Hello everyone! I am new to this discussion and my husband found this board and I just have to ask for some advice. After what my husband and I went through last night, (and every other night in the last two months), I am hoping that someone else has some experience with this. I am having a REALLY big problem with my three year old. She just turned three in December. The issue right now is that she will have these screaming crying fits for no reason in particular and there is no consoling her once she has started in. She screams at the top of her lungs to the point where I am sure the nieghbors can hear it and she will hold out on one of these tangents sometimes for hours at a time. She is very stubborn and she will not quit until SHE is done. We have tried spanking, yelling, reasoning, talking, asking questions, putting her in her room and closing the door and letting her scream. She opens her door even at the threat of a spanking(and we spanked her every time she opened the door!) which was spank, put her in the bed, and she would get up and open the door immediately and scream out it and then we would spank her again and start over. We did that for about 20-30 minutes and she continues to open the door. I have thrown out all the candy in the house. I thought maybe she was having sugar peaks and crashes. Now the tantrums have started happening at night. She wakes up in the middle of the night and refuses to tell me why she is crying. I ask her questions, she doesn't answer, I turn around to leave the room and she yells no and starts screaming and crying again. It's almost like she wants me to stand there and just stare at her all night long. Why won't she just tell us what is the issue so that we can fix it?? If my husband tries to go in and deal with it she screams that she wants me and will NOT communicate with him at all during one of these episodes. She is normally very good for her dad, except during these tantrums. It is now happening two to three times a night! My husband and I are exausted. We have learned not to pick her up and console her until after she has COMPLETELY stopped crying. I am at the end of my emotional rope and I was in tears last night just from shear emotional stress! PLEASE HELP ANYONE!

Start asking her questions like Is there someone in the closet that is bothering you? Do you want me to look under your bed and make sure there is no body there? Do you want me to leave a night light on for you? Keep asking her questions until she starts to talk to you. It just might be her vivid imagination (or she really sees something and is perplexed about it) and can't tell you directly what it is. I have never heard of something like this before. Don't ask that she tell you, ASK her questions until you actually hit on the problem at hand.

Start asking her questions like Is there someone in the closet that is bothering you? You don't want to put thoughts into her head that aren't necessarily there.


Do you want me to look under your bed and make sure there is no body there?

Again, you don't want to give her ideas for her screaming fits if this is not what it is.


Keep asking her questions until she starts to talk to you.

Most likely she'll just clam up.

Has anything different happened recently? A move to a new house? A change in daycare? Problems with you and your husband? Any new people in her life?

How long has this been happening? Think back and see if there are any changes that occurred during that time. Now, remember, what may be minuscule to us will be monumental to a child.

I have tried the asking questions appraoch and she does just clam up. She will not open her mouth. Even at the threat of spanking she will not just tell me what is wrong. I have learned that spanking does not work with her at all. She literally just sits there and cries, then when I get tired of waiting for an answer and I start to leave then she cries and yells no for me not to leave! She does have a night light in her room.
She got a new teacher when they moved her up to the 3 year old class. I asked her the other night if she didn't like her teacher and she says she likes her teacher, but that she doesn't like the kids. But, when I go to pick her up she is playing with those kids and looks to be having a good time. Should I change her daycare?
Last night I was talking to my sister who is taking classes to be a teacher and I thought of something... Lately my daughter has gotton a little more independence and to our relief we have been able to take kind of a breather I guess is what I should call it. Previously, she has been my shadow and I could not do anything without taking her and I could not do any projects around the house without her wanting me to play with her. Basically, everything revolved around her. I could do NOTHING until she went to bed. Now with this new independence she goes and plays in her room and I get some free time of my own. My sister seems to think that I am taking too much advantage of this and that Taylor is "missing being with me". Although I am not gone and she can find me when she wants, she no longer has "mommy time" every night. I still give her a bath and all. I don't know... Those are the only things I can think of. Do you think my sister is right? Could there be another problem?

Did this all start around the time they moved her to the 3 year old class and she got a new teacher?

Hmmm... sounds like a typical 3 year old tantrum.

She doesn't hesitate when you threaten to spank? Have you taken her to her peditrician to see if there are any medical issues?

Somehow, someway she feels a loss of control. Perhaps at bedtime give her a GlowBaby or whatever it's called now--a doll or animal that has a flashlight in it. My sons used that to keep nighttime monsters away. If she is easily able to "visit" you while she's playing, I wouldn't worry about that. She is in control and can play or find you to see what you are doing.

Avoid the screaming and spanking stuff. You've already found out they don't work. Change how you talk--sing your instructions or whisper them. Make up a story with her as the star. "Once upon a time there was a girl named -----..............." and then take her on an adventure. Children love stories, especially if they are the heroes of those stories.

She may not, probably doesn't, know why she behaves this way, so you will have to be the detective. Please continue to brainstorm with us so we can help her (and you).

Samsmom,

Have you tried not forcing her to tell you or not try to force her to stop her tantrums?

I used to try forcing my little one to stop,by telling her loudly,but it just seemed to make her worse.It becomes a tug of war to see who can hold on longer.

I have since realised that it did not seem to work,so now I tell her to talk to me when she has done crying.(she is not 3 yet)
Not that the tantrums have stopped altogether,but it takes less time for her to calm down.And at night she used to wake up too and cry sometimes,I play some religious recitations until she calms down and she goes to sleep better that way (this is what I do and it helps me).

I have also tried to get her to do more water play if the day is too hot,it helps her a lot too.I have also found a suggestion (I think wondergirl suggested)that we talk softly so she has to stop to listen to what we are saying... it helps most times when she is in a tantrum.

Another thing that helps at night is that after she is ready for bed.. I let her do some puzzles(I stay where she can see me) and she will do one over and over again sometimes(she has been doing the same puzzles for a month now)... by the time she feels sleepy she is calm and willingly goes to sleep.
Now,I read to her as that is what she prefers at this moment.

Maybe a night ritual will help.

As others suggested it might be change she is finding frustrating and it is hard to get a 3 year old to talk especially during a tantrum,maybe you should have a talk with her about her tantrums when she is calm.

Did this all start around the time they moved her to the 3 year old class and she got a new teacher?

I think it was right around that time. It is hard for me to recall exactly how long this has been going on because I kept thinking that it was just a phase and that she would grow out of it soon.
The teacher has also told me that she has trouble getting her to acknowledge respect to her. Taylor has ALWAYS told her teachers yes mam or no mam when she is acknowledging them, and when she is in trouble with me I make her say yes mam or no mam to aknowledge her respect of me. Lately she will flat refuse to say yes mam or no mam. She would rather be spanked or be put in time out. What happened to my angel?? She is a VERY smart kid and I think she has figured something out, I just don't know what!

Hmmm...sounds like a typical 3 year old tantrum.

She doesn't hesitate when you threaten to spank? Have you taken her to her peditrician to see if there are any medical issues?

She says no and covers her behind, but it will not stop her behavior to think she will get spanked. I just took her to the doctor for her 3 year check up. Does this sound like a medical issue? Is there some medical issue that I should start researching? What is your thought?

Somehow, someway she feels a loss of control. Perhaps at bedtime give her a GlowBaby or whatever it's called now--a doll or animal that has a flashlight in it. My sons used that to keep nighttime monsters away. If she is easily able to "visit" you while she's playing, I wouldn't worry about that. She is in control and can play or find you to see what you are doing.

Avoid the screaming and spanking stuff. You've already found out they don't work. Change how you talk--sing your instructions or whisper them. Make up a story with her as the star. "Once upon a time there was a girl named -----..............." and then take her on an adventure. Children love stories, especially if they are the heroes of those stories.

She may not, probably doesn't, know why she behaves this way, so you will have to be the detective. Please continue to brainstorm with us so we can help her (and you).

Do I want her to feel like she is in control?? Or do you mean she feels a loss of control in the house... like the house is out of control? She is my first and this is all new to me. My mom says that she is definitely stubborn and very set in her ways. It is her way or the highway! So she thinks!

She says no and covers her behind, but it will not stop her behavior to think she will get spanked. I just took her to the doctor for her 3 year check up. Does this sound like a medical issue? Is there some medical issue that I should start researching? What is your thought?

It sounds like this is what a 3 year old is going to act like. She is getting older, and smarter too. She knows how to catch you and your husbands attention and she is doing a great job with it.

Try this: Don't retaliate. When she screams, let her, though it may be hard. When she opens the door back up and continues to scream, walk away. She knows that every time she throws these tantrums, mommy will come and give me attention. If her screaming is that loud, try putting some music on. Tune it out. This is merely not ignoring your child but simply not initiating her tantrums. Don't bribe the child either as bribery will make her act out just to get what she wants.

Is this your first child?

If you are so concerned that this is a health issue then take her to the doctors. I don't think it is one.

Do I want her to feel like she is in control??? Or do you mean she feels a loss of control in the house... like the house is out of control? She is my first and this is all new to me. My mom says that she is definately stubborn and very set in her ways. It is her way or the highway! So she thinks!

What I meant was give her control of her environment in small ways. She's 3. Stubborn comes with the territory. She's testing and seeing what she can get away with. She will do this again at the age of 12 or so. Be the adult. Read what beautifulbrunette suggests. They are good ideas.

Hello everyone! I am new to this discussion and my husband found this board and I just have to ask for some advice. After what my husband and I went through last night, (and every other night in the last two months), I am hoping that someone else has some experience with this. I am having a REALLY big problem with my three year old. She just turned three in December. The issue right now is that she will have these screaming crying fits for no reason in particular and there is no consoling her once she has started in. She screams at the top of her lungs to the point where I am sure the nieghbors can hear it and she will hold out on one of these tangents sometimes for hours at a time. She is very stubborn and she will not quit until SHE is done. We have tried spanking, yelling, reasoning, talking, asking questions, putting her in her room and closing the door and letting her scream. She opens her door even at the threat of a spanking(and we spanked her everytime she opened the door!) which was spank, put her in the bed, and she would get up and open the door immediately and scream out it and then we would spank her again and start over. We did that for about 20-30 mins and she continues to open the door. I have thrown out all the candy in the house. I thought maybe she was having sugar peaks and crashes. Now the tantrums have started happening at night. She wakes up in the middle of the night and refuses to tell me why she is crying. I ask her questions, she doesn't answer, I turn around to leave the room and she yells no and starts screaming and crying again. It's almost like she wants me to stand there and just stare at her all night long. Why won't she just tell us what is the issue so that we can fix it???? If my husband tries to go in and deal with it she screams that she wants me and will NOT communicate with him at all during one of these episodes. She is normally very good for her dad, except during these tantrums. It is now happening two to three times a night! My husband and I are exausted. We have learned not to pick her up and console her until after she has COMPLETELY stopped crying. I am at the end of my emotional rope and I was in tears last night just from shear emotional stress! PLEASE HELP ANYONE!
I would seek the advice of your pedriatician as it may be a medical issue and you don't want to over look that especially since it is occurring 2-3x at night?

As a parent, unless she is hurt or scared, I would ignore the tantrums all together and go on about things like it isn't going on. If she is hurt/scared I would just be there to comfort and hold her until it passes. I would not probe for answers as she may not even have the WHY's herself. Just wait and let it come out naturally. I would never fight tantrums with yelling or spanking! And I do realize that is easy to say outside the situation. Also, if she has been sent to her room or timeout and leaves just take her and put her back without a WORD, only reinforce the expectation every so often (ie "you will stay in your room for 3 minutes until you are calm and then I will come talk to you") and keep doing that until she gets it. This will take a long time at first but keep at it. With my first I would sometimes sit at the top of the stairs by her door for hours at night enforcing the expectations without a word ( get a cup of coffee)

Finally whatever you do do it consistently and for the long term. Doing things different from day to day or week to week is confusing to everyone and defeats your purpose. Good luck.

"Is this your first child?

If you are so concerned that this is a health issue then take her to the doctors. I don't think it is one."

Yes this is my first chiild. I do not think this is a health issue I am just trying to take all pieces of advice as seriously as I can. She is definatley a trying child, but I do not think anything is medically wrong with her. I think this is completely behavioral and if I can modify it before she gets out of control and gets older I do believe that it will make my life and hers easier.

I am going to try the ideas that beautiful brunette suggested. When she opens the door and screams I should walk away... the only problem is she will follow me through the house. That is why I have tried to contain her to her room for this. I will try this and maybe I can put up a baby gate to keep her from being able to leave the room.

In the middle of the night, should I get up and check on her and then if she doesn't respond when I ask her what is wrong should I just walk out and let her scream until she stops?
I am sorry if my questions sound dumb, but this is my first child and I have nobody around me that has any experience with any of this. Most of my friends and family have had kids with the normal tantrums, but they all say they haven't seen anything like this. She is soooo good most times, but when she is bad she is REAL bad. I really do appreciate all the good advice! I feel better today about this with everyone's help than I did yesterday, I felt hopeless! Thanks soooo much!

You're going to have to be creative (like all of us have been). You try this, and if it doesn't work, you try that. If that doesn't work, you try something else.

The main thing is to talk with other moms--moms who are having the same problem or did at one time and moms who have other problems but are supportive of your efforts.

Every age will bring its challenges. I dreaded potty training, but it turned out to be a snap. I thought I could coast after the terrible twos, but age five had its speedbumps. When my younger son became a teenager, I was told to act like I didn't know him, that I wasn't his mother. When he started college, new speedbumps appeared.

Now I look back on all those years and even (sometimes in the dead of night) wish I could relive them.

"Is this your first child?

If you are so concerned that this is a health issue then take her to the doctors. I don't think it is one."

Yes this is my first chiild. I do not think this is a health issue I am just trying to take all pieces of advice as seriously as I can. She is definatley a trying child, but I do not think anything is medically wrong with her. I think this is completely behavioral and if I can modify it before she gets out of control and gets older I do believe that it will make my life and hers easier.

I am going to try the ideas that beautiful brunette suggested. When she opens the door and screams I should walk away... the only problem is she will follow me through the house. That is why I have tried to contain her to her room for this. I will try this and maybe I can put up a baby gate to keep her from being able to leave the room.

In the middle of the night, should I get up and check on her and then if she doesn't respond when I ask her what is wrong should I just walk out and let her scream until she stops?
I am sorry if my questions sound dumb, but this is my first child and I have nobody around me that has any experience with any of this. Most of my friends and family have had kids with the normal tantrums, but they all say they haven't seen anything like this. She is soooo good most times, but when she is bad she is REAL bad. I really do appreciate all the good advice! I feel better today about this with everyones help than I did yesterday, I felt hopeless! Thanks soooo much!

Like I said, she is trying to win you and your husbands attention and in doing so she will do ANYTHING to get it. When she follows you around the house screaming, let her. Don't even acknowledge she is there. Sing or hum to yourself as she is following you. Sooner if not later she will catch on that Mommy isn't going to tolerate constant screaming.

When you hear her screaming in the middle of the night, don't go in. Just peak through the door and make sure she is okay. Make sure you are not seen. Before going to bed tuck her favorite 'teddy' next to her, maybe read a book or sing, say good night, give a kiss, flip the night light on, and leave. If she starts to scream don't even hesitate to look back.

I know this is your first child but you need to let her know who is boss or she will take advantage of the fact that you will come running every time she screams, which you should, but only in an emergancy. If you do this for maybe 3 or 4 nights, she will get the hint (hopefully :)). If after a week and still no signs of making progress, I will be here!

Last night was awesome! Ladies I have to tell you that experience speaks for itself! I had a full night of sleep last night and I feel great today! I went by Whole Foods Market last night on the way home and I got some very healthy snacks(fruits, nuts, trail mix). I took my kiddo home, fed her dinner, we had project time and did an art project. I gave her a bath. I scratched her back and talked to her for a few minutes and she laid down and went to sleep! She stayed asleep all night and I didn't even hear a peep! It was amazing! I hope this was not a fluke and that she will keep sleeping.
I really appreciate all the help from all of you experienced moms! I came to this message board with frazzled nerves and I am feeling like I am definatley not alone! Thanks beautifulbrunette and wondergirl for all of your suggestions and your offers of continued support. Sometimes as people we just need that to feel better!

Last night was awesome! Ladies I have to tell you that experience speaks for itself! I had a full night of sleep last night and I feel great today! I went by Whole Foods Market last night on the way home and I got some very healthy snacks(fruits, nuts, trail mix). I took my kiddo home, fed her dinner, we had project time and did an art project. I gave her a bath. I scratched her back and talked to her for a few minutes and she laid down and went to sleep! She stayed asleep all night and I didn't even hear a peep! It was amazing! I hope this was not a fluke and that she will keep sleeping.
I really appreciate all the help from all of you experienced moms! I came to this message board with frazzled nerves and I am feeling like I am definatley not alone! Thanks beautifulbrunette and wondergirl for all of your suggestions and your offers of continued support. Sometimes as people we just need that to feel better!

I'm not even a mom yet... LOL! I hope I will make a good one though. My experience comes from working with children for 3 years. Got to love 'em! Best of luck to you SAMSMOM76! We are always here to help with any situation you may have.

Also I was thinking have you taken her to the doctors at all? Get her ears checked. My sister and I used to scream all night long and couldn't explain why but we both had really bad ear aches. My left ear drum is actually scared because of it, now I can kind of hear out of it but not like my other ear. I would get this checked on a visit at the doctors and ask them how her ears look. Maybe this is the key to success! Good Luck!

I'm so glad you had a peaceful night finally. Now you've gotten a few hints as to what works--the bath, the snacks, spending time with Mommy, back scratching, quiet voices. Build on that foundation. The more quality sleep the two of you have, the more relaxed and happy you both will be.

I'm proud of you! Welcome to the Creative Mommy Club!