Before you read the following, please understand this about me. When I write, seldom do I delete. Rather, I let the words simply pour freely from my emotions and transfer my thoughts onto paper.

As you read this little "I wonder..." remember that you are looking through a window into my often confused heart, observing yet another turn on my uncharted path, and seeing a glimpse into my soul.

I originally wrote this little piece this morning over in my thread on Quotes that have influenced your life, but I posted it here because I thought it might benefit you all... so, for what its worth...

I wonder....

"Is it possible to bubble over with happiness and contentment, while still wrestling with the pangs of loneliness and heartache? Is it possible to be completely secure and desperately lost? Is it too far out of the realm of reason to wish upon oneself joy and sorrow? Is it necessary to understand the mysteries of the heart and believe in the possibility of redemption? I think not. For within my heart is joy and sorrow, happiness and irrevocable despair, contentment and desire. Within my soul is peace and contentment, but living in my heart is pain and loss. Did I simply define humanity? Is balance the great secret? If so, let balance reign in my heart, let it live in my soul, let it influence my emotions, let it rule my mind. For to be balanced is to be alive. I choose to be alive."

~ A HistorianChick original ~

In my mind... balance is the key to everything and yes that is exactly what your trying to understand and live out.. it is what we are all doing but not all of us have such a clear understanding of what happens within... Very insightful of you~

'Within my soul is peace and contentment, but living in my heart is pain and loss."

I understand that quite well. You have expressed yourself quite beautifully. People are not just one emotion or feeling at one time but a complexity, like a swirling pile of Autumn leaves. It is all there.

Thank you, HC, for sharing your deep thoughts.

Before you read the following, please understand this about me. When I write, seldom do I delete. Rather, I let the words simply pour freely from my emotions and transfer my thoughts onto paper.

As you read this little "I wonder..." remember that you are looking through a window into my often confused heart, observing yet another turn on my uncharted path, and seeing a glimpse into my soul.

I originally wrote this little piece this morning over in my thread on Quotes that have influenced your life, but I posted it here because I thought it might benefit you all... so, for what its worth...

I wonder....

"Is it possible to bubble over with happiness and contentment, while still wrestling with the pangs of loneliness and heartache? Is it possible to be completely secure and desperately lost? Is it too far out of the realm of reason to wish upon oneself joy and sorrow? Is it necessary to understand the mysteries of the heart and believe in the possibility of redemption? I think not. For within my heart is joy and sorrow, happiness and irrevocable despair, contentment and desire. Within my soul is peace and contentment, but living in my heart is pain and loss. Did I simply define humanity? Is balance the great secret? If so, let balance reign in my heart, let it live in my soul, let it influence my emotions, let it rule my mind. For to be balanced is to be alive. I choose to be alive."

~ A HistorianChick original ~

Oh what a beautiful writing HC - Just beautiful - You truly are gifted.

Yes, balance is the key, is to the obtainable goal... while... you are working on healing that internal pain. For once you truly do heal that pain, then yes it is possible to bubble over with happiness and contentment.

But first we must learn to heal the wounds and find out how they were caused in the first place.

So, yes, balance is most definitely the great secret, while on your journey to healing your internal self.

I love you HC - I truly do - Always let your gifts flow freely from you... and thank you for sharing them with all of us.

Love U :)

Beautiful. I'm always listening for another person to put it into words. You did. Thank You.

What a wonderful drink of literature! Thank you

Thanks for sharing.
It's always good to get caught up in the ramblings of the moment... it's often when we're the most clear.

Thank you all for these comments...

Sometimes I hesitate to share these inner workings of my heart simply because they might come across as "multiple-personality-girl" or silly ramblings of a wounded soul. Thank you for giving me the freedom to share.

A "drink of literature"... wow... that's one of the most amazing compliments...

I'm standing today in the same spot as yesterday, with a little bit more resolve. It's a wonderful, intimate, soul-searching place to be, but I'm truly (oddly, actually! Lol) enjoying it. I'm enjoying this journey into who I really am - getting to know myself a little better... becoming stronger for the pain and joy.

You all are great... again, thanks.

I originally wrote this little piece this morning over in my thread on Quotes that have influenced your life, but I posted it here because I thought it might benefit you all... so, for what its worth...

I wonder....

"Is it possible to bubble over with happiness and contentment, while still wrestling with the pangs of loneliness and heartache? Is it possible to be completely secure and desperately lost? Is it too far out of the realm of reason to wish upon oneself joy and sorrow? Is it necessary to understand the mysteries of the heart and believe in the possibility of redemption? I think not. For within my heart is joy and sorrow, happiness and irrevocable despair, contentment and desire. Within my soul is peace and contentment, but living in my heart is pain and loss. Did I simply define humanity? Is balance the great secret? If so, let balance reign in my heart, let it live in my soul, let it influence my emotions, let it rule my mind. For to be balanced is to be alive. I choose to be alive."

~ A HistorianChick original ~

Thank you for sharing HC... it is beautifully true.
Humans beings are so much more complex than what we see of human emotion... there is so much more going on within us that doesn't show on our physical selves.

To have all the emotions you mentioned is truly to be human... but then all of us are searching for the balance of all of it.To not give into any one emotions more than the other...

Hist Chick you are truly inspiratonal,keep writing, learning healing and sharing!

Well, my friends, I'm tired today. Tired of balancing.

Tired of surviving, tired of singing, tired of standing. Tired of smiling when I don't feel like it, tired of being strong, tired of trying to move on. I'm just simply tired. I'm going home for the weekend, to curl up in my canopy bed and let my Mom pamper me.

When I return, I'll be ready to face another countless days of balance. Of standing, surviving, and being strong, but I'm going to allow myself to be weak this weekend. To be weak and just be me. I'm going to watch sappy movies with my Mom, consume way too much coffee and chocolate, and sit on her back porch swing watching the sunset. I'm going to a concert and let my "balanced life" take a vacation.

There is just so much going on in my head these days - relationship unknowns, family heartaches, job frustrations, personal struggles - that I'm just ready to rest. Ready to put down my sword and sit under my shield for a while, letting the battle wage around me.

I'm simply tired of balance.

(I'm not tired of the mystery of living a balanced life, I'm tired of the balancing act that is defining it at the moment. Yes, HC isn't this invincible, all-strong, wise guru... I'm simply a woman. A tired, emotional woman who needs her Mommy and isn't afraid to say it! :) To all of you, thanks for listening and reading... I'll be back to sunny-HC soon, believe me.)

Take bubble baths and long naps. Stay in your sweats and soak up the wisdom of your mom. Have a great time.

All has said, let me be
Every once in a while
It seems to happen when we
Are just to tired to smile
Take your rest as you know you need
And find some inner peace
Just relax in knowing that you are unique
And come back with serenity

I put this over in my Quotes thread, but thought I owed you all the update as well...

I find myself at the close of an emotional weekend. A true roller coaster of emotions. By going home, I traveled not only distance, but also time. On Saturday morning, I left as a broken, hurting, sad woman - one that bore what I thought was the weight of the world on my tired shoulders. All I wanted to do was curl up under my shield and let the battle rage 'round me. I learned something this weekend. I learned a little more about myself and my resolve. I learned that my pain is not only mine, that my sorrow was shared, that my hurt was only the half to an unknown equation... and that equation was friendship.

I needed the time at home, the time walking the college grounds where I fell in love with my ex-fiance', the moments reliving my past, the quiet tears at my Father's grave, the pointless laughter at Mrs. Doubtfire with my Mom, the home-town church service, the reality check of being in my single canopy bed again, the reminder that although my past is laced with tears, sorrow, pain, and loss, that it is also colored with joy, happiness, fulfillment, and unimaginable hope.

Sitting in Newlin Hall at Centre College, listening to the beautiful strains of Yo Yo Ma's chamber music - sitting in some of the very seats that I once shared with the love of my life - I realized that, just as some of the notes were dissonant, resounding, and clashing against the plush tapestry of an Ivy League school, other notes floated above the audience, whispering of hope and resolution amidst the chaos of a modern chamber piece. I found myself lost in its strains, following the perfectly ordered randomness of the music... listening for the moment when it would change from its passionate dissolution to quiet peace.

I've found my balance once again. My balance between the ache and the peace, the pain and the healing, the sorrow and the joy. Long may it live in my heart, reigning over my emotions and outlook.

I only hope that I can give just a smidgen of my resolve and contentment to my dear friend who has found herself drowning in the chaos of her symphony. The difference between the music I heard yesterday and the dawning of today is that I am not simply sitting in the audience of her life, I'm sitting next to her, taking my bow to the strings of life and urging her on to a beautiful resolution and the sweet strains of peace.

(Forgive my ramblings, my friends, but I needed more than a few quotes this morning... I needed to paint a tapestry of my life before you, show you its colors, and let its chaotic beauty stand for you to see.)

Yep. Makes sense to me.

I appreciate my highs because the lows are so low... and its possible to be lost and found all at once. Silly human dichotomy.

There's a difference between working through the struggles and creating or causing struggles. It's the difference between choosing to be a victim or choosing to fight through things.

Smiles your way.

That is how I feel all the time. Like the ying yan (sp?)
I like the verse in the Bible that says the peace that passes all understanding.
COUNT IT ALL JOY (http://axley.org/files/joy_en.htm) the part near the bottom of the page The Trials of Lifeis especially good “Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience” (James 1:3).

I wrote this when I was feeling a lot like that

http://www.sapphiresart.50megs.com/index_2.html

I think I did steal pieces of it at the end yikes. I just don't know what from or who from. I know a couple bits are from songs
Moonbeam home in a jar -Guitazan
Peace that passes all understanding -the Bible

Have you ever found something that you wrote long ago and have it speak directly to your heart today? Right where you need it the most?

It feels a little odd, taking advice from myself... but, thank goodness for AMHD... the place where you can not only help others, but also look back at what you've written and gain strength from the victories of yesterday.

"I've found my balance once again. My balance between the ache and the peace, the pain and the healing, the sorrow and the joy. Long may it live in my heart, reigning over my emotions and outlook."

:)