Hey,

Story is I have started a relationship with a girl who I think is great and I want to make a go of things... The trouble I am having is adjusting to things. All the time in my past relationships I have been suspicious of my other half cheating on me and looking at other guys and wishing they were with them instead... In my first relationship I was cheated on and lied to constantly and this created a lot of anger and jealousy in me. I also have people say I am not great looking etc which maked me think that anyone I am with will want better than me.

Anyway... I was at a party with my new girlfriend and her friends and her as welll have said she really likes me and I have treated her better than anyone she has been with... The problem I have is that if we walk in2 a room or public place I worry that there will be a "better looking guy" than me... I know it may sound sad and myself esteem is a major factor.

When at the house party I was in the kitchen talking to her friend, after sometime I realised I hadn't spoke to her in a while I wgot worried in case she was talking to a guy who I seen as a threat... My suspicions were true as I walked into the room and the door was closed over and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first night she met him... later on they were in another room together but this time other people were sitting around them... I am the type of person who reads in2 things too much and always have to make sure I am not getting made a fool of as I am so,so frightened of being hurt.

Believe me this girl is really nice but I can't help but wonder... was she flirting with him ,was she attracted to him or was it just an innocent conversation... Should I trust her, she has been hurt before also.


Sorry for the long post but I really do wonder if I am struggling with a high level of paranoia... I even get a fear of catching a disease and other things that could upset me. I imagine things that culd happen that could hurt me and I feel upset... AM I GOING CRAZY??


PLEASE TALK TO ME AS I FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST

THANKS

Hey,

Story is I have started a relationship with a girl who i think is great and i want to make a go of things....The trouble i am having is adjusting to things. All the time in my past relationships I hvae been suspicious of my other half cheating on me and looking at other guys and wishing they were with them instead......In my first relationship I was cheated on and lied to constantly and this created a lot of anger and jealousy in me. I also have people say i am not great looking etc which maked me think that anyone i am with will want better than me.

Anyway.....I was at a party with my new girlfriend and her friends and her as welll have said she really likes me and i have treated her better than anyone she has been with.....The problem i have is that if we walk in2 a room or public place i worry that there will be a "better looking guy" than me....I know it may sound sad and my self esteem is a major factor.

When at the house party i was in the kitchen talking to her friend, after sometime i realised i hadnt spoke to her in a while i wgot worried in case she was talking to a guy who i seen as a threat.....My suspicions were true as i walked into the room and the door was closed over and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first nite she met him......later on they were in another room together but this time other people were sitting around them.................I am the type of person who reads in2 things too much and always have to make sure i am not gettin made a fool of as i am so,so frightened of being hurt.

Believe me this girl is really nice but i can't help but wonder.....was she flirting with him ,was she attracted to him or was it just an innocent conversation.....Should i trust her, she has been hurt b4 also.


Sorry for the long post but i really do wonder if i am struggling with a high level of paranoia.....I even get a fear of catchin a disease and other things that could upset me. I imagine things that culd happen that could hurt me and i feel upset.....AM I GOING CRAZY?????


PLEASE TALK TO ME AS I FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST

THANKS

Nope, you're highly sensitive and just prone to the same worries and fears as the rest of us. They're accentuated because of your frame of mind, at the moment. And WELL DONE for not acting like the jealous loon when you came across her talking to someone else, considering your history and your admission. You did good - some guys would have lashed out first, then checked out later - when this happens the women hasn't made you look a fool, you've done that yourself. And when a woman messes a good man around, she isn't making him look a fool (unless someone is nasty enough to see it that way and is the type to crow over someone else's misfortune, and you don't want to worry about scumbags like those) but is making herself look a slut, and POS.

Your girl sounds lovely - her friends want her happy and care about her, always a good sign. She's friendly, and sociable. She is with you because she wants to be, because she sees things in your nature and character that she likes. Understand this - good looking guys normally know they're good looking guys and trade on that with some women - but most decent women already know that and don't want to know. They're eye candy, the same as a pretty girl is for some guys, not relationship material. So what if you're not great looking? Are some of these people 'model' looks? Think on this - the time they're wasting in tanning salons, worrying about what they look like - they're not exactly fun, are they? Take them out for a meal and they're a pain in the backside because they're 'worried about their weight'. I think it was Steve Martin who once made the observation - 'you get the face you deserve at 50', and he was right. So, what does this mean? Laughter lines and a ready smile - or deep grooved frown and scowl lines? Or worse still, a state of rictus through plastic surgery trying to keep the years at bay?

Stop putting yourself down, and worrying about the 'other guy'. It's only if you keep going on about it, and especially harking back to the past and what someone else did to you, that you're likely to push someone into another person's arms. What you do, is when you're at a party and you see another guy showing interest, yes of course she may be flattered and maybe flirt a little - but that's it. It's you she's going home with, so you just simply tell her that you saw the guy looking at her, and then you smile at her and tell her that's because she's so beautiful, and you're so proud she's yours, okay? Once you're relaxed in yourself, the rest will fall into place - unless you're smoking dope, in which case, yep, not so good frame of mind can induce paranoia if you're already feeling like this, so be aware of that, as well.

Nope, you're highly sensitive and just prone to the same worries and fears as the rest of us. They're accentuated because of your frame of mind, at the moment. And WELL DONE for not acting like the jealous loon when you came across her talking to someone else, considering your history and your admission. You did good - some guys would have lashed out first, then checked out later - when this happens the women hasn't made you look a fool, you've done that yourself. And when a woman messes a good man around, she isn't making him look a fool (unless someone is nasty enough to see it that way and is the type to crow over someone else's misfortune, and you don't want to worry about scumbags like those) but is making herself look a slut, and POS.

Your girl sounds lovely - her friends want her happy and care about her, always a good sign. She's friendly, and sociable. She is with you because she wants to be, because she sees things in your nature and character that she likes. Understand this - good looking guys normally know they're good looking guys and trade on that with some women - but most decent women already know that and don't want to know. They're eye candy, the same as a pretty girl is for some guys, not relationship material. So what if you're not great looking? Are some of these people 'model' looks? Think on this - the time they're wasting in tanning salons, worrying about what they look like - they're not exactly fun, are they? Take them out for a meal and they're a pain in the backside because they're 'worried about their weight'. I think it was Steve Martin who once made the observation - 'you get the face you deserve at 50', and he was right. So, what does this mean? Laughter lines and a ready smile - or deep grooved frown and scowl lines? Or worse still, a state of rictus through plastic surgery trying to keep the years at bay?

Stop putting yourself down, and worrying about the 'other guy'. It's only if you keep going on about it, and especially harking back to the past and what someone else did to you, that you're likely to push someone into another person's arms. What you do, is when you're at a party and you see another guy showing interest, yes of course she may be flattered and maybe flirt a little - but that's it. It's you she's going home with, so you just simply tell her that you saw the guy looking at her, and then you smile at her and tell her that's because she's so beautiful, and you're so proud she's yours, okay? Once you're relaxed in yourself, the rest will fall into place - unless you're smoking dope, in which case, yep, not so good frame of mind can induce paranoia if you're already feeling like this, so be aware of that, as well.

Thank you very much for royur kind reply... I guess I'm just not used to having someone who is kind and friendly and this makes me think the worst i.e. something isn't right... The point you made about pushing her in2 some1's arms is so true... I am pleased with myself that I didn't erupt of hit out with continual questions to her and make her feel like she I walking on eggshells... THE PROBLEM I SEEM TO BE HAVING IS WHEN I AM NOT WITH HER I THINK ABOUT THINGS AND TRY TO COVER EVERY ANGLE IN MY HEAD TO MAKE SURE THERE IS NOTHING I HAVE MISSED THAT COULD GET ME SUSPICIOUS...

Its as if I keep going over the so called scenario in my head arrrrghhhhhh!! Drives me crazy.

Believe it or not I am quite intelligent I just can't cope with having my feelings hurt it sometimes feels like the end of the world

Relax and try to avoid bringing the experience of your other relationships to new relationships. You are jeopardising the new relationship before it even gets underway. Some self-reflection may be helpful. Becoming more self-aware will help you deal with those negative thoughts. And allow you to relax into the relationship. Sometimes it's just a case of thinking too much and too far ahead.

Thank you very much fo royur kind reply...I guess im just not used to having some1 who is kind and friendly and this makes me think the worst ie someting aint right......The point you made about pushing her in2 some1's arms is so true.......I am pleased with myself that i didnt erupt of hit out with continual questions to her and make her feel like she i walking on eggshells.......THE PROBLEM I SEEM TO BE HAVING IS WHEN I AM NOT WITH HER I THINK ABOUT THINGS AND TRY TO COVER EVERY ANGLE IN MY HEAD TO MAKE SURE THERE IS NOTHING I HAVE MISSED THAT COULD GET ME SUSPICIOUS.......

Its as if i keep going over the so called scenario in my head arrrrghhhhhh!!!!! drives me crazy.

Believe it or not i am quite intelligent i just can't cope with having my feelings hurt it sometimes feels like the end of the world

Think about what you said in your first posting. 'I was in the kitchen talking to her friend'... so you were talking to a female that you'd not long met (presumably as she's your new girlfriend's friend), and yet was there anything else other than what a nice person she was going through your head? No? Well, it's not going to be any different for your girlfriend.

Have you ever heard of the book 'Why Men Lie and Women Cry'? They're not female self-help books, but they do explain a lot of the differences between the way men and women's minds work. They reckon that on average, men have sexual thoughts every 30 seconds (even if they don't always realise it) and mainly have four topics they ponder about - sport, sex, money, and cars. Women have 68. So, while you're worrying about what your girlfriends up to, just remember that while you're focusing on infidelity and stuff like that, she's got at least 60 other things to think about so she's not going to have the same priorities, okay? While you're dissecting what she may be up to, she's likely to be dissecting your behaviour and what you're thinking. You need to focus on interests other than your girlfriend or you run the risk of ruining your relationship, or becoming possessive - it's easier to say than do, but you can do it. She's worth doing it for, after all.

Think about what you said in your first posting. 'I was in the kitchen talking to her friend'... so you were talking to a female that you'd not long met (presumably as she's your new girlfriend's friend), and yet was there anything else other than what a nice person she was going through your head? No? Well, it's not going to be any different for your girlfriend.

Have you ever heard of the book 'Why Men Lie and and Women Cry'? They're not female self-help books, but they do explain a lot of the differences between the way men and women's minds work. They reckon that on average, men have sexual thoughts every 30 seconds (even if they don't always realise it) and mainly have four topics they ponder about - sport, sex, money, and cars. Women have 68. So, while you're worrying about what your girlfriends up to, just remember that while you're focusing on infidelity and stuff like that, she's got at least 60 other things to think about so she's not going to have the same priorities, okay? While you're dissecting what she may be up to, she's likely to be dissecting your behaviour and what you're thinking. You need to focus on interests other than your girlfriend or you run the risk of ruining your relationship, or becoming possessive - it's easier to say than do, but you can do it. She's worth doing it for, after all.
Yeah everything you say makes sense it just takes words from someone else to make me see reality... Another problem I have is when she may be away talking to other people and not standing with me I feel as if she can't be bothered with me or I am a burden... I know this again is silly but it seems that I always need attention for reassuaracne that I'm liked... this is something about me that I want to stop as it isn't healthy... That book you mentioned maybe worth looking at... When I'm out in places woment seem to be constantly flirting with guys etc etc so it makes me think they are constantly thinking of sex as well... I used to be that bad that if my girlfriend said she thought a guy was nice looking hot etc I would go mad... I have stopped this now and I try my hardest to turn the jealousy in2 a realxed and joking mood and I feel better for it

Hi Tyne, The bottom line is you have not done the work to deal with your own baggage from the past, and its still there until you do. If you need a little help, I strongly advise you to be proactive, and get it. It can start with a simple check up and an honest conversation with your doctor, but how ever you approach it, know that until your issues are dealt with they will always hamper any relationship you have. Go slow with this one.

Yeah everything you say makes sense it just takes words from some1 else to make me see reality......Another problem i have is when she may be away talking to other people and not standing with me i feel as if she can't be bothered with me or i am a burden.....I know this again is silly but it seems that i always need attention for reassuaracne that im liked.....this is something about me that i want to stop as it isnt healthy........That book you mentioned maybe worth looking at......When im out in places woment seem to be constantly flirting with guys etc etc so it makes me think they are constantly thinkin of sex as well..........I used to be that bad that if my girlfriend said she thought a guy was nice looking hot etc i would go mad....I have stopped this now and i try my hardest to turn the jealousy in2 a realxed and joking mood and i feel better for it

Tyne, it's when a woman doesn't talk to you about someone else's looks that you need to start worrying. Women flirt for recognition of their looks and the effort they've made, not to get a man in the sack. Heck, do you know how much effort your girl probably goes to before she sets foot outside the door? You jump in the shower. She - showers, exfoliates, defuzzes, waxes, moisturises. You dry your hair, She colours, crimps, doesn't like that so starts again. You'll put on what you're comfortable with. She'll discuss that special outfit with her friends, put it on, take it off, try something else... Dustin Hoffman said he saw women in a different light once he'd played 'Tootsie', and it's not surprising. So, of course they want recognition for all that effort, - that's what most women 'flirt' for, that's all, not for sex:) If she's saying he's hot, then just agree and say he certainly seems to work on it:) Men think about sex - with women, it's a little bit more complicated. Might be worth your while seeking out that book (there are actually two of them, they're part of a set) and they're written by a husband and wife Doctor Partnership, Pease, I think their name is. A male friend of mine actually has mine at the moment as he's also in a new relationship, and he also finds them amusing. They're written very tongue-in-cheek so they're informative, but amusing. For instance - and this isn't mean to offend - why was Moses lost in the desert for 40 years? BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS - and I bet a lot of women recognise that problem with their husbands..

And you are very likeable because of your honesty in admitting your problems, and having the strength of character to want to do something about it instead of dumping all the issues of blame on someone else.

Tyne, it's when a woman doesn't talk to you about someone else's looks that you need to start worrying. Women flirt for recognition of their looks and the effort they've made, not to get a man in the sack. Heck, do you know how much effort your girl probably goes to before she sets foot outside the door? You jump in the shower. She - showers, exfoliates, defuzzes, waxes, moisturises. You dry your hair, She colours, crimps, doesn't like that so starts again. You'll put on what you're comfortable with. She'll discuss that special outfit with her friends, put it on, take it off, try something else...Dustin Hoffman said he saw women in a different light once he'd played 'Tootsie', and it's not surprising. So, of course they want recognition for all that effort, - that's what most women 'flirt' for, that's all, not for sex:) If she's saying he's hot, then just agree and say he certainly seems to work on it:) Men think about sex - with women, it's a little bit more complicated. Might be worth your while seeking out that book (there are actually two of them, they're part of a set) and they're written by a husband and wife Doctor Partnership, Pease, I think their name is. A male friend of mine actually has mine at the moment as he's also in a new relationship, and he also finds them amusing. They're written very tongue-in-cheek so they're informative, but amusing. For instance - and this isn't mean to offend - why was Moses lost in the desert for 40 years? BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS - and I bet a lot of women recognise that problem with their husbands..

And you are very likeable because of your honesty in admitting your problems, and having the strength of character to want to do something about it instead of dumping all the issues of blame on someone else.

Thank you to all of you for your advice it feels good to have you guys to chat with I sometimes get a cloud in my judgement and can't see sense. Im not saying my problems can just go away but I will try my hardest not to let it come between me and my girlfriend

Darlin, you are capable of having a normal, trusting relationship. You are. But, you have to take some steps first.

The bottom line here is not her flirting with other guys or seeing someone more handsome than you, it is your insecurity with your own self-image. And the only thing that is going to help that is you deciding that you are worth a wonderful, committed, secure relationship.

And that will start when you realize that this girl is not your first girlfriend who cheated on you. You were hurt, there is reason for you to feel in insecure, but just because there is a reason doesn't mean you have to succumb to the feelings of "he's better than me."

There will always be better looking guys and more beautiful girls... Hollywood is full of them. The key to a successful self-image is knowing that you are an amazing, wonderful, handsome, reliable, trustworthy, smart, sensible, dashing person no matter if Christian Bale is standing next to you. (Yes, Christian Bale... :) )

Have you talked to your girlfriend about your insecurities? A lot of times, a situation like this can be easily rectified if the other person is aware of your hang-ups and confidence issues.

You're not an awful person. You've been burned and you are living life with a singed self-image. But that's OK... because, don't you know, marshmallows are always yummier when they are singed... Just not singed to the point of Stay Puf't Marshmallow man. Let your past make you the delicious part of the S'more... don't let it turn you into a rain-o'-flaming marshmallow.

(Sorry for the odd analogy, but if you're on here at all, you'll get to realize that my analogies are normally from left field! :) )

Wow, I just had a friend of a friend with this same problem, however he was not as open minded as you. I really think you need to seek some help with getting closure from your last relationship. Doing this may also help you learn how to deal with your jealousy, insecurities and self hate. I feel that until you do this, it is going to be so hard for you to have a successful and healthy relationship. Baggage is exactly that and it will only weight you down in you future endeavors, this goes the same for all relationships. You are making all of these problem with this one person when really none of the problems have anything to do with her. Just like you deserve to be ina healthy and happy relationship so does she and from what this question says you are on your way, but not there yet. No one is perfect so don't beat yourself up, but recognizing you have a problem with jealousy and anger is the first step, now you can get some help.

I am married and I still put my first foot forward and I go out with my friends and act flirty because I am just one of those girls that even if I try not to be a flirt I still am, it's just my personality. My husband knows this and accepts, loves and trusts me for who I am. He respects me enough to let me be me. I know that sometimes if he's feeling a little insecure, which everyone does at times, he takes control of his feelings and joins into the conversation makes himself a part of it.

You really need to take responsibility for your own flaws, seek help and don't beat yourself up over them. Then let her know what's going on in a healthy state of mind.

Wow, I just had a friend of a friend with this same problem, however he was not as open minded as you. I really think you need to seek some help with getting closure from your last relationship. Doing this may also help you learn how to deal with your jealousy, insecurities and self hate. I feel that until you do this, it is going to be so hard for you to have a successful and healthy relationship. baggage is exactly that and it will only weight you down in you future endeavors, this goes the same for all relationships. You are making all of these problem with this one person when really none of the problems have anything to do with her. Just like you deserve to be ina healthy and happy relationship so does she and from what this question says you are on your way, but not there yet. No one is perfect so don't beat yourself up, but recognizing you have a problem with jealousy and anger is the first step, now you can get some help.

I am married and I still put my first foot forward and I go out with my friends and act flirty because I am just one of those girls that even if I try not to be a flirt I still am, it's just my personality. My husband knows this and accepts, loves and trusts me for who I am. He respects me enough to let me be me. I know that sometimes if he's feeling a little insecure, which everyone does at times, he takes control of his feelings and joins into the conversation makes himself a part of it.

You really need to take responsibility for your own flaws, seek help and don't beat yourself up over them. Then let her know what's going on in a healthy state of mind.

I agree with you and the other people who have kindly gave advice, that I do need help.

This girl could easy be "The one" she is pretty, loving, funny everything someone could hope for and to be honest something I have wished would come my way for years and now it has... What I keep thinking is maybe I should finish the relationship for her sake??

I really care for her lots and I think I maybe falling in love with her. I cannot bear to hurt her or treat her the way I have others in the past.

I have been to counselling and it helped at the time but as the weeks went on as soon as I hear more negative comments about the way I look or don't get attention form a female I get really low and just lie in bed wishing a hole would swallow me up.

I have never been confident about the way I look due to the teasing I got when younger about and underbite I had. Since then I had surgery to correct this but I still don't feel attractive.

When I met my girlfriend I was on a night out with friends. We were in a pub at first and I didn't meet her in there I actually met her later in a nightclub... What I am really jealous about is that she thought one of my friends was "gorgeous" and this makes me think she fancied him. The reason she was told not to go near him was because another frineds sister liked this guy.

Now this guy gets a lot of attention when out and I don't so to me it seems obvious she is more attracted to him and I can't COPE WITH THAT. My stomach turns when I think about it... I even create pictures in my head of both of them together. i.e. it would have happened if not for my friends sister stopping it cause she was jealous too.

You mentioned speaking to my girlfriend about this but that may put her off and I don't want to come across as immature, jelaous or insecure even though I am... Dont get me wrong she obviously likes me because she is with me but I feel if she would have been able to have the choice between me and him she would have chosen him as she thinks he is good looking... afterall every other girl thinks the same... I have even heard girls say they think he is the best looking out of me and all my other friends... I can't WIN

WHAT DO I DO?? SHE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY... I REALLY Don't WANT TO LOSE HER BUT I can't SPEND TIME WITH HER A FEEL LIKE THIS i.e. UPTIGHT AND NOT RELAXED

I guess no one has advice on this matter. If you do any advice good or bad would be greatly appreciated?? I really need to try and sort this out before it's too late.

Thanks
Tyne

Darlin, she chose you! She is with you! He may be the spitting image of Christian Bale, but she chose you.

I can't tell you how to stop thinking about her with him, other than, simply don't. If you find yourself visualizing them together, just remind yourself that she chose you and is with you and loves YOU.

So what if this guy is "dreamy," she is committed to a relationship with you. Make a choice to not allow yourself an opportunity to depress yourself...

Trust her. That's the main issue. If she is worthy of your trust, trust her.

Talk to her. If you can't or don't want to make things "funny between you," then you're going to have to simply trust her.

And remember, she chose you!!

So sad you have built such a mountain of mud in your own head. Get over it, or get some help to deal with it. Its so unhealthy, and your letting it not give what you have, to someone who wants it. Plain and simple, if you can't deal with your own thoughts, you will push her away, and that's the shame of it. Push those thoughts aside, and make yourself, and her happy.

So sad you have built such a mountain of mud in your own head. get over it, or get some help to deal with it. Its so unhealthy, and your letting it not give what you have, to someone who wants it. Plain and simple, if you can't deal with your own thoughts, you will push her away, and thats the shame of it. Push those thoughts aside, and make yourself, and her happy.

I know I sound silly the way I'm behaving its all down to my lack of self esteem... I feel as if cause my friends sister warned my girlfriend off cause she liked this guy she went for second choice and that was me... I want to feel like number1 to her as she is that with me.

I could talk to her about it but I don't want to come across as insecure or not confident as it isn't very appealing.

I feel she chose me due to the best offer not being available...

Be honest with her. Share your concerns.

Honesty is always worth it. Sometimes with honesty comes pain and hurt, while other times, it brings relief and security. You owe yourself honesty... you're being honest with yourself, now be honest with her. Expect her honesty in return.

Don't beat yourself up, you're infinitely more valuable than you realize. You are worth the happiness that you desire. Remember that...

I feel she chose me due to the best offer not being available...

That's your mind playing tricks on you, don't listen to your insecurity. Not healthy!

Thats your mind playing tricks on you, don't listen to your insecurity. Not healthy!


I have sat down the past few days and tried to work out in my head all the possibilities which is causing my really poor self esteem. I have decided to go back and seek help and will make an appointmnet with my doctor.

One thing which I have thought maybe be the reason is my family life which I have never really thought would be the cause. First of all I am an only child and there is no affection shown in my home from my mother or father towards me... The problem I feel lies with my father whom I find moody and sometimes I will try to talk to him and he ignores me. I have always felt I have been a disappointment to him ragarding my qualifications and what I have achieved in life so far.

I feel I am walking on eggshells in my home and if I forget to wash a plate, tidy my rrom, can't find car keys I get spoken to as if he wishes I wasn't threre as I just pi*s him off... I get nervous when he walks in the room and I feel myself making sure I haven't done anything to annoy him, because if I have I will get criticised for no doing it in the way he believs it should be done.

Im unsure if this could be a factor in how I have suffered for years with low self esteem and to be honest if this is the case I feel myself becoming angry towards him.

I feel I am a let down to him and wishes he had a better more "successful" son.

I don't know if I should talk to my girlfriend about this too so she understands me as we have been together only 3 months and I don't want to scare her or show that I have no confidence as this isn't appealing to have as a partner... but every negative comment that is made towards me I seriously cannot cope with the feeling of being hurt and can't brush it off... IF my girlfriend says something maybe in a sarcastic joking way I find myself taking it personally and get really hurt and think about it over and over trying to find a reson she is lying or I'm not good enough.

IM VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE WAY IM BEHAVING AND THINKING, I can't ENJOY ONE DAY WIHTOUT A WORRYING THOUGH IN MY HEAD

Talking with a doctor, and getting a referral, for a counselor, may be the way to go. I think you already have a very good grasp of yourself, and only need a little guidance. Hope you get that, as it will help in the long run. Good luck Tyne.

Hey,

Story is I have started a relationship with a girl who i think is great and i want to make a go of things....The trouble i am having is adjusting to things. All the time in my past relationships I hvae been suspicious of my other half cheating on me and looking at other guys and wishing they were with them instead......In my first relationship I was cheated on and lied to constantly and this created a lot of anger and jealousy in me. I also have people say i am not great looking etc which maked me think that anyone i am with will want better than me.

Anyway.....I was at a party with my new girlfriend and her friends and her as welll have said she really likes me and i have treated her better than anyone she has been with.....The problem i have is that if we walk in2 a room or public place i worry that there will be a "better looking guy" than me....I know it may sound sad and my self esteem is a major factor.

When at the house party i was in the kitchen talking to her friend, after sometime i realised i hadnt spoke to her in a while i wgot worried in case she was talking to a guy who i seen as a threat.....My suspicions were true as i walked into the room and the door was closed over and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first nite she met him......later on they were in another room together but this time other people were sitting around them.................I am the type of person who reads in2 things too much and always have to make sure i am not gettin made a fool of as i am so,so frightened of being hurt.

Believe me this girl is really nice but i can't help but wonder.....was she flirting with him ,was she attracted to him or was it just an innocent conversation.....Should i trust her, she has been hurt b4 also.


Sorry for the long post but i really do wonder if i am struggling with a high level of paranoia.....I even get a fear of catchin a disease and other things that could upset me. I imagine things that culd happen that could hurt me and i feel upset.....AM I GOING CRAZY?????


PLEASE TALK TO ME AS I FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST

THANKS
In the past I have been the same way.. Be honest and talk about how you feel.

My immediate response would be if she was in a different room with another guy the first day you met , she owes you nothing. If however she was in a relationship with you then that is a whole other issues.

In the past I have been the same way.. Be honest and talk about how you feel.

My immediate response would be if she was in a different room with another guy the first day you met , she owes you nothing. If however she was in a relationship with you then that is a whole other issues.


He was in a relationship and is still with her... what your saying sounds like you feel he should be jealous due to his girlfriend sitting in a room chatting to another guy alone?? Or she is up to something

I do feel a bit hesitant about her being in a room with some guy talking behind closed doors... and then with him again later that night. If this happened the entire party, I'd feel a bit weird about it. If this happened for about 10 minutes, don't sweat it.

As far as your looks... forget about it. The girl's with you for a reason. Sometimes, good looking guys worry that the girl's with them just for looks... it's a lose-lose situation either way.

I know this may seem like a ridiculous thing to say, but really... jealousy gets you nowhere. I was like you... I was burned twice (now 3) and I was that jealous guy... I used to not like it when my girlfriend went out to a club with her girlfriends because I was jealous of the guys that would be there. Now... currently single (my last ex left me for another guy... 3rd time's the charm) and for some reason, after getting over the breakup... I feel... confident. I don't feel so jealous anymore. I've adopted this nonchalant way of looking at things.

Try to spend a little bit of time doing things you enjoy doing... perhaps exercising a little bit... these things may increase yourself esteem. Don't get so hung up on the thought "what if she leaves me?"

I do feel a bit hesitant about her being in a room with some guy talking behind closed doors...and then with him again later that night. If this happened the entire party, I'd feel a bit weird about it. If this happened for about 10 minutes, don't sweat it.

As far as your looks...forget about it. The girl's with you for a reason. Sometimes, good looking guys worry that the girl's with them just for looks...it's a lose-lose situation either way.

I know this may seem like a ridiculous thing to say, but really...jealousy gets you nowhere. I was like you...I was burned twice (now 3) and I was that jealous guy...I used to not like it when my girlfriend went out to a club with her girlfriends because I was jealous of the guys that would be there. Now...currently single (my last ex left me for another guy...3rd time's the charm) and for some reason, after getting over the breakup...I feel...confident. I don't feel so jealous anymore. I've adopted this nonchalant way of looking at things.

try to spend a little bit of time doing things you enjoy doing...perhaps exercising a little bit...these things may increase your self esteem. don't get so hung up on the thought "what if she leaves me?"


Well what happened was I was in the kitchen tallking to one of her friends and then every1appeared in the kitchen. I then noticed after 10-15 minutes she and this other guy weren't there I walked into the hallway and saw the living room door not closed tight but shut over and my stomach turned... I walked in and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first night they had met... I then later wlaked passed the bedroom and they were sitting together but there wer other people sitting next to them talking as well... Im sure althoug I was kind of drunk I then saw him asking her to come with him i.e. into another room but I'm not 100% sure, she walked over in his direction but sat down in a seat in the same room as ME... Im going to have to say to to her tomorrow but I don't want to make her feel that she can't talk to guys on a night out cuse then that just destroys the freedom between on another and she will feel she is with a jealous boyfriend and walking on eggshells.

People seem to be giving Tyne conflicting answers here... He has said she Wasn't in a room with this guy the entire party... I have been in this situation myself and know where Tyne is coming from as I get really jealous and myself esteem is low too... is she wrong with sitting next to a guy talking?? i.e. 15,20,25 minutes... could it be there were in the living room with other people who then walked out and they shut closed the door over... ie Tyne didn't see what happened before they were "left" alone...

What does everyone think??

People seem to be giving Tyne conflicting answers here.....He has said she WASNT in a room with this guy the entire party...........I have been in this situation myself and know where Tyne is coming from as i get really jealous and my self esteem is low too......is she wrong with sitting next to a guy talking????? ie 15,20,25 mins.....could it be there were in the living room with other people who then walked out and they shut closed the door over......ie Tyne didnt see what happened before they were "left" alone.........

What does every1 think??????

I really am confused here I don't want to mess up what could be a good thing with this girl but I can't get out my head what her intentions and thought were about sitting alone in a room with this guy... for all I now people could have left the room and they were left alone through no fault of her own.

But what if she liked him or something went on with that door closed... How do I find out the truth and be sure she was more interested in this other guy

Please help me this is upsetting me too much

This might be just me, but it's a exercise in futility, trying to track someone's every move and attaching motives to them. Even worse when drinking. Most of the problem, is you over thinking everything, and assuming the worse. The last thing you should do is project your own insecurity, on another. Then they become as paranoid, as you are. Dude, if you want a healthy relationship, better get a handle on your own issues, as they will destroy any chance at happiness you have. That's where your headed with this, as who can enjoy themselves with those thoughts running through your head?

This might be just me, but its a exercise in futility, trying to track someones every move and attaching motives to them. Even worse when drinking. Most of the problem, is you over thinking everything, and assuming the worse. The last thing you should do is project your own insecurity, on another. Then they become as paranoid, as you are. Dude, if you want a healthy relationship, better get a handle on your own issues, as they will destroy any chance at happiness you have. Thats where your headed with this, as who can enjoy themselves with those thoughts running thru your head??
Tal thanks for the reply... What has confused me is "Talon2006" & "Isneezefunny" comments... it seems they think I have a point and I should be annoyed with her sitting next to another guy in a room... im seeing her tonight but as you have said before I don't want to risk that I could push her away or make he change her opinion of me then it will be doomed... IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HER Sitting IN A ROOM AND TALKING TO A GUY SHE Doesn't KNOW INSTEAD OF STANDING WITH ME??

No, and if you need everyone to see she is your arm candy, that is a problem, as it was a friggin party. Instead of making it a big deal, pay more attention, to what she says and does, and express yourself in a non-threatening way, and stop assuming. "Hey I think that guy at the party likes you, can't blame him either" as opposed to " what were you, and him talking about all night"? See the difference. If you were so insecure, why didn't you bring her a drink, or snack, and sat with her, Introduce yourself, name only, and see for yourself what the deal is? Assuming facts not in evidence, draws a faulty conclusion, and makes you insecure. Work on those coping skills.

Not trying to be harsh, just straight, but the way I deal with undo attention, to my date, is by joining there conversation, in a very non confrontational way, and showing she is with me, hence bringing her a drink. Be real, what would, you do if your at a party, and a pretty female, you don't know, is sitting ALONE, no man in sight??

Not trying to be harsh, just straight, but the way I deal with undo attention, to my date, is by joining there convo, in a very non confrontational way, and showing she is with me, hence bringing her a drink. Be real, what would, you do if your at a party, and a pretty female, you don't know, is sitting ALONE, no man in sight???
Tal,

Im not bothered if the guy was cracking on I'm just worried she was intersted in him and wanted the attention from him...

Im just worried why SHE CHOSE to spend time with him instead of me i.e. she felt something for him??

I feel as if he may have been cracking on but she encouraged it as she was sitting with him on two occasion through the night one of which alone in a room which I'm unsure if people had left and they were sitting alone which would be fair enough

I can see the things you don't know about females, is driving you nuts. Let me ask you a question. Given what you know, you were there, what should you do about it now?? I have a lot more, but I need your answer first.

walk up to the girl, say, "Hey babe, brought you something to drink" then introduce yourself to the guy.

Sneeze, Couldn't give your greenie, the greenie it deserves. Great way to go about it.

I can see the things you don't know about females, is driving you nuts. Let me ask you a question. Given what you know, you were there, what should you do about it now?? I have a lot more, but I need your answer first.
Tal,

I feel if I had more self esteem this wouldn't bother me or if I seen this guy as no pyhsical threat I would not bother... In relation to your question I feel I should talk to her about it and say I was feeling a little insecure with what happened,I can't do anything about it now


Is this what you would suggest?

Well the feelings you have can be better labeled as getting insecure but why you are , I mean you love her and she loves you , looks does not matter in love , and you keep on thinking about your appearance , well don't underestimate yourself , sometimes negative self image can create such problems as you are going through , have confidence in you and try to see the positive in all situations, be realistic if you were not good then how you have so many girlfriends :)be positive

Sneeze, Couldn't give your greenie, the greenie it deserves. Great way to go about it.
Well we had a chat and it semmed to be going OK she seemed to be honest about everything... we were talking and she seemd awkward about something... after me demanding she tell me she did admit that she kissed naother guy at a new year party... we were seeing each other but not officially going out I am so hurt... it was mad eout to me by her friend and her that hse really liked me yet she kissed another guy... why do this if she really liked me?? I know we weren't going out but I feel I have been betrayed

Expecting loyalty, and not even dating is plain crazy, and over the top. Kissing at a New years party, is what people do. So what do you do to deal with your personal issues, as they effect not only the way you see things, but the way you deal with what you THINK you see. If you don't start coping with yourself better, the hope of a healthy happy relationship, is very small. Give yourself a chance,partner, and get some counseling if you need it, because trust me, nobody will put up with that crap for long. You seem to attract these females, that's a plus, but keeping them, I don't know.

Can't give tal a greenie.

If you two weren't exclusive, anything's fair game. Is it tactful.. not really, but isn't that the whole idea of "dating"?

To describe it in a raw sense, dating's like trying on clothes. You pick out 3 - 4 things you want to try out, then you try them out... and then you pick the one you like the most.

You can be down about it, no doubt. I'd be down if a girl I really liked kissed another dude, but that's no reason to get mad about it and blurt it out to her. Forget what your girl did before you two were official and let it go.

I think the main "disease" you suffer from is low self esteem. "Looks" aren't nearly as important to a woman as how you make her feel. Appearance is more of a guy thing. If you are fun, loving, affectionate and sure of yourself (not arrogant) then I don't think you'll have anything to worry about.

Expecting loyalty, and not even dating is plain crazy, and over the top. Kissing at a New years party, is what people do. So what do you do to deal with your personal issues, as they effect not only the way you see things, but the way you deal with what you THINK you see. If you don't start coping with yourself better, the hope of a healthy happy relationship, is very small. Give yourself a chance,partner, and get some counseling if you need it, because trust me, nobody will put up with that crap for long. You seem to attract these females, thats a plus, but keeping them, I don't know.

We were dating, we just hadn't agreed to say we were officially in a relationship... we went on 4 or 5 dates before the New Year and I trated her so well, taking her for dinner buying her a little gift (only a teddy)... she said she really like me... if only into me then why would she even kiss this guy and not give us the chance to get to know one another more??

You are so not listening to what I and others are telling you. Its not her its you. As you have her now, forget that other garbage, and treat her well now. Since you can't see that, your not ready for a healthy relationship. GET SOME HELP WITH YOUR ISSUES, ASAP. Or you will run her off!!

We were dating, we just hadnt agreed to say we were offically in a relationship......

So... she's fair game. To everyone.


i trated her so well, taking her for dinner buying her a little gift (only a teddy)......

... she owes you nothing. At all.


she said she really like me.........if only into me then why would she even kiss this guy and not give us the chance to get to know one another more?????

She never said she's into you and only you. She said she liked you. That means she can like other guys. And she did give you guys the chance to get to know one another more... because she eventually chose you.

... I agree with tal that you're insecurity is way off... either that or there's more to the story.

You all are young... don't panic.

You will feel less threatened as you get older.

Give her a break or date someone else.

so...she's fair game. to everyone.



...she owes you nothing. at all.



she never said she's into you and only you. she said she liked you. that means she can like other guys. and she did give you guys the chance to get to know one another more...because she eventually chose you.

...i agree with tal that you're insecurity is way off...either that or there's more to the story.

There isn't more to the story... if I'm ina relationship with her I will be paranoid all the time now... I feel sick, can't eat can't sleep with all this... All my friends who are girls say if she was into me why kiss another guy?? They all seem to think the same as me

Please may I add that we were casually dating for 3 weeks and then when sat down 2 days before New Year I asked what was happening with us, we then discussed and agreed to start seeing each other but did not say anything about a relationship... so we had agreed to something in between if that makes any sense... 2 days later she kisses another guy... people have said if her interest level was high she would not have kissed another person

She agrees to go out to give her a chance to get to know you. Does that mean she can't date others, or the two of you are connected at the hip? Your both strangers, and very early in this dating thing, and its supposed to be fun, but you already see problems. Why not listen to those other girls, and end it, before you drive her, and yourself crazy, with your skewed sense of loyalty, and fidelity. She won't be around much longer any way, if you keep acting out your own issues.I don't think your really ready for a healthy relationship at this time. You don't love yourself enough.

She agrees to go out to give her a chance to get to know you. Does that mean she can't date others, or the two of you are connected at the hip? Your both strangers, and very early in this dating thing, and its supposed to be fun, but you already see problems. Why not listen to those other girls, and end it, before you drive her, and yourself crazy, with your skewed sense of loyalty, and fidelity. She wont be around much longer any way, if you keep acting out your own issues.I don't think your really ready for a healthy relationship at this time. You don't love yourself enough.


Tal I agree that we went out on a couple of dates to get to know one another better and that was fine... I agree that she could date others then if she chose as it wasn't discussed... what I was trying to say was that if we sat down and spoke about things and she agreed to officially start seeing me that shows a level of commitment to me & her... it was only2 days after this discussion& commitment that we had, that she kissed this other dude... She said she has never done it to any other guy she was just seeing and can't believe what she did as it isn't her and don't make sense... She did cheat on her ex but that was cause she found out he was cheating on her... every guy she has been with has left her for another girl... whos to say she wouldn't do it again when too drunk

So why are you still with her if you have these issues? Wouldn't it be easier to just walk away from all this? Than go through the misery and mistrust?

So why are you still with her if you have these issues? Wouldn't it be easier to just walk away from all this? Than go thru the misery and mistrust?


I just don't want to finish it and realise I was wrong and she genuinly can be trusted... I honesty don't think she would do it if she met someone else

Let me know when you make up your mind, and quit straddling the emotional fence.

can't give tal a greenie.

if you two weren't exclusive, anything's fair game. is it tactful...? not really, but isn't that the whole idea of "dating"?

to describe it in a raw sense, dating's like trying on clothes. you pick out 3 - 4 things you want to try out, then you try them out...and then you pick the one you like the most.

you can be down about it, no doubt. I'd be down if a girl I really liked kissed another dude, but that's no reason to get mad about it and blurt it out to her. forget what your girl did before you two were official and let it go.
This is the part that is making me a little confused we agreed to start seeing each other which to me seems like we have agreed to be together... She changed her staus on bebo to seeing someone which made me feel she wants to kiss me and no one else... then a onth later we agree to go in2 a relationship... I guess what I'm saying is what is the differnce between these two status??

One isn't so serious, while the other is very serious!

Yeah. Dating is just that... it's dating. A person can date more than one person at a time...

It's not the most tactful way to go about it, and perhaps it should have been clear between the two of you that it wasn't an exclusive "dating" relationship... but that's the reason why there's a clear definition between "dating" and "relationship"

yeah. dating is just that...it's dating. a person can date more than one person at a time...

it's not the most tactful way to go about it, and perhaps it should have been clear between the two of you that it wasn't an exclusive "dating" relationship...but that's the reason why there's a clear definition between "dating" and "relationship"

Yeah I agree dating you can see other people as you are keeping your options open... We agreed after dating for 3 weeks to start seeing each other but did not mention anything about a relationship for over a month later... Two days into agreeing to see each other she kissed a guy who made a move on her for about a minute (her words) then she said she came to her senses and pulled away as she was seeing me... My first question is why even let it get that far?? And have I been cheated on?? When we agreed to see each other we didn't go int great detail, but from that I took this as a level of comittment.

Things were going great until I found this out. I have to meet her on Sunday to talk. This same situation has happened in my past relationships. Am I being made a fool of, was she not into me back then??

Im trying to look at it from all angles i.e. every guy in the past has cheated on her when they were just seeing each other, it was new year she knew I was at a party with loads of girls... Im not saying this gives her the right but in a drunken state she maybe confused.

... this is like beating a dead horse, and then shooting it, and then burning it.

People on this forum are ALL telling you... that you need to chill out. Really.

Why let it get that far? Who knows? Maybe she was feeling a little vulnerable + a little lonely... maybe she thought he was attractive?

Were you cheated upon.. you said it yourself... you two weren't in an exclusive relationship. So no. I agree.. it's not tactful, and it's not the prettiest situation in the world, but as far as technicalities go, she did fine. You should actually be OK with the idea that she pulled away. She didn't HAVE to pull back, but she did.

Apparently she was into you... because she pulled back. The thing is this... if I was just dating a girl (not exclusively... just dating), and she met another guy, and she kissed him, then pulled back and said, "sorry, i'm seeing this other guy"... and I Found out, it would tell me one thing: she likes me enough to be in a relationship with me. Then she got in a relationship with me.

Pre-relationship, you got to let that stuff slide. As long as she didn't mess around DURING the relationship, why does it matter?

I'm thinking... that this attitude of yours alone (the jealousy... self-esteem issues... ) will pretty much destroy any relationship you ever get into... unless you start dating someone from the brady bunch. If this relationship doesn't work out, look back on it, and learn from this. You got to relax. You got to let some stuff slide. Did she cheat on you? No? Then let it go.

...this is like beating a dead horse, and then shooting it, and then burning it.

people on this forum are ALL telling you...that you need to chill out. really.

why let it get that far? who knows? maybe she was feeling a little vulnerable + a little lonely...maybe she thought he was attractive?

were you cheated upon..? you said it yourself...you two weren't in an exclusive relationship. so no. I agree..it's not tactful, and it's not the prettiest situation in the world, but as far as technicalities go, she did fine. you should actually be ok with the idea that she pulled away. she didn't HAVE to pull back, but she did.

apparently she was into you...cuz she pulled back. the thing is this...if I was just dating a girl (not exclusively...just dating), and she met another guy, and she kissed him, then pulled back and said, "sorry, i'm seeing this other guy"...and I Found out, it would tell me one thing: she likes me enough to be in a relationship with me. Then she got in a relationship with me.

pre-relationship, you gotta let that stuff slide. as long as she didn't mess around DURING the relationship, why does it matter?

I'm thinking...that this attitude of yours alone (the jealousy...self-esteem issues...) will pretty much destroy any relationship you ever get into...unless you start dating someone from the brady bunch. if this relationship doesn't work out, look back on it, and learn from this. you gotta relax. you gotta let some stuff slide. did she cheat on you? no? then let it go.


Thanks... You know I feel you have been the only one who has realised what I have been talking about... I don't know if people were clear that we had agreed to see each other i.e. we were now officially seeing each other but not in a relationship yet... She snogged the guy for about a minute it wasn't just some peck on the mouth I don't get jealous of stuff like that... I was not at this party either just to clear that one up too...

Everything went so well on the first 4 dates and I was told by numerous folk she really liked me... what she did has confused me and I am meeting up with her tomorrow... I had been under the impression that agreeing to see each other meant we do not go with anyone else

I was not at this party either just to clear that one up too...


That begs a question, how do you know exactly what went on, and why were you not there, for one of the biggest parties of the year?

Hey,
Ur not crazy maybe there just having a friendly chat but if she's flirting with him already as soon as she meets him then that's wrong you have to find a girl you can trust, I have the same problem my boyfriend is going to the movies with different girls, so if you don't trust your girlfriend don't date her if you trust her you can keep dating her

That begs a question, how do you know exactly what went on, and why were you not there, for one of the biggest parties of the year??
She told me what happened... Yes I agree I should have went when she asked me to the party but I had already made plans with friends

So your party left her alone at her party, so who was she supposed to kiss, it is traditional. Dude, let it go, its nothing, and 4 dates doesn't mean exclusive. How about relaxing, and get to know each other for 6 months, before you start making rules and regulations. What's the hurry? You have serious issues to work on and she can't help.

So your party left her alone at her party, so who was she supposed to kiss, it is traditional. Dude, let it go, its nothing, and 4 dates doesn't mean exclusive. How about relaxing, and get to know each other for 6 months, before you start making rules and regulations. Whats the hurry?? You have serious issues to work on and she can't help.
Maybe she took it as a feeling of rejection cause I didn't go...

... I think you're thinking way too deep into this.

Maybe she did... but I'm thinking, no. I don't think she took it as "rejection"...

You're trying to find a reason WHY she kissed that guy... and we're all here telling you... that it doesn't matter WHY she did that. What matters is that it's done and over with. Instead of being stuck on WHY she did that... try to get stuck on the idea that 1. she pulled away... 2. she got into a relationship with you.

Get stuck on the whole kissing idea, and you're going to go down with it... and in the end, you won't even get a straight answer.

First of all I disagree with T-Man in regards to the kissing being a tradition. Man if any girlfriend I ever have goes to a New Year Party and kisses another guy, it's cheating. I don't care what day in the world it is, if I'm her man, that is my duty. I don't agree it's a traditional thing. I can be any where, at any party, and even if every other person is kissing, I would refuse to do so. That's ridiculous.

Secondly, Tyne26, you must understand that to agree seeing each other can be that she has decided that you will be the one. The deal is almost surely sealed, but just not exactly. She had the freedom to do as she pleased, as she didn't have a boyfriend yet. Sure you both had great times and I'm sure may be why she is with you, but the other guy just got a kiss from her, while a bit after that she gave you way more than a kiss. She gave you herself and possibly even her heart. Now if she ever kisses another guy, there will be no excuses as you two now are boyfriend and girlfriend. Remember you two only had a few dates by then. As you both get to know each other more and have more fun, the less others will become attractive and the more she will be stuck on you where she wouldn't even think about kissing someone else. To expect that so soon would be a joke. As you both go on, feelings will deepen and then you won't ever worry about such things. You must remember to act cool and not let her know it bothered you. It's not so serious and she will think badly of you if you let her know it bothered you. Believe it. Take it as a challenge to let it slide and your relationship will be happier because of it. Please believe me. If you care about her and really want her, you must let it slide this time, especially since it hasn't been done while you were officially going out. Be cool, sweet, and charming. Make her happy. She will always choose you if you stay cool forever. Little things like these can go a thousand miles and can work miracles in a relationship. Sometimes the way women do things, are unexplainable and we can really go crazy thrying to analyze them. So be the man and move forward. Keep it going strong my friend. You can do this. You can be happy. I see nothing but good things for you!

First of all I disagree with T-Man in regards to the kissing being a tradition. Man if any gf I ever have goes to a New Year Party and kisses another guy, it's cheating. I dont care what day in the world it is, if I'm her man, that is my duty. I don't agree it's a traditional thing. I can be any where, at any party, and even if every other person is kissing, I would refuse to do so. That's rediculous.

Secondly, Tyne26, you must understand that to agree seeing each other can be that she has decided that you will be the one. The deal is almost surely sealed, but just not exactly. She had the freedom to do as she pleased, as she didn't have a bf yet. Sure you both had great times and I'm sure may be why she is with you, but the other guy just got a kiss from her, while a bit after that she gave u way more than a kiss. She gave you herself and possibly even her heart. Now if she ever kisses another guy, there will be no excuses as you two now are bf and gf. Remember you two only had a few dates by then. As you both get to know each other more and have more fun, the less others will become attractive and the more she will be stuck on you where she wouldn't even think about kissing someone else. To expect that so soon would be a joke. As you both go on, feelings will deepen and then you won't ever worry about such things. You must remember to act cool and not let her know it bothered you. It's not so serious and she will think badly of you if you let her know it bothered you. Believe it. Take it as a challenge to let it slide and your relationship will be happier because of it. Please believe me. If you care about her and really want her, you must let it slide this time, especially since it hasn't been done while you were officially going out. Be cool, sweet, and charming. Make her happy. She will always choose you if you stay cool forever. Little things like these can go a thousand miles and can work miracles in a relationship. Sometimes the way women do things, are unexplainable and we can really go crazy thrying to analyze them. So be the man and move forward. Keep it going strong my friend. You can do this. You can be happy. I see nothing but good things for you!

It is tradition to do that at New Year but you shouldn't be doing it when seeing someone, this was the point I was trying to make. She has never done that to anyone else when she has been seeing them... Agreeing to see someone I thought showed you are committed to kissing that person only...

When you say it could be that she agreed to start seeing me as "I will be the one" I'm a little confused by that comment... If she thought that then why the hell would she kiss this guy when he came onto her?? I'm trying to understand the way a female ticks...

I guess what I am getting at is why is it every time I have started seeing someone they have kissed another guy and folk just say you only knew each other 2-3 weeks, yet if I had to go do it I would get grief and made out to be the bad guy... Timescale to me doesn't matter, I know plenty of couples when they started to see each other did not kiss another guy... I was told she really liked me at the start and I have taken it personally by thinking "she didnt like me as much as this guy" i.e. she met him and thought he is far more attractive than the guy I'm seeing just now(ME)... When I see her I care for her loads but I feel sick thinking of this guy kissin her and her letting him

You're not listening to any one of us... There is no true answer for this. Bottom line is that it passed and you need to let it go this time around. Should it happen again, then react. JUST DROP IT ALREADY DUDE! You'll thank me later, believe me!

You're not listening to any one of us...There is no true answer for this. Bottom line is that it passed and you need to let it go this time around. Should it happen again, then react. JUST DROP IT ALREADY DUDE! You'll thank me later, believe me!

Im feeling insecure as this guy is quite good looking and I keep thinking in my head she liked him more than me... I wish I could stop thinking like that

Dude I'm a good looking guy and many girls have left me for guys that I think are just awful. So as many people will tell you. Its how the person makes you feel not how they look. Yes looks are important sure but when it comes down to it if your fun to be with and you make her laugh you got nothing to worrie about

If you think a guy is better looking than you. 9 times out of 10 your girl won't think that. And probable isn't even looking at him

If she does see a cute guy she will probable look at it and go hm. But that's about it just as you have probable seen lots of pretty girls walking down the street you look but you go ahh I'm happy with my girl.


I guess what I'm trying to say is. That if she does leave you for a better looking guy she isn't worth it. And you keep worring about this. Will just affect your time together just enjoy the time you have. She is with You. And that's a plus
So you can't be that bad.
Boost you self up a bit and be happy :)

Your not mad most people think like this. I get worried about funny guys taking my girls I beat them in looks but in emotions not so much ;z

Anyway man take it easy and you'll get there :) and people that think the way you do and always work over the same problems over and over again. Are kind of obsessive compulsive
I should know I have that but in other areas of my life

And stop checking out guys dude ;) your with a hottie just look at her bud :P

dude im a good looking guy and many girls have left me for guys that i think are just awful. so as many people will tell you. its how the person makes you feel not how they look. yes looks are important sure but when it comes down to it if your fun to be with and you make her laugh you got nothing to worrie about

if you think a guy is better looking than you. 9 times out of 10 your girl wont think that. and probable isnt even looking at him

if she does see a cute guy she will probable look at it and go hm. but thats about it just as you have probable seen lots of pretty girls walking down the street you look but you go ahh im happy with my girl.


i guess what im trying to say is. that if she does leave you for a better looking guy she isnt worth it. and you keep worring about this. will just affect your time together just enjoy the time you have. she is with You. and thats a plus
so you can't be that bad.
boost ya self up a bit and be happy :)

your not mad most people think like this. i get worried about funny guys taking my girls i beat them in looks but in emotions not so much ;z

anyway man take it easy and youll get there :) and people that think the way you do and always work over the same problems over and over again. are kind of obsessive compulsive
i should know i have that but in other areas of my life

and stop checking out guys dude ;) your with a hottie just look at her bud :P


Thank for your response... my self esteem is low and her doing this isn't made it better... she has used a reason as to why it happened saying that every other guy she has seen in the past has went behind her back and she said the thought did cross her head "what if he is doing it" i.e. me... I know her self esteem is low and some people have said that cause she was getting the attention form this guy she has maybe liked it... The thing is we had agreed to start seeing each other I don't mean fully exclusive relationship but what keeps going round in my head and its driving me crazy is DID SHE LIKE HIM MORE THAN ME TO DO THAT?? I have taken it personally... IF SHE REALLY LIKED ME IE PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY WOULD SHE HAVE DONE IT??

Every girl has done this when I started seeing them my first long term girlfriend did it at the start and came out with the same excuse... yet she continually cheated on me from start to finish

Well I'm not going to get into a circular debate with you. You have 7 pages worth of advice.


You keep asking the same thing and your asking the wrong things. The thing you should should I stay with her if I'm like this

Get this into your head kid. Leave her.. simple

well im not going to get into a circular debate with you. you have 7 pages worth of advice.


you keep asking the same thing and your asking the wrong things. the thing you should should i stay with her if im like this

get this into your head kid. leave her.. simple

Well I have read other people's problems and so many people say "once a cheat always a cheat"... so I guess I have to finish with her... it's such as shame evertyhting was perfect before this came out... we would have been good together it hurts like hell... I will walk away and I still can't make up in my own head

"have i been cheated on?" I'm walking away still confused which isn't good

OMG!! Even when my girl and I became Exclusive, yet not Official just yet, she still called her ex... maybe just to finish things but what do I know? She was also seeing someone at the same time. It's what happens dude... Nothing is perfect!! Now we've been together almost 3 years and I've never been happier. I had to learn to let a lot of things go and so did she and so does everyone who wants to be in a long term committed relationship... Now that we are Official, nothing like that has ever happened again! Stop it... She really likes YOU if she chose you! Now go get a haircut, take a shower, put on some good cologne and take that pretty girl out on a date tonight and feel good and make her notice she is with a real man who can deal with his own issues without involving her. You can do it. You are the man... Many people don't even have gf's and you're lucky. Make it work. Nothing is wrong. Be happy!

OMG!!! Even when my girl and I became Exclusive, yet not Official just yet, she still called her ex...maybe just to finish things but what do I know? She was also seeing someone at the same time. It's what happens dude...Nothing is perfect!!! Now we've been together almost 3 years and I've never been happier. I had to learn to let a lot of things go and so did she and so does everyone who wants to be in a long term commited relationship...Now that we are Official, nothing like that has ever happened again! Stop it...She really likes YOU if she chose you! Now go get a haircut, take a shower, put on some good cologne and take that pretty girl out on a date tonight and feel good and make her notice she is with a real man who can deal with his own issues without involving her. You can do it. You are the man...Many people don't even have gf's and you're lucky. Make it work. Nothing is wrong. Be happy!

I know what your sayong and thanks for taking the time to read and respond... I really don't want to throw something away that can be good... if we hadn't agreed to say we were seeing each other I wouldn't be confused... honestly... basically a 1 DAY after we agreed to startseeing each other she kissed this guy back for say 30 secs then moved away and said she couldn't do it... its that period she did kiss him back that worries me i.e.. . why did she let it happen... im wondering if it hadn't registered we were seeing each other as it was only agreed the day before... ie still in the mindset that it was really casual

Your looking for a big understanding or a reason.. dude there is none things just happen. It hurts like hell my friend but. If you try and add meaning to this you will lose yourself in this problem

Let it go man and walk on

your looking for a big understanding or a reason.. dude there is none things just happen. it hurts like hell my friend but. if you try and add meaning to this you will lose your self in this problem

Let it go man and walk on

She has given me reasons it happened... she preaches she didn't like this guy more... if I can somehow believe in my own world she didn't like him then maybe we have a chance... Everything about her is what I want in a girl

That's the problem, your world, and the real world, is not the same and your taking a nothing, and making it a big deal. That's you, and only you, and for the last time, let it go, and deal with the real world.

your looking for a big understanding or a reason.. dude there is none things just happen. it hurts like hell my friend but. if you try and add meaning to this you will lose your self in this problem

Let it go man and walk on


Well as far as I'm concerned when you agree to start officially seeing each other you are committed to that person only and you are working on it to see if you can take the next step into a relationship... if your are just dating then you are free to see other people and kiss whoever you choose... She even told me herself she sees "seeing someone" as more serious than just casual dating...

Your expectations, and meanings, are on a different page than hers, and it is why it takes more than a few dates to even realize what she means, and what you mean. Its awful early to even consider the commitment your talking about, and what she may mean. Its not very healthy, in my eyes to be so demanding and controlling, when you should be enjoying knowing, and learning about each other. Doesn't sound like fun to me, and that's a shame. Is she having fun?

Your expectations, and meanings, are on a different page than hers, and it is why it takes more than a few dates to even realize what she means, and what you mean. Its awful early to even consider the commitment your talking about, and what she may mean. Its not very healthy, in my eyes to be so demanding and controlling, when you should be enjoying knowing, and learning about each other. Doesn't sound like fun to me, and that's a shame. Is she having fun?

We were having fun before all this and it would have continued if she had given it the chance... why risk losing a guy that u have agreed to see and obviously like for a kiss... I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE IM GOING ON AND ON BUT IM THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT HAS TO BE SURE ABOUT THINGS, I HAVE TO MAKE THE CORRECT DECISION.

I thought she would be attracted to me and only me because we agreed to "offically see each other"... WHY KISS A GUY WHO IS UGLIER??

The only correct decision, is the one you make, and stick to. It's called taking responsibility for your own actions, and you have strung this far enough along, that your going in circles, and getting nowhere. That's being STUCK! Make a decision, and live with it.

The only correct decision, is the one you make, and stick to. It's called taking responsibility for your own actions, and you have strung this far enough along, that your going in circles, and getting nowhere. Thats being STUCK! Make a decision, and live with it.

Yeah I know you are correct... My decision has been made and I will call the relationship off... If she was under the impression that we could go with other people then I could understand her thoughts then... But she has said that when we agreed to "seeing each" other (not a relationship) that we should not kiss any other person yet she did it... she is trying to say she was thinking that I will probably do it to her as all other guys she has been seeing would do it but I'm not buying this... she is doing that to relive her guilt... To kiss another person you have to be attracted to them end of and she did that cause she was attracted when drunk, now she thinks nothing of him cause sober... Before I knew this I thought she was the one I would be with and it hurts like hell that I have to let her go and know the fact that she will not do this mistake with the next guy and they will be happy... im absolutely heartbroken, every girl does this to me at the start its not fair

I think you need to work on your own issues, before you try to get with someone else. It would help you a lot.

I think you need to work on your own issues, before you try to get with someone else. It would help you a lot.

Don't you think its strange that she agreed you should only kiss the one person you are seeing someone yet she went and done it though?

A lot of people see "seeing someone" as the same as a relationship

Dont you think its strange that she agreed you should only kiss the one person you are seeing someone yet she went and done it though?

A lot of people see "seeing someone" as the same as a relationship

I'm not as insecure, as you are by any means, and I think you expect too much, to soon ,to be a healthy relationship. Your ability to make a mountain from a mole hill, and hold on to it, needs to be addressed, and if a professional can help do so.

Tyne, you ever look back at the 83 posts (now 84) and think, hm... so many different people are telling me to let it go. I WONDER if that's the right thing to do...

No? OK.

tyne, you ever look back at the 83 posts (now 84) and think, hm...so many different people are telling me to let it go. i WONDER if that's the right thing to do...

no? ok.


Im not mad believe it or not lol... I have read the posts... But does anyone understand that she is against going with others when you are "seeing someone" which is making me think how could this have happned then and all I can think is she liked this dude more than me for it to happen... is it in any way believable that cause of the way guys have left her for another girl in the past that this could have had some kind of influence??

I am strictly against drunk driving. I've done it.

I am strictly against smoking. I've done it.

People do things they don't believe in for the spirit (or passion) of the moment. It happens.

She may/may not have liked you more for it. You really can't confirm that by her actions. Married couples cheat on each other on their business trips just to get some @ss, not because they like their fling better than their spouses.

At this point, you're questioning HER self esteem? You're making a big deal out of nothing man. A simple accident. Let it go.

Fix this mess up before you get into another relationship.

One thing for sure, since you have broken it off, you'll never really know what was on her mind.

One thing for sure, since you have broken it off, you'll never really know what was on her mind.

Tal what do you mean?? Are you saying she could have been lying to me??

No... we're saying that because you made such a big fuss about it and broke it off... you'll never get to know the truth about anything you're assuming.

Had you handled it properly, then you probably would have had answers to most of your "assumptions"

no...we're saying that because you made such a big fuss about it and broke it off...you'll never get to know the truth about anything you're assuming.

had you handled it properly, then you probably would have had answers to most of your "assumptions"

But I asked her why it happened... I don't understand how staying with her would have made me understand why that happened...

It's as if everyone thinks I'm mad... I honestly wouldn't have battered an eyelid about this if we hadn't agreed to be seeing each other, OK boyfriend/girlfriend was not mentioned but its practically the same thing... She agreed you shouldn't kiss anyone else... If I satyed with her it couldn't be spoke about again so how can I get the answers to my assumptions??

I have to add we we agreed to officially see each other, hence anyone that asked her who she was seeing she said MY NAME, doesn't that show commitment to me only... Ok we didn't say we are boyfriend/girlfriend but it still felt that way

can't give tal a greenie.

if you two weren't exclusive, anything's fair game. is it tactful...? not really, but isn't that the whole idea of "dating"?

to describe it in a raw sense, dating's like trying on clothes. you pick out 3 - 4 things you want to try out, then you try them out...and then you pick the one you like the most.

you can be down about it, no doubt. I'd be down if a girl I really liked kissed another dude, but that's no reason to get mad about it and blurt it out to her. forget what your girl did before you two were official and let it go.

Just looking back here but "official" do you mean ofically boyfriend/girlfriend??

I took "seeing someone" as officall

What is everyone's veiws on these two status??

Seeing some one is a prelude to see if we can date exclusively, and that takes getting to know someone through interactions, it's also supposed to be fun while you get to know them and after a while, if things go great, you enter into exclusive dating or going together. Just my take on it. Now a days, people seem to go straight to exclusive after a few dates, and deal with getting to know someone later. I think that takes all the motivation for having fun, and getting comfortable, out of the equation, and puts rules and guidelines in its place. Just me mind you. Unless you have agreed to be exclusive, I feel you can date whomever you want, and should. Why rush in with the rules and regulations from the beginning? It takes a lot of talk, and give and take, to make those rules clear and fair.What could the hurry be?

Seeing some one is a prelude to see if we can date exclusively, and that takes getting to know someone thru interactions, it's also supposed to be fun while you get to know them and after a while, if things go great, you enter into exclusive dating or going together. Just my take on it. Now a days, people seem to go straight to exclusive after a few dates, and deal with getting to know someone later. I think that takes all the motivation for having fun, and getting comfortable, out of the equation, and puts rules and guidelines in its place. Just me mind you. Unless you have agreed to be exclusive, I feel you can date whomever you want, and should. Why rush in with the rules and regulations from the beginning? It takes a lot of talk, and give and take, to make those rules clear and fair.What could the hurry be?

I agree, I never would have went straight into boyfriend/girlfriend status hence why we agreed to officially start seeing each other... she said she would never have dated anyone else when seeing me as committed to seeing me... So this kiss that has happened has made me question her loyalty to "seeing someone"... She has used the reason that everyone else she has known has approached it that way and that every guy she has been "seeing" (not boyfriend /girlfriend) has went with another girl... Can you relate to her thinking this way or is this a way to make me feel less hurt and her past had no influence and it was purely attraction to this other guy??

I sent the below response to a relationship advice site and he has came back with this response

My question - So what your saying is she is trying to get away with it but in fact liked this guy??

Answer - No what I am saying is this girl has a different set of values. Values that let her kiss people she has just met, values which allow her to lie to some one she claims to want to be with, and values which allow her to take comfort in controlling others to suit her own vanity.
No one gets away with anything. If you have the same value system; then you will easily get enjoyment out of a relationship with her. If you are looking for something more endearing; then look else were.

My question -She said because every guy in the past has went with other girls this has made her not trust guys and be very weary... isnt this understandable if her self esteem has been damaged?

Answer - Has yourself esteem be damaged; you want to be her boy friend not her psychologist. Look if she is not healthy enough to be a real women then she is not ready for a real man like you. Hmm all I am saying is. If you want to explore a relationship with her go for it, but know that this girl is full of . Sorry If I seemed out of line, but please explore this as deeply as you would like, just be honest with yourself.

PLEASE NOTE I DID MENTION WE WERE SEEING EACH OTHER BUT NOT BOYFREIND/GIRLFRIEND... I FELT THE COMMENT ABOUT "THIS GIRL IS FULL FO SH*T" CONCERNING... DOES ANYONE AGREE WITH THIS OR DOES THIS SEEM HARSH?? DOES IT LOOK LIKE SHE IS LYING TO ME OR IS SHE JUST TRYING TO BE AS HONEST AS SHE CAN??