I will be fifty this year and feel frightened when I think about it. I´m single and have one daughter who lives elsewhere and is not speaking to me.

I feel there are so many goals I haven´t reached, both professionally and personally it makes me sad.

Seven years ago I was living abroad and had an esteemed profession. I was forced to move back to my country because I was transferred. My life hit an all time low and I got really depressed. I changed my job and took another which was less demanding and lived in an isolated, small town.

I saw a psychologist and got medication for my depression. The first three or four years were awful and I felt frightened about almost everything. Financial difficulties and loneliness just about killed me. My job is boring and there is no fulfillment in it.

I need to make some changes. I don´t feel strong enough though. One thing I have done is joining a gym.

I fear I won´t meet any man, because I haven´t been able to in the past seven years, and I fear I won´t have enough energy to find a new job. I feel I have wasted my time.

Please help and give me some advice.

Violet

Get out there and live life. Join some groups, work on YOU and don't worry about meeting a man. Join some social groups, reading groups, hobby groups... take some classes either at a college of a community adult education program... take up some new hobbies... live life...

If you're feeling depressed, get an evaluation and consider medication...

You can always reach your goals... it's never too late... but start now!!

Thanks, Susan!

So happy to get a reply.

It´s easier said than done since I work from home and rarely see people since I took that job seven years ago. My work hours are from noon till midnight so the only free time I have is from midnight until 2 AM.

I´ve tried to change my job for two years and I believe that might be my first step. I feel sick with fear when I think about it, but I have an appointment with a job counsellor next week.

I belong to one social group, but was sexually harassed by an elderly man. I cannot quit the group since I have a chance to get a new position by staying there. The harassment has stopped since I notified the police and women´s aid, but he won´t leave the group and it makes me sick to meet him.

I feel I have to change so many things... I love your feedback.

Violet

You can do it Violet. You can... are there things you could do in the mornings or on the weekend? What do you like to do? When I was single I studied languages and saved my money to travel, joined hobby groups, reading groups, lots of different things.

You can do this!!

I am in the same boat. I am still transitioning from when my kids left a few years ago.

I have nothing but a small apartment and a broke down vehicle. I wasn't able to find a job in over 8 years. I get feeling like you but for the most part I look at it as a time that I can recreate myself. I study things I am interested in like improving health and anti-aging, where I am and where I want to get to. I am trying to sell a lot of my things because I feel they hold me back somewhat. Like I would love to work, fix my van and save enough to move to Arizona but then I think 'what to do with all my stuff'. Personally, I feel people get tied to stuff. 1800-got junk motto is you are what you can not get rid of.

So basically get down to basics and recreate yourself. You are at a good time of your life and your future is determined by the decisions you make right now.

You are better focusing on yourself and direction right now because right now if you met a guy he could influence your decisions in a way that holds you back.
If you follow your heart you just might run into the right guy IN the journey

Susan,

Thanks! This is so helpful and optimistic. I know I can change, but it will be complicated. I feel I´m willing to do a lot to change the quality of my life.

Right now, and I´m not proud of myself, I spend my free time sleeping or working out at the gym. I´ve been sick with a cold lately, so I haven´t been able to go to the gym. I watch old TV programs on my couch with my two cats - trademark for a spinster - and sleep or clean the house. I haven´t got time for anything else.

I´m maybe suffering from a bereavement - my father passed away two months ago and I have lots of renovation to do at my house.

NoHelp, I´m so glad to meet some one in my position! I think we could both do with a change. I´m not happy with my place either and it´s overstuffed LOL. I tend to buy stuff when I feel lousy. I´m in the process of giving most of it away.

I do go on vacations though. I went alone last year and it was terrible. Couples only - I felt I was from a different planet. This time I´m taking a friend with me.

Somehow, by joining this Help Desk, I believe there is a way to change all this. I can be very determined when I decide to be and I´m sure you can do it too. Thanks for saying that I´m at a good age to do the change. I feel fifty is such a dead-end. I finally see I´m aging and I feel bad about it.

I will try to focus on myself rather than some guy, but it scares me. I did that for seven years and met only two men. One was a no go and the other was the elderly man who harassed me. Hopefully things will be differently this time.

I do hope you can move to Arizona, NoHelp. I know life can change in a new place. You have a goal, it´s great!

Violet

I have been giving most my stuff away too.

I look back on the past seven years and separated
N0 guy in life 2 years
Couple months boyfriend
N0 guy in life 1 year
2 years boyfriend
N0 guy in life 2 years
2 months boyfriend
Last 6 months N0 guy

The guys always turned out being the opposite of what they claimed and held me back or even set me back.

My alone years were more goal oriented, peaceful, nobody to tell me I can't do that, etc...

Violet: I wrote a post on my blog called Building a Life of One's Own if you're interested in some ideas! Building A Life Of One's Own « Getting Past Your Past (http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/11/27/building-a-life-of-ones-own/)

Vow, Susan! I´m reading it now.

You definitely have remarkable energy, may I ask how old you were when you did all this?

I wouldn´t know how to begin because of my work load. I have my degrees in my chosen profession - which I can only work at part time - but I´ve always wanted to learn more.

I know I want to take a cooking class, oriental dance class, learn to speak Russian...

There is more, but I´m so tired right now.

NoHelp, I´m breaking down my years to look at my progress or lack of it.

2002 - moved to an isolated place, broke up with my boyfriend, found him in bed with an elderly lady.

2003 - Financial crisis - got all these menial jobs I´m doing right now to pay my debts. Joined AA and Al-Anon.

No boyfriend

2004 - Joined a social club - no boyfriends.

2005 - Got harressed by an old man at the social club. Police, women´s aid, filed charges.
No boyfriends, more work.

2006 - First big travel to the Far East, no boyfriends, more work.

2007 - Moved from the isolated place, no boyfriends. More work. New place.

Violet

Set long term goals and work toward them

In the meantime check with short term goals. See if your community college or YMCA or somewhere offers classes on hobbies
Mine use to offer different evening classes one night a week for 12 weeks art, bird watching, cooking and many others. I don't know if they still do.
Right now I am planning on taking free classes some alternative doctors offer in the summer.

Good idea, NoHelp!

I need to find out about all those things. In the meantime, I woke up feeling ill with a cold. Needless to say, it doesn´t help my crisis right now.

I got the feeling yesterday, when I wrote all this, that I have been waiting for good things to happen, which is what I tend to do if I don´t watch myself. I waited for many years and nothing remarkable happened, of course, because I didn´t do much to bring good changes about.

I know I can achieve most of the things I hope for if I have the strength, but I have very little energy. This is a problem. When I´m down mentally I tend to get colds.

I will keep posting on this and hope you will too. And other people with something more to add, of course.

Violet

Yeah you can't wait---you got to make them happen by getting out and involved in things.