unphasedgirl
Jan 30, 2008, 07:20 AM
I'm not sure if I'm normal or not, it sounds strange but the more I think the more I think all my problems are because of me and not anyone else.
going back years I've always had a problem bonding with people, I've never really made friends, I've always been quite happy sitting in at home, with the family, or occupying myself by watching dvds, computer, reading, etc.
through high school I had a big problem with a girl who I thought to be my best friend, I became more outgoing, I was always with her, after two years of that she obviously got bored of me, and moved on, having lied etc (that was cutting a very long story short) she said she would rather have been in prison than being with me. It really affected me this, and although I'm over her now, I still think subconsciously things that happened during this time still affect me emotionally and psychologically to this day (now 6 years later, I am now nearly 20)
after this I got friendly with another girl but again I didn't feel like going out and locked myself inside and kept all my hurt and pain inside. I just longed to be like other girls.
throughout college I did start to trust people a bit more, and I did start to go out, I went to an all girls school whereas college was mixed, I made some lad friends, and I even fancied a few, I started to go out clubbing and enjoying life, lads started to show interest in me and although I enjoyed it at the time what I was doing was wrong... but that was still 3years ago and now after what's happened recently it all makes sense... basically I used to text lads, flirt over texts, flirt if I saw them out, but I didn't want any more I was petrified of commitment.
when I was 16 I got a job, lads showed interest there, one inparticular but again the lads I tend to attract are complete weirdos, this guy was the worst in store, on drugs, smoked, drank, bad language, bad temper. But that never showed to me, we texted for the best part of a year, we always talked in work, he treated me with such respect and gave me the attention I liked, but we had no commitment, basically it was a text relationship, I loved it, I was in my element, in all fairness you could argue that I led him on, I did tell him the truth and that my parents being strict as they are would not allow me to date someone on drugs etc, but he still worked on me, I told him I liked him all the time, but he always showed care and affection towards me, it was a very strange situation but I loved it, eventually in summer 2007 he got bored and moved on to another girl in the shop, we have stayed friends, well civil, as he began to tell people we were together, it got a bit out of hand, and left people having rather ill feelings towards me in work.
however, summer 2007, I had just got back from holiday and went back to work, and stumbled across a familiar face, a guy who I had major hots for who worked over christmas period 2006, he had finished uni and come back and was now working in my department. We got chatting and we went out on a few work nights out, ended up texting but although I liked him as soon as I knew he was interested I freaked out and stepped back, as I just didn't wasn't commitment. We didn't speak for about a week then we met up again on a night out, I was rather drunk and we ended up kissing and sharing a taxi home, was texting him that night an agreed to a date. (strange thing was first date... at his house? ) I went on the date it was fine, he freaked me out a little by telling me he had a high sex drive, baring in mind he is very nearly 22 now, so a little older than me, and I have never been in a relationship before. We dated for about 2 weeks, but he mentioned sex that many times I freaked out and told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. We had no contact very about a month after this, then I randomly got a text saying he missed me, I did miss him, but as I said earlier it didn't bother me sitting in alone, occupying myself. We started texting again as I enjoyed the texting part we texted for a few weeks and he asked if we could trial it again, I kept saying no, but deep down I wanted to, we still carried out texting. One night we were both out I was going to meet up with him but plans went wrong and I didn't, he text a very angry text and said he can't wait round forever, and that I had messed him about (which is all fairness I had done) and again we had no contact for weeks, but this time I REALLY MISSED HIM, I had no one to text, I felt even more lonely, I couldn't be bothered doing anything, I put on weight, I felt depressed. He had an interview for a job at the end of October, so I text him out the blue to wish him good luck, he text back and said he had really missed me, and sorry for being angry at me and he really liked me, and would always have feelings for me. I told him I liked him but I just didn't want commitment or want to be in a relationship as I'm so insecure and shy. He told me he understood that now and if we got back together everything would be really slow and work really well, basically he sold himself to me and I said OK lets I've it a try.
we were together, in a serious relationship from October to jan, we had good times, we had bad times, he showed love and care in some ways but not in others, he still talked about sex a lot, and we ended up having it like a month into the relationship, I don't regret it as I loved him I felt ready, but after we had it a few times, he started wanting it more and more, he expressed fantasies and what he wanted from our sex life, me being me as I'm a very unopinionated person gave in to a few things, but cos I new my parents wouldn't approve I let guilt get the better of me I started to have thoughts about being unhappy and I all I could think about were his bad points and I started tog et really scared, really insecure and the more I thought the more I wanted to escape. Without thinking it through I dumped him, he was GUTTED, he begged and begged, I told him why I had done it, and he said that none of it would have happened if I had just spoken to him and communicated with him, he said anything he could do to make me happy and be with me he would cos he loved me with all his heart and wanted me, he said I was his soul mate, his other half, his best friend and a perfect girlfriend. My mind was made up I didn't want him anymore.
he told me to think, he said once your head is cleared you will realise you have made a big mistake. And guess what, now we have had no contact for about a week I feel exactly that, I never realised how comfortable and how happy I was until now, even thought I felt unhapy with him at times, and wanted my own space, I also feel so lonely now, no one give me affection or love or shows care and no I really do think I'm depressed.
basically apart from his sex drive scaring me, I basically dumped him because I wanted my own space, me time (AS ALWAYS). Now I have no one in my life, I have no friends and no boyfriend, since I've experienced that feeling of being wanted I don't want to be sat at home anymore, I get bored now, all I do is sit and think of him, yet at the same time if I do get invited out I don't go because I'm so unhappy I just want to sit in, even thought I'm bored. I felt depressed a few months back when we had no contact, but now I think I actually know what it feels like to feel depressed, I really do think I have an emotional health problem. If my mum slightly raises her voice at me I cry, if anyone mentions words such as boyfriend, feeling lonely etc I cry.
I spend my life sat in thinking about him, what he's up to, how much I miss him, yet I wanted people to hate him so I slaggeed him off rotten, I told everyone his bad sides and didn't mention the good, so now my family and friends hate him, so there's no going back. Deep down I probably know I wouldn't be happy with him, but I don't know what I want. I can't go out and find any old man, I'm fussy, they have to be like me in so many ways. Its going back to the trust and commitment, id never just pull a lad on a night out, I'm really different to many girls my age, even my ex said that. But I can't help but think it's a problem caused by an illness or a psychological problem.
I'm actually studying psychology at uni now, yet I still can't work out in my mind what I want, feel, think, its crazy. I'm unhappy all the time, I'm really emotional. I dwell on the past, I can't move on, I'm antisocial and now I've finished with my boyfriend, I've had feelings like what's the point to life, why am I here? What purpose am I serving? I had great career ambitons, without bigging myself up I am quite intelligent, I had big goals and aims, but my depression and feelings are stopping me from doing everything, they are giving up and I'm losing the will power to want to be here on this earth.
all that is going through my mind is pain, hurt, sadness, guilt, emotions, lack of energy, no power to do anything, and then thoughts of my ex, what he's thinking, what he's doing, and I also think we how can I impress him, what can I do to make him recognise me (such as changing my Facebook picture etc) but its over why and I still thinking this, I miss him like crazy, its REALLY only now its over I realised how much I think he didn't mean to me, and how much love and affection he could show and now I feel so lonely, I feel trapped now I'm not with him, but I felt trapped with him.
I'm sure I'm not normal, with all these thoughts, I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to make myself clear, I can't express my feelings to anyone face to face hence why I'm doing it on here. Does anyone know how I can help msyelf, as I don't want to go to a counsellor or anything as I want to believe that I can help myself, I don't think a counsellor would work for me. Its really bad as all I want to do is see him or be in contact with him.
this is signed with a tear or two!
going back years I've always had a problem bonding with people, I've never really made friends, I've always been quite happy sitting in at home, with the family, or occupying myself by watching dvds, computer, reading, etc.
through high school I had a big problem with a girl who I thought to be my best friend, I became more outgoing, I was always with her, after two years of that she obviously got bored of me, and moved on, having lied etc (that was cutting a very long story short) she said she would rather have been in prison than being with me. It really affected me this, and although I'm over her now, I still think subconsciously things that happened during this time still affect me emotionally and psychologically to this day (now 6 years later, I am now nearly 20)
after this I got friendly with another girl but again I didn't feel like going out and locked myself inside and kept all my hurt and pain inside. I just longed to be like other girls.
throughout college I did start to trust people a bit more, and I did start to go out, I went to an all girls school whereas college was mixed, I made some lad friends, and I even fancied a few, I started to go out clubbing and enjoying life, lads started to show interest in me and although I enjoyed it at the time what I was doing was wrong... but that was still 3years ago and now after what's happened recently it all makes sense... basically I used to text lads, flirt over texts, flirt if I saw them out, but I didn't want any more I was petrified of commitment.
when I was 16 I got a job, lads showed interest there, one inparticular but again the lads I tend to attract are complete weirdos, this guy was the worst in store, on drugs, smoked, drank, bad language, bad temper. But that never showed to me, we texted for the best part of a year, we always talked in work, he treated me with such respect and gave me the attention I liked, but we had no commitment, basically it was a text relationship, I loved it, I was in my element, in all fairness you could argue that I led him on, I did tell him the truth and that my parents being strict as they are would not allow me to date someone on drugs etc, but he still worked on me, I told him I liked him all the time, but he always showed care and affection towards me, it was a very strange situation but I loved it, eventually in summer 2007 he got bored and moved on to another girl in the shop, we have stayed friends, well civil, as he began to tell people we were together, it got a bit out of hand, and left people having rather ill feelings towards me in work.
however, summer 2007, I had just got back from holiday and went back to work, and stumbled across a familiar face, a guy who I had major hots for who worked over christmas period 2006, he had finished uni and come back and was now working in my department. We got chatting and we went out on a few work nights out, ended up texting but although I liked him as soon as I knew he was interested I freaked out and stepped back, as I just didn't wasn't commitment. We didn't speak for about a week then we met up again on a night out, I was rather drunk and we ended up kissing and sharing a taxi home, was texting him that night an agreed to a date. (strange thing was first date... at his house? ) I went on the date it was fine, he freaked me out a little by telling me he had a high sex drive, baring in mind he is very nearly 22 now, so a little older than me, and I have never been in a relationship before. We dated for about 2 weeks, but he mentioned sex that many times I freaked out and told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. We had no contact very about a month after this, then I randomly got a text saying he missed me, I did miss him, but as I said earlier it didn't bother me sitting in alone, occupying myself. We started texting again as I enjoyed the texting part we texted for a few weeks and he asked if we could trial it again, I kept saying no, but deep down I wanted to, we still carried out texting. One night we were both out I was going to meet up with him but plans went wrong and I didn't, he text a very angry text and said he can't wait round forever, and that I had messed him about (which is all fairness I had done) and again we had no contact for weeks, but this time I REALLY MISSED HIM, I had no one to text, I felt even more lonely, I couldn't be bothered doing anything, I put on weight, I felt depressed. He had an interview for a job at the end of October, so I text him out the blue to wish him good luck, he text back and said he had really missed me, and sorry for being angry at me and he really liked me, and would always have feelings for me. I told him I liked him but I just didn't want commitment or want to be in a relationship as I'm so insecure and shy. He told me he understood that now and if we got back together everything would be really slow and work really well, basically he sold himself to me and I said OK lets I've it a try.
we were together, in a serious relationship from October to jan, we had good times, we had bad times, he showed love and care in some ways but not in others, he still talked about sex a lot, and we ended up having it like a month into the relationship, I don't regret it as I loved him I felt ready, but after we had it a few times, he started wanting it more and more, he expressed fantasies and what he wanted from our sex life, me being me as I'm a very unopinionated person gave in to a few things, but cos I new my parents wouldn't approve I let guilt get the better of me I started to have thoughts about being unhappy and I all I could think about were his bad points and I started tog et really scared, really insecure and the more I thought the more I wanted to escape. Without thinking it through I dumped him, he was GUTTED, he begged and begged, I told him why I had done it, and he said that none of it would have happened if I had just spoken to him and communicated with him, he said anything he could do to make me happy and be with me he would cos he loved me with all his heart and wanted me, he said I was his soul mate, his other half, his best friend and a perfect girlfriend. My mind was made up I didn't want him anymore.
he told me to think, he said once your head is cleared you will realise you have made a big mistake. And guess what, now we have had no contact for about a week I feel exactly that, I never realised how comfortable and how happy I was until now, even thought I felt unhapy with him at times, and wanted my own space, I also feel so lonely now, no one give me affection or love or shows care and no I really do think I'm depressed.
basically apart from his sex drive scaring me, I basically dumped him because I wanted my own space, me time (AS ALWAYS). Now I have no one in my life, I have no friends and no boyfriend, since I've experienced that feeling of being wanted I don't want to be sat at home anymore, I get bored now, all I do is sit and think of him, yet at the same time if I do get invited out I don't go because I'm so unhappy I just want to sit in, even thought I'm bored. I felt depressed a few months back when we had no contact, but now I think I actually know what it feels like to feel depressed, I really do think I have an emotional health problem. If my mum slightly raises her voice at me I cry, if anyone mentions words such as boyfriend, feeling lonely etc I cry.
I spend my life sat in thinking about him, what he's up to, how much I miss him, yet I wanted people to hate him so I slaggeed him off rotten, I told everyone his bad sides and didn't mention the good, so now my family and friends hate him, so there's no going back. Deep down I probably know I wouldn't be happy with him, but I don't know what I want. I can't go out and find any old man, I'm fussy, they have to be like me in so many ways. Its going back to the trust and commitment, id never just pull a lad on a night out, I'm really different to many girls my age, even my ex said that. But I can't help but think it's a problem caused by an illness or a psychological problem.
I'm actually studying psychology at uni now, yet I still can't work out in my mind what I want, feel, think, its crazy. I'm unhappy all the time, I'm really emotional. I dwell on the past, I can't move on, I'm antisocial and now I've finished with my boyfriend, I've had feelings like what's the point to life, why am I here? What purpose am I serving? I had great career ambitons, without bigging myself up I am quite intelligent, I had big goals and aims, but my depression and feelings are stopping me from doing everything, they are giving up and I'm losing the will power to want to be here on this earth.
all that is going through my mind is pain, hurt, sadness, guilt, emotions, lack of energy, no power to do anything, and then thoughts of my ex, what he's thinking, what he's doing, and I also think we how can I impress him, what can I do to make him recognise me (such as changing my Facebook picture etc) but its over why and I still thinking this, I miss him like crazy, its REALLY only now its over I realised how much I think he didn't mean to me, and how much love and affection he could show and now I feel so lonely, I feel trapped now I'm not with him, but I felt trapped with him.
I'm sure I'm not normal, with all these thoughts, I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to make myself clear, I can't express my feelings to anyone face to face hence why I'm doing it on here. Does anyone know how I can help msyelf, as I don't want to go to a counsellor or anything as I want to believe that I can help myself, I don't think a counsellor would work for me. Its really bad as all I want to do is see him or be in contact with him.
this is signed with a tear or two!