Many of you already know my situation with my wife. We are trying to heal and make amends after she foud out I cheated on her and lied to her about prior to our marriage.

Things are obviously up and down. What I am having a tough time with is staving off my depression. I don't know how I can keep handling her saying "she doesn't love me" "she doesn't miss our happy times" "she just doesn't care about me" "she is better of alone" "she is better by herself" "I only married you because I was expected to" etc. I love her so much, I honestly don't think I will be able to handle divorce. I know some things, or I want to think that some things, she says are just anger and bitterness and not her true feelings. If you here things enough though you start to questions yourself.

I just need to hear any suggestions on how to keep it together... it has been months, but I feel myslf coming to the end of my rope. I do not want to give up, but I feel like when it happens it might not be a conscious choice. How do I calm back down. How do I make her find everything good we had and all the happiness we had?

OUR LIFE WAS SO PERFECT AND I KNOW NO ONE CAN NOT MISS WHAT WE HAD.


Help!

Thanks ahead of time.

FREE Biorhythm Readings (http://www.facade.com/biorhythm/)

This site is an interesting one. Put your birthday in and click the free chart button. Then when it brings up your chart click on the right side "your compatability with annonymous" and put their birth day in the spaces. You will be totally astounded at the answer you get.

This will also help explain to you why she is up some days and down others. I found it most accurate when I was trying to figure out myself and my moods and other people and their moods.

My late husband and I were a perfect match. My first husband was not. My mother and I got along famously. My son and I get along famously. A co-worker of mine who I never liked scored such low points with my compatibility I knew I would never get along with her.

Try it. It could possibly give you some true insight to your problem. I re-read your posts and I kind of forgot who you were. Now I remember.

Your memories may be lying to you. Your wife has indicated she never really loved you. If that is actually true and she's telling the truth now, your perceptions of a perfect past are, well, beside the point. It may not have been that way at all, especially if your "perfect" was her "misery", know what I mean?

What has passed before may or may not have been true, your feelings may or may not have been one-sided. So, the only thing you can actually rely on is what is happening in front of you, today.

You ask for suggestions on how to keep "it" together. What is "it" you mean? Your marriage or your nerves? Without some counseling your marriage may already be over. Counseling at this point may be the only sanity for your nerves, too.

Reading between the lines, I would suggest you do the opposite of anything you feel urged right now, don't trust your instincts, they haven't served you so far.

You need to be talking face to face with someone who can interact directly with you. These text interactions may be leaving out some clear signs we would all spot in person.

Get some help.

Facts. You can't change what has happened in the past. You can not change or control her, or what she chooses to say. But as far as being at the end of your rope, not being able to handle it anymore? You decide that. We all hit bottom when we stop digging. Life is about relationships. If the one you have with her is going South, try counselling.

Your memories may be lying to you. Your wife has indicated she never really loved you. If that is actually true and she's telling the truth now, your perceptions of a perfect past are, well, beside the point. It may not have been that way at all, especially if your "perfect" was her "misery", know what I mean?

What has passed before may or may not have been true, your feelings may or may not have been one-sided. So, the only thing you can actually rely on is what is happening in front of you, today.

You ask for suggestions on how to keep "it" together. What is "it" you mean? Your marraige or your nerves? Without some counseling your marraige may already be over. Counseling at this point may be the only sanity for your nerves, too.

Reading between the lines, I would suggest you do the opposite of anything you feel urged right now, don't trust your instincts, they haven't served you so far.

You need to be talking face to face with someone who can interact directly with you. These text interactions may be leaving out some clear signs we would all spot in person.

Get some help.


We have been going to therapy for the last few weeks. It has helped in our day to day interaction.

I am not viewing our past as a one sided perfection. Our marriage and our life together was picture perfect when she didn't know what I had done. What I did was by no means a compensation for something our relationship was lacking. I was in a relatioship when her and I got together and I strung it along after we were dating for fear that my wife was going to leave me again (she had done so without warning 4 years prior and ruined my life). My feelings for my wife and hers for me were true. And that is honesty not one-sided wishful thinking.

I am pretty sure that is why this has een so tough on her, because of how perfect everything was and all the trust she put in me. I feel like she is probably telling the truth about how she feels "at the moment", but many times after she says those things minutes or hours later she will be crying or apologizing and saying I don't deserve that. I feel like she is trying to build a wall between us, and I am trying to stop her, but I can't make the marriage work by myself.

I know I need her to want it too. Which I know will come with time. I know what we have been through. I know the odds we have overcome thus far, and I know that I am a good person and so is she. We will work out in the long run... I just don't know how long that will be.

THis is why I ask my question. I am asking how to keep my nerves together more or less. How to prevent the daily negativity from taking a toll on my will to ride out the storm. We both still have hope that everything will come around. I love her more than anything and she is the sweetest girl in the world. She is the mother to my children and the only woman I want "until death do us part".

I just need to know if anyone has been through some similar tought imes in a marriage and how they avoided their partners anger and resentment from taking a stranglehold on their outlook on the marriage. How do you stay positive, or better yet how do you help them see the positive?

Wewed asks: "better yet how do you help them see the positive?" An old saying, 'You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink." An old song: "Que sera, sera; whatever will be will be; the future's not ours to see; que sera, sera.' Don't be that possessive, domineering guy. Have you been following those posts by homesick? When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

Being a wife myself, I sometimes tell things to my husband when I am really angry... things like "I don't love you", "you make my life hell"... but we both know that those are things which are totally meaningless and out of anger, and we don't even remember those things after the row is over and we have cooled down. But these angry moments are for small household things, I can't even imagine how your wife must be going through finding out her hubby cheated on her!

If you think your wife really loved you at some point, then you should also not take her angry words to heart. Be as loving as possible and show your cares in small day to day things, at least that really touches my heart when my hubby does small things for me.

On the other hand, if you really love her, then you should probably think on terms of what will make her happy, what she wants to do with her life, and which ever path she chooses, be there for her, whether married to her or not.

Why would you cheat in the first place? Most people that do have some insecurities they need to deal with before they let someone in to their lives.

Hi Wewed,

First, I had no idea the other night when I commented how beautiful your wedding picture was, that you are going through this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We all make mistakes and not one of us is perfect.

First thing that jumped out at me... you can not "make" her feel anything. In time, when her deep hurt eases, she may feel all the things you want her to and perhaps when the two of you get through this, your bond may be even deeper.

If you are feeling nervous, well, you should, it's more then normal, don't try and force yourself to calm down, or keep it together, that will only make you feel worse.

You have to work on yourself. Words we all have heard so many times but you have to build up yourself esteem again. You love your wife and you are broken inside because you hurt her in a way you never meant to and in a way you never thought you would. That just takes a sledge hammer to your internal self.

With all that extra nerves you have... take long walks... jog... work out. Then when you are nice and tired, get a journal out and each day write you wife a note, a letter, or any thought that you want to share with her. After a good bit of time, you can wrap it up and give it to her. Or not give it to her at all... it will help for you just to unload some of that emotion.

Give her the space she needs to heal. Let her hurt, let her be angry, don't wish inside that it would just go away. She has to get it out.

If my husband made the same choice as you did, I have to tell you, my tongue would be a nice weapon and sadly, I think I would try and shell out any words that I think would hurt him back. So, more then likely that may be behind her words that are hurting you now.

This is a biggie wewed, but you know that. If she senses that you expect her to jump into forgivness mode, that may upset her even more as to her it could mean you are downplaying your actions and the hurt that you caused her.

Do NOTHING. What I mean by that is, when you are with her... listen... listen with your heart to every word she has to say. Don't be having words swirl in your mind that you want to say back thinking they will be the majic words to make her feel better. Don't jam more words down her ears, let her get her words out. Do not expect all of this to go away quickly and don't be standing by waiting for it to happen. Take each day as it comes, work on yourself and continue to love her. Truly love her, which means understanding as best you can, how all of this is making her feel.

Answer ALL of her questions and always be honest. From this point on, give her no reason at all to doubt you about anything. Be honest in all aspects of your relationship no matter how minor you think the situation is. You need to recapture her trust again.

I admire the fact of you knowing how wrong this all is and how deeply you want to make it right again. That's a very good sign as some would never admit they were wrong and just keeping on hurting the people they claim to love. So give yourself some credit.

Keep going to therapy with her and maybe even without her.

You made a horrible mistake and not one person breathing on this earth is perfect and has never made a mistake. So you just remember that today gives us the opportunity to correct yesterday and tomorrow gives us hope that those mistakes of yesterday NEVER appear again.

How do you stay strong? Oh that is so easy... that deep love you have for her (which is so apparent in your post) will keep you strong, focused and motivated to work towards
Having an even stronger bond with your wife then before this life lesson happened.

Just remember, she is devesated, allow her to be, and allow both of you all the time that is needed to heal.

I promise you, I will keep both of you in my thoughts and may the sun shine on you both
And bring you back even closer together.

My very best to you,
Allheart

I didn't realize you had cheated on her and her lack of feeling is coming from her knowledge of this. That is a substantive piece of info.

The most quick useful piece of advice I have for you now is start courting her again from scratch.

You have kicked the rug out of your relationship by cheating. You did that. Not her. Anything she says now is reasonable reaction to betrayal this deep.

You got to start over. From the beginning. She's the queen, the catch you desire. Put her on the pedestal and settle in for a LONG period of rebuilding.

"Keeping it together" is you focusing on you. You already did that when you cheated. Stop it. You've run out energy in that department. If you're focusing on building her up and honoring her and cherishing her, you shouldn't have a lot of left over energy for self-pity. Plus you gain nothing from it, either. So ignore those feelings.

This is the reality you created. You need to man-up and do the work, do the time to undo the damage. No shortcuts on this one, settle in and go for it.

My guess is she's totally worth it, else you wouldn't be so broken up at the thought of losing her.

And in the future, don't use the "down days" of marriage as a permission to throw it all away by behaving badly again.

Many of you already know my situation with my wife. We are trying to heal and make amends after she foud out I cheated on her and lied to her about prior to our marriage.

Things are obviously up and down. What I am having a tough time with is staving off my depression. I don't know how I can keep handling her saying "she doesn't love me" "she doesn't miss our happy times" "she just doesn't care about me" "she is better of alone" "she is better by herself" "I only married you because I was expected to" etc. I love her so much, I honestly don't think I will be able to handle divorce. I know some things, or I want to think that some things, she says are just anger and bitterness and not her true feelings. If you here things enough though you start to questions yourself.

I just need to hear any suggestions on how to keep it together...it has been months, but I feel myslf coming to the end of my rope. I do not want to give up, but I feel like when it happens it might not be a concious choice. How do I calm back down. How do I make her find everything good we had and all the happiness we had?

OUR LIFE WAS SO PERFECT AND I KNOW NO ONE CAN NOT MISS WHAT WE HAD.


Help!

Thanks ahead of time.
It is very hard to justify what u did but u just have to stay calm and let her explian her feelings. Just sit her down and just let the truth come out. Don't hold anything back so u can move forward with your life and be with the one you love

Many of you already know my situation with my wife. We are trying to heal and make amends after she foud out I cheated on her and lied to her about prior to our marriage.

Things are obviously up and down. What I am having a tough time with is staving off my depression. I don't know how I can keep handling her saying "she doesn't love me" "she doesn't miss our happy times" "she just doesn't care about me" "she is better of alone" "she is better by herself" "I only married you because I was expected to" etc. I love her so much, I honestly don't think I will be able to handle divorce. I know some things, or I want to think that some things, she says are just anger and bitterness and not her true feelings. If you here things enough though you start to questions yourself.

I just need to hear any suggestions on how to keep it together...it has been months, but I feel myslf coming to the end of my rope. I do not want to give up, but I feel like when it happens it might not be a concious choice. How do I calm back down. How do I make her find everything good we had and all the happiness we had?

OUR LIFE WAS SO PERFECT AND I KNOW NO ONE CAN NOT MISS WHAT WE HAD.


Help!

Thanks ahead of time.
I found out my husband cheated once before we married. When we were dating. I found out after the marriage. I was livid to say the least. I felt tricked. Now I have forgiven as I realise it wwasa mistake and he done so much to make it up to me. I'm a very confident woman, I think he knew I never would have married him had I known.
Anyway! How I got over it!
Firstly my husband assumed All responsibility. He fought for me. He didn't play the blame game
He stopped drinking and has continued to do so. I didn't ask him to. He just stopped himself. As he was drunk when he strayed this big acttion on his part was touching. Although he knows I don't mind him drinking!
Actions speak louder than words
He continued going out with friends but took time to text/call etc, showing he was thinking of me
He sent flowers to my work
He took me out a lot walking/talking
People can recover. I hope you do too.

If she wants you to give her space you must listen to her. Wait till she contacts you. In meantime concentrate on making yourself a better person. If you have a hobby, get more involved. Work. Don't wllow or stay in bed being negative. Help out at a local charity. Any thing positive. When she does contact you, she will see you have been living a good life. Whatever you do, do not go dating!! Don't be hanging out with female friends a lot getting comfort. It sounds bad, but she might find that a sign your on the luck out to stray. Just lead a good life, help people, and give her a few months to think. She deserves it. I wish you both well

Now I am in a position where she has moved away and doesn't want me to contact her for awhile... what do I do to prove to her in the mean time?


if she wants you to give her space you must listen to her. Wait till she contacts you. In meantime concentrate on making yourself a better person. If you have a hobby, get more involved. Work. Don't wllow or stay in bed being negative. Help out at a local charity. Any thing positive. When she does contact you, she will see you have been living a good life. Whatever you do, do not go dating!! Don't be hanging out with female friends a lot getting comfort. It sounds bad, but she might find that a sign your on the luck out to stray. Just lead a good life, help people, and give her a few months to think. She deserves it. I wish you both well


Had to spread the rep, darn it, but this is excellent advice, and should be followed to the letter.

I wouldn't even put giving her space into a package of 1 2 3 4 months etc. give her as much as she needs. If you lead a posititve good life in her absence, she may come back to you. If she doesn't you must learn fromthis marriage. Back off for a little while anyway. You will be OK.

How about this though... it may sound stupid, but give me some wiggle room because I am an emotional wreck right now.

Why am I constantly worried that by me being nice and by treating my wife perfect and doing everything in my power to make her and my kids comfortable and worry free is going to help justify her thinking of "She is better off alone and she isn't meant to be married"?

I am in a catch 22 right? I want to be the man I am and give them everything and be understanding and supportive, but then what is it that she is losing by leaving our marriage? She can get all the good and have to put in none of the effort a marriage takes?

I don't know... there is this tiny part of me who wants to say f you and make her see just how hard life is on her own. I pay for her car, ins. phone, etc. etc. She just has to find a way to pay her $400 rent and for food for her and the kids when they are there. THAT ISN'T REAL LIFE!

So, how do I let her experience ALONE LIFE without coming off like a mean face?

Right now you are in the wrong here so its you who needs to behave faultlessley. Your wife married you I am sure for love.
If you cut off rent etc now you will antaganise her. Of course you cannot pay in indefinitely, but my goodness do you really want her to come back to you for monetary reasons?
You are thinking quite dangerously at the moment here. Think for one moment OK. Take the house, the cars, the kids, your I'm sure beautiful wife. You took all that and you played roulette with it... let your wife have time. If you get smart with money now I have a funny feeling you won't have her again

We sweetheart you don't.

You be yourself. You contribute to the marriage who you really are. Each day... every day.

Don't think from your head... act from your heart.

I can understand you are very wounded to and only logical for you to react the way you are.

Turn your head off and just be the man you truly are. If you have given 100% to her and to your marriage without expecting anything in return (definition of true love/unconditional love), and down the road things have not got better or the marriage has not shown movement to improvement, then it's time to sit quietly and think of the future with or without her.

No stradegedizing - That's not really you and this is not a chess match.

I know it is so hard to think clearly when going through all of this - that's why we are all here for each other :)

Now go and be who you truly are - I think that's who she fell in love with isn't it?

So go and be the good guy that you truly are. Love your wife - that my friend IS being a man.

****giving hugs for moral support*****

Forget the tight roping between catering to her, and what you give up in a divorce. Take care of your family the best you can, and let the chips fall where they may. Family is your focus, as what she may, or may not do is irrelevant, to what you must do.

All right everyone :-) You really made my night. I have been in turmoil over this for a few days now. I felt the way you guys do... I just need some objective reinforcement ;-)

Oh, Katrina, I think you misunderstood a little bit. It isn't that I want to take anything I am giving away... maybe I wasn't real clear on that. Sorry. I want to give her and my kids everything, the same as if they were with me all the time. I am just worried about whether my generousity will affect her decision making about whether she wants to work on our marriage in a negative way instead of positive like it should? Make sense kind of?

Well, she was suppose to have the kids 'til Monday and I had a nice game of pick-up hockey scheduled for tonight, but she called me on my way home and asked if I could take the kids so she could pick-up a bartending shift. I will be honest, I couldn't decide what to do, because she says one of things about me that bugs her is that I don't "hang out" with friends enough. Well, this seams to happen every time I schedule something so I figure why bother? Anyway, I put off my buddies and offered to drive the 90 minutes one way to pick-up the kids so she could spend more time playing with them instead of in the car if we were to meet halfway. Grabbed my wife a sugar free redbull (her favorite stay awake) for before work, and her favorite ben and jerry's for after work and picked up the rugrats. I just tucked them in.

I love my family so much, and it has just been so hard for me to try and "protect myself" like my parents are telling me to (my family is wealthy hers is the opposite) because it isn't what is in my heart. I think I just needed to hear it from some others. I really appreciate you guys giving me such great support. I can honestly say if I didn't have this board things would be way different right now and probably for the worse.

I am keeping my marriage vows, they are very important to me, second only to my commitment to my children. For better or worse.

Thanks a million everyone!

Wewed,
Granted you made a mistake, but if she chooses to stay with you, she has to stop saying all these mean things to you. I know that everyone is giving you advice on how to make her happy. From your posts, it seems like you are trying every thing in your power to make her happy, and yet she still says these hurtful things to you. I understand, being a woman, that she will have some bitterness towards you and won't be able to forgive completely for a while. But it almost seems as though she's trying to continuously hurt you and make you feel guilty for what you did in spite of the fact that you are trying everything to make it up to her. All I am saying is that it is normal to have resentment, but to continuously throw it in your face is so wrong. Maybe you should take a step back and look at what she is doing to you. You are not 100% the bad guy here but she is making you feel that way.

WEWED.. whatever will be, will be. Whether it's the outcome you want it to be or not, everything happens for a reason. If you and your wife have started to drift apart and things aren't the same anymore, then as hard as it is, sooner or later you have to come to terms with that. For both your sakes. You cannot play on broken strings. When trust is broken, sometimes its just impossible to completely build it back. Each situation is unique and differs from the next but once somebody has been cheated on, they usually spend the rest of the relationship paranoid that if their lover has done it once, they could do it again!. I've been cheated on, I know how it feels. I'm still with my partner now, and I chose to forgive him because he's my world, but as hard as I try to let it go, it still lingers in my head. I may not bring it up all the time in conversation, but it affects the way I think and I find myself second guessing him a lot even over the smallest things. A lot of the time I'm happy with him, and a year on from finding out, we have had so many good times together, we are incredibly close, but I can't trust him like I want to. I know he's done nothing like that to me since, he makes me so happy and looks after me in every way he can, but I still distance myself from him through bitterness. He is sorry for what he did, he cried to me many times and I know him well enough to know when he's being genuine so I know its time to look forward.. . your wife either loves you or she don't. She cannot play hot and cold with you. If she tells you she loves you then take that as her answer and work on it. If she's angry and she says something to you, try not to take it to heart as it may not be her true feelings. To cope with stress, don't make it harder on yourself by thinking into things so much. Your only going to stress yourself out more. You need to take each day as it comes. Anxiety plays with your mind and can make you think ludacris things, so you need to try and work out when your being logical and when your just worrying for no good reason.. . if you don't want to give up on your wife then don't. The best thing you can do is give her as much space as you can. (not go on at her, not be too in her face etc)... its natural human instinct to want what we don't have. IF your wife does love you then she will come to you, when she's ready. Even though you were in the wrong, let her miss you. If she doesn't, then you will know that actually, her feelings have faded and its time you started to think about letting go. You cannot control how she feels by constantly bringing up the good times in the past. She remembers them as much as you do, of course she does. You have to let her figure out for herself what she wants and you need to respect that, either way. As unfair and painful as it may be, that's life. I don't want to sound harsh but when you make mistakes you suffer the consquences. At least your wife knows you love her and you are sorry. That's all that really matters now. Tell how exactly how you feel and then leave the ball in her court. In the meanwhile, get your confidence back and try not to be too down as you never know what the future holds. I hope this helped. Sam x

The best thing you can do right now, is carry on with the counselling. You are already seeing results, but you have a long hard road ahead to resolve all these issues- both of you.

That she is willing to go, and you are sincere as well, gives hope to success.

Bring up in counselling the fact that she hounds you, and the negative, hurtful, repetative nature of her comments have you feeling withdrawn and depressed.

See if she cannot agree to address these hateful comments with the therapist, and learn how to control them, and understand why she says them.

I have been married a very long time (33 years), and can tell you, the road is twice as long when one party sabotages any success.

The truth is very hard to accept when infidelity happens, but if I read you right, it seems to me that both sides have made some mistakes.

What you both learn now in counselling, is that nothing is insurmountable if the goal is success-together.