Hi,

I'm having some trouble. This is my first pregnancy and my boyfriend and I just broke up. He hasn't had a job since I've known or have been dating him. He is an alcoholic, lives off unemployment, doesn't look for a job or anything. Plus, he already has a daughter that he can't even support right now. We got into a really bad argument on the phone last night and he said he wanted me to have an abortion even though I'm not going to. He said he didn't even want the baby, but if I kept it, he would want to be a part of his/her life. I want to try to get full custody of my child when that day comes, but I wonder if they would allow it. I've seen how he doesn't even watch over his own daughter, and well, and I hate to see what he would do with our child. I'm a very responsible person, who as my stuff together, has a fantastic job, new car, new house, good financial stability. I'm just wondering if the courts would rule in favor for me if I needed to go court? Or is there another plan that I should take in this situation? Please help... :(

You have your stuff together but allowed yourself to get pregnant with an alcoholic, neer-do-well. Sorry but that doesn't make sense.

However, from what you have said about him, he probably won't want anything to do with the child. You will, by default have full physical custody, unless he challenges it. I don't see him doing that.

You don't need to go to court to have your child, you have custody to begin with unless he challenges it (which by the sound of his lack of responsibility and alcoholism I don't think you will have a problem).
And I must say, I agree with ScottGem here, why would you a "very responsible person, who as my stuff together" allow yourself to get pregnant by an "alcoholic, lives off unemployment, doesn't look for a job or anything" kind of guy? I'm sorry but that doesn't sound so responsible to me.
Don't worry about having custody of you child, I doubt you will have a problem with that.

First you don't list him on the birth certificate, then he will have to take you to court to get any visits. But basically there is no way to stop a father from having visits if they fight for those rights ( don't sound like he will)
So just don't list him as the father, don't go after child support from him, and most likely he will just leave you alone.

Now of course I have to agree, if you did not want this type of person to be around your child, you should not be sleeping with this type of man,

Well if he wants to be a part of his baby's life he's going to be. Nothing you can do is going to stop that. You can try to get full custody and he may or may not counter with a motion of his own. But you simply cannot prevent him from exercising his paternal rights. You tout yourself as "a very responsible person, who [h]as my stuff together, has a fantastic job, new car, new house, good financial stability" but yet you hooked up with someone who you describe as "an alcoholic, lives off unemployment, doesn't look for a job or anything" and already has a daughter who you claim he can't even support, and then you got knocked up by him? Hmm... I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so judgmental but if you've got everything going for you that you claim to have, why the hack did you make such a choice?

You have your stuff together but allowed yourself to get pregnant with an alcoholic, neer-do-well. Sorry but that doesn't make sense.Yep Scott, this one struck a chord with me, too.

Some women have that mommy or savior attitude if that is you stay out now that your out.
Do some self evaluation and find why a woman that has it together ended up pregnant by a man who obviously does not take care of his responsibilities.
You need to go to the courts and file for custody once your child is born. Make sure you have the social security card and the baby's birth certificate. That way there is no mistaking who has custody of your child.

As stated, unless challenged, you will already have full custody of the child when it's born. But custody alone doesn't prevent the father from being involved if he wants to be.

I wouldn't worry about it. You have custody automatically, and if he kicks up a fuss, then he can pay child support, and if he gets to uppity, you can present prior bad acts, his responsibility to his other child, as to his character.

You poor thing, like many women in the past and like many women in the future, you unfortunately you fell in love with a bad egg and now your facing the prospect of a lengthy court battle!

I have been in a similar situation and let me tell you its not pretty!

A way to avoid all of this is to move away from this looser! Start again with you and your baby and tell the father you did have an abortion. It sounds very drastic but to avoid a long drawn out process I think this is the best option. It sounds like the father of your baby will be nothing but a hindrance to you and your little one.

Best of luck

Starting with a lie is not an answer

Sometimes you are left with no other option. I was in a violent, relationship and a lie is what saved my life and my daughters.

So honesty is not ALWAYS the best policy

I have to agree with leedee, rather than folks posting negative answers about you, they should have just answered your question, people do crazy things for love... even though you put it out there, that is none of their concern...

Comments on this post
laceygirl003 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/laceygirl003.html) disagrees: I dont think you should say this woman is lying, you dont even know her, after all people can't help who they fall in love with...this kind of thing happens everyday....

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

Following is the quote I was referring to. I wasn't saying the OP was lying but that an answer was advocating lying.


Start again with you and your baby and tell the father you did have an abortion.

Try reading the thread before you make inappropriate comments.

She chose this fellow for whatever reasons, and now they have a child. The rest is up to the courts to decide, no matter how together she paints herself, or how big of a loser she paints him. She has many options here, without resorting to lying. It's a little late to cry foul, after you have made a bad choice.

Be my guest

be my guest

Huh? What is that supposed to mean? What you should have done is apologize for your inappropriate negative comment on my post.

I just don't think it is right for you to call anyone you don't know a lier, you don't know her, her lifestyle only the fact that she got pregnant with a person who is not into raising is own children. If you had a question that needed answering, you wouldn't want anyone saying, well starting with a lie doesn't help...

Apologize... lol!! All I'm saying is that you shouldn't judge someone you don't know, it isn't right.

My answer was in no way inappropriate, however your comment was.

I just dont think it is right for you to call anyone you dont know a lier, you dont know her, her lifestyle only the fact that she got pregnant with a person who is not into raising is own children. If you had a question that needed answering, you wouldn't want anyone saying, well starting with a lie dosn't help.....

Did you bother to read what I posted? Please don't make comments that show you don't read!

Another poster, not the OP advised the OP to tell the father she got an abortion. That was advocating lying. That was what I objected to. If you would take the time to pay attention to what's been said you wouldn't have come off looking foolish.

Lacey, I thought Scott explained who the comment was directed at, and why, so I can't understand why your ignoring his explanation at all. We on this forum cannot condone that kind of advice, that is illegal, untrue, or dangerous, so what's the problem??

Talanium, I was saying kudos to you!! Iam stating that he can't judge whether this woman is lying when he does not know her... however his answer is his opinion, I was simply stating mine as well!!

Talanium, I was saying kudos to you!!!!! Iam stating that he can't judge whether or not this woman is lying when he does not know her....however his answer is his opinion, I was simply stating mine as well!!!!

Do you have a problem with reading comprehension? How many times do I have to tell you that I was not saying anyone was lying?

Can't you understand that if someone answers a question advising the asker to tell someone they got an abortion when they didn't, that they are advising the asker to lie? Why is that so hard for you to understand?? There is no opinion involved here. Ledee straight out told the OP to tell the father she had an abortion. That is a matter of fact.

That is what I objected to. Talanium had no problem understanding what I was saying, but that's because Tal READS what was actually said rather then making assumptions and ignoring what people are saying. I don't understand why you keep trying to defend a position where you are clearly wrong. I can understand your misunderstanding my initial post, since I didn't quote the answer I was responding to. Since it was the next post I didn't think I had to. But after I explained it the first time, you should have backed off. Yet you continue to accuse me of calling someone a liar when I clearly did not.

Well, I am going to be a little more Utopian and hopefull about this thing.

First of all, everyone is right about custody. However, I would suggest you doing the right thing and establishing him as a parent. This will give YOUR CHILD rights to child support. Child support is for the child not you and you shouldn't take that away from them out of greed for your own happiness. Put it all away for college or anything else that might arise down the road.

Once you do this, he will have a right to challenge custody, or more than likely visitation. If he would like to be part of his child's life, I would let him. At the same time you need to protect your child. If he decides he wants to have visitation ask that do to his behavior and problems in the past you would like it to be SUPERVISED VISITATION. This will allow him to bond with the child under the supervision of a qualified individual.

Even if a father isn't the greates person in the world right now, doesn't mean that that bond between parent and child doesn't have meaning. Besides, who is to say the man will not hit a wall a year from now and change his life around? You need to give him and more importantly YOUR CHILD the opportunity to meet each other.

Maybe the man will never change, but if he does and it is years down the road, it will be one million times harder to establish that bond with his child he missed out on because you judged him.

Do what is right for your baby, not you. Give the man the opportunity to man up and change his life. If he doesn't, what are you out? Nothing! You can rest easy at night knowing that you did the right thing and tried to let him have a relationship with his child, it didn't work, but you tried. Then you have nothing to explain to your child when he or she is 16 and asks about daddy. You can tell the truth without any judgement being passed because you were the bigger person and you tried.

I hope you try to make your child's life as good as it can be, and the more people in a child's life that love him/her the better. Whether they are mentally retarded, alcoholics, convicted felons, degenerate gamblers, etc. You don't have to be perfect to be a parent. No parent is, that is why we can be parents and let our children learn from our life experience.

Judgemental they are, but helpful too. LEE DEE had some interesting advise. She sounds as if she's been there.

Judgemental they are, but helpful too. LEE DEE had some interesting advise. She sounds as if she's been there.

I won't disagree, but advising the OP to lie about getting an abortion was NOT sound advise In my opinion

As an aside, I suspect lacey may be a troll. This is the only thread she posted in.

What is a "troll" Scott? Just wondering if it is a slang term used here for something, or just your choice of words?

Troll (Internet) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_troll)

WOW didn't realise this would cause such a stir - all I did was give my advice - agree with me or not.

All I did was advise what I would do in that situation beacsue I have been there!!

Isn't this site for advice ScottGem?? We aren't all experts but we all have had life experiences!

Calm down

WOW didnt realise this would cause such a stir - all i did was give my advice - agree with me or not.

All i did was advise what i would do in that situation beacsue i have been there!!!!!

Isnt this site for advice ScottGem????? We arent all experts but we all have had life experiences!

Calm down
Just want to point out that nobody expects professional advice, but deceit, lies, and illegal advice, is not welcome, and that's the point, so don't jump on those who are at least trying to keep the standard high for ALL of us.

WOW didnt realise this would cause such a stir - all i did was give my advice - agree with me or not.

Isnt this site for advice ScottGem????? We arent all experts but we all have had life experiences!


First, I am calm. Second, yes this site is for advice, but the regulars here take pride in the quality of the advice given. Finally, what I did was simply disagree with your advice as you point out I can. The main problem here was not your advice (though, In my opinion it was a problem), but in lacey's misinterpretation of my response and subsequent refusal to accept the facts.

Hi,

I'm having some trouble. This is my first pregnancy and my boyfriend and I just broke up. He hasn't had a job since I've known or have been dating him. He is an alcoholic, lives off unemployment, doesn't look for a job or anything. Plus, he already has a daughter that he can't even support right now. We got into a really bad argument on the phone last night and he said he wanted me to have an abortion even though I'm not going to. He said he didn't even want the baby, but if I kept it, he would want to be a part of his/her life. I want to try to get full custody of my child when that day comes, but I wonder if they would allow it. I've seen how he doesn't even watch over his own daughter, and well, and I hate to see what he would do with our child. I'm a very responsible person, who as my stuff together, has a fantastic job, new car, new house, good financial stability. I'm just wondering if the courts would rule in favor for me if I needed to go court? Or is there another plan that I should take in this situation? Please help.....:(
I'm going through the same situation. Do what you think is right for you and the baby. Look into some legal advice.

Well everyone is entitled to an opinion - while lies and deceit is not usually the best way to go about it.

In this case it is! IN MY OPINION!

Well everyone is entitled to an opinion - while lies and deceit is not usually the best way to go about it.

In this case it is! IN MY OPINION!

And it is my opinion that its not. It could come back to haunt if the father ever finds out the truth. And how are you going to explain it to the child when he gets old enough.

well I have been told if he is not on the birth certificate, and you do not want child support then its not very easy for him to try to take you to court to get to see her. If he does he will have to pay child support and they will make him get a job.. but also he will have to pay the 600.00 for the paternity test and being he is on unemployment he may as well not bother.. I went with my baby's father when he was trying and get custody to get child support and they are not very nice to men here. But it sounds like your man is as rotten as mine was. At least he didn't accuse u of being with someone else or being pregnant with another man's child. Some men just do not grow up girl and I am sorry but if he is not trying to get a job now to take care of his responsibilities I don't think he ever will. Some men change when they see the baby but advice people have given me is just to find someone else and leave him alone. If he does sign baby birth certificate u can get child support and they will MAKE HIM GET A JOB and when he does not pay he will go to jail.. the choice is yours but I would not worry too much. He has no money to take you to court =)

well i have been told ...)

The actions of family courts vary widely. So how you were treated in one jurisdiction doesn't necessarily hold true in other places, even within the same state.

Child support and visitation issues are generally held separate. So its certainly possible for a parent to get visitation without paying support and vice versa.

The main issue here is if the OP can be forced to list his name and if she leaves his name off, what will he have to do to obtain rights. This issue has been discussed in the many other posts in this thread.