Hiya,

Was just wondering if you could offer any advice on my situation ?

Im 28 and my girlfriend (now ex) is 26. We've been together for just over 6 months now. I live about 70 miles away and only get to see her on the weekends. She is at school as a full time student and a photographer on the side.

Most of the time our weekends are great... time just flies by. I think were really compatible and we really have a lot of fun together. Were interested in the same things (music, travelling, partying, adventures). Ive met her parents, went to her Grandmas for christmas and spent that there with her. Her family likes me and I don't really see any issues there.

About 2 months ago she said she wanted some "space" as she was stressed out a lot with 3 deadlines at work (freelance photographer) as well as her college and art projects. She said a week... which I did, but it was hard. Things then went back to "normal" and we saw each other regularly. Our sex life was great until last weekend where she just simply said "no".

Yesterday over the phone we were speaking and I noticed something wrong just in her mood and tone. I asked her about it and eventually got her to confess that she thinks were not right for each other. I asked her why... and she just said that she doesn't love me as much as a few weeks ago... and says she feels like were in a old couples marriage relationship already! Ouch!

On one hand she says that, but in the same sentence she is saying that I've done nothing wrong, I'm a great boyfriend, and she still loves me and wants me in her life as a friend. I would bet that she's not seeing anyone else as she just doenst have the capacity for it, and I really really don't think she's that type of person.

She said that she loves me "so much" that she needs to let me go, as she feels that she can't give me what I'm looking for. She said that its easier to let me down now than in another 6 months. I just don't understand how she can think she loves me, but wants to get rid of me.

She also said sorry for knowlingly being so self centered, but she's been hurt brfore so I think this is a defense mechanism... but she said that she really needs to focus on herself.

I must admit that we've seen each other almost every weekend since we've met... I just don't know what to do, feel, say anymore... I got out of a messy divorce about a year and a half ago, where that completely ruined my life... and I vowed that I would never let myself get that low and depressed again, but I'm really feeling somewhat of the same right now.

My close friends just tell me to "play the game"... or "wait it out" and show her that you have a life too and don't NEED her... but I'm afraid if I don't contact her ill loose her forever.

Its been about 4 days now... ive sent her an email saying that id love to speak to her and to just give me a shout when she's ready.

Any advice would be great

Thanks in advance

Mr B

Your friend is right, do as she has asked, leave her alone until she contacts you.

show her that you have a life too and don't NEED her... .
Show her, and yourself, that you love yourself enough to be happy with being single, and don't need her to be happy.

but I'm afraid if I don't contact her ill loose her forever.

She has already walked away, so there is nothing to lose any more, except your dignity. That's your mind telling you she is more important, than you are, and that is unhealthy, and puts you on the path to misery and pain, by your own hand. Do not contact her, and live your life, making YOURSELF happy, without her. This will heal the pain and confusion, you feel now, with time and work, and allow you to heal, and move to doing better things with your life.

Sorry about the situation you find yourself in, mrbo; talaniman is the Man and this is the right place to be if you are looking for answers and help.

This is a common pattern that many people make when they meet someone else.

Stay with me for a second, hear me out.

She's at college you say? That means she's meeting dozens of new people on a weekly basis. Her pattern of behavior is consistent with the following: She met someone new that she kind of liked, but she was already involved so she didn't pursue it. But after time, she wanted to really get to know this guy. So she told you she needed a break and got with this guy. But then she felt sad because you weren't around (duh), so she went right back asap. Then when she was back together with you, she remembered why she wanted to break up again (to meet other people, this new guy probably had a great attribute about him that matched her personality that you don't have), and so she ended it once and for all.

This pattern happens a LOT! Then they say that they still love you and yada yada yada, just like you said she said. Same old same old. She doesn't want you to move on or see anybody else because if you do, it'll make her emotional. But if you chase her or try to win her back, it will just push her away. So that's a lose-lose.

You got to respect her wishes, and do a no contact. But basically, you'd be doing yourself a favor as well. You broke up. It's over. You say you've been together for 6 months, but 2 months ago she needed "space", so that's only 4 months in. That's not long. Hell, 6 months isn't long. That's a short short short short relationship. Not enough time to get to know someone inside and out. 80% of that person maybe. 85%-90% is possible. But you can't know someone 100% in only 6 months. She sounds flaky, needy, insecure. If you try your best to stay with her, she will just do this again and again to you.

I'm sorry buddy. I've seen this pattern a million times and I see no reason why your situation would be any different. I don't want to give you a sugar-coated response, something I'm sure you'd love to hear, but that's not reality and it won't help you one bit.

You need to read the following:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html


And keep posting in this forum. We're here to help!

Dating is... at it's most basic... and hunt. She appears to be moving on to a new hunting grounds and you can't actually stop her. Best to start the process yourself, too. Since she is single (as are you) then she doesn't owe you anything, hard as that may be to accept.

You're going to keep thinking about her because it is a well-developed habit. Until you actually acquire effective alternative use of the weekends (time you've been setting aside exclusively for her), then this is still going to be a problem.

You know, she gave you a good tip... describing your dating relationship as an "old couple relationship" may be telling. Don't try to overthink what she meant, but do consider it in your next relationship. Keep it fresh and unpredictable by making sure you are trying new things together every month... and I don't mean sexually. I mean to get out into the world and experience some stuff.

Thank you very much for your comments.

What I just don't understand is how can she feel this way when just a week ago she was singing my praises and saying that she loved me ? She also told me she would never throw away what we have... etc etc. I simply just don't understand... and what makes it more confusing for me is that she said I did nothing wrong, and was a great boyfriend.

She seemd really honest and open and just said that she needed space and loved me so much that she had to let me go? That sounds like a cheap cop out, but I simply can't accept that coming from her as it just doesn't fit her personallity... maybe I'm naïve, but I really feel that she was being honest ? The last time we spoke (the day of the breakup) I asked her if she thought we would ever be back together... she said she didn't think so.. I just don't understand...

BTW, over and over I read your problem, and she's simply trying to spare your feelings. Women are very emotional creatures. She knows how she would feel in your shoes, so she's trying her best to try to make you feel better about yourself, while still getting what she wants in return. It's evil as all hell, because that makes you think you still have a chance with her. So you contact and contact her over and over, and then she realizes that she made a mistake by keeping you close, so finally she cuts off contact completely.

thank you very much for your comments.

What i just dont understand is how can she feel this way when just a week ago she was singing my praises and saying that she loved me ? She also told me she would never throw away what we have...etc etc. I simply just dont understand...and what makes it more confusing for me is that she said i did nothing wrong, and was a great boyfriend.

She seemd really honest and open and just said that she needed space and loved me so much that she had to let me go ? ? That sounds like a cheap cop out, but i simply can't accept that coming from her as it just doesnt fit her personallity....maybe im naive, but i really feel that she was being honest ? The last time we spoke (the day of the breakup) I asked her if she thought we would ever be back together...she said she didnt think so.... ? I just dont understand...
That's a much simpler answer than you think, and I've already said it once in my responses. She's trying to spare your feelings. She's trying to make you feel better, because that in turn will help her feel better for making you feel so bad to begin with.

Women are emotional. Most of their lies or exagurations come out when they are trying to spare people's feelings, because that in turn will also make them feel good. They lie when their friend buys a hideous pair of shoes but call them "cute", or lies to you by telling you she "loves you", but in reality she means it as a friend, or doesn't love you at all. Sorry bro.

JBeaucaire:

I really think that this is not the case as she doesn't have the capacity for it... shes too busy with work and school art projects id say.

Well... whatever I do, like you say, she's gone now. I just got to not contact her. What should I do about our stuff at each others house ?

I really would like to know the honest truth if she is seeing someone else... I asked her point blank and she said "NO WAY"... I just want to be alone right now and focus on school and my art.

And if this was the case... why have her ACTIONS been so different up until a week ago ?

Her actions deffinately didn't match up with what she said the day we split... I think she really is confused...

I don't get why she broke it so quickly... she said that she has had doubts all along, but still... she never told me that and now it seems that she isn't even looking to give a chance, which I don't understand if you "love" someone... I haven't asked her or contacted her, but you would think that she would make contact if she was at least a friend ?

I just don't know anymore... this Sunday is my birthday and I'm almost sure she will show up to the party, as she chuckled last week about "what she was getting em for my b day". How does one act in this situation ? I don't want to show her that I'm weak, but I also want her to see that I care still...

JBeaucaire:

I really think that this is not the case as she doesn't have the capacity for it... shes too busy with work and school art projects id say.

What do you mean? My answer was to help you deal with your next relationship, I didn't mean to imply anything about her capabilities.

Well... whatever I do, like you say, she's gone now. I just got to not contact her.
Perfect. Do that!

What should I do about our stuff at each others house?Pack hers up, and drop it off when you go to get yours. And don't be a jerk that day, it will be real easy to be a jerk.

I really would like to know the honest truth if she is seeing someone else... I asked her point blank and she said "NO WAY"... I just want to be alone right now and focus on school and my art.This is just you screwing with your own head. You can't have her, so you're going to sit alone and analyze her every word and motivation and decide if you're going to believe it or not. UGH!

Cut it out. Find something positive and constructive to do with your mental energy. This is not only NOT helping you understand/accept anything about your now-ending relationship with her, it's also hurting your chances of moving on anytime soon.

If you really want to be an obsessive ex-bf (yeah, THAT guy), you're going about it the right way. You need to distract yourself with some real-life stuff of your own. She's busy, now you get busy, too.

I know how you feel mrbo because I been there. This girls actions are like protocol. Every story that starts like this all go the same way. They say that they love you and they need space, but what they do not tell you this is because she is interested in somebody else. This whole "space" thing is so she can pursue this other guy while you're the fall back guy. She wants to let you off easy, keep you close, but not too close. If you play by her rules you will surely loose. Her mind is made up and there is nothing you can do about it. Right now you need to listen to what everyone is telling you. You are not the first or last to feel this way.

Look at what we're all saying mrbo. We've all been there. We've all seen it happen to our friends or acquantences. We've all seen it happen on this forum. She's all giggly about your birthday? Great, another lie to keep you confused and confined to one spot so she can easily move on. You are the puppet, she is your master. And worst of all, you're letting her!!

JB gave a great response. You got to listen or else you will be "that guy".

Hmmm... its hard to swallow, but why won't she just admit that ? I don't understand aqll the lying.. I mean she never lied to me once yet??

hmmm...its hard to swallow, but why wont she just admit that ? I dont understand aqll the lying..i mean she never lied to me once yet ???
Because she's trying to spare your feelings. Imagine sitting in her position, being with you then being at college and meeting all these different guys. Which of the following sounds better?:

"mrbo, I'm breaking up with you because I found someone else that I think will make me much happier than you ever could. I want to break up with you now and begin persuing this new guy asap."

OR

"I love you and always will. You are so GREAT and special in every way. The problem is that I'm so busy with life that I just need space. This would be unfair to you and I just don't want to hold you back, so I have to break up with you for your best interest."


--------

I've heard the bottom one myself 2-3 times in my life, which left me like you. Sitting there confused and bewildered. Knowing what I know now, they most likely mean the top one. So she's probably honest when she says she doesn't hate you and wants you to be happy, she's just not honest with her reasoning. All this, to spare your feelings, so in the long run, her feelings aren't hurt.

Selfish on her part all the way.

One girlfriend I had, we were GREAT together. Omg I mean great. Then one day, out of the blue, she called and said "We need to break up." I asked why and she said "I met someone else, and I want to see what it may lead". So that was it. Best girlfriend I ever had. :P

JBeaucaire (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/jbeaucaire.html)

This is just you screwing with your own head. You can't have her, so you're going to sit alone and analyze her every word and motivation and decide if you're going to believe it or not. UGH!

Cut it out. Find something positive and constructive to do with your mental energy. This is not only NOT helping you understand/accept anything about your now-ending relationship with her, it's also hurting your chances of moving on anytime soon.

If you really want to be an obsessive ex-bf (yeah, THAT guy), you're going about it the right way. You need to distract yourself with some real-life stuff of your own. She's busy, now you get busy, too.
(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/jbeaucaire.html)

Had to spread the rep, but well said

hmmm...its hard to swallow, but why wont she just admit that ? I dont understand aqll the lying..i mean she never lied to me once yet ???
<nervous cough> Um, dude. You don't actually believe that, do you? Everybody lies. All the time. There are SO many different types of lies, it is a perfectly normal and reasonable part of interaction. So don't bother trying to convince this guy that people don't "massage the truth" in almost every conversation. Even tiny little adjustments.

It is constant. It's also fine.

You're even lying to yourself when you say "she never lied to me once yet." You're lying when you say "i don't understand all the lying." You MEAN to say "we had a fairly trustworthy relationship" and "I don't LIKE all the lying I'm detecting now." Now there are some comments that are more realistic.

Anyway, I sense you're not actually absorbing our suggestions/comments, you're actually just commenting on your own natural dissatisfaction over the whole thing. Ok, that's understandable. It doesn't change the fact that the responses you're getting here are probably the most helpful when you DO reach the point of actually wanting to move to the next thing.

Right now, seems like you're stuck, and only you can kick yourself out of this pothole. So, we'll still be here when that happens.

I would love to get out of this pothole... trust me! I don't know why I'm so hung up on her and naïve...

At this point if I already have lost her... why not just call and try to find out the truth ? At least I would know then and it would most deffinately help me get over her ? Im not trying to be pushy or "that guy"... but all I expect is the truth. I would rather her tell me "ive found someone else" than this long lying stuff...

If I had that answer I would never think twice about her again... but while in this "no contact" mode... ill never know and just drive myself crazy...

I do apreciate your guys help and answers... thank you.

You may be asking for something, even she can't answer. Cope with it for now, and heal yourself, and stop letting your mind play tricks on you. Your well being does not depend on any answer she can give you.

Hey mrbo,

Sorry about your girl, its never easy.

My take on the situation is that it's over, over for now, over for later, you yourself are going to determine how much suffering you will face.

Seems as if your mind is asking a lot of questions about why she would do this, why she would say this. It really is quite simple, WHO KNOWS? You can sit and wonder, analyze thoughts and actions but overall it really does not matter why she said she what she did, she certainly is not going to sit with you and clarify what was/is going through her head.

Some posts say she said what she did to let you down easy, you feel as if she really did/does love you, I say both could be true but really, will you ever know?

So a much better more constructive thing to do would be to focus ALLLLL your energy on walking away (you'll need it my friend). You will hurt, you will want to call, you will wonder why she hasn't called, you will think she has moved on, you will think she lied during the relationship, all the wonderful things that accompany a break-up. However, you will move on, you will laugh someday, you will be able to think of her and not care, you will see the big picture. Like I said before, how soon you wish to see the latter is totally up to you.

Lastly, you mentioned that you do not want to seem weak in front of her. Pretending your not weak is still pretending, deep down you know you are in front of her. Point is that as crazy as it seems or sounds, not contacting her will be a reflection of how strong you really are and that is where you will get your self-confidence back and begin coming out of this with knowledge and self-worth. LEarn from it or you stand to lose a lot more than just a girl in the future.

All the best.

hmmm...its hard to swallow, but why wont she just admit that ? I dont understand aqll the lying..i mean she never lied to me once yet ???

I wish there was a definite answer for that. I ask myself the same questions you are. I was with my girl for over 4 years. Everything was great between us and we both thought we would live the rest of out lives together. She told me that I was her best friend and that she loves me to death.

When the spring semester began (we both are college students in different schools less then an hour away) she started acting distant. When I asked her about it she gave the whole "i love you but I need some space" speel. She told me there was nobody else because (that was what my gut instinct was telling me so I had to ask). I loved her and trusted her so I reluctantly agreed to the break.

During this break she would call about every other day to talk. It seemed like this was only temporary and that we would get back together soon. She still told me that she loves me at this time. I was so confused, If she loves me and I am her best friend then why isn't she with me? I found the answer out about two weeks later (on my own might I add), she was with another guy since the day of our so called "break".

I felt like I got stabbed in the back. Why would she tell me that she loves me and I am her best friend but leave me for somebody else? Why did she lie to me when I asked her if there was anybody else. Why couldn't she just be honest about the whole situation. Does she still love me? These are the questions that bug me the most. You analyze everything and look for answers but in the end you do not have any and you are more confused.

I may never know the answers to those questions. I only wish that she was honest with me. I would have been able to forgive her.

I would love to get out of this pothole...trust me! I dont know why im so hung up on her and naive...

At this point if i already have lost her...why not just call and try to find out the truth ? At least i would know then and it would most deffinately help me get over her ? Im not trying to be pushy or "that guy"...but all i expect is the truth. I would rather her tell me "ive found someone else" than this long lying stuff.....

If i had that answer i would never think twice about her again.....but while in this "no contact" mode...ill never know and just drive myself crazy.....

I do apreciate your guys help and answers....thank you.


I tried this all already. I asked her if this was an easy break up because she found somebody else. She still lied about it and said no. I found out on my own about her seeing somebody else and had to talk to her one last time to see if its true. I knew it was true but I just needed to here it from her. I called her and when I asked her she was in shock and initially played it off. After she admitted to it and I informed her that because of what she did (lies and deceitful ways) I will never speak to her again.

Did it make me feel better? No, I think about her all day and night and I thought this would give me some closure. All I am left with are my memories and a list of unanswered questions with no answers.

Hmm... it seems I'm driving myself crazy here... you guys are right.

Im just going to forget about it and give her the space she asked for in the first place. I got to be the better person and even if she is lying to me, its only her loss.. as she will have to sleep with that forever.

My instinct tells me that she's not with anyone else, but well just wait and see how she is in a few weeks... I mean I got to get my things from her house anyway... nothing left to loose really is there.. and I deffinately got to snap out of this mood as its causing me stress at work, can't eat, sleep etc etc

Yea it sucks and I feel your pain. Try joining a gym or going out with your buddies more. That's should help ease your mind some.

Yea it sucks and I feel your pain. Try joining a gym or going out with your buddies more. Thats should help ease your mind some.

Yeah man... im going to do just that and stop driving myself nuts... I know at the end of the day that I have come into this with a clean heart...

Mrbo... I was kind of in the same situation as you are. My ex broke up with me because of my jealousy but was crying her eyes out wishing it didn't have to be this way and hope I change. I took this as a string of hope, so what did I do? I went to a therapist, am taking courses on my jealousy(doing very well) and reading books on the subject and have actually taking a liking to reading. Then only to find out, "her feelings have changed and doesn't want to be with me again, but there isn't anyone else. I just want to go out with my girlfriends" yea BULLCRAP! She was seeing this guy, not while we dated or anything, but it was an excuse and now she wants to be "friends" but I won't do it. She texts me sometimes, telling me she didn't have feelings for him while we dated, at first I responded saying things like "it doesn't matter anymore, we are over, you're free to go do you" and now I just don't respond. Just let her go man, ease the pain on yourself now. I feel 10x better, I go to the gym 6 days a week, am talking to girls. While I am still healing, each day gets better. I no longer wait for a call, or look at my phone hoping for her text. It will get better

Never let someone become a priority when you're just their option

This really all amazes me... wish I would have known about this forum when I went through my divorce a few years ago! Thanks for the advice everyone!

Never let someone become a priority when you're just their option

Your right... although I will be the better person, give her that time and in the end ill know just by her actions if she is a real friend or not.

Main thing is that I get out of this rut and get back on my game and handle biz & my side projects.

Your game will come back to you, don't rush it ha ha..

Hey man! So sorry for you! At least now you know what she wants- time to focus on what you need! I know you've still got feelings for her, but let her go- focus on your creativity and yourself, it will get you through this. I know it feels really raw now and it will for a loooong while. Might be an idea to get your stuff and then keep away for a looong time, just to heal a bit you know. She says she wants you as a friend- that's a bit like the carrot on a stick. If you want to prolong the feeling of "what if" then the friend thing is a great idea. The ball is in your court now- the only person who can make you feel better is you. Try not to analyse what might have gone wrong, you will never find out-chances are nothing did. Feelings unfortunately change. Try to be strong and get on with your life, lean on your friends and keep busy, things will improve.

UPDATE:

My Ex and I spoke yesterday for quite some time on the phone and it looks like its just a timing thing (she text me... fyi). She says that she just wants to focus on school, herself, self development and whatnot now while she is young...

Im glad that she seems to at least be telling me the truth... or as much of the truth as she possibly can... ohwell...

She still wants to remain friends and whatnot... which is OK too.

Onwards and upwards :) Maybe another 25/26 ish year old would cure my pain... maybe not... who knows, but I'm not sitting around waiting for someone that really doesn't appreciate me 100%! Whatever the story is...

Thank you all for the support and advice... its a good thing that places like this exist.

I'm glad your taking that approach, and just know you are not alone in your pain, as I think we all go through that pain, on our journey through life. It does get better, and much luck!

I'm sorry dude, and I know you do not want to hear this OK?
But she's not been faithful and has been cheating on you. She had to have been to break up like that. The reason why I know is because I am going through the same thing. My girl that I love so much will still say over and over how much she loves me, but she "can't be with me because it is what's best." I showered the girl with everything and now she's stabbed me in the back. In fact, the only thing that takes me out of the boat you're in, is that she had told one of her friends that me and her were nothing... Shocking right? Just think about it
She's got one of those friends right? The dudes that are always there
Well they're always there...
Sadly enough