We have been together for a few years now. I was wondering what might be the causes for the following: he in never interested in my day, valentines day birthdays go by for me without much notice, he has no compassion if I am upset or need him (which is not very often) he tells me to get over it. Also he ignores things I ask of him, he constantly finds things to criticize me about causing fights for no reason, he never looks at me (if I dress up or dress in something sexy he doesn't notice. We don't have any affection except me sleeping close to him at night which I do and I usually get his back. We don't kiss or hold hands and it has been months since we have had sex every time I try he is tired or stressed or not in the mood or a whole list of other reasons (and I know in other relationships he was never this way). He is never available at work when I call, he doesn't even call me anymore, and he works very late. He locks his computer and phone and vehicle when he gets home and will sometime just go to bed. In the past he has called me every name in the book and tells me I'm not good enough. Nothing has ever happened to cause a rift in the marriage. He is a very strong Baptist so I don't think he's cheating. The first several months of our relationship he was nothing like this always complementing me kissing and showing affection. What's happened? Thank you

What's happened you ask? He got married and it was not as he had imagined it would be. Marriage can be quite a shock to men as they watch too many Hollywood movies that portray marriage as something it really isn't. He really turned around and headed in the opposite direction from where you two started when you first got married.

His being overly secretive and extremely non affectionate tells me that he probably has someone else and he does not know how to tell you. Being a Baptist is all good and everything, but men will be men regardless of their religion.

If he keeps calling you every name in the book and you are just taking his verbal abuse, he knows you are his doormat and he's going to keep using you as such.

You need to confront him if you want to and address the obvious possibility of another woman and see just what he says and does OR you can just start making plans for life without hubby immediately. I'm sorry to tell you that no, he is exhibiting all the signs of someone who is no longer in love.

NO, if he is doing all of those things, he is first not a strong Baptist, he is merely a back sliden one, since a good Christian does not treat their family that way. He is doing something

Beyond getting him to go a counseling service I don't see muchhope.

This question is for strong religious men out there... If the husband simply gets bored with his wife and falls out of love, will he still be able to stay married without infidelity. Can a religious man stay faithful to a wife he doesn't love? Also what reasons do men have for not wanting to love someone that they truly did love at one time especially since nothing happened to ruin the relationship?

Any man can staff faithfull, just as any one can.

Being faithfull to a partner or even to god is a choice... Nothing more.

However if your talking about the emotional attachment and drive to be with another once the love has gone. The desire and drive is always there, its natural. But it's a choice to act on it or not.

It's a lot to expect for a man/woman, to lose that feeling and stay loyal to his partner I think. But if he has a strong conviction to his marriage, he may just stay loyal.

Short answer, yes. They can.

As far as why he might "fall out of love"... another short answer: $hit happens.

When someone figures out how someone else can "fall out of love" gimme a call.

It is possible. Have to you thought about going to a marriage counselor? There are ways to rekindle the flame.
Since you say you are a religious man, pray for your marriage, ask for it to be restored and then seek some counseling so that you and your wife can get back on track.
Does your wife know about this?

Why won't my spouse confess to cheating? It has been going on for a while now and there has been many arguments over it. I have many different forms of evidence and my spouse has been caught in many lies and sneaking around. But when I ask about it there is no admittion of anything not even speaking with another person, even when there is evidence right in the open. My spouse claims to still love me and wants to be with me. I have already made it very clear that I want to be over it and move on, however he won't admit anything and is still continuing with it. Why doesn't he end it with me if that's what he wants or just finally end it. And why won't he admit to anything at all. It bothers me because we are very faithful and he has swore to God. Why won't he come clean? Is there anyway to make him confess on his own. Thanks.

Put a gun to his head?? No of course there is no way to make him confess. And why do you have to get him to confess, 20 years from now, he may talk to you about it, And I guess my question is, what are you waiting on?? You blame him for not ending it, well you have not ended it either, sounds more like you want to make sure he takes the blame to? Make yourself justified?

If you know it for sure, have all the evidence then move on, you are wanting something that you can not force to happen.

Have him served with divorce papers. When the divorce is final, what he does or does not admit to is immaterial.

They're married, they're not dating. The rules are supposed to be different.

It doesn't sound to me like the OP is asking if we think she should end her marriage, she seems to be asking for help on getting him to be more honest so she can move past this issue with him.

Am I correct?

Now, as to your questions, MTA:

Why won't my spouse confess to cheating?
Because he's one of "those guys". He doesn't feel the need to admit. In fact, pressing him on it directly may have the exact opposite effect you want.

Is it really just the confession you want? That may be a long way off. If you're positive it is still going on and you are willing to do the work to keep your marriage together, you may need to step off the "confess" issue for awhile.

Instead, spend your time showing him you know what's going on and need it to stop. See, no questions. If he's cheating, he's doing it on his own time... so show up "during" the cheating activity and take your man home.

Talk to the cheater, the cheater's husband, family, coworkers. Whoever you can enlist to interfere with their activities.

See, no questions.

Why doesn't he end it with me if thats what he wants or just finally end it?
Because he loves you. He wants his cake (you) and his dessert (mistress). As long as he's getting away with it by successfully denying anything is going on, it will continue.

He will stop when he is properly motivated to stop. Embarrass him by exposing his activities to everyone you know, or quietly pack your things and separate from him.

If his behaviors don't cost him anything he cares about, he isn't motivated to change.

See, still no questions. If you do separate, don't ask him to change. Just tell him why you've left. (still not screaming divorce, you notice?)

And why wont he admit to anything at all?
Asked and answered. When cornered he's feigning innocent. Stop asking questions.

Present your evidence on a daily basis, show up during his cheating events, let everyone in on his activities. A HUGE part of his enjoyment of this affair is the secrecy. Deny him that.

Why wont he come clean? Is there anyway to make him confess on his own?
Asked and answered. It has to cost him something. He'll never confess on his own without it, and I'm still confident confession is irrelevant.

Lastly, previous suggestions are effective, too. I'm just one to always try and shake the tree REAL hard and save the marriage.

My husband has narcisistic personality disorder and always blames me specifically for all his problems no matter how ridiculous it is. He recently started going to counseling for other issues. Is someone like this really capable of loving someone else? We have two children together and there are moments that I can remember early on where he was compassionate and aware of his flaws, but now it seems something has changed him. Does he know his faults or does someone like this actually believe that they are perfect? Recently I have suspected him of infidelity (actually for the past year right after our second child was born) am I foolish to think that a marriage can be saved with a person like this. Still he will not admit to any wrong doing even when I have proof right in front of him. Throughout our relationship he was verbally abusive, it has only been recently when I told him I couldn't deal with that aspect anymore that he has seemed to limit the hurtful things he says to me. Does he feel remorse? And should I hold on to the hope that someday we will be the way we have always talked about? Thank you

My husband and I have been together for several years now and he has no desire for me at all. The first year he coulndt keep his hands off me, but I was a younger than. Im only mid 20's now and he never wants to touch me. Even before we got married he never seemed to want to touch me after the first year. We both agreed to be chaste before we got married so I can justify that (however him never wanting to even kiss seemed strange) but we are married now! He always has some excuse and its always after I have tried several times and he finally gives in averaging once every 45 days or so. When I go out I get men looking at me all the time, and I have been told that I am attractive, smart, down to earth person, I know that sounds conceeded but I am not I only added that just to give some back ground. What is wrong with me, or is it him? We have discussed several times and I don't know what to do now.

What are the reasons he gives you for not wanting to be intimate very often. Does he have issues with sex and being close? Does he have a job that is stressing him out? Is he depressed, or just too tired? What does he say to you when you bring up your concerns?

I don't know much about it but often people with these types of problems tend more to learn to fit in. Their feelings, emotions, rationalizing and logic are more learned behavior as far as compassion and how to treat others.
He may very well love you as much as he knows how and is capable of.
His always projecting blame and all is something he very likely doesn't have much control over and has no idea how to change it.
A good psychologist should be able to tell you what his personal limitations are and how to work with him on his behaviors and all.

The excuses are stereotypical I'm tired, I have a headache, I'm not in the mood, I'm watching this show. Granted I know there are times that these things are true, but literally every single time for 3 years straight (married life, 2 years dating).

It's time to think about counselling, get to the bottom of this with professional help. It sounds like he has issues, and he's either unaware of them or not comfortable enough to talk about them. This isn't good for your marriage, get some help.

Good luck.

As I understand it, he never had sex before he married you. (Was it for religious reasons?) Anyway,

Just my take on it, my reaction if I were in your situation. If he is not a porn addict, I would think that he is a homosexual. I would never think that it had anything to do with me... if he were heterosexual and a decent person, he would be discussion sex with you.

He is running away from you and sex.

Possible?

I agree with Choux. He has the capability to love you, but not have sex. He only does it once in a while for you not for him. Look online on your history of the computer or on temporary internet files and see if there's any gay sites he's looked at.

There is a possibility that he has a low sex drive or something wrong with him. If you know he has a problem you need to confront him.

I tried asking this already but I guess it didn't post. But I must know, what are some signs that a man could be gay? What are some signs that he has already had a sexual encounter? Please be as detailed as you can this is very important. Thank you.

Well, the easiest sign to spot is him standing up and shouting "I'm gay!" to the world. However, that isn't likely to happen if he is hiding it.

Why not just ask him?

If you catch him playing "Hide the sausage" or playing the "skin flute" with his buddies that's a clue. Or as was mentioned you can ask. Many will just come out and tell you if asked, unless he is in the closet then he will obviously deny it.

I tried asking this already but I guess it didnt post. But I must know, what are some signs that a man could be gay? What are some signs that he has already had a sexual encounter? please be as detailed as you can this is very important. thank you.



Well yeah if I caught him I wouldn't be confused anymore... HOWEVER... I have mentioned it to him and he gets enraged at the question. And instead of saying no he says "im not going to justify that with an answer"... so yes I asked him and that didn't work out. Any other suggestions, come on I know there has to be some other indications or does anyone know of a secret question that would determine if they were gay or not? I don't know but I need to know!!

What things make you suspect he might be?


Usually when somebody overly reacts negatively to a question they are hiding something but not always.

Hello mta:

I'm not supposed to tell you this or I could lose my membership in Gensa. Gay men have a secret hand sign. If you give him three fingers pointing down on your left hand, he MUST (as required by the gay code), reply by unzipping his trousers.

If you sign him, and he doesn't respond, he's straight as an arrow.

Or, once gay men have homosexual sex, their member, that used to bend to the right, now bends to the left.

excon

WHY you suspect it might help us here.

There ARE no definitive signs, other than admission or catching him in the act, that would say "yes, he's gay, don't go there".

Her posting history might offer a clue: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?do=process&showposts=0&starteronly=1&exactname=1&searchuser=mta

Most of her posts show worry about the relationship and him cheating
Still wonder what she is basing her idea he might be with a guy as opposed to cheating with a girl?

Hello again, mta:

Let's see, he's gay, he's nuts, he ISN'T having sex with you, he won't confess, he IS having sex with somebody, he's religious, he's a drug addict, he doesn't love you, and he should never be alone with his kids.

Does that about sum it up? Looks hopeless to me. I think you should leave.

excon

OK after browsing through the link NeedKarma posted I see a lot of accusations but little hard proof of them.

Based on the limited information we have (which is all on one sided and likely biased) I suspect the man might feel henpecked, and would lash out with an answer like he did. Even minor accusations repeatedly made will make a guy hypersensitive and deflate his libido towards that woman.

Now I can say this as I had previously had relationships with women that were insainely jealous and actually had convinced themselves things were going on that weren't. They are long since history as a result. And yes as a guy there is nothing that infuriates me than being accused of doing something I wasn't doing. I might get bent over being accused of something I actually was doing but not like false accusations.

People are people as while there remains a small possibility he might have actually done something based on his reactions it makes me believe he hasn't. Now I'm not saying you can't drive a faithful guy into the arms of another woman by doing this, because there is little that will do it faster than this. And because he might eventually do so doesn't mean he always did.

Some of You guys are being a little rough on her... through out all of her postings she never suspected he was gay until her July 13 post... a member gave her that suggestion and she is just following up on it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/no-sex-237034.html


Mta From all that you said I don't really think that gay is the issue... I think he is a little woman abuser , sex is just another means of controlling and abusing you.


If I were you instead of trying to figure him out I would be involved in some counseling trying to figure out why I continue to put up with his different types of abuse.

You being bitter, angry, distrustful insecure is not going to help your situation. I would go for the counseling.

Oh I missed that didn't read the replies

She still hasn't really stated enough of what he DOES that make her feel red flags of he is up to whatever.

Some of You guys are being a little rough on her...through out all of her postings she never suspected he was gay until her July 13 post....a member gave her that suggestion and she is just following up on it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/no-sex-237034.html


Mta From all that you said I don't really think that gay is the issue....I think he is a little woman abuser , sex is just another means of controlling and abusing you.


If I were you instead of trying to figure him out I would be involved in some counseling trying to figure out why I continue to put up with his different types of abuse.

You being bitter, angry, distrustful insecure is not going to help your situation. I would go for the counseling.I read through ALL her posts before my last answer... I still stand by them. And that is from a guys perspective. I've actually been on the receiving end of a woman's delusional wrath before. Not saying she (the OP) is delusional, the woman I was involved with was, but I see a trend in all these posts that blame him for everything with no personal introspection on her part.

Most times there is an action / reaction thing going on vs one party being completely and solely responsible for everything that happens.

smoothy... first of all, I did not point you out as being rough on her or that your take was wrong. I only provided why I thought she even brought the gay issue up, that is was brought up to herby a member. She has been posting since jan... and 6 months later 1 time she brings up the gay issue, She has said in the past that he verbally abuses her... yes men and women will use sex as forms of control.

On a lot of her post she seems to be wildly grasping at straws to figure out the problem.

If you noticed in my post I told her to get counseling and concentrate on her behavior...

*edit* I just don't think she was accusing him of being gay so much as just considering it as a possible reason as to why he is not into her.

smoothy...first of all, I did not point you out as being rough on her or that your take was wrong. I only provided why I thought she even brought the gay issue up, that is was brought up to herby a member. She has been posting since jan...and 6 months later 1 time she brings up the gay issue, She has said in the past that he verbally abuses her...yes men and women will use sex as forms of control.

On a lot of her post she seems to be wildly grasping at straws to figure out the problem.

If you noticed in my post I told her to get counseling and concentrate on her behavior...

*edit* I just dont' think she was accusing him of being gay so much as just considering it as a possible reason as to why he is not into her.

I think counseling is a good idea... If I'm right it might get resolved before the marriage is ruined since kids are involved if I remember correctly.

In this case I don't think he is using sex to control her. Most guys are seriously put off by women that do this. It may be as simple as that.

He may stick around out of loyalty, love or just the kids even with this happening. A woman complaining (actually the "B" word) is the most quick way to wilt a guys willy.

Dear mta,

He is full of rage toward you per your additional comment. That is a *very big* problem effecting your relationship.

Why is he raging toward you? Do you know? Something has happened between you. Are you playing silly games with him?

What is it?

I have read three of your posts now, and I think you have to lay off all the blaming attitude toward him... he is full of rage against you, and I think your blaming and complaining attitude is a problem for him.

Take the pressure off him and your relationship by working on your faults until Christmas. In the new year, you can assess the entire situation.

Best wishes, :)

OH yeah this is the same one that was pointed out that they are grasping for straws.
As I said you haven't stated anything he is actually doing that concerns you so it could just be paranoia on your part.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/gay-men-confused-housewife-237637.html

Dear mta,

He is full of rage toward you per your additional comment. That is a *very big* problem effecting your relationship.

Why is he raging toward you? Do you know? Something has happened between you. Are you playing silly games with him?

What is it?


Choux, which additional comment, the one where she questioned him about his sexual orientation? If so, that problem was planted in her head because of this post;


As I understand it, he never had sex before he married you. (Was it for religious reasons?) Anyway,

Just my take on it, my reaction if I were in your situation. If he is not a porn addict, I would think that he is a homosexual. I would never think that it had anything to do with me... if he were heterosexual and a decent person, he would be discussion sex with you.

He is running away from you and sex.

Possible?
__________________
__________________
Choux, Sui Generis

OP, I think you are worrying yourself to death over this. Time for counselling, and if he refuses then you have to start thinking whether this relationship is healthy and whether you should stay. You obviously have trust issues, and that is a road to disaster, without trust and communication a relationship cannot survive.

Is he gay? I don't know, you know him and you don't know, so how would I or any of us? Just because one person suggests he might be gay doesn't mean he is. It could be that he's just not interested in sex right now, or he's stressed, or he's not happy in the marriage either. It could be so many things, that's what counselling will help you both find out.

Good luck.

The poor man has obviously been on the receiving end of a bunch of questions (attacks? ) from the questioner if he went ballistic over being asked if he was gay. If I had asked my husband or any boyfriend if he were gay, he would just have said no. (Or maybe yes or bisexual, who knows)

This is a board for ADULTS, folks. I answer as if I'm talking to adults. :D

Alten... go find someone else to follow around and be mad at!! You are a stalker, dudess.

*shivers*

OP, I say again, the things going on in your marriage need to be dealt with professionally. We can give you advice, and listen to your grievances, but we cannot help you fix your marriage, that is up to you and your husband.

I wish you all the best in the future, and hope that you both figure out what is going on and find a way to fix it.

Good luck.

Choux, I have added you to my ignore list, I'm tired of your nonsense. Good luck to you too. :)

I agree that his reaction could be that of a guilty guy trying to hide something

on the other hand I have seen guys react in the same way when they have a badgering wife that accuses him on empty theories she has formulated in her own mind.

Good point NoHelp.

If I asked my hubby whether he was gay, he'd be extremely insulted. Of course he's say no, or I'm not going to dignify that with an answer, because he'd be shocked that I even asked.

The OP really needs to get some help, she's very confused, and badgering her husband with all these questions isn't going to change the situation they're in, if anything it will only make it worse.

I'm asking to figure out how to manage it. What exactly did I say that would make you pass judgement. If you were a so called "expert" than you would realize that all my questions have to do with this one complex issue. A husband with a drug history cheats. Wow is that really all that unbelievable. I am struggling right now with this, and I don't want to blame him I want to try to do what I can to fix the situation but I'm trying to find out if that is even possbile. What because I'm trying to understand him and am actually trying to work it out I'm weird. You don't know me... but you seem to be pretty miserable. I'm guessing you are single aren't you and hate everybody huh... oh you poor thing you just didn't get hugged enough did you. Well kiddo try really hard to have a good day anyway ;) by the way what are the qualifications to say you're an expert? I didn't realize that at "ASK ME HELP DESK" there were only certain questions that were acceptable. I guess I could just ask you first to make sure that they were OK?? :rolleyes:

Why don't you post all the things you say your husband is doing on ONE post THEN maybe somebody can help you. Your first two posts you claim he is a strong Christian that would not cheat. Then you say he must be cheating. Then you accuse him of all kinds of things that you do not back up with anything that he does. Then you ask if he can be gay. Then you ask if he is narcissistic. Now you are claiming he is into drugs. Then you criticize replies
but HOW can we help if you keep changing your story and adding stuff and NOT saying WHAT things he IS doing that make you feel this way. He is ignoring you and acting strange basically.
We are NOT mind readers. We do not know WHAT he is doing to have you so upset.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental-emotional-health/narcisistic-personality-237032.html

How can we tell you how to manage it if you do not post everything on one post and not contradict yourself??
You started saying he is a good Christian that wouldn't cheat, then you accused him of cheating, then you asked if he could be gay, then you asked about if he was narcissistic, NOW you have him all the way up to a drug history that I must of missed in your bunch of posts.
I asked WHAT is he actually doing that makes you think he is ''so complex''?

How do you expect us to answer when we haven't gotten any full straight answers from you?
Does he stay out all night and you have no idea where he is?
Is he doing drug deals or doing drugs that you know for sure?
Is he looking at gay porn?
Is he talking on the phone and hiding who he is talking to?
What makes you think he is narcissistic? Not paying attention to you and being argumentative doesn't make one narcissistic.

You haven't said WHAT he is doing! Just things that don't add up.

On the flimsy stuff you have told us, you manage it by getting counseling, telling your husband you are not going to put up with it any more or you will divorce him. Is that what you are looking for??

Wow, Nohelp, I had no idea she had posted so many confusing threads.

OP, we really need the whole story in order to give you accurate advice.

Mod's maybe all her posts should be merged?

Wow, Nohelp, I had no idea she had posted so many confusing threads.

OP, we really need the whole story in order to give you accurate advice.

I pointed that out in the 8th post in this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/gay-men-confused-housewife-237637.html#post1151251

AND, the poor guy is going to counselling to help himself, and he has to face a lot of blaming, nagging and complaining at home.

Some people just don't understand that they make their own problems.

Sorry NeedKarma, I didn't see that. :(

The OP hasn't been back for a while, I hope she returns.

The next big blow up and she will return with more grasping at straws, her post seem to be sporadic.

She jumped all over me in her narcissistic post.
She is claiming he is into drugs because she found light bulbs and straw pens.

Light bulbs and straw pens, oh no, I have both! ;)

I think she's just a nervous wreck and reads too much into ordinary everyday things. Maybe hubby is fed up, if she acts like this here, can you imagine what she's like at home. Always asking questions, are you on drugs, are you gay, are you cheating? That's got to get annoying after a while.

Here is what she said when she went off on me

I'm asking to figure out how to manage it. What exactly did I say that would make you pass judgement. If you were a so called "expert" than you would realize that all my questions have to do with this one complex issue. A husband with a drug history cheats. Wow is that really all that unbelievable. I am struggling right now with this, and I don't want to blame him I want to try to do what I can to fix the situation but I'm trying to find out if that is even possbile. What because I'm trying to understand him and am actually trying to work it out I'm weird. You don't know me... but you seem to be pretty miserable. I'm guessing you are single aren't you and hate everybody huh... oh you poor thing you just didn't get hugged enough did you. Well kiddo try really hard to have a good day anyway by the way what are the qualifications to say you're an expert? I didn't realize that at "ASK ME HELP DESK" there were only certain questions that were acceptable. I guess I could just ask you first to make sure that they were OK??

Wow, she's got a huge chip on her shoulder. I think this is a case of, I'll ask and you tell me what I want to hear.

Merging all of her questions would probably actually muddle things---because all of the responses would make no sense, all jumbled together like that.

And can you blame her for not coming back at this point? The last few posts have been a discussion between members about her, in HER thread, and have been extremely unflattering to her, and have not addressed her at all.


mta, we need the WHOLE story. Sit down and write out ONE question that addresses all of your concerns and why you have them. Right now, everything is getting muddled because your questions seem to jump all over about your husband. Either you are extremely paranoid and don't trust your husband at all, or you are in an situation you need to get out of right away---or BOTH.

Please come back and post the whole story so we can better help you.

Before I post, I want to say that I don't know what caused this antagonism towards the OP, but I don't see why she deserves it. I skimmed her posts, and maybe I missed something, but being called a nagger or a blamer by anyone does not mean it's true. Nohelp, you are always so incredibly helpful, and I thought your first post was incredibly insightful, especially since you prefaced it by writing that you're not an expert on the subject. Like I said, I've been trying to figure out what went wrong here, but I'm feeling a little lost by it. Since we aren't seeing anyone in real life, it can be difficult to judge the situation. We have to go by their word and their own perceptions of the situation.

mta, just so you know, there are different experts on this site, but most of us posters are just regular people who try our best to help answer what we can. There are times that answers are wrong, and there are times when even the experts don't get it exactly right.

Calling someone a narcissist is no small accusation, as I'm sure you know. It is, in fact, very serious, and it very well may be the case.

Narcissism is an incredibly complex issue, and it is often unbelievably difficult for anyone who is close to them, so you can only imagine what it is like to be in a marriage with one. It really looks to me like the signs laid out by you, mta, are in fact classic symptoms that show up in narcissistic personality disorder. They can also come from other factors, but I have a feeling that you may be "grasping for straws" to identify something that you know is "off." I would not take that kind of gut feeling lightly, and I'm glad you reached out for help.

I know toxic narcissism from experience, and it can be an impossible heavy burden to bear. My dad, who is an extremely influential psychologist and highly successful in his own life, is also a toxic narcissist. My mom sent me a book she read on the subject, which she thought would help me to gain insight on the situation, and I think it would be extremely helpful for you to read. It can help you to assess your own situation, whatever it is, and if he is in fact what you think he is, it can really help you to understand what you need to do for your own well being. This might mean staying with him, but it might mean leaving.

Here's the book:

Help! I'm in Love With a Narcissist by steven carter and julia sokol

I know that it's available on amazon.com. One major factor in determining if someone is indeed a toxic narcissist is whether they are capable of empathy. The real detrimental truth of the matter is that, for various reasons, most narcissists are never "cured."

I wish you all the best, and I hope your relationship improves. If it can't be saved, I hope you save yourself.

Okay, I'm adding an edit here. I skimmed some of your other posts before writing this, but I just finished reading all of them thoroughly. I don't know if he is a narcissist. It would explain a whole lot, but it's entirely possible that something else is going on. In any case, the book I suggested could help to clear some of those questions up for you. Whether your husband addresses the issues that are potentially damaging your relationship, you might want to go into counseling for yourself. It could certainly take some of the pressure off you trying to figure things out on your own. I have written a lot to you because your story touched me. I hope you come back and post. I wish you well.

I tried asking this already but I guess it didnt post. But I must know, what are some signs that a man could be gay? What are some signs that he has already had a sexual encounter? please be as detailed as you can this is very important. thank you.
In truth its not as easy as that I'm afraid.
I wish it was but its not.. People say "If hes camp (acts like a girl) then he is." No, that's wrong, and I suspect he doesn't anyway.
You'll either have to ask him or notice if he checks guys out.

I know this thread isn't brand new, but I wanted to contribute to it anyway since I know that mta is still dealing with these issues.

Jbeaucaire, your post was outstanding. I've never seen that kind of advice presented so well. Ever.

My parents were married for 37 years. The last five of those years, my dad started cheating on my mom with all kinds of women. All of us believe that he was a faithful man until it started. Then the problem got totally out of control. My mom, who is a good and gentle person, did everything you can imagine to get him to stop from therapy to actually waiting it out. But once he began with the lies, they got bigger and bigger until everything he did was manipulative in some way or another. At one point, she found that he had a spare cell phone. He denied it. Then she called the number and heard his voice on his voice mail saying to leave a message. Even then he denied it. She even played it in front of him, and he made up some crazy lie saying that someone asked him to make their voice mail message. There are all kinds of ways people can convince themselves that what they're doing is right, no matter how religious, pious or moral they think they are.

Here's the thing - he thinks he's a really ethical guy.

He even thought that it was unfair of my mom to make him choose between her and his girlfriend(s). This may not be the case in your story, but I can promise you that I never, ever would have believed that this would have happened had I not seen it myself.

I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be okay, but not every story ends when it should. I hope that things start looking up for you soon.

I'm kind of hesitant about posting this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I know that the community here is capable of unbelievable support for anyone that needs it. This is as true for people who are looking for a better way to fry chicken as it is for people who are trying to hold their lives together.

I feel like this poor woman has been reaching out, unsure of how to ask the right questions, and very sure that the foundation her life is based on may very well be crumbling beneath her feet.

I do think that she is grasping at straws, that she is considering every single possibility that could answer why her marriage seems to be falling apart. We can only imagine what it would be like in her shoes, experiencing the frustration of her situation. Her husband is doing some very sketchy things. He locks his car, his phone and his computer - he locks her out of them. The only person who could possibly do these things would be someone with a lot to hide. He withholds all physical affection. He wouldn't even kiss her until they were married. She finds items that she believes to be drug paraphernalia in her home. When she said lightbulbs, I don't think she meant regular old unmanipulated bulbs. She's concerned that he is not attracted to her. She's concerned that he might be a narcissist. It may be harder for us to put the whole story together when it is spread into different threads, but she's looking for answers wherever she can get them, and I don't blame her for that.

I have gone through her posts, and I am shocked at how many times people have gone after her. She didn't talk about "henpecking" her husband (which, by the way, I find is a rather misogynistic term). She didn't talk about nagging him to death. She said that she asked if he is gay. If I were in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing. She didn't say how she asked it, but a lot of posters assumed that she was doing it in the worst way she could. What would be a good way to ask your husband if he's gay? And if you really thought that might be the root of the problem, how couldn't you ask him?

We know that he calls himself a devout baptist. Whether he practices what he preaches, we don't know, but if he IS gay and he believes that being gay is a soul-condemning sin, it would not be unusual for him to act out by pulling away from his wife both emotionally and physically, by doing drugs, by experimenting with men in relationships (or even with prostitutes)... this list could go on forever.

If he is not gay, I would still be suspicious of him cheating. When a relationship is honest, both parties are open books. He does not sound like an open book to me. It looks to me like he's put a lock on his cover. If he is cheating, it could be with someone he actually loves, or it could be with different people with whom he has no emotional attachment. It's possible that he has repressed sexual attitudes that actually cause him to act out sexually.

Regarding the question about signs that a man has been having a sexual affair, I think she means the male equivalent of lipstick marks on his shirt collar, smelling it on him, showering as soon as he gets home, used condom wrappers... that kind of thing, not how he runs or says "fabulous."

It's true that we don't know all the details of the OP's life, but I think we have more than enough to go on to say that this story is bad news. Alten was absolutely right in suggesting counseling. If he isn't willing to go, or if he doesn't take some serious steps to meet his wife halfway, I can't see things working themselves out on their own.

The suggestion of hiring a private investigator is a brilliant idea. You will have your answers much more quickly that way, and you will be able to move on with your life, whatever the outcome.

mta, I hope you do come back. I hope you feel like you do have people to turn to. Synnen's suggestion of writing everything out in a new and complete post is excellent. I bet it would also help you to put all of your concerns in one place. It might make things a lot clearer for you, and it might even be therapeutic. I also hope that no one is going to attack her again when she's asking for this kind of help, no matter how she does it.

How many women actually see that they are or even admit to henpecking?
The main problem I (and I think others) see here with trying to 'help' her is that even when she has been asked to please give us an idea of things he is doing she doesn't and then only goes grasping at more straws. Like she will not answer things like
Does he stay out all night and she has no idea where he is?
Is he doing drug deals or doing drugs that she knows for sure?
Is he looking at gay porn?
Is he talking on the phone and hiding who he is talking to?
Shutting down the computer site he is on when she walks in the room?
What does she consider narcissistic behaviors?

Yeah he does not sound like an open book but often some guys will shut down and hide if they do not feel like answering a wife with a million questions because they find it easier.
So far she has said stuff that does not really implicate him into anything other than her suspicion.
And most of that is very flimpsy at best.

So yeah that would be nice if she would come back and do a single post that explains everything with more detail

There are some good questions in your post, nohelp.

Let's hope she comes back to answer them!

You have to stay faithful to your wife, the scripture in Matthew 5:27-32; Matthew 19:3-9: and Mark 10:11-12, unless there has been Adultery on your wife's part, you will cause yourself to commit adultery, the woman you are with next to commit adultery and your wife that you would divorce to commit adultery with the next man that would marry her. With the Lord being so close to coming to take us home to be with him and wrap this old world up, do you really want to be responsible for so many souls and their blood on your hands. Please brothers be strong, hold on to the Lord, seek a Holy walk with God. God's blessing will not be with you to walk out on a faithful wife. Remember what you felt for your wife when you first met her and how you felt when you fell in love with her and first touched her. What you did to kindle the fire with her in the beginning, do it again and again and again! If she doesn't look the same or the other women look better in your eyes you have taken your eyes off Jesus and on to yourself. God's word in Ephesians 5:25-33 commands husbands to just love your wife as Christ loved the church, love her faults away, be Jesus in skin for her. Another woman isn't worth losing eternity with God in Heaven for! I'll be praying for you.