I'm planning on marrying a nice man liked by everyone. He is a good man, but my dad refuses to meet him and has set a rule that I have to set an appointment in three months so that he can visit and ask me in marriage. It is part of our culture to ask for permission, regardless of age (I'm turning 34). I'm trying to do everything right. But, he get's angry---what? Did I say angry? He gets furious. He has always had a bad temper, often getting physical with people, including me at the age of 19. He has a narcissistic personality with obsessive compulsive. My mom is very passive. She is a victim too. He has abused of all of us siblings, but in particular of the two in the middle (my brother and I). My little sister got divorced last year and was abused by her husband. My dad says that he thinks the same thing will happen to me. Please help me understand. I have always been afraid of him, since I was a child. He was being real nice to me about six months ago. Then he had an episode where he got lost for hours just a few blocks from where he works. He is 74. The problem now is that he says that I told him I had broken up with my boyfriend. I never told him that and I'm very happy with my boyfriend, we hardly ever fight. We discuss things, I tell him how I feel. We have a very good relationship. Can alzheimers cause him to imagine things? Any feedback, experience, or opinions are greatly appreciated.

Hi Sweetheart :)

Does he have Alzheimers? If he does, then yes it can. My Father-in-law had Alzheimers.
The best way and easist way, if indeed Dad does have it, is to live in the moment they are in, and don't fight against it.

Wherever Pops was, that where I was. He didn't know me from Adam at the end, and that was okay. And when I went along with him, there was a peace about him,

When you start to question them, the may get scared inside and wonder, am I losing it, and could also become confrontational. So, it's best to live in the moment they are living in.

If he does have this disease, please don't take his angry or hurtful words to heart and please above all else, do not let this hurt your wedding or upcoming marriage.

I am so sorry to you and Mom for the past abuse.

I will keep all of you in my thoughts, and if you ever need an ear, I do have two.

It's a hard a difficult road, but not an impossible to travel.

Yes, sometimes they can become combative. Check and see if there are some support groups in your area just to help take some of the strain off you, and help you to understand his disease.

My heart is right there with you. My mother-in-law used to get so upset at him because he kept referring to her as his mother... and they were married 50 years.

For the longest time he kept his robe and slippers in a brown bag by his chair, because he was "going home" even though he was already.

Someone recommended to us to have a deadbolt lock on the inside so He couldn't go out on his own.

Anytime you need to chat... I am right here.

Yes, this is very common, and will most likely get worst.

Yes, Alzheimers, sadly is a progressive disease. Now with Pops, once he started the meds, the bouts of aggression were gone. Thankfully. There may be some periods of paranoia (someone taking his money - when no one is), but that stage didn't last too long.
Eventually, he just went into his very own special part of the world, and wherever he was, if it was 20 years ago, there I was.

I tried to also keep in mind, that there may be a little bit of him still "inside", so you want to be sure and remember that as well.

To let them know they are forgetting, or to try and convince them they are wrong, even if they are, will only result in you getting frustrated and Dad becoming more confused and upset.

My heart is with you. This can also be a special time to just love all the different parts that now appear from Dad.

With all that said, be sure and not to put too much pressure on yourself in trying to be "perfect". Your heart is in the right place and that is all that you need to worry about.

Dad was a bit of a handful in the past and may have had some sort of illness back then to make him behave that way. Be sure and not take it all on. Some of it you can try and nuture but know when to pull back, when it becomes to unhealthy for you and Mom.

Give Mom a hug - she needs and deserves one and so do you.

Saying a special one for you today.

Allheart

Thank You! I don't see them often. I moved about 150 miles away from my dad to avoid his abusive behavior. I have bad memories of him as well as good ones. After all he is my father and gave me life. I understand he is sick, he was sick before. I talked to my brother and he is going through some rough time with him. About 12 years ago he got physical with my sister in law. It took years, but she was finally visiting and being part of the family. But, my dad kept making her life miserable, always insulting her and ignoring her. She is not a sweet pumpkin, but she is human. My dads' brothers and sisters will not talk to him due to the numerous fights he's had with them. Only his little sister visits him when she is in town (like twice or three times/yr). My brother is deeply hurt that his wife will no longer join him to visit my parents and he is hurt that my father wants to kick me and my boyfriend's family if we don't follow his silly rules. The alzheimers is just making him worst, but this is nothing new. His behavior has always been bizarre. Here I am, a good daughter, who never gets in trouble, who helps him, who always respects him out of fear and love. It's a mixture of feelings piled up. I told my mom yesterday that I would pray so much. I believe in prayer. People always address the ungratitude of children, and keep a low profile on parents ungratefullness. I know parents that are up at night dead worried about their children. I tried my best to make him happy despite of all the mistreatment from him. Now, he can't let me be happy. This site is like my diary. Thank you for listening. I feel better after writing my feelings.