another when there is name calling, one person yelling at another to get a life, etc.

Okay, I got off on a tangent, but I'm not going to delete it because I think it says a lot about my personality, and what I had to deal with in the past - as the situation with his current girlfriend sounds very similar to what was happening in our marriage (at least now I know it wasn't just me! )

What I am trying to say is that I don't want my kids to get sick of him being around all of the time and I don't want his kids to get sick of me being around them all of the time. If the kids get along well and they enjoy spending time together, then great, it's a win/win scenario. But even then, we still need eachother's space.

So, I will just wait to hear from him tomorrow. I will of course post and let you know!!

Just got an email from him a few minutes ago that simply read "Got your message". Therefore, I know that he is thinking about it. That is a lot better than coming right out of the box and saying "No."

Again, wait and see. It's not like we are not going to be spending at least part of the holiday together. Besides, I have to look back a complete year, as I did not even know him a year ago. A lot has gone on this past year (It will be a complete year on Dec. 2 that we started dating)

He called me at noon today just to say hi and just to "hear your voice". It was a very short conversation, but it kind of surprised me when he called because he does not normally call me during the day. I did not bring the subject about Thanksgiving up, as I know he will tell me when he has an answer. I will be glad if he can make it, but I know that he has his reasons if he can't.

Your are doing it right honey. As you said, you didn't even know each other a year ago. And, you are not used to being able to talk civil about issues without an audience (your ex seems to need one). Take it slow, the kids don't like conflicts and when they see that there will be none with you two, they will feel more comfortable too.

Keep on going with your gut-feeling and give him the security that you will accept his decisions as well. After all, there will be more holidays if this lasts and we don't need to rush anything at all. Just enjoy the time you do have together and miss each other when it's not possible.

My daughter and her now hubby have been together with one break-up before my grandson was born, and he's 2 now. This year will be the first time that I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them (long story) and it warms my heart. It took a lot out of me to not be pushy, but it paid off in the long-run.

So, I'm sure, that for you, this will also pay off.

Will be sending you good vibes and best wishes during both of these events, dear..

Give those kids of yours an extra hug for me too.
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Thanksgiving went very well. Was kind of nervous, as my ex was two hours late in picking up the kids, but it was in time for me not to have to rush to get to C's house on time (per the divorce decree, this year the kids are with him on Thanksgiving and with me on Christmas).

When I finally arrived, C and I talked for a minute or two outside of his car. While we were talking, I did not notice right away that his son was waiting in the car. After a minute or two, his son tapped on his window and frantically waved at me. After waving back to him, I turned to C, and said, "Wow, I think he likes me." C then said, "Yeah, he really likes you".

The drive over to his mom's house was very comfortable. The three of us fell easily into a conversation that was not stilted in any way. His daughter was already at the house when we arrived, as she drove there earlier. Now that she has her license and her own car, she always wants to drive separately.

It is always uncomfortable when arriving somewhere you have never been before. However, that did not last very long.

Dinner of course was delicious. As with any family, there are always differences in how families do things. For instance, in my family, everyone brings their plate to the kitchen and helps to clear off the table without anyone being asked to do so. However, that is not so with C's family. When everyone was done, they got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second and then started to help his mom clear the table. Eventually, she just shagged me out of the kitchen. C later explained to me that this was just the way that his mom liked it and that was how he was raised. He also said that he was shocked that she allowed me in the kitchen to help her at all because that had never happened before. Needless to say, I guess I made a great impression.

The rest of the evening was very relaxed. His daughter left soon after dinner. Eventually, the rest of us went to the family room to watch TV. We left a few hours later.

There were a few "bonding" moments between C's son and I - i.e. giving him the sign to give C a wet willy instead of just trying to stick his finger in his ear (he gave a great big smile and then did just that), giving him ideas on how he could redecorate his room when the subject came up (I was surprised when he turned to his dad and said, "Dad, can I do that?")

Overall, it was a very, very good day.

Sounds like your having fun getting to know everyone. That's the way its supposed to be. You go girl!

He's been traveling to Canada for his job since Tuesday and I miss him. It's funny because it's not like I would see him if he was home. I guess a part of me wishes that I could go with him sometimes. Maybe someday. I also realize when traveling for business it is not always fun, as I used to be in corporate America and did some traveling myself. It's not like I could go anyway because I have my kids.

Is this love? I think it is. Haven't said those words yet though, although I almost said them on Thanksgiving when we were alone. It almost slipped out when we were cuddling, but for some reason, I just held back. I know it is out of fear of not hearing those words come back after I say them. I know that if he did not say them, I would feel hurt. So, I guess it is avoidance.

He did say, "Happy Anniversary" on the 2nd. I'm trying not to read too much into that, but I was happy that he remembered. He said that it did not feel like a year and I had to agree with him.

It is amazing that so much has happened in this past year. Before I met him, I resigned myself into thinking that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I was somewhat sad about that, but I knew that if I dwelled on it, it would drive me into a severe depression and I could not do that to myself or my kids. I have grown so much since my divorce and I am proud of myself for so many things. My boyfriend does not make me who I am; I make me who I am. However, he seems to complete the circle of who I am (thank you Jerry McGuire - I just love that movie!! ). I cannot envision my life without him being part of it. We have a long road to go and so far, I am loving the journey.

I really am happy for you Mom of 2 , you know this has really turned out to be a "feel good' thread :)

Thanks for the compliment, Friend4u178. I just find it very therapeutic for me in that it is almost like a journal for me. Also, if I can in someway help someone else out there who is going through the same things, then it is always a plus. It is always nice to know that you are not alone and that someone else is going through the same issues and that you are completely normal. Sorry that this thread may in some ways be boring, but I kind of like the fact that there is not so much drama. I'll leave that for the other threads that are out there!!

posted 2/ 28 /08
The other posters are right, I think it takes more than 3 months, to know someone well enough, to know whether they are worth more from you. Enjoy the getting to know him, and his children, and see how you feel in a year. Then think long, and hard where you want it to go! There is no hurry, so you can be as cautious as you need to be. Go slowly and carefully,and have fun.



So seems your having fun, and going strong, and in light of the other sagas we get here, a really good, mature, feel good, story, is so refreshing to be a part of. Keep it going.

Okay, I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind. The job situation in this country is surely the pits. Although I still have a job, for which I am very thankful, I can't help but worry that it is at risk. I know, I know. Everyone is in the same boat (or at least most people). It can happen to anyone.

Anyway, enough of that. Just wanted to provide yet another update.

I had to work at my restaurant job all weekend (Fri and Sat). I always have Sundays off, which is nice. C called me around 1 p.m. after hungting with his brother, dad and son. He wanted me to come over to his place to run "errands". When I finally got over there, we got in the car and he asked me, "What do your kids want for Christmas". The subject of whether we were going to get eachother's kids anything has been on my mind, but I did not want to bring it up. I THINK that he was trying to ask me this several weeks ago when he asked me if I started Christmas shopping for my kids yet, or whether I was going to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I just kind of shrugged and said that I did not start, nor was I going out on that dreadful shopping day!!

I told him some things and he then said that he wanted to buy something for my kids and would be okay if he bought such and such. I was so happy because this means so much to me. I then told him what I was thinking about getting his kids and were they good ideas. He said yes. After the shopping, he asked if I was hungry, and without hesitation or thought, I asked if his son had dinner yet (he was home alone at the time) and that we should do something with him, as it would be rude to go and eat somewhere while he was hungry at home. He just looked at me and smiled, said, "You're right" and proceeded to call his son. We had a nice dinner at his house and then watched some TV before I left for home. Okay, nothing too exciting, but I thought it was a very nice evening anyway.

He had to travel to Mexico until Friday, so I have not been able to talk to him today. I talked to him yesterday before he had to board the plane. Even though we saw each other on Sunday, I still miss him so much. I always look forward to the phone calls every night because I can't wait to tell him how my day was and to ask about his. Believe me, I can function without him, but it is so nice just to hear his voice.

That's it for now.

Aw, you miss him... thats so normal. Makes me want to go kiss my wife.

Yes, go give her a big kiss!! I wish I could kiss him right now.

Christmas went VERY well. We exchanged gifts the Sunday before Christmas, since we had our own plans for Christmas with our own families. Prior to this, he asked me if I had my kids on Christmas, so I think that was his way of seeing if I was able to be with him on Christmas. He has been asking a lot about my kids lately, so I think that it is only a matter of time before our kids will be meeting. I am anticipating the summer, but only time will tell. I have a feeling that because our kids have not met and I had my kids on Christmas that was why he did not ask me to join him on Christmas. That's okay, as I don't want to rush that issue at the moment.

He gave me a Christmas card that read "Although this wish may be for Christmas, the love that it brings is forever". He did not sign it with Love, C, but maybe this was a baby step toward bringing the subject up. What do you think? I don't know why I am so scared about saying those three little words, as I truly feel that I do love him. I think that it is because of my divorce and the fact that I thought/was in love before and look what happened. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has felt that way. I am just unsure and scared of being hurt again. Then again, he would not have bought the card with that word in it if he did not in some way at least started to feel it. Am I reading too much into it?

On New Year's Day, I went over to his house. He has been fighting a cold for the past week or so and was just very tired. So, all we did was watch the Blackhawks/Redwings game on TV (we both enjoy sports), grabbed something to eat and then watched some more TV. I fell asleep in his arms and then left for home. Pretty uneventful. I would like to do more things than just watch TV at his house all of the time, but I knew that he was tired and just not in the mood to do much of anything. It is more important to be with him than to HAVE to do SOMETHING, but part of me is getting kind of bored with that. It's not like I want to swing from chandeliers - at least not with my knee still in recovery!! Also, it is winter and it is hard to do much of anything other than stay in doors. I think the other thing is the fact that when I go over to his house, his kids are home so we cannot be "totally alone", if you know what I mean. It's been almost 2 months now since we have been able to do that. Maybe I'm afraid of our relationship becoming stagnant. It's been awhile since we have gone OUT to do anything. My girlfriend wants the four of us (C and I, and her and C's brother) to do something on Sunday, so I know that all is not lost. I know that he feels bad about leaving his son alone, and part of me feels bad that his son would be left alone, but we still need to be alone sometimes. I don't want his son to resent me in any way, but I also don't want to start resenting the fact that he may be using the fact that his son is alone at home and that is why we are not doing anything more lately.

Okay, I think that I am rambling, which is a pretty good indication that I am starting to get tired. Just let me know what you think about what I am feeling. I think that I am pretty normal about what I am feeling, but it is always good to get someone else's perspective on it.

Omigosh, Mom are you getting horny?? Stay out of chandeliers as this is for the younger crowd(?) and you could get hurt again, hmmmmmm how did you hurt that knee again, honestly??

Most youngsters don't really understand how life gets in the way of fun and intimacy sometimes and your feelings are quit normal.

To answer your question, I hurt my knee at work when I slipped on ice by the ice machine when I was leaving. I broke my knee cap and had to have pins and wires put in to put it back together. But, nothing keeps me down for too long!!

In regard to being horny, well, yes I am. However, I just love spending time with him, even if it is just sitting on the couch. At least we are together and cuddling. But of course he is a little apprehensive about kissing because he never knows when his son will walk in. That is more of what I am talking about. Hey, I can totally understand that and that is why I would like to be alone with him so that we don't have to worry about "getting caught", you know what I mean?

But, I will take the spending time with him even if his kids are around rather than not being able to spend anytime with him. What I would really like to do is to go on a weekend trip with him sometime so that we don't have to worry about anyone else, schedules, etc. We've talked about it but our schedules makes it hard for us. If this is meant to be, then there will be time for all of that later. So, I will continue to remain patient and just feel blessed that I have this special man in my life.

Honey, you bring joy to my heart. I've been under the weather lately and also busy with my family over the holidays and getting ready for my brother's visit. He is coming to see me from Las Vegas in less than two weeks and I'm just so excited.

I have not been on this site as much as I would like lately, but when I read a thread like this one, it warms my heart.

You are a very special lady and I am proud of the way you've advanced in this relationship. With the insecurities of jobs, everyone's future in general, and all the bad news from the media, life today is hard enough when you are alone and raising children without a special person to be able to share some 'hug' time with.

I really feel good about this and think you two will go far in bonding the circle - even with the children and that is important in making this complete - and my gut feeling tells me that you are heading there in due time.

Even though I have been busy and will continue to be for a while, I still think about you and wish you all the best.

Sending you special vibes and lots of hugs,

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand. - Ella Wheeler Wilcox


http://www.postsmile.com/img/love/2553.gif

Keep on doing what you're doing with patience and warmth, and you'll be rewarded. You deserve it!

Thanks to all for all of the encouragement that I have been getting from you. It definitely helps!!

C came over yesterday at 3 and we hung out for a little while at my place until it was time to meet his brother and my friend for dinner at the restaurant. We had a good time. We then went back to my place and started to watch a movie. We finally had some alone time. I had to make the first move, as he seemed to be just content in holding me on the couch. Maybe that was what he was waiting for. Later in the night, I finally turned to him and said, "I want to say something to you." His eyes were closed and then he opened them and looked at me and asked, "What is that?" I took a small breath and said, "I love you." He made a sound similar to "Uuuhhhmm" (can't seem to spell it right) and then a slight giggle similar to "huhuh". He then gave me a squeeze and closed his eyes with a smile on his face. There was silence after that, but he continued to hold me close. After about 10 minutes like that, he asked me, "Honey, what time is it?" I told him that it was 10:15, which is right about the time that he would normally say that he had to go. I kind of became sad because I knew that it was time for him to go. I flicked on the hall light for him to see better and discovered that the light bulb went out (this was a different hall light from the one that I wrote about a while ago). Normally I don't cuss, but I did at this point. I think I was a little bit frustrated over the fact that he did not respond in the way that I had hoped he would when I said those three little words, and now I had to change the f*****g lightbulb. All he said was, "Sweetie, go and get me a lightbulb and I'll change it for you." When he said that, I could not help but remember Tal's comment about the fact that men usually like to do things instead of say things. That put a smile on my face as I went to get the lightbulbs.

After he changed them, I walked him to the door, we gave each other a kiss and a great big hug. He told me that he would call me later, which has meant the next day in the past. I never made any further comments on his reaction and figured I never would. I felt that the time was right for me to state my feelings and now at least it is out there.

I immediately called one of my friends, who told me that this was typical for a guy and not to read too much into it. She reminded me that he did not bolt out the door, did not sit up shocked and he continued to hold me close.

About 10 minutes after I got off the phone with her (about 40 minutes after he left), he called me to let me know that he got home safe, which is something that he has never done before. Let me correct that, he did call me once before, but that was because I specifically asked him to because when he was leaving, it was snowing really bad and I told him that I would not be able to fall asleep unless I knew that he got home safe. But other than that ONE time, he has never done this.

After thinking about it all day today, I have decided that I will not tell him that I love him again until/unless he says it to me. For one thing, I told him I loved him and now he knows I do. Second, I don't want to make him more uncomfortable and in some way force him to say something that he either does not feel yet, or is too uncomfortable to say at this time. Third, if/when he says it, I want him to say it because he means it, not just to say it because he thinks he has to. I know that when I said it, I meant it and I want it to be the same for him.

In no way do I regret saying it. However, I would be lying if I said that his lack of a response that included words did not make me sad in a way. I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I already said it for the first time. It is always hardest to do something for the first time. I will just continue to show him that I love him and when he is ready to say those words to me, I know that he will mean them.

It's true. Men are more about action than words, especially when it's a person they care about. If after hearing the three magic works he was this good to you, then no, you shouldn't look into it too much. There could be many reasons he didn't reply --only he knows why-- but his actions say he cares about you very much. Don't say the word again, it will be his turn now. If the words take time to come, just go by his actions towards you until they do.

I was hoping that I was thinking and doing the right things.

He did not call tonight, but that really did not surprise me. I'm sure that he expects that I would bring the subject of what I said last night up and he just wanted to lay low. Then again, I really don't know what he is thinking/saying to himself. Like I said before, and like the advice that I received, I will not say it again, and I will not bring up the subject at all. If he wants to say it, he will say it. I will just continue with "business as usual". The subject will only come up if HE wants to bring it up. I said what I had to say and I certainly don't regret it. The ball is in his court.

Geeez Mom, he did say he loves you!! A grunt, and a smile means "I love you too!":rolleyes: Darn females, they never pay attention to what they are supposed too!! Make it so bad, he changed your light bulb too?? :eek: There it is you just weren't listening, I mean what's a guy supposed to do?? Take out the garbage, and do windows too?? :confused:

The lady doth protest too much! :cool:

I enjoyed that so much!

Hey, Tal, yes I was listening!! Remember what I wrote about when I went downstairs to get the lightbulb? I was thinking about what you mentioned about guys doing things to show that they love someone. I actually smiled while walking down the stairs when I remembered this. So, maybe he won't vocalize it for a while, oh well. I know that he cares otherwise he would have bolted out the door and sat up in shocked silence.

Like I said in the past, I am using this thread as a way of getting my thoughts out there for therapy and insight for me, as well as a way to hopefully help someone else out there who may be experiencing the same things as I am. Males and females have different perspectives and different ways of showing and telling the other person how they feel. This thread has really helped me to understand these differences. I hope that it also helps someone else in the process.

In no way do I regret saying it. However, I would be lying if I said that his lack of a response that included words did not make me sad in a way. I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I already said it for the first time. It is always hardest to do something for the first time. I will just continue to show him that I love him and when he is ready to say those words to me, I know that he will mean them.



This is normal for any couple. They think about it at the same time, but generally expect the other to say those three little words first, and naturally all think that they should not reply right away with the same because it might come across as not sincere. Just wait, the ball is in his court, and you should not dwell on this. You said what you felt and that makes things easier for you and you can be more relaxed.

The best thing to do is to enjoy the quality time with him and also with the rest of your families when possible as this also builds the bond. By the time you turn around, your relationship and it's progress will be unstoppable - and you both will have the support from your children. Remember nothing is totally perfect, but it sure can get close.

Continued best wishes in this for you dear and keep us posted.

http://www.postsmile.com/img/love/2517.gif

Mom of 2 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/mom+of+2.html) agrees: Yes, but you forgot to say clean the toilets and do the laundry. How about feed the cat and cook dinner, too!!!
(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/mom+of+2.html)

YES DEAR!!! Now those are the words you should cherish with all your heart!:eek:

It is very normal with you are feeling. I have been through this situation and to be honest it doesn't have an easy answer. The question is how truly serious are you about this man? If you are thinking in terms of marriage, etc then the time is right for the kids to be around each other. However, I want you to consider a few things. What role does each of your ex's play? Are they in the picture in a big time way, a little, or not at all. How will you two deal with that? Second, in the way they are raised. To be honest, my last relationship came to an end mainly because we had two different philosophies on raising children. She did not have custody of her kids so when they came for a visit, she was afraid to be a parent and told them yes to everything. She was more into being a friend than a parent. I believe you want to have a good relationship with your child and you want them to be able to talk to you about anything, etc but parents are not their child's "friend". You don't discipline your friends. In the end, because our children were raised differently it did not work. It is interesting but some women actually have a problem dating single men with children, I don't get it.

Good luck!

We actually have a similar parenting style, so that is not really the issue. I have primary custody of my kids and he has primary custody of his kids, so sometimes this causes us not to be able to see a lot of each other. However, this has forced us to have more phone conversations, which I wouldn't trade for the world. Why is that? Well, it has forced us to TALK to each other and get to know each other that way. In the few so called dating situations that I had after my divorce, I felt that the guys had trouble with the fact that I was with my kids a lot and I did not have a lot of free time to date. Therefore, the relationships fizzled, if you could even call them true relationships. So the fact that my guy has a very similar schedule to me makes it very nice. We both understand our commitment to our kids and it makes us understand each other and appreciate the time that we do have together.

Like I said, I know his kids and he knows mine. We just have to introduce our kids to each other. I have a feeling that this will take place this summer. He has an inground swimming pool in his backyard and he had mentioned that this might be a good way for the kids to meet and allow them to be involved in having fun while getting to know each other, etc. However, we will need to wait until the summer, which in the grand scheme of things will be here before we know it.

I'm not in a rush, so I am just going to remain patient and when it happens it will happen. In the meantime, I'm going with the flow. His kids are becoming more comfortable with me, as I am becoming more comfortable with them in that I am not nervous about what to talk about, etc. One step at a time.

I'm also not in a rush because I personally don't want to get married for a long while, if in fact that is where this is going. I can definitely see a future with C and I often dream of spending the rest of my life with him. However, I don't want to uproot either one of our kids from their school surroundings. That means that nothing will be happening for another 6 years at the earliest. That is just fine with me. Again, I don't know what the future holds, but I would say that it continues to grow more serious with each passing month.

I forgot to add the fact that C's ex is almost non-existent in their childrens' lives. She takes them from time to time, but NEVER for more than 24 hours. It is really sad because I really feel that she is missing out on so much and she will only regret it later when it is too late. My ex on the other hand keeps a tally for EVERYTHING. Everything has to be equal. Although I have the kids 60% of the time, if I have them for an extra 2 hours one day for a party, I need to make that 2 hours up to him. It is really ridiculous. However, I'm not going to stress over it and I just accept it. At least I can say that I don't have to worry about him not following through on visitation because I swear that he has the divorce decree laminated in his wallet.

At any rate, my boyfriend thinks that my ex is a total arse (which he is), but he understands that he is an ex for a reason and he does not judge me for any of that. He just feels sorry that my kids have to deal with the crud that they have to deal with regarding him. I simply just laugh it off.

So, although our exes can try to make our lives difficult, my boyfriend and I just laugh over the situations that we have to deal with regarding them, thank God that we don't have to deal with them on a daily basis anymore and feel blessed that we have each other in our lives. Ultimately, it is up to C and I to determine how much we want to allow our exes to impact our current lives. We may bring up the subject of "Get this..." end of discussion and laugh. Giving it more than that is giving our exes too much power over us. Again, they are exes for a reason.

Okay, I am probably over thinking this, but I wanted to at least get my thoughts and feelings out there. At work today, I talked about how I told my boyfriend that I loved him after our date on Sunday and how he responded to it. I had some interesting responses from my co-workers. I spoke with mostly guys, but there were some females.

One of the girls that I talked to said that since he was so hurt by his ex wife, he probably is very hesitant to say those words, but maybe he is feeling the same way but just can't say them.

One of the guys that I talked to said that you can be dating a guy for 1, 2 or more years and he may still not be love the person that he is with. I say that is crazy. I mean, if you are with a person for that period (I know, in a lifetime that is only a drop in the bucket) you MUST have strong feelings for that person, right? Then again, this guy is still in his early 20s, so what does he know (I guess).

The second guy who was present said that he told his wife that he loved her after only knowing her 9 days. I don't think that this is normal either, but whatever. At any rate, both of the guys said that I should not pressure him into saying I love you and that he will say it when he is ready. They both said that the most important thing is that he still treated me well afterwards and that it is the actions that speak louder than words. Again, that is what the guys on this thread have been saying all along and that makes total sense to me.

However, the thing that sits way back in my head and the thought that I cannot get rid of is the comment by the young guy who said that it is possible to be with someone for years and not be in love with them. Now I'm worried that maybe my boyfriend does not love me and that he never will. Yes, Tal. There goes my mind again.

Here is the suggestion that one of the guys said that I should do. He mentioned that "You have to talk about the elephant in the room". I have heard this saying once before, but never understood the meaning. It was explained to me that now there will be an uncomfortableness between us and that I should just come out and say what is on my mind regarding the situation.

So, with that said, here are my thoughts:

When I said that I loved him, I meant it. It was not just because we were just intimate, it's because I have been wanting to say it for a while. Following are the reasons that I love him: I love being with him, talking to him, doing things with him, holding his hand, smiling with him, laughing with him, snuggling with him. I love how he looks at me, thinks about me and does things for me and of course when he holds me and caresses my hand. I love him for the considerate person that he is, how he always seems to order exactly what I ordered and his other quirky traits. I love how he is such a good dad to his kids and how he treats my kids and the rest of my family when he is around them. I love how he helps people in need and always seems to do the morally right thing. The most important reason is BECAUSE I DO.

Here is what I would like to tell him:

"I sense a little bit of uneasiness after what I said on Sunday night. I just wanted to let you know that I said what I said because I meant it. However, I am aware that maybe this made you feel a little uncomfortable and that was not my intent. I knew that when I said it there was a possibility that you would not respond in the same way. And I want to let you know that I am okay with that. You now know how I feel and I don't want you to feel forced to say it if you do not mean it. In fact, I don't want to hear those words unless you 100% mean them."

OR should I just keep my gob shut and not say anything? Come on guys, help me out!! I don't want what I said on Sunday to negatively effect our relationship in any way. I also don't want to create any further tension and problems because of my uneasiness and need to know how he feels. I want to express to him in some way that I don't want him to feel pressure about what I said and that my feelings are still the same no matter what.

Okay, I am probably over thinking this
Probably so.


OR should I just keep my gob shut and not say anything?
That would be my advice.

Mom, we all have to acknowledge our feelings the best way we know how. So relax, and just enjoy getting more familiar with him, and his ways, and basically enjoy yourself while the process works the way it will. Its about how you deal with things, and your attitude about it. Life is 99% attitude and maybe 1 % whats going on, so always know how you feel, just don't expect others to react as you want, or need. Thats keeping it real.

You are still in learning phase, and high expectations, assuming, and presuming, will be your enemy as you work together to build a basis for honest communications, and expressions.

Try not to get stuck on to much thinking, or processing every little thing for its meaning. ( getting carried away by feelings and overlooking fact! ) Stepping back from the relationship, will keep you focused, and balanced, as you deal with your feelings on a daily basis.

Yes Mom, there are other things in your life that you shouldn't ignore, while your missing Dude. I know your high energy, always thinking, but take a break from the brain, sometimes and RELAX.

Too much thinking is as bad as not enough, so balance!!!




OR should I just keep my gob shut and not say anything?

Great plan.

Thanks for the advice. That was what my original plan was to do before my co-workers made the suggestion of bringing the subject up for discussion again.

You guys have never steered me wrong!!

Mom of 2, I have been out of pocket for awhile but have been catching up. I agree that you said what was on your heart and it is out there. His response was not negative.

You ask should you just leave it alone and "keep your mouth shut"... I would suggest definitely, just blow it off for now. Next conversation, just visit as usual. It will take pressure off him to respond. I believe he knows you meant it. He may need time to digest it even though I know he has known for sometime already. His actions seem to prove his feelings. It is as Tal said. My husband is one of those men who, if we are in a stressful time, he will do anything and everything around the house where as I want to "talk it out". He is not much of a talker and uncomfortable with that... Just relax as you have done so many times before and let this develop in its fullness. I would not mention this to him at this time... no. You and I are alike in many ways as we discussed early on in the posts. I just know a women (I am referring to me) can talk a subject to death!! LOL Too much talk sometmes takes the specialness (?) away from the subject at hand. (Not being critical of your thinking of what you might want to say to him, as I have that need to do the same! LOL Just trying to give best advice for now.)

Give it time. Best for you and for him right now. Any discussion would again, bring it up and probably make him feel he needs to respond. But you want it real when it happens. I think he will find a creative way of saying this to you very soon.

The fact that he has his children as much as he does, may make him a little less in a hurry to say the words, not knowing how fast that might lead in another direction.

Keep us posted. He seems considerate and loving. I think he will make it a special time when he does decide to say those words. You've come a long way Mom of 2 and I am so proud of you!! :)

The majority of the people who I have talked to about this have told me not to say another word about it unless he brings it up. So, as I originally planned, I am not going to say another word about it.

He called me last night around 9 p.m. which is a little bit early for him. I had just gotten home from dinner with a girlfriend of mine and then called my grandma. While I was talking to her (boy can she talk), he called. I normally would tell my grandma (or whoever I was talking to) that I had to go because another call was coming through. But, I decided to finish my conversation with her and then would call him back. I know, it is a little bit of game playing, but quite frankly, I did want to finish my conversation with my grandma. I also did want him to miss me/wonder a little bit, too!! I called him back within 30 minutes, so it really wasn't that bad. That's about the extent of my game playing.

Our conversation went very smoothly, talking about eachother's day, what we did, etc. It felt like the same pattern of speech before I made my proclamation. Near the end of our conversation, he asked if I had my kids this weekend - because of the Christmas holiday, he wasn't quite sure if this was my regular weekend or if it was next week. He sounded a little disappointed that it was my weekend with the kids, which leads me to believe that he is starting to miss me more and more. Hmmmmm!!

The conversation ended, and although he seemed to hesitate, I did not and I just said goodnight. Could it be that he was waiting for me to say it again? Only he will know for sure. All that I know and can promise is that I will not say those three little words again until I hear them from him or he brings up the subject. I don't want to make him any more uncomfortable than he might be at this point. He knows how I feel and that is what is important. Once he is able to say it, though, I am one who would say it all of the time. Until then, I'm keeping my mouth shut!!

I honestly believe with everything that you have told us about this that he was caught a bit off guard from your omission. He probably had a lot of things run through his head the minute he heard you say "I love you" and with everything that was running through his head he knew he had not responded in adequate time so he continued with his silence.

Now he has probably been reflecting on the situation just as much as you have if not more and he is now waiting for the appropriate way to assure you that the feelings are mutual.

Admissions of love are very difficult as the fear of rejection is always there whether you feel secure you will not be rejected. Not hearing "I love you" back is very difficult, but I think it was more of the element of surprise that got him.

Hold tight, he is looking for the way to tell you and you can probably expect a card or flowers if he still continues to be too scared to say it out loud at this point. Once this elephant is out of the bag then it won't be such an elephant anymore.

Don't make this a big deal.

Nope. I'm not going to make it a big deal. I have a feeling that it is going to take him a while to say those words. What kind of surprises me is that he has absolutely no problem with calling me Sweetie, Sweetheart, Honey, etc. which some men can never bring themselves to say. When he said this during the first week we were dating, I thought, "Wow, he's not afraid to express his feelings." HA! It's amazing that sometimes what we think we see at first is totally different than what actually is.

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy with the type of person he is and I don't want him to change one iota. I am the one who has to get used to how he communicates. I have control of myself and how I react to my surroundings.

Thanks again for all of the good advice. I feel that we are moving along in the right direction.

As soon as I walked into work today, my manager, who is one of the guys that I was consulting with about this, asked how things were going. When I told him that everything was fine, he had a look of relief on his face. He then told me that he was talking over my situation with his wife and she told him to tell me NOT to say anything and he was worried that I said something and that he was sorry that he gave me what he called bad advice. I told him that I had decided not to say anything and that I was just going to ride it out, etc.

Another male coworker overheard the conversation and kind of interjected something that I found enlightening. When I mentioned that I was still just a little bit sad about not hearing the words from him, he said, "Why is that?" He mentioned that he had a similar conversation with his 8 year old son about saying I love you. He then asked me if when I say "I love you" to my kids, do I want/demand them to say it back to me? I replied, "Well, no. I tell them that I love them to make them feel good about themselves and of course because I want to remind them that I do and that I mean it. But, it certainly does not hurt me when they don't repeat it back because I know that they love me." Then the light went on. The coworker turned to me and smiled and said, "Then why would it be any different with your boyfriend? If you want/demand a response, then that is not real unconditional love."

I just wanted to pass that on, as I thought it was a very enlightening perspective.

I still have not uttered those words again and he has not said them either.

I spoke with my friend today (the one who is dating my boyfriend's brother). I mentioned the fact that I had told him that I loved him and to get her feelings on it. She said that she is surprised that it took me so long to say those words and that it is quite evident to both her and her boyfriend that we both love each other. She promised me that she would not say anything to her boyfriend about this for obvious reasons. She mentioned to me that although she has been "a apart of their family" for awhile, she really does not know what makes my boyfriend tick and why he may be so nervous about saying it. In fact, she said, "What is there NOT to love about you? Don't worry, at least you KNOW that WE love you!!!" I had to laugh about that. I know that he does and that for his own reasons, he has not said anything. Oh well, I have not changed from my game plan of not saying anything until he says something. He called me tonight and we talked for a little bit without any sort of uneasiness.

Why would he be uneasy? He knows how you feel, and after a year, he knows how he feels. The next 6 months to a year, is getting to know if what you each feel is love, as you will be defining what you mean to each other and getting a deeper understanding of what you mean by your words.

His definition of love may be different than yours. This is where you pay close attention, as you learn each others language.

Its also where you really find out the things about each other that will cause you the most conflict, and needs the most honest communications, as the red flags start to appear after you get comfortable enough to relax, and be yourselves.

This is the part you slow down, and pay attention to each other, and do the real listening, and the plain talk, as if there is a plan to be made this is it.

Always remember, there is no hurry, and its important now more than ever to keep your life balanced, and not become dependent on each other, but learn each other on a deeper level.

I write this, not to discourage you, but to caution you not to get carried away, and stay alert.

Its important to see how well you work together through honest communications, to see what the long term effects, and goals are, and if he opens up to you. If he does not, there is no long term, and this is something he must do.

Why is it important? Because you CANNOT build anything on assuming things are going great in the direction you want, or presume he feels as you do, nice as he may act.

Your getting close to the people he loves, and cares about, but that doesn't mean your getting close to him, so make sure he has the room to make sure you know his feelings, that are deeper than his action, and are clear about what he wants from you. That means pay attention.

If in doubt, ASK never assume.

Just because your thrilled, don't assume he is. There is no hurry. Enjoy the process.

Mom of 2, I have been out of pocket for awhile but have been catching up. I agree that you said what was on your heart and it is out there. His response was not negative.

You ask should you just leave it alone and "keep your mouth shut"...I would suggest definitely, just blow it off for now. Next convo, just visit as usual. It will take pressure off of him to respond. I believe he knows you meant it. He may need time to digest it even though I know he has known for sometime already. His actions seem to prove his feelings. It is as Tal said. My husband is one of those men who, if we are in a stressful time, he will do anything and everything around the house where as I want to "talk it out". He is not much of a talker and uncomfortable with that...........Just relax as you have done so many times before and let this develop in its fullness. I would not mention this to him at this time...no. You and I are alike in many ways as we discussed early on in the posts. I just know a women (I am referring to me) can talk a subject to death!!!! LOL Too much talk sometmes takes the specialness (?) away from the subject at hand. (Not being critical of your thinking of what you might want to say to him, as I have that need to do the same! LOL Just trying to give best advice for now.)

Give it time. Best for you and for him right now. Any discussion would again, bring it up and probably make him feel he needs to respond. But you want it real when it happens. I think he will find a creative way of saying this to you very soon.

The fact that he has his children as much as he does, may make him a little less in a hurry to say the words, not knowing how fast that might lead in another direction.

Keep us posted. He seems considerate and loving. I think he will make it a special time when he does decide to say those words. You've come a long way Mom of 2 and I am so proud of you!!!!!!!! :)

Had to 'spread it' again.

Mom of 2 - I agree what Rebby said. Don't worry about it and just enjoy the quality time together. From what I gather, you are the only one feeling uneasy currently, so just relax honey...

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Enjoy having a good time. All the reasons you explained really speak for themselves when you described how he treats you.

I have to vent. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion and worrying too much. Me worry? NEVER!! Ha!

The last time that we talked was on Monday. At the end of the conversation, he said, "Good night sweetie. I'll call you tomorrow night." The next night came and went without a phone call. I did not sweat it because I figured that he must have fallen asleep or something like that. The next night came and went and no phone call. However, I work on Wednesday nights and he normally does not call on the nights that I work because I cannot take phone calls and I usually don't get out of work until rather late. Again, I figured no big deal. The next night came and went without a phone call - and no phone call during the day either, which is something that he does if he did not call me the night before. This is when I started worrying that something was going on. I called him during the day the next day, but it went to voicemail. The night came and went and still no phone call. Again, this is a night that I work, so I figured that was the reason. Yesterday morning I decided to text him at 1 p.m. to see how he was, to let him know that I did not want to call him and disturb anything that he was in the middle of, etc. and that I missed him. No response. By the way, sometimes he responds to texts by texting back and sometimes he calls me in response, but nothing at all happened this time. I called him about an hour after I left the text that I just wanted to say hi before going to work, but it went to voicemail again (after ringing several times). There has still not been any response from him. We usually get together on Sundays, but we have not talked about it at all. I don't want to assume anything that we will be seeing each other, but I would very much like to see him. I am worried that maybe I freaked him out and that he no longer wants a relationship. Then my mind started wandering and thought, is there ANY way that he could have seen my posts on this site, put two and two together that I was posting things on the site about us, got ticked off and wants nothing to do with me? I know I'm reaching, but I have to put down what I am thinking. If that is the case, then I would have course stop with this thread because I do not want to make him uncomfortable, etc. Would that be possible for him to find this thread without being a member? I have not used our names, but the situations are specific enough that if he did read this, he would have to know.

I guess I will have to wait and see if I hear from him tomorrow. I don't want to chase him down, but I need to know what is going on. I am hoping that there is a very good reason for what is going on. I am just very surprised that it is going on 6 days without ANY communication with him. I think that he had to travel for work, but I can't remember what days that was for. It makes me sad, but I will go on. I just need to know WHAT is going on. I just hope that nothing seriously bad has happened to him or anyone else in his family.

I'm not looking for advice. However, if you have any advice to give, feel free to provide it. Has anyone else been in this situation? At this point, I don't know what to think. Does anyone think that I scared him off? I am just confused because he was just showing the signs of slowly moving forward and I thought that I was taking his lead. I was not looking for a relationship with anyone and then I met him. Even when I met him, I initially did not think of a relationship with him but was just going with the flow. I am going through so many emotions right now; a mixture of madness and sadness, while also at the same time I am missing him soooo much!!

Mom of 2, bless your heart! I was on my way to bed when I saw this pop up. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone at this moment, I am thinking about you and your situation. I would contact the sister-in-law just to make sure he was not in an accident or maybe has been ill this week. There have been some nasty virus's going around that really hang on. That would rule out one possibility.

I have no answers and like you many questions. I doubt very seriously he has knowledge of this site and thread, unless you shared with the sister-in-law that you mention at times? That would be the only connection I can think of but even so, I believe as well as he has communicated with you thus far, he would have taken time to discuss this with you. If he has found out, and is upset, he might need time to digest it. Even though names aren't mentioned, it could make one feel vulnerable but the things you have shared have been so precious, if he has read them, surely he could see the progression of your feelings and your reason for posting so I wouldn't worry about that.

Does he usually call when he goes out of town on business? If not, that is probably where he is.

At any rate, try not to panic. I know the tendency would be to do so with as much as you care for him. One thing to keep in mind is that IF he is leaving you alone because of your proclamation of love that one time, I would be a bit concerned, as far into this relationship as you are, of his communication skills in a relationship and could be a red flag.

If you find out he is healthy and just not in touch, give it a few more days. Other's will be on here later I'm sure. Tal will give better advice than I. I have been out of the dating arena a long time. LOL The guy really has not seemed like a game player. That is a good thing.

Expect the best, prepare for the worst but keep your spirits high, knowing you are worthy of being loved and of hearing it from a person who you have given so much time and energy and love to and have given he and his family much respect. Give yourself as much respect as you have given him. You are a special lady! I will be checking back. Try not to fret too much. When he does get in contact, give him time to say what he has to say... as it could have been a business trip... because once words are said, they can't be taken back so choose your path wisely as you have been doing throughout this whole relationship.

Believe and know this, you and your little ones will be okay with or without this person. You are an amazing lady!

Thanks, Rebbie!! I am embarrassed at how much I have allowed this to affect me. Sometimes I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like crying out of frustration, as well as for missing him and not being able to contact him.

I will try and expect the best - you probably already know that I am preparing for the worst, as I always seem to do that. Sometimes I hate this because it can really make you a pessimistic person, which I don't want to be.

Yes, I am sure that Tal will be on here soon. I am sooo looking forward to what he has to say. One of the things he will probably say is for me to not make a big deal out of this. And ordinary guy, if he responds, will probably say that I am thinking way too much over this.

The one thing that I have to remember is the fact that the last words that we said to each other were sweet without any negativity. OHHHH, the power that his phone calls (or the lack thereof) have over me stinks!! I am so afraid of being hurt again - that is what is really going on. After my divorce, I did not want to date ANYONE because of this. I told myself that I would rather be alone than to be hurt again. I now know that I really don't want to be alone, that I love being with him and knowing that he cares about what happens to me, etc. I have my kids, but sometimes I need another adult to be there for/with me. Friends and family can only go so far. By the way, my coworkers have noticed that I have lacked my skippy step for the past few days and they asked me if anything was wrong. I just told them that I was tired and worried about how my job phone-interview went on Friday (I think it went well - they said that they would definitely be in contact with me next week, as they told me that the next steps would be to decide who would be coming in to have a formal interview at their company office).

Come on Tal, hurry with your response!! Ha ha!!

Mom, don't feel embarrassed that you feel so much passion for life, for your children, for this guy. Think what the world would be like if we all guarded ourselves so we would never get hurt... think of all the joys we would miss along the way. I do, however, understand your concern that you might get hurt again but look at it this way, if you can for just a minute... what if you don't get hurt! That's a positive approach and difficult to do with so many unknowns. I am not trying to be flippant, just hoping to help you see, there may be a positive outcome.

You didn't mention if you have checked with his sis-n-law yet!

Try to get some rest. Night time is always the hardest when our imaginations work overtime. Morning will come and with morning, possible answers. When a person is overtired, it is harder to be positive, at least, I find that to be true. Best to you!

Okay. Good night, Rebbie!!

By the way, I forgot to answer whether I talked to my friend. No I have not. I did not even think to do that until right before I left for work. Because I needed to get to work and did not have time for a long conversation, which is what would have resulted in my calling her, I decided to wait until Sunday - IF he does not call me.

I will definitely be posting tomorrow in order to give all of you status on what ends of happening tomorrow. It is my sincere wish that I AM blowing this out of proportion and that nothing is wrong. If I do talk to him tomorrow, I will tell him that I was worried about him because we did not talk for so many days, but I will definitely NOT reprimand him for it!! Most likely, there is a good reason for his not calling.

Thanks again for caring so much and responding so quickly. It's great to have such good friends out there, even if we have not officially met.

Stop calling, stop worrying. You have no choice but to wait. It will be interesting to see how you handle this glitch. Contrary to popular belief, its times like these that bring out the best, or worst in us. Now back off, and carry on with your life, as you have done enough, and you must be patient, and get the facts.

Yep, you were all right. He ended up calling me early this morning, apologized that he had a hectic week. I did a lot of unnecessary worrying. Called him back after his call, as I did not hear my phone ring when he called. Just said I was returning his call. So, at least I know/think that it had nothing to do with me. I feel stupid but a lot better. Thanks for the advice!! I have just had a stressful week and I found out that I was depending a little too much on his phone calls/contact to make me feel better. That is not a wise thing to do and I feel ashamed for it. That is bordering on codependency, which is something that I don't want to have to deal with. I think I was a little nervous because of my admission of love to him 2 weeks ago. That is what was on the back of my mind. Believe me, I learned my lesson.

Thanks!!

Good for you Mom of 2, you have done well. As someone with an overactive imagination, I could identify a little bit too much last night to give you too much input! Tal was here as I knew he would be. All is well with the world!!

Don't ever feel stupid Little One. The only thing I might suggest is not sharing with the friend how upset you got. Not because of her not being a good friend, I know she is, but she might tell your man's brother. He probably doesn't need to know you were feeling so upset... at least not now. (Just a thought)

As C.S. Lewis said to a son when asked, "But what do we do now?"... Mr. Lewis said, "We carry on, we just carry on." (Different scenario, the little boy's mother had passed but my sister and I when going through stressful situations, always remind each other that we are to just "carry on" with life, moving forward. Yea for you Little One. Proud of you.

Yes, we must carry on.

If there is any piece of advice/knowledge that I gleaned from this episode it is... Don't assume anything. Don't allow anything to upset you until you know ALL of the answers. Just because there is no news, it is does not mean that is a bad thing.

In regard to my friend, I know that there is a possibility that she would say something to her boyfriend about any situation that I tell her about. So, I will heed your advice and refrain from saying anything to her about this.

Good for you Mom of 2, you have done well. As someone with an overactive imagination, I could identify a little bit too much last night to give you too much input! Tal was here as I knew he would be. All is well with the world!!!

Don't ever feel stupid Little One. The only thing I might suggest is not sharing with the friend how upset you got. Not because of her not being a good friend, I know she is, but she might tell your man's brother. He probably doesn't need to know you were feeling so upset.....at least not now. (Just a thought)

As C.S. Lewis said to a son when asked, "But what do we do now?"........................Mr. Lewis said, "We carry on, we just carry on." (Different scenario, the little boy's mother had passed but my sister and I when going through stressful situations, always remind each other that we are to just "carry on" with life, moving forward. Yea for you Little One. Proud of you.

Got to spread it again, Rebby, but you did super here and Mom of 2 knows it, I'm sure. Same goes for you Tal..
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Mom... just relax and let things happen. Don't be so spontaneous in your thoughts of failure, stop the panic trip. This is new to him as well as it is to you, and you have to ride that wave. When you get panic attacks, just think of his sweet words, remember the fun you have and think positive. Give yourself and him the benefit of doubt. You can tell us all, as we have been following, but keep all others out of it (easier said than done) and just stay cool.

You are doing great, like Rebby said, so don't flip out on us now, OK... This is a good lesson in patience nothing more, nothing less.


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Have a great weekend.

I am freaking out at the moment. Last week, he called me on Monday, said that he was going to call me on Tuesday. But Tuesday came and went. Wednesday came and went. Thursday came and went. Friday, I had my phone interview, so I called him to let him know how it went, but the call went into his vm. Friday night came and went and no response from him. Saturday, I texted him at 1 p.m. asking how he was doing and that I missed him. No response. I called him around 3:00 just to say hi before I went to work. Saturday, he did not return my call. Found out from my friend that they were at his mom and dad's house on Saturday to celebrate his mom's and brother's birthday. Sunday he called me at 10 am, saying "Returning your call. Had a busy week doing things, running errands. Give me a holler when you get a chance." I called him back a little bit later, left a message, it went into vm. He called me about 2 hours later, saying that he was going back over to his mom's with his kids because that day was her actual birthday. Said that he would call me later, but he never did. He usually calls around 10:30, so when it was 10:45, I took it upon myself to call him. It went into vm and I left a message that I wanted to tell him goodnight. Monday, he called me at 5 p.m. We talked about our day. I talked about a problem that I was having with my ex about the kids, he gave me advice, etc. I asked about his day, said that he had a busy day, but it was good overall. Tuesday, I emailed him saying that I received a threatening email from my ex about the same situation and that I was scared, etc. He offered advice when he sent an email in response to mine. That is the last time that I had contact with him. I returned the email, thanking him for the advice, saying that I knew I was strong and that I would get through this, but that I just needed to vent. That is the last contact that I have had with him. It is now Thursday (really Friday) and I feel so sad. What did I do wrong? I should have just kept my mouth shut about what was going on with my ex, but up until this time, we have helped each other with issues regarding our exes (he included) and I thought that it would be okay. However, I am feeling that maybe not only is he feeling pressured about what I told him two weeks ago, but now he is thinking that I have too much drama in my life and that he does not want to have anything more to do with me.

I miss him soooo much. I have been strong and I have not tried to contact him since that time. But, I feel the need to contact him, to discuss and/explain the feelings that I have at this moment. I just want what we had just a couple of weeks ago. I don't know what went wrong. I feel that everything that I have done so far has caused him to withdraw.

I want to ask him what is going on with us right now. By his actions, his suggestions up until this point, I thought that he was falling in love as well. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should continue with no contact or if I should bring the subject to the surface. I just feel the need for answers as to why he has suddenly changed from calling me everyday to calling me only once per week. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose myself either. This is the saddest point in our relationship after 13 months. If we had argued, at least I would know there was a specific reason. However, he was so sweet and nice, it just does not make sense. Part of me says that I should not contact him, while the other part wants to get answers from him.

Some of my friends say that I should break up with him. Other people say that I should just wait it out. I know I don't deserve to be treated in this way, that I deserve to know what is going on. If it was just one week, I could explain away the fact that it was a busy week. But now we are entering into the second week with the same treatment. I know that all people are different and there are no answers to why someone acts in a certain way. I am mad and getting more pissed by the minute. All I did was open up and show my heart. I shared with him the situation with my ex in the same way that I shared with my friends. I just vented. However, does he think that I have too much baggage and he wants to bow out? No one but he knows what is going on in his head.

I miss him so much and I just want answers.

Mom of 2, I am so sorry you are going through this. It tears my heart out for you and wants me to kick butt and take names later with this guy. Great level headed person aren't I??? LOL

As badly as you want and need answers either for reconciliation or closure, I have to say at this point Sweets, you have handled yourself well, given him space, learned patience, and have learned that loving hurts, not just first time around but other times also and it is a part of life.

My advice, and it is almost 2:00 a.m., so take it for what it is worth, is to conduct yourself as if he has left. Pick up your life, plan your days and make a life without him. If he is going through something but yet still loves you, he will return and explain. Most men do not want or are not comfortable with confrontation on relationships, whereas we women, tend to want an A to Z account as to what happened and how can we fix it.

Steps to try to take:

Do not blame yourself that you expressed what was in your heart. You are a remarkable women with such a loving and giving heart.

Know you have reached out to him several times with little in return this past week or two. So you have not shut him out but kept reaching out to him. Stop the calls and texting to give him time to sort out any issues he might be having.

Go out with friends and laugh even if you don't feel like laughing.

If you are sitting by the computer, waiting for a note, move away and begin a project.

If sitting by a phone or have your phone with you, put it in another room out of sight.

Cry your heart out when you need to, the dry those tears and put on lipstick, a fun hat, favorite perfume or whatever makes you feel happy or good about yourself and take the kids out for a treat.

If he does not come back around or explain, then you would not have wanted him to be a permanent part of your life with the children.

Fill your time with activities for a time to break the pattern you were in when he was calling or texting or e-mailing everyday or evening. Later, as your emotions begin to settle, then you can get back in slower pace and just find your comfort zone again.

Don't borrow trouble. Believe in yourself! Look forward, not backward.

If this is meant to work out, it will. If not, then you are already on your way to recovery and can know in your heart, you put your best foot forward. Feel good about who you are and what you have to bring to a relationship. Don't apologize for loving or voicing love. One of my favorite quotes is:

"LOVE UNEXPRESSED IS LOVE UNKNOWN!"


Time is your best friend right now. You hang in there and keep us posted. Know you are not alone, even thgough at times it feels that way. We are here for you and if things don't work out, just know this was a step of learning and loving, preparing you for a deeper love in the future, one that will be returned and voiced and meet your emotional needs. I will check back tomorrow. Eyes are blurring at the present time. Please forgive type-o's! Stay strong in your resolve not to contact him, unless you have some indication that you are suppose to. Try to recognize the difference between gentle leading in your spirit to do something and panic feeling like you have to do this right now. If it is the second, wait.

Relax Mom, what's happening is NORMAL in a relationship. All couples come to that glitch, or bump in the road, and yes its very emotional because it makes you assume, and presume, there is something wrong, and it drives you wacko.

This is where you keep a cool head, and MAKE SOME ADJUSTMENTS to this changing schedule. Not hard, just back up some, and don't be impulsive because of your feelings right now.

Changes does that to us humans. You thought, and got use to the way things were, but now that its changed, you change too, as your getting his side of the way he is. Pay attention, adjust, and relax.

This is where I tell you to balance your own life, where you don't have to call him over, and over, and expect him to drop what he is doing to reassure you.

That's when relationships get very uneven, and unfair, and resentments creep into things. You avoid it by making adjustment to your contact schedule, by giving him time, and space to get back with you, in his time, without resentments that change and assumptions are bringing you.

Relax
Do your own thing,
And let him do his,
And he will call when he misses you.

If he takes to long, don't be mad, but find out why. You can then be cool, calm, and honest in what you expect, and go from there. Pay attention, as this is a true test of can you work together to resolve your issues.

You both have to learn to adjust to each other. That's why you never give up your life, nor wrap your schedule around another. Its to easy to get into a routine, and you see first hand what that does, when the routine changes suddenly. So don't do it.

Be flexible and don't get carried away, your about to see how life gets in the way of all our plans, and learn to cope with it in a positive way.

This is only a healthy dose of reality for you to deal with. Don't trip.

Some of you may be mad about what I did next, but I felt I needed to bring the subject to the surface instead of walking on eggshells.

I sent him an email early in the morning on Friday. In a nutshell I said:

"Things have been different between us and I don't know why... If you want to call it quits, I'm a big girl and I will get over it... I don't want to make a big issue over this, but I have a right to know what is going on."

He said that we need to talk and that he is getting torn in all directions and that we need to slow way down. When he heard me say that I loved him, this made him think and he came to the conclusion that he is not looking for that kind of relationship right now. He said that he would call me, "maybe" this weekend.

At least I got an answer. It may not be the answer that I wanted to hear, but it was an answer none the less. Part of me wants to blow him off, the other part wants to hear what he has to say.

I just feel totally confused, because I was following his lead - I just said those words.

I am resigned to the fact that it has ended. I will still hear what he has to say, but I don't really see any other way around it. Am I hurt, HECK YEAH, but life goes on. I am too special of a person for me not to deserve more respect. I thought for sure that is what I had. Now maybe I don't.

The ball is in his court. No matter what the urge, I promise, promise, promise and promise that I won't contact him. He needs to call me. He at least owes me that much.

Dear Sweet Mom of 2, no one here would ever be mad or upset over how you chose to handle this at any stage. We are all in our own situations and we must, just as you did, make our own choices as to handle what comes up. We are here as a support system Little One, we give our opinions and offer advice as we see it, but this is your life. It sounds like if you had not addressed it, you would still be waiting and not knowing. You did just fine. I think you are right in choosing to be resigned that it is over. He may think it over and realize he was just running scared but in the event, this is not what he is wanting, you are well on your way or will be, to resolve in your heart. It will be good for you to just leave it in his court so to speak, as far as getting in touch with you. He pretty much has said what he has to say.....it will just be the final goodbye to give closure (unless he has thought through some stuff and at that point then , the ball will be in your court to decide if you would even want to continue with him). By him saying he will call you "maybe" this weekend leaves you hanging, but just get through the weekend. If he calls, great, talk, make decisions, if not, then I think your path is fairly clear but there is always other paths in this life just when we think we have it figured out, that appear and then another choice has to be made. Life is full of change.

I leave you with a thought:

"Transition is not because something is wrong.
Transition is because something is over."

If this relationship has come to an end, it at the least has been a great journey of discovery.

Heartache comes but it lessens in time. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. I have learned much from you as you have shared great insights You are a special lady.

(If I would be upset with anyone it would be him for not having the courage to get in touch with you earlier and put your mind at rest as to what was/is going on in his mind and heart. Perhaps this is the best he could do. But you deserve to be shown more respect than he has shown over this.)

No one will be upset here with you as I said and we will be here for as long as you need to share or want to share.

Do you remember me saying this is normal! Take it to heart, as all relationships hit that conflict period where we question, and second guess actions, and words by our partners. I suspect he is trying to slow things down, to see and understand what's going on, so no need to push.

Back off and give him the room to figure it out, and express himself.

Actually you should see this as a good thing as your coping skills and conflict resolution is being tested, thats a good thing as strong relationships are defined by conflict and how partners resolve it.

Knowing how to let the emotional dust settle, before you draw conclusions, is your challenge. Relax dear, never make decisions without talking to your partner and listen to what he is saying.

I have been asking you through out this thread what's your hurry?

I am not in a hurry. I guess my problem is that I thought that I should say it. This subject came up recently between my girlfriends. Even though I told them that I was very comfortable with how my relationship was going, that I loved spending time with him, learning more about him, etc. I never said those words. They were amazed and kept telling me that I acted like I did and that I should tell him. They thought that I should tell him because they felt that he loved me as well and that he was probably waiting for me to say it first. However, that is not how it turned out. Now I feel that these words have forever jinxed the relationship. Most people that I speak to say that I should just end it. However, why? I am not in any hurry for it to get more serious. I mean, I think that we are already exclusive, he calls me his girlfriend (was the first one to say that, not me). I think he may think that I want to get engaged, get married, etc. However, that is not what I want. At this point in time, I just want what we had a couple of weeks ago. The thought of marriage scares me to death. I may NEVER to be ready for that. I just want to continue the relationship as we were doing. I know that both of us care about each other and that words were said by one side and not the other. I don't want to lose him. I don't want the relationship to progress any further than it is going at this moment because I could not handle anything more at this point. I just want to continue to enjoy his company, spend time together. Really, what are the next steps? I mean, I don't know what I want, even though I was the one who said the words. To me, they are just words and does not mean that I need to hear those words back or that I want the relationship to change. I consider myself to still be young. My focus of my life is on my kids, to make sure that they get through school - and I'm thinking maybe all the way through college - before I would want to even consider getting remarried. I mean, the important thing is that people enjoy their company together and that should be it. Why would I want to complicate that? I think that I was listening too much to my girlfriends because they thought that it was odd that I never uttered those words before. Finally, I decided okay, I must love him, so I am going to tell him.

So now this is where we are at. I don't want to lose him.

You scared the poor guy!! But he will live! Men are not mind readers, and I suspect when you said you loved him, it freaked him out a bit, that's why its important to let the emotional dust settle, and then you can tell him what you have just told us here. I think he was concerned you wanted more than he was ready for and freaked, that's all.

Hey us guys are not complicated, and we spook easily, but I think you guys are on pretty much the same page, but just don't know it yet.

The not seeing each other brings its own stress and insecurity, so just muddle through it, the way we all do, and it will work out.

A year is still strangers learning each other, don't forget that.

Need a hug don't you?

Talaniman, as always, you know exactly what I mean. I DO need a hug.

I'm just going to focus on myself and my kids. My main concern now is focusing on my kids and what they need, doing my work at my job and potentially finding a new job so that I can better my personal financial situation. I am fortunate that I have friends and family by my side to help soften the blows of this.

I of course am not going to contact him. Surprisingly, I really don't have the urge to do so - yeah, that even shocked me. This is the first day that I have really felt this way.

I miss him, but I know I can get through this. A part of me is relieved that I was able to find out what I have found out. Now I know more about what I am dealing with.

I'm not the first person to be in this situation and I know that I won't be the last.

Us guys may appear tough on the outside, but you have to look inside to see who we are.

Hugs around.

I'm up early this morning to prepare for the week, etc. I actually went to bed early (9 p.m.), and that is probably another reason why I got up so early.

At any rate, he did not call this weekend. Based on how he replied with "maybe", I really did not think that he would. I mean, if he did, that would almost mean that I was calling the shots and he did not want to be told what to do. As immature as that may seem, I can understand that. Even I have done that in the past, and I consider myself to be a mature person. No matter how mature you are, games still exist to some extent in all relationships. This one is no exception.

I spent the weekend with my kids, friends and family. I purposely put my phone where I could not hear it and where it was not near my hand so that I would not be tempted to check it every 5 minutes. However, as soon as I picked it up, I did check right away to see if he called, which he did not.

I have a busy week this week, so at least my mind will be active. I know that I will get through whatever is presented to me. If he wants to continue our relationship but at a much slower pace (I personally don't know how much slower it can get, as we only really see each other once every two weeks) or if he wants to call it quits. I personally thinks that he wants to put us on hold, as I already gave him the easy way out to call it quits in my email. But, instead, he took more time in his reply by saying that we needed to talk, that we needed to slow things way down and that he did not want to explain anything in an email and that he would call me. Because of this last sentence, I really think that he will call, but it is a matter of time, when HE feels that he is ready.

So, I will continue to focus on myself and my kids.

I feel for you in this situation. What seemed to be on a great path, he has now veered completely off.

How are you handling the idea of "slowing things way down" when you have already been at a tortoise pace?

I know that you are under the perception that you wouldn't find love again after your ex and this relationship filled that void and proved that you were wrong. In my opinion I think that your best bet to saving this relationship is to be willing to say good-bye, not take a slower route. Give him time to realize how important you are to him and how he really feels about you.

It's clear that he really cares about you, I would say it is clear that he loves you with the fact of how the holidays went, but he is just scared and reacting scared now, but that doesn't make it right for him to run away.

Just think I will wait until you have your talk with him.

I just got an email from him. He said, "Sorry I didn't call this weekend as I was sick. I will call tonight". I know that he has been fighting a cold off and on and he seems to always get sick after traveling (plane air, etc.)so I have to believe him, BUT part of me does not. Can't really go there though because I have no proof that he is not telling the truth. If he is just using that as an excuse, he is going to have to live with that one. I am proud to say that I did not respond back, which is what I normally would do. Call it giving him a taste of his own medicine, but I feel that I need to flip the script on him somewhat. He told me that he would call, so that is what I am waiting for him to do. After all, the ball is in his court. I'm giving him the space that he says that he needs. Just following his directions. He needs to understand that I cannot be at his beck and call, especially if he thinks that we need to slow way down.

If he calls tonight, GREAT!! Then I will listen to what he has to say, say what I need to say and then make a decision on what to do. I can't speculate, but I am really hoping for the best (kind of nervous at the same time). I do think that he is scared. I don't think that he is necessarily running away, as if he was, he would never have responded to me at all. I was VERY surprised to see an email from him today. Wasn't ready for that one!!

To answer your question regarding my thoughts on taking it slower, especially since we are taking it slow as it is - or at least I thought we were - I am in no rush (right Tal?). So, if it means toning it down and making him realize that I really do not depend on him for happiness, it may turn out to be a good thing. It may turn out to be a good thing for me in that I will get out of the pattern a little bit. I am looking at this as an opportunity to really see if there is a future for us, to see if we can work through this and to see if we want to continue. If he wanted out and was running away, I have to believe that he would have said that and would not have even attempted to contact me at all.

Ironically, I have some tentative plans for this Sunday for the Superbowl. I was originally going to blow it off, or at least just stop by for an hour and then meet up with him afterwards - or at least I thought that I was going to do that, as that happens to be the Sunday that we would normally get together. However, under the circumstances, this might be a good thing that I have other plans. Like people have said on this thread and on many others, he's got to miss me before he is able to see if the relationship is worth it to him. I don't have control over that - I only have control over myself. The one thing that I have learned from this relationship and from the other dating situations since my divorce (more like small flings) is that I deserve to be loved and appreciated. If I put my heart out there, it may get broken again. However, that is the risk that I am going to take, as I can't continue to be running scared and not at least try. If I get hurt, well, then I pick up the pieces again and start anew. If it means that I may never find someone to be with, well thems the breaks. At least I tried.

I can't believe how cheerful I am about all of this. I haven't really cried about it. Call it a hardening of the heart - I don't know. Call it a defense mechanism - I still don't know. I just know that I only have control over one half of the situation, which is my decision and response. Although at this point I would like to continue to be with him because I feel that he is worth it, I don't know what he is really thinking or what he is going to say. So, I can't decide what I am going to do at this time. Won't know about that until he calls me tonight (if he calls me tonight).

I can tell you one thing, though. If he DOES NOT call tonight, I have decided that I will not contact him again. If he wants to be in contact, then he is going to have to make the effort.

You did a mistake once and now you have the second chance, you have to take chance to win BUT your first mistake cost a lot especially for your kids (family brake up) so in the second time be more carefully give time for yourself and try to know him better, because giving a father figure and take away again is cause pain for your kids not to mention the message ….. I guess you would like to see your grandkid grow up in one family with dad and mom, so don't teach your kid that it's OK to take one person to try it out than if not working the next comes (in this way you will loss respect from them to ) Good luck you need to be happy give a try, give time for yourself and don't rush.

I If he wanted out and was running away, I have to believe that he would have said that and would not have even attempted to contact me at all.
I regret to inform you that people who want to withdraw from a relationship often feel guilty about doing it, especially if they don't have a "good reason". This guilt may lead them to do and say some really silly and convoluted things on their way out the door. Not saying he's necessarily wanting to end it completely, just that his continuing apparent need to explain himself isn't sufficient to conclude that he really wants to work through this to resolution.

When he does finally get around to explaining himself, let him do most of the talking. The more attentively you listen and the less you say early in the conversation, the more you'll learn of his real anxieties and misgivings. If he tries to do a snow job, you're better off letting it pile up for a bit before you get out your shovel.

I'm thinking everybody has 10 good and 10 wrong side you just has to figure out if you can live with his 10 bad. Nobody is perfect. You have to learn to listen to your own feeling it will tell you if he is the Wright guy or not. You have to wait until the first love is gone than you see him without the clouds than you have to make a decision if you can respect and love him with his bad side or not. All the relationship has to have compromise and that's the time when most of the couple arguing. Without compromise from both side no good relationship exist. One more thing I grow up with a step dad and I have step kids they don't have a step dad they live with the mom, and trust me they needed I stepdad one person even she is the best mom can't do two (mom / dad) person job. I did-t liked my stepfather he was to strict to us and my mom never went against his will (that how I saw as a child) now they both died I understood them perfectly I love them both deeply and I know I am a better person because I had my stepfather. I needed a strong hand to coordinate me I was a bad child. And I did not understudy why my father did what he did... And I blamed everybody but him... the point try to fined your good soul mate but if you choose don't give up easily try to give your kid a family these days most of the kids are growing up with divorce family and they think that's normal they give up to easy because that's what they see and learn. I have a family and now I see the difference between my step children and my own I feel sorry for all the kids whom grow up without a family that can be stepdad stepmom or biological parent its hard for the kids and for the adults. It would be a better word if everybody would grow up with a family of course if is no abuse (that's different)

Finally had the conversation with him. Yes, I am ready to hear from all of you and I am sure that I will be getting an earful!!

The conversation started with him asking how my day was, how the kids were doing, you know, the usual. Then, there was a moment of silence, as I was waiting for him to say something. He started with, "Well, I don't know where to start." I then just asked, "What is your perception of what I want in this relationship?" He could not answer that, which I was not surprised, but it allowed me to tell him that all I want was to continue to live in the moment, take one day at a time, enjoy time with him, etc. He continued by saying that he thought that our relationship was going a little bit fast, especially after hearing the word "love". He did admit that he had a big part in the progression with each of us meeting our families and kids, the daily phone calls, etc. He was scared that I was wanting to progress the relationship to a stronger comittment of engagement/marriage/moving in together. His rationale: He has just been divorced for 3 years and he was married for 15 years before that and he is still gun shy.

He also added that he has had to travel more for his job, that things are not getting done when he is not at home (laundry, etc.) and that his daughter went from being an A/B student down to a C student. He had a long talk with her about that last night and he is not happy with her. He thinks that this is mostly because of her just getting her license, having a job 3 nights a week and then her increased social life and he needs to pull in the reigns. He is also nervous about her going to college in 1 1/2 years (saving for it, etc.) and that is why he is starting to freak out about a lot of stuff. I then added, "Well, I certainly don't want to add to that pressure, " to which he immediately added, "No, you're not". Hmmmm. I thought that the entire reason for the conversation was that he was feeling pressure. Maybe he was having a Calgon moment, that everything seemed overwhelming at the moment and he just needed to yell stop at everything.

All in all, he said he just wanted to make sure that I did not have plans on taking our relationship to the next step right now because he is not ready for that yet. Right after he said that, he said, "We can see where we are at in a year, but not right now." He wants to still continue to see me, do things together, talk on the phone, etc. I told him that the last thing that I wanted to consider at this time was anything more than what we have at this time. I want to be able to raise my kids on my own, get them through school before I would even consider doing anything more. I told him that I also like spending time with him and that I wanted to continue to do so. I did say that I do have strong feelings for him, that I did love him for the person that he is, but that I do acknowledge that there is a difference between love and being IN love and that I knew that I was not there yet, we did not know each other well enough for that to happen for me. He then said that he was so glad that we had this conversation because he was worried that he was going to have to let me go because he could not give me what he thought I wanted and needed at this time. He asked me what I was doing this weekend. I mentioned that I of course had to work on Friday and Saturday and that Sunday I had a get together to go to. He was suddenly curious about that, saying "Ohhhh? Who are you going with? What is it for?" I mentioned that it was with friends from works , that it was not starting until after 1 and that I did not know if we would be able to get together on Sunday after all. He then said, "Well, I'll call you before this weekend and we can figure things out." Hmmmm

So, we will have to see what pans out in the next few weeks.

The only thing that I did not specifically address with him was whether we were going to be seeing other people, just seeing each other and taking it slow or exactly what is going on. I have been approached by men in the recent past, asking if I wanted to have dinner with them, etc. However, I always said that I was in a relationship and even though they tried to convince me that it was just for dinner, casual and nothing more, I did not feel comfortable about it. Maybe I should consider the possibility of going out on casual dates with other guys BUT I need to discuss this with him before I do anything like this. I think this will also shed a lot of light on how he truly feels, depending upon what his answer is and how he answers it. My manager at the restaurant where I work said that regardless of whether I was ever approached by another guy, I should say that I have been asked out, that I am interested and that I am going out on a date with someone else. To me, that is not healthy communication and is so unfair and emotionally abusive to the other person. Something that I am not comfortable with at all. If the offer is legit, then I will have to address it at that time. I honestly think that he was scared by the word love and he panicked. Now, I am going to take a step back, take a deep breath, really assess all that I want and take one day at a time. I hope that he is in my life in the future, but I can only deal with the things that I can control. I can't control him, I can only control myself.

What is my focus? Me and my kids. I will allow him to pursue me. I am going to start that with baby steps. For the rest of the week, I will not email him, text him or call him. If there is going to be contact between us, it will need to come from him. It is going to be tough, but it is something that I am going to have to do. I might even let his call go into vm. I think that Tal gave the advice that you need to allow someone to be able to miss you before they can see that they want you in their lives.

Only time will tell what will happen. I am looking at this as a good thing. He is a little scared, and so am I. The best thing about this relationship is that I don't have to worry that he is demanding a lot of time from me, or forcing me to make any decisions about my kids (uprooting them, etc.). If I were to uproot them and take them to another school district, I might lose custody of my kids because I am taking them out of their comfort zone, and NOTHING is worth it for me to lose my kids - Not EVEN HIM. My kids will only be young for a short period and I have the rest of my life to do what I want with the rest of it.

Am I happy? Yes, for the most part. Am I sad? A little. I am happy that we did not completely end the relationship. I am sad because we are taking a couple of steps back. In every situation, I always try to look at the good things. We are still together and will still continue to see each other. Once he realizes and truly sees that I don't want to pressure him into something that he is not comfortable with, I think that he will relax. He did seem to be more relaxed at the end of the phone call, so that's a good thing.

This is a glitch, not a relationship breaking event. The good things about these glitches, is you get on the same page through honest communications. You talk, and listen. So now you know you scared him, LOL, and you both got a chance to bring some clarity into this.

The best thing is you know why your both slowing this train down. You make adjustments and go on. Any chance to talk about reality and how you see things is good, because I believe the honeymoon is over, and the work, the real work, is starting.

No outside dating. The worst thing you can do now, as you both have families, and each other. You make sure you tell him that. Now that's a potential relationship breaking event, so no games at this point.

You both have been married so you both know for fact that life gets in the way sometimes, and it has to be dealt with, so your about to see how you both work together, and see about the bonding, and the developing, it takes to make things happen.

I'm glad you think it is a glitch. I also don't think that it is much more than that. I think that he is stressing out about a lot of things. Maybe he was thinking that he was starting to lose himself because he felt the need to call me every night.

No, I don't want to date other people. I just never had the ability to see more than one person at the same time, unless it was just "friendship" dating and trying to see which one I liked the most. But, when I have feelings for someone, it makes it nearly impossible for me to spend any time with someone else in the dating sense.

I would like to see him this weekend (Sunday) and I hope that we can. Like I said, he said he was going to call before the weekend and we could talk about our plans.

But, all that I can do right now is to take one day at a time, not contact him and just wait for the weekend. I miss him, but I don't want to scare him off again. After all, the last time that I saw him was on 1/4. A part of me feels like I'm dying inside, but I know that I can handle this - I have to. I don't know why I am feeling this way, but I am still not 100% sure what all of this slowing down really means. Is he losing interest? Will he lose interest? Only time will tell.

You both need time to process, and adjust, to the changes that life has thrown at you. It's a time to think, nothing more, and this is where you both work together to define what you have, and find the boundaries, and limits, that you can adhere to as you move forward.

No, the interest in each other is not lost, but changes, as you recognize the other things in life that's going on, and the balance needed to attend to them.

I have always said that the balance in your life is essential for you to be happy, so you can share that happiness. Many make the partner that focus, and trust me thats a disaster in the long run.

In other words, do something good for yourself, and your kids, and hopefully there will be time for some fun with him this weekend.

Nothing wrong with him chasing you a little.

Absolutely!! Thank you. I do want him to chase me again. I just miss him so much since we did not see each other during our last weekend. On the otherhand, I also don't want to pressure it because I don't want him to think that I did not listen to a word that he said and that I am just taking it up where we left it 3 weeks ago. I personally would like that, but I don't think that he wants to necessarily do that. I think that I am anxious to see his body language and everything when we are by each other. Then I will be better able to assess everything. Although we got a lot of things discussed, I believe that we were both guarded. Also, it is soooo hard to assess anything over the phone. All that I know is that it was of course the longest conversation that we have had in a long time (almost an hour), as our phone calls were only about 10-15 minutes long at the most before.

Okay, okay. I will stop worrying. I will stop obsessing. I just don't want to appear over eager to scare him off, but I miss him so much.

Relax, and see what he brings to the emotional table.

My wife told me years ago, that I better be able to do something besides take out the garbage, when she nags me. ( Still working on it though )

I can not say anything else, talaniman"" said everything. ,,You talk, and listen. So now you know you scared him, No outside dating You both have been married so you both know for fact that life gets in the way sometimes, and it has to be dealt with "" that's says all. I guess your just to unsure in yourself and no patient at all. You have kids so your busy with them and you should just have fun with your kids and when ever he and you can get together don't push him. After a few years if you smart he will miss you more and more and if he likes you how he says he will be the one whom will do the next stamp. If you start going out ,,just with friend" you will loose him. Call him an listen he needs your advise talk on the phone as much as possible (no pushing either) and one day he will realize that he wants you more and more. Having a men is easy keeping him is the hard part :0)

As usual, you are using good judgment and great restraint. Healthy communication is key. You are making yet another good decision in not saying to your guy that someone has asked you out and you are going. That would be death to the relationship I believe. If one has to play games, then it comes to how many games do I have to play to keep you interested but you are wise enough regarding relationships to know this.

If he asks, I see nothing wrong in telling him that yes you have been asked out but said no. But I wouldn't bring it up at this point. Sometimes all of us take the other for granted and sometimes knowing others might be interested in the person one cares about makes a person take a step back and realize they could lose that person if they don't tend to the relationship. But you are right, "Time will tell". You will know in your heart and make good decisions at that time.

Relax, and see what he brings to the emotional table.

My wife told me years ago, that I better be able to do something besides take out the garbage, when she nags me. ( Still working on it though )

Tal, that was great! LOL Reminds me of all the times when my husband and myself have had issues, he would take out the garbage, wash the dishes, vacuum, ask me if I needed anything from the store... so busy, that guy!! But only when he opened up and talked could we resolve the issues at hand. Oh that was great Tal. :p

Thanks rebbie, okay I'll take out the trash for gosh sakes, but seriously we couldn't really move forward without some input from us both, and trust me, we worked darn hard to learn each others languages and how to express ourselves to each other.

I still don't do windows doggonnit, but I will hold the ladder, while she does. Sponge any one??

Just wanted to let you guys know I think I'm doing okay. I have not contacted him again since our talk. Every once in a while, I feel like doing that, just to say hi. BUT, I know that is not wise at this point.

I know that I have no way of knowing exactly what he is thinking. I hope that he is missing me and that he will soon realize that we had something really good going. Again, I find it hard to believe that he did not at least enjoy what we had. Yeah, he got scared, but why can't we just enjoy the moment we are in and not worry about anything else?

Only time will tell what will happen next. He said that he would call me before this weekend. I hope that he does call, but I'm scared that maybe he won't. I am using a lot of restraint not to contact him in any way. Sometimes that is easy, sometimes it's not. I just don't want him to forget about me. Then again, I don't want him to think that I wasn't listening either. Man, this NC stuff is harder than I thought. I know what I need to do, but that does not necessarily make it easier to do.

I wish that I knew the answers OR I wish that you guys could give me guarantees. Both are not possible. Does anyone have a crystal ball out there? Any psychic abilities?

So, here I am justing waiting and waiting. In my gut, I know that he will call. Hopefully my next post will be letting you know that he did call.

You doing well if he won't call that's meant to be, if he will call you don't let him know how much you missed him just be natural have a nice, lovely talk make jokes talk something about what both of you enjoy. Don't talk about the feelings (that's can wait) just try to have fun. Just be the cool girl. You can catch a person if your funny and not all the time the blablabla problem, how I feel how you feel , scared, miss you things. Than if he calls and you have a nice chit-chat you can call him back don't wait all the time for him but avoid the serious talk just have fun. It's best for him and you in this point. Of course how time goes by things change, you can't be there for him if he wants, when he wants but that's later on now just have lots of lots of fun when you talk to him or you are with him. Let him have a good time than he going to miss you more and more..

Yes, I am just going to wait for him to call. Can't do anything more than that to make a decision on next steps. I don't know for certain if he is stringing me along because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

However, depending on the outcome of the next few weeks, I may eventually decide to call it quits. No, I'm not looking for more than just spending time with him, getting to know him and building a stronger relationship with him. I'm in no place to look for more than that while my kids are still young, whether it is with him or someone else. However, I deserve more than just be placed on hold, questioning what is going on next. No, I don't want to say goodbye to him right now, but if this holding pattern and constant questioning what is going on continues for more than 3 months, I will have no other choice but to say that it was a pleasure getting to know you, but I can't be suspended like this forever. I have more self respect.

If that is what happens, I will use this as a lesson to learn from. I feel bad that my children were involved in the little way that they were, but I thought that I was doing the right thing. Will this make me think twice about doing that again? Heck yeah. IF this relationship totally ends and I find myself in another relationship, I WILL NOT introduce my kids to the other person for a LONG, LONG time. Yeah, I'm hurt and angry. These are my thoughts at this moment, but they could change in the next couple of weeks, depending on what actually occurs. I'm not in a position to make any brash decisions at this juncture. Am I hopeful? Yes, I am and I really want this to work. However, I need to consider the possibilities that this may not work out.

Just venting.

Great vent, and healthy also. Sometimes its good to step back, gather the facts, and re-evaluate the situation. That's good I think, and keeps things in perspective.



But if this holding pattern and constant questioning what is going on continues for more than 3 months,


Thats 2 and a half months to long!! Let me be honest, and maybe a bit harsh, but stuff happens! After a year, you don't just stop talking or caring. You don't just run from fear, you talk and listen to resolve your issues, and honestly, someone who can't do that doesn't really deserve your time.

Maybe the relationship moved to fast for his poor little head, but he was a part of it, and you need to know, its a red flag as to the way he resolves his issues, and he has done it before hasn't he??

You're absolutely right. I am just going to wait for this weekend, see what happens if anything. Maybe wait until the end of Feb and then make my final decision and discuss it with him. I will explain to him that although I was not looking for something real serious at this time (marriage, etc.) I still think that we had something good going and we were growing together. If he just wants to be friends, then fine. I can talk to him, etc. but I can't continue being in a relationship with benefits. Can't and won't go there. However, I'm going to wait until the emotional dust settles in the next couple of weekends and then make baby step decisions.

Thanks for the feedback. Needed it!!

And a hug of support for you also!:):D

Good luck!! :)

I would suggest to you to take your time. I'm with a guy who doesn't agree on any of the kids issues at all and it is constant, arguments.

Yes, I am just going to wait for him to call. Can't do anything more than that to make a decision on next steps. I don't know for certain if he is stringing me along because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

However, depending on the outcome of the next few weeks, I may eventually decide to call it quits. No, I'm not looking for more than just spending time with him, getting to know him and building a stronger relationship with him. I'm in no place to look for more than that while my kids are still young, whether it is with him or someone else. However, I deserve more than just be placed on hold, questioning what is going on next. No, I don't want to say goodbye to him right now, but if this holding pattern and constant questioning what is going on continues for more than 3 months, I will have no other choice but to say that it was a pleasure getting to know you, but I can't be suspended like this forever. I have more self respect.

If that is what happens, I will use this as a lesson to learn from. I feel bad that my children were involved in the little way that they were, but I thought that I was doing the right thing. Will this make me think twice about doing that again? Heck yeah. IF this relationship totally ends and I find myself in another relationship, I WILL NOT introduce my kids to the other person for a LONG, LONG time. Yeah, I'm hurt and angry. These are my thoughts at this moment, but they could change in the next couple of weeks, depending on what actually occurs. I'm not in a position to make any brash decisions at this juncture. Am I hopeful? Yes, I am and I really want this to work. However, I need to consider the possibilities that this may not work out.

Just venting.

I am so glad to finally read you are feeling and expressing some anger and beginning to realize your worth a bit more. Girl, you have been so balanced through all of this, I was beginning to think I was way out of kilter!! LOL :p Expressing anger and hurt is healthy and you have a safe forum here in which to get some of that out which will help you in the long run as you continue to see this thing through. We are all still with you and will continue to be!

Update. On Friday, I received a funny email from one of my friends. It had me in stictches and it was one of those emails that I would have forwarded to him without hesitation if things weren't what they are, which is limbo. I initially thought "Oh I should send this to him, he would get a kick out of it." But I hesitated for a second, saying, "I can't, don't want to bother him - giving him space". I also wanted to stick to my guns and not contact him for any reason until he contacted me. But, I caved and said, "Hey, why am I scared? It is just a joke email and nothing more than that." So, I forwarded it to him, without any kind of note, which is what I would have normally done. In the past, he would send me an email back commenting on it and saying "too funny", etc. However, he never commented on it. He apparently avoided it and chose not to respond. I have to admit that it hurt. Since Tuesday, there has been no contact what so ever. He said that he would call me by this weekend. It is now Sunday right before 11 a.m. and I have a feeling that he is not going to contact me at all. I have a feeling that he does not wish to continue with anything, that his comment on wanting to continue with a very slowed down version of what we were was his way of letting me down nicely and he will continue to avoid me.

What hurts is that I thought that he had SOME feelings for me. Now as I glance back, it is apparent that maybe I was not as special to him as he had indicated in the limited words that he used or the actions that he portrayed. I mean, there were quite a few instances where it was apparent that he went out of his way to be with me and to share special moments with me. Was this all an act? OR is this just avoidance until he can figure out what he wants? I thought that he had such a caring nature. From his phone call on Tuesday, he told me that he still wanted to spend time with me, continue with our phone conversations (but just not every night) and just take it more slowly.

Why can't he give me the respect that I deserve and be straight up and honest with me about what we are or aren't? I asked him if he wanted to call it quits and move on, but he said that he enjoyed the moments that we had and that he felt very fortunate to have met me, etc, but he needs to focus on his job and kids at the moment and then take us more slowly.

I have spoken to so many of my family and friends. A lot of people are telling me to block and walk. Other people are saying give it time and don't rush into any decisions that I may come to regret. These are the people who have seen us together and who have witnessed that yes, he does have feelings and that his actions did speak volumes. The continue to tell me give him space and time to realize that I am worth the effort. You just don't spend time with a person for this length of time and not have ANY strong feelings for them. Maybe I am listening to those people who are saying what I want to hear, that there is still enough there for us to build on, that maybe over time he will realize that I am worth it.

But, I don't want to lose myself again. I don't want to put my feelings on hold and have them shoved away because he is scared. What is that? Scared of what? We are all scared!! Why can't we just live in the moment and enjoy those moments? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why was he speaking about future things? I am just having a harder time with this than I thought I would. I am about to cave in again and call him, wanting to ask him more clear cut questions so that I understand more of what is going on. Oh, conundrum!!

Take the kids for a Sunday treat, and leave him alone. You sent a joke, so what, if he doesn't responds right away or not at all?

Talaniman Rule-put more fun, and less worry in your life.

Talaniman says-Build a life that you enjoy, that makes you happy.

Thats your focus, YOU, not HIM.

Any man worth his salt is getting ready for the big game, and BSing with the boys, not on female concerns, not even taking out the garbage is important!

I am about to cave in again and call him, wanting to ask him more clear cut questions so that I understand more of what is going on. Oh, conundrum!!!!

NOOOooooo!! Don't call him. You may never understand "what is going on". He may not understand it himself, or he may not be willing to share the understanding that he has. What's going on in his head is for him to reveal, or not. Ultimately, the reason(s) why he's pulling back is irrelevant. That's his business, not yours. All you have to know is that he IS pulling back. Consider it an opportunity to turn your attention to friends and family members that you enjoy, but may have been slighting because you were devoting so much attention to him. Think of it as rebalancing your emotiional portfolio.

Scared and busy and and lots of excuse but what can he say about keeping promises? If he said that he will call you and he did not... action talks. You are the only one whom knows the best what's going on, listen to yourself! If you feel that he is just playing with you take a walk your nobody toy. Learn from your past and use for the future. Don't think about him anymore live your life if he comes again be smart and live for the moment if you feel like it, life is short, enjoy what you have in the moment, your kids, your life, your fends and lots of other opportunity.

Yeah, I know. All that you are all saying is true. If I chase him, he will feel more pressure and may in fact run the other way. So, I will continue to focus on myself, my kids and stay busy with the things that keep me busy. He said that he will call me later, so he is going to have to do that, not me.

If he was truthful in what he said about wanting to still keep in touch, doing things together in the future, etc. he will have to do it.

By the way, I was asked out by a previous restaurant manager that I had. I'm not attracted to him, so I told him thank you for the offer, but I am not going to run from one relationship into anything else at the moment. He texted me last night saying that if I need anything to give him a call. Everyone that I talk to thinks that I should just jump right back into the dating scene and look for other options/opportunities. Don't want to do that because that is saying that I need someone else to make me feel better. I'm not going down that road. Yeah, the offer stroked my ego, but that is all that it did. Right now, I am not liking men so much.

Okay, I know that no one knows the answer to this, but this is what keeps popping in my mind. I asked him if he wanted to totally end things, but he said that he did not, that he wanted to still be able to do things with me. WHAT does that mean? Why couldn't he just let me go totally? I know that I would have been hurt, but at least I would not be holding onto hope that may not be there. That is the thing that is forever on my mind. Do you think that there is hope? If he doesn't want anything further, why can't he say that?

Maybe he did not let you go because he wasn't sure he was ready or wanted to let you go, by keeping you hanging on then he can make up his mind later. It was a selfish answer but it may have been rooted in the honesty of not knowing what he wanted.

You are going to drive yourself nuts analyzing for answers. At this point from his actions, his lack of respect for your feelings and his neglect I would make the right choice for you and that is to start letting go. You can't let go when you are trying to get answers.

I don't know, you have to think there are to many different personality out there.
It can be that he meant what he said but it can be that he is a person whom says things just to make easy for himself.

I know someone she had lots of boyfriend and she put them out all the same, friendly way"
she talked to them nice but never have time, she don't answer the phone, she is not reachable. than after a while they realize that she don't what to have contact at all with them..
Of course in my mind that is a very un respectful way I think it would be much more respectful if she would be honest ...but we are different.

If you think give him one more week but don't call him if he not calling you than don't even give him a chance to explain. You worth more than being put to hold.

Good luck, and don't forget next time your kids are firs, if you want they respect you when they older don't introduce anybody until you have a serious relationship. You don't want to teach them that is ok to have lots of different relationship you what to teach them that try to find the ,, ONE" and stick with him/her. (auf curse adult life is not that simple but they will learn that lather) When they young they get mix much messaging if the will see you with lots of boyfriend they won't understand the different between the adult word and the teen years and than they will have sex with lots of people because mommy dose the same…kids thinks funny..

If he doesn't want anything further, why can't he say that?
He is busy as you are and giving him the space to make up his mind with out your influence is the way to go. Give yourself some space as the emotional dust is still settling. You may have a clear understanding of your feelings , but he may not.

At least your starting to see him for what he is, just a guy to do things with, but your not on the same page, so take heed to that, and not invest any more into this than he does.

Way too soon to just quit and date others, no matter what you are feeling at this time. Be patient with yourself.

Tal, it sounds as though you think that there is a chance that he may come around, as you said that it is too soon to quit. I was starting to think that everyone was saying that he was already gone from the relationship, pick myself up and totally move on. I feel that I am heading in that direction, as I have heard from others that although he may have feelings for me, they don't think that he is able to give me the love that I need, that it is a lot more than just me and that it lies within his abilities to love anyone and that it really does not have anything to do with what I did/did not do, said/did not say.

Don't get me wrong, there is an inner hope that he will see that what we had was special and that eventually we will be together. But he has to do that, not me. I am willing to take it slower, but I just don't want to be avoided, lied to or misled because he does not want to hurt my feelings. NOTE TO ALL: It is better to set clear boundaries in the beginning so that the lines are clearly marked and there is little if any confusion as to what is meant. DON'T string people along with false hopes that MAYBE things can work out later. Let us know that hey, "I need to have some time by myself to think this out". Don't say that you will call and then don't. Don't say that maybe we will get together on such and such a date and don't. In the end, that is a lot meaner than just saying "Hey, I don't think this is working out. We have to call it quits."

I feel so sorry for you in your situation, Mom. I feel that need to look for any hope to continue holding on, but someone who would blow you off in this manner, do you really want that type of person to reconcile with? Even if he should decide now to come around or call? This is such a painful process and it doesn't sound like you are getting any closer from the other person. I just hope that you realize that he is hurting you, you deserve better than this and you have been nothing but completely honest and sincere and he can't even follow through on a phone call? Have you heard from him yet?

Being far to you both, I think that if a glitch can't be resolved then you back up and let the emotional dust settle, and then look at things with fresh eyes.

Impulsive actions have rarely worked well with me and I know how we get carried away by our own thoughts and feelings, with out the right input from our partners. Thats what I suggest here is back up, and give enough space for you both to think!! If after YOU deem enough time has past, then ask your questions, or take your actions.

Any relationship that's healthy, is about the actions you both take. Just me, for whatever reasons he may have, you deserve better treatment, and respect.

I spoke with him on Sunday. He said that he was traveling to a seminar the first part of this week. Yes, I was the one who called him - Call me stupid, hate me or whatever. I did not bring up anything besides just saying hi and general conversation. He asked me how I was doing, what I had planned for the week, etc. Nothing more was said about our conversation from last Tuesday, although I really wanted to ask a lot of questions. I just let it go and told him to have a great rest of the weekend and he said the same to me.

I know that what I am about to say, a lot of people will see as an inability to move on and that I am looking for and hanging onto anything that may not really mean a thing. But, this is my life and everyone else is on the outside. In my gut, I think that we have a good chance to get back together. If we do, I would have course set up more detailed boundaries - that is all that I am asking for now. When I called, I thought that it might go to vm, which has happened at times when I have been with him when he did not want to talk to a certain person. He would press the button to let it go there. At other times if he answered the phone, he would do so with "Hey, what's going on" in a low key tone. When I called, he did not do this. Instead, he answered it with an excited "Hello!!" I know that he when he does not know what to say, he will avoid it. I feel that is what happened on Tuesday when he said, "I don't know how to start this." That is when I took the lead and told him that I was not searching for a serious commitment at this time, other than spending time together, etc. You all know the story so I am not going to retell it. Been there, done that.

Yes, I am hurting because this is the first time that he has ever not done something that he said he was going to do. That is what is making this soooo confusing. Who knows why he is doing this. However, I am not one to burn bridges and if you or anyone else has not realized up until this point, I am a very understanding person who gives the benefit of the doubt (maybe too much), as I would want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt if I were acting somewhat out of my character.

In my mind at this point, I would rather have him in my life as a friend rather than not to have him in my life at all. I am not a glutton for punishment and I really know my limits. You may wonder why? I want to at least have him as a friend mostly because of my friendship with my girlfriend. I am not willing to give up my friendship with her because of him. I want to be friends, to tie up the loose ends so that there is never going to be a time where there is an uneasiness if we find ourselves within proximity of each other. I also don't want any of this to effect her relationship with her boyfriend, etc.

Part of me actually feels sorry for him that he may have difficulty expressing deep feelings for others. As someone once told me, that is usually a sign that they feel they have inadequacies within themselves, that they are hurting and have not truly moved on. Those are his problems and not mine to solve. But, like I said, I am not one to go off the deep end, issue ultimatums, scream in anger about why I feel misled, etc. If it was meant to be, then it was meant to be. I don't have control over that. Maybe that is why I have a lot of close friendships because people know that they can depend on me to be there. Maybe that is what he is thinking that no matter what he does, I will be there. I don't want to be a doormat, but at the very least I can be there to at least listen to him. Life will go on one way or another. I just want everyone to know that if he continues to treat me this way for the long haul and it does not progress any further, I will realize that there is no chance for a romantic relationship, but that does not mean that I cannot be friends with him. We are adults and have abilities to remain cordial with others, even if they have wronged us in some way in the past.

I think that you read what I was trying to say very defensively and I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or tell you that you have to write him off.

You can only make choices for you, but I have been there and I know that your perception of the things that are going on is a perception of someone in love with this man. That is not a fault. You are understanding, as I am as well, but in being understanding I know that I don't always fight for what I deserve and I put up with behaviors that I shouldn't have to because I love someone.

I am sorry that you believe that what I am telling you is to be misunderstanding or harsh. I have just been there as well and thought you could help or that you were looking for some perspective on the situation.