My boyfriend seems like he can only come when he's thinking about threesomes, orgies, girl-on-girl (me with another girl), him sucking a penis while I'm sucking his, etc. It always involves other people! Although we haven't had a threesome, or an orgy for that matter, his whole peak of orgasm is created around that fantasy, and not the fantasy of just the two of us together, or just the moment that we're in.

He's getting more and more obsessed with us finding some guy for him to suck or some girl for me to have oral sex with in front of him. He also likes the idea of being on display and having people watch us have sex.

I have my limits and I want to just enjoy the sex we are having together at the time we're doing it, but he's off in fantasy-land in order to get off. He talks about it during sex, saying things like, "Oh, it would be so hot to have a cock in my mouth right now," or "I was envisioning you licking on a girls and putting your fingers inside of her," etc.

I have absolutely no inklings towards women, at all. Unfortunately, the first time he experienced orgasm was to one of his dad's porn magazines and a centerfold of two girls going at it. I think it's had a long-term effect.

His ex and he used to go pick up girls at the bar, maybe once a week or so. I guess it was stimulating to their sex life, which might have become boring (they were together 15 years). They would have threesomes all the time and had been involved in a few orgies together. One time he sucked his friend's cock and watched his friend have sex with his girlfriend, which he thought was really hot. It's been his only bisexual experience and he's so hot over it still that he wants to invite this same friend over to suck his cock again while I suck his cock.

His true fantasy still remains me being with a woman in front of him, which I'll never do.

Now, this relationship is only 7 months old. I feel that we could explore more on our own before embarking on involving other people - something I never really wanted but might be curious to try, but have serious complications in my brain about. But he's got this crazy lesbian porn collection, amongst other hard core double penetration type stuff, and he's masturbating twice/day, and all over the porn on the internet and I think he's desensitizing himself to need this. If he had it his way my genitals would be clean shaven, I'd have tatoos, and fake boobs.

I've had several threesomes, mainly with guys, once with a girlfriend of mine who did go down on me, but who I never went down on. I have never been into it, like I said.

I feel like I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body, wanting to be in this woman's body, but wanting to be with a guy who isn't a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Is there any way we can make this work? I really am crazy about him, and we have great sex, but I feel like it's just not enough for him, that I'm not enough in and of myself, that he's got to involve all these people to make it something really erotic - erotic enough for him to easily, maybe, since he has a hard time getting off (unless he's masturbating really hard).

I think maybe he's become totally desensitized to romance or passion between two people. I'm not sure sex is, to him, an expression of love, otherwise why would there be other people hanging out? Although he always wants me involved in the scenarios he creates, and he loves me, acts like he loves me, holds me, pays attention to me, talks to me, treats me like his best friends, so...

The few threesomes I had were when I was single. There was just one I had with a boyfriend, and his friend. It worries me to do something like this again because last time I really became attracted to my boyfriend's friend and lost a lot of attraction for my boyfriend.

I'm looking for the kama sutra approach, he's looking to screw the world, or so it seems. Then I wonder, what will he want next? What if he does a bunch of orgies and then they become blah and mundane, what will he have to do to get off then?

Is there any way to bring his sex into the light of love that exists between the two of us? Is there any way to bring him into the moment, during sex, of connecting with me and loving me, and having that be enough? -the way he loves me when we're not having sex? Or do men not make those kinds of connections in their brains?

It's kind of complicated, I suppose. Any help would be appreciated. Hopefully he's not turning gay on me. Does he maybe need to stop the insanity with all the porn and stop masturbating for awhile to get back to reality??

Oh dear, yes he's hooked on overtly sexual imagery. You are uncomfortable with this-I doubt that this will improve without him going cold turkey-NO PORN, NO WEIRD FANTASIES etc. I am pretty sure this will not happen-sorry.

Either you learn to accept this addiction or partake in the sexual rather than the sensual, or get him to concentrate on the sensuality of the sexual/emotional connetion between you two, or move on. He ha done this for 15 years-sorry it's not about to change.

So when I go down on my partner, teasing her, tasting her, and doing all the things I know she loves, and I look up at her and she is feeling herself up, am I worried that she's thinking about another man or woman? no.

I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that she is committed to this relationship. If thinking about "antonio" or "nicole" helps her mentally get off... well, my experience is when mama's happy, daddy's happy.

Have I thought about other lovers and other people during sex? Damn right I have. But I can also still get lost in my lover. Do I occasionally have "dark" fantasies that involve bondage and some s&m? Yep. Exploring the mind sexually is nothing to be ashamed of. I get turned on by visual imagery. Nothing like a lovers sensual picture to make me mad. I love the female form, and a lover's pic, when done right, is just powerful. Makes the earth shake.

That said... there is a point where incompatibility comes into play. I had a previous lover who was pretty wild. Then I suggested a few times to my next lover some things we did that id be interested in and the new lover was clearly uninterested. It took some time, but I let it go.

I didn't really "supress" it... I still have those fantasies, but I've honestly accepted that they are not within the context of this healthy relationship. It is really no big deal anymore.

He isn't wrong for his fantasies, but I really do think it is crossing a major line with you. You know that this is true. I'm not one to judge what you allow to happen in your bedroom, but in this case, you are unconfortable and worried.

I think it might be for a good reason.

I've loved women I could not be with. I've had bad sexual relationships while having good sex. Seems like a contradiction, but its not.

I think you need to speak your mind and have an honest conversation, and then be done after that... or be done now if you just need the moral support.

It is no fun being in a relationship where you feel you are being sexually denied. It is also no fun to be in a relationship were you feel you are denying the other partner. I've been in both places.

Time to really think about this and talk to him.

Pressure about sex is going to distract you... and lets face it... a guy just doesn't say he wants a c0ck in his mouth unless he probably does. Really.

So... time for you to weigh it all out. Is the relationship and the sex good enough to make you want to stand up to this pressure... because if you stay, you are agreeing to it.

There is a point in most relationships where you face a "decision point"... where things are not quite right and you need to decide to stay or go...

In this case, if you stay, you choose to be in this kind of relationship. You don't get to complain.

So... talk it out. See where things fall. And then make a choice and don't second guess.

Either deal with Mr Freaky -Deaky, or let him go. I doubt he ever changes.

Thanks to everyone who responded so quickly. I feel like he's not completely the only freaky one who wants to try out some interesting things, even if it involves other people. I just am not really ready for it after only 7 months, I almost feel like he's hookering me out (although that's hot for him, I guess), and then some of the scenarios don't really match up - like IF I ever let anything happen in front of him with another girl, she'd have to be more into me - more of a dyke - I wouldn't want to see him penetrate her or suck her tits or do anything to her - and about as much as I'd let her do is go down on me. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go down on her.

I'm totally turned on by him sucking a cock, or him watching me suck a cock. But I don't really feel it necessary for that cock to be put in me, as that's what my boyfriend's cock is for.

He seems OK with these ideas, but he keeps bringing them up when we're in bed together and he's trying to get off. Should he seriously just lay off the porn for awhile and see if that helps?

Like I said, I've got a certain amount of freakiness I'm willing to experiment in. I just don't really think I want to watch him have vaginal or anal or oral sex with another girl. It makes me rage with jealousy to even think about it. Whereas, the thought of turning him on by letting him watch me with a girl is fine, to the degree I stated above. And I'm totally turned on by the thought of him sucking cock.

Maybe I'm the mess? Why can't I just go to the extreme that he is and see it all so technically? I do like some of the ideas, I've enjoyed the threesomes I've had... I think maybe I'm just looking for more than the casualness of it all after being single for a long time, I'm still caught up in the romance and enjoying that..

Who knows.

Well... so you are OK with him getting another guy off, but not him getting off in another woman, and you are OK getting off with another woman?

Seems like you want yours, but he can't get his?

Granted, I'm not even close to how he thinks or you think... but you are saying that him with another woman is a problem, but his pleasuring another man is not.

I'm female and I will admit to having threesome/gangbang fantasies. I even think about it sometimes during sex with my partner, but that is what they are FANTASIES. I truly feel that you cannot truly love your partner and participate in those behaviors. How can you watch someone you have feelings for perform sexual acts on someone else and be OK with that... I just can't!

If he still feels the need to experiment sexuall and you want to continue this relationship, you need to feel comfortable with it too. If you aren't, then you need to get out of the relationship. I get the idea that you want something more from this guy that he isn't ready to give.

I agree with Kp2171 when he said "... because if you stay, you are agreeing to it." Once you cross the line once, you are allowing him to continue the behavior forever. I think you can find someone who values you more then this guy. Move on and let him go suck all the cocks he wants.

"Move on and let him go suck all the cocks he wants."

Fantastic line!!

Haha thanks kp... knew you would enjoy that ;)

I agree with Rockerchick. I don't think you can truly have feeling and be in love with someone while allowing and watching and enjoying them being "with" someone else in ANY capacity. Although there is nothing wrong with sexual exploration, I think it should be done between the two of you. If he has all these fantasies and constantly talks about these things as if to "nudge" you into them, then it might be time to either give in or give up. He may never be satisfied with you and the sexual relationship you two have. My opinion, he likes what he likes, he's not going to change that, and he's not going to be satisfied unless you surrender to them. He may stay, although he will never truly be satisfied. You like what you like. Clearly you are uncomfortable with these thoughts and feelings that he has so you cannot truly be satisfied. I would say move on. You are who you are and no one needs to change that for ANY reason.

Thanks Rockerchick, I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't deal with watching my man share his sex with another woman. I suppose it should be the same when it comes to men, but I still find it erotic the thought of watching him suck the cock. But then he was talking about 69 w/a dude and I thought, "Where do I fit into this picture?" Maybe he thinks I'd stand around and masturbate like he would if I was in a 69 w/a girl. I'm not sure I'd be all that turned on not being involved; just watching.

I also sometimes just feel like a tool when his real fantasies come to light and when he talks about paying for the guy's ticket (the one whose cock he sucked that one time) to fly here for a visit, or paying a male hooker. I've never even met the friend whose cock he wants to suck again. I told him not to expect me to have sex with his friend, even though he tries to arouse me by telling me his friend has a huge cock that he'll send me a picture of. How can he be so OK with wanting to see me get ed by a huge cock? In reality, isn't that sort of like putting the pain on? I feel like just doing it to get him off the idea - he's rather OCD, anyway, and I think he's probably a sex addict (at least a porn addict and a masturbation addict).

Sometimes I wonder what he needs me for. I know he's not gay, because he is more into the idea of two women and himself, of course. So what's the point of having me around? To attract other women for the threesome, or men? To be accepted into the orgy?

He is 6 years older than me - 38, I'm 32. Not to be conceited, but I'm a really hot chick who can get a lot of guys if I want. I'm just not into being a slut (kinda been there, done that thing... )

And I really like this guy and we're having great sex and wonderful adventures, but this problem, I'm realizing, is becoming increasingly more taxing on me. And you're right, my needs aren't, essentially, getting met. All I can think about is fearing this inevitable outcome of the orgy or threesome where our energy as a couple, our love, is lessened and made blah.

And because that's what's going on during sex, and it's not about me and him or just the two of us, because he's got his mouth hanging open to take a cock or is getting all worked up by my talking about some chick licking me, I'm not really even having that great of a time. I feel like I'm doing it all just to help him get off because he's the one who has a hard time .

In the meantime, I'd just like to go out to the beach and roll around in the sand with my lover in the wee hours. Or maybe go to some wild sex club in Paris one time or something like that. But you're right, my need for 99% monogamy and 1% frivolousness is no match to his seeming desire.

I know it's hard when you get emotionally attached to someone, but I think you deserve better. At 38 years old, he should have sewed his wild oats already. It's OK for you to find some of what he said arousing, but how long can you really continue that kind of relationship and still feel OK with it? Besides, with him participating I all this risky behavior, you are putting yourself at risk for STDs not to mention heartache.

While I have my own perosnal opinons of some sexual behavior I will let my name be the judge for that. But in the end you should never do anything you don't feel good or right about. It sounds like this person is too far into group sex that you are not into, And his desires will only drag you down a road I doubt you really really want to go.
It sounds like you really need to move on to another relastionship.

Hot post, but basically after 7 months its too much to fast, and they usually crash and burn after that, and all the freakin' in the world can keep it together. Having him slow down with porn, yeah, right. Good luck with that fantasy also. I have no doubt, he will apply more and more pressure, until you do what he wants, so watch it, your silence is all the consent he needs.

I agree with rocker chick and kp
And take this from someone who knows only too well
A guy who wants to suck another guys cock is trouble!!
Run quickly run fast there is only a world with a very darkside for you.

Part of me keeps thinking that this may be more then just a little sexual curiousity. Maybe his overt and oversexed ideals are a cover-up for his homosexuality. It's almost like he saying "i'm not gay because i want to include you (a female) in my homosexual fantasies." I just don't know of many heterosexual men that would say (and actually do) some of the things he talks about. I'm not judging and I could def be wrong, but it something just doesn't add up...

Part of me keeps thinking that this may be more then just a little sexual curiousity. Maybe his overt and oversexed ideals are a cover-up for his homosexuality. It's almost like he saying "i'm not gay because i want to include you (a female) in my homosexual fantasies." I just don't know of many heterosexual men that would say (and actually do) some of the things he talks about. I'm not judging and I could def be wrong, but it something just doesnt add up...

MMM not so sure about that, bisexuality maybe but homo-very much doubt he would consider girls involved... :rolleyes:

The question shouldn't be how WE feel about orgies, it should be how YOU feel about them... and you're obviously not comfortable with them.

Everyone has a right to fantasies--but if you're not comfortable with is, and tell him so--he needs to back off.

If he doesn't, then obviously he cares about his fantasies more than he cares about you.

I'm wondering, did you know about his sexual expriences/wants, before you got into a relationship, and if you did, did you think you could change him to be a one woman man, because this would never happen, or did you think, I wouldn't mind having some of that, whether you knew or not, personally I think deep down you wanted a piece of the action. I don't think any person wanting a real loving relationship with someone, would want to share it with someone else.

Seven months is way too early to be getting that kinky. Now as long as its something both of you can play with that's one thing... you can talk about doing something without actually doing it. My wife and I do it all the time (talk about it in the moment) but we've never done it as a couple and might never.


Now is this just a perception he has to be thinking about group sex to get off or is it literally just that (if he truly needs that to get off then he has a problem)

Obviously you only do what you are comfortable with... and if what you both want and are comfortable with makes you both happy then fine... if it doesn't count your blessings you aren't married and can move on without all the drama and baggage.

You need to take time out from the relationship and examine what it is that YOU want from it. If both of you aren't happy then the relationship won't be healthy or happy.

Just a couple of observations.

I think when you got into this relationship, you wanted the type of sex he offered... wild! just plain f****** everything in sight. There are different kinds of sexual unions, as we all know. From how you describe your boyfriend's sex history, I see no way for him to do an about face, even if he could, which I doubt, and find a way to attach tender feelings back onto his sexual impulse.

You, on the other hand, are desiring a different kind of sex, more personal, with tender loving feelings leading the way. I don't see you satisfying this desire with this friend, but there are a lot of different kinds of men in the world. Can you go out into the world thinking that you want to find a man more connected to his natural, real emotions and then seduce him without having a hard heart? Let your emotions flow... be real. :)

So, basically, you can't change a man. When will us women learn?? :):):)


Best wishes for new experiences in 2008,

danatika...
I really appreciate your openness about this topic. My girlfriend and I are going through a lot of what you have discussed. I am curious what has happened since your last post.

HAY COOL!! Someone brought up a thread with Choux in it ! I love it!

danatika...
i really appreciate your openness about this topic. My girlfriend and I are going through alot of what you have discussed. I am curious what has happened since your last post.

Considering the age of the last post before yours, I wouldn't wait for an answer from the op.

If you want advice on your own concerns, please, start a new thread asking your own question. It will get you a lot more responses that are targeted to your needs instead of another person/couple.