I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".



So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris".
He said "Eurostar?" I said "I've been on telly but I'm
no Dean Martin".



So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".



So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (former World Chess champion) and there
Was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said,
"You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take
that as a condiment".



Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love
With two schoolbags, he's bisatchel?


But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can
Hardly contain myself.



Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
A couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
The other day there was a fire at the factory that
Makes them.



So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK
then", I said, "Nearest to bull starts". He said
"Baa", I said "Moo", he said, "You're closest".



You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
Saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.




The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
Snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift?"



So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
He said, "Those are pickled onions".



So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
Up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck".



But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I
Entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite.. one jar.



Now did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs
In a jar of marmite it would give birth to a litter of twiglets?



So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".



You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,
He's a catholic converter. > > >


So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to
report a nuisance caller" he said "Not you again".


Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch?


So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
Wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

And my personal favourite

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload
Of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".

>

You are right! So bad they are hilarious. Did you get my drift? LOVE it.

Freind4u 178 - I like these, I laughed hard on some of them , good job F.B.E.

I tried not to laugh, I really did. Here's a joke I hope I'm allowed to tell on here:

How do you catch a Bear?

First you dig a deep hole and fill it with ashes. Then you surround the hole with peas.
When the Bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

Uggg... :D

Lmao. Keep them coming.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload
Of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".

Now that right there is funny, I don't care who you are. A turtle disaster... Bwa Ha hA hA!

The other day I was being tailgated by a gentleman driving a Progressive Energy Power Co. truck and I thought, "Man he's full of energy."

A guy runs in to his therapist's office, and yells:
"Doc, you gotta help me! I woke up last night, and I was dreaming I was a teepee! This morning, I was dreaming that I was a wigwam!"
The doctor replies

"Relax! You're two tents!"

Forgive me, Lord. I can't believe I'm doing this... Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. A man tried to get into a restaurant with a formal dress code by wearing his jumper cables around his neck as a tie. The manager was suspicious of the man and said, "I'll be watching you, don't try to start anything here!"