Dear All,

I have recently discovered this site through searching the net on break ups. I am from England am 25, and was going out with a beautiful 26 yr old, 15months older than me. We met about a year ago, clicked brilliantly, like the same things, are both chilled out, seemed like all was great, had a really good relationship. She always tried to keep things at arms length, as she had only 6 months previously got out of a 7 year relationship with a guy who ditched her for another girl.

So she basically was trying to not get hurt, by not getting too deep about things. Anyhow we were going out for 7 months and all was good, I was dead happy seemed like we were kindred spirits, however she has a few issues with her dad, and her mum died 3 years ago, so she doesn't have the mum to chat to anymore about things. One day in July she said "i don't know what i want, and i don't think i can do this anymore". Ever since she split with her long term partner she has developed an independent streak as she doesn't want to be left in the lurch again, so she pushed me aside to try and deal with the issue of her dad annoying her. We had no contact for a week then she contacted me via email, saying she missed me, and had thought of nothing but me and what she wanted. So we got back together, and I said lets just take it easy and see how we go. We had developed into best mates as well, and the next five months were great, we were definitely getting closer. Just before christmas though, she met up with her ex to exchange xmas cards, (nothing dodgy here, as he is with someone else, and my ex was v.close to his mum) I was a little pissed off, but nothing too bad. The night before she went to see him, she was saying things like ' I won't go and see him if you don't want me too' and 'its taken me this long to realise how much I love you and want to be with you'. Only 3 days earlier we were out with my mates and she was saying how much she was looking forward to 2008 with me.

She met with her ex on the Monday night, then sent me a text saying all went OK, and am looking 4ward to seeing you 2moro. The next day she had a counselling session which she had recently started having to chat about things, such as her dad, and it turns out me. That evening, I went round to her flat, and to cut a long story short, she said she didn't know what she wants again and we split up.

We then saw each other just before new year to give out gifts to each other, and we spent the day and night together, and she was saying things like' I don't know what to do, tell me what to do, ' and I'm so happy I could cry' when we were lying in bed together.

We then gave each other the things we had at each others places back, and that was it, on new years eve.

Since then I have contact from her about every week, just things like ' I am thinking of you etc, and all the good times we had together, and I want you to know that I do miss you, and I miss having a buddy to chat too etc etc. each time I have replied with a text saying I miss you too and hope you realise what you are missing as we got on so well together.

Two days ago, I got an email from her saying that she had spent all weekend thinking about me, and that she wants me to know this, and that she can't stop thinking how well we first dated and how we did everything so perfectly. She then said that she doesn't necessarilly want me to reply, but wants me to be aware that I am still in her thoughts and that she has not forgotton about me and all the cool times that we spent together. She also says that she misses me and having someone to chat too, that she lost her confidant. And that she hopes I don't mind her emailing me.

I have not replied, as there's nothing more I can say to her, as she already knows how I feel.

The reason she broke up with me was that she doesn't think we are going to get married and have kids together, and I also think that she hasn't been single enough to realise what a good thing is when it comes along, as she seems to have this doubt about what else is out there. Which I guess is natural if you've only been single for 6months in your whole dating life.

She says I tick all the boxes, and am marriage material, thinks I am gorgeous, and used to say 'don't break my heart all the time when she was drunk' yet she's the one who is breaking mine.

I'd love to have her back as my girlfriend, as I know what I want, but I guess that the only way we could work is if I let go, and see if she realises what she wants and that would be me.

In the meantime I am hanging out with my mates I neglected and doing some new things, but I have this big void in my life, especially at the weekends when I miss her most. I'm not willing to be friends with her, as I am hurting too much, and I guess I want it to be all or nothing boyfriend or not.

I know I have rambled on, but would appreciate any suggestions. Its been just over a month since we actually saw each other, but she did text me 2 weeks ago to say she was looking for me in a club when she was out with her mates, but fortunately I was in the club next door and didn't see her.

I'd like her to realise that there are many tuna's in the sea and not many salmon (my analogy of the male dating pool for you ladies looking) as I class myself as a salmon! I'd love her to realise this, but I cannot wait around for her as that is not productive for me.

I'd love her back, but she has to come to me and say this, which she hasn't yet.

Any advice/input would be most grateful, she did say it could be a case of right guy wrong time, so she's definitely a little confused!

Thanks in advance,

Jimmy

She is confused, and needs a lot of time to get her act together, but does that mean you have to put your life on hold? I certainly hope not. All you can do is enjoy your life without her, and see how YOU feel, when she does contact you. Until then, leave her alone. Its important that you enjoy yourself, and concentrate on your own happiness, without her. Sorry , there are no easy answers as to how long it will take her, but start doing your own thing NOW!

Listen to talaniman. I really don't think she got over the ex and she rebounded to you. Classic signs, giving a card to the ex, stringing you along while she waits to see what else might materialize, confused.

I really feel for you man, here you are with your act together, you care for her, treat her well and because she is still conflicted with unresolved relationship issues from her past, you end up paying the price.

She is confused, and needs a lot of time to get her act together, but does that mean you have to put your life on hold?? I certainly hope not. All you can do is enjoy your life without her, and see how YOU feel, when she does contact you. Until then, leave her alone. Its important that you enjoy yourself, and concentrate on your own happiness, without her. Sorry , there are no easy answers as to how long it will take her, but start doing your own thing NOW!

I guess you are right, must keep getting on with things. She's contacted me kind of every 7-8 days over the last 3 weeks, with the email on Monday being the latest. I had a look at some other posts on this site and it seems that it's a bit of guilt that gets them emailing/txting to say 'hi, hope your well' and ' I miss you' but mainly your company as opposed to missing my boyfriend and I want you back.

Went out last night with two mates, had a few drinks, went on to a club, and actually only realised that I didn't think about her when I was walking home, so instead of normally thinking that I'm out and shes' not there, how could this night possibly be any good, I actually had a really good time.

I just hope in a way she doesn't text me on Saturday when she's normally out, saying ' Hi are you out tonight?' not that she's after a booty call or anything. Is it best not to even bother replying to texts like that? She sent one the other weekend saying that she was out in a club and was looking for me, and wanted me to meet her friends that I never met when we were together.

It is confusing!

This girl is very confused about your relationship, yes, but she's also dealing with the loss of her Mum. Three years is really not long at all. She is still grieving. I lost my Dad 4 years ago and it still feels like yesterday.

She needs to figure out herself, her feelings, her issues, her life. You have been a faithful friend, you've watched her go up and down on this emotional roller coaster, and you've stayed accessible and sweet and caring through it all.

BUT... she is taking too much from you and not giving back. A relationship is about giving and receiving the support that you need... physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She's using you as that security blanket while trying to make sense of her life... you are her security blanket, her faithful fall back.

Like tal says, you need to enjoy your life and see how YOU feel. You should be a half of a relationship in which there is equal support and attention. You deserve a girl who is able to love you in return, just as much as you love her.

I'm not saying that simply because a girl loses a parent that she is unable to love and give in a relationship - because that's not true. I'm saying that its going to take time for this girl to figure out that she is going to be OK without her mum... Be there for her, but at a distance. Realize that you need to be able to go on, let her go, and concentrate on what life can be.

Good luck to you. I really hope you are able to figure this out.

This girl is very confused about your relationship, yes, but she's also dealing with the loss of her Mum. Three years is really not long at all. She is still grieving. I lost my Dad 4 years ago and it still feels like yesterday.

She needs to figure out herself, her feelings, her issues, her life. You have been a faithful friend, you've watched her go up and down on this emotional roller coaster, and you've stayed accessible and sweet and caring through it all.

BUT... she is taking too much from you and not giving back. A relationship is about giving and receiving the support that you need... physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She's using you as that security blanket while trying to make sense of her life.... you are her security blanket, her faithful fall back.

Like tal says, you need to enjoy your life and see how YOU feel. You should be a half of a relationship in which there is equal support and attention. You deserve a girl who is able to love you in return, just as much as you love her.

I'm not saying that simply because a girl loses a parent that she is unable to love and give in a relationship - because that's not true. I'm saying that its going to take time for this girl to figure out that she is going to be ok without her mum... Be there for her, but at a distance. Realize that you need to be able to go on, let her go, and concentrate on what life can be.

Good luck to you. I really hope you are able to figure this out.


Thanks for this. I know she is confused, and she wants to try and sort things out on her own instead of leaning on anyone. She wanted to be able to come home from work and think nothing, but she's struggling with that as she spent the weekend thinking of me, but not in a ' I'd like you back as my bf'. I have not contacted her, and will do my best to let her go and figure things out.

All good advice. If you look at the relationship as you describe it, both you and she are acting like what she feels/thinks is the only issue. Staying with a person like that is like putting a dog collar on with a leash because your relationship is completely in her control, what she wants/says/needs governs everything.

What you really want is a girl who seems to concern herself with your feelings, too. Equally, if not more, than her own.

A couple who are each seeking after the other's well-being is in an awesome place.

Oh, and when you do get into another relationship, you should be able to respectfully insist she "NOT" be meeting with and trading emails/holiday cards with exes. They are an EX for a reason, and when looking after your mate's well-being, you don't do things that would threaten their confidence in your relationship. That goes for you, too.

Hi Guys,

After 9 days since the last email I got, and to which I didn't reply, I got the following;

Yo J

I know that you did not reply before so permission to tell me to bugger off but I hope that you have a cool day what ever you are doing with whom? I do still think about you and would love to arrange to see you again. I walked passed your place twice the other eve to check that you were OK and could have done with a boy hug/ chat/catch up as yet again my dad had really upset me!

Love to hear what your up to

Regards

Now I was her best friend and confidant as well as her BF, but I am not going to be her fall back guy or friend, as she broke up with me. I just find it funny that she would walk past my house, surely it should be the other way around?

I am unsure as of what to do next. I won't reply today that's for sure. I am doing OK with NC thus far. I have read some of the other posts and Tal, you say that often the dumper wants their space but for you not to have yours, and that their attitude is selfish. As I write this, that's how I'm feeling. She is supposed to have her space to sort herself out, and she was the one who made the decision to split up. Surely she can't have her cake and eat it, with me being her best mate again?

With no contact there is no confusion! But then a part of you wants them to contact you. Doh!

Any suggestions would be great.

Sounds like your doing good with NC. Keep it up that's all you got to do. There may be a chance for friendship when you are both completely over it, but not now.

At least 9 days of NC!
That's great!
Don't give in and reply. She's probably just feeling lonely and missing her best friend/BF/confidant. There was a reason she broke it off and that needs to be resolved first and foremost.

I've drafted the following email but haven't sent it.

Hi Lib,

I am doing well thanks, have been up to all sorts, including passing my first motorbike test the other weekend and have got 2 trips planned one to Amsterdam, the other Skiing in March.

When you ended things it was because you did'nt think we'd get married and have kids, and you were unsure of us. By being apart from each other it should give you a chance to reassess what you do want, as this should help to clear your mind and reach a decision further down the line.

To think that I could go from being your boyfriend to your friend just like that, is not realistic at all. I would hope you could understand this. + as much as I want to be the person who can hug you and be there for you as your confidant, I cannot as at present I want more from you, and to hang out with you is only going to create more confusion in my mind as to what your intentions are. Therefore to not have any contact with each other can only benefit both of us, as it should enable us both to think about what we really want in our lives.

You are missing having your best mate and your confidant, but not necessarilly your boyfriend it appears in your emails.

Whatever will be, will be as we've said, and as I've said before if the times comes and you realise you want a relationship with me, and if I'm in a position to want one too, then we can go from there.



J



Xx

Any thoughts?

That sounds very good and mature. Maybe this will give you some closure. Still you write "if you decide to come back"... Those thoughts shouldn't be there. I mean of course they will be but they shouldn't be exposed in any way or form. Perhaps you should simply throw away or burn this letter as you've already expressed your mind. The less she knows, the better. Just stay amongst your friends and get new ones. Stay busy. I know how difficult it can be. I feel that saying nothing, yet knowing how things must be, is better. Being that you already know how things are going to be at least for now, based on your letter, I'd say don't send it but you seem to be doing good for now and we shouldn't take any chances. Leave it as it is as you will be happier knowing you have a bit of the upper hand while still being humble and not bitter which is magnificent! I'm with you on this mission my friend!

Not bad jpm...

Funny you mention ski trip in march + amsterdam.

I planned a similar trip: snowboarding in march + amsterdam in may.

I just don't want to be a doormat for her, as much I would love to see her, I can't help but think if I did, my old feelings would come out and I'd be back to square one.

Yep. Don't do it.

You have expressed yourself well, but like Emo, I don't think you should let her know the door is still open. I wouldn't send it. I would not react to her at all at this time. She wants her friend back, and seems to be going to great lenghts to get it, but that doesn't help you at all now, does it?? Stay on the path and be unavailable. Your healing is what matters. She has to accept that, and leave you alone for now. That would be caring. That's not what she is doing. If her emails bring out the emotions and confusion, just think what seeing her, and actually talking to her, would do. A hug?? You already know the answer don't you? Any contact by you, would invite more of the same by her.

That sounds very good and mature. Maybe this will give you some closure. Still you write "if you decide to come back"...Those thoughts shouldn't be there. I mean of course they will be but they shouldn't be exposed in any way or form. Perhaps you should simply throw away or burn this letter as you've already expressed your mind. The less she knows, the better. Just stay amongst your friends and get new ones. Stay busy. I know how difficult it can be. I feel that saying nothing, yet knowing how things must be, is better. Being that you already know how things are going to be at least for now, based on your letter, I'd say don't send it but you seem to be doing good for now and we shouldn't take any chances. Leave it as it is as you will be happier knowing you have a bit of the upper hand while still being humble and not bitter which is magnificent! I'm with you on this mission my friend!

Could't add another rep post, she did split up with me after all, so she can't have her cake and eat it, she lost something as well, and its harsh but she's got to realise it! Must stay with NC, unless I catch her outside my house on a 'walkby' lol!

Thanks for the posts guys, really really appreciate it!

Received a valentines day message - just saying happy valentines day this evening, but I didn't reply!

I'm on no contact highway, heading west!

Unless she is banging down my door saying I need to talk to you, I'm not replying!

Ever notice how easy it is to send an email to someone?? But the effects are a lot greater. There's a moral there somewhere.

Ever played a game of "blink"... two people stare at each other until one blinks.

In this relationship game, she's already blinked, and keeps blinking, but if you blink back EVEN once... she's the winner. Don't give it to her.

I will do my best not too blink. Unless she is standing on my doorstep trying to talk to me I won't respond.

I call it the 'Mata Hari complex' after reading the statement 'and with whom' that she's said. She doesn't necessarily want you, but doesn't necessarily want anyone else having you, either. It's denting her pride that you're not running after her, you're supposed to be broken hearted and begging, and you're obviously not, to her. Keep up the NC, there's going to be someone better and more caring out there for you, bet on it!

I call it the 'Mata Hari complex' after reading the statement 'and with whom' that she's said. She doesn't necessarily want you, but doesn't necessarily want anyone else having you, either. It's denting her pride that you're not running after her, you're supposed to be broken hearted and begging, and you're obviously not, to her. Keep up the NC, there's going to be someone better and more caring out there for you, bet on it!

You are more than likely right. As much I do want to meet up with her, it won't get me anywhere, as we'd probably have a great time but in the back of my mind I'd want to know what her intentions are. I'd probably ask her, she'd probably say I don't know, or just being friendly. I'd come home bang my head against a brick wall and come on here and post that I'd been a complete tool for giving in.

NC is also very hard for me to do, but I know that it is the best course of action. She wanted to be alone and to think nothing when she came home from work, etc and I was a confusion in her life. If she really wants me, which there isn't any hint yet, then she has to make more effort.

In the mean time, I went speed dating last night, and it was really good fun!

Thanks for the posts guys.

J

There is no shame whatsoever in giving your heart and soul, to another human. NONE!! But when they give it back, take it, say thanks for the memories, and move on.

There is no shame whatsoever in giving your heart and soul, to another human. NONE!!!! But when they give it back, take it, say thanks for the memories, and move on.

So far at work this morning all I can do is think about her. There is this big part of me that wants to see her, but I know it won't do me any good.

This doesn't seem to be getting any easier, I guess its because contact from her in this 'friend/what you up too/curious manner/ stirs up some confusion in me.

I was quite clear on the ' relationship or nothing' line when we parted, as it wasn't going to be fair on me to try and be her friend when my feelings are so strong.

AAAKKK!

You have to expect that she will haunt your thought, and you know that getting busy, is what to do when she does.

jpm247,
How do you do it! Its very wise,you seem to benefit from NC,me still hurting,its bbeen two weeks though,wonder when does it get better

I guess I just know that there's nothing I can do that will make her change her mind, that has to happen by herself. Maybe by ignoring her I am ruining something happening in the future, but its best for me to have NC, even though I'd love too. I don't want to hear her saying I miss my friend, and not my boyfriend, which is probably what will happen if we meet up.

She only lives 5 minutes walk away as well, but I haven't seen her for just over 6 weeks now, but its all fresh in my mind.

I also don't want to appear harsh by not replying to anything she sends me, but then I think she split up with me and she needs to live with that.

It's a tough call all round.

Should I definitely not send her that email I composed?

I'm getting tired of thinking about her, I'm sure it will get better soon though.

Keep your chin up Vivia12!

Hey,

I completely understand what you're now going through,even though your situation is still fresh,mine (if you read my post when you get a chance) is what happens when you remain friends with your ex, me I call him ex -friend!
When he called a couple of times I didn't reply,why because it would send me back to square one,and I didn't need anymore of his heartless rejecting,look we're friends that's all we can be,get over it,emails.
Some people can be just as harsh,especially when they are the ones who o give you false hopes.
If you have to break NC,just send a light text or email,I mean light, by one sentence, hey,I'm doing fine, thanks for asking'
Leave it at that,you ever get those short replies? Well that's how it will be, just leave it at that,because when your mind-heart wants to break NC,you
Ll do it, but be careful,don't give her an invitation for friendship when that's not what you want.
Hope it helps

Should I definitely not send her that email I composed?

If you want to heal, do it right and send her nothing, and no replies either. Disappear from her life, and live your own. Its so unhealthy to worry how someone else feels, and ignoring yourself.

Hey jpm, and Tal,just when I thought I wouldn't hear from him he just called after 2 weeks, but I didn't respond,I just stared at my phone while it rang.
I 'm not trying to be cruel but if I answered it I'l be in square one (part of me is glad he did call) this is so weird but Tal is so right, disappear from their lives. But question Tal,
Does disappearing lessen the chance of them reconsidering or coming back? Just curious

but question Tal,
Does disappearing lessen the chance of them reconsidering or coming back? Just curious

I have no idea what it does for them, and honestly, that has never been my focus, or concern. The only thing I can say is people make better decisions about there lives, when they are healthy, and seeing things as they really are. No illusions or false sense of security, or intense feeling we can misinterpret. No being used because of those feelings or manipulated because wecare more for them and how they feel than we do for ourselves. No contact sends a powerful message though, DO NOT BOTHER ME WITH YOUR BS, I DON'T HAVE TIME!! We often lose our self respect and dignity, catering to the feelings, and whims of others, who may be selfish, or whatever. NC, is about you, and only you, because you can't have a real healthy love, for anyone or anything, until you love yourself first. Its about standing up for YOURSELF, and not falling for their BS! Hell if they are not willing to give some to get some what's the point of being with them. Ain't that much love in the world, that calls for me to give all I have, and can't expect the same thing back. Is that fair, or what??

After we are healthy, we are free to do whatever we want. We can take calls, and emails, and have coffee, and talk to anyone we darn well please. It starts with being healthy, and happy enough, to love yourself first. Please read "Flower power" by BMI, on this forum.

Definitely fair Tal,

If they want to treat you as if you're not even an option or anything gof significance then why give them importance. I get it, NC is saying "Enough is Enough'
But I'm worried about JPM,he may be sending that email to his ex as we speak! Oh well

Many listen to advice, and do as they wish, that's cool. We are responsible for our actions, and the consequences of them. I give advice, but you are free to do as you wish. Everyone is.

Very true,I'm following the NC advce and not responding, just don't want someone or anyone to make the same mistake that I did.

If you want to heal, do it right and send her nothing, and no replies either. Disappear from her life, and live your own. Its so unhealthy to worry how someone else feels, and ignoring yourself.

So Tal,You believe in total NC and disappearing from the persons life,no exceptions?
Maybe my thought is that would counter the person ever reconsidering since a NC-er is not responding to any attempts of contact, understandably, that would be essential,at least to be healthy and not live on false hopes. Just wondring,is disappearing way too harsh,or is it the only remedy,some people do very LC, light contact. Just want your opinion

I have heeded the advice, and have not and will not send the email.

Your question you've just asked Vivia is exactly how I am feeling too, and it is exactly the kind of mindset that Tal is trying to rid us of. As we are wondering how our actions are being interpreted by the ex, instead of just concentrating on ourselves and not worrying about what they are thinking.

I desperately want to contact her etc, but that will only put me in the friends category which will mean I'll be beating myself up inside when I see her, and also she gets what she wants. What about me?

So your thinking that not responding is probably a bit harsh, and you kind of want to keep the communication lines open, as this may mean they come back. But I genuinely think that whilst every situation is different the main theme is always the same. I would say give them the gift of missing you, and develop the NWTBFOTP. Which is no where to be found on the planet. Let them miss you, as they will, but what's the point at this stage in the healing to give them what they want. We should concentrate on ourselves as best we can, and if they really want to come back, then they will make it clear. I.e banging on your front door saying I made a dreadful mistake. Until then, they have given up the right to know what I've been doing etc, by giving up the relationship. Mine is particularly hard to stomach as me and my ex had an amazing year, and get on so well, and I miss her everyday at the moment, but if someone hasn't had much dating experience/ been with enough people they probably don't realise a good thing when it comes along.

So disappear from their lives, they gave you up, not the other way around. No contact from you will keep the confusion down, be polite as Tal says if you see them, but don't let them back into your life, unless its what you want, and on your terms.

I went out last night, and cried on the way home, as I miss her so much. I'm not afraid to admit it, and if she felt the same way she'd let me know instead of hiding behind an email saying 'id love to know what you've been up too'.

If its meant to be its meant to be, and if they want you they will let you know.

Until then, stick with the NC, and try as hard as you can to not think how your actions are being interpreted by the ex.

Oh, and I like the signature, keep heading west :)

Keep digging deep, I've hit magma at the moment! Lol

Hey J!
Glad you liked that signature, you very much inspired it,it's the best Quote,I've ever heard.
Thank you for your insight also, it helps me very much, while in my case I won't be running into him, he's in another country,or planet so to speak,planet him!
Its okay you willl feel sad,hurt cry,like that ole saying goes don't ever let them see you sweat. Give them the gift of missing you is right on target
My therapist,(yes I'm from NY,its so vogue to have one there,even the therapists have therapists)
Says I should e-mail him not to contact me for a while, I was contemplating doing maybe if he tries again but I don't want to break NC even sending that e-mail,we'll see. Would you be willing to do that yourself if she contacts you?
If they want you back they will make it clear not just calling-not leaving message or txting-or e-mail what's up J. in your case. Tw, what's NWTBFOTP? If its cussing maybe you should Pm it,don't want them kicking us out of this site for inapropriate language!

Lets head West on that Highway,passing St. Louis!

NWTBFOTP = no where to be found on the planet!

Like your quote maybe you'll find Gold when you dig deep.
Its sad how people chose to give up or walk away,or not appreciate the person they were with. Leaving them to pick up the pieces,with mine sadly a third party was involved so he couldn't wait to hook up with her.
So why should I still be in his friendzone when he has someone else.
That's whay you don't want to be on the friendzone, I read that its always on their terms since they see that you'll stay in their lives no matter what, even if they are with someone else, hopes that's not your case.

Very true.

I miss her dearly, we never fought or anything, so I thought I'd found someone very special. If its meant to be its meant to be, as Tal says, we need to get healthy first, and seeing her in a friend capacity is not going to be healthy for me, as I want more.

If she realises what she's missing one day, I'll see where I am and how I feel once I'm emotionally more stable.

I heard that they do circle back especially after you moved on but then it would be too late. Question J. As well as txting or dropping by, did she ever call you? If so would you respond if its her?
Just a bit confused,if I never answer his calls, wouldn't it seem as though I'm still upset? (well I am, but don't want him to know that) My case I have every right to be since he callously told me that all we're ever going to be is friends and that's it. Well I'm not interested in that or keeping contact as his friend while he rejects me and is with his new flame. I have toyed with the idea of answering and trying to sound cool like I'm over it,but I don't know how I could pull this off when I'm not? Not sure what to d,if the situation presents itself. No not pulling off to the side of the highway,just contemplating a bit.

I heard that they do circle back especially after you moved on but then it would be too late. Question J. As well as txting or dropping by,, did she ever call you? if so would you respond if its her?
Just a bit confused,if i never answer his calls, wouldnt it seem as though i'm still upset? (well i am, but dont want him to know that) My case i have every right to be since he callously told me that all we're ever going to be is friends and thats it. Well i'm not interested in that or keeping contact as his friend while he rejects me and is with his new flame. i have toyed with the idea of answering and trying to sound cool like i'm over it,but i dont know how i could pull this off when i'm not? Not sure what to d,if the situation presents itself. No not pulling off to the side of the highway,just contemplating a bit.


I think that if he's off with another girl, then I wouldn't answer the calls. And in my case, my heart would probably be pounding but I'd have to let it ring out and not answer. If they left a message see what it says, but otherwise I think I'd not answer it.

J

My heart pounded also, when I was staring at my cell when it rang.
He's been w/her for a while now so him calling,even though it in way makes me feel that I'm not that forgettable, doesn't do anything if he doesn't lave a message,or that he wants to be with me,fat chance,I guess disappearing is my best and only bet.. not to get him back but to save the scrap of digbity I have left, do you ever feel the same way, seems like you're doing great and no tmade any mistakes I hd in the past-being fiends,that's not what you want, especially if or when she breaks the news that she met someone else. Worst day of my life when he told me.
I will take your advice to heart J,and hope you're feeling OK, you are advice helped me a lot too. Magma, that reminds me oof my Geology class,its molten rock isn't it? :)

Hi JPM
I think Tal has pretty well covered everything you should be doing here but seeing as you requested I read your story I will give you my opinion. It also seems you know what needs to be done and are doing it well.

The trick is not to fall into the trap of breaking NC when the times get hard , those moments when you have a bad day or 2 are the worst , but you just have to work through them.

Bottom line is she has thought about this for some time and has made her decision , you don't just wake up one morning and decide to Dump somebody , particularly if you still love them.

She feels guilty and I would say is making contact to ease that guilt , if you respond or are there for her in any way at the moment you end up feeling worse because you never really have the closure you require , don't be her doormat or her backup. Be strong , stay strict NC and start to heal.

No point wasting your energy on someone who isn't willing to reciprocate. And if its meant to be in the future you will at least have put yourself in a mental state where you can make a decision based on logic and not emotion. And you will have kept your dignity.

Many thanks friend4U, I appreciate the input, I really do.

The past weekend has been particularly hard, but I have not borken NC. I'm not saying its easy to do, its tearing me up quite badly at the moment. But some days are better than others at the moment, so I'll keep rolling with it, and see where it takes me.

Use the "delete" icon and delete his messages, better yet, put it in your spam folder.

Its been a particularly tough couple of days, definitely an up and down ride at the moment. I have read that to properly heal, you have to let go. I am wondering how I do that?

At the moment, I am thinking of her probably too much, I guess its just because I miss her badly.

But then again , why waste my my time and my thoughts on the person that has caused me this much pain? Then I have a thought that I should see her to give her that hug and be there for her, then my head takes over and says no!

Stay NC. That's 3 attempts at contact and I haven't replied. She has no invitation from me to enter the friends zone, as that would be what she wants again.

This is seriously tough going, and I thank everyone for their input. Its amazing how many people have gone through it, and are going through it.

JPM
It's not easy , but you have to realise your doing this for you , why worry about her and be there for her? Is she doing that for you , NO!! She's contacting you to ease her guilt. Let her current boyfriend worry about her.

You either start it now or you let her contact and answer and it just delays the process.

Hang in there buddy, as hard as it is, the rewards are even better.

Hey J.
You're not the only one whose practing NC, remember you gave me great advice so know that you're not alone


Get on that No Contact Highway!

Guys,

I am a broken man.

I have been out tonight to a bar/club, and my ex's best mate was at the coat stand taking the coats etc. I stupidly said hello and go chatting etc, she said she didn't know too much about my and my ex's breakup as they had stopped talking to each other recently but she knew that we had split up.

Then she said she new that my ex had tried to contact me, and I had not bothered to respond. I said imagine that you really liked a guy and he got rid of you, but you stayed around on his terms for whatever he wanted, you'd be a doormat for him. What about what you wanted? She said I understand but I am a doormat at the moment for a guy I am seeing... I said don't ever be that, as you are worth so much more.

Basically she said that my ex was wondering if I'd be still around as she is a little lonely and wants some physical action etc, and if I was up for that.

That has made me feel the lowest I have ever felt.

I'm sick of going out and coming home and feeling like crap. There's me thinking that she might be missing the relationship we had, but if I take her mates words as gospel she is quite clearly not. All she is missing is her mate to share some problems with and some guy to feel close too.

I feel such a fool for thinking that she may be missing me. I really hope that some good days come around one day, as this is really hurting. Its probably the reality check I need to be honest, that someone you cared so much about couldn't really give a dollar about how you are feeling. I genuinely thought she would be missing the relationship we had. How could I be so wrong? All I want to do is leave this town I live in and get away asap. I', 25 have a good job and can go anywhere I want, but I feel at the moment I have gone 10 rounds with mike tyson at his peak.

Tonight has hurt me so much, I cannot believe that this girl would have been so shallow, to think after a year together I'd be happy to be her fu*k buddy.

I know its not from her herself but it still cuts me deep.

I wish I hadn't said hello to her mate.

And I am so fed up of feeling so low. I was doing OK today as well.

J

Xx

This goes to show you how critical a policy of N/C is. It includes collecting/accepting info from 3rd parties, too.

Now that you've broken N/C by taking in the new info, see how it didn't help at all? AND, you don't even know if it's accurate. So you feel worse and have nothing useful to show for it.

N/C means working on your own heart and motivations, setting the way to eventually be OK with your lingering feelings for the EX. You can't forget, so N/C is a coping tool, meant to strengthen you and get you through it.

Also, as long as you're talking to other girls about your EX, you aren't courting THEM. Now that's a missed opportunity. Even if you have no intention of pursuing girls like the one in your post above, it is STILL good practice to spend your time talking to THEM about what they like and getting to know them.

Also not a bad idea to help those conversations guide away from discussions of THEIR exes, too. Talk about dreams, hopes, jobs, fantasies... etc.

Start thinking forward again.

I know you are right, I shouldn't have even bothered to talk to her friend! What a wally!

I am trying to be as strong as I can. I haven't contacted her at all, guess I didn't realise how an innocent chat with a 3rd party could have opened up the wound a bit.

I will remember next time!

Not only have you learned a valuable lesson, you now where you are in the healing process, FRESH. The same thing applies to her friends as her, be nice when you see them, but to busy, or in a hurry, for conversation. You may have to be a little more proactive in your healing, and get busier.

"Then she said she new that my ex had tried to contact me, and i had not bothered to respond. I said imagine that you really liked a guy and he got rid of you, but you stayed around on his terms for whatever he wanted, you'd be a doormat for him. what about what you wanted?? She said i understand but i am a doormat at the moment for a guy i am seeing... i said don't ever be that, as you are worth so much more."

Hey J, what are you doing reading about my life?its so me what you've described hang in there,go west!

My ex(friend) just called and was still immature running the friends line,
Nothing changes,just same oled crap, I say forget it,not being any friend to no guy who kixks me to the curb,
What you're feeling now J. is anger, that's part of the healing process.
Believe me,I'm going through the same thing, now its just,what the hell did I waste my time for attitude,comes w/acceptance.
Do good things for yourself, you have the weekend off?
Are you In England by the way? You say mate, my goodness, if I was there, I would be hitting all the historic sites, do something good for yourself,promise.

Don't contact her. Mark the e-mail as spam and delete it.

Leave her be.

The universe will take care of the rest!

leave her be.

the universe will take care of the rest!

Ash you're the best with your wisdon, please bring more okay? I missed that!

Hi all,

I haven't posted in a while but thought id send out an update as I could do with a little pick me up.

Basically I took the advice I was given before and ignored my ex's emails she sent me as they were just probing emails saying nothing in particular. Then I got a text from her at the start of march saying that I know your ignoring me but what's the password to the old computer you got me. Now I did'nt want to appear to rude, so I just sent her the four letter word and nothing else.

I then received a text saying wow thanks J, I'd love to know what I did wrong... you and me used to text at the beginning of the year... etc etc. Then before I replied I got another saying you seem to think its OK to ignore me etc etc.


I felt suitably angry at this, so arranged to meet up later that week, primarilly to say my piece as I've never been one to hide behind emails/texts etc.

So we met up, got on well as we always did even though it had been 2 months since we last saw each other. I then stayed at hers, and she was saying things like ' why are we not together when we are so good together' and you're the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night' and repeated I love you's.

This girl was always full of contradictions, but the above was the tip of the ice berg. Why are we not together when we are so good together? Because you dumped me! I wanted to say that but I didn't.

Anyhow, we went our separate ways in the morning, I said its best if we don't contact each other at all, but then a couple of days later I thought, surely people don't say things like she did, if she didn't have some strong feelings, and maybe wanted to get back together?

SO I asked if she wanted to come over for dinner, and she replied that she did'nt think it was a good idea as if we keep meeting I'm going to get hurt, and she still is adamant that we would never get married, or even move in together.

I am now on day 29 of NC either way, and I am doing all sorts of things to keep me busy. I am determined to beat this, but I won't deny that some days are better than others. I still miss her in many ways, but then I say if she did really love me, she wouldn't have left.

Meeting with her just gave me more confusion. I hope that in time things will get better, I'm looking forward to when that may be.

JPM

Hi all,

i haven't posted in a while but thought id send out an update as i could do with a little pick me up.

Basically i took the advice i was given before and ignored my ex's emails she sent me as they were just probing emails saying nothing in particular. Then i got a text from her at the start of march saying that i know your ignoring me but whats the password to the old computer you got me. Now i did'nt want to appear to rude, so i just sent her the four letter word and nothing else.

I then received a text saying wow thanks J, i'd love to know what i did wrong.... you and me used to text at the beginning of the year... etc etc. Then before i replied i got another saying you seem to think its ok to ignore me etc etc.


I felt suitably angry at this, so arranged to meet up later that week, primarilly to say my piece as ive never been one to hide behind emails/texts etc.

So we met up, got on well as we always did even though it had been 2 months since we last saw each other. I then stayed at hers, and she was saying things like ' why are we not together when we are so good together' and your the first thing i think of in the morning and the last at night' and repeated i love you's.

This girl was always full of contradictions, but the above was the tip of the ice berg. Why are we not together when we are so good together?? because you dumped me! i wanted to say that but i didn't.

Anyhow, we went our separate ways in the morning, i said its best if we don't contact each other at all, but then a couple of days later i thought, surely people don't say things like she did, if she didn't have some strong feelings, and maybe wanted to get back together?

SO i asked if she wanted to come over for dinner, and she replied that she did'nt think it was a good idea as if we keep meeting i'm going to get hurt, and she still is adamant that we would never get married, or even move in together.

I am now on day 29 of NC either way, and i am doing all sorts of things to keep me busy. I am determined to beat this, but i won't deny that some days are better than others. I still miss her in many ways, but then i say if she did really love me, she wouldn't have left.

Meeting with her just gave me more confusion. I hope that in time things will get better, i'm looking forward to when that may be.

JPM

She sounds like a game player. The minute you are not interested, she comes running. As soon as you reciprocate, she backs off. Very immature. You certainly don't need that confusion in your life!

It sounds to me like you're back on day 1 of No Contact. The moment you text a single 4-letter word to her, look at all the grief and additional crap you bought yourself. Was it worth it?

People say all sorts of things when they're trying to get their way or trying to get you to give in on something. Remember that. So of COURSE she could she say stuff like that, of COURSE she could have feelings for you... and of COURSE you buy yourself misery if you respond to any of it.

No Contact means... ready for it... NO CONTACT. Technically, you were reading her text messages, so you were NOT exercising no contact. Every time you click READ MESSAGE, you start over... like an alcoholic just taking one little drink... the clock starts over.

So, realize, NO CONTACT means you don't ACCEPT any contact from her as well. Voice messages are deleted the MOMENT you hear her voice, or without listening if your machine can tell you the phone number first. You delete all texts and emails without reading, train your devices to delete them without even showing them to you if possible. No, it's not rude to hang up on someone you're not talking to. It's rude for you to let them in, even a little bit, and then wonder why the crap has started all over again. Rude to yourself.

I have a different outlook, sort of JB... I do agree he broke NC, that's not even a question. I have gotten texts from my ex, read them and didn't respond and I was fine. But yes, the moment he agreed to meet up with her he blew that count. Hate to say it buddy but you're bad at Day 1. You got a little hope and went running right back to your old ways of basically begging(asking to hang out)... Go back to NC and start this trend again

It does get easier, but you need to stick to NC

I'm on day 29 now of the second round of NC and it is going OK ish, so I've stuck to it this time. She just messed with me a bit by saying all those things. I wouldn't say them if I didn't mean it.

Just two different people in the end.

So it's been 29 days since what you posted happened?

im on day 29 now of the second round of NC and it is going ok ish, so ive stuck to it this time. She just messed with me a bit by saying all those things. I wouldn't say them if i didn't mean it.

Just two different people in the end.
Good job, then. We're all behind you. Restistance is NOT futile. You can do it...

Yeah basically. A couple of emails came and went, but bar that it is properly all done and dusted as I said I relly need to move on one way or another, and I heard nothing back.

I'm doing OK and its been 29 days since then, been keeping busy, just have the odd weak moments now and again.

It makes me angry but at the same time it comforts me to know that other people go through this crap as well...
I feel for you man.
We're all behind you :/

Yes nick, I imagine I'm not the first nor the last. I dream of the day when I'm totally healed...

One day I hope,

Worst thing I guess is hoping u will meet someone again who u feeel so strongly for. Fingers crossed all round,

Meeting with her just gave me more confusion.
Lesson learned. About meeting some one else. Stop even thinking about it, and focus on building your life that you enjoy, and stay busy with the things you love doing. In that way you will be happy with who you are, and will attract other happy people to you, and some one will want to share it with you.

I seem to struggle a bit with thoughts of my ex creeping into my head - just wanted to know what peoples suggestions for trying to put them out were?

Its basically like I get a 'pang' or a flashback where I feel sadness when I think that we are not together anymore.

I know she dumped me etc, so I really shouldn't give her any more thought or time in my head, guess I just find it hard to shift the memories and things we did together.

Breakups definitely are not fun!

I definitely feel you... what do I do..

Well, during the day, classes + work keep me at bay... most of the time. Granted, I get small flashes here and there, but I snap back within 2 - 3 seconds.

The nights were the roughest the first two months after breaking up... and I eventually ended up just going to the gym... working out until I almost gas out, then coming home, taking a shower, and passing out. On the weekends, I usually go out with my friends until 3 - 4 am... come home, and pass out again.

... It gets much easier and MUCH better after 2 months or so. I believe 90 days is the goal, then the rest is a joke.

Its only been 3 weeks of break-up for me and 5 days of NC so I know I'm in for worse, but most of the time I feel pretty good. About once a day I get down for about a 1/2 hour, thinking about the past 4 years etc. but then I remind myself (1) how lucky I am that I can live life without any regrets since I was dumped and wasn't the dumper, (2) I was an awesome girlfriend and I'll be an awesome girlfriend to someonelse one day who deserves it, (3) if all else fails I picture him sitting around sobbing hysterically over a picture of me. Oh, and wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping any time you start to feel bad about yourself really helps.

Check the stickies!

These are the things I did:

Best thing to do is to go out and have fun.

1) Go to the gym
2) Do sports
3) Try something new
4) Go clubbing with your mates
5) Instead of saying no to people say yes!
6) Plan lots of things to look forward to
7) KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED! - even if its watching a film about love.
8) Improve yourself - e.g. career, health etc

One thing which made me feel so great was running - I live near a 8 mile stretch of beach, so I would run along there listening to music and watching the sunet, plus the 'runner high' was great :)

The hardest times are when your in bed alone or doing things you used to do with your ex but it gets easier with time.

The guys are so right. Click on the links in my signature, for some great suggestions.

Dear all,

I ran into my ex on my way home from work this evening, and needed to vent out something.

I was turning into the road just round the corner from my house and she was walking towards me. She had a guy with her ( fortuantely he is no looker lol) and also fortunately I was on the phone talking to my dad when she got near she said 'hi', I said 'hello', then she said 'i've broken down' and pointed to the car up the street, I said OK, and then she said 'you look nice', (as I was wearing my dappa suit and looking and feeling good).

I said 'thank you' and then said 'i've got to go I'm on the phone', and carried on walking!

Think I handled that one pretty well all round, she didn't look her best either and I didn't find myself thinking the old thoughts of how stunning she was (when we were 2gether)

So I felt a bit of adrenalin and that sort of feeling inside you get ( I can't describe it but you know what I mean, like an extra heartbeat) but then I quickly focused and got out of the situation as quick as I could.

After the initial feeling, it gave way too that of well if that's your new man, than you threw something amazing away for that? Comedy! And I can do better (as everyone has been telling me)

And also I'm doing better, and I'm looking forward to being totally over her.

Just felt like I had to say something to let it out,

Thanks guys

That's great news man...
Keep it up :]

Couldn't have gone better, it seems. Good for you!

How long since you broken up with her? Or she broken up with you?

Great vent, and in a suit no less.

Yep,

I was looking john dapper!

I know that my feelings for her won't go away for a long time, but I'm 100% determined to get through this and be a better person all round.

It still hurts a lot when the thought of being dumped gets into my head, but I'm trying to focus on the positives, and fill my time with the things I enjoy doing, without her in my life.

Its her loss!

I had the same thoughts when I met with my ex... "she looked better when she was with me" seriously, not to sound shallow... but her boobs were smaller... lol.

Hi all,

Just could do with a few opinions and advice on the following.

basically my housemates were out on Saturday night, in a bar and they saw my ex. My ex spoke to one of my housemates and said

'hows JPM, etc, my housemate said he's doing OK thanks. My ex then said ' I really love him, you know I really love him, but he won't talk to me. She went on to say that if JPM ever wants to see me or have a hug then let me know'.

I was a bit annoyed at this, mainly because she knows that we aren't going to be friends, as its my way of dealing with things, so I decided to send an email, just saying hi, hope your well, and sorry we won't be friends but that's just how I'm dealing with things etc, and that I still thought about her etc etc. nothing soppy or OTT just really to the point. I guess I sent it as it made me feel better for saying it. That was day 101 of NC by the way, so whilst I won't lie and say I feel nothing, I feel much less than I did, and much better.

any how I got the following reply and would like a bit of feedback guys if poss...

Hi there Darling J

Wow whhhhhhooooo an e mail from you - brills!!

That's right saw (y) in (x) and told her to give you a massive cuddle! Think that we will be going there a lot as the people I was with totally had a brills time and loved it!! I was totally over dressed for (x) as per usual, drank a lot but quite soba for a pissed person, not climbing in to any petrol capes of cars! - We had a wonderful life/ times!

I can't believe that IOW was one year ago you had that party n we all when to (p) n I had to work the next day, n no one else did! Did you go this year on you annual hols? I was thinking of volenteering but surprise surprise I didn't get organised in time - oh well there's always V!

I do still think about you loads J. Sometimes thinking that I would love to have you round n make out loads now that the brother is away/ out more and I can sort of close my bedroom door. And as much as I say to all my work colleges that I want every thing e mailed I do think that things some times get mis interperated between us. I believe in the universe like we talked about at PP! And am always missing you, think about you in the eves n the morn and talking about you. I am always wanting to text you this but guess that this is not the right thing to do but don't know what is right.

I like to be friends with others as a feel that you never know when you might need to call upon a person i.e my car braking down, I was fuming all I wanted was some water n had to call on my neighbour. I am of the mind set that if you love someone you will let them fly.

It feels that when a guy is scared of committing that is OK. I got scared of exposing my emotions and trusting some one and therefore making myself vulnerably and would get hurt. I felt and feel that I can not trust any one and so therefore have been chilling on my own over the past few months.

Well I have been pondering for the last hour on what to say in this last paragraph... so here goes

As you know I am still thinking of u, adore u, love you lots and would always love to see you (it was me who beeped down the rd the other day) and hear from you even go some where with you where we could chat and no one knows us and what has gone on over the past months!
My problem is heart, head sydrome. Don't hate women or tire them with the same brush as I expect you do me. Below is something that I found on the internet that I think might help you to understand me. I have also had my hair cut so this is a facture to think about as I know that you like long hair.

I love you lots and think of you/us loads and will always endever to keep in touch. I was so lucky to have gone to (place where we met)that eve.

Miss u/ usand the good times
Your (x) xxxxxx

any thoughts guys?

its been over 3 months since the last contact, and it was christmas when we split up. Most of my friends here say that I can find better, and all will be OK in end in the etc, as they know how confusing and up and down she was. Hell my mother even said she doesn't want her as a daughter in law (lol), but as ever the only one who can make the decision is me as to what I do with my life.

what are your thoughts, id greatly appreciate it.

JPM

Think of it this way. Your way of dealing with things is NC because you do not want her back.
Her way of dealing with things is letting it be known 'hey, let him know I want him back if there is a chance'. You don't want her back so you did not have to respond to that. You did by letting her know you do not want her back. She replies about her positive memories of you. Now you can either not reply or you can reply with something like 'that is all nice BUT now you have your life and I have mine'.

Hi JPM,

In reading what your ex wrote, I really think it is her way of feeling you out, and what your thoughts are for her. I have wrote letters like this in my past, and the point of those was to (in a round about way) let him know that I do love him, miss him, and that I really want to work things out. (Funny, I still want that, perhaps I should write I letter ;-) ) But, I have to ask you JPM, how do you really feel about her? Do you want her back? And most important: what do you NEED for yourself? Can she either now or down the road, give you what you need? Sweetie, really look deep inside of yourself, write things down, and really see if you want her back. If the answer is yes, then you both need to take things slowly, and you must lay out what you need, and what she needs, and both come to a compromise. Also, you both need to really communicate (not that you don't), but that is essential in any relationship. Also, if she has issues, she needs to work on those, and you can point out to her that you are aware that she does 'this, or that' and that she should really address these things. (very supportive).

But, if you really know and feel that you don't want to pursue the relationship anymore, then I think it is best for you to end all communication with her at this time.

You deserve to be happy JPM, and we all would love for you to be. What ever you decide, we are right here for you!

Thanks for the above guys, and cheers Star

Thing is I don't really think she does want to get back together. She's said before that she misses me etc, but always thought we wouldn't get married, so continuing in a relationship was pointless, even though we were very good together.

I don't think she is feeling me out, just stating that still thinks of me etc. maybe she is.shes always wrote confusing things, and part of me knows that I should just walk away, maintain no contact and keep going to the future. But I can't deny a part of me would like to see her, and see what occurs.

I basically replied to her email saying that if she wanted to meet up sometime soon and see what occurs with us two hanging out then I would be fine with that. She knows I won't be her friend, its either all or nothing. Ill see what she replies with, but I would imagine that it would be that she still misses me, but doesn't want us to get back. Ill see. I guess I've put out an olive branch and ill see if she wants to take it. I know I cannot live in the past. Sometimes I think she is 26 going on 17 in what she says.

Any more insights would be great.

Hi JPM,

I will admit, we women can be confusing at times ;) . I think that was a good idea on how you handled it; you let her know that if she wants you guys can get together and take it from there. I understand what you are saying as well with you wanting 'all or nothing'. That makes total sense. Now, at this stage of the game, you go out and have fun with your friends, family, and you. The ball is now in her court, and we shall see what she does with it.

You are doing great, JPM! :D

Well, the NC is over. That clock ended with your email. As far as she's concerned the door is open, so you just need to decide if it is or not.

Think of this like a job interview. You interviewed her and decided she wasn't qualified to fill the job you were offering. Does that mean she doesn't still want the job? Or would like to reinterview? Or would take the job even on a trial basis if you offered? Of course she would!

But you, as the employer, have to make mature choices about whom you hire and whether they are capable of doing the work. How you FEEL about them is almost irrelevant, it's simply a question of qualifications.

Ok, enough of that metaphor. You get the idea.

The choice is yours now. Reinterview her if you wish, but you could be seriously wasting her time and yours and have to start over on the NC thing at some point. Decide if you even need the extra pressure of hanging out with someone you KNOW has ulterior motives on you.

As I remember I told you to get your own act together and enjoy yourself, while she works on her own issues, and it seems that's what you've done.

The good news, is there is nothing for you to do, but observe what she does as she dumped you, so the ball is in her court to clarify her position, and get YOU back, so you just relax and be very honest with yoursekf, first and foremost, and be honest with her.

All good advice here dear.

The only thing I can add is that if you do get back together.. can your mother and friends accept your decision without interfering? After all, it's your life, as you said, and you are the one who needs to feel happy and secure.

Any relationship has it's ups and downs and in my opinion - there should not be too many boring minutes in it. So, now that the door is open again - both of you need to 'enter at your own risk'.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.
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Hi Guys,

I just wanted a bit of advice, though I probably no what it will be! On my situation over the last few weeks.

Its been 2 weeks since I contacted my ex, and we have been in sporadic contact since then, with me being the one who will send the first text every few days. Last Thursday, my ex met me at the airport after I came back from a business flight. She new I was in the air that day, but didn't know what time I was coming back etc, so it was a nice surprise to have her meet me there. We then went for a drink in a local pub, and had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle and some fun light conversation.

I dropped her back at her apartment, with no real plans to see her again, just that it would be good to meet up again and spend some more time together, and she said she would be in touch.

I guess I have a bit of an issue with things just left hanging, as I kind of like to know when we would meet up again, without not knowing if she would contact me.

So when I was out on Saturday night I sent her a photo of the place we first met as I was in that bar. She replied with ' what a great place, and I have set aside a weekend for us to spend together'.

She didn't say when at all. I sent her a text back at 11.30pm saying great, and are you around this evening, as I am in x bar, and it would be great to meet up.

she then replied that she was in bristol for the weekend, and that she wasn't a booty call that I could just call when I was drunk and horny.

I then replied with, you know I'm not like that, and that you mean much more to me than that. I then said, I was around the next evening and then this Wednesday if she wanted to hang out.

I didn't get a reply.

I then sent her a text last night, saying how was bristol, and that I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again soon.

again no reply.

Now I know I'm my own worst enemy by contacting her, but its mainly because I don't like being left hanging, and waiting for 3 or 4 days to receive a text to say do you want to do something.

I know I should probably take a chill, and just let it pass me by, and if she contacts me she does. I just find it pretty rude that she doesn't even reply to those texts, as if it were the other way round I would have replied.

I am tempted to just walk away from it all, as she has the capacity to make me feel so happy, and then to make me feel so unhappy.

Tal, your signature is something I constantly remind myself of, about being an option in their life, but me making her a priority in mine.

Any advice guys, as I do really want to be with this girl, just don't want to play games, as they don't help me.

She should not be treated like an ex you're rekindling with. It didn't work out last time, right? Don't "pick up where you left off" because you'll end up where you ended up, OK?

You're right, you SHOULD just move on. Failing that, you need to at least be moving on while you occasionally reach out to her, as well. You go clubbing, right? Make sure you're open to new contacts while there, and don't talk about the "ex", OK?

If you are actually moving on with your life, an occasionaly call to her is fine and eliminates the booty call issue. You need to be on a date next time she contact YOU so as to remove from her mind the idea that she has prioirity spot in your mind. Her meeting at the airport was sweet, the cuddling and stuff after was her making sure you were firmly on the hook before she left.

In short, don't be that easily manipulated. Relax, don't defend against rude little insults like the "booty call" comment. At best, I'd reply to that with "that was uncalled for, try to be a little more mature, ok?" At least now SHE's on defense and not you.
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And between me and you, I know you didn't ask, but rethink the use of text for primary conversation. Call her and leave a voice message at least so she can HEAR your sweet and multi-talented voice. So much more info comes through in tone and demeaner, text messages are flat, flat, flat. Talk to her, or at least her voice mail.

Personally, I think ignoring voice mails or people is rude. Ignoring text somehow feels less rude. I don't think it's rude at all, but I know I'm in the minority. I promise if you tell someone ONCE you don't find texts as important as voice messages, you'll get more voice messages. I'm just saying.

Thought id update everyone on my situation with my ex.

Basically we have been hanging out together for a couple of weeks which has been really nice, and great, as we have always been very good together. Guess I've always had the fact that she wasn't sure about us when she ended things at christmas, and I had an inkling it may off gone that way again, but was kind off hoping that it wouldn't off course.

Anyhow, yesterday, we had a chat about things, and I could sense that she had something on her mind. So we talked a few things through, and she does still have an issue with letting somebody in, as she doesn't want to get hurt again, and also I guess the main thing is that she doesn't see us getting married, and has a niggle that we won't last.

I basically said, that I want someone who wants to be with me, and I certainly wouldn't force anyone to be with me. And if you have a niggle about us that doesn't seem to be going away, then I can see that you want to end things. It was obviously pretty hard for her to do this again, but there's no point in us being together if she is up and down all the time with not knowing what she wants, as I'm likely to get hurt again, many times.

I love this girl so much, but if someone doesn't want to be with you, there's not much you can do I guess. She loves spending time with me, and being with me, and everything else in a relationship, but she's got a couple of issues with us which don't seem to have gone.

I feel really sad about this again, but I wouldn't have put myself out there again if I didn't think we had a shot at something great.

So we've parted company again and for the last time, I'm unhappy, but no way as bad as I was at xmas, which was the worst time of my life. Guess I am just feeling the loss aspect again of something and someone special that I loved so much.

Fingers crossed for a bright future!

Any comments would be great

Cheers guys

JPM

Finally you can heal and get some better things going in your life.

I agree with Tal, you now have complete closure on this chapter. Time to start a new one, good luck!

Very true Tal and Rome, thanks.

Had to pick up some things from her yesterday, so we had a chat for a bit. I know that she does really have strong feelings for me, but there are just so many issues in her head, including almost refusing to let anyone in for fear of being hurt again. So I just basically said to her that if you do know what you want, and that is being with me, then contact me, and ill listen to what you have to say. We shall see what occurs in the future, but for now, I will go back to NC, and build my life without her in it and get on with having fun and meeting new people

. I have a new job starting in 2 months, so that should help channel my focus a fair bit.

Thanks for all your help since xmas on this subject. Your all stars!

JPM