Hey everyone.
I'm the tough guy who doesn't cry, at all and I've been hurt really really bad. I caught my wife having sex via texting for over 30 days every day with a social friend of ours. She claims they never met and never had actual sex. They also shared pictures with each other and you know the pain I'm going through, it hurts really bad. I married my wife 6 years ago and knew her for 6 years prior to that. One of the biggest reasons I married her was her family values and core beliefs of a family. Now after 6 years she was caught. She did at least come clean after telling me several lies through 3 days of denial. How do I know that more of this won't happen and something else happened that I don't know about. She is actually in counseling as I type this, but I'm really hurt. WE have a beautiful home on the water, two beautiful girls and I'm in shock! I knew things weren't right cause she bought the new iPhone and was texting all day and all night and I knew something was up. Our sex life has always been good and like so many other couples, marrige is hard on everyone, but I just don't know what to do. I'm an awesome father, a successful business owner and I am so weak right now that I don't know what to do. Any help would be great!!
thanks for reading.

First off this didn't happen in a vacuum. The person she was exchanging text messages with is no social friend. In fact I would seriously consider using his name and friend in the same sentence. Would you consider yourself a friend of a person whose wife you are chit chatting about all manner of sex escapades with? That's not the actions of someone I would consider to my friend.

My questions to you are, even tougher, because they will force you to look down the road with her.

Setting your anger and hurt aside (I understand how difficult that will be, believe me) Have you asked your wife why she started this type of behavior? Did she think it was funny or cute and then let her fantasy run rampant? What in your behavior towards her let her think it was harmless?

Given that she knew the behavior was wrong from the start (as proven by hiding her actions refusing to open up after she was caught) how is she justifying what she did.

Something in your relationship has changed and the result of this change is manifesting itself in her actions. Or there is an internal or external struggle going on peculiar to herself. They say us guys go through a mid-life crisis. Why would believe that women don't get bitten by the same type of bug.

We (guys ) are known to fantasize about other women, food, NY Giants football and miscellaneous stuff. Women have stuff that they daydream about.
What I'm trying to get at is why did she go to the next level. Did she believe its harmless fun or is she thinking that texting sex message or phone call is the better between actually having an affair.

This is really going to require both of you to put emotions off to the side and discuss what is missing or lost from you relationship. As to her continuing sending sex messages via text, make sure she has your mailbox number and ask her to send them to you (who will actually appreciate them) than strangers.

Thanks for the response. It gets deeper again.
She suggestec counseling--I just got back and she told me there was more than texting. They had oral sex 3 different times and also tells me she was having sex texting with another guy before this loser xfriend.
I'm really hurt and I am going to go out with a friend tonight to talk, but I divorce is the only way that I know how a man needs to react in this situation. I can't imagine living with her and remembering these occurrences. I love my kids, but I always said I'd never stay together for my kids because I saw my parents fight all the time.
Thanks you have great insight and right now I need all the help I can get.

Whoa, step back and give yourself some breathing room! Do not have a knee-jerk reaction and run head long into a divorce.

Some think of oral sex a meaningless. I am not one of them, nor am I suggesting that you should be. Looking straight into this mess, the worst may have already happened, you just don't know it yet.

Does it matter? It can't be denied nor can you ever make it go away. From now through the rest of your life you will carry the trauma of these events as they are unfolding. Sure you can forgive her infidelity, but you will never forget it! I would suggest that spend some time with a Pries, Pastor or Rabbi before running to a friend with personal information like this. It will not lessen your load and it will impose a load on your friend that he may or may not want to carry.

This needs to be centered in your home where it happened, for the time being. As to counseling, I would not suggest you jump into any session the involves discussing her extra curricular actives. Don't make it any worse on yourself then it already is!

I understand that you are hurt and if you read my posts I'm all of leaving when a person cheats. But I think you should sleep on this. The knee jerk reactions is to start talking divorce when I don't think that is necessary in all cases. She decided to come clean and tell you all the details. Which is in my opinion the worse thing she could have done. She is reaching out and saying that she wants to be completely honest with you from this point on. It may or may not be to late. The choice is yours.

Thanks, I will consider all your views.
The counselor has suggested she leave and go home with the kids for 3 days and that's what she's going to do. We'll see, but I really don't think I can live with myself knowing what she did.

I'm going through a very similar situation with my wife. She got into an emotional relationship with a coworker that ended in them sleeping together. I had been having "gut feelings" that something was going on and through a bunch of stuff, she confessed that she had slept with him. This has completely changed my world and everything that I thought I knew was gone. I immediately wanted to leave and have nothing more to do with her. When I would think about it all I could do was dwell on what she had done and how I could I possibly sleep in the same bed with her. I'm still going through these emotions that keep me up at night. The important thing here is that she is willing to work on this and WANTS to work on this. Something was definitely missing in the equation and she went looking for it. I know that I tell myself that I would not do this to her, but as many times as I've tried to explain this to myself, it still hurts know that she did this to me. Try and sit down with her and really get a feeling for where she is in the relationship and that she understands where you are in the relationship. It definitely takes two to make this work and she has to be there completely, no contact with the "friend". The part that I've had the most difficulty with is her understanding that am still going through the rollercoaster of emotions involved with finding out that my wife cheated and that somedays are going to be better than others, she had 2 months to deal with that fact, I've had 2 weeks. Good luck with whatever your plans are, I hope that there is a way you can uncover the hidden issues and find a way to make things work again.

Wait a minute, pick up a big stick and metaphorically, whack that counsellor over the head.

It's fine if she goes home for a few days, but what have you or your children done to warrant them being separated from you.

Take some time off from work and keep the kids with you! Also, I'm not sure what the gain is by her leaving your home. If it's because she needs time to think, if she stays at home, she can think all day if she wants.

Going home, frees her to text away without concern of being caught. I'd suggest that she stay at home and see what she would be losing by continuing her actions. Home is where the solutions will come from because this is a problem that is happening within the walls of your shared home.

Once you two agree on a plan of action, then you need to slowly bring the children into it. They have to understand that are not the cause or affect in any part of the adult problem. They do not need to know the details of the issues, because it is not their battle.

Fellows, this is really tough to read, much less have to experience. My conclusion: she does not love you. The only way you stay in the relationship is if your are either: 1) very forgiving, or 2) taking some responsibility for what she did. Let's say you own your business and don't really show your only employee a lot of respect and treat her poorly. After an audit, your accountant proves to you that your employee is stealing from the cash register. Does it matter whether it is $50 or $5,000? Would you trust her?

Wife is with family and counselor suggested it because of my concern on how I could handle the truth. I grew up with two very violent parents and I have never and will never be a parent that physically abuses my wife and I was concerned that this may have crossed the line and I don't know what I would do to her. It is best. I through her fancy iPhone in the water by the boat dock, so no more texting for her. Also I told the wife of the cheating husband that was messing around with my wife. Had to do it. I had to find a way make him hurt without violence. 3 friends came over last night we drank beer and I cried until 6:00 am this morning---all my friends say let's see if there is a way to work it out, but I don't know how I will ever overcome the thoughts of my wife with this other man.

The answer is I do own my own business and ever time an employee did me or my company wrong I fired them. I always enjoyed firing people for some reason. But this is way different house, several of them, land, condo in fl, two kids (5 and 3). She wants to work out and go to counseling and continue. In talking to her late last night I just don't hear enough remorse, begging, pleading, etc. or I just want something and I'm not getting it.

I do own my own business, since 1993 and I have always fired an employee who has done me or the company wrong. This is different--way different, she says she wants to work it out, go to counseling, but I don't know how I can live with the thoughts of my wife being with another man!

Just my opinion and I'm not a relationship counselor: She has to go, or you, for 90 days minimum. Continue counseling and time away from each other, no contact except for kids' welfare. See what feelings if any remain. If I were your wife and you threw my iPhone in the water, or destroyed any of my property, you would be in plenty more hot water. So, do not be vengeful in this process, but do whatever it takes to maintain the peace and keep a clear head.

The situation is tough. Odds are you will always remember and be cautious about what she did. I don't think you should ever forget. However, you can forgive her. That is what you must do if you want to rebuilt this marriage.

But before I could do that I would have to know why she step out?

The only thing she has in her favor is that she confessed and came clean. Which is an indication that she wants to repair this damaged relationship.

Wow---what 3 days can do to you. Monday was the 2nd worse day of my life (brother-n-law death) and here we are 3 days on Wednesday. I can breathe better, still can't eat, but sure thinking about it. I haven't eaten since Saturday--hope to force lunch down somehow today. We spoke at length last night via the phone and I am feeling like some of it is my fault. Our sex life after our 2nd kid completely stopped, neither party made that first move, me especially didn't touch her or make her feel wanted, not that I or she didn't want sex, but we/I just didn't know how to or what to do. She says that's not her excuse for what she did, but she sure seems to keep coming back to that issue and I just don't think you should ever go outside the marriage and do what she did. Had we gotten help or counseling a while back then maybe this would not hve happen. She wants to work it out and I'm willing to try. I feel like I'm being walked over if I say let's work this out and I feel like I have been manipulated so bad and yet she had all the fun, the thrill, etc. Not that I want anything like that, but I just don't think she's remorse enough about it. I told one friend when I took her iPhone out of anger and threw it in the water that she jumped up and scratched my arm and was fighting for iPod and Ijust feel like she's not fighting for me even though she says she wants to make this work. I don't hear the words "i'll do whatever it takes to make this work" so I'm better today, she's still out of the house, but probably coming home next day or two. I had to go through all her clothes, closets everything today to just make sure I wasn't going to find anything else. I don't want any more surprises.
Thanks for listening guys and girl!!

gotcaught, what bugs me about this story is that your wife is not showing any remorse. I have been in the same situation where my husband cheated on me when we were engaged. It was a terrible time for me so I can definitely relate. What I have seen is that people only show remorse or fight to get you back only if you are showing disinteresting in working things out. When my then fiancé cheated on me, at first I showed him I was eager to work it out and he was not showing much remorse and was reluctant to seek help etc. After a week I got fed up and I told him it was over and I did not want to work things out with him. I gave him back his ring and just moved on with my life. It was only after I did that he realized that depth of what he had done, he did everything to show he was sorry after that. He wrote me letters (because I changed my phone #) telling me how much he regretted what he did and how he was miserable without me. So I think your wife is taking for granted the fact that you are willing to forgive her. I guess it is human nature. Your situation is different though because you are married and you have children. You just need to make your wife realize some how the magnitude of what she did. She needs to experience some kind of negative consequence of her actions.
With that said though divorce is not the best option in most cases. It sound like your wife is willing to seek help so that's good. I know it hurts now but you will be better off in the long run if you forgive your wife and keep your family together. Divorce will just extend the heart ache and pain for many years. This is just a rough time in your marriage and you will get through it. I am glad I forgave my husband because we have a happy marriage now. Sometime I think of what he did but I try not to dwell on it. Each day that passes the affair becomes more and more of a distant memory. So you will get through it!

Great post, thank you. I was really searching for a success story and you gave me one. I was wondering how many marriages really make it after this type of an incident? If anyone knows that statistic, I'd love to hear it.
Both of us are willing to go to therapy. My wife feels and says she's really sorry and she has hurt a lot of people. Because this guy and his wife are all friends of a small nucleus of friends (say 20 couples) who we all hang out together on holidays and allow the opportunity for our children to play. Now she has lost trust with all of those wives and has crossed a line that should never happen. She says she's really sorry, but boy not sure what I need, but I need something more.
One suggested I meet up with the wife of the husband who did this to my wife and record a video of her and me having sex and send it to them?? Just kidding, trying to bring back some of my humor.
Thanks everyone!

Both of us are willing to go to therapy

As long as you willing to keep working together, to solve your problems, there is always hope. Just be patient, as you go through the process. No obstacle is to big if you keep the goal in site.

It doesn't sound to me like she is remorseful either.
*She got more upset about the phone, what if you had been ready to tell her you wanted a divorce right then?
That wasn't her concern the phone which is her connection to the other guys WAS.
*she continued to lie to you over a period after you knew what was up
*she isn't saying she will do whatever it takes
*she moved to her parents instead of sticking by your side
*she isn't there for you emotionally
*she seems to be thinking of herself
*who knows she may have moved there so she could still be in contact with them
*she may be more concerned about 'where she will go' 'what would she do if you split up'
More than wanting to stay 'for the relationship' TRANSLATION: convenience and not wanting to give up her family lifestyle she is accustomed to.

IF you try to work it out keep her 'on a short leash' and don't trust her until she proves she wants the entire relationship fixed all the way back to where you say you both stopped showing any interest after your second kid.

IF I were her and truly wanted to make it work, I would be by your side doing everything under the sun to make up for what I did. I don't see it with what you are saying.

She is possibly more remorseful over the fact that she got caught.

I wish you both get the help you need, to get to the real roots of your problem. It may take a while to get there. A long while.

I think he said she is sorry and she is willing to work things out and seek help. I think at this point that's all that matters. Forgiveness is very liberating because it helps you move on and sleep better at night. Just work through it. It is hard now but when you are an old man and you have your wife, children and grandchildren beside you, you will be more content with life than letting something like this destroy the future and unity of your family. As long as she sorry and promises never to betray you again, then you can work through this tough time. Divorce will prolong the pain for you and it will also affect your children for the rest of their lives.

Another night has went by, it's not any easier to understand or accept and I think I keep asking myself for some justification for what she did. We've conversed on many different topics of our years past and there are definitely some things that have bothered her with the fact she wasn't getting the attention (telling her how pretty she was, etc.) and not being sexually involved with her for a period after our 2nd kids. She says, we needed help a long time ago and I never did anything about it. I agree, probably should have sought help, just never thought one of us would stray outside the marriage to find the pretty stuff she was looking for. I'm a fault for not making her feel pretty. I just think she is simply 33 and I'm 41 and our kids are 3 and 5 and she had started back at the gym and getting her figure back, she started dressing nicer, getting looks I'm sure and all of a sudden this casual yet fun sexting thing started. Most definitely inappropriately and she kept it from me and hid it and kept doing it and doing it and then all of a sudden the texting was so much fun that they decided to have oral sex 4 times in 7 day period. To me it was a very new, exciting, secretive, fun event for her and she was so selfish she never thought about the results of getting caught or the pain she is causing to me, kids and all of our friends. Frankly and lately, she hasn't paid attention to our kids because she's been so caught up with this iPhone texting and sexting thing. Warning, don't allow your spouse to ever text.

We are both willing to see a counselor, anyone have suggestions on what type of counselor to see? Sex therapist? Not sure of that because our sex life was always good during the innercourse or psychotherpist, psychologist?? Pastor? Thoughts?
Also anyone know of any insurance plans that you can get that will cover counseling?
I feel like we are going to need many sessions and that can get real expensive.
Thanks again.

If you attend a church that is the best option. You can meet with a marriage counselor at a church and it is free! My husband and I had some the same issues where he was not making me feel pretty and not giving me the attention I needed. We went for counseling at our church and it helped us a big deal. He just didn't know that women have that need. Now that he knows, so he makes me feel very beautiful and it gives me confidence in our relationship.
I can relate to your wife because my husband never used to complement me or tell me I was sexy like he used to when we were dating and it frustrated me because I felt very unapprieciated. So when guys gave me attention it I welcomed it because it made me feel good because I was not getting that kind of attention from my mate. I didn't go so far as to start an affair but I can see how it can start from that.
So this may just be awake up call for you to do the work it takes to maintain a healthy marriage relationship. Good luck!

The thought of her cheating may be hard to bear, but it doesn't answer your real problem. Fixing the broken connection between two people. A pastor, or marriage counselor, someone you both trust, can guide you through the process of reconnecting.

Over 11 thousand posts?? Wow-- I think you probably have all my answers. I agree, the cheating hurts and it's wrong and I will always probably come back in my mind remember what events took place---that hurts and it hurts really bad. Getting through our issues of our real problem will be hard, but I'm willing to work on that, for sure. I have a hard time over coming what she did though.

Willing to work together is a very big word. Anyone can be happy, with happy times, but it's the adversity we face, that makes the bonds stronger. There's always hope if two people are willing to work together. If you ask, I will answer if I can.

Getting over the hurt is the hard part. It's like you grabbed a handle of a hot pan and you got burnt. It hurt but in time that pain goes away. But you can't allow the memory of the hot pan to stop you from cooking with the pan again.

In my book nothing justifies someone cheating. When a person unhappy with a relationship physically and/or emotionally he/she should express their unhappiness or leave.

When I posted the question why women cheat? Most women wrote that their husbands weren't paying them enough attention.

People tend to slack off when then get in the marriage. Think back to when you were courting this person. You were flowers, you were candy, you made sure you were showered, wore cologne, you couldn't keep your eyes for of her. Like most men you stop doing these things. That is the worse one of the worse mistakes.

My suggestion to you and all husbands is to behave like you are still courting you wife. Get caught checking her out. Cop feels. I still send my wife inappropriate text messages. I role play with my wife she is also my mistress. I'll text her "My wife is working tonight want to go to out?" When I call the house she will say something “I like I told you not to call me at this number my husband could have been answered.” Then I'll apologize and explain that I had to because I missed her and what to come see her tonight.

The whole goal is to enjoy each other and make each other happy.

Married guy,
What's the title of your book and where can I buy it? I believe you are right on and agree with you 100%. Wives cheat because husbands stop paying attention and they get it somewhere else. That's definitely what happened here.
Getting over the hurt is going to be hard. I hope in time you are correct, the pain will go away.
Thanks!!

Its like any other healing, it takes time, and you have to keep it wrapped in clean bandages, and don't pick at the scab. Also had to spread the rep, but Marriedguy is dead on. What got her, is what you have to do, to keep her. We guys get lazy, after the hunt is over.

So much I have learned or not necessarily learned, but it's how to come to my senses. Even with so much anger and hurt, I'm being convinced that some of this is my fault. I just didn't know how to get her to not do this and lord knows I would have done everything to prevent this if I knew this was 100% for sure going to happen. It's amazing how much you want something when you lose it. I want this one back (the wife), but I have a lot of pain because of what she did.
Let me ask you guys/girl this: My wife is so mad at me for talking to the wife of the husband (who was with my wife) because she thinks she is really not helping our marriage. No doubt about it. This girl hates my wife as much as I hate her husband, but we are both sharing notes with what they are telling us and we are looking that they are both coming clean. Her and I both just want the truth so we can move forward. She also knows how I feel since she's got the same pain as I do. I get the feeling my wife is very very jealeous and that's too bad. I would have never been talking to this girl had nothing ever happned. Any thoughts.

Its really not your fault... its your wife job to communicate the fact that she is not getting the attention she needs. Cheating was not the answer and never is. So say that things you done and didn't may have lead to have cheating but don't blame yourself.

Now, Should you have turn the other cheek, you're asking in other words? I really had to think about this one. Part of me wants to tell you yeah you did the right thing. All is fair in love and war. Eye for an eye. Ring all the bells in his building in a "Goodfellas" type fashion. "There is a whore in your building, her name is..." "She is my wife find your own damn wife."

And then there other part of me thinks of the wife of this dude and question do I want to put her through what I'm going through? Was I telling her because I was concern for her peace of mind or did I tell because I wanted her marriages' foundation rocked?

This is a gray area... initially with the pain and hurt I would have told. You want to reck my home I'm recking yours.

But if sit back an analyze it. I say to myself you and the wife of this dude are innocents in this situation. If I didn't tell her, this would have been for her sake (wife of the dude) not his or my wife. Protect the innocent.

Please don't beat yourself over this.

I just want to say, as a woman who has cheated:

All of you guys that say over and over again that cheating isn't the answer, talk about it--guess what? She probably TRIED. She probably tried a LOT of things to get your attention, short of coming out and saying "you're taking me for granted and I am getting attention elsewhere".

Guess what? Women get attention from guys all the time. If their relationship is healthy, they don't really notice much, because they're too busy thinking about their husbands. However, when their husbands are being neglectful jerks, that little extra attention starts as "harmless", a little flirting, a little innuendo. Then it builds--it's a great high to all of a sudden have a guy look at you like you're cheesecake, and he's starving! ESPECIALLY if you've tried unsuccessfully to explain that concept to your husband.

Women don't set out to cheat--I doubt men do either, really. It just... happens. And it usually happens in stages, little baby innocent steps until all of a sudden you're doubting everythign in your life. But that guy, the one that makes you feel good, the one that reaffirms that you're sexy, and desirable--it's hard to walk away from that, when he makes you feel GOOD, and your husband makes you feel neglected, and now, guilty.

Yes, it's a lot of work to fix things. A counselor will help. Your wife probably DOES regret it, more than anything, but has no idea how to express that to you without you pushing her away, or making the appearance of it.

One thing I can tell you that HAS to happen: You MUST forgive her, and even if you don't forget--you can NEVER bring it up again once you've moved past it. Hash it out with her NOW, in counseling--do not EVER bring it up again in the future. You have to be able to let it go, because if you don't, it will be a slow poison to your relationship. She, in the meantime, has to work on getting your trust back, and making allowances for the fact that she lost it, and now needs to regain it.

Good luck. Your relationship will be stronger if you make it through this--but it's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of work.

Well,
It's the one week anniversary when I caught the phone bills and knew something was up.
At least I'm sleeping somewhat and I ate lunch a few minutes ago. I had a really hard night last night as I was talking to my daughter and she said "daddy why don't you want me to come home". It killed me to hear that, tore me up. Of course I want her home, not sure how she's picking that up, but the wife and I have spoken this morning and the wife & kids are coming back into the house tomorrow and I hope I can be rational and handle myself. The wife and I are both concerned about that. I know at some point I will stop probing and asking why, where, how and all the crap that for some reason I just have to know and once I get through this part the healing will start. It's like someone said here, I can't keep picking at the scab, but in my mind the wound is open and has not started healing or scabbing up yet.
Any suggestons---we both want to be in the same house for the "family" and hope to work through this. Suggestions on how her and I can communicate or say or do when we first see each other again. The last time I saw her is when I set in the counseling room this past Monday and she told me about the oral sex and that's the last memory I have of my wife---That hurts!
Thanks for your help.

I know what you shouldn't do. No matter the inner turmoil, do Not let it affect your best behavior, and losing your temper, at what she may say, or do is out of the question. Maintain full self control. Let the emotional dust continue to settle. Look, she knows she's so wrong, but you beating her over the head with it, will do no good at all. So don't do it. Compounding her mistakes with yours, only makes things worse. Be great if you could be nice, and a good listener, if she wants to talk, as listening, requires no comment. You must both help each other, to heal those fresh open wounds.So don't push for answers, she doesn't have, don't even try to understand, just be nice. Let time work for you.

Okay... one thing here.

You do NOT need to know the how, when, where. You think you do, but you don't. Accept that it happened, and stop digging deeper for details. I mean seriously... are details really going to help you?

As far as communication goes---try to avoid using anything hurtful. Seriously THINK about everything you say. EVERYTHING. No snide comments, no backhanded remarks. Same goes for her.

Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. "I feel angry and hurt that this happened" not "You cheating makes me mad!" BOTH of you need to try not to lay blame, but to understand each other.

You need to continue to see the counselor. And don't try to be "normal" for your kids. Kids are more perceptive than people think, and they know something's wrong. Let them know that mom and dad are having some problems, but that it has NOTHING to do with them. Make sure you both reassure the kids that you love them a lot, and that sometimes people fight and are unhappy with each other.

Try not to get irritated about the little things right now. Who cares if the dishes aren't done, or the laundry not folded, or your keys aren't hanging where you left them? Those are small potatoes right now, and you should take a deep breath and let the small potatoes go, at least for right now.

That all being said--try to be somewhat normal, even though things aren't normal. Sit down with each other, no kids, and discuss the ground rules for living together until you've resolved what to do---who sleeps where, who is in charge of what jobs, etc.

Good luck. It sounds like you really want to resolve this, and that's a big hurdle right there.

@ Synnan I have to diagree some what on post above. I'm well aware that there are husbands/wives that don't set out to cheat. Wake up one day... get dress and say to themselve on going to find myself a person to full fill what my spouse is lacking. Its normally happens in phases. As a wife or husband it is your responsibility to stop it at phrase 1.

Second, the communication is not only verbal. If you are not getting through to your spouse try other means. If I come home to note that read "I really needed your attention, but I'm not getting it and we spoke about it but you dont listen so I'm staying at my mothers for awhile" That's a wake up call.

Let me give a quick example: Two people get together.. the wife loves oral and the husband hates it. The husband made a pack with the devil and he can't perform oral. In my opinion the wife has two choices... 1) Accept that if being with this man oral is out of the question and learn to live without. 2) Decide that this man doesn't meet her needs and divorce.

Cheating is like kicking your marriage when its down. Now to repair you have to get over the cheating issue, trust issue, the feeling being betrayed issue, and to throw salt on the wound the lack of attention.

I tried talking.

I tried sexy lingerie (there's nothing more damaging to a self esteem than laying in bed waiting for him to come "after 10 minutes" and falling asleep crying, in your new sexy lingerie that you paraded in front of him in, and it wasn't enough to get his full attention)

I tried leaving for a week to my mother's because things weren't working.

I tried the note thing, the card thing, the bulletin board thing, and the not being home on time so that you worry thing.

I literally tried EVERYTHING I could think of. It was not enough. I didn't plan on cheating, and I'm not exactly proud of it---but it DID turn our relationship around.

I've never done anything again to break the trust he has in me. He's never again taken me for granted.

Synnen,
My wife did everything you said except the lingerie. My wife tried to talk to me about it, but it just didn't compute or translate. I'm a physical guy and if only if she would have just grabbed me and started rubbing me then things would have happened. I know it takes two. I didn't communicate to her about it at all and I didn't do anything physical to her. So in my mind she at least communicated, but we both failed to get what we wanted and now look at us.
I'm curious how long ago was it when you did wrong and what changes did you make or did he ask for to get that trust back? I really think her and I can do it, but it's going to be really hard to stop thinking about it.

It was 8 years ago, and it literally became me understanding every time he questioned me, I had to be completely honest, and understand WHY he was asking.

He had to pay attention to me without me asking for it. You'd be surprised how far "The kitchen looks great, hon, and I love what you did with the living room" goes. Saying thanks for cleaning, saying thanks for anything either of you does with the kids. (all of this advice goes both ways, by the way--she has to be grateful for YOUR contributions to your relationship, too!).

The biggest thing was that once we hashed out the cheating thing--it HAD to be left in the past. I knew I had to earn his trust again, but him going overboard jealous wasn't going to fix anything either. It can't be brought up in future fights, it can't be held over her head--it HAS to be like it never happened.

Except it did, and you both know it. And it's in the back of both of your heads all the time as a consequence of actions taken and not taken, and what was nearly lost because of it.

It's a constant appreciation of each other. Yeah, you'll both have days where you NEED to take your relationship for granted --that's part of love, being able to rely on each other without words. But... never to the extent that you EXPECT them to just--be there for you again, without showing your gratitude for it.

We both do more of the little stuff now to stay connected--love notes in the microwave, email messages just to say I'm thinking of you, naughty little texts to each other, flowers for no reason but that it's Tuesday.

We also instituted "date night". Granted, this is pretty easy for us, because we have no kids. We don't always go out--sometimes it's watching TV together, sometimes it's a night at the casino, sometimes it's a walk through the park over to get ice cream at the shop a few blocks away. Sometimes it's the two of us reading different books, but curled up on opposite ends of the couch so that we're touching. Date night isn't about romance, necessarily--it's about staying connected. We have some of the "hard talks" on date night--hopes not being met, disappointments we had with each other, that sort of thing. But it's always about "us"

The biggest, HUGEST thing though is this: You can NOT be afraid to talk to your wife about your lives together. Even if the talk hurts her feelings, better to have hurt feelings for a short time, than broken hearts for a lifetime. Same goes for her. And you have to remember when the other is saying something to LISTEN. It's not about making excuses, or having an answer, or YOUR hurt feelings--it's about the other person making a statement that's hard to make, because they love you and don't want to hurt you. You have to be able to talk about anythign with each other, and that means you have to be able to say the bad stuff too.

Everyone,
Thanks for listening and being there. This support forum is very good and very helpful.
Today is the day my wife will be back with our two children. They'll probably show up around 3:00 today. I'm nerveous as heck, pacing the floor and making sure there is nothing in the house that reminds me of those events that took place. Call me crazy or what, but I threw out clothes that I knew she wore on those days that things took place. I don't want to ever be reminded of those events, sorry it just hurts too bad. I also threw away things that I always felt were not appropriate to wear when she was not around me. I know I can't take everything out of her life, but I am willing to start over and buy her things. She was going behind my back for many months, getting things to wear on trips or to go out with other friends. Maybe she can say she bought them to look pretty for me, but I would never buy it cause she always wanted to go dancing and hang out with her boss at work and in my mind was a heavy influence on her lifestyle change for the worse.
So as I attempt to take this next venture in my life and we begin marriage counseling tomorrow---I hope to God we can come together and be a great family because the next few days, weeks, months are going to be the most trying times in my life. I hope you will continue to support and throw out suggestions.
Thanks

Oh and by the way.
I shared to my wife that I was chatting on this board and initially she thought this was not going to fix our marriage, but she was able to find this chat board and she's been reading so just an fyi. I don't mind her reading at all, she can always log in as well. So be careful, the wife is reading.. :)
Thanks

That would be great, as she can benefit from see what you wrote and we can get insight that you couldn't express.

You not crazy.. before my marriage separation we had a disagreement. She wanted to get a belly ring. I felt it was inapporiate she didn't. This disagreement ended with her getting the belly ring regardless on how I felt. Then we got back together and the belly was still an issue (which I didn't bring up) and it was constant reminder of her rebellion stage. I just ignored it. Then she got pregnant then removed the bellyring and when she had the ability put it back in.. she just didn't.

Marriage is give and take..

The wife is back home. Got home yesterday evening around 3:00 and for the most part it went well. I tried not to dig into it, but Idid a little. It was wonderful to see the kids as we played outside and enjoyed the evening and actually had a good family dinner. After the kids went to sleep around 8:00 m wife and I set on the couch away from each other yet our feet were still touching. We talked about it what she did and some other things of our past and it sucks that she did what she did. I can't accept anything for what she did. But all and all our night went well. It's weird I wanted to make love to my wife last night, but she said no and I for some reason as much as I enjoy being with her have to agree, but just weird that I would even want to do that to make love?? She says we need to communicate better and love each other first before sex?? I'm confused. I'm a guy who has sex first and then I'll talk, probably like most guys. I can't believe I even want to have sex with her after what she did to me. So any way went to sleep and I woke up and the first thing I think of is her going down on this other man and it just tears me that's all I could say to her and it sucks cause I'm having a hard time getting over what she did and I probably never will. We have our first real counseling session at 2:00 today. She's taking the kids to school this morning, has quit work and I don't even trust her to just take the kids to school, who knows where she'll go or try to do, that's horrible.
That's the update. Thanks for listening!

How are things going? Well?

Hi everyone. I'm the wife. I have been wanting to chime in but didn't know how or where to start. I didn't want anyone to think I was trying to state my case. I know what I did was wrong and I regret how I have hurt the one person I love the most. First off, thanks for all of your support to my husband, it's been a tough couple weeks for us. We are both trying to stay positive and we are both excited to be in counseling. I really want us to be a success story like a couple others that have put in their stories and advice. Like my husband mentioned we have been having problems for awhile now but I really want to reconnect and communicate and be better than ever. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to earn his trust back but I am a fighter and I rarely lose so we should be on the right track! So, at risk of pleading my case I do have a question. It's coming, I promise. My husband is right when he says I have been distracted for the past 6 months. Not with other men, just distracted from my home life. Escaping to work, out with girlfriends, short trips here and there. All of which had nothing to do with other men. I have been totally honest with my husband since all of this and I am being honest now. During this period I got my second tattoo. I have had my first tattoo since I was 18 (college) and I have been planning my second for over a year. My husband has never been a fan of tattoos and it was a big issue when I got it back in December. He threatened to divorce me if I didn't remove it. I knew he was not a fan but never thought I'd get an ultimatum like that. He agreed to give it some time. Then this past month came about and we are back to him taking me to a tattoo removal place for a consultation. We are on opposite sides of the fence about tattoos. I do not see them as trashy, ugly, or a bad influence on our children... as he does. My tattoo means a lot to me, it symbolizes my family and my passion. (I am a doula, for those of you who do no know what that is... I assist women and their partners in childbirth, I am a professional childbirth assistant). So my tattoo has that meaning as well as the first letter of both of my girls names on it. My husband has never asked about the meaning so he still does not know. The tattoo is a lotus flower which symbolizes purity, rebirth, strength, in my mind it was to symbolize me. It sits atop water which represents my husband, without the water for support the lotus does not survive, then there are the seeds which represent all of the women and babies I have assisted in bringing into this world and two seeds that stick out are the ones with my girls letters in them. So with recent events he feels it's all a lie, where I see it as hope. I am that person, I lost my way, but I am that person. I love my family, I love my husband. I feel like him wanting me to do this is an emotional reaction to what has happened and not rational. He wants me to say that I will do anything to fix what has happened but I don't think removing my tattoo is what is going to fix this. I am really torn, this tattoo has nothing to do with my distractions and me being pulled away from my family. It's what reminds me of their importance and it really is just my expression of this. I am not ready to make such a rash decision on this and hope that he is patient so we can seek counseling on this as well. So I put it out there to you all, what do you think?

ps the tattoo is high on my neck and can be covered with my hair, just fyi.

Thanks for listening,
the wife.

I think ultimatums are bad, in general.

The tattoo is part of who you are. When you talk about what it means to you, I think you have every right to have it there.

I don't think the tattoo has anything to do with your current problems, and bringing it up is bringing up the things that LED to your current problems.

Should you keep it or remove it to save your marriage? I don't know. Only you and your husband can decide that, together.

That's something that NEEDS to come out in counseling. The little things that drive you apart are going to feel needle sharp right now, and you need to decide TOGETHER how to go forward.

I would love to see the tattoo it sounds really neat. (Pic and upload it to the site?? :D)
Maybe that can be a topic at counseling. It does seem rash to make a snap decision while you are in the middle of more serious issues. Your husband is dealing with too many other things that have hurt him so I think he should pick his battles and leave that for another time after things cool down and you both know your marriage is going to make it.
In the meantime it is good to know that you DO want to make the marriage work as well as he does so that is the majority of the battle and now you have to work out the details and find the love and spark to make it stick.

Maybe this will help your husband understand your tattoo.

Buddhist Symbols: Symbol of the Lotus (http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/history/b_lotus.htm)

Lotus flower (http://www.ka-gold-jewelry.com/p-articles/lotus-flower.php)

The Meaning and Symbolism Behind the Lotus Flower Tattoo (http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Meaning-and-Symbolism-Behind-the-Lotus-Flower-Tattoo&id=95396)

DONA International – What is a doula? (http://www.dona.org/mothers/index.php)

Gotcaught:

Sorry about your situation. I have had an affair and my wife has also cheated on me. This was 3 years ago. We are still together. We have children. It is still hard for us at times. It sounds trite, but the only thing that has kept us together and will keep you together is if, after you have taken time to re-evaluate how you feel about each other, you find that deep down you BOTH still love each other. That definitely means FORGIVING, though that will take time.

If only one of you works at this, forget it. If there is no forgiveness, forget it.

There is no exscuse for cheating. I did for purely selfish reasons. Yes, she could have paid more attention to me blah blah blah, but in the end it was my stupid choice. It starts small and then... the cheater, I, did the wrong thing.

The whole wanting to have sex thing even though they've cheated. Felt the same thing. Wanted to feel wanted, to prove myself in that area.

Regarding the wife of the cheater. It is already done. I would be careful, you are both vulnerable. You're both hurt and have common ground.

The tattoo thing. Let it go. It is small compared to what your facing now. Let her express herself.

It is possible to get get better. It will take time and it will be very hard.
She has to regain your trust. Both will have to avoid bringing up the past, criticism, and blame.

Counseling is good. What has helped me is prayer and good supportive friends that listen and stay away from the negativity about the whole situation.

God bless.

Time, time, time, and more time. The tattoo is yours, and yours only, and given what it means, is a non issue. You both have issues, and so glad your in counseling, to guide you through the process of expressing, and dealing with your feelings, and help you to establish boundaries, as to solve resentments, and arguments. This didn't just happen over night, and your cure will not be swift, as now is the time for patients, and hard working, and forgive each other, and your yourselves. Rules must be established, as learning to let go, is at the very top of the list. Sometimes shutting up, and thinking before speaking, is the tool to use, because you can't really take back hurtful words, in the heat of an argument. That you are both willing to work at this, is a great sign, and will be the basis of rebuilding a crumbled foundation, to move forward with. Just be patient, and listen, as you learn, as that will be what brings you back together. Knowing you have heard each other. You have alluded to questions you have. Can I ask what they are?

My question was about the tattoo issue. I needed to hear some thoughts, and I thank you all who have responded. I just don't want to hurt him any more than I have, I love him dearly. I just want to make sure we don't make crazy decisions that we or I will regret later or resent him for. But I don't want him for a second to think I don't want this to work, I do.

Besides him putting the tattoo issue aside
I think the best thing the TWO of you can do is
Use this as a rule of thumb to work it out
Every morning ask yourself (him too) what can I do
"in the best interest of my spouse today?"

Yes, I think the tattoo issue is a smoke screen, for a larger issue.

Thanks for all the support and help everyone, we are off to counseling on Monday again! Wish us luck. We really do love each other so much, I am excited to get my best friend back! We will be a success story!

The tattoo, must go. In my mind it reminds me of a time when she was out running around and being very selfish with her acations. The tatttoo if it had true meaning, she would not have done what she did. She knows and has known for many years how I feel about tattoos on my wife. Yes I married her with one, but I knew that going into this marriage. I told her from the day one when she discussed getting the tatto that I did not like them and I did not want them in our house. Not what I want. Yes, it's her body, but I married her for her beauty and the tatto is not beautiful to me. My thoughts if you want this artwork, put it on a picture and hang it on the wall, not on your back where the world can see it. Her hair does not cover it and she'll never be able to wear the hair up again.
I know others may think I am wrong, but I am stern on this and will not bend. Yes, our marriage is first and foremost, but my wife over the last 6 months was someone I didn't even know and our kids didn't even know. This tatto reminds me of the last 6 months and my wife's selfish wasy of doing things without discussing the long term effects of the situation.
Other than that, our marriage or issues are going OK, good 1/2 days and bad 1/2 days. I try to live one hour at a time. My wife and counselor both told me to get off this forum last week and I did just that. This will be my last statement.
I needed you all in a big big way when I first heard about what my wife did to me and the family and our friends, but now I must move on and say a big THANK YOU for all your help and kinds words. Thanks and best of luck to all of you.

My question was about the tattoo issue. I needed to hear some thoughts, and I thank you all who have responded. I just don't want to hurt him any more than I have, I love him dearly. I just want to make sure we don't make crazy decisions that we or I will regret later or resent him for. But I don't want him for a second to think I don't want this to work, I do.

I am afriad I agree with gotcaught on this issue. The tattoo was a rebelion against your husband and every time he sees it, it is going to remind him of this time in your life.
He told you he did not like tatoos but you still went and got one. Why would you do that?
To me the whole story of it symbolizing your family sounds like an excuse.

You got this tattoo during the time you were distancing yourself from your family and having sexual encounters with another man. Of course your husband is going to hate the tattoo! What do you expect?
You should accually be rejoicing that your husband has chosen to work things out because a lot of people will not put up with infidelity.
So if you are really sorry about what you did and you love your Husband and family, I would suggest you remove that tattoo. That is the least you can do to help your husband get over the betrayal.
Besides tatoos on the neck are kind of trashy.. sorry that's just my opinion. :)

... My wife and counselor both told me to get off this forum last week and I did just that. This will be my last statement.
I needed you all in a big big way when I first heard about what my wife did to me and the family and our friends, but now I must move on and say a big THANK YOU for all your help and kinds words. Thanks and best of luck to all of you.

One thing I didn't see anyone post is... take a step back, and go on a vacation together. Getting away can do wonders to a relationship if the two of you are willing to try to get past the hurt. Sorry if this sounds shallow but it can truly help. And take the kids too! It is a family vacation and when it comes down to it... its all about family.

Hi. I just joined and was wondering if you still wanted to discuss this ? I know what you are going through.

My question was about the tattoo issue. I needed to hear some thoughts, and I thank you all who have responded. I just don't want to hurt him any more than I have, I love him dearly. I just want to make sure we don't make crazy decisions that we or I will regret later or resent him for. But I don't want him for a second to think I don't want this to work, I do.

Honestly... your husband said you were 33. I think you should really just grow up.

Tattoos are nice, but in a few years when your skin starts to get wrinkly and lose its elasticity, your tattoo will likely appear shriveled, much like a wilting rose.

Please be considerate and sensitive to your husband's needs. I hope you'll have to heart to stop engaging other men in any oral activities. I would never dare to cheat on my partner - you better believe it.

One thing I didnt see anyone post is...take a step back, and go on a vacation together. Getting away can do wonders to a relationship if the two of you are willing to try to get past the hurt. Sorry if this sounds shallow but it can truly help. And take the kids too! It is a family vacation and when it comes down to it...its all about family.

Just make sure that you go to an isolated island with as few people as possible -- such as the movie "Cast Away."

If you and your wife head to a resort, the abundance of other men around will only increase the risk of her repeating her behavior or engaging other men in oral sex. Just setting yourself up for another episode of heartache and pain.

Good luck.

Thanks for all the support and help everyone, we are off to counseling on Monday again! Wish us luck. We really do love each other so much, I am excited to get my best friend back! We will be a success story!

I sure hope so...

Observer... this thread is old.

The OP stated he would not be back to check answers on March 10, 2008.

Continue to answer, if you must, but be aware that you're probably not ever going to be read by the original poster.

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