Well, I have not spoken with my girlfriend since Feb. 5

We have quite a connection and have been through thick and thin together... But she has come to feel more clinical depression as she compares her new life to her old one... (which was actually not good, but the bills were paid and a father was in the house, though he was cheating... ).

There was no fight. No break up. But I felt that I was doing the work as the communicator and she was pulling back in the throes of her depression post divorce and
As a single mom starting over. Still, she is almost 3 years out of the divorce. And she said she was not sure what the future held for her or us... since she is heading back to grad school.

Should I assume it's over with her (I guess I should call her my ex... ) since I do not foresee her breaking this silence... And move on?

I fear if I call I will find her apathetic and apologetic but not empathetic.

Women, have you ever put a guy in a freeze like this?

Should I just walk? I am not sure what course to take... if she is clinical, it may be more than me.

Kind of sucks...

It's hard to say what she's feeling.that's got to be tough , a single mom, wow! You know yourself best. Would it devestate you if she turned you away? How much do you love her? If it were me, on the other hand I would have to at least try, but your not me. Just remember, all things shall fall into place in the right time.

I think she wants to be... free. But what is that with responsibilities and life in 30's.

It is perhaps a fantasy of being non-accountable to feel better.

We were inseparable for a long time... and delt with everything pretty well.

But her Ex makes her unsettled: ignores kids, yet retains perfect public image, remarries an unsuspecting respected woman, goes on expensive trips with trust fund money etc... and it results partly in this.

Maybe its time to work on you, and put your life in perspective, and balance. Then you can revisit the issue with a clear fresh mind. I know you hate being in limbo, but let the emotional dust settle.

Maybe its time to work on you, and put your life in perspective, and balance. Then you can revisit the issue with a clear fresh mind. I know you hate being in limbo, but let the emotional dust settle.


I hear you. I just fear her starting a new life in the silence we are living in... and now I have a fear of stepping into the void... and so we just keep not talking... as I feel she has the cards. And yep, it does make me emotional -

I hear you. I just fear her starting a new life in the silence we are living in...and now i have a fear of stepping into the void....and so we just keep not talking...as i feel she has the cards. and yep, it does make me emotional -

Please love yourself enough, to have the courage, to face your own fears, and take that step into the void. Rebuild your life by doing the things you enjoy, without her in your life. Find what makes you happy, and let her do the same. It just takes loving yourself, more than you love her.

I am not sure I'd call if my significant other had stopped calling or not. But Tal is right, do not let her control your self-worth. If you never call - could this go on forever? Maybe...

Tough place to be...

As a parent and a person starting grad work, she might feel like she doesn't have enough energy to put toward a relationship. Her child should be her first priority... and I have a hard time saying her choosing to continue her education is a bad long term investment.

She clearly has issues from the previous marriage. The scars of cheating can run deep and long. She might also not want to depend on another person while she struggles through this... you said her husband took good care of her (outside of the awful infidelity)... and maybe that's a problem.

There was a time in my relationship with my wife, when we were dating, that I withdrew. Id planned on leaving for med school. She had a child. Id been cheated on. It was complicated (who isn't?) and I wasn't about to change my plans for another relationship that might fail.

But I did. I wish I could tell you why. We had a "final" talk... one where we met for dinner and both came thinking it would be over that night. We walked away in a different place, willing to try it out.

So... I can't get into her head. I've been through one hard about of depression once in my life and it is wicked mean. It seems to easy to say "do something about it"... but its just this nasty emotional python that squeezes the hope out of you.

You cannot save her. You can give her the chance to start again with you. I would ask her to meet with you over dinner, just as I did with my wife. If she refuses, ask one more time. After that, id write one letter. If you love her and you love her child let it be known that you aren't the same man that cheated on her, and that you want her in your life. Then be done.

There are times when we need to walk away and be done. There are times when we need to take a few chances and wait a bit. After that... its time to walk.

I've loved at least one woman in my life who I had to walk away from due to "bad timing"... it does happen. Sometimes a great person isn't ready to be in a great relationship with you.

So... take a few more shots at it. Nothing wrong with that. But if she keeps closing the door... you just can't keep kicking it open.

You need a mate who wants to be with you and who is willing to chase you down also. Its good to do the hard work to save a relationship, but you cannot do all the work yourself.

tough place to be...

as a parent and a person starting grad work, she might feel like she doesnt have enough energy to put toward a relationship. her child should be her first priority... and i have a hard time saying her choosing to continue her education is a bad long term investment.

she clearly has issues from the previous marriage. the scars of cheating can run deep and long. she might also not want to depend on another person while she struggles through this... you said her husband took good care of her (outside of the awful infidelity)... and maybe thats a problem.

there was a time in my relationship with my wife, when we were dating, that i withdrew. id planned on leaving for med school. she had a child. id been cheated on. it was complicated (who isnt?) and i wasnt about to change my plans for another relationship that might fail.

but i did. i wish i could tell you why. we had a "final" talk... one where we met for dinner and both came thinking it would be over that night. we walked away in a different place, willing to try it out.

so... i can't get into her head. ive been through one hard bout of depression once in my life and it is wicked mean. it seems to easy to say "do something about it"... but its just this nasty emotional python that squeezes the hope out of you.

you cannot save her. you can give her the chance to start again with you. i would ask her to meet with you over dinner, just as i did with my wife. if she refuses, ask one more time. after that, id write one letter. if you love her and you love her child let it be known that you arent the same man that cheated on her, and that you want her in your life. then be done.

there are times when we need to walk away and be done. there are times when we need to take a few chances and wait a bit. after that... its time to walk.

ive loved at least one woman in my life who i had to walk away from due to "bad timing"... it does happen. sometimes a great person isnt ready to be in a great relationship with you.

so... take a few more shots at it. nothing wrong with that. but if she keeps closing the door... you just can't keep kicking it open.

you need a mate who wants to be with you and who is willing to chase you down also. its good to do the hard work to save a relationship, but you cannot do all the work yourself.

Thoughtful anwer:

Just to be clear - I did NOT cheat on her.

Her EX did cheat on her. (I think you got that right? :-)

Ok, and yes, it is a tough one to decide on - and to do right - and not press too much.
Her signals have been mixed = VERY loving... and also, very isolated. 1 month of silence is not good though... and I have NOT broken it... whether it was on me to break it is ahrd to say/know..

Never thought you did... but the past haunts her, its clear. Or maybe that's just my exp, having two big loves cheat on me... it's the next love that suffers through the emotional baggage.

Those are all good points.

I think that I too am isolating now - for fear of getting hurt by what she might say if I broke the silence... And so it goes... on and on. I know she is hurting, but I also know she can compartmentalize and justify her decisions.

This break happened last year at the same time.
I broke it after a couple months when I ran into her at lunch and asked her to talk.
She said that she was working on herself and was in a better spot. And was thankful for another chance.

Follow-up: She and I met and talked and she expressed her sadness and feeling of futility at what to do since she feared whether she could be all I wanted/needed. She talked of the future and how much she missed time together and our calls and our emails.

The meeting was emotional and heady stuff.

Now a week later the reunion is hard to summarize. We have only spoken a couple times since she went to her parents for Easter with her child. I am speechless again. I have texted her that I want to talk about the weekend and she returned that she did too - but was with her child at the movies - and I left it at that... another day passed. Since I have been in the silent zone I wanted to see her step up a bit. I don't want to fal back into a silent rut, but I am not sure how to judge what we are and what we can be.

PS - re-read your posts KP, well thought out... when to walk away, when to believe in putting oneself out there... as a mother she is torn between two worlds perhaps. But the silence is so debilitating. I have rather high profile job and it shows on me. Hard to hide.

lance23

Sounds similar to what I'm going through, except we are still together. My girlfriend lives with me. We talk sometimes, but Mon. - Friday very little. We have different shifts. She rarely calls me when I'm at work. When she does, she just sends me a picture of the dogs or something. Doesn't really ask about me or make much attempt to talk. If we have conversation usually it's because I initiated it. We still get along somehow, but I have been waiting for her to show me she loves me. It's been awhile to say the least. She is dealing with depression too, but I can't get much out of her. Anyway, enough about me, I just thought we were in a different yet similar situation if you know what I mean. Good luck to you. I wish you the best!

We spoke and I think that we are going to keep communication open. Frankly, when we are working this hard the warning lights are on - but the heart has to be sure before it closes for good... you never know if a bad phase is a life phase but I am cautious for now.

ive been through one hard bout of depression once in my life and it is wicked mean. it seems to easy to say "do something about it"... but its just this nasty emotional python that squeezes the hope out of you.
A great description, KP. I have a lot more compassion for depressed people than I did before I experienced it for myself.

But whether out of compassion or exhaustion, we still have to decide when to be done and when to try again if somebody we care for is depressed. I can't think of any generalities that apply. When looking at someone else's choice, it's impossible to tell the difference between unable and unwilling. Ultimately, it doesn't matter.

That is so true kp & og. And a point I would like to make, which might sound minor to some, is that couples need to keep doing what got them to fall in-love in the first place. I compare it to being a sports team. If a team has learned to win together throughout the season, they need to keep playing that way at the end of the season if they want to succeed. That's like what I told my girlfriend the other day... "We aren't done." "This isn't the finish line." "We need to keep doing the things that got us this far." I think she understood that and wants it to be that way too, but it's easier said than done, over time things change. But overall I think it's a basic fundemental of relationships. Of course it most likely won't be like when you first started dating or whatever, but the idea makes sense and instead of trying to think so much, maybe that little bit of info may help put the overall relationship into perspective. That seemed to simplify things with my girlfriend and I and hopefully it will help us out. So far we are doing OK, I just hope it continues, and I think it will. It was just a thought I wanted to share.

...a point I would like to make, which might sound minor to some, is that couples need to keep doing what got them to fall in-love in the first place.
That's not a minor point at all.

While some elements of "the chase" get lost with familiarity of your mate, you are dead on right that you need to do some of the things that's got you together... and the "catch" isn't the end.

Those who write in with the "love conquers all" rose-colored view of the world make me laugh a bit. It isn't that you love then and it all works out *poof*... its more that you love them and you are willing to do the work it takes to keep the relationship good, as even good relationships take deliberate effort at times.

When someone writes in here, telling about a mate who is treating them terribly one of my criteria for looking at the relationship is if they treated you this way in the beginning, would you have stayed? Which is another way of saying they aren't treating you the same as before... sure we get upset, have disagreements... it happens in healthy relationships.

But if a person is being treated poorly, and won't leave because of the time invested, its somewhat a loss of self perspective. With a busier life, and a child now, my relationship with my wife isn't a carbon copy of what it was ten years ago.

But we still try to speak to each other as we did then, we still try to focus deliberate attention on each other when we can, and we still work through the tough spots assuming the other person is engaged and locked into the relationship for all the right reasons. We don't do it "perfectly", whatever that is, but we do both sense the other person is still on the same page.

Even when life gets in the way, somehow just honestly feeling that your partner wants to be connected and wants healthy companionship... it just makes getting though all the noise so much easier. I suppose its just trust in the end.

I was in a similar situation recently and it was not fun living without communcation.
It was not officially a break-up, but an unspoken agreement to have time apart.

Anyway, I walked up and said hello at the market one day, and we took time to speak and changed the rules a bit for both of us, andwe now are happier. So, a break can be helpful if we use it wisely. Otherwise, let it go. If you suffer through - your head will clear after the pain period.