Hate to ask yet another 'girlfriend won't have sex with me' question, but I'm really confused as to what it implies.

We had been going out for 3 months, great sex, LOTS of great happy time spent together, but then for New Year's she decided on no sex whatsoever for a year- just kissing (ie no oral, etc). Of course, I asked her if there was anything I could do, if she just wanted to be friends, etc. Her answer was that she just needs to find herself after having a serious sexual relationship after another, and she says she feels that we'll have a deeper relationship after a year. Since Jan 1st, she initiated sex twice. The first time, I let her go through with it, and afterwards she cried and felt bad. The second time, I asked if she was sure, and she said no and we stopped.

Personally, I'm the opposite. I've not been in a sexual relationship before her for two years. So, I'm ready for that, and it is important to me on some scale. Obviously, I'm not going to try to pressure her into anything, but at the same time, I can't help but examine my needs versus hers.

So, my questions:
1) After a year, will we more than likely just end up being friends? I would imagine that a relationship would decay, kisses get old, etc without some sort of sexual element, especially if it was there in the beginning.
2) Since we've only been going out 3 months, is the relationship worth pursuing? I really feel that we're both in different places as far as what we want/need. However, I do love her. In other words, I'm really confused as far as how important I should consider this aspect of a relationship.

Maybe its her way of testing you, she might be thinking, are you with her just for sex or are you with her because you love her, what ever you do, she will get her answer.

2 Words DUMP HER!

She's playing stupid games with you and its not fair! A relationship is based on both mental and physical.

Fine someone who will give you both things!

Let her go... My intuition is telling me that there is something more going on here than her trying to "find herself." Let me ask you this, what does your gut instinct tell you? If I was you I would listen to that little voice and that first impression you got when she broke the news to you. There's a good book called "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell and in it he talks about the power of thinking without thinking. In other words, he talks about the brains or rather our ability to tell things apart instantaneously simply by looking or having an experience for the first time. It's a short read and I think you should look into it.

I wouldn't say that she's playing stupid games. Really, some people just want a break from sex.

If you're OK with this, and you really like her, stick with it. If you're not, then yeah... find someone else.

2 Words DUMP HER!

Shes playing stupid games with you and its not fair! A relationship is based on both mental and physical.

Fine someone who will give you both things!
They don't have a relationship. They have only been together 3 months and are already having sex. That is all there is for them right now. They don't even know each other.
If you can't be with her without sex, leave her. If you love her stay and not have sex, and when she initiates it, remind her of the fact that it was her idea not to.
Maybe she is thinking she had sex too soon and regrets it, wants to have the relationship grow on another level. But the choice is yours.

Well I had sex with my now 3 and a half year partner within a week of first meeting and Its not all based on sex. It's a big part of any relationship. Compatibility in the bedroom is almost as important as compatibility of personality. (that what I think anyway but each to their own)

What the point of having a relationship with absolutely NO intamacy whatsoever??

I suppose if you can have sex with someone you don't know, that's your choice. It is important but I would want to know a person before I share my body with them, would want to know if I am personally compatible with them.
You can have a relationship with a person without having sex right away. People do it all of the time. I know many people who have a 6 months rule (no sex until at least that time)
Sex is not the only intamacy you can share with a person.

I do understand that but like the man said, she has issued a "no sex whatsoever for a year- just kissing (ie no oral, etc)". That is plain unfair!

And he has the choice to deal with or not, just as she has the right to not want sex until she feels comfortable about the person.
I did not have sex with my husband until I married him. Dating someone for a year without sex is possible. There are people who do it.

But the difference is that the were having sex for a few months... What has now changed. YOu never had sex with your husband until you got married... you weren't missing anything.

What do you think would happen if you turned arounf to him now and said that you didn't want sex for a while... I reckon that he would be supicious?? (I know marriage and 3 months is very different BTW!:) )

Personally, I think the problem here has less to do with sex than it has to do with respect and communication.

While she has the right to decide whether she wants sex in a relationship, especially a relationship of only 3 months---I think she's not playing fair here.

She gets into a new relationship, they have sex, it's great--and then, after 3 months--when you should still be in a bit of your "honeymoon" phase, all of a sudden she's denying him sex.

That's FINE--and her right.

What's NOT fine is that she didn't discuss this with him ahead of time. You don't just make a decision that affects your relationship, regardless of how short or long you've been together, without discussing that decision with your partner--unless you're ASKING for the relationship to fall apart.

What she did smacks of selfishness, disrespect, and yes--game-playing.

If she had talked about it with him ahead of time, and it was a decision they BOTH made--that would be different. But she, after having sex in their relationship, decided that she isn't having it for a year and isn't discussing it--that's game playing. It sounds like she slept with him to get him, and now wants the relationship to go back to the Disney-version of everything, and frankly, that's not fair.

I'd let her know that sex is important to you--not as important as a relationship, obviously--and that you feel it to be unfair that she decided to change the rules without discussing it with you. Let her know you'd love to be friends, but that you're not comfortable with someone that makes decisions about your relationship with them without discussing it with you first.

At last some one agrees!! :-)

But the difference is that the were having sex for a few months... What has now changed. You never had sex with your husband until you got married.... you were missing anything.

What do you think would happen if you turned around to him now and said that you didnt want sex for a while.... I reckon that he would be suspicious???? (I know marriage and 3 months is very different BTW!:) )
Of course the desire for sex was there, but I was just not going to give myself to someone I was not committed to and he to me. He knew that from the beginning of our relationship and he decided to wait. He could have left. As his wife, he would be suspicious if I with held sex, married couples should not with hold sex from each other, but if for some reaon I didn't want to, he would try and nderstand why and would respect my wishes. But this couple did not really know each other before they bought sex into the mix.

Where is it stated she did not discuss it? He said she decided she didn't want sex anymore, which means she told him she didn't. He then had the chioce to dealt with it or leave.

A woman has the right to decide she no longer wants sex and a man has the right to decide if he can deal with it. It's not like they had a long relationship to begin with. Maybe the sex was not as terrific for her as it was for him. But for whatever reason she has the right to say no and he has the right to leave or stay.

I think I'd be a little more on your page, Homegirl, if she had TALKED to him about it, and they had discussed it, and come to a decision about it together.

Instead, SHE decided, and that's the final answer.

While that is her right--it's NOT a good way to put a relationship on other levels than just the sexual, because she's already not respecting the relationship by making decisions for her partner.

Yup... she has that right, and so does he.

What I am saying is that if I were him, I wouldn't be leaving over the lack of sex.

I'd be leaving because her idea of communication is that things will go her way or the relationship will be over.

Of course the desire for sex was there, but I was just not going to give myself to someone I was not committed to and he to me. He knew that from the beginning of our relationship and he decided to wait. He could have left. As his wife, he would be suspicious if I with held sex, married couples should not with hold sex from each other, but if for some reaon I didn't want to, he would try and nderstand why and would respect my wishes. But this couple did not really know each other before they bought sex into the mix.


Well if my boyfriend said it to me after 3 months Id think that I would have been be very supicious! Yes I agree that married couples should not with hold sex from each other but I think that the same goes for 2 people who arein a relationship... no matter how long or short a relationship it may be!

You are being tested in two ways:

1) do you respect her?

2) does she respect herself?

So, what next?:

First: How old are you? I have seen young couples - especially girls get in "over their heads" sexually... Many girls cannot even orgasm before their early 20's... there are just too many hormonal and psychological changes taking place in the maturation process.

I think you will BOTH benefit from going "without" for a little bit. I doubt it will last a year on her part, but every time she initiates it, will she feel guilty? She initiated it 2x because you backed off and showed to her it was more than sex - but she is conflicted!

So, back off. Even if she initiates, wait 3 months... Then, by that time you will have had a lot of time to talk... At that point make a decision.

My guess is she is young and this is NORMAL. Don't freak out. Just take it one day at a time... Like life :-)

You are not being played for a fool here... She is being honest...
Immature - yes, but honest.

Well, we're both 27 to answer that question.

To answer another question, no it was not something discussed/mutually agreed upon. It was a demand on her part.

Not that it matters, she broke up with me today. I told her that I supported/respected her decision, but that intimacy for me was something that I needed. I asked her to consider finding middle ground on the issue, and she said 'no' and broke up with me. Oh well, it sucks, but better now I think, than later.

Yup...she has that right, and so does he.

What I am saying is that if I were him, I wouldn't be leaving over the lack of sex.

I'd be leaving because her idea of communication is that things will go her way or the relationship will be over.
I get your point and I agree

Well if my boyfriend said it to me after 3 months Id think that I would have been be very supicious! yes I agree that married couples should not with hold sex from each other but I think that the same goes for 2 people who arein a relationship... no matter how long or short a relationship it may be!
I'm not saying he does not have the right to be suspicious, I was saying she has the right to nolonger want sex and he has the right to leave or stay.
I'm thinking neither one of them knew the other very well before they started having sex.
This "change your mind" thing may be part of who she is and had they been getting to know each other on a deeper level rather than a sexual one, this may not have ever been a problem

Well, she's old enough to know her own mind. I'd honor it and move on.

Sounds like she did you a favor... you can't go back (to a non-intimate relationship at your age)- and she is not a kid.

I had a long term relationship with a girl who decided to not have sex for a month. She just wanted to stop for a time and see if we could handle it. It drove us mad, but we did it... or didn't do it, depending on your perspective.

Your case, I think, is a little different. Saying she doesn't want to have sex isn't wrong. It may not be right for you, but you know she can do whatever with her own body.

So what should you do about this?

Well... there is absolutely no guarantee of anything. You could still be together after a year and she might be in this 100% and sexually ready. Or not. You could find yourself in an asexual relationship, one year and change in, and kicking yourself for wasting your time on someone who isn't sexually compatible.

A great sex life doesn't mean you are compatible. And great compatibility except concerning sex isn't a formula for success.

So, as others have said... the best you can do is talk it out. Let her know, without pressuring her, that sexual compatibility is important long term. Explore if you really think you are connected in enough ways to stay with her.

There is no shame in staying or going. But you get to choose, knowing what the situation is, which means you don't get to decide you want to stay and then whine about a lack of sex.

If you decide to stick it out, you agree to her "plan"... or some other "compromise" that you both agree with.

That's what dating is for... to find what kind of person you(or your partner)want to spend time with in the hope of finding a wonderful life partner. Sex very early on in the relationship is problematic for most women. Lots of stuff(confusion) can go on in her brain.

I think it is possible that she really liked you, otherwise, why her inner turmoil?. did you like her? If so, it would be worth a try to make *sincere emotional* contact with her. You have to give in order to receive. :):):)

Hate to ask yet another 'girlfriend won't have sex with me' question, but I'm really confused as to what it implies.

We had been going out for 3 months, great sex, LOTS of great happy time spent together, but then for New Year's she decided on no sex whatsoever for a year- just kissing (ie no oral, etc). Of course, I asked her if there was anything I could do, if she just wanted to be friends, etc. Her answer was that she just needs to find herself after having a serious sexual relationship after another, and she says she feels that we'll have a deeper relationship after a year. Since Jan 1st, she initiated sex twice. The first time, I let her go through with it, and afterwards she cried and felt bad. The second time, I asked if she was sure, and she said no and we stopped.

Personally, I'm the opposite. I've not been in a sexual relationship before her for two years. So, I'm ready for that, and it is important to me on some scale. Obviously, I'm not gonna try to pressure her into anything, but at the same time, I can't help but examine my needs versus hers.

So, my questions:
1) After a year, will we more than likely just end up being friends? I would imagine that a relationship would decay, kisses get old, etc without some sort of sexual element, especially if it was there in the beginning.
2) Since we've only been going out 3 months, is the relationship worth pursuing? I really feel that we're both in different places as far as what we want/need. However, I do love her. In other words, I'm really confused as far as how important I should consider this aspect of a relationship.I'd walk away from any woman that did that... saving it for marriage is one thing... cutting you off out of the blue for no good reason would earn her walking papers.

Now by that I mean... "sorry dear but I don't think enough of you to sleep with you any more" and not a "I don't feel like it TONIGHT or even this weekT"


A relationship takes two people... she decided YOU weren't important when she unilaterally made that decision without discussing it with you first. Save yourself a lot of future grief. If she did it once... she'll do it over, and over, and over again.

Well, we're both 27 to answer that question.

To answer another question, no it was not something discussed/mutually agreed upon. It was a demand on her part.

Not that it matters, she broke up with me today. I told her that I supported/respected her decision, but that intimacy for me was something that I needed. I asked her to consider finding middle ground on the issue, and she said 'no' and broke up with me. Oh well, it sucks, but better now I think, than later.

NOTE TO PREVIOUS POSTERS:

This thing is toast (see above).

Ride Free Raven :-)

If you read my answer, Ash, I suggested a possible post-breakup action for the guy, *IF* certain conditions were met. :D

well... it kind of sucks but kind of not.

at least you aren't going to waste your time on someone who is stringing you along.

oh well. It happens. Move on and try again. You don't have to bat 1.000 to get into the hall of fame. You had some fun. She has some issues. Take the good and leave the bad way, way behind.

I wasted almost a year on a girl who kind of wanted to date or not or something... =P wish I could have billed her for my time.

Maybe she decided she did not want to be with him anymore anyway and used this as an excuse to be rid of him.
You live and learn.

Hey man... I am not going to lie and say that I read all 4 pages of responses to make sure what I say hasn't been said, but regardless, here it is.

Give it a go man! The things is... if she initiates, don't talk her out of it by saying are you sure. Tease the hell out of her! She will never last if she has any type of attraction to you! Play the game my man! Girls get horny just like guys! Do things to put her in the mood... throw some porn in the DVD player and leave it playing. Throw a Penthouse on the back of the toilet... you can do it bro! Take it as a challenge! Sounds kind of fun to me!

Hey man...I am not going to lie and say that I read all 4 pages of responses to make sure what I say hasn't been said, but regardless, here it is.

Give it a go man! The things is...if she initiates, don't talk her out of it by saying are you sure. Tease the hell out of her! She will never last if she has any type of attraction to you! Play the game my man! Girls get horny just like guys! Do things to put her in the mood...throw some porn in the DVD player and leave it playing. Throw a Penthouse on the back of the toilet...you can do it bro! Take it as a challenge!! Sounds kinda fun to me!
They are done. She broke up with him

Due to the inordinate number of people not reading the entire thread after the original poster has told us that they broke up, I'm closing the thread.

From the OP, in a private message

Request to add something

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey!
Thank you for closing my thread. However, I was wondering if you'd care to add that I really appreciated the responses? There were some great responses, and I truly appreciated the time and thoughtfulness people used to give their opinion.

Thank you in advance!